Original subtitles

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1 - Synced & corrected by L0tech - -- www.MY-SUBS.com --

Once we clear Keasbey,

it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway

until we hit the Pine Barrens.

And let me tell you, the Pine Barrens

is some forest primeval shit.

Sean has invited us to his family's cabin

in the New Jersey woodlands.

The Pine Barrens.

Which is the same thing.

For a weekend hunting trip.

We vampires do not hunt.

Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans.

Does that count, though?

Nothing wrong

with a long weekend away from the ladies.

"We dem boys," am I right?

- Yes. - Indeed, but remember,

Nandor and I need to be back

no later than 5:00 a. m. on Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs at the railroad.

You're like a broken record, Laz.

Yes, we them boys who work at the railroad.

You know,

that kid looks like the spitting image of Colin Robinson.

It's like Little Baby Dilbert over here.

Well, as we mentioned before,

Colin Robinson is the child's uncle,

so according to genetics, that story makes perfect sense.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, cornbread, what you playing back there?

Oh, no. What the fuck...

Oh, it's a game called "Welcome to Bloxburg,"

and it's a game on Roblox

and you can build your own house

or get a job like a pizza maker or woodcutter

or insurance adjust...

You look very nice in the bath. Look at you.

- Thank you, honey. - With the boys being away

on this hunting trip with Sean,

it is just so... ...nice

to have the house to myself for a change.

To ourselves. There's two of us.

Oh, yes. Of course.

It's really nice to have the whole house to myself,

for once.

Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Baby Colin are all gone,

I get to choose what I want to do for a change.

We really needed a break from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,

and the small weird creature

that clawed its way out of the abdominal cavity

of our deceased former friend Colin Robinson.

It's rare that anyone leaves me alone,

so I'm gonna have my family over tomorrow night.

I've been putting it off for, like...

12 years?

This house, it can be a lot of male energy.

Oh. I mean, duh.

So while they're off in the forest,

we will be having a good, old-fashioned

sloppy girls' night at home.

- Yes. - And you know,

I think the weekend will be very good for the boys, too.

Did you want to help with the bags?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you. - Thank you.

Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently.

You know, for the past one or two or...

actually, about 80 years.

You want to help with the door?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you. - Thank you.

It's good that they're going to have a chance to reconnect.

Put all the bags in there, all right?

Eesh.

Now, that up there,

I got that when I was 14.

Took me nine shots, but I got it.

First time I ever saw something die.

But it wouldn't be the last.

Well, marksmanship clearly runs in the family.

That's a very impressive collection of firearms.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's mostly my granddad's.

He started collecting them when he bought the cabin

from this Polish guy he used to bowl with,

you know, before the cataracts.

It's always sad when a Polish fellow gets cataracts.

No, I think what Sean is saying

is that his grandfather got the cataracts,

which is why he could no longer do bowling

- with the Polish fellow. - Actually,

- the problem was... - No, no, hold on, Sean. No.

The Polish fellow got the cataracts,

ending his bowling career,

cutting his income,

forcing him to sell this cabin, clearly.

The problem with Laszlo

is that he cannot admit that there's something

that even he does not know.

He thinks that he knows all things.

And if there's one thing I cannot abide,

it is someone who's a know-it-all-things.

- Actually... - If I could just take a moment, Sean,

I know a thing or two about fellows,

and I would say it is more than likely

that the Polish fellow went bowling with other fellows for fun

and not for his livelihood.

Nandor's problem is

he has a bird-sized brain

in a mammoth-sized body.

Wouldn't you say?

Well, you see, that theory betrays an ignorance...

- Oh... - for the many Polish fellows

that have done very well vis-à-vis

bowling competition money.

Agree to disagree.

Boy, do your thing.

Hey, Siri, search "Polish bowlers top cash prize earners."

Okay, I found this on the web

for "bowling Polish top cash prize earners."

- Check it out. - Yes?

It's a Wikipedia page for someone called Daria Pajak.

Read the page.

"Daria Pajak is a professional bowling player

- from Poland..." - From Poland.

"who competes on the professional women's bowling..."

- That's right, my boy. - Shut up!

