Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Downloaded from YTS.MX

and adult humour that some viewers may find offensive

Please welcome to the stage Greg Davies!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: Boom Shack-A-Lak by Apache Indian

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello, hello!

I set myself a little challenge at the beginning of the tour

to see what was the most ludicrous piece of music

I could come on to. I think I nailed it!

Hello.

AUDIENCE: Hello!

Let me tell you before I start the show a few things about what it's like

being a comedian when you look like me.

And what I mean by that is, clearly,

a middle-aged man who's never done a day's exercise in his life.

The trouble with comedy is, it attracts a young, trendy crowd.

It tends to attract all the kids with their trendy haircuts

and their nice clothes and things.

And then you come out looking like this and you feel like a bit of a fraud,

ladies and gentlemen, coming out to all the kids... which is why

I was delighted to come out in Salford this evening...

LAUGHTER

...and see such an amazing sea of middle-aged losers in front of me.

You are so welcome at my gig.

Who is over 40 here? Give me a cheer.

CHEERING

Barely got the energy to lift their little arms. Look.

And who is under the age of 25?

CHEERING Yeah, well, shut the fuck up!

Don't ruin... This is my recording.

Don't ruin this for me, with your nice skin...

...and your hope.

This will all be you.

CHEERING

..in the blink of an eye, you little bastards!

And I wasn't going to tell you this, but I like you instinctively,

so I will tell you this.

If any of you are sitting there with body images

and you're worried about how you look,

this will make you feel better about yourself in a heartbeat,

cos this is true.

I was in my flat about three weeks ago, right?

I went to the toilet for a shit.

Sorry, but that's what was happening, right?

I went to the toilet and, if you're feeling bad,

prepare to feel better about the way you look,

cos this happened.

I pulled my trousers and pants down, and I started having a poo,

and the fucking toilet came off the wall.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was mid-shit!

I had my trou...

I had to do this walk of shame with my pants by my ankles and...

..find the guest toilet and finish off there.

Not even Elvis broke his toilet.

And he died on the toilet!

The show is called The Back Of My Mum's Head. "Why's that, Greg?"

AUDIENCE: Why's that, Greg? I'll tell you.

That, incidentally, is the actual back of my mum's head.

She's fucking furious, cos it's been on posters all over the country,

and it was literally the day before her hairdressing appointment.

So, she's furious.

Um, the show is based on a catchphrase, really.

It's based on a phrase that my mum said to me all the way through childhood

when I'd done something to piss her off

just before she left the room, and I saw the back of her head sailing away, right?

I'll show the phrase before I go any further.

I heard it for a good 20 years.

This is it.

"It's not normal love."

Now, an English teacher who was in the audience a few nights ago

did point out that, technically, that should have a comma in it,

so it doesn't sound like dirty sex. Um...

I never was a good teacher.

"It's not normal, love!" she would say,

when I did something that made her question the way she'd brought me up.

I'll give you an example.

I once drew a cock and balls on the roof of my mum's car.

Fair enough, man, right?

Now, I would have got away with it

if I hadn't overheard my mum say something

and I had to intervene.

And this gives you an early indication of what my mum's like.

I overheard her go, "Bob," to my dad.

"Bob...

"I think someone's got a vendetta against the family."

And he went, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, someone appears to have drawn

"a weird gang symbol on the roof of my car."

I went, "I'm sorry, it's not a gang symbol, it's a cock and balls. I drew it."

And she looked from a different angle and she went, "It is a cock and balls.

"Why do you do these things?!

"It's not normal, love!"

I once dressed our family dog Rex up

in a pair of my dad's massive white underpants.

Rex reacted in the only way that a dog can react to that situation,

which led to the greatest sentence I've ever heard,

particularly from my mother. It's awesome. Here it is in full.

"Oh, my God!

"Why am I cleaning dog shit out of your dad's pants?

"It's not normal, love!"

I haven't heard, "It's not normal, love!" for years.

This year, and this is the reason for this whole show, I've heard it twice.

The first time, it didn't really register.

Um, it...

it was earlier this year, my mum decided she would address my weight.

She addressed my weight as only a mother would dare address a child's weight.

This was her opening sentence. Ready?

"Oh, Greg, you are disgustingly fat."

