Original subtitles

I have a few more ques...

I can't make it stop!

I used to make things without it all being so complicated.

I was 22.

Hold!

I'm gonna come in and get wide.

- You ready for wide, ma? - Mhmm.

Gazing upon my mom.

Go down to Barbara's feet.

One of them.

Go!

A parallax fantasy.

My mom performs her period piece.

The mime-ic embodiment of the ovaries.

Fallopian tubes.

Uterus.

Cervix.

Ovulation.

The creation of the egg.

Its release.

Its journey.

Its weight.

Menstruation.

Stay right where you are.

And I never showed this film to anyone.

I'm sorry, are you cold?

No, I'm just like...

I'll warm up for a second!

It's, it's, it's...

I promise it looks good.

You can't even really see your feet.

Okay, are you ready?

Many years after this, I received an email.

It was from a new website.

They wanted content based on a theme.

Female trouble.

They wanted to know if I wanted to pitch an idea.

I wrote back, "is this a John waters thing?"

They wrote back, "no."

She created this mime-ic...

Still I had heard that the website had a lot of money.

And I thought of my mom's period piece.

At the meeting, I was nervous.

Sweating, undulating.

Just like my mom.

The one who's a mime.

My mom is a mime.

I pitched the full performance,

this time complete with comedic sound effects.

Everybody was laughing and I was sweating,

and they even floated the idea of someday

making a feature film together.

are you married to this idea?

Or are you open to, I don't know,

maybe something more narrative?

At the end of it all,

we shook hands and they promised to be in touch.

I went home, I waited.

I felt dirty for dragging my moms into that building.

A week later I received an email.

The website liked me,

but they thought that my idea was too

Ass-oteric.

I didn't know what ass-oteric meant,

so I asked my new boyfriend.

He said it was pronounced with an "ES",

not an "ASS", and told me to look it up.

Esoteric.

Adjective from es ter ,

meaning inner.

Intended for or likely to be understood by

only a small number of people.

Esoteric.

Esoteric.

Esoteric.

I didn't know what was so

esoteric about my mom's period piece.

The website wanted to know if I wanted

to direct a different video.

One in which little girls talked about

what they dreamed of being when they grew up.

But instead of little girl dreams,

it was little boy dreams.

You know, lawyer,

fireman,

football player,

filmmaker.

I wished I was the kind of person

who wanted to direct that video.

I wished because...

Movies about the pain of being female

were awash with money.

But instead I wrote...

Dear so and so,

I think that probably

the most "female" thing for me to do

would be to "realize" your "vision"

and "direct" this video.

That being said, as a person,

I don't think the idea is a good one.

And I hate not having a choice.

A better video would be of a female filmmaker

pitching an idea to a website,

and the website calling the idea ass-oteric.

And then telling the female filmmaker what to do.

And then I signed it.

And maybe the most female trouble part of it all was

that I walked into that meeting

having already made a feature film.

But I didn't have the words to say it.

I don't feel female.

Until somebody tells me I am.

Dude, you got this.

Just like say action with authority.

Right, left.

- And you say... - Action.

Action.

- Action. Action. - Action.

- Action! - Just yell it!

- Action. Action. - Action. Action.

Action!

- Action! - Action!

Action!

Okay, it starts here.

12 years ago.

The day I drove past the lake.

The lake whose shore was home

to one of the us of a's first moving picture studios,

specializing in damsel and distress films

the lake so deep

that after the studio's flammable nitrate films

were thrown into it,

they were never recovered.

I drove past the lake and into my hometown.

A hometown with that Hill filled with failed communes.

The same communes that my moms

and dad fled to.

In my hometown as a young woman,

I felt the vicious cycle of birth.

Giving birth and death.

Nevertheless I returned home to make this film,

my first feature film with my family and my friends.

I was 25.

so good.

Hey vita! How do I look?

Is that them?

Yeah, you haven't met them?

No.

Holy shit, you're so shy.

Hey guys, come on.

- Circle up! - Circle up!

I have a couple of announcements

before we get started.

So the first announcement is

I trust you all so inherently and implicitly,

and chemically and emotionally

and spiritually, conceptually,

no matter what,

and I really hope you can trust me too.

We are all the authors of this film.

And the second announcement, thank you,

Is that there's this old guy

who lives down the road from my moms'.

He will offer you weed.

It is goblin weed.

Do not smoke it. Do not smoke it.

I'm telling you...

- I have to smoke goblin weed! - Do not smoke weed.

- If a goblin offers me weed... - Powerful little shit!

The crew consisted of Sam, the assistant director.

- Not the producer? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alexis, the cinematographer.

But we're more like sisters.

Bobby.

Hi! Pleasure.

Alexis's assistant.

She had given him head once.

