Original subtitles

♪ If I should smile

♪ With sweet surprise

♪ It's just that you've grown up

♪ Before my very eyes

♪ You've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen... ♪

[machinery whirring]

[music plays in the background]

[man speaking on TV] Never mind.

[indistinct voices on TV]

[power and music whooshes off]

[man speaking on the TV] All I did was look in the man's face

when he was shot there and saw that expression on his face and grabbed...

[man continues speaking indistinctly]

I'm positive that it hit him. I hope it didn't, but I'm positive that it hit him.

And he went all the way down in the car.

Then they speeded up and I didn't know what was going on,

so I just grabbed the boy and fell on him and hoped, sir, there wasn't a manic around.

[TV coverage continues indistinctly]

I can't help you more but I... I won't forget.

[interviewer] Yeah.

It's all right, sir.

You're looking older.

Bad news, innit?

What, you turning up or Kennedy getting killed?

[dog barks]

It's been a bit quiet round here tonight.

I thought there must be something good on the telly.

Yeah, we were supposed to be playing at a dance,

but all the girls started crying and everybody was sent home.

Playing?

- I'm in a group. - [scoffs]

Well, it's better than living in that grotty caravan with woodworm in your socks.

Caravan's all right.

It's my pension.

What do you mean?

- I rent it out as a knocking shop. - [laughs]

[rock 'n' roll plays in the background]

Mike, wanna join us?

We need a road manager.

I've got a good job 'ere.

Yeah, but you'll never make a million, never get rich.

No.

I'm not smart, like you.

You'd like the life - all the money, the birds.

Like tonight, eh?

[laughs]

Where'd you get your limp?

I fell out with bad company.

Look, come and meet the boys! You've got nothing to lose.

♪ I've been cheated

♪ Been mistreated

♪ When will I be loved?... ♪

Who's this?

Mike Menary, Johnny Cameron.

Hello, Michael Menary.

We've got a lunchtime gig.

Come and see us.

♪ She always breaks my heart in two

♪ It happens every time

♪ I've been cheated

♪ Been mistreated

♪ When will I be loved? ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[Mike] We'll take a hundred for that old van.

We'll give you another two for this. That's 300 in all and I won't say a word.

- You with that lot? - Yeah.

And where do you think you're gonna find 200 quid, eh?

- You got a point there, Ralph. - Yeah.

Let's say we use my caravan as collateral.

Well, until I get enough money together for the HP.

[Ralph laughs] Your caravan ain't worth 200.

It is to me.

Parked here, it would be to you.

I want that van, Ralph.

How's Betty and the kids?

- Are you leaning on me? - Yeah.

Well, you had a good time in my caravan, didn't ya?

- Yeah. - 300 then.

Dead caravans don't talk.

Oi.

Just remember, I bartered my bloody home for you.

Come on, Jim, give us a hand.

I can't afford to pay you if you didn't play the whole night.

Listen, it wasn't our fault that we didn't play. We didn't shoot him.

Look, Mr Nolan, we played for a complete hour.

Right.

Look, fellas, I know it's unfortunate.

- But we have a contract. - Exactly.

[Johnny] We have a contract and we played one hour, therefore you have to pay us.

I had to give everyone their money back.

I don't care whose money you had to give back. How about giving us some money, huh?

- What kind of a guy are you, anyway? - Come on then, layabouts, get on stage.

- Just hang on a second. - Get on stage, will you?

This guy won't pay us, man!

- Three-chord wonders, eh? - Look, I have an audience waiting.

My God! A right little band of barrack-room lawyers.

- I'm sorry about this. - One, two, three, four!

[music plays]

♪ Oh, when your hands start clapping

♪ And your fingers start snapping

♪ And your feet start moving around

♪ Oh, if you start to swing and sway

♪ When the band starts to play

♪ A real cool way-out sound... ♪

It's always difficult getting a new business on its feet.

You fancy a drink?

Mmm.

♪ Need a shot of rhythm and blues

- Yeaaah! - ♪ With just a little rock 'n' roll on the side

♪ Just for good measure

♪ Get a pair of dancin' shoes

♪ With your lover by your side

♪ Then you know you're gonna get a lot of... ♪

Well, this is not worth the paper it's written on, Keith.

- All right, guv. - I'll get 'em.

♪ Don't you worry about a thing

♪ When you start to dance and sing

♪ And the chill bumps come up on you

♪ When the rhythm finally hits you

♪ And the beat gets you too

♪ Here's a thing for you to do... ♪

- I understand your problem, Keith, honestly. - Excuse me, please.

But you know what the boys are like. They can be very awkward.

Especially when they've got right on their side.

I'll tell you what, I'll put it to 'em.

[applause]

Thank you. We'd like to carry on with, uh...

something of our own this time. It's...

It's a number that Stevie and I wrote.

Hope you like it. It's called "Make Me Good".

One, two, three, uh...

[music plays]

♪ Tie me down

♪ Make me so I never run around

♪ Hold me by your side... ♪

It's a pleasure doing business with a straight bloke like you, Keith.

I tell you what, the boys won't forget your generosity.

[music plays faintly] ♪ She's not there!

♪ Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked

♪ The way she acts... ♪

[chuckles]

[dustbin crashes]

[bottle smashes]

[laughter]

[Stevie] Is this it?

That's all the mean bugger thinks your worth.

[Stevie] You coming?

Not you, you silly sod.

[Stevie] Come on, get a move on.

[baby bawls]

Right, us two in here.

You two in there.

Stevie, you'll be all right on the floor. JD, lend him your sleeping bag.

[girl moans]

[baby bawls]

Well, come on, lads! I'd do the same for you, you know that.

Right.

[girl screams]

["It Might As Well Rain Until September" by Carole King plays on the radio]

What's the idea?

You don't want to sleep three in a bed in a boarding house, do you?

Your mate Johnny going in and out like a fiddler's elbow all night.

You know, with... with a bit of luck,

I really think we're gonna make it big.

All we need is the right breaks.

What would you do if you made it big?

Buy myself an orchard.

A what?

An orchard of pudenda trees.

Or are they bushes?

- [they laugh] - Let's have a look.

Cor, look at the state of that.

You're in, ain't you?

What happened with the, uh...

Nolan? No trouble.

See, that's what we want. We want somebody with a bit of muscle power.

A bit of know-how.

All right.

But if it's gonna be me, it's gotta be me.

Anything.

Okay.

["Do You Want to Know a Secret" by The Beatles plays on the radio]

Mike, what did you think of the group?

Well, you're never gonna be Buddy Holly, but you were good tonight.

But I'll tell you one thing.

- You're never gonna make it with that loser. - What loser?

That Knee-Tremble Johnny.

You're never even gonna be part-time as long as he's playing at Troy Donahue.

I tell you.

But the rest of the boys, they're all right.

Yeah, right.

But he wants to put the world in his jockstrap.

It's no good.

He's an old-fashioned loser. Honest. I can see it in his eyes.

Yes, another minute on four to go.

Good that. Good article, that one.

Oh, can I help you, madam?

Now, come on, think seriously about it, eh?

I mean, you can't spend the rest of your life opening one laundrette after another.

Listen.

What happens to you if the bubble bursts on the washing-machine business?

- That's a funny line that, innit? "Bubble burst". - Number eight.

Oh, sorry, madam. Yes.

Look, Ron, I've never put you wrong yet, have I, eh?

I mean, this is the perfect proposition to you. There's no capital involved.

All we need is your business acumen.

Well, it won't cost you anything, will it, to let the boys use your place

for rehearsals now and again?

Well, of course, it's true that every serious businessman knows you have to diversify.

Oh, number nine, love? Yes, number nine's ready.

I mean, it's true that life's been good to me

and it might be an idea to put some of it back, as it were, by encouraging talent.

Yeah, right. That's absolutely right that is.

No, Mike, I'm not altogether convinced. I mean, I do value my privacy.

All right, now stop there.

Because if there is one thing that I can assure you of, Ronald, it is your privacy.

I mean, you won't even know they're there.

Catch!

- Six! - Six!

A six!

Six for a certificate and four for a picture of Her Gracious Majesty, our lovely Queen.

[guitar plays, clapping, whistling]

[Jim sings]

- Whoo! - My friend...

Would you piss off, Clover?

- [guitar plays, singing] - [Stevie] A...

[horn honks]

- [Stevie] D. - [JD] Great gonzos!

Laundrette Lil! Quick, backs to the wall!

[crockery smashes]

Bloody hell! Jim...

D-A, D-A...

[singing and guitar continue]

They've landed, they've landed, they've landed!

Bloody state of this place.

