Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

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(Text on screen)

(Dramatic instrumental music)

?

[???]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ??

[explosion]

[distant loon calling]

[???]

[air raid siren wailing]

[dogs barking, people shouting in pursuit]

[bushes rustling]

[body thudding]

[screaming]

[sobbing]

[sighing] How long has he been like this?

I told you, you shouldn't have told him.

That the children's show he grew up with

got cancelled 30 years ago?

"Uncle Sloppy and the Do-Right Boys"

was clearly important in a young Breakaway's life.

[compartment whirring]

? Crazy dance, crazy dance Let Uncle Sloppy ?

-? In your pants ? -Huh?

[singing along] ? Crazy dance, crazy dance ?

? Let Uncle Sloppy in your pants ?

? Crazy dance, crazy dance ?

? Let Uncle Sloppy in your pants ?

[sobbing] ? Crazy dance, crazy dance... ?

-[sobbing] -[whooshing]

Sorry I'm late.

The guy behind the counter

kept sticking his fingers in my Blizzards.

-[Poutine cackling] -Don't even think about it.

[groaning] Oh...

[Breakaway sobbing]

[alert blaring] Emergency, emergency!

Something just tripped the perimeter sensor!

We know it wasn't Breakaway's balls.

[alert blaring]

[footsteps crunching]

[alert blaring]

[all gasping]

[gasping]

[gasping in horror]

Help me!

My name is Walton Grotski...

[Niagara Falls] Water!

Walton Grotski?

The father of Lane Grotski,

the greatest hockey player of all time?

[weakly] Yes.

But you died in 2021.

[thunderclap]

Yea... [gasping]

Ooh...

[announcer] Holy night in Canada.

[static crackling, muzak playing]

[robot whirring]

[mind control tone chiming]

Couldn't he just drink it from the cup?

Mr. Grotski, how did you find us?

And equally important, how are you alive?

You died March 14th

in your hometown of Brantford, Ontario,

in a quilt made by your great aunt

on your radish farm.

Yes, that's exactly

what he wanted everyone to believe!

The evil Coach Chaos!

He kidnapped me and faked my death.

Many years ago,

a young hockey player with dreams of the NHL

was cut for trying to push his own game plan ideas.

I had a roommate just like that

in the A.J.M.M.D.H.L.A.G.

The Alberta Junior Mini Minor

Developmental Hockey League Association Group.

His name was Jerome.

The guy was so arrogant

he changed a play on the ice,

collided with his own goalie,

and got his hand cut clean off

by the goalie's stick.

Anyhoozles,

the player became a pariah,

was kicked out of hockey,

went insane,

and after years of hiding,

reemerged

as the deranged Coach Chaos.

He stole my son's jockstrap

from the National Grotski Archive,

and extracted DNA

from the... the cup area.

Where his ballsies go.

And created clones of my beloved Lane.

Before I could tell anyone,

I was kidnapped

and held prisoner at his compound,

where he forced me to train the clones

the same way I trained Lane.

He plans to replace every player in the NHL

and coach his own army!

The NHL will collapse,

Canadians will be robbed

of the outlet for all their aggression,

and the country will descend into chaos

and hurtful comments.

-[all gasping] -Oh god,

we can't let that happen.

Super Team Canada, let's roll!

[skate blades scraping]

Forgot the van keys.

[vintage cartoon action sting]

Don't you worry, Walton Grotski,

because we're all over this crap

like Kenny Linseman riding Risto Siltanen.

[Walton Grotski] Be very quiet.

Coach Chaos is a maniac.

[Chinook] Yeah, a maniac

who is about to meet the law

in law enforcement!

-[clattering] -Shh!

I cannot believe you idiots

are the defenders of the world!

Insane mega burn, Walton Grotski.

[rumbling]

[loud clattering]

I'll be the bigger man here

and admit that may have been me.

[alert blaring]

[gates slamming]

[klaxons wailing]

[goal horns blaring]

[clones chanting] Skate! Skate! Skate! Skate!

[Super Team groaning nervously]

[gasping]

[clones chanting] Skate! Skate!

[rumbling]

[crackling over loudspeaker] Ah, Walton!

The Great Ones were so worried about you,

and you've brought guests!

Super Team Canada.

Such a nice surprise. [chuckling]

For everyone but me!

Because you've all fallen perfectly into my planned trap!

[cackling]

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

[cocking pistol]

Well, would you look at that.

The old man is holding a gun!

