Original subtitles

?

- ? In the velvet night

? Before the golden light, you're gonna fall ?

? You're gonna fall

- Hey! Good. Johnny.

- ? Baby, strike a match before it burns the ash ?

? You're gonna fall

? Pull off the gloves, then love knocks you over ?

? Sucker punch feeling drunk when you're sober ?

- ? Lightning strikes before the thunder arrives ?

? You're gonna fall

- Hey. Where's Frodo?

- Busy with the Christmas rush.

- Ah! Okay. - Todd.

- Johnny. - So where are we going?

- Brokenwood.

I have a date with destiny and some unfinished business.

- ? I'll be the one knocks you head over heels ?

? And heels over heart

? You're gonna fall, you're gonna fall ?

- Oh, and merry Christmas, detectives.

Favorite time of year, huh?

- If you say so, Frodo.

- Hey, who doesn't like Christmas?

- ? Wish you a merry Christmas - Oh, no.

Christmas is going to be awesome this year.

- Plans? - A family get together.

My half uncle Les is coming.

He's legendary.

- Legendary for?

- Well, it's more like a myth, actually,

because I've never met him.

But, I mean, all I know is he's a gardener and a poet.

- A poet, no less.

- And Johnny gets out of prison today,

having totally mended his ways,

which bodes well for a great family Christmas,

don't you think?

- Family. It is indeed what it's all about.

- Yeah sometimes Christmas can be stink.

But I've got a good feeling about this year.

- Thanks, Frodo. - Thanks, Frodo.

What are your plans for Christmas Day?

- I thought you hate Christmas.

- Honestly, I don't.

Even though nothing good ever comes of it.

- I find I get together in the city.

Cousins put down a hangi.

Lots of tamariki, lots of laughter.

- Well, sounds... - Great.

- Too good to be true.

- I'm just telling it like it is.

You want to come?

- Um. Oh, yeah. No, I'm busy actually.

- Really?

- Yes, really. [Cellphones ring]

- Oh, deceased out on Saddler's Line.

- There you go.

Someone's Christmas just got ruined.

- Yeah.

?

- Hey, boss.

- Hey, is that who I think it is?

- Santa no less. Want to sit this one out?

I know how you feel about Father Christmas.

- Huh. A lot of people believe in Santa.

I, however, can be more objective.

Hit and run? - No obvious signs of injury.

- In the middle of nowhere. No vehicle?

- No signs of a sleigh. No.

- No reindeer, for that matter, either.

- Do we know who he is?

- You mean who he really is? Not yet.

But, uh, guess who drives an ambulance these days?

- Is that...? - Rhys Oades.

The one and only.

- Rhys.

Long time no see. - Detective. Hello.

- New line of work?

- I did everything I could, I swear.

I'm not detecting any sinus.

- And...

Clear.

[Beeping]

[Whirring]

[Jolt, gasps]

- Yeah, it's kind of just been a nightmare of a day.

- But you're okay now?

- I just feel bad for all the kids,

you know, like not getting presents this year.

I can't be the guy who let Santa die.

I don't know if I can carry that.

- I'm sure you did everything you could.

- Boxes are empty, nothing of interest.

- Hey, Mike.

- Excuse me.

Oh.

- Yeah. That's awkward.

- Uh, Rhys.

Does the name Les Oades mean anything to you?

- Uh, no. I do have an uncle called Les.

Apart from that, no.

- Uh, Rhys, this gentleman has

ID would suggest that his name is Les Oades.

- No way. - You didn't recognize him?

- No, I- I thought that was Santa.

- Uh, Rhys, what about now?

- Uh, it's too hard to say.

- When did you last see your uncle?

- Uh, I would have been, like, 3 years old.

Yeah, apparently he used to bounce me up and down

on the trampoline,

and one time, he bounced me so hard I flew off,

hit my head into a power pole.

It was a concussion, probably. I don't remember.

- Hey, Rhys, why don't we contact your dad?

He might have a better idea. - Why?

- Because he's your uncle's brother.

- True.

Really, I thought that was Santa. Oh.

- Rhys, do you want to maybe sit down for a little bit

and have a drink of water?

- Hi, Les. Mike Shepard.

Let's get you somewhere more comfortable.

Out of the sun.

- Hello, Mike.

- A sad day for children all around the world.

- Indeed.

Uh, once Gina is finished, let's get the road open.

- Oh, what a waste.

Les. Les. [Sniffles] Lessie.

- Long time, Bobby. - Oh, it's so hard, mate.

It's just so bloody hard.

- You can confirm that this is your brother, Lester Oades?

- As the day is long. Oh, my heart is broken.

[Sobs]

[Sighs] What the hell happened?

- Uh, he was found out on Saddlers Line

dressed in a Santa suit.

- Oh, that'd be Les. He loved Christmas.

Oh, well, nothing to be done. Let's get him buried.

- Mike.

- Uh, there will need to be a post-mortem first.

- For?

- To ascertain the cause of death.

- Well, he's dead, mate. Gone. That won't bring him back.

- It's standard procedure in any unexplained death.

- Yeah, well, the thing is, he was very clear that,

um, you know,

if, God forbid, he was to be struck down,

he wanted to be buried before sunset.

- Before sunset?

- As you know, I am but a humble gravedigger.

And given my profession, he confided in me.

And I said to him, "It would be my honor, Les."

So I intend to fulfill the pledge to my brother.

- He was a religious person? - Could say that.

- But he practiced some kind of Orthodox Judaism or...?

- Oh, practice, no. He didn't really need to.

He was very good. So...

- So your brother was Jewish and yet loved Christmas?

- Who said he was Jewish?

- Judaism is the religion followed by Jewish people.

- [Chuckles]

Not solely.

- So he wasn't Jewish? - He was a little bit.

- Oh, a little bit? - Yeah.

Yeah, he was Jewish, but mainly, um...

- Mainly? - He mainly, uh, haiku.

- Haiku? - As I recall it.

- Haiku is a form of poetry.

- Well, that's the thing.

He loved a good poem, Les.

- And followers of haiku need to be buried before sunset?

- Some of them. Les definitely did.

But, you know, I'm grieving here.

My brother is lying dead,

and you are splitting hairs over his religious afflictions.

I mean, do what you have to do, but please don't muck around.

I have to bury my... my brother.

- Gina, this is where you get to work.

- Yeah. I'll leave you to it.

Oh, Gina, did you leave the key out?

- Of course.

- Thanks.

- One moment.

Kristin.

A gift for you.

For letting me stay in your house.

Jellied borscht with herring.

- Ah.

- I always felt welcome in your home.

And I'm sorry about your sister.

- What do you mean.

- I'm sorry she's coming.

- Well, Gina, she's my sister.

- But you don't like her.

- Um, I don't think I ever said that.

- It's not what you say. It's what you don't say.

- [Sighs]

Herring all swimming in the same direction

like chickens coming home to roost.

- You think you need to talk to someone about this?

- About what?

- Your negative response to Christmas.

- I'm not negative.

I'm just saying that Christmas has a way of bringing

out the worst in people.

- You would rather be alone. - Who said I'll be alone?

- Well, I just figured, given that you have no friends...

[Clears throat]

- I- no, I have friends.

You know what? I'm sorry for sharing.

It'll just be me and my sister this year.

- You don't get along?

- We get along fine. Yeah.

In fact, I'm really looking forward to catching up.

Mm-hmm. No, yeah, I am.

- Well, I'm sure if you say it enough, it'll eventually sound

like you mean it.

- Well, I mean, we have our disagreements, but she's-

you know, she's been a lot better lately,

so I am optimistic.

- What's your name?

- Nikki.

- Well, if things don't work out with Nikki,

you'll be more than welcome at mine.

- Oh, thanks, but no, I'll be fine.

- Les Oades didn't die today.

- Highly elevated levels of potassium.

Heart attack, Mike. Quite boring, actually.

- Okay. - But did you notice this stiff,

it is quite stiff, at least 24 hours old.

- So he died yesterday?

- Maybe as much as 36 hours ago.