- Like a teddy bears' picnic. - Are you trying to be funny?

Not really.

[Jim plays "Teddy Bears' Picnic"]

♪ If you go down to the woods today... ♪

All right, listen, will you? Listen. Ronald's got something he wants to say to you.

Oh, no. No, it's nothing yet, Mike.

- [all talking] - No, no, boys, no.

- [all talking] - No, no.

Well...

All right!

There's just a chance that I might be able to introduce you to a friend.

- [all] Oooh! - [Johnny] A friend?

A music publisher.

A music publisher?

- Someone who might be able to help. - Ronnie baby, that is fantastic.

Yes, well, I'm going up to London tonight for a meeting. You... you never know.

You never know. And let's face it, Ron,

it is about time you started doing something for your, uh, ten per cent.

Well, look, you do live here, you know. I think that must be worth something.

- [Jim plays guitar] - All right. Come on, listen.

- [crockery smashes] - Hold it, hold it.

- You're doing a gig tonight. - Where?

At the university.

Hey!

The T-Bones had to pull out, so...

Well, we got you on last.

You're topping the bill.

You're following those birds from Birmingham with the tits and arses.

[plays a chord]

[rock 'n' roll music plays]

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron

♪ Ooh, ooh!

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron

♪ He picked me up at seven and he looked so fine

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron... ♪

Twin each?

Reckon there's much chance?

We'd have to be cool. I mean...

♪ And when he walked me home

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron!

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron

♪ Da do ron-ron-ron Da do ron-ron ♪

Get them in Lil's room.

Yeah, go on, cock, on you go. Come on, lads, right.

Come on.

Alex, come on, mate! Come on.

Here, thunder thighs, come here.

Come here.

You two fancy a grind?

- [giggling] - Eh?

[music plays]

♪ I bless the day I found you

♪ I want to stay around you

♪ And so I beg you

♪ Let it be me

[mic feedbacks]

♪ Don't take this heaven from one

♪ If you must cling to someone

♪ Now and forever

♪ Let it be me ♪

Steve. Finish up for me, I'm going.

- Ain't you coming down the Blue Angel? - No, I've got me own Blue Angel.

What's, he keeping warm for you?

[music plays on the radio]

[music stops]

Jim!

Jim?

Jim?

[giggling]

Eeny.

[giggling]

Meeny.

Miny.

Moe.

Ooh!

[commentary on radio] The big man Liston doesn't seem to know what's happening.

[retunes radio station]

[commentary on radio] A man Clay taunted by calling him a big ugly bear for weeks

has been mesmerised by this remarkable young man,

who's now darting round the ring like a featherweight.

A left, another left, a right! They're coming from every angle.

Liston parts, he leads. He tries to get out the way. He can't, he's too heavy.

Liston tries to clinch but the referee pulls them apart.

Another left by Clay. We're coming up to the seventh round now.

Liston must be wondering what to do.

And something's wrong in Liston's corner. Liston's... I don't think he's gonna come out!

He's not coming out! Liston is just sitting there!

- [boxing bell rings] - It's over! It's unbelievable!

Cassius Clay is the new world champion!

- Liston has given up! He's given up! - [crowd cheering]

[Johnny] Hang on, turn it up. I want to listen to this.

Look, come on, Mikey, you can't blame me.

- Oh, that's really great, I really like that. - Two that'll go together.

It's a chance you can't throw away.

["Baby Love" by The Supremes plays on radio]

Mike?

I'm sorry.

You're gonna make a great champion.

[Johnny] Mike, don't you think it's about time you cleaned this bleedin' van?

[laughter]

Where have you been, boys? You're late. I've been standing here for ten minutes.

- [Mike] Sorry about that, Ronald. - Where have you been? Time is money!

- We can't keep people waiting, it's very rude. - I'm terribly sorry about this, Ronald.

Quick. Come on.

[Stevie] We'll be up there one day, lads!

I've listened to your tapes, boys.

And I think they may be promising.

However...

I don't want to raise your hopes too high because, as you well know,

there's a tremendous amount of talent around at the moment.

- Are you listening? - [Mike] Oi!

And without putting too fine a point on it,

a lot of them can offer a great deal more

in the way of professionalism.

Anyway...

despite advice to the contrary, I've decided to give you a chance,

Ronald and I being old friends.

Thank you very much, Mr Day.

[electric guitar screeches, chord plays]

Steve, give me an E, will you?

- Steve, give me an E. - I haven't got an E, mate.

"B", a "B".

- [electric guitar notes play] - [Johnny] Mike, plectrum.

Mike, I need a plectrum now.

Hang on!

[engineer] All right, let's have some backing level then.

Eh, you two... Um, Jim, isn't it?

- [tuning guitar] - And quiet, everybody else, please!

[studio goes quiet]

[they sing hesitantly] ♪ Some other guy now ♪

[they sing louder] ♪ Some other guy now ♪

Okay. Now, you, uh, sonny.

♪ Some other guy now

- ♪ Has taken my love away... ♪ - That's enough.

- [JD] Mike, can I have some sticks? - [Mike] Here you are.

- [Jim] Mike, it's all right now. - [Johnny] Jim... Yeah, it's good now.

Give me a B.

[band warming up, indistinct chatter]

- [Johnny singing] ♪ I am a lonely one! ♪ - [Jim] Steve? Steve, have you set up?

I'll just have a last word with the boys.

[indistinct chatter]

[drums sound-checking]

[guitars and drums sound-checking]

He is a real problem.

Can I have some more top on that guitar, please? It's just not cutting through at all.

Right, and I think we definitely need the piano up. I just can't hear that.

Good. Just a bit more and I think you've got it.

- All right? - Yeah, okay.

Hey!

Ronald. Fancy a drink?

Bit more level.

- [guitar chord plays] - Thank you.

[band playing]

♪ Some other guy now

♪ Has taken my love away from me

♪ Oh, now, some other guy now

♪ Has taken away my sweet, sweet love ♪

Fade it out.

Okay, your turn.

♪ Some other guy! ♪

[music stops]

Okay, that's fine. Let's get right on to the other side.

- Can we hear that back? - Better not, might put you off.

Be ready go as soon as possible, boys. Studio time costs money.

I think we can lose you on this one, Johnny.

- Uh, let's try this as a solo from Jim. - Sorry?

Let's try this as a solo from Jim.

No, we've rehearsed it like this, so...

John. John, John, don't blow it.

- What you mean, don't blow it? - Shit, man, come on, let's go.

[Johnny over speakers] Look, man, what the hell's going on here?

- [Jim] Look, if they want it. - [Johnny] What the hell's going on here?

- Come on, let's go! - [JD] Oh, cool it, you two, cool it, please.

Ready? One, two, three, four.

♪ Ooh, you kept me waiting just a little bit too long

♪ Just a little bit too long

♪ You kept me waiting just a little bit too long

♪ Too long

♪ Remember how I tried to hold you?

♪ Baby, do you believe in me-e-e

♪ Should have listened when I told you

♪ That someday you'll be needing me-e

♪ Now you say I'm on my way...

♪ You see, I'm gonna feel it strong-ong-ong

♪ Cos you kept me waiting

♪ Just a little bit too long... ♪

- Mike? - It's all right.

♪ Kept me waiting just a little bit... ♪

Well, boys, that's what you sound like.

- It's amazing. - Really good.

We'll take a chance on it. Johnny, I'm making your side the A-side.

- And, Jim, you'll be on the flip. - Right.

Day Ray Music will own the worldwide publishing. Agreed?

- Right. - Of course, you'll get a writers' royalty.

Well, we had planned to have our own publishing company.

I suggest you learn to walk before you try to run.

There are plenty more groups outside waiting to come in.

- Agreed then? - [Johnny] Agreed.

Okay, lads, well, I think this calls for a rather small celebration, don't you think?

- I'll have a large black one. - Shall we?

- A celebration! - Why not?

Let's not get too greedy, eh?

[music plays on the radio]

Shame about Laundrette Lil.

[laughs] He was worth his slice.

Got a fag, Johnny?

[DJ on radio] Now, shipmateys, back to the treasure trove for...

Wait for it!

High, high, high, high, high!

Do you know what? I'm tired of being surrounded by bloodsuckers.

Do you realise, after we've paid him,

the HP, everybody else,

there's sod all left for us?

Do you realise that?

Do you want to take a turn at driving, Johnny?

When you start making records,

I'll start driving vans.

My mum was a bus driver in the war.

[Johnny] What are you on about?

He said his dad was a Number 69.

[music plays faintly]

[Colin] Gentlemen of the press, thank you very much indeed for coming.

