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Subject: documentation

of inventions by Sid Lidz,

random samples, 1951-1962.

Test number 75. July 5, 1951.

Note: bottle showed excellent resistance...

To percussive impact from 1.1 kilogram stone.

That's me talking.

Subject was next given bottle to receive delivery of fluids.

However--

my dad's an inventor by trade.

He believes in the purity and power of science.

He would say there was nothing broken

that science couldn't fix.

Like the time he spent

an entire weekend making me

a flying purple people eater costume

without eyeholes

because he insisted flying purple people eaters

would have sensory antenna, and not eyes.

Tested by Steven Lidz,

age seven.

Note: subject was initially pleased with the appearance

and performance of costume.

However, a minor slippage of mirror

within periscopic antenna

obscured subject's peripheral vision,

resulting in non-injury accident.

Thanks to mom,

future development of this prototype was abandoned.

Test number 211, May 8,1958.

Perpetual motion baby jumper.

Subject: Sandy Lidz, age 22 months.

My dad believes

in documentation and recording the details

and progress of our lives.

...resulted in seizure

of right flywheel.

Subject was uninjured.

Test number 175.

May 15, 1957.

Mild monsoon sprinkler system.

Subject: Selma's Rose garden.

Note: slow motion macro photography

reveals even distribution of droplets

from watering heads.

Timed diurnal cycles should produce

significant increase in plant growth.

Invention performed according to specifications.

The gardener--

Even accidents

are important to document,

like when mom got too close to dad's sprinkler system,

and dad said he had recorded a serendipitous phenomenon:

The similarity between two American beauties,

the red rose... And my mom, Selma Lidz.

Test number 319.

May 5, 1962. Domedary--

Dad said science was the only heroic path.

Of course, his brothers didn't agree.

Uncle Danny and uncle Arthur had their own paths.

But it annoyed dad too much to talk about them.

It was mom who told me a hero

is anybody who finds his own way through this life.

She told me this would be the year I'd find mine.

Someday I'll invent a camera that'll last

more than 30 seconds.

Are your eyes closed?

Okay. happy birthday, honey.

Okay, here we go. Happy birthday.

A tent?

Now, the entire operation is controlled

by this remote which includes a surprise feature

which we'll discuss in a moment.

But before surprise comes what?

I have no idea.

Safety!

In the event the remote doesn't work,

which it will,

and you're trapped inside, and there's an emergency

and you need to evacuate immediately,

you can do so manually through this entranceway,

all right?

Come over here. Sit on the bed.

Selma... watch this!

I thought I was getting a Kodak Instamatic 500.

Yeah, an Instamatic 500.

Your dad had a brainstorm.

I want to show you the surprise feature.

- Go over to your dad. - Do I have to?

Come on, Steven, come over here!

Quick, quick, quick! Come on in.

Watch!

Now, sit on the bed. Hold on, okay, ready?

Damn it! Why isn't this thing working?

- Get the light projector. - The what?

The light projector! Right here, come on, grab it.

That's it, come on. Just give it--

give it a hard tap underneath, okay?

Oh! oh!

Oh, damn, Sid.

That's it, I blew the whole house out.

Steven, begin emergency evacuation.

Yeah! whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! yeah!

Hey, first batch, Sid!

Dad, pancakes!

Steven, get the record.

It's gonna skip.

Excuse me, excuse me.

That should do it.

You know what Spinoza says:

The only graceful form is that of the circle.

Then again, he never met you, so...

Steven, turn out the lights, okay?

All right, here we go!

Blast off! Ha-ha!

There's Saturn.

Yeah, there's Saturn.

See? look on the Frigidaire over there.

Wow!

Look at that shooting star. It's kinda neat.

Look at all those!

Ooh, look at the wishing star up there!

Oh, yeah.

How was your day?

It was pretty good. How was yours?

Yeah.

Look, there's Venus.

Where?

Right over there.

Daddy,

how many stars are there, anyways?

That's a stellar question. But to be able to answer that,

you have to know the highest number.

What is the highest number?

Well, since time and space are unbounded,

everything starts with nothing.

Naturally, nothing begins and nothing ends,

and nothing can be created out of nothing.

And as Socrates says,

"as for me, all I know is that I'm nothing."

Sid, just answer the question.

I'm getting to it.

First I'll need to explain basic algebra.

Let's define the limit that a function "F" approaches

at "x" equals "a"--

- Sid. - Dad.

Infinity.

I know you're disappointed,

but don't worry we'll get you a camera next year, kiddo.

You have to admit,

you're the only kid on the block with one of these.

Mom, is dad from another planet?

Who told you that?

The kids say it at school.

Oh! well... He could be.

Although if I were from another planet,

I don't think I'd choose Roseman Avenue

as my place to land.

Does it bother you what they say?

Well, yeah. I mean--

listen, you are getting older.

And it's probably time that you know.

What?

- Your dad-- - Yeah?

Your dad's a genius.

A genius?

And most people don't understand that.

So... you shouldn't care if they laugh

or say mean things, you know?

You should just be proud of him like he's proud of you.

He is?

Oh, god, of course he is!

Give me a hug. Good night, birthday boy, mmm.

Sweet dreams.

Okay, let's see if this thing really works.

Wait. hey, mom?

Yeah, what, baby?

Mom, remember when I told you I was thinking of running

for class president?

Sure I do!

Well, I don't think I will now.

Well, why not?

Gosh, I thought that was such a terrific idea.

No one's gonna vote for me.

Gosh, how do you know until you give yourself a chance?

You know, I mean, we can make posters.

No.

And your dad, your dad could write speeches.

No, wait, what if I lose?

I mean, I'll be humiliated.

So what if you lose? Who cares? Big deal.

Look at Adlai Stevenson.

He ran for president twice, and he didn't win.

Do you think he was embarrassed?

Yes.

Oh, well--

Look, kiddo, I'm sure you'll work it out.

Your hands smell good.

Oh, thanks.

