All language subtitles for YouTube Penny Points to Paradise Peter Sellers 1951

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Come on, Spike, wake up, we're here.

- Spike, Spike.

Are you in?

Oh dear, I'll get you out in
a minute Spike, don't worry.

Read the paper, look, I
got something to read.

I'll check for keys.

I can't find my keys, Spike.

I'll have you out in a moment of time.

Get you out of here in a minute Spike,

don't you worry about that.

I'm fixing you...

Ah, have anything to declare?

Trying to smuggle heads into Brighton, eh?

You know heads aren't allowed in Brighton.

- Do you mind unpacking me now, Harry?

Yes, Spike.

- Look, here's a man who's won L100,000.

He's coming here, to this boarding house,

where we are the only two females.

Oh, besides Mrs Brown, of course.

- Yes, and you can always poison her.

I don't think you're
taking me seriously.

- You're so right, Christine.

Here you are, all set to
chase a man for his money

and you don't even know
what he looks like.

- But I do.

Look, here's a picture
of him on the front page.

- What is it, the Exchange & Mart?

What's he advertising, weed killer?

Ah, there
you are, Mr Flakers.

How are you?

- Oh hello, Mrs Brown.

You must be Mr Donnelly.

- Yes.
- How do you do?

How do you do?

- How nice to have you with us again.

And I'm glad to see you're
not too grand to stay here

after winning all that money.

But as I said to myself
when I saw it in the papers,

I said, "I wonder if we
should see Mr Flakers,"

or whether everything
was majestic this time.

But you're not one to be spoiled
by a bit of luck, are you?

No, of course not.

Well, would you like to see your rooms?

I expect you guys to change before lunch.

I'll show you out myself, come along.

Here we are, best room in the house.

Nothing's too good for you.

- That's what we've always had.

- What?
- Nothing.

Silly boy.

Well, I expect you'd like to
unpack and get settled in.

I hope you'll be comfortable.

I must fly, all my other guests,

you know I like to keep them happy,

and the services you get nowadays

aren't what they used to be, are they?

Pictures of boyfriends,
all they think about.

Oh well, nice getting all your news.

See you at lunch.

- Certainly glad she's...

Just let me know if
there's anything you want

and I can make my little
place a home from home.

I bet she was vaccinated
with a grammaphone needle.

- The blunt end?

- No, probably the arm.

- Well, here we are at last, Harry.

I think I'll take this bed.

It appears to have heather linen.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

- Lovely money, make the bets,

hey pick a card, Spike, pick a card, huh?

Pick a card.

- Look, I wish you wouldn't carry

your winnings around
with you, it's not safe.

- Not safe, why?

You think I'm gonna rob myself?

- No, no, no.

What I mean is you should
put all this in a bank.

- A bank?
- Yes!

That's the last place
to put it, in a safe.

Do you realize how many
banks are going broke lately?

- No.

- Yeah, there's hundreds of them.

There's the...

- Well?

- The Clydebank, the Dogger Bank,

and the banks of Loch Lomond

can hardly keep their heads above water.

Even the blood bank is
asking for donations.

- Yes, but Harry...

- But don't try and influence me.

You've heard of inflation?

- Of what?

Bicycle tires, observation
balloons, whoopee cushions.

Suppose I put the money in a bank,

then what happens?

- Well...

- No, don't interrupt!

Before I know it,

the bank manager's
persuading me to buy shares.

That's a terrible idea, I
spend half my money on shares.

Then what happens?

- What?

If the bottom starts
falling out of the market.

Every day prices are lowered.

Oh my, this is awful!

I've lost half my budget!

- Not that, Harry, no!

- Worse, the markets are crashing.

Wall Street, Threadneedle
Street, The Boss, we're finished!

- We gotta do something.

- Ruin is staring us in the face!

- Yes, I know.

- Spike!

I'll call my broker to attempt a sellout

and save some from the crash.

Harry, wait a minute, you
haven't even got a broker!

I know, that makes it even
worse.

- Wait a minute Spike, I've got an idea.

- Quickly, there's not much time, tell me.

- Let's hide it somewhere in the room.

- Are you mad?

- No, no, there must be somewhere, Harry.

- Where?

- Over there.
- Okay.

Under the bed.

- Right, good luck.

- Hey, Harry, come out of there.

- Spike?

- The fireplace!
- Yeah!

- That was a close shave.

Come in!

Mrs Brown says if the
gas can don't blow up,

lunch will be ready at one.

Lunch will be ready at two.

- Here they are, now.

- Ah.

Hello.

This is Miss Sheila Gilroy,
Miss Christine Russell,

will you sit there?

- Hello.

