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Zulu
[???]
?�It's�a�mad,�mad�world�?
?�And�guess�who's�gonna save�it�all?�?
?�It's�a�dirty�job�?
?�But�someone's�gotta�do�it�?
?�Yeah,�we�can�do�it�?
?�Super�Team�Canada!�?
?�Hey,�hey!�?
?�The�fate�of�the�free�world�?
?�Is�in�our�hands�?
?�We're�the�heroes�of�the�land�?
?�Super�Team�Canada!�?
[explosion]
[distant�loon�call]
[woman's�voice] Once�upon�a�time,
on�a�planet I�like�to�call�Earth,
there�was�a�group�of�heroes
who�called�themselves Super�Team�Canada.
They�weren't�that�super.
Anyway,�one�day, they�were�lounging�about,
watching�their�favourite television�show...
[Announcer] And�on�"Glacier�or�Iceberg:
College�Week"... -[studio�audience�cheering]
Okay,�Carol,�for�the�$20
and�the�hand-cranked�toaster,
is�this�a�glacier or�an�iceberg?
I�say�glacier,
and�I'd�bet�money�on�it
if�I�hadn't�lost�everything
betting�on�stupid gender�reveals.
It's�an�iceberg.
Like�me,
their�biggest�parts are�often�not�visible.
[buzzer�blaring]
I�see�you've chosen�"glacier."
Well,�Carol,�congrats...
on�being�so�wrong! -[error�buzzer�blaring]
It's�an�iceberg.
[crashing�and�splashing]
Hey,�hey,�hey, Poutine�was�right!
He's�so�smart.
Check�it�out.
The�show�finally got�interesting.
[woman's�voice] Yes,�I�lifted�the�iceberg
right�out�of�the�ocean
and�moved�it to�a�football�stadium.
Why?
Well,�let's�let the�me�on�TV�explain.
[blasting]
[chipping]
At�first,�I�wanted a�Summer�Splendor�theme,
but�then�I�remembered it�was�the�Glurk�wedding,
so�I�pivoted�to�Magic�Memory.
Are�you�a�wedding�planner?
I�prefer "matrimony�consultant."
[chuckling]
That�edge�is�rough. You're�dust.
[blasting]
[handvac�whirring]
My�clients,�very�well-off,
wanted�a�unique destination�wedding,
so�voil�!
But�this�place�needs some�decorations.
[clicking]
We�have�a�very�exclusive guest�list,
and�you're�not�on�it,�so...
[clicking�pen]
[clanging]
Cracked? Did�we�know�it�was�cracked?
And�if�someone�did, why�didn't�I?
[handvac�whirring]
[alert�beeping]
[Wedding�Planner]�Everything was�coming�along�beautifully.
The�city�of�Hamilton was�excited.
No�one�had�ever�wanted
a�destination�wedding there�before.
Uh,�caterers,
you�know�we're�only�using the�horns�for�the�passed�apps.
Throw�the�rest�away.
Stop�the�wedding!
And�if�we're�not�too�late, the�rehearsal�dinner.
Is�that�a�gift?
[RCM-PC] Didn't�want�to�be�rude.
Ugh,�I�hate�surprises.
You�know�what's�not�a�surprise?
You�being�dust.
[handvac�whirring]
On�Earth,�we're�not�fans
of�theft,�violence, or�trespassing.
I'd�even�go�so�far as�to�say�we�frown�on�it.
Oh,�you�misunderstand.
I'm�not�here�to�hurt�anyone.
I'm�here�for�love!
You�see,�the�heart�is�my�canvas,
and�romance,�my�paintbrush.
Catchy�slogan.
Now,�pack�it�all�up,
and�don't�let�the�atmosphere
hit�you�in�the�butt on�the�way�out.
But�everything's�planned.
The�wedding,�reception, toss�the�bouquet,
then�blow�up�your�planet.
[bomb�alerts�blaring]
Can't�call�something a�once-in-a-lifetime�event
if�some�other�couple can�get�married�here,�can�we?
We�can't.