It's a new lotion I used. It's Avon.

It's a little more expensive but what the hell?

Live dangerously, right?

I have pretty hands, don't you think?

Yeah.

Do I have your hands?

I don't know. Let me see.

Hmm.

You know, I think you do.

Mmm.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night, mom.

Happy birthday.

Now the first thing we have to do

is make two lists, see?

One list you call "possible ideas."

The other list, "available materials."

Let's go!

For instance, possible ideas for your election speech:

Let's say, benefits of integrating schools.

Available materials:

School buses, the national guard.

Number two: How about winning the space race?

Possible idea: School science Olympics.

Now, available materials. What would they be?

They would be what?

The NASA surplus electronics, recycled jet parts--

I don't know, dad.

What? what? Now, get--hey!

What are you doing with those?

Stop playing. It's not a toy.

No one at school cares about that stuff.

What kid isn't interested in space exploration?

Well... none of them.

I don't believe that.

What about the Venus Mariner?

They're launching next fall.

It's going to take pictures of a planet

millions of miles away.

It takes my breath away.

It's unbelievable what great minds can do.

Steven, my papers! Steven!

Steven, now come on.

I'm sorry.

You know you're not supposed to do that, Steven!

Steven, you have no idea

what an extraordinary time you're living in.

When I was about your age,

I went to see the 1939 World's Fair.

I told you the story. All right.

But it changed the way I saw things.

It affected my entire life.

I saw the future, a technotopian future.

There were these dioramas of these gigantic buildings,

I don't know, 500 stories and all these monorails that--

vroom! that ran around 200 miles an hour,

they transported people.

The frontiers of science and medicine

predicted an end to all disease.

And how a man's life span will soon be 100 years.

That's why I said everything can always be

broken down into numbers.

I tell you that science, pure science,

will be earth's ultimate salvation, right?

And all because of what we can think of with this.

What's going on down there?

I-- oh!

Selma?

- Oh, god, Sid. - Selma?

- I don't know what happened. - Okay, hold on to me.

I was nauseous and the room started spinning.

Steven, run downstairs, open the phone book to "F."

Look for Dr. Feldman's number.

Are you okay? Call him quickly!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Can you focus? - I'm just sick.

Your hands feel cold. Let me take your pulse.

Dr. Bornstein, please call

the nurses station four.

Stop it!

Stop it!

What the--

- Daddy, daddy? - What?

This is no fun. When's mommy gonna wake up?

Soon, honey. She needs sleep to get better.

Wait, we're not gonna leave her here, are we?

No, she has to stay for a little while.

She has to take some tests. We'll come back tomorrow.

What's wrong with her?

She has a very bad cold, okay?

Now go. You guys go on.

I'll be right with you, okay?

Hold the microphone higher.

The point is to have the sound

precisely synchronized to the image.

Hi, Mark. Hi, Sherry.

Why don't you help me test it by asking some questions?

All right, hey! Hi!

Hi!

You look 100% better.

200%. Eat.

A latke with some nice applesauce.

Or maybe some applesauce? A small dish.

I'll put it in a dessert bowl.

Joanie, she doesn't want it. What difference does it make?

Sandy, honey, hurry up.

Uncle Melvin wants to ask you a question.

Sandy, come on over here.

Come and give uncle Melvin a nice sweet kiss.

Sandy, tell uncle Melvin what's the highest number.

Eleven?

No, remember daddy told you the highest number, I taught you?

I don't know. Can I go get my Dolly?

Go right ahead.

Bright kid you got there, Sidney.

Yeah? what's the highest number?

Six thousand. You want to know why?

That's what in my bank account.

Are you really taking this

with real sound or synchronized sound?

Yes and that's the way you do it.

Hey, dad?

It's uncle Arthur.

Arthur.

Hi, Arthur, hi.

How're you doin'?

Oh, good. Hello, Sidney.

Hi. nice to see you.

Oh, good. I brought something for you.

Oh, yeah? Great.

What is it?

It's a series of leaves.

Oh, with a stick through them, yeah.

Yeah. to old 'em together.

Thanks. where's Danny?

Hey, Danny.

What's goin' on?

We were followed.

Arthur can vouch for this.

Two men in gray overcoats and hats are on our tail.

But we were too quick for them.

I specifically chose a more difficult bus route

going in the opposite direction.

Then we got off near Hancock Park, shook 'em.

Oh, I'm sure everyone in this room has been monitored!

Someone might even be bugged!

Oh, if you can hear me, just know that I'm on to you.

Oh! stop, please.

Oh, my god, Selma. You look like death!

You have absolutely no color. It's frightening.

Why don't you go and get some air...

Instead of sitting inside with these

phony, miserable bastards?

Sid!

Danny!

What is it with this schmuck all the time?

- I heard that. - Good!

N-n-n-n-n-now, let's not have a scene.

We're here for a nice visit.

So why don't we just have a nice visit?

Arthur, a latke.

Oh, thank you.

Look, be careful!

She probably fried 'em in hemlock.

Arthur,

did anybody ever tell you you have a crackpot putz

for a brother?

No.

You are an unmarried slave trader.

I work for a modeling agency, you maniac.

And I happen to be seeing someone at the moment.

Yes, an Eisenhower Nazi!

Uh-oh.

Eisenhower was one of our finest presidents!

Here we go.

The man was a Jew-hater! "I like Ike."

A secret gentile code for "I hate kikes."

Anyone with half a brain would know that.

That leaves you out.

I hardly think you should be smoking a marijuana cigarette

in your condition.

Marijuana? What?

What? I am not!

Oh, you don't think I know slurred speech when I hear it?

Oh, shoot!

Let's see now. "Danny's coming over.

I need marijuana."

No, I thought, "Danny's comin' over. I need a gun!"

Sid, could you put your camera down and please come with me?

Danny, do me a favor. Please stop being so abrasive.

Now, now, now, now,

let's not forget we're a family,

for better or for worse.

In any family, there are problems,

there are disagreements.