The second best journalist in Fleet Street.

- [she laughs] Hi! How are you? - Fine.

[Colin] Hello, sir. It's nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming to our launching.

[indistinct chatter]

- Ta-ta. - Nice to talk to you. All the best.

- I wonder who the drummer is, do you know? - No, I don't know the drummer.

J D Clover.

- Thanks. - Hello.

- Hello. - Here, come on, I want you to meet someone.

- Are you a Stray Cat? - No, I'm a roadie.

Oh.

Roadie sounds like some kind of vagrant. What is it?

Well, it's a bit like an army batman without the uniform.

He's the bloke that makes sure there's enough chips, beer and rubbers to go round.

He pulls the birds, the pills and the pot

and anything else that may be required to satisfy their lust.

Carnal law otherwise.

- Tell me about the Stray Cats. - Listen...

Jim MacLaine is the Stray Cats.

Sally Potter, The Evening Standard.

Well, I'll leave you together then, eh?

[Sally] Hello.

- Are you the vocalist? - Yes.

[shouting and laughter]

Get off those donkeys!

Excuse me.

He's a disc jockey, isn't he?

Yeah.

- Why, do you fancy him? - I might.

Aye-aye-aye, shipmatey!

Mike Menary. I never miss your programme.

Well, thank you, shipmatey.

Here, you want to go to a party tonight?

All righty. Where at?

Your place?

What kind of party do you have in mind?

Do you fancy that?

Don't go away.

[music plays on the radio]

[DJ on radio] So here we are, shipmateys. It's time for my flyer of the week.

Tonight and all this week, you can hear for the very first time anywhere

the record which I just know is going to be the number one chart-bound sound!

Oh, yes! This is going to be the big one!

Jim MacLaine, Stray Cats and "You Kept Me Waiting"!

[laughs] Yay!

He's played the wrong side.

The stupid bastards played the wrong side!

Stupid spanner. I'll have to write to him.

- What's... What's with this Jim MacLaine? - Come on, we've gotta get back.

- Come on, Johnny, come on! - Let's go, kids!

[all talking]

["You Kept Me Waiting" plays]

♪ Then you'll believe in me-e-e

♪ Should have listened when I told you

♪ That someday you'll be needing me-e

♪ Now you say I'm on my way... ♪

I've done the double.

♪ Cos you kept me waiting

♪ Just a little bit too long... ♪

[compere] And now, girls, this is what you've all been waiting for!

Tonight's star attraction!

[screaming]

The people who kept you waiting. Now, here with their brand-new release,

"Take It Away", Jim MacLaine and the Stray Cats!

[music plays, screaming]

♪ Now, clean living Bob was a picture to be painted

♪ Rolled into town just to get acquainted

♪ With a fast city lady drawn in his pages at school

[screaming]

♪ And he soon found the trick What? To learn how to boogie

♪ Heavy with the crowds, fast, loose and boozy

♪ When the cleaners found him he was lying... ♪

[director] Change shot on that. That's fine on one. Hold that on one.

Go to one. One. Now to the drums on two. Ready, two!

Hold the guitars on one.

Fine on three. Camera three next. Three!

♪ And I know that you've been thinking I've been doing too much drinking

♪ Stoned before the Six O'Clock News

♪ Take it away, take it away

♪ Take it away, yes, take it away... ♪

Three. Come back out of it.

Fine. Ready on three. Three!

Three. Go tighter please on two. Tighter, tighter, tighter, tighter!

- Could you... [indistinct] - Yes, yes, sure, sure, sure.

One! Tighten it up on the lead singer, please. Everybody on the lead singer.

Stand by on two. Two!

[cheering in the distance]

[glasses smashing]

[JD] Pass me over the booze. Now I want something evil to sit on me face!

- Alex, would you shout... - Here comes the Pied Piper.

[Johnny] Will you just hang on a minute? I want to watch the box.

- [JD shouts manically] - Mine told me she was a virgin.

- Which one? - The first three.

[laughs] Isn't love wunderbar?

Here, darling, can I have the Titanic special?

[girls clamouring] Sign here! Sign here! Sign here!

Mike.

It'll be little boys and sheep next.

Well, you voted him in.

[Mike] Nobody's indispensable, are they?

Here, Mike, have a look at this, it's unbelievable.

- Eh? Guess she can throw. - Boys?

- Randy Rita. - You're number one in Britain.

And you've just entered the American charts at number 18 with a bullet.

- [Mike] Well done, boys! - [Colin] Well done, boys.

- [cheering] - Come on!

Now...

Now we have to consolidate with some top-line grooming.

So, one, some nice smart suits.

Two, gingham shirts with tab collars.

Three, Annello's for boots.

Four, we've got some arty-farty photographer wants to come down and do a photo-session.

- Right! - The last one, five.

I think it's about time Mike had a couple of assistants to help him on the road.

- Hear, hear! - Yeah.

- He needs that, he's getting a bit old! - [laughter]

Thank you, boys.

- Here, Mike, that's really great, eh? - Yeah, wonderful news, isn't it?

Fancy a drink?

[girls screaming]

All right?

Christ, listen.

[girls chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim!

There you are. Forget your head one day. You all right?

Yeah.

- Okay, gentlemen. - Okay, come on.

[girls chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim!

We've come to the moment that you've all been waiting for,

because it's right now that I'm going to introduce you to

the group that you've voted up to the 1965...

[he keeps speaking indistinctly] The winners of the most popular

pop group in Britain today, Jim MacLaine and the Stray Cats!

[girls screaming]

One, two, three and...

[music plays]

Hey! Come on! Rock 'n' roll!

[girls clapping in time]

♪ Some other guy now has taken my girl away from me

♪ Oh, now

♪ Some other guy now, has taken away my sweet, sweet girl

♪ Oh, now, some other guy now

♪ I just want her to hold my hand

♪ Cos I'm the lonely one

♪ As lonely as I can be... ♪

♪ Don't you tell me I can trade it

♪ Kissing the perfect school fool

♪ Cos I recall you, baby, I... ♪

[music stops, drums continue to play]

[girls screaming]

♪ You kept me waiting

- ♪ Just a little bit too long - Just a little bit too long

♪ Kept me waiting

- ♪ Just a little bit too long - Just a little bit too long... ♪

♪ Take it away!

♪ You gotta take it away!

♪ They got to roll in the gas Pay somebody to steal my shoes

♪ And I know that you've been thinking I've been doing too much drinking

♪ Stoned before the Six O'Clock News

♪ Take it away, take it away

♪ Take it away, yes, take it away

♪ I can't trust myself

♪ No, with a bottle of booze ♪

[wild cheering]

[band continue singing, screaming and instruments drown out lyrics]

♪ Oh, take it away

♪ You got to take it away

♪ Take it away You got to, yes

♪ Pay somebody to steal my shoes

♪ And I know that you've been thinking I've been doing too much drinking

♪ I'm stoned before the Six O'Clock News

♪ Take it away, take it away

♪ Take it away, yes, take it away

♪ I can't trust myself

♪ No, with a bottle of booze ♪

Whoo!

[screaming]

[girls stamping feet and chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim!

We want Jim! We want Jim!

We want Jim!

We want Jim! We want Jim!

[screaming]

[police siren wails, tyres squeal]

Jeez!

[laughter]

[Stevie] We're on, boys.

[female reporter] The latest of yet another pop music invasion for swinging London

- arrived at Kennedy Airport today... - A bit stoned in this one, Alex.

This now familiar scene of thousands of screaming teenagers.

[girls screaming]

[knocking]

Here, JD, answer the door.

I say, you inconsiderate sods! I thought everything here was automatic.

Come on in, Carlos. How's your nuts?

Come on, lads, stand by your beds.

[phone rings, TV commentary continues]

Hello.

It's the Stray Cats. This is Jim MacLaine's butler speaking.

Nah. It's Stevie, actually.

Oh, great. Well, I think...

Give 'em a cheer, boys. Radio station.

[cheering]

How's that? WABC.

Well, my favourite's "Make Me Good".

Oh, piss off!

No, not you. Sorry... He's hung up.

[chatter continues indistinctly]

[Stevie] Oi, got the ketchup?

- Which hand's it in? - Either one, I don't care.

[music plays]

[Stevie] Here. "Dear JD, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I won third prize at school for Movement.

And second prize for Cooking.

- So I am... So I am quite talented. - At very fast cooking.

[laughter]

[chattering continues]

On behalf of the Stray Cats.

I'd like to present you with a small token of our depreciation

and welcome to America.

No, I don't want them, man.