In�that�case,
we'll�be�checking the�"regret"�box.
Oh,�I�see�that�you're�mad, but�first,
I�think�it�might�help
if�you�got�to�know�the�couple.
[???]
Zlax's�terrible�eyesight and�rotten�breath
attracted�bullies and�repulsed�the�opposite�sex.
He�resigned�himself to�never�finding�love.
J'zah�was�beautiful.
She�could�have�had any�suitor�she�wanted,
until�a�stray�meteor hit�her�in�the�face.
Diagnosed as�clinically�hideous,
she�prepared to�live�her�life�alone,
until�one�day,
Zlax's�astigmatism
made�J'zah's�concave�face beautiful�again,
and�J'zah's�smashed-in�nose
made�his�foul�breath smell�like�roses.
They�were�literally the�only�ones�in�the�universe
for�each�other.
-That�movie�sucked. -[Sask�snoring]
Agree.�It�was�clich�,�cloying,
and�poorly�lit.
Two�and�a�half�stars.
I�was�bored into�a�screensaver.
You�guys�chill.
I�got�Miss�Pantsuit.
You�love�weapons?
Well,�I�believe love�is�the�ultimate�weapon.
[Wedding�Planner] I�took�out�my�romance�rock.
The�rock sends�a�beam�of�romance
that�enters�any�heart.
[crystal�beam�whooshing]
Maybe�I�can�be�helpful with�the�ice�sculpture?
Ice�is�kinda�my�thing.
You�hypnotized�her!
And�even�worse,
you�made�her�pursue�the�Arts.
[crystal�beam�whooshing]
Mm,�I�used�to�like�love.
Now�I�love�it.
[RCM-PC] Attack�software�downloaded!
[beam�whooshing]
I�realize�now
love�is�the�ultimate�language,
not�JavaScript.
[beam�whooshing]
Didn't�work,�crystals�are�crap.
Ha!�Rocks�trying�to�be�glass?
I�mean,�pick�a�lane,�right?
Hmm,�this�only�doesn't�work
if�your�hearts are�closed�to�love,
and�also�in�a�cardiac�event kind�of�way.
I�presume�you�eat a�lot�of�cheese?
Would�I�be�as�constipated as�I�am�if�I�didn't?
[video�game�victory�music]
You�always�know just�what�a�lady�wants�to�hear.
Anyway,
spray�right�where�you�are!
[Wedding�Planner] My�romance�rock
had�no�effect�on�these�two,
but�I�came�up�with a�new�strategy.
Stop!�I'll�leave.
It�takes�a�few�hours
for�the�beam's�effects to�wear�off,
so�while�we�wait, how�about�dinner?
[Poutine]�I�would�like�to�eat out�of�a�rhino�horn.
I'm�a�bit�of�a�foodie.
We�also�have vegetarian�options.
A�nice�salad served�in�a�kangaroo�pouch?
Does�that�hurt�the�kangaroo?
It�can�if�you�want�it�to.
Oh...�this�is�fine,
but�I�don't�do�fine.
I�do�dramatic!
Cue�volcano!
I�also�imported�this
from�Nova�Scotia
for�ambiance.
[playing]
They�won't�miss�it.
I�mean,�what�would�Nova�Scotia
even�do�with�ambiance?
[laughing]
That's�forte.
I�wanted�mezzo�forte!
[blasting]
[handvac�whirring]
You�missed�some!
[blasting]
Now,�before�we�get�into the�boring�stuff
about�saving�your�planet,
I�heard�you�two�used�to�date.
True?
We�dated�once,
for�barely�two�minutes.
And�yet�she�still�remember.
You�see, gravy�leaves�quite�a�stain.
Well,�excuse�me�for�a�moment.
Apparently when�I�said�"Winter�Mist,"
someone�heard�"French�Vanilla,"
and�now�that�someone
is�going�home�in�a�Ziploc�bag.
[laughing]
I'm�sure�that�lava's destroying�homes,
but�it�is�kinda�nice.
Yes,�inside every�destructive�force
is�something�very�beautiful.