- Hey! - Very mature.

- Right. - So, what are we doing?

Time for a little hunting of our own.

The most dangerous game...

- Hunting humans... - The hunters become the hunted.

Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me.

Eesh.

I have recently been experimenting

with echolocation.

- Hey, Lazzo, guess what? - What?

I need more Robux to buy gamer wings for my avatar

- because guess what? - What?

- I already have the Gamer Cloak. - Enough.

You're going to scare away the humans.

Silence is the hunter's greatest weapon.

And you're shitting all over it.

Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent.

You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz

- taking care of you. - I guess.

Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.

Are you kidding me? He loves you.

He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up

to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore."

Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS.

Do you think I'm boring?

What? You got your little computer pad,

and a... stick.

And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right?

What else do you like doing?

Well, I like to go into the basement in the house

and smash holes into the wall with a hammer.

Like, really hard.

Just over and over again.

Just smashing and smashing

and smashing, and I can't help it.

It makes me feel good.

But like, only walls, right?

You don't like, uh...

smashinga person or something?

So our evening is off to a wonderful start.

♪ There's a girl in the village With one very small foot. ♪

Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us,

and she fits right in.

Everybody!

She looks very like a girl from my village called Celina,

but she's just wearing much less pig skin.

You can do it.

Go me. Go me.

Sometimes you just gotta cool out with your ladies,

have a proper female fuck-about.

Nearly ready. Voilà.

Dang it.

Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.

Adelante.

Thank you for inv...

Oh, no se preocupen de las cámaras,

este, los contraté para que grabaran el...

el cumpleaños de la abuela.

- Feliz cumpleaños. - Muchacho, ay.

Ay, mi hijo. Siempre tan considerado.

Las chamarras, quítensela. Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.

- Look, he's like the butler. - I am not the butler.

I told them that you guys are here making a video montage

for her birthday, so I guess that's what we're doing now.

It looks like Tarzan lives here.

Oh, it's just eco-friendly.

Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly?

- It's real Versace. - You know, they make that

- in menswear too, right? - Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, why don't we go upstairs?

Pasen, pasen, pasen.

Oh, careful, there. I... It's messy.

There's thorns here, so be careful.

Hi.

- Más basura. - Aquí estamos.

Ta-da.

Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad?

Bueno, bienvenidos.

Mira estos platos, qué lujosos.

She's really impressed.

¿Te dieron una promoción en el Panera o qué?

No, no, no, mamá. Trabaja en el ferrocarril,

¿recuerdas?

Oh, you're still at the railroad.

You're working at the railroad?

Yeah, I work at the railroad.

What happened to the Panera Bread?

Speaking of bread, do you want some?

- Oh, I got a promotion. - That's right.

You got a promotion?

Yeah.

How does a fool get a promotion

from a Panera Bread to a railroad?

- How does that happen? - It was a...

- It was at a train station. - A train station?

The Panera Bread was at the train station.

- What train station? - Penn Station.

Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie.

There ain't no Panera Bread at Penn Station.

It was a pop-up.

Pop-up shop.

Wow.

Slower, don't pull!

Ooh, ooh! I have an idea.

- What? - Let's watch Mamma Mia!

Uh, yes.

Mamma Mia is my favorite, favorite

film to watch when I am missing my homeland,

but Laszlo never lets me watch it. He says...

"My darling, I can't watch that.

"It reminds me of all the bastard children

I fathered when I was a human."

Then the other two guys,

they hear this screech in the woods.

And they hightail it out of there,

but they never found the third guy...

because you know who got him?

The Jersey Devil.

- The Jersey Devil. - Uh-huh.

Hey, Mr. Rinaldi,

- guess what? - What?

I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real.

All righty, then.

I guess is not my fault if he comes and eats you.

Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like?

He's got dragon wings,

and a half-goat horse face

with a chinstrap beard like an Amish.

And he's got hooves and horns,

and two low-hanging balls

with a button cock on top.

Fantastic.

And he creeps through the Pine Barrens,

looking for little kids

who don't believe in him.

And he goes, "clomp,

clomp, clomp!"

Uh... Everyone all right?

I got to fix the safety on that one, huh?