I said, "I've got a bit of a belly."

She goes, "You haven't got a bit of a belly.

"You look seven and a half months pregnant. It's not normal, love."

Now...

I decided I would go to Argos and I would buy some weights.

So I did. They were £29.99.

They were in a little black case.

And I lifted them in their little black case, the barbells, from Argos counter,

and I took them the two-minute walk to the boot of my car.

This was in January of this year.

Guess where they are now?

Fuck that! They hurt!

They hurt me!

But two great things came out of that two-minute journey.

My body...

and my mouth,

at a point during the journey,

both made noises that I hadn't planned for them to make.

So I lifted up the weights from the counter,

and my knees sounded like a bowl of Rice Krispies, right?

It was, "Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!"

So I was already giggling halfway across the journey.

Then, in the second minute of the journey,

my mouth started making a noise I've never heard before or since.

But I can show you what it was. This was it.

CACKLES

What is that?

And it got worse as I walked.

Pop, pop, pop! CACKLES

CACKLES

I was pissing myself laughing by the time...

I laughed for about half an hour.

Then I realised that that was my fifth favourite involuntary noise of all time.

Obviously, I've compiled all five of them for your entertainment tonight.

This is your first bit of interaction.

I want you to sing the old-fashioned chart music

in-between my favourite involuntary noises.

And I warn you now, if you don't join in... I've locked the doors. ...you're here all night.

So just come in hard.

HUMS THEME TO Pick Of The Pops

Right? We'll start with my fifth favourite involuntary noise,

which you've heard, as a test.

And then I'll move through the others. Are you ready?

Coming in at number five!

MUTED HUMMING No. I'm fucking serious.

I will keep you prisoner.

Five times louder.

This is an important chart.

My five favourite involuntary noises of all time.

Coming in at number five!

AUDIENCE SINGS LOUDLY

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coming in at number four!

AUDIENCE SINGS LOUDLY

I once slapped my friend Matthew Delaney across the face

with a family pack of pitta breads.

If you've never done it, I can't recommend it highly enough.

It makes an incredibly satisfying thud.

He was furious.

He would have been. He was driving at the time.

What I like about the involuntary noise

is you'd expect him to be really angry with me,

but what came out of his mouth was surprisingly camp.

I'll try and do it justice for you tonight. CLEARS THROAT

THUD "Ooh!

Lovely, lovely.

Simple.

So simple.

Coming in at number three!

AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

I go to a little village in Spain quite a lot.

It's in Andalusia. It's beautiful.

I go there cos it's quiet and a simple life and...

I went there last summer,

and the locals, ladies and gentlemen, they eat a very simple diet.

They largely eat just meat and cheese.

That's about it, really, as far as I can work out.

So last summer, I decided that I would join the locals

and for the first two days of my holiday, I ate only meat and cheese.

Well...

Let me tell you, the effect was fucking awesome.

I don't want to overstate this,

but it's important you know how serious the situation was.

So try and get your heads round the sentence.

On that particular day, on day three of my holiday, ladies and gentlemen,

on that particular day,

I was farting more often

than I had not been farting.

Do you understand how serious that is?

The fart-to-silence ratio had been completely reversed.

It was... I was guffing...

A continual stream of hot guff coming out of my...

Pfff!

Pfff! Pff!

It was fucking aw... Pff!

Well, I don't mind telling you, I can't remember being happier.

Pfffff!

Then my friends told me

that we were going down to the village to a Catholic religious festival that night,

so I thought, "Shit, I'm going to have to cork this bad boy."

It's a pretty full-on festival.

They have, like, a 25-foot papier-mache Jesus...gets led through the town,

and I thought, "I can't be guffing in front of massive Jesus.

"Of course I can't."

So I'm going to have to hold it in.

So we walked into town, and I held it in.

I knew within a minute I was in serious trouble.

I knew that I was brewing a legendary fart.

The fartologists in the audience, you'll have heard of this,

it's often spoken about.

People think it's a myth, but it is true.

It's the legendary single-puff, single-clap fart.

LAUGHTER

Some of you have heard of it, clearly. It's...

it's so-called, of course... Those of you who are experts will know.

...so-called because there's such an amazing build-up of gas that when you release it,

the buttocks don't have chance to react in the traditional way.

