Original subtitles

Lester!

You idiot, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm OK, Mr. Flint.

Would you mind... Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing up there?

Wait, one second.

It was a little accident, just get my...

- Could you get... - Easy...

- Just help my legs. - Yeah.

Wait, bring my body with it 'cause it's all connected.

Could you just bring... Come forward, just...

- That's it. Oh, wait one second. - I just...

OK, all right. Now, if you just take me...

All right, just get off already!

Walk me over to the counter, because I'll fall.

Wait... Wait, my leg. I need that.

- Your leg? - Yeah, it matches the other one.

- Oh... - What happened?

I was working on a TV set,

and I walked into an unfriendly transistor cap,

- And... - It wasn't my set, was it?

Oh no! Your set is fixed, it's perfect.

It's like brand... new.

And it's $8.50 that you owe me, parts included.

$8.50? What was wrong with it?

Well, you see, your patterns were dropping.

Uh, Mr. Flint, you see, you have a transistor head,

a magneto plug with your input jack

which resuscitates most of the volume.

By hitting the fine tuner, you take the rabbit ears,

or whatever animal you choose...

Ha! And of course, you press it,

and insure the picture locking in rather than wavelengths,

you know what I mean? The UHF has a consistency

that's all dependant upon the transistor heads.

You want to pay cash or money order?

Quiet, will you? Will I get a clear picture now?

Will you get a clear picture?

No... Yes, I was only fooling,

because it's all fixed like I said.

Here, The Late Late Show will never look younger.

Watch this.

Is that a clear picture?

Huh, Mr. Flint? That's really clear,

I always thought that guy was Japanese.

That ain't bad for $8.50, including the parts.

- Quiet, turn up the sound. - Yeah.

Now, the local news.

In a week, it will be the first anniversary

of the death of electronics tycoon, Charles P. Albright,

often referred to as the father of television...

$16.75 was the last job that I did for you, you know that?

Look, will you shut up? I want to hear this.

Yeah, I will.

In his will, Albright left his multi-million dollar estate to his only son,

Charles Jr., who hasn't been seen

since his mother ran off with the baby 25 years ago.

You know, for $16.75 from the old job,

and $8.50 now, that's only 25...

Will you shut up and listen to this?

I didn't add it good anyhow.

According to the terms of the will,

unless the missing son was found within a year after his father's death,

the estate will go to Albright's spinster sister, Cecilia.

She is seen here with her fiance and attorney,

Gregory DeWitt, at a press conference today.

I am offering a reward to anyone, everyone,

to help find my long lost missing nephew.

The reward will be $100,000.

A 100,000 bucks?

I gotta find that kid, I just gotta.

You could do it too, Mr. Flint.

I mean, with a $100,000...

then if you've got that kind of money,

you maybe could make a little down payment on a bill you owe me.

Will you shut up, kid? I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

I only got a week to do it, I've got to work fast.

Oh, you can do it, Mr. Flint.

You're the best private eye shamus in the whole world.

I knew it the first day you came into my TV store with your seven inch set.

That was the day I said I was going to be your idol,

that I'm your fan.

- That you're my idol. - You're bugging me, kid.

Well, I don't mean to do no bad things,

but I wanted to be a shamus private eye just like you.

I've been studying on it and everything,

I've been reading research books on how to be the

best private eye with a shamus badge.

I'll... I've got books here that I've been studying

to be just like you, Mr. Flint.

See, I've been studying all about this and, and...

all of the research here. Kiss the Blood Off of My Neck,

and The Corpse Came Gift Wrapped,

it was a warm, tender, embracing part.

And The Haunted Fallout Shelter...

Oh boy, did they get theirs.

The Nose Cone Caper, where they...

It was like The Fallout.

And The Case of the Homicidal Homing Pigeon,

where he had little... pellets out of the wings

and boom, 1,400 people got it.

Death Takes A Coffee Break, with or without sugar.

And The Bullet Proof Bikini, that's a good... I like that.

Forget it, kid. You ain't cut out to be a detective.

Ah, please, Mr. Flint. Give me a chance.

Let me be your assistant shamus.

We can be like the Three Musketeers minus one.

All for each, and two for... Oh, don't shoot.

I'm too tall to hurt. Oh please, don't pull no things...

So, you want to be a private detective, huh?

Yeah, but don't hurt...

Look, kid, a good detective would've taken the gun away from me.

But look at you. No guts.

No, my guts just wasn't ready.

I'll rev them up and they'll really sparkle.

Forget it. You ain't got it, kid.

Stick with wrastling the TV sets.

I ain't got it, Jocko.

I give this guy one, two, three. Break that head.

Ain't got it, huh? You're going to get yours, eh?

I'll show you who's got guts. I'll just take that gun away...

What? What? Wait a minute. What are you doing, you nut?

You want to kill somebody?

I'll show you who's got guts.

Damn it! Get away from me, will ya?

It's only wounded, Mr. Flint. You could have it fixed in a jiffy.

Open the trunk and take the spare tire out.

Take out a jack also, and you take the lugs off the tire,

and take off the old bad and put on a new good.

And tighten the lugs and it's on...

It's not long...

You belong to the Automobile Club?

A bus passes here a lot, or you can take a shuttle train.

I'm... I'll deliver your TV set tomorrow, Mr. Flint.

Mr. Flint?

Mr. Flint? It's me, Lester.

Your television person.

Psst... Psst... Mr. Flint?

Your TV...

Hey bird.

Tch! Get out of there!

Shh! Shoo, bird!

Hey, bird?

This is not an easy... Hey.

Did you ever see such a bird?

Hey bird...

...if you have a message for me, deliver it and get out of here.

You're not helping me, bird.

Bird... Well, at least give me a hand.

Bird!

Bye, bird.

There's a window there.

See... Copper!

No, I'm a copper.

All right, come on out of there.

Help me. Please, you must help me.

- Help you, what? - I'm desperate!