JJ, the designer.

I had given him head twice.

And... Dustin.

- Hey baby, you're back! - It's good to be back!

- Hi baby. - Hey. Hey.

- How you doing? - I'm good.

I had this like really intense dream

that you were like with someone else,

and I like woke up with

this like weird taste in my mouth.

- Sorry. - No, it's fine.

- It's all just a dream. - Yeah.

Hey, I got a

It's like a little

heart-shaped rock

for luck or something.

- So nice. Thank you. - Yeah.

Okay, I gotta get back to work.

Okay guys, let's go! Let's go!

Let's do it. Let's make a movie.

Yeah!

Uh, what about him?

Oh great, sound guy.

Wait, tell me your name again.

I'm so fucking bad at remembering names.

Oh shit, Sam, Sam, Sam.

That's the guy. Can you talk to him?

- Um, Vita? - Yeah?

You gonna introduce me?

Oh, right! Okay guys, guys, wait.

This is Dina.

This is Dina.

Go ahead, introduce yourself.

Okay...

Hi, I'm Dina. I've never been in a film before.

I play the main character.

I don't think she has a name yet.

But I've watched tons of movies.

All right, let's get into it.

- Yeah! - Okay!

Oh, uh, phones! So...

It was the middle of what could be described

as a revolutionary decade in moving images.

The aftermath of a world financial collapse

coupled with the rise of the first affordable

and professional digital moving image cameras

created an era of micro budget film making.

I had four thousand five hundred

and twenty-five dollars.

Action.

Action.

So we did what we had to do.

Squeeze in!

We begged,

we borrowed,

we stole.

And before we get too far, I should tell you,

It was bad.

And I was on a lot of Adderall,

which is probably why

I can't remember the sound guy's name.

Vita, he's almost here!

Oh, oh, okay!

- Yeah, okay. - Okay.

How we doing? We good?

Okay, great! Great, great, great, great.

Forty five seconds!

Oh shit! Oh, all right. Here we go.

Here we go! We're ready! We're ready.

Okay. Okay.

All right, guys!

Alright, JJ, get the fuck out! Come on!

Guys! We gotta go, we gotta go!

Buddy, get out...

We gotta go! Let's go! Let's...

JJ! Come on, come on!

We gotta go! Okay...

- And... - Hold on, hold on!

And action!

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

I remember I paid airplane Andy 50 bucks.

He built a plane in his garage

and taught himself to fly.

He was willing to do as many takes as I wanted

to make it feel real.

Cut!

- Whoa! Shit! - Take it.

Yeah, I mean that... You can... um...!

You okay?

You okay?

- Amazing! - Vita!

- Okay... - Vita, um...

We were rolling, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, okay.

He wants to do it again even closer,

and then pull out at the very end...

But I'm sure I cut him off after three

'Cause he kept flying closer...

You want to do another?

And closer

and closer.

Hey, uh...

Fuck me, man. Come as close as you want.

It was a primal experience.

Did you cum?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Where?

What do you mean?

Shit.

- Sorry. Sorry. - Oh fuck.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

Fuck.

Alright, don't be upset.

- Oh no... - Hey. Hey...

I love you.

I love you too.

God damn it.

I'd read this list online.

Most important things for a director to be.

And the number one thing was healthy.

And dad, maybe it's the sound of

the zoom that makes her turn her head or...

Alright, you all ready...

No, it's not just the light.

Okay, so some questions.

One, are the eventual worms alive or plastic?

Two, Alexis says neither are red enough,

but we need more light, so.

And three, we need to talk about

the prosthetic belly.

Vita, what do you think?

Live, live worms.

Use whatever fucking lights you want.

Can get me the morning after pill?

What?

The morning after pill.

Don't be dramatic.

I'm serious.

I'm honored.

He came in me.

He said something like primal took over.

Oh my god.

Vita! Hey, uh, yo.

Never...

Thanks.

Yep.

By the way, I don't like that.

Are you guys making a movie?

I can tell them to stop.

- Now? - No.

- Later. - Okay, bye.

Whoa, there it is.

Happy day.

Yeah.

Your bike, I just found it.

I don't know who that...

How you doing?

Good.

Hey, ah, why don't you like...?

- Um... - Yeah.

Vita, I want to shoot the scene

so that it feels like we're in her head

and looking at her.

And where do you want me to put the hard drives?

Uh, vita?

- How are you? - Okay.

No, we already talked about...

Is that... Two shots or one shot?

cash?

A lot of people showed up to help me make my film.

- Hey darlin'. - Hey!

But cash was the only guy in a 22.6 mile radius

that could have been a movie star.

And yes, everyone was in love with him.

Good, how are you?

Would you like to say something?

- Um... - Yep, right there.

Thanks.