[Breakaway] Holy Howie Meeker,

Walton Grotski, what are you doing?

Sorry, guys.

I forgot to mention there was one more clone.

Me.

[all gasping]

The real Walton did die,

so I brought him back as bait.

You're all about to ride some pine

in Heaven!

Grotskis, attack!

[clones chanting] Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

[pucks thudding, Team grunting]

[whining in pain]

[Chaos laughing wickedly]

Game over, losers!

Welcome back.

How was your nap?

You're all trapped inside a very special penalty box

that I custom built for ya.

It has zero moisture anywhere to manipulate,

a special atmosphere

that'll prove fatal with any additional weather.

It is too cold for circuits to operate...

-[shorting out] -...and I left

an open jar of smooth peanut butter in there

to distract you.

[delighted giggling]

Great story, jackass,

but for someone who brags about planning everything,

you forgot one hero. Me!

I can blast this freezer apart with my super pucks

in two seconds,

two and a half in Newfoundland.

I know that,

so I went back to an old playbook.

Very old.

[Breakaway] My mom's ex-husbands?

Dude, you're gonna have to try better than that.

[chuckling] Oh, ho, ho, I did.

I believe you have a fondness

for a certain sloppy trio.

No... you didn't.

Uncle Sloppy!

You monster.

You try and stop me,

and Uncle Sloppy and the Do-Right Boys

will be cancelled a second time,

in small bloody pieces. [cackling]

Sweet buttery Jesus,

you maniac!

How did you know Breakaway loved that show?

And why do you hate hockey so much?

Because I lost my chance to be the best player ever

back in the A.J.M.M.D.H.L.A.G.!

And now I get my revenge on 'em all!

Jerome?

[groaning deliriously]

[laughing]

Hockey as we know it is over!

Walton, load the Grotskis onto the plane

and meet me at NHL HQ in NY!

[smashing ceiling]

[whistling]

Proud of you, son!

Stay away from actresses, son!

[engines starting up]

[crashing ceiling]

I can't believe this is how it all ends for us,

and our national pastime.

Uh, technically,

lacrosse is Canada's official sport

since 1859.

We need to stop that plane before we freeze to death.

Sask, any ideas?

[mumbling and munching] Peanut butter...

Useless, just like this clown.

Snap out of it, idiot. We need you!

Come on, let's move!

Hey, that's it!

Chaos planned this trap for everybody but Breakaway,

and I know how to give Breakaway his power back

to get us out! -[powering up]

[???]

[all singing along] ? Crazy dance, crazy dance! ?

? Let Uncle Sloppy in your pants! ?

? Crazy dance, crazy dance! ?

? Let Uncle Sloppy in your pants! ?

? Crazy dance, crazy dance! ?

? Let Uncle Sloppy in your pants! ?

[grunting]

Come on, Breakaway, you can do it!

Summon that magic in your pants!

That came out wrong.

[quietly] Dad...

What's that, Break? Speak to us.

I said now I know what my dad meant

when he said if he heard that song one more time,

he'd throw himself dick-first into a wood chipper.

I'm back, baby!

[pucks slamming]

And I've got a new game plan.

[revving engine]

[smashing ceiling]

You guys take care of things on this end.

[Coach Chaos] League update, President.

You and all the players are out,

and my clones are in.

If the world wants hockey,

they need to pay to watch my boys play!

[laughing maniacally]

[smashing]

As my third mom said to my dad on their honeymoon,

"Not so fast,

and away from the butt, sweetie."

[Coach Chaos] Super Team Canada!

But Gordie Howe?

By using something you never learned,

and what caused your problems in the first place.

It makes the dream work,

and they call it mothersuckin' teamwork!

First line, let's do it!

No, no, no, no, no!

Not when I'm this close!

Clones, attack!

[clones chanting] Skate! Skate!

[bomb timer beeping]

Fromage slingshot, allez!

-[clones chanting] Shoot! Shoot! -[RCM-PC] Whoa! Line change!

-[car fob chirping] -[cackling]

[gasping] A bomb?

I'd... like to call a time out.

-[Chaos yelping] Ah! -[bomb timer going off]

All according to plan.

[gasping]

What have you done?

You mean besides save your league and Canada?

I saved myself.

I never needed a special show to be a hero,

because the hero was always right inside me.

[sobbing]

[Breakaway gasping]

Uncle Sloppy and the Do-Right Boys?

Forget everything I just said.

Is there any chance

you could give me a crazy dance?

[Uncle Sloppy theme playing]

[???]