There are good people and there are demented schmucks

who are not welcome!

You're a pox on the Jewish race.

You are a pox period!

I can't believe you called me a pox.

Ohh!

Everybody, calm down. I'll start the coffee.

I'll get the cups and cake and start the coffee.

Joanie, why do you have to say

everything six different ways?

You wanna make coffee, go make coffee!

Say it once!

Make the damn coffee!

Stop yelling at her, Mel.

I found something for you.

What is it?

It's a special remedy to get rid of your itching.

You just rub it right on the area.

I don't have any itching, Arthur.

Oh, Danny had mentioned that something

was irritating you.

Something is irritating me. If I rub it on Danny,

will he go away?

I'm not sure.

You'd have to read the label under "other uses."

It's very thoughtful, Arthur. Thank you.

Could I have the wrapping back?

"And when confronting problems

"any class leader must face,

"I promise to show the resilience

"of Adlai Stevenson,

who refused to take no for an answer... twice."

Okay, this is the conclusion, okay?

"And I pledge to do my utmost to represent

"the interests of my fellow classmates during these

dark and troubled times."

What troubled times?

Well, you know.

The cold war.

The possibility of a nuclear doomsday.

Don't you think, maybe,

you should lighten it up just a little bit?

Oh, well, yeah, well, here, I have a joke, okay?

Just tell me if you think this is funny.

I think it is, really. Okay.

"In addition, I hope to change cafeteria restrictions,

"thereby enforcing every student's right

to due process of slaw!"

That's good!

You know, if you lose the election, we could book you

on the Ed Sullivan show.

Yeah, well, I-I better go, 'cause, you know,

I gotta get there. Remember 2:00.

You should get there by 1:30 for a good seat.

2:00? what's happening at 2:00?

Well you know, Sid, my doctor's appointments not 'til 4:00,

so I thought maybe if I'm feeling better--

Absolutely not. It's out of the question.

What?

Steven, your mother has a doctor's appointment today.

We don't want her overdoing it.

She's still very much under the weather.

She's been resting for weeks! You have to come.

- Oh, Sid. - No.

What about me?

You're the ones who told me to do this,

and now you're not showing up.

Great, just great.

And if there is one thing

that I learned from Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy,

it's that in spite of all the glamour of running for office,

it is not a popularity contest.

Which is why it doesn't bother me when people say,

"but, Nancy Oppenheim your initials are N.O.,"

because I say Y.E.S.!

As you can tell, I will represent

this seventh grade class to the best of my abilities,

and to honor our fine tradition by insuring all of

Herbert hoover junior high rules are enforced,

and enforced fairly.

Go H.H.J.H.!

I'd like to thank Nancy.

That was a well-written speech, and well-executed.

And our next speaker is Steven Lidz.

Are you all right?

Yeah... I'm fine.

Hello. my name is Steven Lidz.

Um-- many of you don't know me very well.

I don't blame you if you don't vote for me.

Thank you.

Thank you, Steven.

That was... concise, and humble.

Right from the heart.

And our last speaker is Ralph Crispi.

Yeah!

Thank you, Mrs. Kantruitz.

Now, I'm not just going to stand here

and make a lot of promises like Nancy,

or let you off the hook like Steven.

By the way, thanks, Steven.

I'm just going to explain why I'm the best choice.

Excuse me.

Our class needs a strong, powerful leader to ask

not what we can do for Herbert Hoover,

but what Herbert Hoover can do for us!

You'll need someone available and prepared

24 hours a day.

Not someone who's taking time out for a cigarette

in the bathroom,

or someone you can't even understand when he talks.

You'll need someone who's there looking after

your best interests.

Fascist smearmonger!

- Who said that? - I did!

And I think that boy is a Hitler-in-the-making.

That's my son you're talking about.

Meet Hitler's father.

Who the hell is this nut?

And what is he doing in this school?

Gentlemen, please.

This assembly is for the students.

And it is their participation we are seeking

in this Democratic process.

How can you let some snot-nosed, spoiled brat

like that get up there

and soil the minds of these children with slanderous

and humiliating insinuations?

Where are the issues?

This is outrageous!

- The issues? - I demand the immediate withdrawal...

Of this junior Joe McCarthy's name from the nominating ballot.

And I further demand an immediate roll call

for a new ballot to be implemented.

Thank you, Mr. chairman!

- Mom! - Yes, baby?

- Hey, mom? - What, sweets?

Mom, did you know that Idaho means Jew-hater in Cherokee?

Who told you that?

Uncle Danny.

He also says that there are only eight trustworthy people

in the entire world.

There used to be 12, but four got assassinated.

If I die, Danny, I swear I'm taking you with me.

Hey, mom, he also said that he has 27 bona fide sources,

but he can't reveal who they are because he took an oath.

Who took an oath?

What are you saying?

Uncle Danny.

Danny? You saw Danny today?

Yeah, you brought him to the assembly, remember?

Oh, right.

Dad, you shoulda seen what he did to Ralph.

He called him a fascist smearmonger--

and a Hitler in the making.

It says it should be ingested with food,

but I think if I pulverized two tablets and dissolve them

into a low pH liquid,

it'll enter your bloodstream more rapidly.

Selma, are you all right?

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Wh-why don't I go get some Chinese tonight?

No Sid, I can make something else.

Maybe we're pushing.

Okay? no, no, I just got a little dizzy, that's all.

I've been laying down too damn much!

I thought we decided about this.

What the hell difference does it make?

What the hell difference does it make?

Didn't you read about the dangers of cigarettes?

Yes, I read the article, and I rolled it up

and I smoked it.

- Selma, I swear to god. - Just leave me alone.

Mom, what's going on?

- Nothing. - nothing.

Okay, let's go.

We're going out to get some egg foo Yung.

I hate egg foo Yung.

- I hate eggs. - Yeah, that's great.

We'll be back in five minutes, ten.

But I don't like eggs.

Oh, don't say that.

We made them special. We love eggs!

Who's we?