And I'm so defenseless. My husband wants to kill me!

He doesn't love me anymore!

Maybe he's tired.

Will you cut it out, lady. I haven't got a license to practice.

I love private investigators.

I want you to investigate me.

I'm not a private investigator.

- You want Pete Flint. - You're not Pete Flint?

No, but I could fix your TV set.

Sex maniac!

Oh, oh...

Oh, oh now.

- Oh, Mr. Flint, I fixed... - Don't bother me, kid. I've got problems.

How you doing on the Albright caper, Mr. Flint?

Beat it, will you, kid? Let me have my breakfast.

Uh, did you go out to the Albright house?

- I mean, did you go there? - Yeah, I went.

Yeah? Does the inside look electronic like they say and all that?

They wouldn't let me past the front gate.

How come? Didn't they know who you was...?

- The gates are run by remote control. - Remote control?

They got them rigged with some kind of intercom and closed circuit TV...

I told the butler I was a private investigator,

I even showed him my badge.

Yeah, you flashed your buzzer at him.

- I told him I wanted to talk to the sister. - The dame.

- Or the lawyer. - Or the mouthpiece.

- Said I wanted to work on the case. - On the caper...

He said they don't like private detectives...

- Shamus's, they hate them all. - Sent me on my way.

- Yeah, they kissed you off. - Will you shut up

with that idiot television talk?

Well, I was just trying to help, that's all.

There's something fishy going on here.

Yeah, I was thinking...

Why would they offer a hundred grand reward

to find the missing heir if they didn't want nobody butting in?

- Yeah, why would they do that? - They're hiding something.

Hiding something. Yeah, they must be.

I sure wish I could figure out a way to get through

those front gates and see what's going on.

Yeah, you got to get in there and case the joint.

The front gates. How can you figure a way to beat that?

The front gates. It's electronic. Remote control,

from that electronic system.

You know what you could do, Mr. Flint?

You need a shave.

Hey, I have an idea!

Listen, listen, here's a terrific idea, Mr. Flint.

I know how we can get into the house.

See, I'm a TV repair man and I can always say

that Mr. Albright, before he died...

I say, I can always say...

Mr. Albright, you know, before he died?

That he brought a TV set for repair, you know?

And I have the set,

and you could always hide in the truck.

You could bring your friend, you know?

In the... good idea or not?

Maybe if I didn't have a set at all.

Maybe I could just be a truck?

No. Well, when you're not busy again with a customer,

it's swell business.

- Lester! - Yeah!

- Baby, sweetheart. - What happened? I didn't do...

I thought of a way to get through the gates,

- and you're going to help me. - Yeah? How, how, how?

- How? You're going to deliver... - Yeah.

...a television set to the Albright house.

- Yeah? - You're going to tell them

the old man brought it in for repairs before he died.

- Yeah? Yeah, it's terrific. - Huh? Now,

I'll hiding out in the back of your truck

while you act as a decoy, I'll sneak out of the truck

and have a look around, clever?

Clever?

You want to be my assistant, don't you?

- Now is your big chance. - Oh, you're kidding me.

Oh, Lester March, kid shamus.

All right...

Oh, I can even call you by your maiden name.

- Don't over do it. - Pete, instead of Mr. Flint.

Kid, you've arrived. Call me Pete.

Oh, could I try it once?

Pete! Oh, it's beautiful.

- You OK? - I got to rehearse being a private eye.

I got to be cold like steel.

I got to squint and sneer a lot.

Be tough, cold, nerves of steel.

Keep in touch, baby.

Keep in touch with both of us.

That's all right!

Ouch!

Well, here we are, shamus pal.

All right. Now go on and ring that bell

and remember, say exactly what I told you to say.

Yeah, I will. Don't you worry, I'll handle this caper.

Look, will you stop with that cornball detective talk?

They'll be watching on a closed circuit television screen

hooked up to that lens above the intercom on the gate.

I'm going to be on television?

Oh, I hope I look as good on television like I do in person.

You'll look dead if you don't say the right thing.

- Now beat it. - OK, I will.

Ow! That wasn't funny! Ow!

Who is it?

Oh, Lester, of Lester's TV Repair.

I'm here live, in person, at the front gate.

You got the wrong place. We didn't call you.

Oh no, I know you didn't call me but over a year ago

Mr. Albright brought in his TV set to be repaired and I'm bringing it here.

TV set? You must be mistaken.

Oh, Leopold.

I'd like to have my teensy-weensy

bit of diet lunch right on the terrace today.

No, I'm not mistaken.

I got the set right here with me live in person.

- That voice. - I said you made a mistake.

You're mistaken saying I'm mistaken.

Your mistake is because I got the set right here.

Oh! It's him!

Him?

- You know him? - Yes!

He... he's the image of my dear departed brother.

Nobody came in to pick up the TV set

and when I heard that Mr. Albright was dead,

you know, I figured that he couldn't pick it up very well.

So, just as a courtesy,

which is no extra charge to here, it's now me.

Oh, he's the exact image of my brother Charlie

before he grew his beard!

Oh, it's Charlie's son!

- It's Charlie's long lost son! - What is that frightening?

He's come back!

He's come back!

What happened to her?

She saw him on the screen and went into a flip-flop.

- Oh, Miss Albright! - I don't know what happened.

For, for no reason at all, she screamed and then she fainted.

Poor Miss Albright. You're not at all well.

Miss Paxton, take her upstairs and give her a sedative.

- Yes. - Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear.

You mind telling me what's going on here?

She saw a guy at the gate. Said it was the image of the old man

before he had a beard.

Image of the old man? Where?

Well, he said he was bringing back a TV

he repaired for the old man.

Ridiculous. The old man built his own TV sets,

always repaired them himself.

Let me see him.

That's amazing.

The Albright eyes, the Albright nose.

Talk to him.

You say you have a TV?

Oh, me... yeah. Oh, right here in my truck.