- Wow. - Alright.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

Hey. Uhh...

Wow, this is amazing.

I know I haven't really been around much

in the last few years,

so it's really nice to see all your familiar faces.

I wish I could pay you.

But like maybe you could, maybe.

Well, you know, there's a lot of beer

and you can have as much of it as you want,

so that's something.

And this is my producer, Sam.

He will take great care of you.

He will look after everything you need.

All right.

Take it from there. So yeah!

Like she said, just fun, pretty simple stuff.

We're going to have you all sort of scatter.

I cast Dina as the main character in the film

because she seemed like the perfect muse.

We had the same friends and boyfriends.

Both of our dads were larger than life.

She was me, but beautiful.

And like any great director, it was my job

to wait patiently and let the muse take over.

You know, I broke up with Billy.

- Holy shit. - Mhm.

Finally.

I know.

- That guy's a loser. - I know.

Good for you.

Make sure your hands,

they're always touching something.

Your character's trying to...

Ground herself in this world

that she just feels completely alien in.

She's trying to determine her boundaries,

the rules, just, you know,

and in the end it's just going to be her in the trees.

Girl enters and crosses the frame at a diagonal.

She disappears behind a sand dune in

the foreground, the edge of the frame.

Camera at this point actually stops operating.

The girl walks away a considerable distance

and takes her place

behind another sand dune, further away.

The camera then resumes its shooting

and immediately begins to turn

in a panoramic movement toward the direction

of which the girl's left the frame.

Blah blah blah blah blah.

Moves out of the frame...

Okay, um, instead,

she emerges much more distant.

And so the alienation of the girl

from the camera exceeds the actual time

which proceeds what would have

presumably been necessary.

What is that from?

Maya Deren.

You emailed it to me.

This is the best part.

She goes on to say about film making,

"And so, ready or not,

willing or not,

you must come to comprehend with full responsibility

the world of which we now created."

Cool. Well, you didn't send me any lines

or anything, so I memorized that.

Because I'm an actor now.

Everybody who will be in the bar,

let's get to places. Alright.

Watch your step. Yep.

Alright, nice and warm. Come on.

Hey, I'm not paying you to hang out.

Get the fuck in there.

Lovely, okay. Looks cute.

- Roll sound. - Speeding.

- Roll camera. - Rolling.

301 apple, take one.

Set.

Action!

Action!

so the film was about a young woman.

She lives in a small town.

She's taking care of her ailing father.

She has a boyfriend.

And a secret lover.

She gets pregnant and decides to leave home

in search of her mother

who abandoned her at birth.

This is a true story.

This is a true story, except...

And you already know this.

I have two moms.

One of them is a mime.

I was never abandoned.

I did get pregnant, though.

A year and a half before we shot the film.

I found out on my 23rd birthday.

My birthday is November 23rd, so...

Vita.

It was a once in a lifetime year.

Hey.

Go! Everybody laugh!

Really animated!

Give me party!

On November 24th, I sat at the clinic

and cried and cried.

I asked the nurse,

"Why am I the only person

that I know who this has happened to?"

And the nurse looked away from me

and back at me again

and said,

"This happens to a lot of people."

"It's just that nobody talks about it."

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ That red river valley ♪

♪ And the... ♪

Okay, can we cut for a second?

Let's hold the roll.

Dina, you have to see him by now.

See who?

Can you guys be quiet for just a second?

See him, your secret lover.

Hey, Gideon, will you wave?

He's an actor. He drove up from the city.

Oh shit.

Hey, sorry.

I didn't know you were in the scene.

I'm Dina.

Hey. Gideon. I'm moving to la.

Cool.

Okay, wait. We're gonna go from the...

♪ Come and sit by my side ♪

♪ If you love me ♪

♪ Do not hasten to bid me adieu ♪

♪ Just remember That red river valley ♪

- Fuck! - No!

Fuck!

Hi. Hi.

What are you guys doing?

Can you come here for a second?

Why?

I miss you. Come here.

Why are you wet?

Why are you wet?

We got all wet together.

Why are you wet?

Hi. How are you?

How is the film going?

It's going... it was going well before you got here.

What are you wearing?

I like your funny vest.

It's my cameo.

It's the most important shot of the scene.

Can I take a picture of you?

Baby...

Ow.

Sorry...

Your lens cap is on.

You have to go back to the bar.

Still rolling, vita.

What's happening?

Okay.

You gotta go.

No.

I gotta get back to work.

Do you need to take a break?

No.

Is it lunchtime?

No.

We could go back.

Go... I just wanted to have sex with you.

Shut up.

That's so embarrassing. You're so wet.

Why don't you help?

It'll go by faster.

- If you help out. - Yeah.

Listen to JJ.

I'm going to help.

Come over here, you're gonna help.