They're good for us. Builds muscle.

I can't eat them. They look like snot.

Especially the left one.

Good morning, Mr. Lidz.

We're just throwing away your daughter's breakfast.

She says it looks like something that came out of her nose.

Who's we? Daddy, do I have to eat these?

Dr. Feldman, hello, hello.

Thanks for calling back.

Who's she?

I'm sorry to bother you again, but I was just

reading an article in the recent

Harvard medical journal regarding blood testing

for capsular sarcoma, and it says--

well, let me just tell you.

Well, you might have missed this article, hmm?

It says that 3% of diagnosed ovarian cancers

can be benign if the patient has a history of--

Dad? Who's that lady?

I know. I know.

Yes, I know hers is not capsular,

but don't you think it's worth checking, just in case?

Why not?

Dad, who's that lady?

Dad?

Why the hell not? Labs can make mistakes!

Dad?

Dr. Feldman, do not talk to me like

I'm one of your patients.

I happen to be in the business of experimentation,

and I damn well know that not every test result

is exactly--

I'm not yelling! I am not yelling!

I am--hold on, hold on. Steven, where're you going?

T-to see mom.

No, you leave her alone. She's resting.

But--

I don't think a suggestion to reevaluate the situation

is inappropriate.

Well, perhaps another doctor might feel differently.

Dad? but, dad,

who's that lady in the kitchen?

Oh, that's Amelia.

She's gonna be taking care of things around the house

until your mother feels better.

And I want you to stay out of your mom's room.

She doesn't need you kids bothering her all day

with every little problem.

I'm not bothering her.

Stop it. Stop it!

She's vacuuming.

No, no, wait. She stopped.

She's picking up something.

Okay, it's something shiny. She put it in her pocket.

I think it's a quarter. She found it, and she took it.

She found the quarter and she took it.

Wait, she took it. She, she's stealing.

I don't believe it!

That was my quarter when I came home sick from school

and didn't use my milk money.

And sat down and watched television,

and it fell outta my pocket.

Quiet, she's gonna hear you.

I was too sick to pick it up, and then I forgot about it.

We have to tell dad. We have to!

No, no, he'll never believe us. We need documentation.

Hurry up, come on, she's coming.

I don't want to. How do you know if she's here or not?

Just drop it. Drop it!

I see her. Just--come on, drop it.

She's picking it up.

Yes, we got her now.

Let's go.

Thanks for comming by.

I assure you, everything's being done that can be done.

At this point, I have no reason

to disagree with Dr. Feldman.

That's very--yeah.

If he smiles at us, she's getting better.

If he looks angry, things are getting worse.

Please call me. There's no charge.

Thanks very much.

What if he looks like he always looks?

Aah! look, why don't we study in our room?

Because my desk isn't big enough,

and I have finals today.

Well, hurry up and eat your breakfast

or you'll miss the bus.

The bus doesn't come for half an hour.

- I can't eat these! - Why not?

They look like doody cakes! Mommy lets me make my own.

We're not making anything, and you're not leaving the table

until you eat every bite on this plate.

All right, all right, give me that!

All right, that's--

Young lady!

All right, all right! All right!

Turn Th! S-- oh! Oh! Sandra! Sandy!

That's it!

Young lady, you clean up this mess right now!

You're not our mother, you know! You just work here.

And once our father finds out that you've been stealing,

That won't be for long.

- Stealing? - Yes, stealing.

I've never stolen a nickel in my life!

It was a quarter.

And I've got the proof on film.

How... dare you!

I am doing the best I can

to try to keep this house in order, taking on much more

responsibility than was first described to me!

And with no extra pay, I might add.

I should think the least the two of you could do is try to be

of a little more help, what with your mother dying upstairs.

What?

Well, I mean-- I--

She is not dying.

I just think the two of you could try to be--

She's not dying.

It's not too much to ask for more cooperation

from both of you, you understand me?

Steven! Steven!

You open this door right now. I'm not kidding.

Alright, I'm not playing.

Steven Lidz!

I'm scared. I'm scared.

Shh, shh, quiet.

Steven Lidz. Open this door, Steven.

Steven, immediately. All right.

I'll go check.

- No, don't. - Yes.

Don't go.

Aah! help!

No!

You come outta there, both of you!

I want to talk to you right now! Out!

What did I tell you?

I want to address a few things with you.

Amelia just quit.

She was a bad lady. She told a lie.

- What lie? - She said mommy's dying.

Mom?

Mom?

Hey, Lidz,

you too good to put your trash out with everybody else?

I want the junk outta here! Do you understand that?

I'll tell you what. I'll call the fire department.

I'll call everybody at city hall.

This is my building. My building, Lidz.

You understand that?

You hear me in there? I'm sick and tired of it.

I work hard!

You make me nuts!

I'll get them outta here.

I'll run them right the hell outta here.

Uncle Arthur?

Uncle Danny, please?

I never get any quiet around here,

for crying out loud. Hey!

- Hey, kid, get over here! - Let me in!

You're involved in this too, huh?

Steven!

What are you doing here?

Let me in!

All right, come on. Come on.

Come here! Hey!

Ow! ow!

Come here!

What are you doin' there? Hey, come over here! Hey!

All right! All right!

Hey! hey, Lidz, open that door!

Open that door! Look, you two.

Barricade the door! Use those books.

There's more at the end of the hall, hurry!

I'll be back! You can rest assure of that!

I will be back!

Uncle Danny? Uncle Arthur?

Uncle Danny? Uncle Arthur?

Whoa!

Uncle Danny?

Uncle Arthur?

Uncle Danny!

Uncle Arthur!

Hello? Aaah!

Uncle Danny? Uncle Arthur?

Hmm. you must be hungry. Sit.

I couldn't find any books, uncle Danny.

Exactly. they burned them.

That's part of their plan. Fascist bastards!

Boy, you have a lot of newspapers.

Yeah, well, we've been busy.

We haven't had time to read them.

Baruch ata adonai elohainu melech ha-olam...