His body temperature was very low, 13 degrees.

Unusual.

But then again, when you are coming from the North Pole

- Or... - Or...

it was a very cold night last night.

- Huh? Well, last night wasn't particularly cold.

- Worth a follow up tomorrow.

- Well, just don't take too long.

He was a devout follower of haiku, after all.

Yeah, so, um, I might just slip away and grab a bottle of wine.

- Bake some bread. Good idea. I can finish up here.

- Thanks.

- Herrings. Yeah.

- ? Through the clouds and the telegraph poles ?

? The little farmhouses up in the hills ?

? Every valley shall be lifted high ?

? Every mountain will fall, too ?

? 'Cause I'm on my way to you

? On my way to you

- Nikki?

Nikki! - Yeah, baby. Working it.

- Nikki, what the hell?

- Kristin? Hi.

- Johnny. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, wow.

- What the hell, Johnny?

- Okay. I did not know that this was your house.

I didn't even know that she was your sister.

- Well, that is my kimono.

- And I swear, I did not know that this was your kimono.

- Well, who else would it belong to?

- A Chinese person?

- Kimonos are...[Sighs] Oh, you know what? Never mind.

You have to leave. - No, you can't kick him out.

He's my boyfriend.

- He is a criminal. I am a detective.

And that is my bedroom.

- So what? We got the wrong room.

I'm sorry. God, just chill out, sis.

- Sorry doesn't even begin to fix this, Nikki.

- It's okay. Sugarplum.

I know when I'm not wanted. - Yeah. That's right.

No offense, but you are not welcome in my house.

- Why do you always do this?

- Do what? - You rain on my parade.

- This is about compromising my professional integrity.

- It's just because I'm with a hot guy.

- Yeah. Hear that? - Who just got out of prison.

- Oh, we are so out of here.

- Johnny, leave the kimono.

- Oh, yeah. Sure. - No. Oh, my God.

Put your own clothes on first and then leave.

You were wearing clothes when you arrived?

- Oh, yeah. He was. - Here's Johnny.

- So hot.

- How did you end up with the likes of that guy?

- Well, you haven't changed, have you?

You still think you're a cut above?

- No, I don't think- Look, I bought a bottle of wine.

Just let Johnny go,

and you and I can just sit down and talk about-

- Talk about what? How you don't approve?

Why can't you just be happy for me for once?

- Let's blow this joint, sugar plum fairy.

- Hell, yeah.

- Johnny, you need to call your father.

- Is this some kind of trick? - It's not a trick.

- Are you going to tell my dad or me?

- Johnny, what are you, 5? Just call him. He has some news.

- You know, I came here to be with family.

Because I know you need this as much as I do.

I should have known it was too much to ask,

but at least I have a family.

A new family, one that actually cares for me.

- What, the Oades?

- Merry Christmas, sis. Let's go.

[Door opens, closes]

- Ew.

- I could tell you weren't satisfied.

So I have been working my angles for you.

I took my fine tooth brush and comb his body and found this.

- Okay, that's-

- Unusual bruising in his scrotal area

consistent with a mild electrical burn.

Given he had heart disease,

if the current was strong enough,

it could well provoke a heart attack.

- That country road, are you thinking-

- Yes, perhaps Santa got his sack caught on the electric fence.

- The volt meter is at a standard setting.

- These things aren't fatal.

- Unless it was repeated.

- He was held on it.

- Or, as Gina suggesting, simply snagged.

- [Electricity crackling] - Oh! Aaah!

- [Electricity crackling] - Oh!

[Grunting]

[Sighs]

- [Sighs] Hell of a way to go.

- If so, why was he crossing the paddock?

And where was he coming from?

- Why did no one mention he was missing?

- Bobby, you remember DC Chalmers?

- How's it? - Fine. Thanks, Bobby.

- Some of my finest work.

Nothing but the best for our Les.

- Bobby, when did you last speak with your brother?

- I want to say the night before last.

- Saddler's Line is a long way from most places.

Any idea why he was out there?

- Well, it's not far from Bill Tompkins' place.

- The Tompkins being?

- Bill and Darlene Tompkins.

They just bought the estate out by the bay.

They just moved up from the South Island last week.

Les was their live in gardener.

- He was living with them down south, as well?

- Up in a high country station.

I mean, I haven't seen him in years.

I mean, that's why it's so hard.

Hey, I mean, long time no see, Les.

And now I'm digging him a hole.

So we can put him in the ground, then?

- Uh, we'll let you know.

?

- G'day, gents. What can I do you for?

- This is Mike Sheppard. - Bill Tompkins, Esquire.

You hear about Les, I take it?

- Yeah. We are.

- Sad bloody business, I tell you.

We heard the news through his brother Bobby

and are still processing it.

But would you like to come inside?

- Oh. Thank you.

- Darlene! Oh, here she is.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Now, these two men are policemen.

- Oh. - Got Sheppard and...

- Chalmers. - Hello.

- Hello.

- They're here about Les, of course.

- Yes. Poor old Les. It was quite a shock.

Oh. Would you like to come through?

- Thank you. - Tea? Coffee?

- Oh, come on, darling, it's the festive season.

Why don't we offer them something stronger?

How about a beer, gents?

Or perhaps something stronger than that?

- Uh, no, we can't stay long.

Very nice place you have here.

- Oh, she's a beauty. She's a beauty all right.

- I take it you've just moved in.

- Bill and I recently cashed out the farm down south.

- That's right. We had 30,000 acres down to a mere 100 now.

Aren't we? Still finding our feet.

- And Les Oades worked for you?

- That's right. He was our groundsman.

Bloody good one, too. - Plants were never really

Bill's forte.

Was strictly a sheep and beef man.

I said, "No, we can get rid of all that livestock,

but we can't let go of Les."

I mean, good workers are so hard to find.

- When was the last time you saw Mr. Oades?

- Oh, that's a good question.

When would that have been, darling?

- Uh, a few days ago. He stuck to himself, mostly.

Lots of gardening and weeding.

- And mowing. - Mowing?

Always bloody mowing, wasn't he? In fact,

that's probably the only time we ever heard him was

when he was on that mower.

- He had his own separate quarters.

Would you like to see? - Uh, please.

- Oh.

- Yeah. - Thanks, Frodo.

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle.

- Half uncle. But, yeah. Thanks. I'm gutted.

- So that guy lost his uncle, too?

Weird.

- So, um, you and Johnny Oades are obviously close.

- [Sighs] Sorry I didn't get much sleep last night.

- Don't.

- Oh, after Johnny got the news about his uncle,

we went back to his dad's place.

Oh, the bedroom was to die for. Egyptian cotton sheets.

- I wouldn't have picked Bobby Oades for someone

with a penchant for high end linen.

- Oh, it was, like, the most amazing place.

- And, um, how in God's name did you meet Johnny Oades?

- He kept to himself in here.

Oh, Les loved poetry. Writing it and quoting it all the time.

- He loved all the greats, didn't he?

Uh, Tennyson. Keats. Wordsmith. Milton and Keynes.

Oh. What do we got here?

"He was an old woman from Blunt who swore she was not an old-"

Goodness me.

Not quite sure where he was going with that one, but...

- He was a bit cheeky. He was so much fun.

- He was. - And you definitely didn't see

Mr. Oades in the last few days?

- I can't say we did.

- He came and went as he pleased.

Bobby said he had a heart attack.

- Mm. Although curiously, he was found wearing a Santa suit.

- Oh, that'd be Les, wouldn't it? - Oh, Les loved Christmas.

He was so looking forward to it.

And I guess he was walking home, and his heart just gave out.

- Well, that's what happens when you have so much heart to give.

- Mm.

- There's no problem, is there, fellas?

- Uh, not that we're aware of.

- So we'll see you both at the funeral then?

- It's not really our place. - Oh, no. You must come along.

We'd really appreciate it, wouldn't we, Darl?

The more the merrier. - He was such a loner.

It'd be nice to have a decent showing.

- It would, yeah.

We're helping out his brother Bobby with it.