Alright, we're gonna help.

- Go over there? - Bobby's over there.

- Hey, Bobby. - Bobby!

I was sent to help you.

- No, no. - Hey!

I'm good. Thank you though.

Yeah. You're good.

You do your thing.

I'm just going to like help you.

No, like I'm...

Don't touch that.

Don't touch that.

Don't touch that.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

No.

I don't...

He asked me to help with the... okay.

I will not touch the light

and I will help over here.

Stop messing with the equipment.

Why are you yelling at me?

You guys were singing.

What were you singing?

Yeah.

Vita, I'll just be in the scene.

♪ ... Bid me adieu ♪

What is happening?

Thank you.

Vita!

You know, I don't think we need this shot.

What about the close-up?

Why don't you... We get the most shooting.

Are you absolutely sure you don't need this shot?

Vita!

Vita!

♪ Red river valley ♪

Yeah, I'm sure.

I always wondered

if that shot would have made the film better.

Guess I wonder about a lot of things.

♪ ... Bid me adieu ♪

Adieu. Adieu. Adieu.

♪ Just remember that red river ♪

Dina, um, I'm gonna need you to

really dig a little deeper on this one.

I mean, the scream's gotta come from,

like, a really painful place.

Okay.

Okay, I don't... I don't get it.

Like, where is this all coming from?

Well, Dina, she's...

Emotionally torn.

Okay.

I don't know what that means, honestly.

Maybe we should try it from a different angle,

like, shoot from behind,

and then you can add a better scream.

Yeah, but you have to stay with her. It's gotta be that.

Dina, maybe try it, like, you just, like, stub your toe,

and it's, like, that one spot, and you always do it.

No, Sam, it's not...

It's not like stubbing your toe.

She needs a real life example.

This is after the scene where she meets her secret lover?

Yeah, but he's not secret.

So is it about the boyfriend?

It's... we all read the script, right?

I mean, yeah, but 40 pages of mostly prose.

- JJ... Can this please wait? - Can I just...?

Vita, what if she's, like,

not in pain at all at this point?

What do you mean?

Like, what if, like, instead, she's...

She's, like, coming to terms with

who she's, like, meant to be, you know?

But it's, like, it's the opposite of that.

I don't know, it's not like the opposite.

It's just, like, a different... It's a different take.

It's, like, the same thing.

It's the opposite of that, I am telling you.

- Okay... - She's not just cool with it.

Yeah, I'm just... I'm, like, throwing out an idea.

Could be cool.

We're just gonna, we're gonna keep... keep going.

Yeah, okay, let's... Let's try it again maybe.

Thank you. Let's keep going.

Why, why, why does everything I do

just, like, fucking upset you up here?

Can we just get through this scene?

Yeah. I'm... I'm just trying to, like, help out here.

But it's not helping.

Could we, could we, like, go and talk for a second?

- Right now? - Yeah.

- You need to talk right now? - Yeah, yeah.

What are we gonna talk about?

Uh, I... I'd rather just not do this

in front of, like, everyone.

Can you, like, take just, like, five minutes?

No, I can't.

How can you not see that I'm busy?

I'm trying to finish this scene.

Baby.

You... you make me, like, feel really bad

being here.

I think I'm just gonna, like... Uhh...

I'm gonna go back home.

You finish the film, and yeah, I'll see you later.

Okay, I'm...

I'm gonna be right back. Just keep, keep it rolling.

- No, we can't... - I'm good.

- Okay... - Especially when the fucking...

The sexual tension is dripping.

Bobby.

Just the regular attention.

His regular attention.

Hey.

Just, Dustin, stop.

You wanted to talk. Let's talk.

Just try to see what I'm doing here.

Yeah.

Look, why... why are...

Why are you taking this all so fucking seriously?

What do you mean why I'm taking it...

Why aren't you taking it seriously?

I'm trying to be...

I'm trying to do this with my fucking life.

This is me.

Yeah, look, I'm trying to be here with you, okay?

And you don't even fucking, like, see me.

I think you should be up here for me.

Yeah, I am up here for you.

Okay, well, you're not really helping me out

on a day like today, okay?

Because you make me feel like shit

in front of, like, your... Your... your crew!

Okay, well, I'm kind of dealing with a lot.

Like, Dina's not fucking screaming.

The crew won't fucking listen to me

because we're all fucking stoned.

You came in me yesterday

and I have to find a distinct minute

to take the fucking morning after pill

so I don't puke everywhere.

Sorry, I said I was sorry.

You just don't fucking get it.

Like, you are amazing.

Like, you're trying so fucking hard

to, like, make this fucking art,

but you're like... You're...

You don't even understand how fucking amazing you are.

You're... yeah.

You're so much better than me, okay?