She-hakol nee-yah bidvaro.

Amen.

Arthur, give me a high bouncer.

So, you ran away, hmm?

You couldn't stand the hypocrisy, could you?

Is that a good one? It's got to be a good one.

Yes! Arthur, give this boy the high bouncer.

He's earned it.

What do I do?

Go ahead. Here.

Hit your head?

Do it to him.

Do it again.

Oh-oh-oh!

On the table. On the table.

Here. all right, here, look.

Heigh-ho! you do it.

High bouncers!

Okeydokey! higher, higher!

Hundreds of high bouncers!

Ohh! bull's-eye!

People throw away a lot of things that are good.

I mean, so here are, um,

some basic household items that you might find

in anybody's house.

And over here are some other items that you would find

maybe only in abandoned warehouses

or in empty boxcars, or--

But who's to say that those aren't homes to somebody?

Here's something. I wanna show you something.

These are dreams that I've had.

See, dreams are-- they're like memories.

They're easy to lose.

Then how do you keep track of 'em?

Well, I file them alphabetically.

Is that grandma Fanny?

Yeah!

It's a shame that you never met her.

How'd she die?

Influenza.

Really?

Yes, yes. I think this is going to work.

Steven, come here. Come here!

Stand there. Stand right there.

Ohh!

Now if you hear Lindquist or his accomplices,

you just get in the box,

play dumb like you don't know anything.

Who's Lindquist?

Exactly.

Time for sleep. Lights out.

Danny! Arthur!

It's Sid. Open the door. Danny? Arthur?

Sid?

Why don't you get a phone so people can call you

in an emergency?

Your question is also your answer!

What does that mean?

It means what it means.

Is Steven here?

I don't want to go, uncle Arthur.

I know, I know. I don't want you to go.

- Please, open the door. - Wait, wait.

I don't want to go.

I got you something.

What is it?

Open the door!

It's, um... To put things in.

But not, not, um...

Not cracker Jacks or music...

'Cause they already got boxes for themselves.

It's for important things.

Things that you don't want to disappear.

Where is he?

Hi, dad.

Get your things. Let's go.

This is it.

I can't believe you would do this to your mother.

She's been up all night worried sick.

She insisted on coming out which is not good for her!

Mom's here?

Yes, she's here. That's right.

Wait a-- wait a minute. I am talking to you.

What the hell did you do?

What the hell were you thinking?

Come here.

I'm sorry, mom.

Come on, get in the car.

I want to stay.

What?

I want to stay.

No! absolutely not. There's no discussion here.

It's, it's just until--

Until what?

Until you get better.

Sid?

Well?

All right... But just for a while.

Okay.

- You check the food. - I will.

- Check the beds. - Okay.

- Check for rats. - Mm-hmm.

You have my permission not to listen

to anything they say.

You have to be a man.

Just pretend you're livin' with Dopey and... Dopey.

Steven, please don't ever, ever do this again.

I won't.

Mom, what's influenza?

Influenza is--

it's a cold, a very bad cold. Why?

I don't know.

Take care of him.

Yeah, we will.

Mom!

Hey!

Steven, hurry!

Steven, Lindquist!

- Hey! - Steven, come on, hurry!

- Lidz! - Steven, hurry, run, run!

Take my hand.

Let's settle this man-to-man. Come back here, you cowards!

In here, in here. Hurry!

Come back here!

Lidz, come back here! Get over here!

We gotta get away from Lindquist.

Hurry! Steven, run!

Up the stairs!

Up the stairs! Hurry!

Ah, ah, run, Steven!

Where's uncle Arthur?

It's every man for himself! Quick, there's no time!

Hey! hey! Hey!

Run!

Hey! I want to talk to you!

Come on! Come on, Steven!

Run! come on! Come on!

Hey, get back here!

Run. he's a beast.

The beast is coming!

Lidz? Lidz!

Here we go.

Come here, come here. I wanna talk to you.

No, no, no!

Open this door!

You hungry?

Boy, you've got a lot of crackers.

I had coupons.

Window? Aaah!

Baruch ata adonai

elohainu melech...

Ha-olam she-hakol nee-yeh bidvaro.

Amen.

Where did uncle Arthur go?

Well, on Tuesdays and Fridays...

He escorts blind Mr. Clements from across the hall

to the park.

Of course, he has his collecting.

Mr. Lidz, guess what?

On Friday the 23rd, three weeks,

hey, wait, wait a minute.

There's a city inspector coming to check

for fire hazards in your apartment.

And you know somethin'?

If all that junk isn't outta here,

you and yours are gonna be out in the street.

Out in the street!

I got you, Lidz. Have yourself a great day.

What are you going to do?

I don't know, I don't know. I've gotta think.

Make sure the doors are locked,

and see if you can rig up some sort of alarm system.

Wait. Me?

I don't know anything about alarm systems!

He's not going to get away with this, I assure you.

Action must be taken.

An offensive plan.

He's made a big mistake if he thinks I'm giving up so soon.

Possible ideas.

Available...

Ma... ter... i... als.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. mmm.

These are good.

Mm-hmm.

They're good. Very good.

Have you arrived at a plan yet?

Well, I'm, uh, I'm gathering information.

Excellent.

You keep me posted, hmm?

Mmm-mmm.

Umm-umm-umm.

And I flipped 'em over when they got all bubbly,

and then I gave 'em to 'em, and they came out great,

just like yours.

They were so good, mom. Arthur ate 25.

That's just wonderful, honey.

Uncle Danny loved 'em too,

but he thought they might be bugged.

They want 'em every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh they do, do they?

Oh, I better go.

Uncle Danny says we can't use one phone for too long

or else the conspirators can trace us.

Who? Steven?

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

Good-bye.

Lindquist, I got a package here.

Relax, I'm comin'!

Jesus! for cryin' out loud.

I can't even grab any rest around here.

Can't even watch a little TV, for cryin' out loud.

It's time for part two...