No, the Jersey Devil is not real.

It is just a myth that vampires made up

to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods.

Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans,

he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had.

Sean is your best friend?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Here's to spending the weekend with you, Sean.

- I'll drink to that. - Yes, cheers.

There's just something special about "guy time," you know?

- Hear, hear. - Yes.

Sean, time to go beddy bye.

- Whatever. - Here we go.

- I got a deer. - Mind your head.

- Ooh, that hurt. - What are you doing?

This is seriously

the funnest level I've ever done on Roblox.

- Is it as cool as this? - Careful, Laszlo.

Take it from a soldier:

That thing is a weapon, not a toy.

The last time you saw battle

it was just swords and wooden clubs.

I'd hardly call you an authority.

♪ Oh, when you're near me, darling ♪

♪ Can you hear me ♪

♪ And the love you gave me... ♪

Ah. This dynamo needs a top-up.

So, uh, I'm gonna go and get one. Anyone else?

- No, I'm good. - Nah.

Do you want me to pause it or...?

Oh, no, don't worry. I'll only be a moment.

♪ The love you gave me ♪

♪ Nothing else can save me ♪

Oh.

Hello.

- Whose this, Guillermo? - The maid.

I'm Nadja of Antipaxos.

I'm rich now, so I have...

- I have a maid. - ¿Es tu novia, no?

Sí, sí, es que...

Girlfriend? Since when?

Yeah. I did say Nadja was my girlfriend.

The lies just pile up on top of each other, you know?

Over the years, you just can't keep track.

Isn't that right, Nadja?

You're both my girlfriend and...

- my maid. - Wow.

It all started, actually, when my mom was trying

to set me up with her church friend's niece

and just to get her off my back,

I said I was dating Nadja.

Please don't tell Laszlo.

Es como Daphne y Niles.

Daphne wasn't the maid.

She was Frasier's dad's physical therapist.

Right?

Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí?

- Join us. - Uh...

Por favor.

Okay. Lovely.

Guillermo, your girlfriend was here this whole time,

and you didn't invite her to eat with your family?

Yes, Guillermo can be a little bit of a big rotten shit bag.

- ¿Te llamó shit bag? - Yeah.

One of my many sweet little cheeky pet names for him.

My boyfriend and...

- boss. - Guillermo,

¿me puedes enseñar dónde está el baño?

Sí, claro, abuelita.

Nadja, hola.

I am his mom.

- Bienvenidos. - Sí.

_

Oh, sí, claro.

_

_

_

_

I mean, I guess I never thought of it before,

but, yeah, it makes sense.

If I have Van Helsing DNA,

then so would my grandma and the rest of my family.

Which makes it

not-a-so good.

_

_

_

_

Los goosebumps.

I haven't a clue who this Gena Lee Nolin is, but...

I wouldn't mind that in my lunch box.

I have a question, Laszlo.

What did you mean by what you said before?

- What did I say before? - About the pistol.

You said I was hardly an authority.

Well, exactly that.

You haven't seen any action in nigh on a millennium.

Probably more accurate to call you a former soldier

than a real soldier, wouldn't you say?

I am and always will be Nandor the Relentless.

I suppose I should not expect you to understand

what it means to be a soldier.

Were you not kicked out of your Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants

college for wealthy lads?

I think you're referring to Eton,

and I told you that in confidence.

Surprise, surprise.

The talk suddenly turns to Laszlo

and he's put his sticky mag down.

I was listening to everything.

It's just the same old, shrill tune.

Sounds like someone's

a little jealous he's not the number one guy in the house.

Says the guy who left the house to "find himself"

and come back with his tail between his legs.

That was an important step in my personal journey.

And a good thing I did come back

since the house went to piss-filled shit on your watch.

You remember to watch your language in front of my boy.

Piss-filled shit house!

Did you get that?

- Yep. - I shouldn't be surprised.

All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano

or have sex with Nadja

wherever and whenever you please!

How is that an insult?

Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit.

You take and you take and you take.

You took the seat in the Honda Element

that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element,

even though you know

that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element

pushed right far back,

and I have the longer legs!