Miss Sheila Gilroy,
Miss Christine Russell,

Mr Harry Flakers.

- I'm very happy to know you.

And last but not
least, this is the Major.

- I'm very pleased to meet you, my boy,

and welcome you into
our happy little circle.

- Thank you, thank you very much.

- Sheila...

- One doesn't have the pleasure of meeting

a football pool winner every
day of the week, you know?

- No, but you have it wrong.

It's my friend Harry, my name's Spike.

- Is it?

Well, Harry, you must be very careful

with all that money of yours.

Invest it wisely.

We must get together
and have a little chat

over one or two business matters.

Take the Suez Canal Company, for instance.

Now, as Gladstone said in 1884...

- Pea soup?

- He said nothing of the kind.

He said, "Money should be
invested wisely and surely

"in built-in securities."

Will you be staying here
very long, Mr Flakers?

Or may I call you Harry?

Please don't, Miss
Russell.

- Just Russell?

Oh, but that's not at all friendly.

I want you to call me Christine.

- Okay, Christine.

- Do you find many people

chasing you for your money, Mr Flakers?

Oh no, who'd chase
after me for my money?

- Hmm, British Consul's lost half a point.

Burmese Railway seemed rather unsteady.

Mexican Peso's down four points.

Ah, here's an interesting
guide to the news.

The popular press informs us, I quote:

"Mr Harry Flakers, the recent winner

"of the record football
dividend is content,

"he tells our representative,

"to spend his holiday as
he's always done in the past,

"in the same modest little
guest house in Brighton.

"He is et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera," I unquote.

What a fortunate fellow, this
Mr Harry Flakers is.

He should always remember
something that was told to me,

oh some time ago, by a roommate of mine.

Yeah, at Wormwood Scrubs?

Wormwood, no no, I think
it was Strangeways actually.

Yes, he said to me, "Edward,
my son, my old man of course.

"Edward my son," and here I quote.

"Boy, if ever want to go
for a laugh without trouble,

"you've got to put your nose to the wheel,

"your shoulder to the grindstone,

"your back to the wall."

Rather peculiar shape,
the old man of course.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

With regards to Mr Harry Flakers,

I rather feel that our need
is greater than his, eh?

Yes, I think a trip to bracing Brighton

would prove most beneficial.

Physically, morally, and
possibly financially.

What do you say, my learned moron, hmm?

- Hey, big in.

What do you think of this?

What seems to be
prating of the smooth surface

of your delinquent equilibrium, hmm?

- Look, can that stuff.

How do you think these fivers are coming?

- Fast and spurious, I hope.

Pity they're all the same number.

Still, we must not be too critical, eh?

I'm quite confident the peasantry

will provide the usual in
discriminating victims?

- Blimey, I hope so.

That's the only sort of money we've got.

- Yes, you've said.

And now my friend, we must
budget our Brighton enterprise.

- Enterprise?

What's the caper this time, sport?

The caper, my friend.

As I discussed before, Operation Flakers.

Now, we shall require

two return tickets to
Brighton, first class.

Shall we say, L5 eh?

Accommodation at the
modest little guest house.

With full board.

Yes, yes, yes.

Liquid refreshments.

Bully for you, laddy.

And now, the little incidental expenses

one is apt to incur, eh?

- Cigarette, Spike?

- No thanks, Harry.

The old place hasn't
changed much, has it?

- No, not even the sheets.

- Ah, there you are Harry, my boy.

- Ah, the Major.

- Yes now, about that little drink

we were going to have together.

I've been thinking honestly

about that vast sum of money of yours.

Now, as I was saying earlier,

I have a few business contacts.

- No Major, it's my friend Harry you want.

- Is it?

- Yes.

He's got the spondulix.

- Spondulix!

A dreadful disease.

- No Major, the spondulix.

- In the fingers?

Oh, the worst place you can have it!

It travels straight up the
brain, and crumbles the arm.

No no, no.

It travels up the arm
and crumbles the brain.

Yes, pretty horrible, anyway.

But as I was saying, about
that money of yours my boy.

I suggest that you invest it wisely.

Now, when I was financial advisor

to the Kirkintilloch Distillery,

Mr Overproof's managing
director used to say to me...

Ah ha, what's this?

Secret drinking session?

- How did you know?

Oh it's you, my dear.

Well, we can't discuss business matters

when ladies are present, can we?

We'll continue our little chat later.

- Yes, yes.

- Spondulix.

- Well, what are you boys doing tonight?

- Well, we were thinking of

going for a walk and stretching our legs.

They're made of rubber, you know?

Stretching legs!

- Sheila and I are going to a show

and we thought you might
like to come along.