Are�you...�hitting�on�me?
It's�a�compliment,
and�the�truth.
Well,�then,�thank�you.
I�hate�you,
but�now�I�hate�you a�little�less.
Heh,�that's�sweet.
[chuckling]�You're�sweet.
[???]
[Wedding�Planner] They�fell�for�it.
A�romantic�lava-lit�dinner
opened�their�hearts�just�enough
for�my�romance�rock to�do�its�thing.
I�had�done�it�again!
They�were�in�love.
[record�scratch] Wh-what's�happening?
[laser�beam�blasting]
She�tricked�us.
This�romantic�setup�crap
opened�our�hearts�just�enough for�the�ray�to�sneak�in.
You're�so�smart to�figure�this�out.
It's�one�of�the�reasons I�like�you�so�much.
Hey! -Don't�be�nice!
Any�hint�of�romance lets�her�beam�take�effect!
Brains,�body.
What�don't�you�have?
[smacking] I�mean,�you�sweaty�mule!
Our�only�defense�is�remembering
what�we�hate�about�each�other,
like�how�you�floss�with�cheese.
Uh,�you�tip�too�much.
It's�supposed�to�be the�amount�before�tax!
You�kiss�on�the�cheek four�times!
No�one�wants�that!
It's�normal�in�French�culture!
Like�how�I�presume in�your�culture
it's�normal to�grow�leg�hair�long!
[both�growling]
[ray�powering�down] Ha�ha,�we�did�it!
Hate�saved�the�day!
Yes,�but�I�wished there�was�time
for�one�more�insult.
I�had�a�good�one about�your�nail�polish.
[Wedding�Planner] Meanwhile,�in�Hamilton,
the�jewel�of�tetanus�country,
your�special�day was�about�to�begin.
Send�the�flower�girl, then�the�groomsmen,
and�pre-heat
the�planet-destroying super�bomb,
but�to�the�music...
[alerts�blaring�in�rhythm]
...and�the�bride�and�groom in�three,�two...
[crowd�gushing�and�cheering]
Arr�tez-vous!
Your�romantic�B.S.�didn't�work.
Now�prepare�to�pay�the�price.
I�don't�pay�for�anything.
Security, we�have�wedding�crashers.
[growling]
Guys,�guys,�look, it-it-it's�us,
your�teammates!
Love�is�the�only�team,
and�romance is�the�star�left�wing.
I�got�the�dumb�animal, you�get�Sask.
I�have�an�idea, I�just�need�the�groom's�phone.
[Sask�snarling, Poutine�groaning]
A-ha.
[RCM-PC]�Ha�ha!
[crowd�gasping]
[Wedding�Planner] The�lady�hero
showed�everyone�the�strippers
at�Zlax's�bachelor�party,
and�it�wasn't�good�for�him,
for�the�wedding,
and�more�importantly,�for�me.
[bride�crying]
It�was�just�a�lap�dance!
And�not�even�a�sexual�one,
because�our�genitalia is�on�our�back,�remember?
No!
[ray�powering�down]
[grunting�in�confusion]
You're�not�glowing�anymore!
Yup,�hate�always�wins.
[Wedding�Planner] Yes,�hate�had�won.
I�hated�them.
You�two�lovebirds hated�each�other,
but�I�also�hate�losing,
so�it's�complicated.
Anyway,�I�thought a�change�in�scenery
could�help�smooth�out this�little�episode.
I�even�invited�those�heroes
to�participate in�your�new�wedding�venue.
[grunting]
Sorry,�babe,
this�lap�is�reserved�for�you.
[kissing]
[suction�popping]
Thank�you.
I'll�never�forget�this.
Who�knew�our�perfect�wedding
was�simple�and�easy on�an�iceberg?
[J'zah]�Um,�actually, I�think�it's�a�glacier.
Honey,�it's�an�iceberg.
You�can�tell�from�the�size.
[J'zah]�Oh,�look�at�you.
Mr.�Iceberg�Expert is�also�a�mansplainer.