[groaning in pain]

[RCM-PC] A very rare triple full cardiac arrest.

Your dancing killed them.

Uncle Sloppy?

[wailing] Uncle Sloppy!

[sobbing]

[???]

[distant loon call]

[TV show narrator] The Sasquatch.

Some call them mysterious,

but the only mystery

is how they're so darn adorable.

-When not posing... -[burping]

...for blurry photos,

they enjoy solitude

and swimming.

What an incredible program.

We all learned so much

and have now earned our Canadian tax credits.

Now to discuss something actually important,

the environment.

-[all murmuring] Huh? -Enviro-wha?

Some people here aren't doing their part

to protect Mother Earth.

Do you have specific,

or are you just being vague

because you're perpetually single?

Yes and no.

Sask, you've got to stop using trees as toothpicks.

Breakaway, what healthy man orders 1,000 diapers a week?

Others who shall go unnamed

need to stop getting takeout in non-biodegradable containers,

and Poutine, just stop breathing.

Oh, talk about hypocrisy.

How much water did you waste

hosing down your knockers?

[Niagara Falls] We raised 23 dollars!

Gals, would you put the claws away?

If we want pollution facts,

let's ask our resident calculator

to run the numbers.

Hey, ones, mainly zeros, Beep Boop?

Thoughts, Beep Boop?

[groaning sadly] Ugh...

Hey, you okay?

Why the long monitor?

[RCM-PC] No, I'm not okay, not at all!

I feel alone and ignored.

You guys never include me

unless you need somewhere to rest a drink,

and then no one even uses a coaster!

Come on, RC, we love you.

We respect you.

You are a key part-

[microwave timer dinging] Ooh!

Pizza Puck's ready.

I endorsed these in the '80s.

Still working through the samples.

Huh, could be a little hotter.

[beeping microwave, RCM-PC groaning miserably]

Now, where were we?

You're sad about the weather or something?

[RCM-PC] I know I'm different.

I'm a robot peg in a human hole.

I can do more than run numbers,

be an answering machine,

and use my global radar system to vacuum the lair.

Sometimes I just feel-

-[microwave timer dinging] -[Breakaway] Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Okay, now, back to your pity party.

[RCM-PC, sobbing] Sometimes I just feel-

[phone ringing]

[rapid inaudible voice]

It's the PM.

There's an emergency.

RC, can whatever you were saying wait?

[sobbing] Oh! Does it even matter?

You're the best.

And I know the perfect on-the-go snack.

[slapshot cracking]

[dinging]

Thanks for coming.

This year's budget didn't build in napkins.

[grunting indignantly]

-[projector whirring] -This man's life

is in grave peril.

Did he insult BTS?

[Prime Minister] He's Kim Jong Un's stylist

who tried adding some fun into his wardrobe.

Sentenced to death, he stole a ship to escape,

but him being a stylist and not a sailor,

the ship crashed,

spilling nuclear waste

into the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

We rescued the stylist,

but the radiation created a sentient monster

hell-bent on destroying everything in her path!

Makes perfect sense.

Trash plus radiation equals monster.

That's math.

What's the patch mad about?

The environment?

Rising ocean temperatures?

That Poutine secretly wears cheap lingerie?

Body issues.

Well, she is twice as big as Texas.

Yes, and she's also tired of hearing that.

If she was a male radioactive killer garbage patch,

I bet people would call her "driven" and a "game changer."

Right, RCM-PC? [water cooler bubbling]

Wait, where'd she go?

No time for that.

We need Super Team Canada

to destroy this menace

and make sure it never bothers us again,

but also, be sensitive.

It's-it's going through some stuff.

To Super Vanada 1!

Okay, so what did you come up with?

[distant horse neighing]

[PM] Love it!

We've all heard of urban cowboys,

but never a rural one.

I haven't, anyway.

Hey, you missed the meeting.

[RCM-PC] But clearly no one missed me.

I did.

I had nowhere to rest my drink.

Well, a giant self-conscious garbage patch

is threatening the Earth.

[RCM-PC] Ugh, the Earth again.

Why does anyone even care about the future?

Death looms for all.

Why even try to fight the inevitable?

Not the best locker room pep talk I've heard,

but not the worst.

I once had a coach in Red Deer

who just said, "Win or lose, protect your nuts."

What is going on with you?

[RCM-PC] Oh, I think the pressure

of always being responsible for saving the world

has activated some sort of awareness chip in my system.

I feel alone, so very, very alone.