- Hey, that's a great idea, Spike.

How about making up a foursome, huh?

- Well I don't know.

I was gonna go to the museum.

- The museum?

- Yes, museum.

I like museums, you know
when I get in a museum,

you just can't get me out.

- You mean they won't let you out.

- Museum, well isn't that a coincidence?

Sheila was just saying how
much she loves museums.

That makes everything fine.

- What?

- Well you and Spike can go to the museum,

and Harry and I will go to the theater.

- Hey, wait a minute.

I'm not going to the museum,

I'm going to the theater.

I want to see the show too, Christine.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it Spike.

Why not stick to my original suggestion

and all make up a foursome?

- All right, anything for peace and quiet.

- Well all right, then.

Come along, Sheila.

We're going to get ready.

Goodbye Harrykins.
- Bye.

See you in half an hour.

Bye, Harry.

- Well, Spike.

She loves me.

She's wonderful.

- Wonderful nothing.

Take away her lovely blonde
hair and what have you got?

The most beautiful
bald-headed woman in Brighton.

- Well anyhow, I hope she doesn't sting us

for any expensive seats.

Oh don't worry about
that Spike, I'll pay.

- You sure you can manage, Harry?

You're down to your
last 100,000, you know?

Well Spike, you know
I've got to get ready.

I need a shave.

- Harry, do you mind just a moment, laddy?

Tight.

Harry, do you mind?

Harry!

- Stop pushing!

A fine thing

expecting me to spend an
evening at the museum.

- Well I thought it would be

a good chance to get Harry alone.

I work better without a crowd around.

- I don't doubt it.

You'd still get him with your seams' end.

- Of course, why not?

- Oh, no reason that you could see.

- What do you mean by that?

Well, having seen
the prospective victim,

I've come to the conclusion
that he's quite nice.

- L100,000 is quite nice.

Well I don't know, it seems
like a mean trick, Christine.

- Oh I don't know.

Wouldn't you do the same
if you were in my shoes?

No I wouldn't, not to a
sweet-natured boy like Harry.

He's obviously sensitive
and could easily be hurt.

- Now you wouldn't be getting

interested yourself, would you?

- Of course not.

- Oh, of course not.

Better mind you don't.

I've made up my mind and I
don't want you cutting in.

- You can't say that, Christine,

maybe you're not his type.

- I wonder what type he really likes.

I wonder if he likes those
coy, shy kind of women?

I shouldn't think so.

Look, I'll tell you what, Sheila.

We'll try the neurotic
Bette Davis type of woman.

We'll see how he likes that.

Now you're Harry, and I'm neurotic,

and I'm Bette Davis.

Oh Harry, how I'd love for you to come,

and how lovely of you to ask me out.

Oh of course, I'd love to,

if for a moment, I'll get cigarettes.

No, I don't think
that's his type at all.

- Well, how about Gloria Swanson.

Swanson in her heyday.

How about that?

- Oh come on, let's hurry.

- They'll be waiting.

- Relax Harry, relax.

Haven't you ever taken a girl out before?

- No.

Look at you, you're
shaking like a surgeon

at his first operation.

- That's no laughing matter,

that happens to be a very
nerve-wracking experience.

- Really?
- Yes, indeed.

Tell me more.

- Have you ever seen an operation?

- No.

- Ever seen another surgeon in operation?

- No.

- I'll tell you about it, sit down.

It happened to a friend of mine once.

He was a surgeon at a very
big London hospital, you see.

Imagine it, the scene,

the operating theater of
a big London hospital,

all around are tiers upon tiers

of medical students watching him,

waiting for him to make his
first mistake.

In front is the patient
laid out for the operation,

covered in a big, white sheet.

And on the left, on
the left stands a nurse

with all the instruments of torture.

Now he's very nervous,
he's very embarrassed,

and it's his first operation.

He's just coming into the
operating theater.

"Hello."

"Thank you, nurse."

"Don't want to look nervous."

- Very good, Harry.

Very good Harry, very good.

You can only take out what you put in, eh?

Hey, what's the time?

Hey it's late, Spike, what
happened to those girls?

- Well I shouldn't worry,

I suppose they're upstairs getting ready,

you know how girls are?

Hey, I like Christine,
but she frightens me.

- Really?

- She's a big girl, isn't she?

She's strong, see their arms?

Well I assume that'll make
a monkey out of you, Harry.

Oh we're gonna make a
monkey out of me, Spike,

no indeed.

Hello boys, making
yourselves at home I see.

- Hello, Christine.

- Hello.

- My, you look lovely tonight.

That's a beautiful perfume
you're wearing, too, isn't it?

It's Sabu isn't it?