What?

Yeah, like...

You could do anything you wanted, okay?

You're capable of... Of, like, everything.

Like what?

Like, like, I don't know, like...

You... you...

You're capable of having, like, a baby.

Like...

Like, you're awesome.

I love you.

And I want to be here for you.

I just want you to, like, want me with you.

You know?

I don't want to have a baby.

I don't want to have a baby.

Yeah, I didn't... That's not...

I didn't mean, like, right now.

Vita, where are you going?

Did you know that after an egg is released

from the ovary, it is viable for up to 24 hours?

And the morning after pill can work for 72.

Unless the sperm and the egg collide first.

I didn't know that then.

I was an idiot.

And convinced that I was the only one

taking the film seriously.

So, let's do one more scream before we roll.

When you're ready.

After the egg was released from my ovaries,

but before I took the morning after pill,

we filmed this scene

where the main character screams.

It was meant to represent

the moment that she became pregnant.

It was at this moment inside of me

that the sperm and the egg collided too.

So, the film was about a young woman

Who was taking care of her ailing father.

She gets pregnant

and decides to escape her hometown in search

of her mother who abandoned her at birth.

This is a true story.

This is a true story except.

I have two moms, and I had two abortions.

Hi, I'm vita and I'm the writer-director

of the feature-length film always, all ways.

Here I am in my childhood bedroom,

aka my editing suite.

I moved back home a few weeks ago

to complete the first of three shoots

over the course of nine months.

I've been reviewing the footage and it looks amazing.

We've decided to start this crowd funding campaign

with amazing rewards for people who donate

to finance the next two shoots,

which will cost approximately $18,000.

I want to get as many people involved in this vision

as possible because your mark on my film

is what I'm looking for.

Houston, cut.

Houston, cut.

Houston, cut.

Tail, slating!

Bring it.

You want me to cut this, z?

cut it.

- Mark. - Mark.

Cut.

Guess what?

What?

The film is officially listed!

No turning back now, dude.

No way.

Whoa, we did it!

Cool!

Oh my god!

Okay and then we...

Take some time to recover

and take, you know, just take some deep breaths.

And you crawl over to the worm.

- Okay, crawl over... - See it?

You pick it up and hold it.

You know, deal with it, feel it.

You know, take it in.

Her nets are going to rip...

Shh, quiet.

what's the point of the worm again?

I don't know.

I think it's about her being pregnant or something.

The film was filled with thin motifs,

like earthworms,

and a bunch of other asso-teric images.

I didn't give a shit about the audience.

I liked the earthworms because I had read

that they hold both sexes inside them.

They are beholden to no one.

Wait, bobby, did you move the light?

I told him to do that

because it's just, it's a really shitty bathroom.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Raise your hand if you like the light.

I just think it looks better.

Yeah, I would listen to that.

Um, vita?

Yeah.

What should we do next?

I don't know, just fucking go with it.

Okay?

actually, the more telling pattern that

haunted the set was that of near death.

First there was the plane.

Then...

The deer.

The lightning.

The goblin weed.

The drama on the pier.

And then there was

the night.

With cash.

And the whiskey.

You can dance tonight if you want.

Yeah, whatever you want, darlin'.

Is that the best mask you could get for me?

It is, it is.

They didn't have much of a collection, I guess.

Mustache falling off and everything?

Uh, keep doing what you're doing.

Wait for me to cue.

Get rowdy.

- Okay. - Woo!

Hey guys, listen up!

Action!

Darlin'.

Darlin'.

Darlin'.

How's it going?

Did you hear the news?

Did she tell you?

You didn't tell her?

Baby, we're having a baby.

Baby, we're having a baby.

Having a baby?

This is great, cash. Keep going.

Can I get another?

Yeah, let's pause.

You want to get him a beer and a shot? Sam?

Come on, brother.

Why did you give him more to drink?

- Are you joking? - I didn't give him anything!

He's already drunk, how the fuck is this on me?

Guys, guys, guys.

Hey!

What is the problem?

It's fine.

I know these guys. It's fine.

We're good.

Just having fun.

It's going to be okay.

Just calm down.

It's okay.

The prosthetic belly is...

Whatever this decision is, can you just make yourself?

Okay.

Action!

Fuck!

I know.

Don't stop.

Motherfucker.

God damn it. Where was I?

Baby.

Baby?

Baby.

We're having a motherfucking baby.

We're having a fucking baby.

It's going to be a little fucking girl.

We're having a fucking baby girl.

Get in here, motherfuckers.

The prodigal son returns!

Go, go, go!

What's going on?

We're having a fucking baby.

What?

We're having a fucking baby girl.

We're having a fucking baby.

We're having a baby.

We're havin' a fuckin' baby guys.

We're havin' a fuckin' baby!