Of America's number one television fun game,

Truth or Consequences.

Now, here he is, the star of our show,

Bob Barker!

Hackman, tell Mr. Denmarr and Mr. Vallechin

that their packages are finally here.

I gotta get this phone.

The phone is always ringin'.

Hello? yeah, hey, hiya, honey.

What? right now? I know, but, Ruby,

Truth or Consequences is on.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, this is Lindquist. Harvey Lindquist.

Congratulations!

You just won two great tickets

to Truth or Consequences on Friday the 23rd.

Can you make it? Great.

Phase one is complete.

Those idiots are gonna make me late for

Truth or Consequences now.

Damn!

- Mr. Lindquist? - Yeah.

I'm Mr. Marshall from the city inspection department.

- Yeah. - I've come to see, uh--

yeah, apartment 2-b. You're late.

All right, listen. It's up at the top of the stairs.

You have permission to go into there.

If you have any trouble with these clowns,

you just call the police, alright?

2-b, top of the stairs. You're late, get up there.

Hello! you must be from the city?

Yes.

Well, yes, Mr. Marshall.

Well, we've been expecting you. Do come in.

May I take your hat?

Did you have a difficult time finding the place?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Sugar? Cream?

And what happened?

It was great.

He was in and out in 20 minutes.

Yeah. let me.

I suggested he recommend Mr. Harvey Lindquist

for mandatory psychiatric care.

And he said, get this... He would think about it.

Our Steven has a rare gift.

Steven! Oh, yes, he does.

Steven. Is that your real name?

Yeah.

All right, now hang up. We've angered them.

There's gonna be repercussions.

Mommy! mommy, look what came in the mail today.

Oh, wow. Let's see.

"Confidential and personal."

Sandy, come over here.

I need you for a moment.

Okay.

Oh, my god!

He's becoming one of them.

I station myself here

to catch all the lost balls of the city

that are washed down the gutters and the sewers.

Then what do you do with 'em?

I save 'em.

I don't trade the balls ever.

Why not?

Because they're special.

You know how... How seashells hold

the sounds of the ocean?

Yeah, yeah.

I think balls hold the sounds of the children

who bounce them.

See, but... It's very faint.

See?

I think only dogs can hear it.

Uncle Arthur!

Here I am.

Hey, uncle Arthur, look.

It's much easier with this. The ball falls into the net,

and the water flows out.

Say, if there were two balls, you wouldn't be able

to catch 'em regularly.

You're a genius!

Hey, mom,

uncle Danny said the Lindquist solution

I thought of was genius.

We switched the numbers on the door,

completely fooled the inspector.

It was so great.

Really, dear? That just sounds wonderful.

I am so glad you could help your uncles.

- Me too. - Sid!

Well, I have to hang up now.

Mr. Clements is coming back.

I'll call back later, okay?

I love you, mom. Bye.

Wha-- Steven.

Steven? Steven.

Oh, god. Sidney!

Steven.

Hi, dad.

- Hello, Sidney. - What is this?

Oh, electrical tape. My glasses broke.

You don't wear glasses.

He's disguising himself.

It's a minor precaution in case of repercussions.

It's nothing to worry about, Sid.

Now, come on.

What's in the bag?

Oh, it's a present for mommy.

It's a record of one of her favorite songs,

"My Reverie."

It's this old 79.

You mean a 78.

No, this one's 79. It's on the label.

Listen, Arthur, there's no such thing as a 79.

Records are 33, 45 and 78 rpm.

Yeah, but this one's 79.

It's faster.

What do you mean, it's faster?

It's a little faster.

I'm telling you, records don't go faster than 78.

Well, this one's 79. It says.

Arthur, Arthur, the turntable determines the speed,

not the record.

Maybe where you come from.

What do you mean, where I come from?

I come from where you come from.

No, no, you come from the land of the dense,

the tribe of the girgashite.

What does that mean? I'd like to know.

It means what it means.

It doesn't mean anything. It's beyond meaning.

It doesn't mean anything to you.

You see what can happen to an undisciplined mind? Hmm?

Dad, it is a 78 rpm.

I know that.

But it cost 79 cents. See?

There you go.

All right.

Watch your step.

Don't step on the cracks.

I think she's in one, two, three--

She's 18 from Levy.

I think it's--Danny, she's in the fourth row, I think.

Eighteen from Levy.

All right? Arthur?

Eighteen from Levy.

Yeah.

There's Levy.

There's Levy.

That's Israel.

No, Levy behind it.

She would've liked him.

Oh, she would've loved him.

Our Steven has a rare gift.

Well, a blind man can see that.

But that name, Steven, is so ordinary.

It lacks something.

I know. I wasn't gonna say anything, but--

- it should be changed. - Change my name?

Danny, that's enough.

He's a Lidz, Sidney.

He should be named after an ancestor.

Don't you think she has enough presents, Arthur?

It's her birthday, Sidney.

Here, you see? It's makeup.

A powder puff.

So, ma, if you feel sad, you can put on a little makeup,

make you feel better.

Happy birthday, mom.

Happy birthday.

That was Steven.

I've got it.

What?

Franz.

Franz Lidz.

It has a ring to it.

Franz. yeah, Franz. Wow!

First of all, Franz Liszt is not an ancestor.

Second of all, his name was spelled s-z-t not d-z.

Well, those Ellis Island idiots got it wrong!

Yeah. They were bad spellers.

Franz Lidz!

Oh, you're the one to look out for.

- His name is Steven. - Oh, Franz.

Yes, you're the one to watch!

- His name is Steven. - What about a middle name?

I should just take a rocket to Venus.

Maybe I can find some intelligent life there.

- You should pack a good lunch. - What?

Yeah, he's right. It's a long trip.

Yeah. you might not like what they got to eat there.

Come on, Steven! Come on.

You're Franz.

Franz.

Say it, say it. Franz Lidz!

Franz!

Franz!

Franz Lidz!

I am Franz!

Hi, Franz.

Amen.

Amen.