Funeral costs these days can be...[Whistles]

- And we need to farewell him before Christmas.

It's good for the family. - That's right.

- We'll see how things pan out.

?

- [Sighs] How do you think that went?

- Nailed it, Bobby, to the wall.

Those two cops are dumber than a box of hammers, I tell you.

- I'm so in love with you.

- And I you. - You got me running hot.

Take me upstairs.

- I need some ass, Bobby. - Yeah. No, go for it.

- Alrighty. Hey, I got your back, all right?

Keep your eye on the prize, Bobby.

- Bye, Bobby.

- All good then.

- Did they say why he was walking out in the middle of nowhere?

- They did.

- That was Les. Loved to walk, didn't he, Bill?

- Oh, he did indeed. He was unstoppable, really.

- Loved walking, loved poetry, loved mowing the lawns.

What else did the legendary Lessos love to do?

- Singing. - He loved singing.

In fact, he did mention he was going to sing karaoke

at some pub he'd heard about.

- That's right, the Cobra and the Pussycat.

- Crocodile and Panther? - That's the one.

Yes, yes, that was his thing, wasn't it?

Loved to belt out a tune, Les.

- A singing Santa. - Secret singing Santa.

Did a Les Oades come here dressed

as Santa to sing karaoke two nights ago?

- Oh, secret Santa, you mean. I'm no narc.

- Trudy, it's a simple question.

- And it's a simple answer.

I'm no narc because I don't know the bloke's name.

He just wanted to sing, so he gave it a go.

- All together! ? Jingle bells, jingle bells

? Jingle all the way

? Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one horse open sleigh ?

Hey!

Reckon he'd come back again the next night.

Didn't show up.

- Given what we know, you gonna release the body?

- I guess we have to.

Oh, then you two should go to church.

- Because? - Bobby Oades' brother

was found dead in a Santa suit.

Do you need a better reason?

- Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah.

- How was your sister?

- Um, yeah, she was her usual self.

- ? Noel, noel, noel, noel

- Who's that with Johnny? - Don't ask.

- Do you know her? - I said don't ask.

- And so we are gathered to pay our respects

to Lester Edwin Oades.

Or as many of you here refer to him,

Uncle Les or half uncle Les.

- Here at Saint Jude's, we're a broad church,

and I'm told that Lester was a committed follower of God

as a Christian haiku Jew.

And for that reason,

there is a certain urgency to this service

in order to meet certain bespoke customs.

And so, without further ado,

let's hear from those who knew and loved Lester.

Bill and Darlene.

- Well, firstly,

can I say that we are brand spanking new to the district,

and, um, well,

a tragic event like this has just been a great way

to meet people, hasn't it, Darl?

And everyone's been so supportive.

Uh, haven't they? - Yes, they have, Bill.

And we don't know you, and you don't know us.

But we all knew Les,

so we thought we'd share with you the one thing

that Les loved the most.

His love of words.

His poetry.

- Yes, um...

Les wrote us a wee poem for our recent wedding anniversary.

And it goes a little something like this.

"Darlene and Bill,

Bill and Darlene, the happiest couple the world's ever seen."

- "When the sun rises, we call it dawn.

Let me forever mow your lawn."

That summed up Les. Really the way he mowed my lawn.

He just took so much pride in it.

- He did.

- It was nothing short of immaculate.

You with the angels now, Les.

- Thank you, Bill and Darlene.

And now Bobby.

- Les. Les.

- Lessie. [Clears throat]

- He was a good man. He loved poetry.

He loved the land. He loved children.

Though he couldn't have any of his own.

Unlike myself, I'm up to 13 now.

13 beautiful children to 10 incredible women.

Oh, but some people would say to me,

"But, Bobby, that's an unlucky number."

I say no!

The gift of life can be a baker's dozen, can't it?

For the making of life is like

the rising of yeast and flour, eh?

Every time I had a new baby, I used to say to Les,

"This one's for you, brother."

Another little tyke to put a smile on your dial.

But he smiles no more.

But death, that's life.

Hey.

Godspeed, Les.

All right, fellas, let's get on with it.

Johnny.

[Organ plays]

- Sorry. Do you mind giving us a hand?

Just...

[Groans]

- So your cousin Rhys is with Lena Branson now?

- Oh, yeah. It's early days.

This was their first date, but he's got high hopes.

- We are off to the wake. You're not invited, by the way.

- I'll cope. - Bye, detective.

- Bye, sis.

- Sis? Okay, wow.

- Please don't.

What is wrong with the women in this town?

Let's get out of here.

- Ah! Good job done, son.

Now let's go and have a beer for Les.

- For Les?

Oh, yeah. For sure. Right.

- Come on.

- From the moment that Bobby Oades found out

about Les's death,

he's been in a blinding hurry to get his brother buried.

Why?

- But death, that's life.

- He killed him?

- Why would Bobby Oades want to kill his brother?

- There was something in the will for him?

I recall Bobby was a will hunter, you know.

He was disgruntled when there was nothing left for him

when his ex-wife died.

Maybe Les promised him something.

He got impatient.

- Or it was an accident and he tried to cover it up.

- So he sees him out on Saddler's Line

dressed in a Santa suit,

gives him a shove against an electric fence,

knowing he has a heart condition.

Leaves him to die.

- Or he panicked.

- But all this unfolds on the same day

that his son Johnny is released from prison.

Chalmers, follow up on Les's will

and keep an eye on Bobby.

Sims, likewise with Johnny Oades,

where he's living, who he's hanging out with,

what's his relationship with his uncle?

- Yeah, sure. [Clears throat]

Actually, Mike, can I have a quick word?

- Of course.

When did you know this?

- Night before last.

- Yet you went to the funeral under my instructions.

- Well, yeah, but-

- This was an investigation. - Well, hardly.

- Well, you weren't there for fun.

- Believe me, there was no fun involved.

Watching my sister draped on Johnny Oades.

- Case in point.

When...

How did she become involved with him?

- Yeah, well, that's the bit that hurts.

- I mean, you were always banging on about

how I needed to stop being so me focused,

so I got community minded.

I became a prison visitor.

- She wouldn't be the first person to fall that way.

- But of all people.

- You do realize that I require you to step aside.

- Mike. - Sorry, Sims. Rules are rules.

Go home.

Take special leave until this blows over.

Kristin, I know this must be uncomfortable for you.

- Like you wouldn't believe.

?

- Hi. Could I get a vodka tonic, please?

Double.

- Are you sure.

- This is a bar, isn't it?

- You know, we've only just opened.

- Oh, well, then it's a win win for both of us.

- Day off? - Something like that.

- Okay. I'll bring it over.

?

- Is it the pressure of the job?

- Thanks, Lena, for your concern,

but, um, I'm not an alcoholic.

- They all say that.

- I'm not they. I'm just, um...

I'm on leave, that's all.

- So can I still lay a complaint?

- A complaint about what?

- Sexual assault.

- Did Rhys- - Oh, no, no.

Rhys is a sweet guy.

I mean, he's not Chad, but he's nice.

A bit weird, but nice, and he wouldn't.

- Yeah, 'cause, Lena,

sexual assault is a very serious accusation.

- I know.

Especially when they're dressed in a Santa suit.

- So, um, who was dressed in a Santa suit?

- Bill Tompkins. He came in here last night for the wake.

- I enjoyed our date.

Do you want to do it again sometime?

- Maybe not a funeral next time.

- Uh, sure.

Yeah, maybe like a ride in my ambulance or...

- Okay.

- Yeah. Not everyone dies, you know?

Sometimes I do get them to the hospital, and it's okay.

- That's reassuring, I guess.

- Look, I can show you the, um, the heart zapper thing,

and, uh, I know how to do CPR now,

which is like mouth to mouth.

Yeah, I mean, yeah- Sorry. You know, um...

- It was sweet, but then he arrived.

- Mostly cheese. Just eat a lot of cheese.

- Well done, Rhys.

You've been a rock for the old man.

I tell you, a rock.

- Oh, um, this is, uh, Bill. He's my Uncle Les's boss.