Come on! Come on!

What's the time?

- He's on! - Who?

Jim.

Our leader. What channel?

Fiddle about a bit till you find it.

[music plays on TV]

It's good here, ain't it? Oh, sorry, sunshine, all over the whistle.

- Never mind, eh? - [woman on TV] I'll put the children to bed.

- Here he is! - Oh, twat!

[Jim] I really think that it's time that us young ones

should have a chance at running things.

Everywhere you look in the world, I mean, there's... it's a mess.

Look at the money they've spent on the space programme.

And then look at India and there's, like, millions of people starving.

How do you feel about the legalisation of marijuana?

- [JD] Shameful. - [Jim] I think the law on drugs is silly.

- Silly, very silly. - I think everybody should be able to choose.

Cos it just doesn't work out.

How do you feel about marriage and women and exciting things like that?

Um...

I think if two people want to live together, then they should be able to.

- Oh! - Yeah! Come on!

Marriage is the, uh...

Probably isn't necessarily...

well, necessary.

[laughter]

Are you living with somebody right now, Jim?

No. No. No, I'm not.

But if two people want to do that, then...

- um, you know, I think that's their decision. - Yeah.

- [JD] Hypocrite! - So right now you're a happy bachelor?

- That's right. - [laughter]

- Thank you, Jim MacLaine. - Thank you.

[cheering and laughter]

[blows a raspberry]

[director] Okay, we're off the air. That's a wrap. Thank you, studio.

Thank you, Jim. Good luck with the American tour.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Let's get this studio cleared as quickly as possible, please!

Jim.

Porter Lee Austin.

- I'm delighted to meet you. - Nice to see you.

I'm your new manager and I want you to meet Felix Hoffman.

He's a friend, attorney and my personal IV machine.

What's happening? I've got a manager!

- Yeah, sod off! Come on. - No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Jim...

You mean, you don't know about this?

Now what the hell is this? Is this the way the English do business?

God only knows.

Jim, Colin Day sold me 75% of Stray Cats Incorporated this afternoon.

And from now on my company, Maria Industries of New York,

has a majority shareholding in you and the Stray Cats.

No, you don't sell me. I'm not a bloody commodity.

Now, wait a minute. Before you get uptight, I want to tell you something.

There's no one in the whole world who's a bigger fan of yours than I am.

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

There are things in your music, Jim, that I've felt I've known all my life.

But I've never been able to express them, you know what I mean?

Now, Colin Day, and believe me, I love him like a brother.

But you're new to the States and he knows and I know.

But to start you off big, the way someone of your talent deserves,

you need someone who knows the territory and the business.

I'm here to tell you, all bullshit aside,

there's no one who can do more for you, artistically, financially,

merchandise or any other goddamn field you care to name than Maria Industries.

Now, Colin knew that, that's why he sold.

Now, I can see you're shocked, but I want to tell you one thing and you can check on it, Jim.

No one ever walked on me. No artist ever walked on Maria Industries.

You got to understand, you're in a jungle now, you understand?

And that jungle is filled with apes just ready to start ripping you up.

I mean, they could piss away millions of dollars in franchises, hell, tour payments.

You name it, you wouldn't even notice it.

Nobody ever ripped off old Porter Lee, not ever. You know why?

Because I'm the biggest ape in the goddamn jungle, that's why. [laughs]

[Felix] How are you enjoying the States?

I think your ape men are wonderful.

["Monday, Monday" by The Mamas & The Papas plays on the radio]

[police siren]

[DJ on radio] In at number three this week, it's Jim MacLaine and his Stray Cat band -

"Make Me Good".

Hey!

["Make Me Good" plays]

Boys, turn it up!

[Jim] Whoo! All right!

[horn honks]

Right, well, that's gonna cost 8,000.

Another 28,000 to pressurise it and refurbish it.

[indistinct chatter]

All right.

Tell us, what do you really think of America?

Well, I don't really know America.

All I know are, sort of, aeroplanes and hotel rooms.

I know there exists down there somewhere an America, but...

At least he didn't say, "Turn left at Greenland."

Someone should tell him there's five of us.

- Pick a card, JD. - Ten of diamonds.

["House Of The Rising Sun" by The Animals plays on the radio]

Well, it's a religious organisation and expenditures and holdings are

not liable to taxes if you're a registered religious charity.

- Is that right? - That's the truth, yeah.

Jim, what do you think about God, Jim?

- [girls screaming] - ♪ Keep me straight, baby

♪ Point me right before it gets too late

♪ Just having you inside can make me right when I'm wrong... ♪

[girls chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim! We want Jim!

[girls screaming]

♪ Make me good

♪ Make me good, love

♪ Make me feel the way it feels to feel good, love

♪ Make me good

♪ Make me see in love

♪ Seeing you, well, me and you should be in love

♪ Make it be, love... ♪

[girls chanting] We want Jim!

Well, could you start by telling us a few words about

what your family life was like back in England?

Um... Well, I came from sort of a working-class family.

Uh, my mum used to have a grocery shop.

My dad left home when I was...

Funny. I never realised a bull's-eye was that small before.

If that was Knee-Tremble Johnny, even if he lost a leg he wouldn't fall over.

- Who's his royal highness speaking to now? - I don't know.

- Big deal! - Well, he is the voice of America.

Yeah, well, when I joined the Stray Cats, I thought we were all born equal.

[Mike] Well, you are. You all know that.

Bullshit! We've been here for six months and Alex hasn't so much as bleedin' well

grunted his way through one interview yet!

Yeah, I suppose it must be very hard for you boys.

I don't know what I'd do in your place.

Course, you're all going to Vegas next week.

The divorce laws are easy there.

I'd better see the amplifiers.

[Jim in the background] And, sort of, learn about the world, I suppose.

[interviewer] Tell me, Jim, what plans do you have for after your vacation in the West Indies?

[Porter] He was a monster, I'm telling you, a monster!

[he laughs] There, try and get this one.

We couldn't ship enough of that mother's records he was so big.

Try the other leg, boy. There you go, boy.

That's all right. I'll get it, I'll get it!

You know, at one time,

both Capitol and Columbia had plants over in Detroit and Cleveland pressing for us.

He was that big, that big.

Like King Kong, he was, for a time.

And then the branch broke. After that...

- No, no, I'm going up in a minute. - ..no kind of hype in the world

was going to get him back up on his perch.

Ooh! You couldn't give that mother away!

- Hey, give me a towel there, boy. - Sure, here.

- Beating your ass off, Felix. - [Felix laughs]

- [Porter] One day, he was at one of those... - Telephone, Mr Hoffman.

[Porter]..LBJ barbecues they've got down there and the next day,

- he couldn't get served a tuna fish sandwich... - What's wrong, honey?

- Get off! - [Porter] You know that, Jim?

- [Felix] It's Sandy in New York. - [Porter] Oh, God!

Hey, Sandy. It's Sandy in New York.

Hey, Sandy, what's the scoop, babe?

Yeah. Did you book it?

[laughs loudly] Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah, right! That's wonderful.

- All right? - Yeah, yeah, he'll be ready.

[Porter laughs]

And you can tell London, they're all gonna be new songs.

- New?! - That's right, that's right.

- Oh! - Jim MacLaine originals.

How about the tour?

Hang on a second, Sandy.

They're laying 42 dates on us for the autumn tour including Canada.

42?!

Christ!

That's impossible.

- Just under two million gross, less contingencies... - That's all I need.

Hello? Now, what about Japan?

- Oh, I want to go to Japan. Never been there. - Not until after Easter.

All right, okay.

Oh, yeah, he's in perfect condition.

Yeah, he's healthy and tanned.

[laughs] Sandy, I tell you,

you stick him in a loaf of bread. a pickle up his ass

and mustard in his hair and you've got yourself a sales-maker hamburger.

[he laughs loudly]

I don't know what it means, but I gotta a laugh out of you, didn't I?

Hey, I really appreciate this, boy.

Yeah, what's your old lady want for Christmas?

[laughs] Okay.

Yeah, you consider it done. [laughs]

What the hell's a Silver Cloud?

Is this your first visit to Bermuda?

[posh voice] Yes, we came to visit the penguins.

You know, when I was in high school, I was hardly ever out of Bermudas.

I'm terribly sorry. I hope I didn't hold you all up.

It was the record company in New York.

- Is everything all right, honey? - Everything's just fine, sweetheart.

There has been a little confusion about the dates, Jim.

They're telling us now that they want the album completed by the last week in August.

That way, they'd be sure and have it ready for the Christmas selling lot.

Now I told you, didn't I? You didn't believe me, did you?