That's the old man's voice.

That's incredible.

I wonder what his game is.

We'd better find out.

Let him in.

Let him in? Is that smart?

Yes, I think it's smart.

OK, chief.

Come on up, fella.

Uh, roger, wilco, A-OK and everything's go.

Well, I got us in.

That makes me a full fledged shamus associate.

OK, OK. Now, get going. The gates are opening.

Yeah, OK. I'm going to go now.

Ow!

OK, shamus, get out.

All right, now remember... Stall.

Take plenty of time so I'll have a chance to look around.

Yeah. Don't you worry about it.

I'll stall and you'll have plenty of time to look around.

Don't you worry about it.

I'll stall.

What if he turns out to be the old man's son?

He'll get all the loot and where will we be?

Will you stop babbling and let me handle this?

Now go up and make sure that my idiot bride-to-be is asleep

Oh, I know who you are. You're the Albright lawyer.

- Have we met before? - No, I saw you on TV.

I seen you with that Miss Albright,

and you were doing the news standing there.

You looked better in person then on television.

That's very nice of you to say so, Mister...

March. My name is Lester March.

Lester's Radio and TV Repair.

24 hours service, all repairs guaranteed, we never close.

I'll get your TV set for you.

The image...

The image of my brother Charlie...

Who's the image?

That boy... That boy at the gates.

You sleep now. You got to sleep, Miss Albright.

Just sleep.

That's it.

All right.

Watch your step.

They get heavier...

Is that... That's...

...Charles P. Albright.

The founder of...

That's, if it wasn't...

That's the man that made...

Oh...

Mr. Electric, you are him.

A bulb with a picture.

I only had a radio. Now he made it to see and hear a...

He made a screen... Oh!

Were it not for Mr. Albright,

do you think it would be possible for us today

to enjoy clear, vivid picture viewing?

Nay, hence, and get out of there.

Mr. Albright created a density lock visually

so that in the event there was an impaired vision, front and back,

you wouldn't apply yourself and then get caught with one eye shook off...

He locked them so that the fusion of the electronic cathode tube

would advance itself, deteriorate, and then the one look

from the one eye would create at least an abundance of sight.

You're such a brilliant young man,

I'd rather know more about you.

Oh, it's not me. I'm just merely quoting

what Mr. Albright, this genius...

You see the fine tuner very rarely will pull out,

and then you get...

sound or the picture waivers.

By him locking it, you get sound clear,

as opposed to lock, picture, no eyes, straight.

And you hear from the locking of the antenna.

So you don't touch. He created a... Oh.

He made the knob so that you don't look and you lay back and see.

...or just a screen designated to apply sound and picture.

Ahhh...

Not only sound, uh-uh. Nay.

But by applying the picture, the cathode tube,

the reactivator and the cathode method,

which is an adapter to the magneto head, would apply sound picture.

Please, you're making me sad.

That's exactly the way my good friend,

Mr. Albright, used to talk.

I must say you have a remarkable knowledge of electronics.

Where did you get all of this information?

Oh, I don't know. I guess the first time I ever came upon it

was when I stuck my finger into an electric light socket.

It curled my hair, it also broke me from thumb sucking habit.

- It happened at the orphanage. - The orphanage?

- Yeah, the orphanage. - You were adopted?

That's how you got your name?

That's how I got... No, I'm not... I wasn't adopted.

No, but that's how... No. I wasn't adopted,

but that's how I got my name, see?

I, I was left at the orphanage in March,

and that, that, that gave Mr. Callahan the idea,

he's the superintendent of the orphanage,

to call me March for a last name, see?

And it was glad for me that I wasn't there in December,

because I'd have to be Bucking Christmas.

And how did you come by your first name?

Oh, from my pet cat, Lester.

His name is Lester, so my pussy cat was my name for the front.

So, I made it Pussy March,

but you can't be a Pussy March for a boy.

So I named me Lester, his name, Lester March instead of Pussy March.

And where was this orphanage?

Oh, just up north, Sunny Oaks.

It's very lovely, unfortunately though it only has one tree.

Slanty branches and a starch trunk.

- It's a poor, plain... - Sunny Oaks Orphanage.

- Yeah. - Sounds like a lovely place.

- Going somewhere, Wanda? - I'm going to the drugstore.

Miss Albright's asleep.

Would you like some company, Wanda?

No, thank you.

If you don't mind, I would just like to mention

that I know a lot more about Mr. Albright.

You know, I read a lot about him, I could tell you a lot.

- Some other time. - What about the TV set?

- I could fix... - No, that won't be necessary.

And now that I know who you are, you'll be seeing more of me.

Oh well, that's very nice...

- What's that? - An electronic lawn mower.

That's a lawn mower?

One of Mr. Albright's last inventions.

He believed in doing his gardening by remote control.

Look at the size of those teeth.

What does it eat besides the lawn?

I'm sure you have other calls to make,

I don't want to detain you any longer.

No, on the contrary. I got no place to go.

I'd just as soon stay here and chat with you.

I love to chat. I'm a very good chatter.

You just name it and I'll chat it.

- Goodbye, Mr. March. - You're leaving?

Oh, that's goodbye to me? Oh, well, thanks, Mr. DeWitt.

Nice to have seen you and I could use the business.

I'm going now. If you mean goodbye, then I'll leave.

Farewell, Mr. DeWitt. I'm going to get into my truck and go.

I'll just get out because there's no more time to stall!

There's no need to shout, Mr. March.

Shout?! I wasn't shouting!

Uh, Mr. DeWitt, I was merely saying fare thee well!

Au revoir!

Bon voyage! Auf wiedersehen! And arrivederci!

Into my little truck! I like to pet that truck!

It's a good little truck and I'm on my way there, Mr. DeWitt.

Really on my way!

- Watch it! - Shh!

I'll be seeing you, Mr. DeWitt.

We're on our way! Farewell!