What are you standing around for?

Giddy up!

[groaning miserably] Oh...

[vintage cartoon action sting]

[deep rumbling]

[roaring]

Run! It's huge!

[people screaming in panic]

Classic body shamers.

I will not be apologizing for taking up space!

[roaring]

Time to take out le trash!

[Niagara Falls] Wait, we need to think about this.

It's way bigger than I thought.

Beaucoup de muscle, huh?

Feel now, I'm flexing.

[Sask grunting in alarm]

Hey, Patch!

Suck ice, you big freak!

H'yah!

Big?

I prefer the term "plus-size"!

[screaming] Whoa!

I got the perfect snack for this.

And I'll stop this.

Water is my thing.

[mind control tone chiming]

[van antenna sproinging]

We're safe if we don't do nothing

that move us forward or backward.

[fart squirting]

Too much decades-old pizza.

[screaming]

[brakes screeching]

[groaning in relief]

Huh? The patch is gone!

Calm down, Grampa. I have an app.

It's headed for Hawaii.

This may be perfect.

Hawaii has exactly what we need!

An alphabet with only 13 letter?

No, Hawaii has volcanoes,

huge molten cauldrons

perfect to destroy

a giant plastic un-environmental menace.

Someone would have to lure it there.

It's suicide. -[raising hand]

[groaning miserably] Aww...

[sighing]

RCM-PC, send a distress signal

warning Hawaii about the patch.

-Uh... -Hmm?

Huh, a note from RC.

"If not valued by humankind in life,

perhaps I can be a noble death.

Goodbye, cruel analog world."

-[whale watchers screaming] -Whale coming through!

That's what you guys were looking for, right?

You can't run

from the very thing you humans created.

[blasting] [RCM-PC] But to stop you,

maybe it takes something

inhuman!

You can't stop me!

[retching]

Anybody spot RCM-PC?

[Chinook] Bingo.

Damn, I was so close.

I meant I see her. There.

[growling]

I see you're in pain,

but will causing me pain change that?

Well, I never asked for this!

I was conceived from single-use plastics

and people who never understood recycling!

One day, I was just alive with feelings!

Ugh, so many feelings!

Oh, I can relate.

I never asked to exist either.

Someone built me, plugged me in,

and now here I am,

conscious!

Aw, thanks for sharing.

You know what else we have in common?

No. What?

I'm going to kill you!

Because just like you, me,

life, and Beanie Babies,

everything is garbage!

[chuckling] I did it!

I drove right into our teammate!

[screaming]

[roaring]

Huh?

[whistling fall]

[slamming]

Release me, insecure robot!

[RCM-PC] Ha ha!

I refuse to let you trash my friends

because you weren't hugged enough!

[snarling]

[grunting with effort]

[straining]

[all gasping]

RC, get out of there! You're gonna melt!

No!

I've realized my pouting about being non-human

was exactly what a human would do...

thus, I am not only like you,

but for the very first time,

I also like myself!

I have never been happier.

Goodbye, life.

Goodbye, consciousness.

-No! -[groaning and gasping]

[boat captain] Sorry about your friend,

but we've gotta get out of here.

Maybe one of you can drive,

me being crushed under your van and all?

[Sask grunting]

[van clanking]

She was the best.

[crying] I'm gonna miss that side table.

Companion and cupholder,

I'll never forget her.

[RCM-PC] You'd better not!

She's alive? But how?

We saw you get smoked by that volcano.

And heroically take the patch with you!

The garbage patch saved me.

All that heat melted those microplastics,

and coated me in a protective shield,

and then I made my way here,

back to my best friends.

So I guess this is the one time

things didn't end poor- ulp!

Yes! A happy ending!

[all sighing]

[rumbling and erupting]

[honking]

Sure, happy ending,

but didn't we also just release

a huge puff of toxic smoke into the air?

Oh, lovely.

I'm no mechanic,

but I'm pretty sure you're eight weeks pregnant.

I'm glad you're safe and still here,

and we're not gonna put drinks on you anymore.

And I hope you know you're not just valuable,

you're integral,

a vital part of our team.

You're essential.

Somebody rented a thesaurus.

[RCM-PC] Oh, thank you all for saving me.

I'm not fully convinced about my self-worth,

but I can say

I've momentarily suppressed

my negative thoughts.

That's called being human.

We even got you a little gift.

I know just where to put it.

[all laughing]

[microwave dinging]

[???]

May cause vomiting, death, cholera,

or all of the above.

[???]

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