And this is Lena. My, um...

- Pleased to meet you, Lena.

Bill Tompkins, Esquire.

I think I might wrap my laughing gear around another.

Wrap your laughing gear around that.

- And that's when I knew it had to be him.

- So you're saying that Bill Tompkins

was dressed in a Santa suit?

And what did he do?

Trudy, can we use your back room?

- Yeah. Um...

- Everyone was having such a good time.

They thought he was awesome.

- ? Dashing through the snow on a one horse open sleigh ?

? O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way ?

Ho ho ho.

- I took a toilet break and...

- Wrap your laughing gear around that.

- Oh, my God.

- He exposed himself to you?

- So disgusting.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't want to lose my job.

- Oh, why would you think that?

- Everybody was loving his singing

and buying lots of drinks.

- I would not have blamed you.

- He said- He said I led him on.

- Now, that was a tasty little smile you gave me.

- ? Laughing all the way Ho ho ho!

- No, a smile does not mean...

- Trudy is right, Lena.

You did nothing wrong.

- Oh, hon. Hey.

- Lena, I'm going to need you to speak

to my colleague, DC Chalmers.

- But why not you? - It's complicated.

- But I told you.

- Yes, and that was the right thing to do.

But I'm having to take some time off.

- What have you done?

- Nothing. It's a technicality.

But you'll need to tell him everything.

There's a process to follow,

but DC Chalmers is- he's a really good guy,

and he'll take the appropriate action, okay?

Okay. Thanks, Trudy.

- Appropriate action, my ass.

I'll sort that deviant out myself.

- Promise me you won't mention he who shall not be named.

- I wouldn't dream of it.

- Then what's so important?

- Okay, I'll put it like this. [Clears throat]

The red breasted robin has been trying to poke his beak

into the fledglings nest.

The red breasted robin.

- Are we talking in code,

or have you taken up bird watching in your downtime?

- Yes and no. Okay.

Someone wearing a red suit has been behaving inappropriately.

- Then why don't you just say what you mean,

and I'll pretend you never said it.

- Okay. Great. Works for me. So...

- [Laughing] - Way to go, hon.

- Beat that, Bobby. Oh, here we go.

Bloody beautiful.

- Oh, what the hell?

- You may be rich, mate, but that doesn't give you

the right to stick your mitts where they're not wanted.

- What the hell do you think you're doing

coming onto my land here? Private property.

- Preying on young women, you sick bastard.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- You touch my worker again,

I will stick this where the sun don't shine.

- Easy does it, Trudes.

- Don't Trudes me, Bobby Oades.

Some natural justice is due around here.

- Now, now, now. Hey! - Just mark my words.

If you come near her again,

this club will be hitting more than just golf balls.

- Geez. - Put the club down, Trudy.

- And it won't be a statue. It will be yours.

- Hey, just settle down, girlfriend.

- I feel sorry for you. He's all yours.

Don't screw it up.

- Hey.

- Mr. Tompkins.

I need you to come to the station

and answer some questions.

Bill, it's alleged that you assaulted Lena Branson

in the toilets of the Croc and Panther

on the evening of the 19th of this month.

- No, no, no, that wasn't me. I think she's mistaken there.

- No, Mrs. Branson is in no doubt that

you exposed yourself to her.

You even referred to your member as Brother Tompkins.

- The only person who would have been in

the Croc and the Panther that night dressed in a Santa suit

is Lester Oades.

Now, let you in on a little secret here, detective.

What's your first name? Daniel?

Daniel, I can't sing, mate. I'm tone deaf.

Deaf as a door nail. ? Amazing grace

? How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me ?

- Sit down, Mr. Tompkins. - ? I once was lost

? But now I've found

- And you're sure it was him?

- Okay. It's hard to tell without the Santa suit.

- [Sighs]

[Camera shutter clicks]

- Look, I've changed my mind, fellas. I want to see a lawyer.

Okay?

- ? This the wild west, ain't nothing civil ?

? Don't let them catch you when you lackin' ?

? The boys is coming

- Hold it. - ? The boys is coming

- Well, this is an unusual case.

A man dressed in a Santa suit

accosts a young woman in the bathroom of a-

Well, let's face it,

a less than salubrious drinking establishment,

which in itself is unacceptable behavior.

And if I thought my client here was in any way involved

in said behavior, I wouldn't be here because I don't take cases

I think I can't win.

I simply say, "You're on your own, sunshine."

But I haven't said that, because I don't think that

Bill Tompkins... - Esquire.

- Esquire, is a man of means of

integrity, generosity, of class.

Is there anything you want to add?

- Nothing other than to say I'm angry, Dennis.

Absolutely livid.

As a man of sheep and beef background.

I know better than most that mud sticks

and it's very difficult to get off.

- Detectives, this appears to be a simple case of

mistaken identity because my client is accused of doing

something untoward in disguise.

That disguise being Father Christmas.

- I've never worn a Santa suit in my life,

and I'm sure as hell not going to start now, Dennis.

- Do you have a positive identification?

- Can you see the man you claim to be,

Bill Tompkins, in this lineup?

- It's too hard to tell.

- We have a verbal claim that the offender is Bill Tompkins.

- Brother Tompkins.

- That's what he referred to his member as.

- Come on, detective.

It's not unusual for a man to personify their compatriots.

Big Bill Broonzy. Wild Bill Hickok.

Little Tommy Tompkins.

Not one that I would use, but nevertheless.

Well, let's face it. If I was to dress up as Santa

and run around the neighborhood stealing presents off small,

unsuspecting children and calling myself Mike Shepherd,

who's to say that I wasn't you?

- And so, through the moonlight lane she goes.

And far into the moonlit dale.

And how she ran and how she walked

and all that to herself she talked

would surely be a tedious tale.

- You're saying the complainant made it up?

- No, no. That's Wordsworth. I've always quite liked that one.

- Wordsworth?

Are you a fan of poetry, as well, Mr. Tompkins?

- No, no, no, no, not at all.

No, no, I don't have time for that.

No, that's just stuff old Les used to warble on about,

you know?

In fact, my estimation of Les has somewhat diminished,

given that he was clearly besmirching my name.

Gentlemen, good day.

- Dennis. - Hm?

- How long have you known Bill Tompkins?

- Oh. I've met him as of today.

Charming man. Insanely wealthy.

Invoicing will be a pleasure, - I'm sure.

- Given I hardly raised a sweat in here.

You made my job easy today, detective.

- Hello, Darlene.

- Oh, hi. Oh, you're a free man.

- We need to talk.

- Okay. Yeah. - Okay.

?

- You're kidding. - Yeah.

Lena couldn't make a positive ID.

- On what? - On his face.

- Well, yeah,

but I bet if you got him to strip down and take out his-

- Okay, I don't think that would be appropriate, do you?

Look, we'll keep on it. I just wanted you to know.

We'll keep on it. - [Knocking]

Are you expecting someone?

- No.

- I'm not here.

- Gina.

- I've heard about you being fired.

I brought you rassolnik.

- Ah. Well, I haven't been fired. I'm just on leave.

- I understand. You can't say it out loud yet.

- [Chuckles]

- What's ressel-neck?

- Uh, pickled cucumbers, barley, and beef kidneys

to fortify you against depression.

Oh.

- Gina, I'm not here.

- Oh!

- Gina, why are you holding a sleeping bag?

- I knew you liked me to sleep over to keep you company

through this crisis.

But I see you've got company.

- Oh, no. It's not what you think.

- When you see a bear in the woods,

and he's wearing a bearskin hat, be sure he's still a bear.

- I don't know what that means.

- Gina, good to see you.

- Hey. Hang on. Where are you going?

- Keep an eye on her.

- Don't worry, I can stay.

- Well, I thought you said the girl wouldn't say anything.

- There was always a chance, I guess.

- We need to shut it down. - We will, won't we, love?

Honey, would you like another pink gin, darling?

Oh, God, I just love Christmas.

[Knocking]

- Um, you wanted to see me?

- Uh, yeah. - Rhys, come in.