We're havin' a fuckin' baby!

We're havin' a baby!

We're havin' a baby...

We're havin' a baby!

Fuckin' baby...

I remember thinking I was brilliant.

So that's everything except those lights upstairs, right?

Okay.

Alright. Yeah.

You can give him a little time.

You can come up there.

Alright.

Thanks man.

Hey, um, dinner's almost ready

and I got some more beers for the guys.

Great.

And maybe us.

Yeah, and us.

For sure us.

Don't let them steal a bottle.

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

Congratulations.

But I knew I called out to him.

Where are you going?

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Wait! Where are you going?

Stop!

Cash!

Stop! Don't drive!

Come back!

Or maybe I didn't call out at all.

I don't remember anything after that.

Except the beans

And the music.

We were all so hungry.

♪ One night of magic rush ♪

♪ The start, a simple touch ♪

♪ One night to push and scream ♪

♪ And then relief ♪

♪ Ten days of perfect tunes ♪

♪ The colors red and blue ♪

♪ We had a promise made ♪

♪ We were in love ♪

♪ To call for hands of above ♪

♪ To lean on ♪

♪ Wouldn't be good enough for me, oh ♪

♪ To call for hands of above ♪

Hello?

19.5 miles outside of town.

They found cash's truck

wrapped around a telephone pole.

And the only person I told was Sam.

Maybe we should just wait for cash.

Yeah.

But I think JJ can pass.

I mean, with the jacket and boots, it's probably fine.

I think it's fine.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm kind of tired,

so I don't want to hold it up.

Yeah, I mean, I think we'll do a couple.

And so...

About how high or how low?

- Okay... - Can you breathe in there?

Well, the only way to do the scene

is with the mask on.

Can you put your arm over her shoulder?

Oh, come on, JJ. Like this.

Like you mean it.

Hang on her, JJ.

Cover her almost.

Man, can you fucking just...

What is going on?

What is going on? Why are you...

Can we just be a little bit professional?

This is really annoying for me

to have to stop my conversation,

to be having this conversation with you.

It's really annoying when you touch the boom.

- I didn't touch... - You touched me with a boom.

You never touch the camera.

That's so fucking weird of you, man.

I'm not...

Be professional! It's like...

Have we forgotten how to do our job?

You touched me with the fucking boom.

- I didn't do shit. - Stop, stop, stop.

- Stop yelling at people. - I know we're fucking tired...

- Please vita. V! - But let's all be fucking

professional for a second.

We are all here for your movie.

It was an accident. He didn't mean to hit you.

It's stupid to be yelling...

You good?

I think I drank too much last night.

Hey, Sam.

What are we doing now?

Hi.

Sam told us what happened with cash.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah.

So...

Besides the equipment...

And us...

You can still shoot the rest of your movie.

I remember thinking I was brilliant.

Come get this fucker!

I wanted them to be wasted.

I wanted it to be real.

And...

I guess in this moment...

Their performances were brilliant.

Or at least realistic.

We're having a baby!

Wasted.

And even though he didn't die...

You're trying to get him over here.

No amount of real is worth someone's life.

Sam.

And then...

Yeah, look back at her.

You alright?

When I was in the sixth grade...

My dad told me he had HIV.

He'd had it my whole life.

And I didn't tell anyone.

Maybe because saying it out loud

would have made it true.

Or because...

Every person I saw like him was a character in a movie.

How long was I asleep?

And they all died.

Where is everyone?

I guess they're really gone.

But my dad didn't die.

And so I cast him in my film...

As the father of the main character.

We can film it on this.

What is that?

Your dad gave it to me.

I already got some pretty cool shots on it.

No, absolutely not.

This is the...

This is the most important scene

of the entire film.

She is saying goodbye to her dead dad

before she gets the fuck out of town.

And if we don't get it,

it's not gonna make fucking sense.

It's not gonna be good.

When did being good ever stop you?

Now come on, let's shoot this scene.

So all I did was lay in the grave for two hours

contemplating death for nothing?

This is so fucking stupid.

Hello?

Is that a real grave?

You wanna hit?

Stop!

We share everything on this Hill.

When I was your age,

one of us just stood up on a park bench

and spun around and pointed north.

We had to get out of the city.

We didn't want to be with those people.

Live with them.

We certainly didn't want to be

buried near them either, huh?

Dad, she doesn't want to hear your story.

Did you hear something?

Are you sure you guys are related?

I know. How could somebody so beautiful

have a father like me?

I'm sure. I'm sure.

She didn't tell you how her moms conceived her?

- Dad! - No.

Don't mind her. I'll tell you.

Really?

Yup.

Imagine growing up your whole life,

"people telling you, "Make a movie!

You got a great fucking story!"