There's no...pfff... when it comes out.

Just one puff of gas followed by one clap of the buttocks, and we're out.

so...

Obviously, I was very excited.

How many single puffs, single claps do you see in a lifetime?

One, possibly two, maximum.

So I was excited, but I knew I couldn't just let it go.

I had to wait for massive Jesus to come past.

Fuck me! He took his time!

Trundling by on his little cross.

I was going, "Come on, Jesus, I'm going to puff here, mate!"

And, of course, I had to wait for a clearing in the crowd.

You can't just let a single puff, single clap out.

You could break an arm with one of these.

Then I saw a gap and I thought, "Great, I'm going to let this bad boy go now."

I started to release the gate, right?

I was excited.

Something incredible happened.

And might I just tell you, this is absolutely true,

the second I released the single-puff, single-clap fart,

the biggest fart I've ever done in my entire life,

the legend that is the single puff, single clap,

a Spanish man who I hadn't seen...

..made his way behind me and just for a split second,

he placed his hand against my ass.

The resulting soundscape and involuntary noise was...remarkable.

I'll try...

I'll try and do it justice for you. It's very difficult.

BREATHES OUT

Pfffff!

SPANISH ACCENT: Hey!

Floored. He was floored.

APPLAUSE

Coming in at number two!

AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

My friend Darren is the biggest loser I've ever met in my life.

He's a lovely man, and I love him dearly, but...

He lives in Singapore, he has an awful job, which he hates,

so his life is miserable there.

But the main reason he's so miserable and his life is so awful

is because he married the most horrible human being

I've ever met in my life.

Awful, awful woman.

Um, a lot of people won't say this. I will.

I hope she dies.

I don't. I don't wish death upon anyone. Of course I don't.

But if she does die, fine.

So I went to see him on my way to Australia last year,

and he told me the saddest story you'll ever hear.

He told they that he didn't get many kicks these days,

so he was up in his bedroom one day and he spied that his neighbour,

a relatively attractive middle-aged lady, was sunbathing topless in the garden.

So he thought, "I will watch her from my bedroom window

"and I will 'enjoy myself'

"in a special boy's way."

Then he realised she might be able to see him "enjoying himself",

so he pulled down the roller blind on his bedroom window

and then he realised he couldn't get to himself to have a nice time.

So he did one of the most heartbreaking things you'll ever hear.

He went down into his own kitchen...

he got a sharp knife...

while his wife was in the front room,

and he chopped a hole

in his own fucking roller blind...

and he opened up a wank hole, right?

Have you heard anything sadder in your life?

I said to him, "Dave, for..."

Oh, not Dave. That's his real name.

LAUGHTER

LOUDLY: You will not remember Dave.

You will only remember Darren.

You will...

you will not use Twitter.

LAUGHTER

So, Darren...

..he pulled his trousers and his pants down, and he got ready to enjoy himself.

You can guess the rest of the story.

She came up, went, "Oh, Darren!" caught him.

Now, what I love about the noise he made...

And, obviously, I wasn't there, he told me about this.

What I love about the noise that came out of his mouth...

You would think he would scream the neighbourhood down.

What came out of his mouth was the noise of a small animal.

Here it comes.

"Oh! Darren!"

HE HOOTS

Coming in at number one!

AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

My mother came to stay with me a few years ago when...

when...I lived with

a big Geordie lad called Chris. I shared a flat with him.

And my mum decided that in the middle of the night,

she would go for an old-lady wee.

Um...

and then she went back to what she perceived was her bedroom.

It wasn't her bedroom. It was Chris's bedroom.

He didn't even know she was staying.

So, he woke up with an old lady in her nightie at the bottom of the bed.

He went, "Oh!"

She went, "Oh-oh-oh!"

and ran back to her room, right?

Chris told me about this over breakfast.

You have to know my mum is wonderful, incidentally,

but is the most easily embarrassed human being I've ever met.

So when Chris told me about this, I knew she would be horrified.

And I was laughing my head off before she even got downstairs.

Then she came into the kitchen and she was beetroot red.

She went, "Oh, Chris." Straight in.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed about last night.

"I'm so embarrassed about last night."

He went, "Mrs Davies, it's fine. Anyone could have made that mistake.

"Don't be so silly. I went straight back to sleep. It's fine."