- Oh, God. Come in, love. Come in, come in, come in.

Have a seat. You like this place?

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

- It's very big. - Yeah.

- The problem is this whole place disappears

if your girlfriend starts accusing me

of things I haven't done.

- So we need you to put her straight hm?

- Um, I'd like to say something.

Um...

Uh, if you did molest my girlfriend,

then that is not okay.

Molesting is wrong.

- Oh, well, the thing is, Rhys,

um, there's something that you really need to know,

and, um, once you know it, you can't un-know it, eh?

- Why was Bobby Oades playing golf

with Bill and Darlene Tompkins?

- Yeah, I asked him that.

Is Bobby Oades a friend of yours?

- No, no, he came by to pick up Les's clubs.

- Mm. In his will, were they?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Les loved golf as well as everything else, I take it.

- Well, Les loved a lot of things, you know?

- Although perhaps not travel.

Les never had a passport and no driver's license

and no previous either.

- Hm. He also has no will. Died intestate.

So there's no motivation there for Bobby.

- It's almost as if Les didn't exist.

- And for the record,

Bill Tompkins is not on the sex offenders register.

But making incognito appearances as a secret Santa

is something he's done before.

Uh, "Widely believed to be station holder Bill Tompkins.

But when approached, Bill declined to comment,

saying, 'The point of secret Santas is to never tell.'"

What if Bill Tompkins has done what Lena's accusing him of?

He somehow gets Les Oades

to dress up as Santa, shoves him into the electric fence,

thereby deflecting blame?

It wasn't me. It was Les.

Bill's dirty secret goes to the grave with Les.

- Which means that Bobby Oades has been playing golf

with his brother's killer.

- Unwittingly, we presume.

- There's one way to smoke him out.

No one home.

[Line ringing]

- Yeah. - Bobby.

DC Chalmers. We have an urgent matter to discuss.

- Uh-huh. Well, I'm a bit indisposed.

- As I said, it's urgent.

- Well, I'm at Bill Tompkins' place, so...

- Again?

- I'm picking up the rest of Les's belongings.

- We'll meet you there.

- Exhume the body?

So why would you want to do that?

- So we can compare dental records.

- With who? - With Lester Oades'

dental records.

To be sure it's him.

- I mean, I saw him dead on the slab.

- Why wouldn't it be him?

- It's possible the wrong body was placed in the coffin.

- Oh, well, that's a bloody shambles, isn't it?

- Well, who did we bury?

- Well, hopefully your brother.

If not, I'm sure you'd like to know.

- Well, I mean, I mean, he's dead, isn't he?

I mean... - You'd want to be sure,

though, wouldn't you, Bobby? - Yeah.

- Of course. - Sorry.

I'd hate you to waste your time,

but I don't think Les ever went to the dentist.

- How would you know that?

- Oh, I think he mentioned it one time, didn't he, Bill?

- That's right. Yeah, I remember him saying that.

- I remember him saying,

"Darlene, I've never been to the dentist."

- To the dentist. Yeah.

- And then I said, "Oh, geez, Les,

you should really get on to that."

- That's right. There you go, fellas.

You'd be wasting your time.

- Oh, we did an x-ray at the post-mortem.

We simply compare those to the body in the ground.

- Oh, well, even so,

you can't go digging people up out of the ground.

That's not very nice, is it?

- But if the wrong person was in the ground,

you'd want it to be remedied.

- Is that legal, though?

- Well, if you have a license for an exhumation.

Yes, it is.

- I mean, you want me to dig up my own brother?

- No, we've booked a grave digger from Riverstone

to come over first thing. That way, we can be discreet.

- Well, no, it should be me

because he needs to be shown some respect.

- Oh, no. We couldn't ask you to do that, Bobby.

Anyway, have a nice day, gentlemen.

Ladies.

- Nikki, right?

- Yeah.

- See you soon, Johnny.

- Not if I see you first.

- Texas, we have a problem.

Fellas, a word, please.

- Hey, is something wrong?

- Nothing that Les can't handle.

He'll sort it.

- But Les is dead.

- Did I say Les? Oh. [Laughs]

Silly me, I meant Bill.

Bill will sort the cops.

?

- ? When the rooster crows

? That old boy already knows you're gonna fall ?

? You're gonna fall

- ? When the shadows climb, you'll already be mine ?

- Hey. So, um...

sometimes what we see is different

to what we think we see.

Oh, God.

- ? You put up to keep the pain out ?

- ? Flag high and kiss your ass goodbye ?

- ? You're gonna fall - [Engine starts]

- ? You're gonna fall

? You're gonna fall into my arms ?

? You're gonna fall

- Rhys, you idiot.

- ? I'll be the one got you head over heels and heels ?

? Over heart, you're gonna fall, you're gonna fall ?

?

- What the hell have you done with my brother?

- Casket was empty when we exhumed him.

- Well, I told you, you hire a monkey, you'll get peanuts.

- You don't know anything about this?

- Why would I? - Nothing to do with haiku?

- I don't know, I'm not part of them.

But what I do know is my brother has been desecrated,

and I'm bloody angry.

And I'm holding you responsible.

So what are you going to do about it?

- We'll find him, Bobby. You can count on that.

And when we do, I'm sure many things

will become a lot clearer.

Sorry for any distress this may have caused.

- Um, sometimes. You know what- What the...

What we see is different to, like, what you didn't see.

Um, you know, I once saw a rainbow.

And then when I got there, it was, like, gone.

- Rhys, I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Oh, okay. Um...

- I thought you were going to take me for a ride

in your ambulance.

- Yeah. Yes. No. Totally. Totally.

Absolutely. Well, yeah. This is the ambulance.

It can go from, like, anywhere between medium fast to fast.

Um, it's yellow. Uh- Oh, this is fun.

Do you want to press this button? It does like the lights.

Which... I don't know, you probably can't see,

but, um, this one is like sirens.

[Siren wails]

Sorry.

- I bet that feels amazing, when you turn that on

and all the cars have to pull over to let you through.

- Yeah. Yeah, it feels pretty powerful.

Um, yeah.

But you just have to be responsible with it

and, um, show good leadership.

Do you want to see the back? - Yeah.

- Um, so, uh, this is where I, um, put the patients.

Um, you know,

once I've assist them, given them their first

initial life saving treatment. - Oh, my God!

Is that a dead person?

- That's a- that's a patient.

Um, I should probably take him to the hospital.

Um, sorry.

Do you think we could check the rain on this date later?

- Uh, Rhys, there is a dead body in your ambulance.

- Yeah. Please don't jump to mis-conclusions.

- I have seen a dead person before, Rhys.

I'm sorry. This feels really weird.

You're actually quite weird.

- Oh!

[Sighs]

?

- What the hell, Johnny? - Where have you been?

- I was on a date, actually, which was going

pretty well until this.

- Oh, it looks like you got a problem there, Rhys.

- How is this my problem?

- Possession of a dead body is 9/10 of the law.

- I never said you could use my wheels.

- I never asked.

- Uh, where the hell have you been?

- Oh, no. No, don't you start.

Why is there a dead body in my ambulance?

- It's a necessity, Rhys. The cops are being nosy.

- And no one would expect to find a dead body

in an ambulance now, would they?

- Now, did you have a chat with that girlfriend of yours

about how I'm not the bad Santa? - No, I didn't get a chance.

- So we have some housekeeping to do.

- No, sorry.

No, I don't want to do this anymore.

- You will do as I say, Rhys!

You owe your Uncle Les some generosity.

- Now, what about all those poems that I sent you when

you were in prison that you pretended were yours

so you could impress that other girl?

How did that work out for you?

- She killed my mum. - That's right.

So do as we say, and you might just stay out of trouble, Rhys.

- Okay, Lena, I'm going to show you a photo.

It may be a little confronting, but we need to be sure.

The body that you saw, did it resemble this person?

- Yes. Yeah. That's him.

- And you're sure, huh?

- And I think that's the guy from the toilets.

- The man who assaulted you?

- Yeah.