When did this start?

- More coffee? - Please.

Just wanna let you know, this'll be another 20 cents.

Wait a minute. The sign here says,

"coffee, all you can drink, 20 cents."

Yeah, the sign I know.

It means that that's all you can drink for 20 cents.

No one in their right mind would read it that way.

- I did. - You see?

That just proves my point.

Well, you don't know, Sid. See? You don't know.

For once, can't you just admit you misread a simple sign?

Shut up. Just shut up!

May I have the salt, Franz?

His name is Steven!

What are you doing teaching my son to pray?

You had no right! Everything I stand for...

Is to be able to have these kids to believe

in their own abilities,

not some fairy story about God in heaven!

You know where heaven is? In the minds of morons.

Well, you're wrong, Sidney.

You're wrong, because when you desert the beliefs

of your father, you're in Gehenna, Sidney.

Now, it happens. One day--

Bullshit!

What's Gehenna?

It's the valley of lamentation, the valley of groaning!

It's the valley south of Jerusalem where

they burn their garbage.

It's not garbage, it's junk.

Religion is a crutch. Only cripples need crutches.

A crutch isn't bad if you need it, Sidney.

Yeah.

All of us are cripples in some way.

Well, I'm not!

Your mother and I have decided you're coming home.

- What? - Ooh!

We'll drop Danny and Arthur off,

and then you're going home.

Enough's enough. Summer's over.

Now, finish up.

I don't want to hit traffic.

But I don't wanna go!

Your mother and I want you home,

and that's the end of it.

This for the lady, with the tip.

All the coffee she wants.

Mmm.

Sweetie!

Hi!

Hi.

Hi!

Ah, that is some outfit.

Yeah.

Come here. Gimme a hug.

You know, I'm feeling much better.

We have your father to thank.

He's been blasting me with positive ions.

Ooh! ooh!

Seems to be working.

Maybe we should try it on your uncle Danny.

Careful, that's Steven's rabbi you're joking about.

Dad, my name is Franz now.

What?

Franz. Well, uncle Danny said I needed a new name,

so he gave me Franz.

Franz? Franz Lidz? Oh, Steven!

Franz, mom. Franz.

- Sid? - Don't look at me.

Danny's got him reciting the torah in a coffee shop.

Dad, it's not the torah.

And if I told you once I told you a hundred times

to keep the windows closed.

He also said that I should be bar mitzvahed

if I want to become a man.

- What? - that's ridiculous!

We need our rituals to rise above the patterns of history.

Who said that?

I did.

- What does it mean? - It means what it means.

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

of the United States of America,

and to the Republic for which it stands,

one moment! Class!

Class! class!

Steven Lidz!

Steven, wait! What are you doing?

My name is Franz.

The attendance card here says your name is Steven.

Call me Franz or call me nothing.

Excuse me.

Let's go, mister. Let's go. Let's go.

Would you all please take your seats?

Okay, Steven. What do you think you're singing?

"The Internationale." It's one of my uncle's favorite songs.

Well, that is very nice,

and maybe you can sing that for us for show-and-tell,

but right now,

we are all reciting the pledge of allegiance.

I can't do that. It's against my beliefs.

Your beliefs? What does that mean?

It means what it means.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

How can I pledge my allegiance to a country that suffers

fools and mediocrity?

Not to mention crucifying the Rosenbergs!

S-Steven!

Let's hear it for Franz! Come on!

Whoo! Franz.

All right, class, that's enough.

Yea, Franz! Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Lidz, wait up.

Hey, that was pretty cool what you said in class.

You should run for president again.

Nancy Oppenheim said the same thing.

What'd you say?

I declined the nomination.

That's cool. Where you goin'?

The spillway.

I was thinking of fishing for lost balls.

- Wanna come? - Yeah!

Come here, I'll show you the way.

My real name's Ashley William Robinson,

but I only answer to Ash.

My father shot himself.

I know.

I found the body. It was really bloody.

My mom's dying.

Yeah, I heard about that.

That means you'll probably get a dog.

Why?

I don't know. It's just they always give kids dogs

when their parents croak.

Rabbi Blaustein?

Yes?

I'm Franz Lidz.

Good. come on in. Sit down.

Mmm.

What would've happened if I hadn't called?

Steven should've been here.

Where the hell is he? Studying the torah?

Don't blame him. It's not his fault.

I don't see what harm it's gonna do.

It's hypocritical. We're not practicing Jews.

It's what he believes in.

He doesn't know what he believes.

My brothers filled him with all that junk.

Maybe they're right for once. What would you know?

You work ten hours a day, then you lock yourself up

in that workshop.

What do you know about the world?

Maybe there is a god.

Or maybe some of us want to believe there is.

I can't talk about this anymore.

Let's get in the car. Okay?

The doctor's on his way.

This is the last time, Sid. I'm not going back.

No more hospitals. That's it.

Is your uncle really crazy?

Which one? Uncle Danny or uncle Arthur?

I'll take care of this.

All right.

Who is it?

It's me, uncle Danny. Franz.

Ah, Franz.

What? no.

No. no, wait.

Wait, uncle Danny. Listen to me.

No, i-it's okay. He's with me.

He's one of us.

Oh, well, then, I'm sure he won't mind

answering a few questions.

No, of course not.

How many trustworthy people are there in the world?

Eight. Eight.

Um, eight.

Uh-huh. okay.

Which of your cohorts is a fascist smearmonger?

I got this. That'd be Ralph Crispi, sir.

Come on. Hurry. Hurry up.

Come on.

Here, uncle Danny. The rabbi says he needs

your signature here and here.

What is that, a disease?

No, it's a pimple.

- Uncle Danny? - Huh?

I need your signature here.

Oh, yes, yes. I'll look at this.

Thanks.

Yes.

When's he gonna do somethin' really nutsy?

I don't know. I can't wind him up like a toy.

Got an idea... A really good idea.

That's it. It's perfect.

I don't know.

Well, go on, just stick it under the door

and say someone delivered it.