- No, it's Tabu.

- Oh no, you can't fool me.

I know it anywhere, that's Sabu.

Harry, it's Tabu, Sabu is
the boy that washes elephants.

- Can you think of anyone

that needs perfume more than he does?

Oh well, let's go.

Well my friend, did
you see who that was?

- Who?

- That my friend was the man

with over L100,000, Harry Flakers.

- Well what are we waiting for?

Ah not so quick my
impetuous friend, not so fast.

We should make his
acquaintance in due course.

In the meantime, please
ring the bell, would you?

Good day to you madam.

- How do you do?

Can I help you?

I sincerely hope so
madam, I sincerely hope so.

My friend and I are seeking refuge

from the hurly-burly
of the great metropolis

and we hope to find accommodation

in your charming residence.

We've heard so much praise of you

that it would break our hearts
if we had to go elsewhere,

it would absolutely break our hearts.

Well I have a double room
if you don't mind sharing,

it's a very nice room.

- Oh splendid madam, splendid.

My colleague and I have
so much do discuss,

business, you know, that sharing a room

wouldn't inconvenience us whatsoever.

Well then, if you'll
just sign the register,

I'll take you up myself.

- Of course, madam.

Name: Edward Haynes.

Address: London West.

Occupation: printer,
engraver, and duplicator.

Make your mark, Mr Graves.

Your full name.

- Why don't you drop dead.

- Later laddy, later.

Mrs Brown, you must be very
busy this time of year.

I have great admiration
for people like you,

who run things so efficiently.

- Well I do my best.

Now if you'll come along,
I'll show you the way.

It's the first floor.

We have some charming people staying here,

but they're all out at the moment.

Probably enjoying the
winter sunshine, Mrs Brown.

You'll never guess who's
in the next room to you.

- Shah of Persia, perhaps?

- Oh no.

- Not the Shah of Persia, then whom?

- The young Mr Flakers,

the gentleman that won all the
money in the football pool.

- Blimey, what a turnout for the book.

- I beg your pardon?

My friend's referring
to the bookies, right,

he's a literary gentleman,

quite unsuccessful of course.

I think you'll find
this very comfortable,

there's a lovely view of
the sea from the window.

If you stand on a chair and lean well out.

- Splendid, splendid madam, splendid.

Laddy, you must remind me to
get a chair and try it one day.

- I remember when I first took this place.

The state of dilapidation was terrible.

The wallpaper was coming off the walls

and the paint work was...

Aren't you feeling so good, Mr Graves.

- No, been a lot of influenza about.

- Yes, I realize that, but I didn't...

- Come to think of it,

you don't look so good yourself, sister.

Nonsense, I've never had
a day's illness in my life.

- No, I'm not talking about your health.

I just said you don't look so good.

- Well I...

- Doesn't make any difference.

One day you're laughing
and happy, just like me.

Then all of a sudden, bingo.

- Bingo?

- Open your trap.

Say "Ahh."

- "Ahh."

- Take it easy.

- Good heavens, good heavens.

What's this scoundrel done to you.

Silence, stand apace, lackey!

Now dear.

- He made me open my mouth.

- Oh, that wasn't very difficult.

- No, but he made me say "Ahh!"

- And here we go again!
- Stop it!

Give me that filthy stuff.

Madam, madam, please
compose yourself, madam.

I shall see that you're
compensated for this deed.

Fear not, you will be compensated in cash.

As soon as we can get the
machine working.

Now then, puddinghead,

what rubbishy concoction
was in this bottle?

- Brandy!

Brandy.

Brandy?

And now, laddy, now to work.

First of all, we must conceal a microphone

in our prospective client's room.

We might be able to overhear

something that can be of our advantage.

Have you all the necessary equipment?

- I bought them off a boy scout.

He needed the money for his income tax.

Come, laddy.

Let us do our good deed for
the day, shall we?

First of all, we must
conceal our microphone.

Looks very ancient, doesn't it?

- Yeah, I pinched it from the BBC.

- You might have pinched a good one

whilst you were about it.

- I would have, I only had four minutes.

- Where can I put it?

- You can stick it up there.

- Ah, the flue.

Yeah, there's been a lot
of it about, hasn't there?

Hey, do you know one man
dies every six hours of flu?

Yes,.

Hello, what have we here?

Hey, it's Mr Flakers'
little money box.

How sweet.

- What do you think?

- Very good, indeed.

Made by a very, very reputable hand.

- Yeah, who?

- The Royal Mint.

- You mean they're real?

- Yes, indeed.

Just a moment, just a moment.

Don't be so impetuous, my friend.

We must replace his hoard,

then get down to some constructive work.