She went, "Oh, God, thank you.

"I haven't slept a wink worrying about it.

"Thank you so much."

He went, "It's fine."

Then she said this...

"Oh, dear.

"I bet you thought I was going to sit on your face, didn't you?"

20 minutes later, I explained the modern-day meaning of the expression

"to sit on someone's face" to my mother,

and she made this noise.

HE YELPS

A lot of people would leave those involuntary noises where they are.

That's a little section finished.

I'm not a lot of people.

I've created the beautiful soundscape.

This took me two days...

of my life...to prepare it.

Honestly, the audiences so far on my tour

have not been as grateful as I would like them to be.

But I'm in Salford now, a place of culture,

and I'm sure I...

I'm sure I'll get a better response for the hard work that I put into it.

Thank you so much.

HOOTS ON SOUNDSCAPE

THUD 'Ooh!'

'Pffff!' SPANISH ACCENT: 'Hey!'

That was the fart.

'Oh-oh-oh!' This is Mum. I've looped her.

I've looped Mum.

'Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh!'

BEATBOX STARTS

ALL SOUNDS PLAY TOGETHER

LOW-PITCHED: 'Oh-oh-oh!'

SPANISH ACCENT: 'Hey!'

Thank you.

That's yours.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I had a review of this section of my show from a reviewer I really admire

and, you know, he was nice about the whole show,

but here, this is what he said.

"At this point in his show,

"Davies plays out a series of soundscapes he created at home.

"Largely for his own amusement."

Prick.

And I...

I'd love to tell you that was the first review I've had for those soundscapes.

It isn't. It's the second review I've had.

I've written down the first one because it was from my mum,

and I wanted to get it right, so I've written it down.

I played her those sounds after two days of work, saying,

"This is one of the things I'm going to do in my show."

And this is what she said...

"What's wrong with you, Greg?

"You're a grown man.

"You've always wasted your time on rubbish like this.

"Why not buy a house,

"or try and get a girl pregnant?

"It's not normal, love."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And it really landed, that "it's not normal".

I thought, "Oh, my God, am I not normal?"

So I started to obsess about what is normal. Are you normal?

Are these people normal?

I was walking past people in the street, going, "Are they normal?"

So I thought, "Hang on, let's get scientific."

So I started watching behaviour of people.

I started with my niece, right? My niece is...

I went on holiday with my niece.

Not just her, by the way.

She's only two, little Daisy.

And my sister was there and the family.

And I thought, "I'm going to start watching her to see how normal she is."

Who's got kids here? Give me a cheer.

CHEERING Are they normal?

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No. No. They're fucking mental!

They're all mental! And they're getting away with it!

I watched that girl for two weeks, and I love Daisy, she's awesome,

but she talks when she wants. That's not normal.

And she talks about what she wants

and she only wants to talk about one thing.

And that is what she's wearing on her feet.

For two weeks, every day, this was it.

HIGH-PITCHED: "I've got my flip-flops on."

OK.

"I haven't got my flip-flops on."

Right.

"I've lost my flip-flops.

"Uncle Greg, I think my flip-flop's in the pool."

OK, well, we'll get it out.

"I'm going to wear my pretty princess shoes tonight.

"I'm going to wear... I haven't got my flip-flops any more.

"Uncle Greg, do you think I'll be able to get some new flip-flops?"

How about you shut the fuck up?!

I love you, but enough with your fucking feet!

And it made me think about my own childhood.

I remember being in a science lesson with a lad called David Hughes.

I was doing my work. Hughes nudged me and he went,

"Oi, Davies, give me a number between 1 and 20."

And I went, "Um, 13."

And he went, "Yeah, yeah, cheers."

I carried on working. I turned back five minutes later. Hughes was doing this...

HE YELPS

I went, "What the fuck's wrong with you, Hughes?"

He'd found a jar of yeast tablets in a drawer

and he'd eaten 13.

LAUGHTER

Who does that?! He had to go to hospital.

And not an adult blinked an eye.

"Oh, he's a child. He's eaten 13 yeast tablets.

"Of course he fucking has!"

It's insane!

And let me ask you this. Who's got a younger brother or sister here?

Give me a cheer. CHEERING

Right. And of those people who cheered,

give me another cheer if, when you were kids,

you made that person's life a misery.