- ? Silent night, holy night

? All is calm, all is bright

Come on! We know this!

- ? Round yon virgin mother and child ?

- That was a, um...

tasty little smile you gave me.

- Put out a 10-1.

- No way.

- Out of the cab, Rhys.

- You've had a busy day.

- Not particularly.

- Chalmers.

- Wait here.

Rhys, where's the body?

?

- ? Maybe a two time

? Maybe a four, seven, eight or even more ?

? Could be worse off, could be worse ?

? Fat chance is growing thin

? But even David had his sling

? Could be worse off, could be worse ?

- I'm not sure I can do this, eh.

- What? - What do you mean

you can't do it? You can't back out now, mate.

- Look, I've already been in trouble for misuse

of human remains.

- It's not misuse, Johnny. It's laying a bloke to rest.

- Absolutely.

- That doesn't look very restful.

- Look, his dying words to me were,

"Les, please, I want a burial at sea."

And that's why we dug him up, Johnny.

- I thought we'd dug him up because he wasn't you.

- Yeah, that and to give the guy some peace,

to give him what he wanted.

Also, if there's no body in the ground,

there ain't no crime, is there? Are we good?

I'm only going to say this once,

but this just stays between the three of us.

All right? Understood? - Got it, Johnny?

Loose lips sink ships.

- Yeah, I got it. - Right.

- ? Feeling low down and sick

? But some things penicilin can't fix ?

? Could be worse, could be worse ?

? My paycheck could be rolling in reverse ?

? Could be worse, could be worse ?

- Right, on my count.

One. Two. Three.

[Grunting]

[Body thuds]

[Thudding continues]

- Oh. - Ooh, far out.

[Splash]

- Yeah.

[Seagulls crying]

- All right, let's get on with Christmas, eh?

- Yes, I've explained all of that.

I will do all the talking.

We'll have this wrapped up in a jiffy, Bill.

- Rhys, how can you afford a lawyer like Dennis Buchanan?

- Dennis said I'm not supposed to talk without him

present, so just... yeah.

- It's not part of our investigation.

It's just a simple question. I'm curious.

- Well, I do have a job.

- It doesn't pay a huge amount, though, does it?

And Dennis is pretty expensive. - Yeah. Um...

Hey, do you think

maybe we can talk somewhere, like, a little private?

- It's fairly private in here, Rhys.

- Yeah. Um...

Well, uh, Dennis said that he is doing it for free.

- I can't actually afford someone like you.

- Rhys, given your situation,

you can't afford to not have someone like me.

But good news. I'm not charging you.

- I don't understand.

- Between you and me, I'm doing it pro bono.

- What do you mean?

Look, I'm totally- I'm not into guys.

But if he gets, like- sorry.

- If he gets a boner, that's not my fault, right?

- I like you, Rhys.

And I have another client who likes you,

Bill Tompkins.

He was more than impressed with my services

and remunerated me generously.

We both like you.

Hence pro bono.

Come on. Let's talk a little further in private.

See what's what.

Okay. I'm all yours.

- We need to know from Rhys

the details of a dead body found in his ambulance.

- I don't know anything.

- That's blatantly obvious.

My client knows very little about most things.

That'd be fair, wouldn't it, Rhys?

- Correct. - Truthfully, Rhys,

you don't know anything about a dead body?

- Someone dies in an ambulance. It happens all the time.

- All the time.

- You've done well for yourself lately.

Worked hard, turned your life around.

- Detectives, please. - Oh, come on. Dennis.

Petty criminal turns ambulance driver.

It's a good news story. - Qualified and everything.

That's big for you, right?

- Yeah. Thank you. Um, yeah.

I've got a certificate and everything.

- Don't listen to them, Rhys.

They're trying to lull you into giving you information

that you probably don't have.

- Uh, we believe

that Rhys is possibly an accessory after the fact.

- Accessory to what?

- Improperly interfering with a dead body.

- Whoa, whoa. No, I didn't. I didn't do that.

- So you have no knowledge of a dead body

that Lena Branson says you showed her in the back

of your ambulance?

- I didn't show it to her.

I mean, well, like, not intentionally.

I wouldn't- I wouldn't do that.

- So there was a body. - Ah, here we go.

As the blind woman said to the naked bishop,

nothing to see here.

- Except, um- - Rhys, I think we're done here.

- Well- - Listen to me.

- Let him speak, Dennis.

- Can I have a word with my client?

- Oh, God. Do I want to know? - It's Johnny.

I think he's done something really bad.

- Shocker. - Kristin, please.

- Is now the time I don't say "I told you so"?

I thought you liked the bad boys.

- No, I mean, like, really bad.

- Okay. - [Sighs]

I should have known something was up

when he got the news about his uncle.

- Dad, it's Johnny. I got told to call you.

- He's gone, Johnny. Your Uncle Les is dead.

- No.

- It's been an emotional day, mate.

I'm, uh, I'm feeling a bit emotional.

It'd be good to see you, actually.

So, uh, I'll text you the address.

All right. Thank you, mate.

[Chuckles]

Ooh.

- Don't mind if I do, brother.

Croatian you say?

- Cuban, Bobby. Only ever Cuban, man.

- Never mind.

- We got to go.

- But we only just got here.

- Are you going to pay for those drinks first?

- Trudy, I've just had a bereavement in the family.

I'm unable to think about finances at a time like this.

- Pull the other one, Johnny. - No! God's honest.

- I've got this.

- See? That's called compassion.

- Then he took me to where his dad lives.

- Are you for real?

- Yeah.

- Johnny, welcome back.

Come on in.

- Wow.

- You know Bill Tompkins and his lovely wife, Darlene.

- Nice to meet you, Johnny, old boy.

- Aah! Johnny.

- It's all right. He's just fainted.

Culture shock probably coming from prison.

Oh, you must be...

- Nikki. - I can see what he sees in you.

[Chuckles] Make yourself at home.

- Come on, girl. I'll show you around.

- Oi! Come on. Wakey, wakey.

Get it together. Lots to discuss, son.

Lots to discuss.

- All right.

- Then he started acting strange.

- Ta. I'll get the next one, okay?

- Don't worry about it.

- You see? You see, that is what I'm feeling

from you right now.

I can't hold it in any longer.

- What are you talking about?

- Johnny, Don't you break that.

- Trudy, I'm a lover, not a fighter.

This song goes out to the woman I love.

- Oh, my God.

[Music plays]

- ? Nikki Sims, Nikki Sims, will you marry me? ?

? Oh, what fun it will be to ride ?

? Into a long term relationship with you, hey! ?

- Johnny, what are you doing?

[Music stops]

- Nikki, I'm proposing. - Oh, Johnny.

- I've never felt this way before about a woman.

- Okay, that is really sweet, but let's not do this.

- Wait. What? Hang on. What do you mean?

- Turn the mic off, you loser!

- Please. Please tell me you didn't.

- No, of course not.

Every time a guy asks me to marry him, things go bad.

Like real pear shaped, you know? - Yeah, I know.

I've been on the receiving end

of many a late night phone call from you.

- So I had my radar on.

- Is this one of those nos that really mean yes?

- Honey, we can't afford to get married.

- Oh, no, but we can. I'm a wealthy man.

Or about to be. Yeah.

I'm coming into money, and everything I own will be yours.

- What money? - I can't say.

- Why not? - Lubed lips sink ships.

- But if we're married, we can't have secrets.

- Okay. Um...

I helped out Dad and Uncle Les with some business and...

- But Uncle Les is dead. - Oh, yeah, he is.

But you know that Tompkins place?

That is essentially mine.

- I thought Bill and Darlene owned that.

- Yeah, they do, but they're going to sell it real soon.

And I'm going to get 4%.

- Wow. 4%. That's got to be a lot.

- We can live it up. We can travel.

We can go anywhere you want to go, baby.

We can get one of those gondolas through the canals of New York.

- What did you have to do? - Eh?

- The business with your dad?

- Oh, I can't say.

- Well, how will I know it's the truth?