- Yeah, but we can't leave this lot.

Well, it would be criminal!

All in good time,
laddy, all in good time.

Now, replace the case and
let's get back to our room.

There you will manufacture
some spurious high-pound notes,

exchange them for the genuine article,

and then we can depart
at our leisure.

- Listen, bigot, you're a terrific man,

you're a financial lizard.

- Wizard, laddy, wizard wizard.

- Oh yes, bang on, terribly, what?

- Yes, it's very, very funny.

But now, back to our machines.

Laddy!

- Could you get a bit closer, Harry?

If I was any closer,
I'd be on the other side.

- This night

and Andromeda has reached its zenith

I come to you that you may be initiated

into the last of the great arts.

The art of metabolists, Isolagenos.

Known in common speech

the hypnosis.

- It's all a trick, you know?

- Is it really?

They've got people
planted in the audience.

- Have they?

- You'll see.

- Now I want you all

to clasp your hands above
your heads like this

and concentrate on me.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

When those of you who can

unclasp your arms.

Those of you who cannot,

come up onto the stage.

Ah, this is what I require.

These people are now
completely under my control.

In my power.

Slaves, lower your hands.

You are now members of the

Bolshestoy Grand State
Philharmonic Orchestra.

You, you will rise above

the insignificant role you play in life

and will become the first violinist

of this grand orchestra.

Second violinist.

Double bass.

Cellos.

Soprano.

Brass.

Flutes.

Baritone.

Play!

d Give my life for thee d

d Without a thing d

d Will no longer think of me d

d Oh think of me d

d My Eleonora think of me d

d Without a thing d

d Will no longer of think of me d

d He will not think d

d My Eleonora d

d Farewell d

d I will think of thee d

d I will think of thee d

d I will think of thee d

Having elevated you to the
realms of celestial music,

I will now transport you to the primitive,

the bestial.

You are now the world's
heavyweight champion.

Fight!

Observe the perfect
coordination of mind and muscle,

the footwork,

the thrust to the right,

the power, the control!

This man has been
transformed against his will

into a magnificent fighting machine.

A superb specimen of primitive bestiality.

Ruthless, a killer!

But that part's cast.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

will be all for tonight.

- Oh, Harry.

Harry, darling, oh what's she done to you?

- Harry?

- How do you feel, darling?

- Where am I?

You're in the theater,
you had an accident.

But how do you feel?

- I feel as though I had an accident.

Oh, can we see the rest of the show now?

- They stopped the show.

I don't think we're very
popular around here.

- Why, the others had accidents too?

- Are you kidding?

Come on, we better get going.

- So you think all hypnotists are fakes

and everybody's planted.

- Who planted you?

Well, my mother said
the stork brought us.

- Us, there's more than one?

I'm one of triplets,
one of us is a girl.

- And what was the third?

- We never found out, it flew away.

If I had been in the cradle,
he might have done the same.

Well my dear Haynes,
I'm sure you'll find

the North Pole Coconut Corporation

is a flourishing concern.

They pay enormous dividends, you know?

Chart it up to me.

Oh no, no, no, no charge
it up to me, I insist.

- So do I, chart it up to you.

- Very good, sir.

- Well Major, back to business eh?

- Yes, of course.

Here you are, my dear sir.

One hundred shares in the
North Pole Coconut Corporation.

- Ah, fine.

And here you are, my friend.

One hundred pound in crisp
new fivers, eh?

- Well, thank you sir.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
have some friends to meet.

But of course.

Goodbye, sir.

- Goodbye.

Ah, laddy, there's
one born every minute.

- There's one born every minute

and he's bought a
horrible life in coconuts.

Ah, there you are Harry, my boy!

Let me get you a drink.

- Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry!

My name's Spike, you know my
dibis is wearing a bit thin.

- Is it, my boy?

So it is, oh well, we can
soon rectify that, can't we?

Two large gins, please.

As I was saying,

I have some shares in a
certain little tailor...

Some other time, Major,
we were just leaving.

- We weren't, but it's a good idea!

- Surely you...

- Goodnight, Major.

- Good luck to you all, then.

Poor boy with the spondurix.

- Your gin, sir.

- You'd never think it, would you?

- Think what, sir?

- Well, they all seem

to have contracted the
dreadful affliction.

- What affliction, sir?

The spondurix, one of the
most pernicious diseases.

The natives used to get
it in their bazaars.

- Very nasty place to get it, sir.

- The worst, yeah.

They used to get maddened by
dogs, we had to shoot him.

- Really?

Yes, sometimes we had
to shoot the dogs as well.

- Were they mad?

Well, they weren't very
pleased about it, you know?