Yoo-hoo! Bye-bye!

Will you shut up!

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, Mr. Flint! Yoo-hoo!

Will you stop blowing that stupid horn, you idiot?

Well, I had to find out where you were.

- You had to find out! - Well, I was just looking for you.

How would you get out of here if I didn't?

Oh, I need!

What'd you find out?

I have a little errand for you.

Sunny Oaks Orphanage?

Mr. Callahan?

It's the kind of errand you enjoy.

Hey, wait a minute. There's that girl.

- Girl? What girl? Where? - The one who was at the house.

Pull over. I think she wants a lift.

Pick her up and don't let on that I'm here.

Maybe she'll say something I can use.

Yeah? Well, I was brought up never to pick up girls,

and especially not to talk to them unless we're introduced.

Lester, baby, it's all in the line of duty, shamus partner.

Don't you want to earn your gat and your buzzer?

- Huh? - I'll pick her up.

Good, good boy. Just be careful.

- Would you like a lift? - Yes, please.

There's something wrong with my car, and I have to get to town.

- Oh well, hop in. - Thank you.

You know you're thefirst girl I've ever picked up in my whole life?

Well, maybe you'd feel better if we introduced ourselves.

- Yeah, I'd like that. - My name is Wanda Paxton.

- I'm a nurse. - Oh. Hello.

My name is Lester March. I'm a TV... thing.

I mean, I own... I'm Lester March

of Lester's TV and Radio Repair, 24 hour service,

guaranteed night and day.

Well, then this is your truck.

Yeah. Well, it will be. In 30 more payments.

You look like a girl I used to have a crush on.

- Her name was Esther. - What happened to her?

Oh, well, after she was adopted from the orphanage,

- I never saw her no more. - You were an orphan?

Oh yeah, mm-hm. They didn't adopt me, I guess,

because I wasn't as pretty as Esther.

You know what I think?

I think I'm going to get married to a girl that...

already has parents, you know, a mother and a father,

and a step-mother and a step-father,

and a grandmother and a grandfather.

Then I'll have a whole family all at one time with no sweat.

Instant kin.

That's a good one.

Well, I have a mother and a father.

And the next time our TV set needs repair,

I could call you and then you could come over and get to meet them.

Oh, I'd like that. That would be very nice.

And maybe if we need a sick pill or a medicine better,

you could meet a friend of mine who's been like a father to me,

Mr. Callahan. He's the head of the orphanage at Sunny Oaks.

He's a great guy, you'd like him.

Hey. What are you doing?

Putting the name of the new partner on the door.

- Partner? - Yes, go right on in.

- He's open for business. - Get out of here.

Hiya, shamus partner!

Oh, no, Pete! Pete, no!

Not with the crutch, Pete!

No!

Thanks for being so cooperative, Mr. Callahan.

"Lester March, six years old.

Lester March, 10 years old with his cat Lester.

Lester and Esther.

The boy we have named Lester March.

We named him March because he was found

on the steps of this orphanage on the 15th of March, 1937

He was about two weeks old at the time.

That would make him 25. Just the age of the old man's son.

All we know about the boy was in the note pinned to his blanket.

Please take care of my son. Signed, a mother."

What's that?

It's a note written by the old man's wife,

telling him she was running away with the boy.

If the handwriting matches,

you may have another errand.

Should I use a gun?

There are laws against that.

Knife?

Strangulation.

Strangulation. I just love strangulation.

No fuss, no muss.

No. No, no, no.

A little bomb. Pow! Pow!

Now you see him, now you don't.

I got it. Poison.

Poison. I got a brand new recipe!

You take two parts strychnine, add a dash of arsenic...

Leopold, I know you're trying to be helpful.

This has to be handled with finesse.

Finesse... Finesse, that's how I got rid of the old man.

Everybody thought he died a natural death.

Pillow smothering is not for a young man like Mr. March.

We have to be careful.

And he's up to something, coming in with that phony television repair story.

You won't let me kill him.

You never let me have any fun.

I'm worried about Cecilia. She recognized the kid.

Well, I'll get rid of her, too.

Are you out of your mind?

I've got to marry her first and qualify for her will.

Then I will let you have your fun with her.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

It'll be like Christmas all over again.

I've got it.

An accident.

Mr. March must meet with an unavoidable

and very fatal... accident.

Ugh, accidents. Oh, I just love accidents.

Oh...

Oh, oh...

Wait a minute.

Hello, Lester's TV and Radio Repair...

Twenty-four hour, guaranteed service on all repairs.

What?

Oh, you need some transistors for your transistor radio, yeah.

Yeah, we deliver. Where you calling from?

You're in a manhole.

Oh, you're working in a man... in a manhole?

Oh, you're working in a manhole.

Yeah. At Fairfax and Second.

- OK. - I'll be waiting.

I brought your transistors!

Yo!

That's... They're here, OK!

Hey, you're on the wrong side. What are you, in England?

Get over there!

Why you...

Sunday driver!

Litter bug!

Lousy tourist!

Uh, my tubes are broke! All the transistors.

I'll have to get other ones.

Oh, no!

Oh!

♪ Isn't it romantic ♪

♪ Merely to be young on such a night like this ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic ♪

♪ Every little note is like a lover's kiss ♪

♪ Sweet symbols in the moonlight ♪

♪ Do you think that I will fall in love ♪

♪ Perchance ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic ♪

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my darling. I could listen to you forever.

Sweetheart, when we get married,

I'll sing for you every single night.

I can hardly wait.

Oh, darling, my happiness would be so complete

if only we had found Charlie's son.

Oh, my darling. Now, don't upset yourself.

You know we tried.

That boy, that boy at the gate.

I was so sure.

But sweetheart, sweetheart. Don't upset yourself.

Now, there was no boy at the gate,

you just imagined you saw him.

- No? - No.

- Oh. - It's time for bed, Miss Albright.

Oh.