- [Sighs]

Okay. Uh, hypothetically,

which means whatever I say is true,

but it's not because it's a what if this was true scenario,

which is true, but it can't be.

- Okay, I know what hypothetical means, Johnny.

- Uh, yeah, we dug up my Uncle Les.

- Feel free to use the other spade, Les.

- Stop complaining, you two. All right?

Remember, I'm offering you 4%

of a very large piece of the pie here.

- Hey, look, I've been thinking.

Why not make it 5%? I'm better with even numbers.

- Because there's four of us, Johnny-

me, Darlene, Bobby here, and you.

How many times does five go into four?

- Oh, um... - None, because it doesn't fit.

So it can't be 5%. Can it, Johnny?

- Hey. Well, if there's four of us,

why not make it 25% each?

- Well, because Darlene and I have to take half

because it's her place, so that's only fair.

And the remaining half is divided four ways at 4% each.

It's simple maths, Johnny.

- Oh, yeah.

- So you see? 4%, legit.

Still reckon I can get it to five.

- You dug up your dead uncle?

- Yeah, hypothetically, that is correct.

- Why?

- Because the cops were after him.

- But he was dead. - Yeah.

Look, they're not very smart, eh?

- Okay. So where is he now? - Uh, gone.

- Wait, you threw the body of your dead uncle off a cliff?

- Johnny, this is sick. - Oh, no no no, no!

Look, he was dead anyway. - Johnny, that is so messed up.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Okay, it wasn't my uncle, all right?

It was actually Bill Tompkins that was already dead.

And look, look, you cannot tell anyone, all right?

And that is not even hypothetical.

- Hey, Johnny, you are confusing me.

Why do guys always do this to me?

- Nikki, you need to come with me.

Come on.

- Thanks, Rhys. - Detective.

Rhys, let's go.

- I'm just the messenger.

- I'll put the coffee on.

- That's quite a story, Nikki.

Regarding Johnny Oades, are you still together with them?

- Are you kidding? No. I am sworn off men.

No offense. - None taken.

Could you organize Ms. Sims a ride home

and see Kristin through.

- This way.

Detective.

- Detective, I'm gonna need to revoke your leave.

Are you okay with that?

- We only have hearsay from Nikki via Johnny Oades.

What if he just made it up to impress her?

- Why would he think that would impress her?

Strike that. It's Johnny Oades.

- What your sister reported is consistent

with what Rhys Oades just shared.

- There was this meeting. They wanted me to tell Lena

that she was wrong about Bill Tompkins.

Which I thought was not right.

But then they explained that I was wrong

because Bill isn't Bill.

- Once you know it, you can't un-know it.

- Bill here is actually Les.

- Wait, so your name's not Bill?

- That's right, Rhys. I'm your uncle Les.

Hello.

- I mean, it's all pretty confusing.

- And you're prepared to put this in a statement?

- He knows what this will mean.

Rhys, tell me you understand.

Rhys, look at me. Look me in the eye.

- Uh, wait. So if I...

If I tell them what I just told you,

then I will become a police witness.

- Families get funny about that sort of thing.

- But if I don't show up to Christmas,

then they will know something is wrong.

- You'll be asked to carry on as normal

until they make their move.

- Oh, man.

Uh...

?

- "Had to go to work. Catch up later.

Merry Christmas from K."

Kiss. Kiss.

- ? Away in a manger

? No crib for a bed

- Well, look who's here.

[Laughs] - Frodo!

Come on in.

- Hey, Frods. - Rhys. Johnny. Hey, Uncle Bobby.

Mrs. Tompkins, merry Christmas.

What do you bring someone who has everything?

- Oh! You shouldn't have.

Presents not expected other than your presence. [Laughs]

- Good to see you, Frodo.

- Well, thanks for inviting me, Mr. Tompkins.

- Now, Bill- you can call me Bill.

All right. Don't dilly dally around.

Now why don't you find a seat, and let's tuck in.

- Dun dun dun!

Here we go!

- Oh, look at that. You've outdone yourself.

Mm.

- Well, Christmas is such fun!

[Laughter]

- Now a toast. To absent friends.

- Oh.

- I'm sure you're all aware that there's someone missing

from the table this year.

And I'd really like to pay homage to him.

To Les Oades.

- To Les. - To Les.

- Now, in the spirit of Les,

and unaccustomed as I am to the art form,

I've dared to write a poem.

- Oh, well done, Bill. - Thank you.

- "There is a woman called Darlene.

She's the most beautiful the world has ever seen.

I rolled her over in a bed of clover and said, goodness me,

I've really lucked in there, mate."

- [Laughter] - Well done.

- Oh, Bill, you're such a romantic!

- Isn't it a scorcher?

Mm. - Okay.

How is that a poem if it doesn't even rhyme?

- It's postmodern, Johnny. Get with it. Come on.

- If only you were here, half uncle Les.

You two could have had a poetry slam.

- Oh, we could indeed, Frodo. We could indeed, mate.

- Uh, Johnny, you can wear the Santa suit this year.

- Why me? - Because you need to cheer up.

And we need a bloody Santa.

- Hey, I've just been dumped by my fiancee.

I'm grieving. - All the more reason.

You're a loser. So put the suit on.

- I got dumped as well. - See? Why can't Rhys do it?

- 'Cause I bloody say so! Now put the bloody suit on!

- Merry Christmas, Rhys. - Oh, no, I can't.

I'm on duty.

- Yeah. You've been out a lot lately.

They're working you pretty hard.

Everything okay?

- Uh, yeah. Sweet.

- And we're all right, aren't we, Rhys?

- Um, uh, yeah. - 'Cause there's a lot going on.

It's all about the family. You understand?

Because without family, you're nothing.

Eh, Rhys?

[Cellphone chimes]

- Um...

Uh, it's a call out.

Got to go.

- Seriously?

Give me a look at that.

That's all right, then. Better bugger off, eh?

- Yeah. Uh, thanks.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Right. [Laughs]

- It's okay, Rhys.

As we discussed, make yourself scarce.

- Bobby, mind if we come in?

- You can't just barge in here on Christmas Day. Oi!

- We need to talk to Les. - Les is dead.

- Where is he, Bobby? - You went to his funeral.

- Mind if we look around?

A warrant?

- Yeah. What the hell are you looking for?

- The body of Bill Tompkins.

[Engine sputtering]

- Come on, come on.

Oh, no.

- Okay.

?

- Hi, detectives. I didn't know you were coming.

- Bobby, where is he?

- Who? - Les.

- Well, I should be asking you that.

You're the ones who turfed him out of his grave.

- Wait. Les is dead. - Where is Les and Darlene?

- Uh, Bill and Darlene said they were going

for a stroll to walk off the Christmas pudding.

Which was weird because we haven't

even started the mains yet.

- You want to go? - Yeah.

- We got this.

- Bobby Oades, you're under arrest.

Read him his rights. - What for?

- Where do I start? Get the team to surround the area.

- Ho ho ho! Here I am.

- Johnny. Don't even think about it.

- What?

- You know what?

He's mine.

- This should be entertaining.

?

- Give it up, Johnny!

He's still mine!

- Best seats in the house.

?

- [Gasps]

- Johnny, meet Bill.

Oh, that's right, you've already met.

- Aah!

[Hand cuffs click]

[Engine starts]

- I know that sound.

- That's your car, isn't it?

- I don't believe it.

[Car departs]

- Oh. Not again.

Come on.

- ? Here's the deal, now listen, kid ?

? To what I said, not what I did ?

? Get confused and think a lot

? Squeeze a lemon or easy drop

? He's a gold digger

- You think you can outrun them, Les?

- I'm faster than a bat out of hell.

- Yeah! Go, baby, go!

?

- Don't spare the horses.

- ? Careful what you say

? He's not just here for fun

- Whoa!

- You alright, girl? Alright?

[Siren wailing]

- This is Bailey's Road. It leads to Devil's Drop.

- It's a dead end.

- Well, you don't think he's- - No, no no, no.

He wouldn't.

- He better not.

