Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

?

(Text on screen)

(Dramatic instrumental music)

?

[???]

Please pass the mustard, Father.

[chuckling fondly] Happy to, son.

[whooshing overhead]

[horrified screaming]

[screaming]

[firing gun]

[screaming continuing]

[screaming]

[spaceship powering up]

[???]

People of Earth!

I'm- [coughing and hacking]

[hacking]

People of Earth!

I'm Ted Zorg Senior,

and I am here to enslave you!

[cackling maniacally]

[coughing and hacking]

[inhaling deeply]

Your monuments are my weapons,

and now for the piece de resistance...

Huh?

How do you work that stupid thing?

There are too many buttons!

At least give me a minute,

then you're all gonna die!

[screaming]

Call...

the Righteousness Club!

[Announcer] In the centre of all that is moral,

Earth's greatest superheroes have assembled.

Amazing Man!

[snarling]

Hero Gal!

Bat Crusader!

And Marine Gent!

Together they are the Righteousness Club!

Their mission: to fight wrongdoing

and defend-

and... they're dead.

[gasping and wheezing]

[Ted] You fell for my trap, super idiots!

I got you all together,

and then killed you all together!

[cackling wickedly]

Without heroes, your planet is defenseless!

[screaming]

I'll be back tomorrow with my entire armada

for my complete domination of Earth!

[laughing maniacally]

[coughing]

[Announcer] With Earth now as defenceless as a baby,

soft-shelled turtle,

or even a baby soft-shelled turtle,

the world's leaders gather to plan their next steps.

[screaming in terror]

All Earth's heroes are dead. Is terrible, no?

Is terrible, yes!

[vomiting]

It's really bad,

and I'm German.

We know really bad.

Like always, America knows

just how to handle this.

[screaming and blasting guns]

[all screaming]

[sobbing and vomiting]

[gently] Yoo-hoo. Hello?

Excuse me, sorry.

I might know who can save us.

Who the Helsinki are you?

Canada's Prime Minister.

[glinting]

Sorry for my casual clothes.

My shift at the furniture store just ended.

So who can save us?

Tell!

[splashing] Tell!

Well, for years,

there have been rumours

about some Canadian superheroes.

If they do exist, I could try to find them.

Canadian superheroes?

[laughter]

No, you're right.

Why don't we call the Righteousness Club again?

Oopsie, we can't.

Make the call.

[mobile device beeping]

[???]

[Announcer] In a country known for snow

and not inventing Post-it notes

live six of the world's most mediocre heroes...

Poutine!

Able to blast hot, cheesy fries at any wrongdoing

in two languages...

Niagara Falls!

The mighty maiden of moisture

and defender of the environment...

Sasquatchewan!

The nexus of brute strength

and brute ignorance... -[belching]

Chinook!

A young Inuit who can harness snow and ice,

and sometimes, depending on the weather,

even sleet...

-RCM-PC! -[dial-up tone warbling]

A cyborg that's both a P.C. and PC...

And Breakaway!

With sweat, steel, and stick-handling,

when evil's in the net,

he shoots and scores!

Cobbled together,

they'll become

Super Team Canada!

[distant loon calling]

[Prime Minister] Thank you all for coming.

I'll be brief, because I've got a sofa sale to get back to.

I know none of you have met before,

and this may be awkward,

but you're a team now,

and the world needs you.

That's why we've set you up with this lair!

As a child, I never had a lair!

I'm so jealous!

Oh, it makes sense

we haven't met before.

Canada's a big, diverse country,

second largest in the world.

Did you guys know Jim Carrey is Canadian?

-[all groaning] -D'uh!

Well, as the natural team leader,

let me jump over the boards.

I'm sure you've all heard of me, Breakaway,

and if it helps break the ice, pun intended,

I do sign autographs.

Boom! Two minutes in the awesome box!

[skates gliding]

Karate moves!

I've only known you for ten seconds,

and spent nine of those

wanting to beat the crap out of you.

If we're forced to work together for this assignment,

I nominate me,

and I also vote for me.