Oh, that must be Leo. He's back.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Come on.

Oh, dear, dear, dear. Do I have to go?

- Yes. - All right.

Yes, Leopold?

There was a terrible accident at Fairfax and Second.

A fatal accident?

An unavoidable, fatal accident.

Lester's Radio and TV Repair.

- Who is this? - This is Lester March.

Would you mind snapping it up, I'm standing in a draft.

Oh, beautiful disciple of Hatha Yoga.

Now that your spirit is cleansed,

let ours move on to the next position.

Yes, master.

Get to your feet...

...Slowly, gracefully...

...Beautifully done.

In two days, that creature of loveliness will be mine.

All mine.

To love and to cherish,

and to share her millions with.

Till death do she part.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you've got a good sense of humor.

You won't think so if you've failed to exterminate Mr. March today.

Oh, I won't let you down, chief.

When you and Miss Albright get back from your ride in the country,

- he'll be in the obituaries. - I hope so, for your sake.

Keep exercising, my creature of loveliness,

my symphony.

Dance over to the bench.

Gracefully,

gracefully.

It's time for your medicine, Miss Albright.

Oh, yeah?

Phew.

Mm. You know, I'm not even tired.

Miss Albright, why do you torture yourself this way?

I've got to fit into my wedding gown.

Oh, just imagine. In 48 hours, I'll be a blushing bride.

- Take these. - Oh yeah.

Excuse me, darling. I dropped that one.

What time is it?

Oh, Gregory and I are going for a drive

in the country. Mm.

- The two of us, all alone. - Isn't Leopold driving you?

No, he asked for the day off.

He wants to go hunting or something.

- Hunting? - Mm-hm.

Hello Lester.

You better stay away from me

because I'm a jinx, I'm just bad luck.

You stick around me and you could wind up

getting run over in a manhole like I was or...

- Stay away. - What do you mean?

Well, I just don't want anything to happen to you, that's all.

If you stand close enough to me,

you could have a safe dropped on you, you could get shot at.

Everybody at the Albright house is gone.

I mean, you and I could be alone, just you and me.

Would you mind if I brought a friend?

What do I need him for? He tossed me out,

I'll go with you by myself. You don't mind if I bring...

You never know when you might...

Darling, you haven't told me you love me in five whole minutes.

Well, just being with you leaves me speechless.

Oh...

Don't answer it, darling.

Might be important business, sweetie.

Hm.

JLI3122.

What happened?

I was going to knock him off when Wanda shows up.

- What was she doing there? - How should I know?

- They left together. - Well, just stick around.

He's got to come back sometime.

Come on, don't be afraid.

Well, I'm not usually alone with girls a lot.

You're interested in electronics, aren't you?

- Yeah. - Well, this whole house is just full

of Mr. Albright's inventions.

Look at this.

Now, this is something that no home should be without.

Ooh!

Look at that thing move!

Is nobody helping that thing?

That's a speedy son of a gun.

That's got speed to it, it's not even electric.

It's got a motor but it ain't pushed without juice.

Ooh.

Oh, that thing! That thing was chasing me!

It was the real thing and it...

Ma'am? Who... That Mr. Albright was a genius

- the way he works, huh? - He was a wonderful man.

And worth millions.

Lester, what would you do, if you were worth millions?

- Me? Millions? - Mm-hm.

I never thought of it.

But I think if...

If I was worth millions, I would take the money...

and give it to all the orphans in the world.

And they could afford to buy new parents.

This is very interesting here...

Don't you think you ought to keep some of it for yourself,

I mean, you'd just give your fortune away?

Wouldn't you want to have some so you could afford to get married

when the right girl comes along?

- Who would marry me? - You'd be surprised.

This is a very interesting unit over there.

Lester, I want to ask you something.

Aren't you interested in anything except electronics?

Well, I heard Mr. Albright had a wonderful new stereo magneto head, I'd love to see.

All right, if you want to hear stereo.

How about something romantic?

Well... that's all right, but, I mean, if you have any

- train sound? - Trains?

I love trains. When I was a kid, I used to stay up all night

and listen to the sounds of the night of the train,

wondering where they were going trains.

Mr. Albright loved trains, too.

He recorded this train going 90 miles an hour.

So you just brace yourself, because this is truly, true to life stereo.

Real stereo, it's not one ear so you hear only a little,

but I want to hear both a lot.

All aboard!

Ohhh...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Tickets, please.

Turn it off. Off. Off!

That's... no more! Turn that part...

That's the loudest, truest noise I ever heard, so...

- What's the matter? - It was the loudest hearing.

I started to see. When I paid for the ticket.

- Yeah? - Can you believe that I love you?

Well, sure, I understand it.

If somebody says that they love... You love me?

Well, that's not the easiest thing in the world to believe.

A beautiful girl like you?

What do you want with someone like me?

I'm not a rich, wealthy millionaire person.

I'm a plain thing. As a matter of fact, I'm desperately poor.

I don't care how much money you have,

I just love you. I mean, I want to look after you

and see that nothing ever happens to you.

That's very nice, I appreciate that.

But how would you want to look after me?

You don't even know me. I don't even know who I am.

My name is even hand-me-down.

Let's get married. Let's just leave this house right now,

and elope to Las Vegas.

That sounds swell. It's a terrific idea

except that I was kind of looking forward to a church wedding.

You know, with the flower girls and all of that,

and the streamers, and the rice,

and the cans and shoes tied to the back of my truck.

You know, all people look forward to the kind of a thing...

Look, I don't mind just a simple service...

Mmm...

What happened to the lips? You started off a good thing?

You left at just the good part. Ah, you talked me into lips.

Could I have a few... Just another kiss.

I mean, my lip is really set for a few more.

Where did she go? Give me another lip.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. Where's your... What happened to our wedding?

- Shh. Shh. Shh. - What about the kissing?

Could we have more... That was good lip.

They're back already.