- ? He's not just here for fun

? Run, run, run away

? Run away

? Run away

- They're never going to take us alive, Darl.

- Till death do us part, Les.

- I love you, my queen.

?

- No!

- Aaaah! What's going on?

[Siren wailing]

- What the hell, Les?!

- Out of bloody gas. Who doesn't fill the car up?

- Let's go.

- All of nothing, baby. - All or nothing.

- All or nothing.

- Go! - Go, darling.

- Go, go.

- Miss Wordsworth might have said she's

a bloody long way down there, Darl.

- Ah! I'm trying! - Here we go.

- Oh, my God. Let me go.

- Les! Step away from the fence.

- Bugger!

I think I might have let you down there, Darl.

- Put your hands up.

- I love you, Les-o.

- I love you too, Darlene.

Hey, fellas.

- What just happened? Oh.

I know, another stink Christmas.

- Dennis, how are you, mate?

Just got a bit of a situation here.

Um... - So I heard.

The thing is, Bill. Or is it Lester?

And don't take this the wrong way.

I never take cases I think I can't win.

You are on your own, sunshine.

?

- ? In the velvet night

? Before the golden light, you're gonna fall ?

? You're gonna fall

? Baby, strike a match before it burns to ash ?

- ? You're gonna fall - ? You're gonna fall

- Uh, could you state your full name?

- Uh, Darlene Tompkins.

- And, uh, who do you know this person to be?

- Les. That's Les.

- Lester Edwin Oades?

- Yes.

- And for the record,

this is not your dead husband, Bill Tompkins.

- No.

- When did your relationship with Les begin?

- Um, about six months ago.

Back in the South Island. Les answered my ad.

"Live in groundsman wanted."

- [Whistles] - These will be your quarters.

- So you're giving me the job, then?

- Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have to understand, Les awakened something in me,

something that had died, and was so handsome.

So clever.

- Like wind and rain.

Like petrol and flame. Bang, crash.

Hot, wet, and burning with desire.

You're my fire queen, a princess dream.

They call you trouble, but I, I call you Darlene.

- Oh. - Darlene.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, Darlene.

- It felt very natural.

It's kind of like destiny, bound together

like the perfect union of salt and stone and carbon monoxide.

After that, it was nonstop.

- We stole moments whenever we could.

- Gee whiz, she consumed me.

I'd even go so far as to say she devoured me, sir.

- [Sighs] I need to tell Bill.

I need to tell him that I'm in love with you.

- Oh, steady on, Darlene.

I think we've got the best of both worlds here.

Saucy relations and a very lavish lifestyle.

I mean, I've grown accustomed to Bill's top shelf.

I tell you.

- Yeah, but don't you want it all?

- So I was moving to Brokenwood

part of the plan to kill him?

- No, no, no, that's the thing.

Fate intervened.

Bill just dropped dead of a heart attack.

Just fell on the floor. [Chuckles]

- Well, blow me, Darl.

- Hm.

- Well, the poor joker just dropped to the floor.

Damned spot and all that.

- With a little help from Darlene?

- Well, no, no, it was a run of the mill heart attack, you know.

- Caused by Darlene. - Well, I'm not quite sure

where you're going with that one.

- Mm, well, that's curious, because your brother Bobby does.

- Anything Bill Tompkins has done has nothing to do with me.

He hosted Christmas.

I was very generous, and Bill and Darlene,

very generous people.

- On the other hand, your son Rhys saw it differently.

- You're- you're my Uncle Les who's dead?

- Do I look dead to you?

And more to the point, do I look like a sex pest?

The answer is no, by the way.

And you need to tell your little girlfriend that, please/

Set the record straight. - Do you understand, Rhys?

She didn't see what she thought she saw.

- No, you can't say that. It did happen.

She's sure.

- No. So it did happen, Rhys. But it wasn't Les.

It was Bill.

- Oh. So what do you want to be, Bill?

- Because he's dead. - And you're not Darlene?

- No, no, no. I am Darlene. Oh.

- Uh, Les. And I'm going to call him Les from now on.

- Good idea, given that's his name.

- Yeah, he was just trying to help

a damsel in distress, a grieving widow.

- So, as you can see, we've got

ourselves a situation here, Bobby.

- Yeah.

What the hell happened to him?

- Well, I only know what Darlene told me.

As it happened, she just wanted to change a lampshade.

?

- What have you done?

- Nothing. - Don't give me that.

I know that look. - [Sighs]

I didn't mean to.

- You stupid bastard!

We'd sold up to leave all that sick stuff in the south.

New island, new start.

But he just couldn't keep it in his pants.

How old was she?

- She won't say anything.

- Yeah, but what about the next one?

And the one after that?

- Don't get high and mighty with me.

I know about you and Les.

- Don't change the subject!

- Les has to go!

- Don't you dare!

- He's a leech!

Living off my land, my pantry, my wife!

- If you touch Les,

I'll go to the cops with your dirty little secret.

I should have done it the first time.

- [Laughs] You wouldn't go to the cops.

Not in a million years. You haven't got the balls.

- [Electricity crackling] - Oh!

Bloody hell! [Groans]

Darlene!

- With his heart condition, it didn't take much, I guess.

- He's got two grown up children

from his first marriage.

They live overseas and they are ungrateful swine, apparently.

- Darlene reckons that they were going to go for half,

but she thought that was very unfair,

and Les was inclined to agree.

- Now, why should she have to give away half when,

with our help, she can take it all, Bobby?

We cash up in the new year, and we head for Bolivia, mate.

- Bolivia? - Yeah.

There's no extradition there, Bobby.

We'll be safe as houses. We'll be sold up and long gone

before those kids even know their dad's dead.

4% a hell of a lot, Bobby.

And you won't even have to lift a finger, mate.

- Like I said, none of this was my idea.

- For Les to become Bill, that was Bobby's idea.

- You're not from around these parts.

And Bill's only been here a week.

Who's to say who's who, eh?

Hey, watch this. Frodo.

- Hey, Uncle Bobby. How's the grave digging business?

- Yeah. Keeping me honest, Frodo.

Keeping me honest.

Have you met Bill Tomkins? You Uncle Les works for him.

- Hey. Nice to meet you. - Frodo, is it?

- Yeah. Franklin for short.

- Yeah. Well, good to meet you, Frodo.

Good to meet you.

- Honestly, none of it.

- I had to put him in the chiller for a day

and leave him on the road.

Yeah, that was Bobby's idea, as well.

- Right. He's coming back from the pub.

He carks it. No one will think twice.

- Yeah.

- Well, things may have got a little out of hand.

[Chuckles]

- So...

- In my defense, Bill wasn't a good person.

- So better off dead, do you think?

- You tell me.

- Dumped in the middle of the road and buried.

Then dug back up and thrown off a cliff

and left to wash up in the tide.

- I think it was Byron who said, "It is what it is, man.

It is what it is."

- Les, will you wait for me?

Les?

- ? When the shadows climb, you'll already be mine ?

? You're gonna fall

- ? You broke the lock on your heart, but its in vain ?

? Now I'll scale the walls you put up ?

? To keep the pain out

- ? Flag high and kiss your ass goodbye ?

? You're gonna fall

- ? You're gonna fall

? You're gonna fall into my arms ?

? You're gonna fall

? I'll be the one to knock your head off ?

- Merry Christmas, Johnny.

- ? You're gonna fall, you're gonna fall ?

?

- What did I say?

Christmas brings out the worst in people.

- You really think that?

- Well, maybe if you're an Oades.

- Well, team, uh, I'm sorry you missed your celebrations.

- Yeah, well, a glass of wine, don my eyebrows.

I really know how to have a meaningful Christmas Day.

[Bell dings]

- All that food, I couldn't let it go to waste.

I'm doing an orphan's Christmas.

- Okay.

- ? We don't get snow like some places we know ?

? The bobby's and the pace is real slow ?

? So leave a year's worth of worries alone ?

? This Christmas

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Cheers. - Merry Christmas.

- ? Mistletoe

? 'Cause, baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

? Baby, you are Christmas to me ?

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