I don't want to.

It's just a joke. Come on.

- I don't know. - Go on.

Here you are. How's your studies going?

Um, Th-they're goin' fine. Fine.

What's that?

Oh, it's, it's nothing. It's just--

Somebody slipped it under the door.

When?

While you were in your room.

Uncle Danny.

He's freaking out.

What the hell happened, huh?

He locked himself inside his room.

- What's goin' on? - He won't come out.

Arthur?

Yeah?

Arthur!

Yeah?

Arthur?

Yeah?

What's goin' on?

He's in the room and he won't come out.

Danny?

Danny, open the door.

Danny, stop this nonsense and open the door.

No, no, don't. You're gonna frighten him.

You'll frighten him.

Danny? Danny? Danny, enough already!

Open the door!

Sidney, you're scarin' him.

What do you want me to do, Arthur?

I'm taking care of it, all right?

Danny, open the door!

Danny, I'm gonna break down the damn door

if you don't open it!

You all right?

I have to go. I have to leave now.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna go now.

All right.

Should I get your coat?

Danny, wait. Where, where're you goin'?

I'll go.

Wow! this guy is really nuts!

He's really nuts!

No, he's not!

- Steven! - Steven!

C'mon, we're gonna be late.

We still have to pick up your mother, let's go.

Wait, you're not taking the movie camera?

No.

Why not? You mean, you're not gonna film

my bar mitzvah?

We need to get through this as easily as possible today.

Let's not make it complicated. Just get in the car, okay?

But--I bet mom would like to have it on film.

I said no.

But--

Well, is uncle Danny coming?

No.

Why not?

'Cause he can't, that's why not.

He committed himself last night.

Good. Good.

Oh, honey, please don't.

I--baby, I look so awful.

Come on, mom.

Ahh. no, you don't.

- Oh, baby. - You look beautiful.

So how you doing, kiddo?

Okay.

You feel like a man yet?

Not really.

You think uncle Danny'll get better?

I don't know, honey.

I'm sure he missed being here very much.

You know, you could go see him.

I was thinking tomorrow I would make pancakes.

Would you like that?

Sure, but...

Y-you don't have to make breakfast.

I can make you pancakes just like yours.

Ooh.

You make 'em that good, huh?

You know, I am so proud of you.

Do you know how proud I am?

Would you just do me one favor?

Try to love your dad a bit more.

It's not easy being from another planet.

Mom.

A-are you--

Are you dying?

Yes, I am, Franz.

I'm so sorry.

Uncle Danny?

Franz!

Good to see you.

Uncle Danny, there's something I wanna tell you.

What?

We wrote that note, me and ash.

Ahh.

It was a mean joke.

I'm really, really sorry. This is all my fault.

No, no, no.

Don't be sorry. I'm grateful to you.

You ended it. See, I didn't know how.

Oh, really?

Well, then, you can come home, right?

No, no, I can't.

But--

B-but uncle Arthur needs you. He's lost without you.

You should be with your brother.

- Well, I can't. - Why not?

Are you still hiding from conspirators?

There's no conspiracy!

Now, listen. Are you listening?

You forget about me.

You're gonna be busy enough with your father.

He's the one that needs you now.

No, he doesn't!

Yes, he does. Franz, don't you see?

People, they get trapped in their own history

unless someone shows them a way out.

But I don't know how.

Oh, don't you worry. You're gonna figure a way.

Remember, you're the one to watch.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You're the one to watch.

No, stir it like this so the egg gets

all mushied in.

He dances like you.

Yeah, like that. C'mere. Follow me.

You wanna take this batter, make sure it's not dripping,

quickly--

- What? - The record's gonna skip.

I'll go.

No, I'll get it. I'll get it.

What we gotta do is we gotta make--

We gotta make sure these are doin' good.

They look good. Just a little bit more though.

Hey, mommy.

You're a good helper.

Thank you.

What about, um, rectangles?

Yeah, you can make rectangle shapes.

You can make all different kinds of shapes.

- Triangle? - Yeah, any kind.

You're a great cook.

You're a great mom.

- Even a square? - Yeah, even a square.

Oooh, yuck. Gross.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Great helper.

We made them! Look!

Where's mom?

I'll go get her. You kids start eating.

Maybe a dog.

Something to make happiness in the house.

A little levity.

It'll be better than all this gloom and doom, you know?

She just died.

I don't want to see them hurtin'.

And this right here, it's a bolt.

It's a bolt you could use as a lock.

Come outside with me.

What the hell do you think you're doing, huh?

Let go of me!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Stop it, now! Give it to me!

But you said documentation is important.

Forget what I said!

I put up with this nonsense with you

when your mother was alive.

But no more! Your name is Steven.

My name is Franz.

Steven! she picked it out,

and she asked me if I thought it was a good name.

I said, "yes, it's a good name."

It was her brother's name.

Now, no more. Just stop it.

Your name is Steven.

Anyway, look. Laundry, baby-sitting,

food, we're here.

We're here for you. We're family.

You call us, please. Bye, baby.

Aw, darling. All right.

Okay. bye, bye. Bye.

Go upstairs... To your uncle Arthur, okay?

Steven?

Steven.

Steven?

Steven?

Steven?

Steven?

Can I help you?

I, I know where I'm going.

Sir!

Where is he?

Who?

Steven! Where is he?

I don't know what the hell he's thinking.

Where're we going?

I have no idea where we're going.

Arthur, did you see him leaving?

The last time I saw him he was by the junk cans.

What was he doin'?

He was takin' the movies out.

What? You didn't tell me that, Arthur!

Well, you didn't ask me what he was doing.

You know, it's not right to throw memories away, Sidney.

He just needs to say good-bye.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't shut it off.

I... couldn't find you.

I'm... I'm sorry, dad.

What do you have there?

Mmm, just a bunch of different ones.

They're not labeled.

I think... We should label them.

Documentation. they should be labeled.

Okay. Well, tomorrow I'll do that.