Wow, talk about momentum.

That was two votes, we all saw that,

and discount Chewbacca votes for me, right?

[grunting]

[smashing and groaning]

Guys, I have a solution,

but maybe you don't want to hear it

because I'm too handsome, hmm?

Does he really need to be here?

Or... alive?

Aw, you two know each other?

That's great.

It's so nice to work with friends.

Oh, parts of us have met many times.

I'm referring to, uh...

We made the Boom Boom Geoffrion,

le Bonhomme Carnaval,

we got it Celine Dion.

[chuckling suggestively]

You know... sex.

It was Canada Day years ago,

and I had eaten a funky Nanaimo Bar.

Nobody could have thought straight

in that scenario.

Another piece of history rewritten by you Anglos!

[Sasquatchewan growling]

No offense, but you guys seem like idiots.

Let's brawl! Huah!

Enough!

What part of "international emergency"

don't you goofs get? -[vacuuming]

[whimpering]

Sorry for the rough language. Sorry.

[notification beeping] Aw, my Uber pool's here.

Super Team Canada is Earth's last chance,

so get it together!

I'm sorry, did I have an opinion? Sorry.

[groaning]

[news report beginning]

[Chinook] Damn, Ted's back early.

Like our Thanksgiving!

More like your Thanksgiving.

Oh... [chuckling awkwardly] [processor beeping]

All right, huddle up, team.

[footsteps retreating]

The Captain is always the last man off the ship.

[slurping] Great job mushing up these lima beans.

Oh, I can't tell you how warm they feel on my-

[alert blaring]

[shrieking] My man plums!

[groaning]

Who the Klarn are those guys?

[shouting] Huah! Ha!

Shut la gueule!

Poutine is here!

Move it, citizens!

-Out of my way! -Take a seat, Grandma!

[roaring]

I've got Ted right where I want him!

[groaning]

Hey, Ted,

go puck yourself.

[horn sounding]

[clanking]

[smacking]

People!

Let's discuss our approach

and our feelings.

D'accord, try this on for fries!

Ice to meet you!

[thudding, power surging]

[cackling wickedly]

[all laughing]

Thanks for the pre-invasion entertainment,

but I grow tired of the nuisance.

Now let me show you how a pro does it.

Tractor beam!

[thudding heavily]

[screaming] My army apples!

After I enslave everyone,

I am writing this tractor beam company

a very stern letter!

[Announcer] Have Earth's would-be heroes failed?

Has their first mission left them defeated,

humiliated,

and presumably still paying for gym memberships

when they don't even go anymore?

A truly unfortunate turn of events,

like me mixing up my medications.

Hopefully this one ends better,

and without the hostage negotiator.

[zapping sharply]

Well, well, well,

Canadian superheroes.

Who's ever heard of something so ridicu-

Ah! [crashing]

Seriously? We lost to this guy?

Klarg, kill that floor!

[blast ricocheting]

[yelping in pain]

Wilson, kill Klarg!

No one likes a crybaby.

[blasting, Klarg yelping]

And now yourself.

You understand.

Can't have any loose ends.

[blast splatting]

[coughing]

When I made a list

of all Earth's heroes to eliminate,

I never even thought of Canada.

Why would I?

Canada is just like my sex drive!

Negligible.

[wailing and crying]

Mommy!

[stops crying] Ah...

Enjoy the final view of your planet,

because Earth as you know it is over!

[cackling wickedly]

[grows to maniacal laughing]

I know now might not be the time to point fingers, but...

I blame Poutine!

Moi? I had everything under control

until these two knocked me out of the sky!

You lactosey liar!

[roaring]

[all shouting and arguing]

Sorry to interrupt your squabbling.

I just forgot the best part.

Well, best for me,

worst for you.

[laughing maniacally]

[wicked cackling]

[Announcer] Have our heroes failed?

Is Earth doomed?

Who's this Roger fellow who keeps calling my wife?

The answers to many of these questions,

but not all of them,

on the next exciting episode of...

Super Team Canada!

[???]

[???]