The record business is just like any other.

You've got to get the product in the stores at the optimum moment

to maximise on the capital investment. Isn't that right?

An album released by the Stray Cats can gross an extra two million worldwide,

if it's released in time for the Christmas selling period.

A week or two out either way and you give your competitor a halfway open market.

You're just going to have to work a bit faster, honey.

That's right. You just keep up that old assembly line.

It's slightly more difficult in our case. You see, Jim writes all his own songs.

There's no way.

Now, come on now, Jim.

Of course you can do it. I mean, you've got seven songs already.

That means four more to go. Maybe even three.

You're not doing anything else this week. What I mean is,

you're not thinking about anything else, are you?

Look, I'm supposed to be on holiday. The first one for God knows how long.

You can knock off a couple more songs. One could be an instrumental.

Knock off?!

I'm an artist, not a blood jukebox!

All right.

He's overtired.

[Porter] Well, he has been working hard.

Oi!

Hadn't you better jump in the sea now?

Or cut off your left ear?

Well, give expression to your wild artistic temperament.

Vent your spleen.

Here, do you remember that bit in that film?

What?

"From Here To Eternity".

When Burt Lancaster was giving old Deborah Kerr one in the sea.

You ever had it in the sea, have you?

No, but I had it in the bath.

Remember that time in Glasgow with that stripper with the tartan pants?

What a corker!

Like a rat up a drainpipe in those days, you were.

Have you ever tried muff diving in the bath in a British Railway's hotel?

- What, snorkels or bagpipes? - [Jim laughs]

Here...

you don't want to get uptight with old Porter Lee Austin.

- Not when it's going so well. - Yeah, but he's such a prick.

Yeah, I know.

But he is right in a way, ain't he?

He's like a one-armed bandit full of bananas.

Look, I tell you what, just gee him along, eh?

He'll wait for the songs.

Suppose so.

Come on, let's go back up, eh?

Otherwise people will start talking about us.

[indistinct chatter]

Right. Excuse me just a second. I'll be right back.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, Jim, it never happened, never happened!

You can buy me a drink, huh?

Hmm? Good.

[French accent] I thought you were not like the others.

You are not a marionette.

Well, everybody seems to be using me.

No. That's not true.

You know it's not true.

Well, that's it, you see, I don't know it's not true.

Look, I don't know if you'll understand this, but it's like...

It's as if you're on a roller coaster and you can't get off.

Like, my only real friends are the band.

Them and Mike. They're the only people that I can trust.

I think they are jealous of you now.

Jealous?!

What, JD and Stevie? No.

We've been through too much.

Listen, you are too much involved with yourself.

You must be blind not to see what's happening. You need them,

much more than you think.

They are your roots.

Roots? What do you know?

- I know. - You know nothing!

You've been pampered and spoiled. You wanna shut your mouth.

Mmm.

For a working-class hero you can be very bourgeois.

But still very precious to me.

Precious?

Precious.

Precious to the taxman.

Jim?

Eh, alors! Don't you ever knock before you enter a lady's bedroom?

Yeah, usually after I'm in. Where is he?

Whatcha!

[sighs] Your mum's dead.

[organ plays, choir sings]

[girls laughing]

[organ plays, choir sings]

[girls clamouring]

[girls screaming]

[girls pounding on car]

Bloody frightening, isn't it?

Jimmy.

Come on.

Danielle, this is Jeanette, my wife.

And this is Jimmy, my little boy.

You all right, love?

Yes, I'm all right.

Brian lives with us.

With me.

- Jeanette's told me a lot about you. - That's nice.

God knows why you turned up today.

Why couldn't you have stayed in America?

- Why couldn't you leave us alone? - She was my mother, you know!

[church bell tolls]

[tyres squeal]

I changed my name to keep Jimmy and me out of this madness.

Now look what you've done.

Oh, God, not again.

[girls screaming]

[girls pounding on car]

[policeman] Move back!

Come with me, Jimmy.

You're not coming to the cemetery, are you?

- Well, yes. - You can't, not now.

Look, please don't come.

I couldn't stand it.

Please, don't let him.

Well, okay. I'll arrange to pay for everything.

No, nothing.

Everything you ever sent was put in the bank for Jimmy.

I don't want anything from you.

Nothing, ever.

[Mike] Okay, mate.

[music plays: "My Generation" by The Who]

Thank you.

We didn't stay together long.

It was my fault. I couldn't stand living there.

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't understand you.

You should tell me everything.

It was just that I'd forgotten I was married.

I never told anyone, not even Mike.

Just the lawyer.

I knew it was going to come out one day, but today...

- I should never have brought you. - Oh, no.

Don't say that.

I want to go with you everywhere.

Why didn't you get a divorce?

Just never did.

It never occurred to me that Jeanette would be living with someone.

She was never that type.

And I am?

[sighs]

No, I didn't mean that.

Look, come on.

Don't worry about it anymore.

You have a lovely little boy. You should be very proud of him.

You know, I've been in this business a long time, Mike,

and I've handled a lot of artists. I've learned one thing.

That you never break up a winning formula. I mean, never.

I want to tell you something and I think you ought to listen.

You know, the real problem in this business is...

is those little guys that hang on, you understand?

I tell you, they're the troublemakers and those are the ones you gotta lose.

Well, you'd better not try and lose this little guy. Otherwise, you may end up losing the big one.

Now, wait a minute, goddamn it. I didn't mean that. I didn't want you to take it personally.

Hell, I wouldn't do a thing like that.

- What about that girl? - What about her?

Well... she sees too much and says too little, as far as I'm concerned.

She talks to Jim.

God, I knew it!

I don't like what she's telling him.

Filling his head with all those weird ideas, all that artistic bullshit.

I'm worried about Jimmy.

Doesn't seem to know what direction he's going in and...

Well, the...

The kids like all that nigger music the Stray Cats have been playing

and this new music - hell, I don't know, I guess it is music, but...

Neither fish nor fowl, as far as I'm concerned.

- Well, that's his business, isn't it? - Hmm.

Yeah, but it's our money.

[DJ] This is it, the new release from Jim MacLaine and the Stray Cats -

"C'mon On, Little Dixie".

♪ C'mon on, Little Dixie

♪ C'mon, take me away... ♪

Hey, what's that?

I can't see.

- Jim MacLaine! Whoo-whoo-whoo! - Jim!

["You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" by The Righteous Brothers plays on radio]

How do you like that one, Mr Hawkins?

Slimmer than an elephant with iron shoes on! [laughs]

[Jim laughs]

Well, I... I wouldn't mind buying a used car from Dicky.

But I, uh, I sure wouldn't want Teddy to drive me home though.

[audience laughs]

You know, I've got a brother. He's, um... He's a nice kid.

Yeah, he's draft dodger but he's a nice kid. He's a pacifist.

He was out in Vietnam when they fired the first bullet.

He was back here in LA when they fired the second.

Hey! Look who's here!

Jim MacLaine!

[cheering and applause]

Don't give him a big hand. He'll want half my salary!

Pay for his next facelift. Have you ever seen such a good... Look at that guy!

What a good-looking guy! When he looks in the mirror, the mirror has an orgasm.

[audience laughs]

Did you hear the one about the rabbi? The rabbi crosses the street.

He gets run over by a car. A Catholic priest comes up and says,

"Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

He says, "I'm dying man! You ask me a riddle!"

[audience laugh and applaud]

[Jim] What's this all about?

Stray Cats, minus one.

[comedian]..why she shot her husband with a bow and arrow.

She said she didn't want to wake up the children.

You can't leave me.

Does Mike know about this?

Fancy a drink?

I am the Stray Cats!

Yeah, well, that's it. We're tired of being your ghosts.

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be catching crabs in Oldham.

You'll disappear.

We've disappeared with you.

[comedian] Jim MacLaine flew up to San Francisco for a little peace and quiet.

Well, he found a piece, now he's just hoping she'll keep quiet!

- This is silly. Look, we can talk about this. - Piss off.

[comedian] I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas.

Nice thought, huh? Trouble is, she won't let me plug it in.

[laughter]

You know, Jim MacLaine's girl asked him if he believed in free love.

[Alex] That's right. Jim...

Piss off.

How can I sign this?

- If I sign this, it's the end. - There you are.

Typical, beautiful LA day. You can see almost two blocks.

Great. What are we gonna do about this?

- Well, Jim, the boys wanted out. - [intercom beeps]

Would you get that, Felix? We agreed that they set up by themselves.

- I've been listening to that boy Kevin. - You can't let them do that!

Got a helluva good voice. I've been listening.

Jim, look, there's no way in the world I could stop 'em.