- Good evening, barman.

- Good evening, sir.

A large gin, please,
I'm celebrating tonight.

- Celebrating, sir?

And what is the happy occasion?

- I've just buried my mother-in-law.

I had to, she died.

Oh, excuse me sir, but
I seem to know your face.

- You do?
- Yes.

Didn't I see you down at the Channing?

- The Channing? What Channing?

- Another large gin.

Very good, sir.

- Thank you.

Listen, you see that trophy up there?

- Yes.

- I bagged that.

- You did?
- Yes.

I shot it right between the horns.

- Ah, you nearly had me that time!

You thought I was gonna say same again.

- You heard what the man said, same again.

Very good, sir.

Well laddy, what about
a little game of cut, hm?

- Cut?

Hey, but that's a game of chance.

Chance, laddy?

Not the way I play it.

Now, a little stake, shall we say...

- Well, I'll bet you a pound.

Oh, I don't want to
see your money, laddy,

a gentleman's game.

After you.

- King!

Ah, ta ta ta, laddy, don't
show it to me.

A gentleman's game, I
don't want to see it.

Ah, the king, eh?

Ace.

- Ace?

- Oh, of course you don't believe,

you want to see it, don't you?

There you are, laddy.

Thank you.

Ah, there you are
Harry, my boy.

- Oh no.

- Now I won't take no for an answer.

You must have a drink with me.

Excuse me, would you care
to have a drink with me?

- Why?

- Why?

Because I like you.

- Yeah?

- I've got something to tell you.

- What?

- You see that fellow over there?

He's one of the finest
fellas that's ever breathes.

- Who?

- Who?

Him.

He's done more for mankind
than any other fella

ever breathed.

Oh, who?

Him!

Tell me, Harry, have you
still got the spondulix.

- Yes, I've got them here.

- Oh, in the chest now, eh?

Yes, and I've got some
here, too.

Oh dear, I knew they'd
catch you in the end.

Have you any idea who you got them from?

- Yes, I got them from

the mailing director of the foots pools.

- How you must hate him.

- Oh!

He's done more, don't go
away when I'm talking to you.

It's very rude, can't you
stand still five minutes?

- What's he done?

- What's he done?

What's he done?

I'll show you what's he's done.

- Yeah, drop dead.

A drink for you, my dear.

A little sip there, we got it now, then?

Oh I'm awfully sorry,
I'm dreadfully sorry!

Actually barman, another
brandy having less soda.

Thank you very much.

Well, that brings us
to the halfway mark,

my hardworking satellite.

- You can say that again.

- Certainly.

Well, that brings us to the halfway mark,

my hardworking sate...

- All right, bright boy.

I wish I had your head,

stuffed over my mantle piece.

Come now, let us not
lose our sense of humor,

it's better that it's not.

After all, in a very short while

we should be in possession

of a large amount of genuine currency

and then we'll be set for life.

- Well what are we waiting for?

Look at the time.

- Good heavens, 12:30!

Hurry Caxton, hurry!

Ah Harry, what do you
think of this physique?

Fine, do you think
you'll ever take the place

of the human body?

You are just jealous of my
magnificent torso, that's all.

- Oh honey, are you in there, honey?

Honey!

Madam, this is a bathroom
and not a compounded beehive.

- I'm sorry, Major.

- Oh Spike, please no, Spike.

I couldn't stand it this morning.

I couldn't stand it any morning.

You shouldn't have
drunk so much last night.

- I know.

I think I'd better get a refill,

I spent a packet last night.

- Pi pi pi pi!

Madam, this is a
bathroom and not a nursery.

- I beg your pardon.

Another night like last night
and I'll be a nervous wreck.

Come in!

- Morning boys, how you feel?

- Morning, Sheila.

Ooh, I've got a terrible head.

It's an odd shape, but
it'll pass in a crowd.

Oh not this morning dear,
I've had enough from him.

Oh well, I'm just on
my way down to town.

Anything you want?

- Oh yes, please, some morning paper.

- Morning?

- And some cigarettes.

- Some for me too.

I'm sorry, I haven't got
anything smaller, dear.

Oh it's all right, I'll
change it on the bus.

Bye.

- Bye.

Don't do that.

Hurry up, Tousen, I want my breakfast.

- Tousen ready, twenty second.

- Twenty second?

I bet you five quid you're not.

- You are.

- Ah, Mr Flakers and Mr Donnelly.

I'd like you to meet our two new guests,

Mr Haynes and Mr Graves.

- Delighted, I'm sure, delighted.

- Well Mr, delighted, I'm Harry Flakers

and this is Spike Donnelly, my pal.

- I'm delighted.

- No, he's delighted.