Shit.

That fucking great story is that

your moms are lesbians and your dad is gonna die.

Maybe you should make a film.

Believe me, I tried.

I bought that video camera for her birth.

I tried all that.

It was misunderstood.

So I just gave it up.

well, that's a shame.

Nah.

It's a terrible world out there, girl.

But the strong women said to the faggots,

"There are two important things to remember

about the coming revolution.

The first is that we will get our asses kicked.

"The second is that we will win."

Did you write that?

No. A friend did. He's dead.

But it always reminded me of us up here on this Hill.

So the film was about a young woman.

Who was taking care of her dying father.

She gets pregnant

and decides to leave home

in search of her mother,

who abandoned her at birth.

This is a true story.

Except...

I have two moms.

I had two abortions.

And my dad survived.

Okay. So that's a wrap wrap.

Wrap!

I'll probably take a look at it and see if...

And I think I made the main character

live this parallel life to mine

because I didn't know how to talk about these things.

Or I didn't trust the rules of cinema

to do them justice.

- Dancing is my life. - Good!

That was so awkward.

Or...

You get to dance again tomorrow.

I was afraid to.

Still...

I wish I could show you something that is true.

Did you know that most filmmakers spend

their entire lives

making some version of the same movie.

And I wonder...

Every time are they this alone?

Okay! Let's go see mama.

Boop!

You're so pretty.

What's your film about?

Hey!

Hey!

You're naked.

So are you.

Can we get the fuck out of here?

Wait, we can't take his truck.

Just get in.

Man, I should pee.

Yeah, me too.

Oh god!

I just decided,

I'm going to go away after we finish the film.

There's this school.

I could take some film classes.

And it's near my dad's so I can take care of him too.

And I need to stop smoking.

What?

I don't think we're gonna finish the film.

Shut up.

Come on.

Come on.

Dance with me.

Come on.

Come on.

♪ You were the rainbow ♪

♪ You were the wind ♪

♪ You were the perfume ♪

♪ You were even a friend ♪

♪ Everybody knows That paradise ♪

♪ Is blue ♪

You don't need to tell me what happened, man.

I get it.

You know I got pregnant too.

While you were gone.

Fuck that.

Making this film has been...

Fucking freeing.

A real resolution for me.

Come on.

Fuck, come on!

- What are we doing? - Just come here.

Okay!

Ready?

And a one.

And a two.

Three!

I mean tonight was fun but...

I want more than dudes who just want

to fuck us and have their babies.

We've got to finish making the film.

You were always next to me.

Falling in love with making something.

No matter how treacherous.

Biting.

Cruel.

and so, ready or not,

willing or not,

we must come to comprehend

with full responsibility

the world which we've now created.

It's the best thing you ever said to me.

That was actually the best thing

you ever said to me.

It's going to be okay.

You okay?

We'll do that again.

Okay.

I think it's going.

Okay, start walking.

Can you put your legs over there?

Hi.

What are you doing?

Just looking for planes.

You a ghost?

Boo!

Shouldn't you be going to the hospital or something?

I read this story once in the newspaper

about this kid who had to be born in the hospital.

See, there was this lady.

She kept trying to have babies.

But every time she had a baby,

it would die in her stomach.

So the grandmother said,

"Oh, I've already had babies. I can have another one."

So that's what they did.

They took the sperm and they put it inside the egg,

and then they took the egg

and they put it in the grandmother.

And when it was ready to come out,

they took her to the hospital

and they cut her open and took the baby out.

Wow.

Yeah.

It was really cool.

Except since it was born from its grandmother,

it had like old lady blood.

So it was like an old person

and a young person in one.

Anyway, that probably won't happen to you

because you're not an old person.

And what am I?

In this life, ideally, happy.

You want a hit?

Cut!

What?

Cut!

Why did you stop us? We were just getting going.

Dad, she's pregnant.

You can't offer her weed.

You know, I don't even know

if the film is about her being pregnant.

Have you ever seen a pregnant person?

Look at that belly.

What do you mean? It looks good.

It looks like a pillow.

No, it doesn't.

- It does. - Totally.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Does it even matter?

Oh, shit!

It is a pillow.

Hang on, this is not a joke, dad.

My whole fucking life is riding on this movie

so I need the belly to look like

a fucking pregnancy belly.

Why didn't we have this conversation

like nine months ago, Alexis?

I think people tried to.

I'm scared.

Has the belly looked fake the whole time?

I like it.

It's like an allegory. Like a metaphor.

It's like an act of creation.

Pillow is child,

soft, weird, hot air,

cumulus, myth, way up and way down.

What does it all mean?

The belly should be realistic.

Like, she really is pregnant.

I feel like it's depends

what kind of movie you want to make,

but the show is based in reality, right?