I�want�a�divorce!
Hate�wins�again.
It's�undefeated.
And�I�keep�betting�on�love.
[cracking]
[Wedding�Planner]�It�could have�all�ended�there�again,
but�it�didn't.
I�managed�to�get�you�two ugly�unicorns�together�again,
and�now�look�at�you!
All�in�all,
it's�a�wedding-breakup, wedding-breakup,
wedding-to-remember for�a�lifetime.
[sighing]
And�now�soon�you'll�be�parents,
and�I�know�just�the�place for�the�gender�reveal.
[clicking�pen]
[alerts�blaring]
I�bet�on�"girl."
[explosion]
[Announcer]�Previously on�Super�Team�Canada...
And�this�stuff that�never�happened.
[Announcer]�We�find�our�heroes
enjoying some�well-deserved�downtime.
I�know�myself, after�a�long�day�of�work,
I�like�to�take�my�pants�down
and�turn�the�Streisand�up
until�the�lady�upstairs complains�it's�too�loud,
and�that�is�why I�steal�her�prescriptions.
[roaring]
Sask,�can�you turn�it�down�a�little?
I'm�chasing�a�bonus
on�my�new�rust-proofing side�hustle.
I�sell�20�orders,
I�get�a�set�of�Rogie�Vachon corn�holders.
Mrs.�Abby�Schulman?
Oh,�she's�dead?
I�hope�she's�resting�in�peace,
but�not�rusting�in�peace.
[disconnection�tone�buzzing]
You�see,�rust�is�every�bit as�sad�as�death...
[RCM-PC�gasping]�Oh! Three�more�wheat�for�me.
Wanna�trade?
I�can�give�you...�wheat.
There's�only�wheat.
How�is�this�a�game?
The�only�rule�is�to�stay�awake.
And�there's�no�way�to�win.
We�just�keep�handing�each�other pieces�of�cardboard
until�death�mercifully�takes�us.
I've�never�been�so�bored,
angry,�or�constipated!
Je�shreddez�vous!
[RCM-PC]�Oh!
[coughing�and�sputtering]
Hey!�It's�the�beaver�signal!
You�know,�like�a�DM from�the�Prime�Minister!
Sorry,�telemarketing, but�I�have�to�go.
Angry�strangers
will�just�have�to�hang�up�on�me at�a�later�time.
[RCM-PC�coughing�and�vomiting]
Okay,�that's�it, get�it�all�out.
[Prime�Minister] Super�Team�Canada,
we're�facing�a�crisis.
World�leaders�are�being�sealed in�jars�of�pickle�brine.
-[wolf�whistling] -No,�no,�no...
[all�gasping]
Turn�it�off!
[clearing�throat]�Ahem.
Anyway,
they're�trapped�but�alive.
Well,�aside�from that�one�dictator.
It's�all�the�twisted�work
of�Pickle-Pus.
?�Eat�'em�hot,�eat�'em�cold�?
?�Even�frozen,�maybe�?
?�Or�to�shut�their�yap�?
?�Give�'em�to�your�baby�?
-[smooching] -Hee�hee!
When�countries�raised pickle�import�taxes,
pickle�sales�dropped.
Pickle-Pus�was�let�go.
When�he�lost�his�job,
he�lost�his�sanity.
Any�pickle�would.
Now�he's�getting�revenge
with�these�vinegar-based�tombs
set�on�drift�ice,
nature's�refrigerator.
There's�something�else.
We're�retiring the�beaver�signal,
and�the�beaver�we�used to�create�it,
Chomper.
[snarling�roar]
[gasping�in�horror]
Yeah,�disgusting.
[Prime�Minister]�Apparently, having�60,000�watts
blasted�at�your�face
can�create�some�ill�effects.
[vomiting]
Mm-mm...
[vomiting]
Why�didn't�you�just�use
a�cardboard�cutout of�his�profile?
I�don't�know.
Why�can't�toenails�be�money?
It�just�is!