- Who, what? - Oh, they can't find you here.

- We've got to hide! - Why? What did they see?

- Let's see the end of that. - Come on!

Why are you trying to hide me?

I'm a friendly person, I don't mind meeting people.

Come on, don't just stand there, hurry!

- What about the kissing? - Never mind the kissing!

What about the kissing? The kissing is not important?

No, it's very important!

They're coming up the driveway!

- Come on, hurry. Hurry! - What about the kissing?

- What about the kissing? - Oh, hurry.

I still don't understand why we stopped that for.

Because when we were downstairs...

Oh, they're coming up the driveway.

I have to get into my uniform.

- Help me undress. - Yeah, all right.

Well, first you wanted me to go, now you want me to help you undress.

I'd be glad to... Undress!

- Yes, yes. - This is a zipper.

And then get my uniform out of the closet.

Uniform out of the closet. Yeah, OK. I'll get that.

- Where's the closet? - Hurry! No, it's in here.

- It's in here, sorry. - In that corner, yes.

A uniform out of the closet. Here's a uniform.

No, it's a white nurses uniform.

- Like a nurse, you know? - It's a white nurse's...

- Yeah. - Here's a white but it's a small uniform.

No, I'll take that.

Here... Here's a white.

- Give it to me, quick. - Here's a white but there's no nurse in it.

Let me... help...

What are you so nervous about?

Oh, I'm nervous about you. I mean, I can't tell you now.

I mean, I'm not sure, but I think I'm sure.

Oh, you're not sure but you think you're sure.

You're not sure but you think you're sure?

Lester, Lester, please believe me

and for your own sake do what I tell you, will you?

- You're ashamed of me. - Oh...

Now, do you still think I'm ashamed of you?

Oh! Get under the bed.

- Yeah, but... - Get under the bed! Be quiet!

- This bed? - Yes...

What about the lip? Can I take the lip with me?

- Stay quiet. - One kiss...

I'd just like another kiss. Could you help me get this?

Oh, what a glorious day.

Why did it have to end?

Hello Wanda. Did you have a nice day.

Oh, yes. I just stayed in the house and read.

Good!

Shh... Shh, sh.

Shh. Shh. Sh.

- Wanda, wake up, wake up. - What is it, Miss Albright?

You were snoring. You sounded just like my brother, Charlie.

I, I was having a bad dream.

Oh, that's too bad.

I do think you should go back to bed now, Miss Albright.

- It must be late. - Mm-hm.

I think I should too.

- Beddy-bye. - Goodnight.

- Pleasant dreams. - Goodnight.

Well, it's about time. It all over with?

The jackass never came back to the shop.

I couldn't sit in that window any longer.

Where the devil could he be?

Maybe he's still out with Wanda.

No, she's here. She says she's been here all day.

Well, we can take care of her anytime.

Where the devil's that kid?

He can't just disappear into thin air.

There's no doubt about it, Wanda's got him hidden some place.

Why would she want to hide him?

Well, maybe she's found out who he is?

Wants to get her hands on that money for herself.

How would she find out.

Well, you can't keep her eyes off her.

Maybe you opened your big mouth.

There's somebody out there!

Quick! Electrify the gates!

Oh, you look beautiful, Miss Albright.

- Oh, do I really? - Yes.

Oh, I feel so excited.

Hmm.

Well, what are you gonna do?

You're the nicest woman I've ever known.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Why don't you come and stay with Gregory and me?

After he marries me, he may need a nurse.

That's very sweet of you,

but no, thank you. You've inspired me to become a bride, too.

Really? Got a fella?

Wonderful! Oh, you must invite him to the wedding.

We're going to have such dreamy music,

and the champagne will bubble,

and the caviar will swim.

Ooh, it'll be such a mess! Ooh.

- What is it, Miss Albright? - You better loosen up those hooks.

Miss Albright.

Those hooks may pop so loud we won't be able to hear the preacher.

Wanda, darling,

I think you'd better run along.

Looks like this is a big overhauling job.

All right, I have some shopping to do. See you later.

- Good. Bye. - Bye.

Come on, doll. Let's go.

Eh...

Hey, can't you see a truck is coming and blowing its horn?!

Shut up!

Shh! I had to tell them about the truck.

Do you know which boat is the Lulubell, ma'am?

Quiet, you'll scare the fish.

I'm looking for the Lulubell.

I got a very important job before 12:30,

I've got to fix a TV set on the Lulubell.

Do you know where it's parked, the Lulubell?

You don't park boats, you moor them.

Oh, well, do you know which parking space the Lulubell is moored in?

- No! - Thanks anyhow.

- Oh, boy, I got a big one! - See, I didn't scare of fish.

Here, let me give you a hand. Let me give you a hand...

Sorry...

I want to give the lady...

I want to give the lady...

Faster, faster, faster!

Good boy, just one minute to go.

It's a noisy tick tock.

Forgot my tools.

Wow! I got another beauty!

Oh, come on!

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

That's him. He looks better wet.

What do you know about the explosion?

It was very loud.

She said you were asking about the Lulubell.

Yeah, I'm Lester of Lester's TV Repair.

I got a call to come down here to the pier.

To fix a TV set on a Lulubell,

and I had to do it before 12:30 sharp,

it was very urgently important.

So, I came down here to the pier,

and I asked this nice lady where the Lulubell was parked, moored.

And this... this lady!

This lady saved...!

- I love you, you pudgy lady. - Who?

I love you. You're a precious pussy cat, lady.

- What's the matter with him? - You saved my life.

If you didn't throw your hook into my pants,

and reeled me in like a barracuda fish,

I'd have still been on the Lulubell when it exploded.

You made my living life no death.

- Oh, no. He's flipped! - I'm very grateful.

I want to kiss your precious size 15, dainty feet.

I love you, you're so sweet.

I'm going to fix your TV sets forever and ever, and even after that.

- Help me. - I'm going to wash your antennae.