What?

Where are you from? You can't show everything.

Reality has never, will never be safe.

Not for me, not for you.

Reality is not art.

Art is this.

Up in the clouds, floating to the future.

Yeah, you just gotta explain to

the audience why you have to be so...

And I remember this so well.

It's just for a moment I stopped caring.

Because it was so beautiful.

Just to be making something with people.

I wish I had stayed right here.

So, is this movie about pregnancy?

I named the main character Anne Marie

because I had read somewhere

that it means mother and daughter in one.

And the film had many endings.

But by the time Anne Marie finally gives birth,

which is a scene we actually shot

before the entire crew quit,

We were supposed to understand

that she's not giving birth to a baby.

Instead, and please hold your laughter,

the audience has come to understand...

Action.

That she is giving birth to herself.

And after meticulously cutting together the montage,

in which Anne Marie gives birth to herself

in all the places she's already been.

I went to the post office,

And I mailed the film to as many film festivals

as I could afford to.

Maybe a hundred or...

Fifty or twenty or

twelve.

And I went home.

And I waited.

And here's the real plot twist.

Push!

The film was not accepted into a single festival.

After I received that final rejection, I pissed blood.

See, despite doing everything that

they tell young filmmakers to do,

despite begging and borrowing and stealing,

alienating my friends and family,

and writing from my experience and crowd funding,

and almost fucking killing someone.

If you look the film up online

right now, it is considered abandoned.

And my film was never seen by anyone.

And last night I stayed up

watching my film again and again.

And I texted a friend.

Why am I the only person I know

who this has happened to?

And they must have looked away from their phone.

Back again.

And said to me.

Are you still there?

So this is my first film.

I thought that writing it out

and filming it and casting an actress

to play me was going to make it all feel better,

but I never thought about it ending.

I've tried so many times to tell this story,

but if I could not get here,

to you,

I would abort the project.

Because abortion is...

An understanding.

But abandoned.

Unseen.

Look what you did.

I feel like I'm doing a bad job.

How does this film end, Zia?

What do we do now?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Jessie.

Hi. Are you ready to move on?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Okay.

Yeah.

It doesn't end.

But you will make something again.

With people you care about, and who care about you.

And it will be hard

and embarrassing.

But eventually you will stop losing sleep.

And stop worrying.

You will make things from joy.

And not despair.

Even films that should not be films.

And every time you will give birth to yourself.

And every time you will find a new version of the truth.

Again and again.

And again.

Vita.

Birthday.

Please.

November 23rd.

Oh.

Happy belated!

23 on 23.

That is a once in a lifetime year.

Alright.

So how are you feeling?

Okay. I just want to remind you

that you are absolutely within your rights to be here.

And if you've been having any new doubts

since you signed the consent,

you are also absolutely within your rights to

leave this room without this procedure.

So may I ask you,

are you having any doubts?

No.

Okay.

Then I'd like to tell you something.

It's something I tell everyone.

What we're about to do here

is remove a small group of cells

that could not exist outside of your body.

I just want to be sure we dissolve any fear

you might have about regret. Okay?

Okay.

So I'm going to talk you through absolutely everything.

But first, would you like a tissue?

Okay.

That's better?

Alright. So go ahead and lean back

and put your feet into the...

Into the stirrups here for me.

Great. And then just

scooch down the table just a little.

Mm-hmm.

And...

Go ahead and place your hands right here.

Perfect.

Oops.

Okay.

Okay.

Cold hands coming through.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

It is so cool to see you as an adult.

I mean, you wouldn't remember me.

You were just that tiny baby.

I was a midwife's assistant back then.

I was at your birth. I helped deliver you.

I'm sorry. Would you like me to be quiet?

Some people do prefer quiet.

Did you pick this music?

It reminds me of my Enya days.

It's a really great choice.

Speculum.

That's the thing that's shaped like a duck bill.

You know, the story of your conception

is really pretty extraordinary.

The town myth.

You're going to feel something like a small pinch now?

Actually, would you tell it to me?

This story of your conception?

Okay.

Where should we begin?

First, your father

finds a 35mm film canister.

And then he jerks off into it.

And then he puts on the top

and puts it into his breast pocket.

He puts on his coat and goes out into a snowstorm.

He makes sure to keep his hand

over his heart

to keep that canister warm.

At the top of the hill, he knocks on a cabin door.

And your moms answer.

They take that 35mm canister from him

and slam the door.

And then they load the contents

into a small plastic syringe.

The kind that's usually used to feed baby cats.

And then one of them uses that syringe

to inject the contents

into her cervix.

And...

Nine months later,

you were born.

And that's a true story.

So,

are you ready for a loud noise?

Good.

You know, all you need is a body to create.

But what you create,

that is up to you.