But I don't want you to worry about it, cos under the new agreement

I'll be managing them too.

So you manage everybody?

That's right, little lady, I manage everybody.

But it's really of no concern to you, cos we're talking business.

Now, why don't you lay out, huh?

Jim, what I'm trying to say is,

under our new agreement I'll be managing them as a separate act.

- You understand? - You'll what?

You are all signed individually. You remember that?

I remember that. So where does that leave me?

Jim.

- We must see a lawyer. - Jim, you'll be bigger than ever now.

You're still the name.

That's right. Felix is absolutely right.

It'd be a big saving for you in the long run, too.

I don't understand. A saving?

- Felix. - The Stray Cats made a lot of money.

But your fifth is still only a fifth.

Now, publishing helped, but you had to split that 50-50 with Stevie.

- Yeah. - You made a lot of money but you also

spent a lot of money.

- I'm not broke, am I? - Oh, hell, no.

But you're not a millionaire yet either, Jim.

You seem to be managing okay.

- [Felix] That's not the point. - Managers do.

Yeah, Jim, now you be a good old boy and get your ass out of neutral.

Go on this solo tour and I don't want to hear any of that marijuana-smoking music either.

[Porter] I want to hear good, gutsy rock 'n' roll, you understand?

In three months' time, you'll be asking yourself why the hell you stayed so long with the Stray Cats.

Now, I want you to sign right there and right there. This is first.

Where were you?

- You did this, didn't you? - Yeah.

Well, why, for Christ's sake? They were my friends!

They weren't your friends.

They were just a crutch for you to use sometimes when you felt like it.

Oh.

So you let Porter Lee do your dirty work for you?

Well, he's the manager.

He's the chief hatchet man. He's the guv'nor these days.

What do you mean? It's you, it's always been you.

Ever since that time in the van two million years ago,

when you said, "If it's me, it's got to be me."

Look, Jim, this is just the start.

In three months' time, you won't even remember the Stray Cats.

In three months' time, will you still be saying Porter Lee's lines?

It's not the money.

I'm not interested in the money.

I'll give you half of everything I get.

Everything.

Thank you, but I don't want it. It's not the money.

It's not the money.

No?

Then tell me what it is?

- [Jim] I can't stand it! - [Felix] What's the matter with you?

- Listen, there's a doctor here to see you. - I don't want a doctor! Get me the sound crew!

They're on their way up.

- Look, we think you should see a doctor, all right? - Are you doing sound-checks?

- Did you do one tonight? - Right, yeah.

Well, listen, what's happening with the foldback? I've told you three times, I can't hear it, man.

- We've got a problem with the amplifier... - I'm not interested! Either get it right or get out!

- Okay, we're on it, fixing it right now. - You make sure you do.

[music plays]

♪ Stray Cat blues

♪ Bright shiny lights have tempted you

[girls screaming]

♪ Oh, bubble-gum queues

♪ Those bubble-gum thighs are teasing too

♪ You're just an English rock 'n' roll man

[feedback squeals]

♪ Better watch out you get screwed

♪ USA!

♪ Culture shock like a different blast

♪ Everything I conquered

- ♪ Last year's count, I got no class! - [feedback squeals]

- [feedback squeals] - Hey, what's happening?

♪ Looking outside from the inside

♪ Tomorrow's dance shootin' past

Yeah!

Happy now?

Eh?

Is he not beautiful?

What do you mean? What are you talking about?

You know what I mean.

You can tell me. Come on.

Don't be so stupid.

Uh, Stan...

- Take a bit top off the bass, will you? - Oh, come on.

Look, if you knew him like I knew him.

You make sure nobody ever does, don't you?

Yeah.

♪ So keep dancing to delights

♪ I've got those honky-tonk guitar

♪ Americana Stray Cat blues... ♪

[Danielle] All we want is somewhere peaceful to live,

where Jim can concentrate and work.

[Mike] He works the best when he's under pressure.

You just think of all those songs that came out of that old van

when we were gigging up and down the motorways.

- They were fabulous. - You'll destroy yourself, Jim.

- You are working too hard. - He loves it.

[Mike] Listen, when we get to New York, you'll have the biggest giggle of your life.

[Danielle] I hate New York.

I'm sick and tired of being photographed.

I don't think that's going to be a problem, love, is it?

After all, it is him they want to photograph.

[classical instruments play]

[engineer] Right, hold it there, boys, hold it.

Now, Simon, we're going to have to adjust the balance on this.

- Can you go down on the left-hand mic there? - Fine, fine!

Am I right in believing that the theme of the album is the deification of woman?

Oh, yes, you could say something like that.

- Sort of women's lib thing? - Oh, no, not at all.

It is to the glory of woman.

How can I explain?

♪ Forsaken by my despair!

♪ You are my love

♪ How can I live?

♪ Without... ♪

Look, what's happening? I can't hear a thing in the cans!

- Can you turn it up, please? - I'm sorry, Jim. We'll get it right, hang on.

Come on! Where's the track?

Hany on a sec, Jim, hang on.

We're having a little trouble with the balance. Okay, one little problem.

[tape rewinds]

[classical music plays]

Tell Jim I'll be back when he finishes. I'm just going to the hotel.

[track plays, Jim sings] ♪ Woman!

You wanna get yourselves a bleedin' kettle in here.

♪ Free! ♪

- Great! That's it, Jim. Great. - Yeah, that felt really good.

Fantastic! What do you think, Danielle?

- All right, I'll talk to him. - Danielle?

She's not here, Jim.

Gone back to the hotel.

That's fucking great!

All right. Well, we'll have a party by ourselves then, shall we?

All right then.

Hang about, lads.

Don't go away.

Here, girls! Girls, come here. Do you wanna go to a party?

["White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane plays]

[girl giggles]

[girls giggling]

[giggling continues]

[music plays loudly]

Jim!

Jim! Jim! [girl screams]

[girl moans]

[girl moaning on speakers] Oh, Jim!

[girl moaning and giggling]

[bottle shatters]

[music plays loudly]

[girl giggles]

Christ!

See, what we do is this.

We get the cinemas and the TV companies all over the world

to put up a big enough advance to cover the cost of the album and the show.

Well, I mean, that way, we can't lose. I mean...

If they can pick up money putting on boxing shows,

just think what we can pick up putting Jim MacLaine on satellite.

For every one boxing fan there must be at least 5,000 pop fans.

I mean, to coincide with the concert,

what we can do is to put the album out worldwide.

Well, just think of all that promotion, Porter Lee.

It's all or nothing this one, Porter...

What kind of concert, Mike?

Don't worry about the concert, eh? Just leave that to me.

I tell you one thing, it'll be like something you've never seen before.

That's a pretty good idea, Mike.

Maybe I can do something.

He'll be bigger than Adolf Hitler after this lot!

Here they come, Abbott and Costello.

[character talks on TV] Could you by any chance give me a ride?

What is all this crap about you being the minstrel of a generation?

Typical understatement.

You should donate your brain to medical science.

Now.

It's like a bleedin' cemetery in here.

300 million fans can't be wrong.

Really?

[phone rings]

Hello.

- They might be though. - Sorry, love, we're not doing any interviews.

All right, bye.

Operator.

Hello.

Well, if you answered, I wouldn't flash, would I?

Now look, don't keep putting phone calls through. I've asked you so many...

Well, no more, please. Thank you.

Here, are you all right?

Yes.

[Porter] Jim? Jim?

Look who I've got. Colin Day, get your ass in here.

Look, how about this for a surprise, huh?

We just couldn't stay away. Good luck with the show.

Hey, Jim!

[everybody talking]

You tell him.

Jim, you're not going to believe this, but the latest predicted global viewing figure for tonight

- is 300 million. - [Porter] Yeah, 300 million!

Provided reception in Australia, New Zealand and the Far East is good.

We've had a bit of a problem with the ground station

and we might have to go via the Pacific and the Indian Ocean satellite.

[Porter] Go over there and get some of that champagne. That's what it's there for!

The latest projected advances on the record in the States is $3 million.

- Where's Jim? Where's he at? - He's gone into the bathroom.

Huh? Jim?

- He's all right. - Yeah, he's all right.

It's getting too bloody fucking crowded in here.

Yeah, crowds. Come on! Let's have a little fun there. Come on, folks!

All right?

All right? Jim?

I'll roll you one up.

[chatter and laughter from next room]

That's it, Mike.

I've had it.

Don't be silly.

After tonight, I'm out.

I'm pissed off with being locked up in hotel rooms,

waiting for room service.

[laughs]

You're like the wardens.