- Take it easy. - I'm going to clean your tube.

Watch it, buddy.

Let me be grateful. This lady saved my life.

Let me let her know I love her!

Why can't I show appreciation?

- Easy, young man! - I love this lady!

- Whoa boy! - This fat, pudgy lady made me a fish!

I love that lady!

Will you let me...

I was... Lady, you lost your...

Oh, that burns in there.

That wasn't wise.

There is an eye burn.

Oh, burn.

Well, we have another one.

That face.

Where'd I see that face?

Nah, it's my imagi...

Could it be that I'm the...

I'm the missing money.

I'm Charles P. Albright, Jr.?

Could I... Could I be that...

Could I be that lost, rich?

The wealthy...

That face!

Could I be that man?

Oh! I'm a rich lost!

I found him...

I got... could I... Nah. Yeah!

I am. If I make a...

What's... I'm that kid!

I'm him! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Where is he? I lost him again.

Kid?

Darling?

Oh, Wanda! Hey, Wanda, you know what I just

found out while I was shaving inside, what I found...

Oh, hello, dear. You know what I just found out, Wanda?

Do you know that Charles P. Albright, Jr. kid who's missing? I'm him.

Missed. I'm the missing. I'm right under my own nose.

I'm Charles P. Albright, Jr., I found out.

- I know. - No, no. You don't understand.

I'm looking around all over, and I'm... I'm, I'm.

I'm him, him! And I...

You knew?

You mean, you knew who I really was all the time?

I mean, when I say who I was, the millionaire kid, money, me?

I wasn't sure, at first.

Was it that you weren't sure at first or was it that you

wanted to tell me after we were married.

That's not true! I didn't tell you

you were the missing heir, because I didn't want you

to run up to that house and get yourself killed.

- Who would want to kill me? - DeWitt.

The attorney, Gregory DeWitt?

Yes. He'd like to see you dead.

That's why he sent the butler out, to try to kill you.

Don't you see, that's why the boat blew up

and the car running over you, it was the butler!

I think you see too many mystery movies.

Why don't you just get yourself another millionaire?

Oh, please believe me. I just wanted you to get out of town

so you'd be safe.

I wasn't going to marry you until I told you who you really were.

I only wanted to protect you.

Yeah, protect me. I can get a big picture of that.

All right, then don't believe me.

But will you please call the police before it's too late.

The only one I'm going to call is Pete Flint

and tell him he's going to get the reward for discovering me.

All right, if you won't go to the police then I will.

Oh no, you don't.

I need you to stay here and tell Pete who I really am.

- You let me go! - You stay right here!

I'm going to save you in spite of yourself.

Yeah, you're going to stay right here!

Let me go!

Oh! Let me out!

Lester! Let me out!

Oh! Please believe me. I'm telling the truth!

- Lester! - Hello, Pete?

This is Lester, don't hang up.

I found the Albright missing heir.

Oh, I was only trying to save your life because I love you.

Please, Lester, open it up!

Lester? OK, where is he?

Pete, I solved the caper all by myself.

And you can get the reward, the $100,000.

So you can pay me the $25.25 you owe me.

Come on, cut it out. If you got the Albright kid,

- let's see him. - You're looking at him.

- Where? - I am Charles P. Albright, Jr.

And you can call me Charlie.

You brought me all the way out here to play a lousy gag on me?

I could kick your brains in.

No gag! It's no gag, Pete!

I'm telling you, I'm Charles P. Albright, Jr.

You can prove it with the nurse.

- She's back there, she'll tell you. - What nurse?

The same one who was at the house?

Yes. She'll tell you.

She'll tell you. Oh...

- She'll tell you. - OK, where is she?

Right here, Pete. Here, I got her locked up.

Right in here. Here, she's right in here. She'll prove what I'm...

She escaped through the window!

Very funny, I ought to shove you right down the drain.

Let me explain, I was shaving and the lather.

That's when she wanted to marry me.

I'm telling you, she can prove I'm the missing heir.

Boy, you really snapped your twig, didn't you?

- No, Pete, please. - Let go of me!

Let me show you! Pete!

Here look! Here. Pete, here's what happened.

Here, Pete, I put it here. Pete! Will you listen?

I just put... Pete! I'm gonna put, Pete!

I looked like that... Pete! Pete!

Pete! Pete! Wait a minute!

Pete, who do I look like?

Pete! Pete, look!

Pete!

I'm the heir. I'm the image of Charles Albright!

Pete, take a look. I'm the image of Charles Albright...

- Get down! - Take a look!

Drunk driving, eh? And the hard way, too.

- Piggy back. - What do you mean, drunk?

I am not! That nut jumped on my windshield. Arrest him!

- Come on down out of there. - I'm a millionaire,

I'll buy all of the policeman ball tickets you got.

- You want a check? - Come on!

- Get your hands off... - Get out! You freak.

- Good evening, Mr. March. - Oh, hello. I'd like to see Mr. DeWitt.

Well, Mr. March, this is a coincidence.

Leo and I were just looking for you.

Oh, really? Is that a fact.

Well, wait until you see the surprise I got for you two fellas.

What kind of a surprise, Mr. March?

Oh, Pete, he thought I was...

He thought I wasn't going to make a very good private eye shamus,

but meanwhile, I found out something that he couldn't find out.

Don't tell me you came up here to shave, Mr. March?

Oh, no. No, I shaved already and I put on my best suit.

It was while I was shaving that I found out what I found out about.

Would you plug this in, please?

Mr. March? I enjoy a joke as much as the next man,

but this is neither the time nor the place.

Oh, this is no joke, it might be a joke on Pete.

You know, 'cause he always thought I was some kind of a nut,

but he'll be sorry that he threw me out

and broke my name on the door. You just watch.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

You wait and see, it's a surprise!

This is... this is how I found what it is.

By the way, did you know that your nurse,

that Wanda, she's a gold digger?