Mr Flakers, I'd like you to
meet my colleague, Mr Graves.

Oh, not Digger Graves
from six feet down under?

Six feet graves?

- Why don't you drop dead.

- I'm Spike Donnelly.

- And why don't you drop dead, too?

- This is a most enjoyable encounter.

Mr Flakers, Mrs Brown has
told me so much about you.

I feel as though I've
known you all my life.

I'm sure we're going to get on

very, very well together, Mr Flakers.

I trust you slept
well last night, my boy?

- Like the dead.

- Yeah, dead drunk.

You know, that poor
boy's got the spondulix.

I had a strange dream last night, Major.

- Really?

- Yes, I dreamt two men came into my room,

poured me out a whisky,
and then crept out again.

- Good lord sir, you are in a bad way.

Looks to me as though you've
got the real spondulix.

- Here you are boys, cigarettes.

Hope they'll do.

- Hello, is that the police station?

I want to report that a dud

five pound note's been passed on me.

What'd you say, a
counterfeit five pound note?

Oh, that's very serious.

Very serious matter.

Tell me this and tell me no more:

what color is it?

White?

Oh that's very significant,
very significant.

Hold on a minute, now,
until I get the book.

I have to write down the
details and the particulars.

Hold your horses now until I get the book.

Oh, what'd I do with that book?

Anyone seen me notebook, lads?

Hey, Charlie!

Charlie, did you see me notebook?

The one we keep the dart scores in.

- Go see who that is, Lucy.

- Yes, madam.

- Now I hope you've all had sufficient.

- Well speaking for myself madam,

an excellent meal, excellent,

and beautifully prepared.

- It was muck.

Yes, but beautifully prepared.

- There's a gentleman to see Mr Flakers

with an American hat.

- So what, I only wear English hats.

No, he's wearing a hat
with a small mustache.

- I prefer my hats clean shaven.

- Hey, I know this character.

Has he got a Canadian accent?

Yes, he talks like
they do on the movies.

- Then I do know him, he's a salesman.

He was here yesterday, trying to see you,

but I told him you didn't
want to buy anything.

Oh leave it to me, I can
handle these salesmen fellas.

I'll get rid of him.

- Mr Flakers?

- That's me.

- I'm glad to know you.

I see you like to joke, eh?

By the mirror's coincidence,

I happen to have with me the magnificent,

magnificent joke book.

Full of ten thousand
gags and common jokes,

a laugh in every line.

- I don't want to see it.

- You can't see it?

Obviously, you need glasses.

I represent the Wonderside Optic Company.

Try our contact lenses and
put a gleam in your eyes!

We also have spectacle frames

in all colors and sizes.

We have large, extra large,
and I wish I had bigger ears!

- If you don't leave soon,

one of us is gonna have an accident.

- Then in that case,

I represent the Rigormortis
Insurance Company.

From the cradle to the grave,

we make your accidents
worthwhile!

The more the agony, the
more the money!

- How much does it pay?

- Well, that all depends

on the size of the accident, my friend.

- Supposing he fell out of a plane?

- Without a parachute?

- Without a parachute.

- One thousand pounds.

- Without a parachute?
- Yeah.

Well suppose that I was drowned.

- Ha, even better, two thousand pounds.

- What if I was poisoned?

Then you're in luck.

If you're poisoned in a
plane that falls in the sea,

you're set for life!

- I don't want any insurance.

My friend, my friend,
think of your wife and kids.

- I haven't any.

- You haven't?

In that case my friend,

I represent the Reno Last
Chance Matrimonial Agency.

We have all types, my friend.

Redheads, deadheads, brunettes...

Why don't you go, you're
giving me a headache!

- A headache?

Oh how very fortunate for you, sir.

I represent my friend the
Wonder Atomic Aspirin Company.

Our product is guaranteed
to banish any headache.

Take two of these red pills
and your headache will vanish.

- It does?

Yes, but your hair falls out.

Don't worry, though, take
two of these green pills

and your hair grows again.

- Thank goodness for that.

- But your eyebrows fall out.

Never mind, my friend, take
three of these gray pills

and your eyebrows grow back in again.

- What's that?

- Your headache comes back.

- Oh, this is too much Mr...

- Arnold Fringe, Arnold P Fringe.

Yes Mr Fringe, you're
taken away on that.

If you don't go away,
I'll call the police!

Oh, you are the police.

- Is there any Sheila Gilroy living here?

- Sheila Gilroy?

Yeah, she's here.

- I'd like to speak to her, please.

- I'll call her.

Sheila, someone to see you!

- Oh, you wanted to see me?

- Are you Sheila Gilroy?