It's all right for them.

At least they don't have to play at being the clown.

See, I'm on stage for a whole hour tonight and...

I have to play at being Judy Garland for an hour.

I jump when they said jump.

I spend enough time being locked up in fucking planes and bathrooms,

hiding from people that I made rich.

Here you are, try that.

[Jim] It's weird.

Look, I just wanted to write an opera.

About women.

Something dedicated to my mother.

But then the media's got hold of it and turned it into a bloody electronic nightmare.

They can only push you so far. 300 million viewers, Christ!

As soon as this is over,

we'll get out, Mike, eh?

Just disappear.

We'll go away and live like kings.

Somewhere where there's no Porter Lee, no TV, no press.

No professional layabouts.

- [director] Everybody happy? - [floor manager] Quiet in the studio!

[woman] Two, one, on air!

[music: "Dea Sancta" by Jim MacLaine]

♪ Woman, goddess divine

♪ Blessed bodies of life

- Four on two next. - Keep coming back with me, keep coming back.

30 seconds. Five on three next.

♪ In your womb

♪ Cloistered like a welcome tomb

- 16 on four next. - Pull back.

- Coming to you now, one. - Lovely! Great, great!

♪ In that sacred womb

[choir sings]

23 on one next. Go on two.

[choir sings]

♪ Sacrifice

♪ For mine and his sake

♪ Forsaken by my despair

♪ Here in my life

♪ How can I live

♪ Without my life?

- Nice, very good. - One minute left. 31 on one next.

Zooming one.

- 32 on two next. - Wider.

33 on one next.

♪ God lets your love

♪ Your heart, my soul

♪ My dreams set free

[choir sings]

Two minutes 30.

39 on one.

- 40 on three next. - Zoom in, that's right.

- 41 on one next. - Nice and gentle.

[Jim and choir sing] ♪ Life full of regrets no more

♪ Be my handsome store ♪

- Beautiful, Ricky, beautiful! - Three minutes.

♪ Shelter me from pain

♪ Heal the scars from burning rain

♪ Sancta

♪ Comfort my torment

♪ And pray

♪ Woman!

♪ Mother!

♪ Lover!

♪ Friend! ♪

[music stops]

["All Along The Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix plays]

Carry round the bend.

Cor, look at that! Look at that castle!

It's unbelievable!

- [Jim] Quick! - [Mike] Big. B-I-G.

Who owns the castle?

No entiendo.

Hard work this is.

Well, offer him some beads.

Señor! Señor!

Cracked it, ain't I?

No, no, no. No, I don't want a postcard. I want to buy the bleedin' place.

[Jim] What a fantastic place!

[goats bleating]

[he yodels]

It's great, Mike. I must have it.

It's wonderful. A couple of million pesetas should set us right as rain.

If you're going to go potty, you may as well potty in style.

- [goat bleats] - Baaa!

- We're in! - [chicken squawks]

Ah, look at all the space.

Poo, dear! Smells a bit like your old caravan.

And we haven't even started yet.

Bathroom en suite.

- [goat bleats] - Oi!

Here, I think I've pulled here.

[choir singing]

[turns music down]

[dog barks]

[indistinct conversation outside]

[dog barks]

[hammering]

Oi! Watch it!

[speaks broken Spanish] Mori mala. Si.

He's loco. Nutcases.

Oi!

This is Rover. I found her.

Say hello, Rover.

She's mine.

That's nice.

Two strays.

Hope you'll be very happy together.

Here, you're wet, ain't cha?

But I'm getting drier.

Come on then.

Here, Paco!

Quantas finito a que?

[Mike hums a tune]

[whistles]

- Buenos dias, padre! - Buenos dias, Michael!

[he hums a tune]

Hang on, girl. Straight as a die.

[Rover barks]

[Mike] Rover!

Watch it, Rover, otherwise we'll show you the yellow card!

I will not stand for that sort of behaviour on this build!

Rover, it's an early bath for you, off!

["With A Little Help From My Friends" performed by Joe Cocker plays]

[Jim] Cor, fantastic!

[he laughs]

Look at JD!

[no sound on film, projector hums]

Get off!

- [Rover growls] - That should be in a kennel outside!

Well, not in her condition she can't. Hey, Rover.

- What are you talking about, condition? - What you doing?

She's with child.

- Come on here, come here, girl. - Congratulations.

Your first?

Well, I think so.

All my other mistakes got flushed away, like yours.

Well, come on, Rover. You're eating for nine now.

- [projector stops] - [Mike] Sit, up, up.

[Mike clicks his fingers] Sit! Good girl.

Right now, sit! Sit!

Right, let's get a bit of meat.

Sit, sit. No, no. Sit.

Don't do that, Mike. Look, what are you doing?

[Rover growls]

That'll be great. That'll be great when we've got a castle full of puppies pissing everywhere.

Terrific! I love that.

What's happening tonight?

Well, you're the king of the castle.

Mike, please, get that dog off the chair.

What about a party then, eh?

What and bring out all those clapped-out whores from the village? Terrific.

All right, tell you what we'll do.

We'll have the old 15-rounder, eh?

Frazier versus Ali. I'll be Ali.

I'll cripple you.

All right.

Outside, six o'clock.

Come on.

Come here. Come on, Rover.

I'll bring the gear.

Come on, girl, come on.

- [bell rings] - [he speaks Spanish]

[audience cheering]

[Jim] I'm so full of fun, you're drop in one!

[Mike] Come on then!

[Mike] It ain't no fun, you're gonna drop in one!

Eh, you're a bum, I'm gonna make you run.

[Rover whimpers]

Una.

Dos.

Tres.

- Right. - Cuatro.

Cinco.

Genius must be seen to beat eccentric then.

[audience clamouring]

[he speaks Spanish]

[Rover whimpers]

[Rover barks]

No, no. What are you talking about?

[bell rings]

Campeón del mundo por KO Muhammad Ali!

[cheering and applause]

I told you you'd be mesmerised by the old Ali shuffle, didn't I?

Piss off!

Come on!

[all clamouring]

Rover!

Come on!

Where is she?

[Rover barks, men clamouring]

[Rover barks in the distance]

[Rover howls]

[Mike] Come here, girl, come on! What's the matter?

- [Rover whimpers] - Stop making that noise!

Come here, come here.

Oi!

[Rover barking]

Get down!

[Rover howls]

Is she all right?

She's not pregnant any more.

[Rover whimpers quietly]

Look, Mike, I'm really sorry.

Honest.

I had no idea.

Just a little tab of acid.

It doesn't matter.

Just a bad trip really, eh?

Just forget it.

Gently.

Gently.

It makes us even.

Danielle. You didn't have to do it.

You and I deserve each other.

[Rover whimpers quietly]

I'm not saying it's necessary to go back into the business full-time.

Hell, not even an album, Jim. But you've got your fans to think about.

You know, you've got to throw them a bone every now and then.

How are the Stray Cats doing without me?

Well, the Stray Cats... Here, give me that up here.

Uh, Johnny went back to the group, you know that.

- They really need me now. - The whole world needs you, Jim

He won't come back. You may as well forget it.

- You're so sure of that, are you? - He's past it.

- The old creative juices have dried up. - That's ridiculous.

- You know that as well as I do, Mike. - Look...

We've been here two years. He hasn't played a note.

He hasn't done anything in two years.

Lucky you fleeced him when you did.

Every great artist goes through a bad patch one time or another. Hell, look at Bobby Dylan.

After his accident, he didn't work for two years.

Hell, maybe more! And there's Mahler.

- And Orson Welles. - He's scared stiff.

You haven't said one goddamn positive thing all night. Why don't you go take a walk, boy?

Now, Jim...

There's still a lot of interest in you.

But I don't know how long we can keep it up.

I mean, the whole world is fascinated by a recluse, but that fascination can be a short-lived thing.

Look, my friend, before long your taxes will be higher than your royalties.

- That means one thing, that we're going to... - I don't want to get into that tonight.

Jim, what would you say to a television interview, huh?

I mean, those TV people would give anything to come down here and talk to you.

- Just talk, that's all. - No.

Before you say no, I want you to think about it.

In another year, you're going to be forgotten, Jim. Really.

I mean, there are young kids coming along now.

I'm saying they're anywhere near as talented as you are.

But your fans are getting older too, Jim, and if you want to stay alive in this business,

you gotta expose yourself every once in a while. Really.

Now, am I getting through to you now?

Jim?

Maybe you'd better show him that tax structure.

Your UK taxes and your US taxes are in a mess, pal.

All right, tell me the story. Give me a clue. Tell me what's going on.