He's�gone�so�blind,
he�doesn't�even�know�what's�wood
and�what�isn't. -[sniffing]
-[chomping�and�snarling] -Not�wood!�Arm!
[Chomper�snarling, Sask�screaming]
I'm�sure�he'll�be�fine without�a�job.
Cat�food's�pretty�affordable
if�you're�not�hung�up on�expiration�dates.
I�like�Seafood�Sensations.
You�can�taste�the�ocean. -[distant�foghorn]
So�Chomper�just�gets�fired?
That�hardly�sounds�fair.
Oh,�yeah,�the�government not�being�fair.
Totally�unheard�of.
Eh...
I�was�hoping�you�guys would�do�me�a�small�favour.
Would�you�take�Chomper out�to�the�woods,
and,�you�know,
give�him�the�old Ottawa�Senator�treatment?
And�I�don't�mean the�hockey�team.
I�even�got�you a�cool�way�to�get�there!
[key�fob�chirping]
And�the�gas�tank�is�full... of�soda.
Long�story.
-[snarling] -So�you'll�do�it?
We'll�do�it!
For�Canada.
And�for�something to�add�to�our�LinkedIn�pages.
[engine�sputtering]
Here�you�go.�Wood.
Your�last�meal.
[sniffing]
[chomping�and�farting]
I'm�no�optician,
but�when�you�get�to�this�point,
it's�time�to�head
to�the�big�penalty�box in�the�sky.�[chuckling]
[buzzer�sounding]
Well,�if�he�knows he's�about�to�die,
he's�sure�trying�to�go�empty.
I�haven't�dodged�this�much�scat since�the�Halifax�Jazz�Fest.
[winner�bells�clanging]
So,�uh,�which�one�of�us is�gonna...
you�know?�[clicking]
You�should�bore�him�to�death
with�that�story
about�the�day you�got�your�braces�off.
[mock�gasping]�The�ending
where�you�could finally�eat�licorice?
Mm,�m'wah!
[Sask�groaning]
[grunting]
[chittering�whimper]
[Sask�screaming]
[groaning�in�pain]
[alert�beeping]
Pickle-Pus�has�struck�again!
The�Premier�of�the�Turks,
and�presumably�Caicos,
is�missing!
Oh,�we�gotta�go!
Right�after�we�send�someone to�beaver�heaven.
My�favourite�strip�club in�Montreal!
[Sask�screaming]
Sask,�let's�get�this over�with�already.
[bellowing]
[grinding�and�gurgling]
[crunching]
[horror�movie�music�sting]
?�Every�minute,�every�hour�?
?�Have�one�dill�?
?�Have�one�sour!�?
Yo,�Sea�Spider!
You�have�eight�crotches,
and�I'm�gonna�kick every�one�of�them!
Super�Team�Canada.
You�may�be�cool�as�cukes,
but�you'll�be�sour�as�dill
when�I'm�done with�your�gherkins!
[all�murmuring�in�confusion]
I�don't�get�it...
[stammering]�D-don't think�about�it�too�much.
Instead,�think�about how�you're�going�to�die!
[cackling�maniacally]
Sask,�fur�bridge!
[spine�cracking]
[yelping�in�pain]
[all�shouting�battle�cries]
[roaring]
[all�grunting]�Let�go!
?�Eat�'em�on�the�couch�?
?�Or�on�the�go�?
?�They�look�like�frogs�?
?�They're�frankly�gross�?
?�They're�pickles!�?
You�losers�soak�in�the�brine of�your�failure.
I'm�off�to�see�the�Belgian�PM about�some�cornichons.
?�Bowels�not�workin'?�?
?�Open�things�up�?
?�With�a�gherkin!�?
I�could�have�taken�him.
You�jerks�blocked�my�shot!
Moi?�I�had everything�under�control.
[gasping] Uh,�older�people?
[snarling�roar]
[screeching]
[RCM-PC]�Chomper?
He's�still�alive
and�angry!
[chuckling]�Oh,�I've�seen that�look�of�pure�hate
from�so�many�flight�attendants.
Everyone,�wait,�and�shut�up!