[Announcer] Previously seen on Super Team Canada...

[roaring]

[maniacal laughter, horrified screaming]

[Announcer] And here's some stuff that didn't happen.

[laughing]

[sobbing]

[goofy chuckling]

[Announcer] Last we saw our heroes,

they met defeat.

Now all hope is lost,

and Earth is in grave peril.

Can our heroes find a way

out of this mess?

I sure hope so.

My Nana is coming over tomorrow.

[Ted laughing and coughing]

These are your heroes?

Your defenders? [cackling]

They didn't even put up a fight,

and I respect a good fight.

[slurping]

It might be wise of you

to get a team of superheroes

who fight the enemy more than each other!

But, you know, I'm just blue sky-in' here.

[cackling wickedly]

Your heroes failed!

I knew I should have waited

on that celebratory perogy basket.

Whoa!

Hell, my six-year-old niece Molly

could have done better.

Of course, she has the gun I gave her at her baptism...

[hawk crying, weapon cocking]

I know I say "sorry" a lot,

but now, well...

Sorry.

I told you Canada was a joke!

We've wasted enough time letting them tug our taffy!

[???]

[Ted] You know the word "super-villain"

gets thrown around willy-nilly these days,

but... [cackling]

Come on!

Aren't you proud of me, Daddy?

Wait, you're Ted Senior,

and your father was Ted Junior?

That's how names work with us!

We also put hot sauce on pancakes,

and can yell "Bingo!" after only two numbers.

Deal with it!

Anywhizzle,

I'm about to enslave your fellow earthlings!

[laughing maniacally, heroes sobbing]

[clanking]

Daddy dap!

Mm-hmm... Mm!

[Breakaway] Those bars are getting close fast,

and if this is how it ends,

I need to admit something.

We know you're the one who's been farting.

Listen, I know you all see me as flawless,

maybe even some kind of a perfect specimen,

but I'm not.

I say I'm smart with money,

but I'm broke!

My bank account's like Vancouver Stanley Cups-

[wailing] Zero!

[sobbing, banging helmet]

[Chinook clearing throat]

Sometimes

when I say I've summoned an ice storm,

I'm really just moving my arms

after having checked the weather report.

Once,

a man in the CN Tower washroom

mistook me for a urinal,

and I liked it.

We've been over this!

I didn't mistake you for a urinal,

I just didn't want to wait for one.

[mumbling growl]

[all gasping]

We all have things we're embarrassed of.

Remember, I dated lumber-jerk?

Ah! [stammering] [cannons spurting weakly]

Well, that's familiar.

[groaning] No!

Don't worry, Fran�ois.

She doesn't mean it.

The fact is, we're all here

because of our own stupid behaviour,

spelled with a "U,"

like it's meant to be.

We're supposed to be Super Team Canada,

but we couldn't even follow the one core concept

that makes our country so special.

Curling?

Andr�-Philippe Gagnon?

Overpriced airport maple candy?

Those things are great,

but we have one thing that other countries don't.

We're a mosaic,

made up of huge prairies,

a thriving French culture,

vibrant Indigenous communities,

politeness, and a small but growing technology sector,

Clean renewable energy,

and...

A voice like sexy gravel?

Yeah, okay, sure.

If only we had all worked together in the first place.

Wait, I just came up with a plan.

We should work together!

I just said that.

You heard me,

and now you're simply repeating it.

Aw, that's a crazy way of saying I'm right,

but I always try to make time for my fans.

[chuckling indulgently]

[sighing] That's not even how you spell "Breakaway."

Now, just like Canada,

we're not perfect,

but you know what can make our team work?

Teamwork!

[Ted] Computer, status report?

Today's schedule,

dominate Earth,

then dominate a nap.

Two things?

Gah, this is a busy day!

[wall smashing and crumbling]

[gasps of surprise]

We make Bloody Marys with Clamato juice

and call them "Caesars"!

I wasn't sure what Ted said before we burst in,

so I wanted my announcement to be generic.

How did you get out?

I personally designed that jail cell

to be escape-proof

for every kind of superhero power!