- Yes, that's right.

Did you pass this
five pound note down at

Thompson's Tobacconist's this morning?

Well, yes, this is my
signature on the back.

- I see.

I'm afraid I shall have
to ask a few particulars.

You see, it happens to be a forgery.

- Forgery?
- Yes.

Is there anywhere where I
could speak to you privately?

- Well, we can go into the lounge.

- Thank you very much.

Oh poor Miss Gilroy,
they're going to lock her up!

- Lock Sheila up, why?

- They're taking her away now.

- But what has she done?

- She's been passing counterfeit

five pound notes all around the town!

Counterfeit money being
passed in this establishment?

Disgraceful, I can't stay
under this roof another moment.

Laddy, upstairs and pack the bags.

We must leave immediately,

we have our reputations to consider.

And madam, would you very much mind

having the bill ready
in five minutes, please?

- Oh this'll ruin me,

it's never happened at my place before!

It's a scandal, madam,
a positive scandal!

- Harry?

- What?

- Give me your wallet.

- What for?

- Never mind, give it to me quick.

I've got a hunch, I may be wrong...

Three four one, three
four one, three four one.

These are all the same number.

They're duds.

- Duds?
- Duds.

Duds?
- Yeah.

Then you mean all the others up there?

No!

- Blimey!

- Poor boys, poor boys.

- What on earth is the matter with them?

The last throes of the
dreaded spondulix, my dear.

I must order the wreath immediately.

- Spondulix, wreathes?

They've all gone mad.

- You must realize the position

in which such an occurrence pleases me.

After all, this sort of thing

is bound to bring distasteful publicity.

When my friends in the city hear about it,

they won't like it a bit.

And so dear madam, I'm forced to depart.

- I am so sorry.

- Laddy, the luggage.

- Allow me to assist you, sir.

I often travel with

a considerable amount
of luggage, you know?

- Oh Mr Haynes?

Mr Haynes, you've left your...

Mr Haynes, you've left a five...

Five pound note.

Harry, Harry, Spike!

Look what I found, Harry, Spike!

- Duds, every one of them duds.

- We'd better tell the police.

- Tell the police what,

that a hundred thousand pounds

from the Bank of England
turned dud overnight?

- At least it'll help Sheila.

- Yeah.

- Harry, Spike, look!

Haynes and Graves are forgers.

- Forgers?

Yes, they've got a
machine that prints them.

- What?

- Harry, they've just left!

- What are we waiting for?

- Titherington, all right, Titherington.

I knew a man called Titherington once,

used to run docks at the white city,

are you a relation of his?

You're not, all right.

He was a nice fellow,
Titherington, nice fellow,

though he had a bout of jaundice.

Well Spike, it looks as
they're giving us the slip.

They've gotta find these
crooks, Harry, or we're sunk.

- Police think you're the forgers.

If we don't find them, you'll
do 10 years on Dartmouth.

- Dartmouth, that's a nice place.

There's no getting away from it!

Oh come on, these crooks
must be somewhere about.

- Let's try this way.

Yeah, but keep your
eyes open for the police.

- Police?

Nice place, Marines
Drive, nice quiet locality.

Of course we had a murder there you know,

three or four years ago.

Yes, terrible thing.

Mrs Parkins shot her husband
three times on Christmas Eve.

That was a nice present from
Santy Claus, what?

- Sheila!

Thank goodness I found
you, what happened?

- No time to explain now,

we've got to find Haynes and Graves

before the police find us.

- Look out, here they come now.

Quick, hide!

- Thank you.

- It's all right.

- Of course.

- Harry, Harry!

- Water!

- Ah there you are!

- This whole ridiculous game of charades

will cease forthwith.

You can say that again, I'm
just about ready to drop dead.

- Besides the whole thing is undignified.

Well I think we've thrown
them off the scent by now, eh?

We still have the duplicator.

That cloth of a taxi driver

should have changed the wheel by now.

We must find an exit and
get out of this madhouse

post haste.

I trust our friend Mr Flakers

will have a satisfactory
answer to the police

for the ownership of
those dud five pound notes

we've planted on him, eh?

Come laddy, let's blow.

- Just a minute,

I'd like you two gentlemen to
accompany me to the station.

- Yes of course, just a moment laddy,

hang on a moment, would you?

- Very good, sir.

Hey, you!

Well fellas, that lets
us out, doesn't it, eh?

- My dear fellow, I say,

I hope this little skirmish
has done your spondulix

a part of good.

- Indeed it has, Major.

- And dear boy, don't worry too much

about those two scoundrels.

The police always get their man.

- You know something Major?

- What's that?

The Northwest Mounted
always get their one!

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