Did you just

cock your weapon at me?

I took that seat

so I would have a diagonal vantage point

to talk to my friend Sean fluidly.

I should've known.

All the way back when we first moved into the mansion

and you had first pick of the bedchambers,

even though we all agreed that I would have first pick!

Now you're being absurd.

What the fuck's that?

"Whereas we three vampires do agree

"upon the following order for the selection of bedchambers

"on our new home

on the rocky shores of Staten Island."

"First pick,

Nandor the Relentless."

Well, suck on this. "Amendment:

In the absence of all

"household vampires at the appointed time

"of bedchamber selection,

"a quorum of two-thirds present

may... pro... ceed."

Unbelievable.

You can't even stand to lose an argument, can you?

You know what you are?

You are what my best friend Sean

might describe as a proper jabroni.

Shit.

I am not a jabroni.

- You are jabroni! - Jabroni.

- Jabroni. - Jabroni.

- Jabroni. - Jabroni.

Jabroni.

Ahh! Shit!

Shit, you shot me in the fucking hand.

- Well, you would... - Ow!

What the hell is going on in here?

I heard shots.

No, you didn't.

- Where's the kid? - He was right there.

- Door's open. - It's... Aw, shit.

Oh, shit.

_

So you actually enjoy to eat a bowl of fungus.

- Voluntarily? - All kinds of fungus.

I'm not a "fun-guy."

At first, I had no interest

in pretending to be whoever this Daphne person is,

but I am loving Gizmo's family.

You're so lovely and nice, compared to...

Oh, here he is, my rotten little shit bag.

Come here.

I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling

moonbeams are related to such a gray dud.

Do all of you have a very bad visions like Guillermo?

'Cause I have heard that the broken eyes

can run in the families.

No, no, no. I used to, but then I got

the laser treatment, you know, that...

- The Lasik. - Lay-kips?

- No. Lasik. - Lipschitz.

Lasik!

Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate.

- That's what I said. - Sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell all like that.

I don't know what came over me. I just... you know. It's Lasik.

- People know about this shit. - Uh... So, anyway,

in my family we don't have the broken eyes,

but all of the men have one arm

quite a bit shorter than the other arm.

Fuck, is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me?

Miguel. Miguel, will you let her tell her fucking story?

- Oh, oh. - Má.

Please, go on. Please, please.

And so where-where was I?

So the neighbors

would shout at all the men,

"Make your arms the same length!"

I'm fucking, like about to catch on fire

or some shit.

Something's fucking wrong, Memo.

Eres un monstruo y debes de morir.

What the fuck?!

Demonio maldito chupa sangre,

aléjate de mi nieto.

Abuelita, abuelita.

Abuelita, abuelita.

Fucking hell!

Abuelita, abuelita.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why is there so much fucking sharp wood in this house?!

Nadja, I really have to tell you something about my family!

Yes, Guillermo, I've put it together,

- you bloody moron. - ¡Mami, no!

Oh, my God, we're here for a wedding...

I think it's Pierce Brosnan.

He has to be the papa, no?

- Obviously. - I hope he is,

but I worry there will be a twist.

How long is this movie?

Nadja!

You come into my house?

Do you have any idea who the fuck you are messing with?

Never mind.

Don't hurt her!

¡Demonio!

No. No, no.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, don't hurt her!

No, Mami. No, no, no!

Guillermo, ella es un monstruo, peligroso, malvado.

Yes, I know, I know, okay? I know she's a vampire.

I've always known. Nadja lives in this house.

Okay? And so do another group of vampires.

And I don't work at the railroad.

I work for them.

I work for the vampires who live here

because I hope to become a vampire myself one day.

And Nadja is not my girlfriend...

because I'm gay.

Aw.

- Mijo. - Wait.

You want to be a vampire?

Hey! Being a vampire is very cool.

We don't give a shit about you being gay.

We've known that forever, I mean...

- Yeah, we knew that. - Una madre sabe.

- Una madre sabe. - Really? Everyone knew?

- Come on, Mo. - ¿Todos?

Familia es familia, homie.

I was so worried because I...

- We love you. - Oh, mami, gracias.