True, but there's one power you never thought of!

A mosaic!

That,

and Breakaway kicking a hole in my oil pan

with his skates,

and the others smeared the oil

as a protective coating on Sasquatchewan

so he could step through the laser bars

with only minimal damage!

And now, Space Wipe,

you're about to learn

that you just pissed up the wrong maple tree!

Let's do this

for the good old red, white, and...

red?

Super Team Canada...

L'attaque!

[blasting]

[roaring battle cries]

[???]

[crunching]

Hah!

[slapshot cracking]

[goal horn buzzing]

[crowd cheering]

H'yah!

[yelping]

[groaning]

Ha ha!

[groaning]

[low cackling]

You think you've stopped me?

Well... you have,

but there's no rule that says

I can't suddenly start a new thing

that you haven't even thought about stopping yet!

Aah!

This ship is now a giant bomb

heading straight up the caboose

of your precious Council of Nations!

[screaming]

He's coming for us,

and I never said goodbye to my wife...

I can't die!

There's so much stuff I haven't shot yet!

We should have never trusted Canada!

Their God is a beaver!

If this is the end of the world,

no more "sorrys"!

Sorry.

I was rude. Sorry.

[all screaming]

Have fun dying, ding-dongs.

Tell Earth I'll be back,

and I'll be even worse next time,

like shingles!

[cackling wickedly]

The space-hole is trying to escape!

We... can't... quit... now.

I know just what to do.

Like Niagara said-

[all together] Mosaic!

I'll get things started...

with way too much water!

Hah!

Ah!

And for grip, le fromage!

[squelching]

[grunting with effort]

[spitting, slapshot cracking]

Give 'er!

[shattering]

[screaming]

Lame snow pun!

It looks like you are trying to call off a kamikaze mission.

Need help?

A polite no.

[brakes screeching]

[groaning]

We did it!

Great work, Super Team Canada!

Don't jerk your gherkins too fast.

Ted's got one more trick

up his diabetic-friendly sleeve!

[robot voice] Self-destruct

in three... two... -[all gasping]

[gasping] They're dead!

-[wailing in distress] -Nein!

[sobbing]

Wait, butter my biscuits,

look over there!

[screeching]

Yay! Yes!

-They did it! -[guns blasting]

[laughing in delight]

[Ted screeching]

[geese honking]

[cheering]

[crashing, geese honking]

[geese honking]

Guys, the, uh, pisser may smell like burnt Vegemite

for a few- Crikey!

Who the hell did this?

The greatest and most polite heroes

the world has ever known...

Super Team Canada.

[RCM-PC] I can't feel pain, but that hurt.

So with great pride,

and a very tight 51% vote,

we make Super Team Canada

Earth's official, and only,

super defenders,

and we've also asked someone special

to present you with medals

in recognition of your heroism today-

Lane Grotski and his wife, Jenny.

They sound close to names I've heard before,

but they were maybe changed for legal reasons or something?

Who cares?

[Sasquatchewan shrieking]

[grunting excitedly]

He's a big fan.

[grunting excitedly]

Can't... breathe... [bones crunching]

A really big fan,

and, uh, condolences. -[gasping]

He'll be okay.

He just had the life hugged out of him.

[chuckling]

Thank you all,

and speaking personally,

I'm humbled to be the self-appointed captain

of such a great team.

[laughing]

Uh, I think I deserve that more than you.

In life, you don't get what you deserve.

You get what you grab.

-[grunting and struggling] -Get off!

[boxing bell dinging]

[alert dinging]

[printing]

[gasping]

The radioactive sex doll King Dong

is causing a volcano to erupt,

and it's right above a summer camp

for the lava-sensitive!

Another crisis?

[Breakaway] How are you so strong?

We are sure the good heroes are dead? Ja?

Yeah. [sighing]

Then this seems like a job for...

you guys!

[together] Mosaic!

Super Team Canada!

Let's fly!

[geese honking]

[crashing]

[grunting]

Whoo-hoo!

[???]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosions]

[distant loon call]

[???]

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