There's no way he won't do it.

He's like a girl. He wants talking into it.

Well then, what the hell was all that about? We've been talking till dawn, for God's sake!

He didn't get where he was because he was more talented than anybody else.

There's a lot of crap talked about rock 'n' roll.

He just wanted to be more famous than anybody else, that's all.

He still does.

I want you to help me pull this off, Mike. I'll make it worth your while.

You're a funny man.

Well, if for nothing else, do it for me.

[helicopter blades whirring]

[music from "Dea Sancta" plays]

- Oh, am I glad to be down here! - Nice to see you again.

- It's freezing. Hey! - Bit windy up there, wasn't it?

Nice piece of real estate you got there. Fantastic!

Hey! How are you?

[music plays]

[indistinct conversations]

[he speaks Spanish]

Excuse me, gentlemen, it would be very helpful from our point of view

if we could have Jim down here for a quick rehearsal and then make-up. Say, 30 minutes

- before transmission. - [Porter] Mike!

Mike!

Yeah?

Uh, could you get Jim down here?

Yeah, later. He's sleeping now.

He's sleeping? Well, would you tell his lordship we could really use his presence?

Please? Huh?

He'll be right there. Don't worry about a thing. I've found him, Felix.

Oh, and there's a couple of questions I wanted you to...

Jim?

Jim?

Oh, for Christ's sake! Come on, you've only got a few minutes.

- Get your suit on. - I can't do it, Mike.

I can't face it. Please, tell them to go away.

Jim, I am not telling them to go anywhere.

Now, come on, get your arse off there and get that suit on!

I can't.

Look, don't try and make me look a bloody idiot in front of all these people!

- Now, come on! - No! I can't do it.

Look, Jim...

When we humped those dodgems at the fairground together...

you did it all day long, didn't you? Cos it was your job.

And when you were in the group, even when you were dead on your feet with tiredness,

you still played, cos it was your job.

And now you're a fucking star, mate. You've got to do it.

You've got to do this show. It's your job.

Look, don't say you can't.

If you can't do this, you can't do anything. It's only a performance.

You like performing, don't you?

Jim.

Do it for me, eh?

Do it for me.

You know your trouble, Jim?

You've been dropping too much dope lately.

Mike.

We had a lot of fun in the van, didn't we? You know, gigging around.

Not really.

Three years he toured Britain and America.

He's done this in every country in the world.

- I don't care about every country. This country. - Even in Arabic.

Hey, I'll go and get him myself. What more can I do for you, huh?

Hey! Now, where the hell is he?

That producer's going out of his mind and I can't blame him.

- Now, where is he? I don't see him here. - He's on his way.

He's on his way right now. You don't have a thing to worry about.

Now, look, I don't want to make anybody nervous. We're gonna be off the set.

- Okay, everybody, on your toes, por favor. - We'll be up here. Come on, come on.

Standing by, ready to go. Muchas gracias.

[Porter] Oh, Jesus Christ!

Yeah, come on, boys. Now, I don't want any more photographs.

You're gonna get plenty of opportunity after the show.

[man outside] How's reception in Asia?

[indistinct chattering outside]

Hey, get this. Up there, that's it. On the balcony. You got that?

Well, there's your boy. You think he'll be all right?

Bloody close.

- He's a real professional. - Course he is.

Hello, Jim.

Ed Burns.

- I remember you from New York. - Well, it's nice of you to remember.

I forgot to forget.

I appreciate you letting us come here to your castle in Spain.

- It must be fantastic living here. - Okay, let's go.

And also for giving us permission to do this very, very special show on you.

What I'd like to do is show some films.

So why don't you just sit down there and relax, and we'll have a chat.

Perhaps more than any other, the name of Jim MacLaine

has been associated with the spirit of international youth.

In the last ten years, his career has taken him from fairground attendant to rock star.

[man speaks in Spanish]

- Okay, amigos, we've got a show. - Okay!

[interviewer] For three years, he toured Britain and America

as the lead singer in the Stray Cats rock group.

Then almost two years ago,

he performed before the largest audience in history

when he presented his epic rock symphony "Dea Sancta Et Gloria",

before a worldwide television audience.

Since then, MacLaine has lived as a virtual recluse here in his castle in Spain.

..Seeing no one and being seen by no one.

That is until today, when we managed to persuade him to appear live before our cameras.

- [he speaks Spanish] - Good, good.

Jim, in the last few you've been compared with some kind of a messiah.

And your most famous work "Deas Sancta" seems to some to

be calling for the deification of women.

- [engineer speaks Spanish] - How much does God mean to you?

Somewhere between two and three million dollars.

Oh, Christ!

After tax.

Then there's royalties from the records and the repeats from the television.

Then, of course, the quarterly PRS cheque.

Which adds a few bob.

Is he crazy?

- He's a nutcase! - [speaks Spanish]

Why did you ever decide to become a recluse?

Re... cluse?

Come on, Ed, bear down, bear down. Keep after him.

- He's taking so long to answer. - Yeah.

- I'm not. It's Mike. - Mike.

Oh, yeah, that's the fellow that lives with you here in the castle.

Hmm.

What's Mike's job? What does he do?

It's hard to say.

Well, say something. Come on, kid, let's go!

Chief balloon buster.

Chief b... in the castle?

He's a nut!

Tell me, Jim, uh...

Anyway, there's him and the whores.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God!

I shouldn't really say that.

Not in a good Catholic country like this.

That son of a bitch is blowing the whole thing!

There's plenty of them!

They keep us warm.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother interviewing prize bastards like this.

I appreciate your honesty.

How do you feel about the fact that your wife and son may possibly be watching this show?

Manalo, go in close.

Get those eyes! What the hell's the matter with him?

I have a lovely little boy.

I should be very proud of him.

What about the future? Planning any more records or concerts in the United States?

That son of a b...

Jim?

[engineer speaks Spanish]

What's the matter with him? Go VTR!

What the hell's the matter with him, anyhow?

- What's wrong with him? - What the hell's the matter with him?

[speaks Spanish]

You could say I've got no long-term plans.

- Now you told me everything was going to be... - Oh, shut up!

[shouting upstairs]

What are your favourite recollections...

- of being a super-star? - None of it's been worthwhile.

Si, emergency.

I don't care.

I've had a good time.

♪ There have been good times ♪

- Jim, what's going on? - It's okay, we've gone to VTR. One of his old shows.

♪ Good times ♪

Son of a bitch! You were the guys who were supposed to take care of him!

- What's the matter with him? Jim? - ♪ Good times ♪

- What the hell has happened? - Help! Help me, please.

He's OD'd! He's OD'd.

- Oh, for Christ's sake! - Overdose!

Paco, Paco, cut VTR! Go live!

[he speaks Spanish]

- Move, move! Quickly! - Get out of the way!

Move, please! Get out of the way! Please, move!

[siren wails, helicopter blades whirr]

You selfish bastard!

I made you.

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

Every step of the way, I was the one holding your hand, making sure you got the breaks.

Always bribing and blackmailing for you. Pulling whores and dope and God knows what shit.

[horn honking]

You were humiliated. Well, what about me, eh?

For every one you took, I took a million from those bastards that hang on!

What's the matter?

[horn honking]

Que pasa?

Eh?

Él muerto, él muerto.

Jim?

Jim, you can't fucking die!

Jim, I own half of you!

Don't...

[horn honking]

[all shouting, horn honking]

[Felix] Please, no pictures! Stay back, please!

Please, stay back!

- [all clamouring] - No pictures! No pictures!

[Felix] Make way! Make way!

Stay back! Stay back!

[all shouting]

Get 'em out of here! It's a good story, innit?

[man speaking Spanish]

[door slams shut]

[girls chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim! We want Jim!

We want Jim! We want Jim!

[girls screaming and chanting] We want Jim! We want Jim!

We want Jim! We want Jim!

♪ Look what they've done to the rock 'n' roll clown

♪ Oh!

♪ Ah, rock 'n' roll clown, look he's dead on the ground

♪ Oh!

♪ Well, he used to high fly

♪ But he crashed out the sky

♪ In a stardust fling

♪ Hey, rock 'n roll king is down

♪ Roll on up, won't you come and take a look at me

♪ Oh!

♪ Come on, stand in line, just one at a time and see me

♪ See my painted-on grin

♪ As I stand up to sing

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ But he's the leader of the band

♪ Yes, a lonely man

♪ Don't you, do you wanna take his hand?

♪ Yes, you know you can

♪ Well, I used to high fly

♪ But I crashed out the sky

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down

♪ In a stardust fling Hey, rock 'n' roll king is down... ♪