Oh, gracias.

- No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you. - Ay!

Come out, Baby Colin Robinson.

- Nandor. - Oh, Baby Colin Robinson!

Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I...

You shot me.

See?

No, I shot at you, it's true.

But you've been a fucking pill this whole trip,

and for no good reason.

Maybe I did have a reason,

which was...

I was a little upset

thinking about "guy time,"

how we don't have it so much, you and I.

We used to.

Now you're always clinking beers with Sean or...

rehearsing songs with the Baby Colin Robinson.

We never hang anymore.

Bro, I'm not very comfortable

with emotional flamboyance, as well you know.

I'll be brief. My feelings aren't too dissimilar to your own.

I've missed us.

All right.

- Baby Colin! - Boy!

Baby.

Hey, guys.

What have I told you about running off, you little prick?

I heard something weird outside,

but you were too busy fighting about jabronis and...

- Help! - Sean?

- Shit. - Quickly.

Oh, boy.

- Over there. - Jeepers.

- The fuck is that shit? - Kill me!

The Jersey Devil, fucking hell.

He's real? Look at the size of his balls.

Where's my magic flute?

I hid it in the car 'cause it was annoying me.

Kill me and get it over with!

Shoo. Go away.

Yes, it's working.

He's falling under your spell.

Yes.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa.

Oh, shit.

- I'm gonna get my shotty. - Nandor...

I've been double crossed by the devil.

Hey, fuckhead, that's my friend you've got there, you let him go!

Hey!

- Lights out! - Aah!

- Kick him in the dick. - Oh, yes.

- He's on me! - He's not going down.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Siri,

play some New Jersey music.

Get your hands off my ass.

This isn't what I want to be doing.

Grab his balls, man.

- I've got them, I've got them! - No, that's me.

Fucking hell.

♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪

♪ Union's been on strike ♪

Hold on, I'll skip to the good part.

♪ We're halfway there ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

- ♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪ - Yeah.

- ♪ Take my hand... ♪ - Get him, Lazzo.

- ♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪ - Human form!

♪ Whoa-oh... ♪

Kill him, get his button cock.

It's working, I'm draining him.

I'm draining him, too.

Hey, I found the rifle!

Fucking Jersey.

Okay, can we go home now?

Prepare to die, you vile

- vampire... - No, Nadja, no, don't, please.

Okay? I didn't know you were even here,

- and I tried to warn you... - Shut up, Guillermo.

I am about to drink the blood of your entire family

of vampire-killing evil verm...

No, no, stop, okay? Please.

I'm begging you. Just hypnotize them, okay?

Hypnotize them so they forget everything.

Like it or not, they're my family.

Just... just like you're my family, Nadja.

I so rarely care what Guillermo thinks

or feels or says or does,

but I know what it is like

to watch your entire family die in front of you.

And it's not great.

I watched my Uncle Andreas get crushed to death by a donkey,

and the donkey was his wife.

And then she, the donkey, died of alcoholism.

And now I have had no real family for hundreds of years.

Also, if Guillermo doesn't have a family,

is he going to start calling me "mami"?

Bad enough his relationship with Nandor, so, no, thank you.

Okay, fine!

- But on one condition. - Anything.

Keep Nandor, Laszlo, and the small Colin creature

away from the house at least one night a month

so I can have it to myself.

And...

obtain for me a copy of...

Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again.

I'm just super glad that everything worked out.

And that my family is safe.

And that they were hypnotized and now the house will be safe.

Most importantly, I'm just glad that

they finally know the truth about me.

Well, besides the bit about you working at the railroad.

Okay, yeah.

And the giant bit

about you being desperate to be a vampire.

Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure

that they remember the part about me...

telling them that I'm gay, so...

I mean,

- who isn't gay? - A lot of people.

Oh, okay.

I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.

Shade.

After we vanquished the Jersey Devil, we drove home

- before sunrise. - No, I drove.

We hypnotized Sean, but I'm worried that we fucked him.

- Oh, you can make a pizza tree? - Uh-huh.

I just made ten Robux. What's the street value to that?

But we did manage to bring home a little

souvenir from our weekend.

What the fuck is that?

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