You know, she told me if I came up here

and told you about my surprise, you'd kill me.

You'd kill... Who would want to kill me?

I'm a precious pussy cat, who would I hurt?

I wouldn't hurt a...

See this?

I found this out while I was shaving, I didn't realize it.

You see, you just shave the whole thing,

and then you have to get the... wait, that's just the beginning.

You've got to see the best part of what this is

when you see the best part.

This is very good.

You'll notice there's... My daddy had a bigger head.

See? But I can put a little head, well...

He might've been a square head

but if you look I'm the same kind of head.

He looks like me, I look like him,

and we look like the same together, both, see?

Leopold, do you realize what this means?

We've found Charles Jr.

Yeah.

See, I told you you'd be surprised.

I bet you're happy now, you don't have to run around

looking all over for me.

I couldn't be happier.

This is a great day for all of us, Charles.

Try Junior.

Junior.

Yeah, Junior. J-U-N-E-Y-O-U-R.

Junior. I like that. Junior.

Well, nothing's going to be changed around here.

Auntie's going to stay here and help me protect my money,

and of course, you're going to stay as my attorney, Mr. Dimwit.

DeWitt. I always mix up that name.

You might even get a raise.

That's very considerate of you, Junior.

Think nothing of it.

And, of course, you'll stay here too, Leopold.

And do whatever you've been doing around here.

One big happy family, right?

Huh? Get me?

Can't you go any faster?

Well, use your siren.

Calm down, miss. Calm down.

Calm down?

We may be too late to stop a murder!

And all because you wouldn't believe my story

when I first came in this afternoon.

And we still don't buy it.

Mr. DeWitt's a distinguished lawyer.

You're going to get yourself in trouble

accusing him of attempted murder.

But it's the truth.

- You wait and see. - I hope for your sake

someone's being murdered up at the Albright house.

Hurry!

What've you done with Lester?

Lester? There's no Lester here.

You see, I told you we'd be too late.

No, not at all. The party's just started.

The welcoming home party for Charles P. Albright, Jr.

Whoa!

We've just discovered that Lester March is

Mr. Albright's long lost son.

Well, Miss? Does that look like a murder to you?

Murder?

Well, she came in with some wild story about you

- planning to kill that kid. - We have to check out all crank complaints.

Poor Wanda. Having another one of your spells again, eh?

A spell?

I never had a spell in my life!

She needs treatment.

Why don't you go upstairs and have a nice, long rest,

and tomorrow I'll take you to an analyst.

Don't you touch me! You stay away from me!

Sorry you gentlemen had to come on a wild goose chase.

It's OK, I hope we didn't spoil your party.

Goodnight.

Now we're really in trouble.

The cops saw him, they know he's the missing kid.

I'm surprised at you, Leopold.

You don't recognize a blessing in disguise when you see one.

Both officers saw our young heir drinking champagne.

That will be in our favor, when I call them back

with the tragic news that he drank a little too much,

got a little drunk, and fell to his death

from the cliff.

Oh, I'm so glad you believe me, Mr. Flint.

Listen, Lester's my buddy.

I don't want him killed till I claim the reward.

♪ It's easy to remember ♪

♪ But so hard to forget ♪

♪ So hard to forget ♪

Lovely, lovely.

That was your daddy's favorite song.

Oh, Daddy. Dear old Dad.

Oh, don't cry now, Junior.

Think how happy he must be since we found you.

And he's probably smiling down at you from heaven.

And tomorrow, you're going to make my life a heaven on earth.

Oh, darling...

And now, you must get your beauty sleep.

Tomorrow you must be ravishing.

So, come along, beddy-bye.

Oh...

- Goodnight, Auntie. - Oh, goodnight, Junior.

Goodnight, darling.

Goodnight, everybody.

♪ Easy to remember ♪

♪ And so hard to forget... ♪

Say, where am I going to sleep?

I hope I get a room with a view of my money.

I have a place all picked out for you. Come along.

That's wonderful.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep, because I'm so excited.

Whenever I'm excited, I can't sleep.

You will sleep better than you ever imagined, I assure you.

- Oh... - Leopold?

Young Mr. Albright is ready to turn in.

Come along, Mr. Albright.

- I'll drop you off. - Oh, thank you. Goodnight.

Where we going? Can I get a room with a roof?

We have a special place reserved for Mr. Albright's son.

- In case he ever showed up. - Oh? I room in the guest house?

They have a wonderful view here, too.

Hey, this estate of mine is really high.

Hey, I wonder how far down is mine?

You know a fella could fall off here and break his neck?

Watch out, Leopold! Are you crazy?

You should've died in that manhole!

Manhole? Were you in that car?

And the Lulubell!

Lulubell? Leopold, how could you?

You ruined my reputation.

Me, the president of the Peter Lorre fan club!

Whoa, help! Help! Help! He's pushing!

Help!

- Help! - What is it?

- I thought I heard Lester. - Oh, help!

Yeah, that's Lester, all right.

- Where you going? - I'm going to help him, come on.

Wait for me!

Help!

- Mr. Flint! Oh! - Help!

Oh, wake up! Wake up!

That man is going to break my...

- You idiot, what happened? - He got away!

He can't get away. Come with me.

Scared of that...

He's in the west corner of the garden.

The west corner. Which automatic lawn mower handles that?

- Number six. - Number six, turn it on.

Ah...

What's that?

Get away!

What is that thing?

- Turn them all loose. - Here we go.

Oh!

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh!

It won't be long now.

Oh! That thing is going to bite and murder!

Get away, you lousy...

That thing is going to break

and get... I got to get out before it bites...

That thing is going to break! That thing is going to be the worst thing

to bite my life.

That thing is here to bite my...

No, no! No.

We've got him!

Direct him to the cliff.

Be careful!

Watch out!

Are you all right, Mr. Flint?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Shut off the controls, turn it off!

How can I, chief?

Come on, chief, come on!