Maybe�Chomper is�our�way�out�of�this�mess.
He�hates�Sask,
so�let's�use�his�hate
to�love�ourselves�into�a�win.
Sask,�maybe he'll�chew�through�your�lid
to�get�at�you,
rock�your�jar,�tip�it�over.
[grunting]
[Belgian�PM�screaming]
[jar�rattling]
[lid�clicking]
[jar�crashing]
No�one�disrupts the�pickling�process!
?�Some�are�sweet�?
?�And�some�are�sour�?
?�Great�for�a�snack even�in�the�shower!�?
New�plan,�Sask, keep�being�choked!
[gasping�for�breath]
-[Chomper�snarling] -[Pickle�Pus�screaming]
[Announcer]�That�blind�beaver
chewed�straight�through�the�ice
and�up�that�octopus�ass
seeking�revenge!
[groaning�in�pain]
Wait,
you�want�to�kill this�blue�collar�gorilla,
and�so�do�I,
and�that's�not�all we�have�in�common.
We're�both�forgotten�relics
from�big, cold-hearted�organizations
that�tolerated�us when�we�served�a�purpose,
but�as�soon�as�we�didn't,
we�were�callously�discarded.
I�went�from�signing eight�autographs�at�a�time
at�Pickle�Fest
to�bussing�four�tables�at�a�time at�Red�Lobster.
Face�it,�beaver,
we�share�the�same�pain, the�same�betrayal.
Now,�if�we�team�up,
we�could�share the�same�vengeance.
So...�partners?
[purring�and�chittering]
[chomping]
[screaming�in�pain]
[chomping]
[bellowing]
[smashing�fists]
Ha�ha!�My�plan�worked.
I'm�a�genius!
A�lady�genius?
[laughing] That's�like�half�a�man,
or�twice�a�Breakaway.
Just�happy�to�be in�the�conversation.
I�got�the�idea�to�defeat�him
from�a�dream where�this�happened,
and�we�defeated�him�this�way in�my�dream.
It�was�my�idea.
The�only�way�you�helped
was�by�doing�nothing,
because�you�were�trapped in�a�jar.
Well,�you�heard�her,�folks,
I�helped! -Actually-
[Prime�Minister] Have�some�pickles!
-Mm. -These�are�good.
Delicious.
The�whole�country�agrees.
That's�why,�as�of�today,
Canada�is�dropping all�pickle�tariffs!
-[crowd�cheering] -Seriously?
You're�doing�it�now?
-[crackling] -[yelping]
?�Hawaii�has�some�lepers�?
?�You�can�also pickle�peppers...�?
Pickles�aren't�the�only�thing
restored�to their�former�glory�today.
In�honour�of�his�heroism,
and�thanks�to socialized�medicine,
the�government�has�paid to�fix�Chomper's�eyes.
He's�had�surgery,
jumping�the�line
ahead�of�several cross-eyed�babies.
[crowd�cheering, babies�crying]
And�here�he�is�now!
Let's�see if�the�surgery�worked.
[chittering�and�twinkling]
[sniffing]
[chomping]
[Prime�Minster]�He�chose�wood!
His�eyes�are�fixed,
and�our�toy�cars�are�safe,
and�now,�Chomper,
this�Beaver�Preserve,
formerly�Winnipeg,
is�yours!
You've�earned�it,�buddy!
[sniffing�and�chittering]
[chomping]
I�guess�being�a�hero
really�builds�up�an�appetite?
[tone�beeping]
[cranking�dial]
[crowd�laughing]
I�went�to�Afghanistan for�you�all.
Twice!
What�will�happen�to�Pickle-Pus?
Don't�worry�about�him.
He'll�wake�up�in�a�luxury�suite
in�the�Grey�Bar�Hotel.
It�was�one�of�the�my�classic PM�play�on�words.
I�meant�send�him to�our�government�super�prison.
You're�supposed�to�blow on�the�harmonica,
not�suck.
[playing�harmonica]
[playing�notes]
[growling]
[???]
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