CHEERING

All of us! It's not normal.

My sister's four years younger than me.

The things I did to that girl would sit perfectly comfortably in Guantanamo Bay.

They're awful. I invented ga... I invented a game

when she was six years of age called Swingball sting-ball, right?

I...

I would stand her on an X in the garden and I'd get a Swingball

and I'd just smash it into her face.

Those were the rules.

And after being hit six times, she'd go, "Can I have a go now?"

And I'd go, "No, I don't want to play any more.

"See you later."

Only people, in my opinion, under the age of 16

say what the fuck they want.

We stop saying the first thing that comes into our heads.

And I think we stop at about 17.

And I've got a theory as to why.

I think, when you hit 17,

you either make a tit of yourself

or you see someone else make a tit of themselves.

For me, it was the latter.

I was at university with a lad called Nick,

who I'd only met for the first week of university.

We were all excited to be there,

getting to know each other, testing the water.

We had a game of truth or dare in the college bar.

And Nick got a bit overexcited, right?

And he went...

GIGGLING: "I've got a truth. I've got a truth."

We went, "OK, Nick, what's your truth?"

And he went, "Um, you know...

"You know when you're about 12

"and you've never felt a girl's tits before,

"and you really want to know what a girl's tits feel like?

"Well, I went into our front room at home,

"and my nan was asleep..."

We all went, "Ugh, NO!"

And he went, "I didn't do it, I didn't do it."

We went, "You fucking did!"

It ruined his life.

Nicky Nan's Tits, he was called.

Three years.

Every time he came into a room - "What are we doing tonight, lads?"

"We're going round to your nan's house, you fucking pervert."

And every person in that room went, "Oh, my God.

"You can't say what you want any more.

"You've got to think before you speak now."

And I think what happens is everybody who sees something like that

puts a filter in, between brain and mouth -

the adult filter, I call it.

We go, "Christ, I'm not going to just say anything.

"I'm going to think before I speak." Boff!

Does that mean we become normal?

No.

I put it to you there is not one normal human being in this room.

And I mean it. And I'm going to prove something to you now.

Who's with your partner? Give me a little wave.

Right, I want you to look at your partner now

for the whole duration of this next sentence.

Look at them. In the face,

in the eyes.

Look at them.

And now listen to this.

While I say this, keep looking.

The person you are now looking at,

I promise you,

no matter how long you've been with them,

on a daily basis,

will think something that, if you heard it,

you would fucking leave them.

They'll deny it. They'll go, "I don't know what he's talking about.

"I don't know what he's talking about."

It's absolutely true.

We are all absolutely fucking insane

and we're clinging onto sanity by our fingertips, right?

And I think it a shame, because a lot of fun goes with that.

So I want to stop it. I want to free everyone up.

And I'll start the ball rolling tonight, right? I'll tell you this.

I went to my friend's wedding recently.

I love my friend. He's a dear friend of mine.

But I spent the whole ceremony

fantasising about head-butting his wedding cake.

I don't know why, but I swear to God,

I almost did it. I was this close to going,

"Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention?

"I know it's a lovely wedding, but..."

HE YELLS

You'll all be sitting there now going, "That's just you.

"You're just abnormal, you're just a weirdo."

All right, let me ask you this.

And I want you to answer by way of a cheer.

How many of you have ever been in charge of a car, driving,

with people you love in that car,

at some point in your life,

and have thought to yourself,

"All it takes is this...

"..and we're all dead"?

That's not normal, folks.

And I think it's a shame that we don't just free up a bit.

So I'm trying to start a movement where we all start speaking our minds a bit more.

And I'm going to help you.

I've written some things down on these boards here

that have been said to me by people I know over the years

and I want you to feel free about yourselves once you've heard these.

My friend Peter is a banker.

He invited me round to his house

to see his new espresso coffee machine.

I popped to the toilet while he fired the beast up for the first time.

From the toilet, I heard these noises.

HE CLICKS

HE BLOWS

"Argh! Argh!

"Oh, God! Oh, fuck, no!"

I ran out. The steam had come out of the machine

and it had taken all of the skin off Pete's arm.

It was red, it was bubbling flesh.

It was awful. I went, "Oh, my God."

He went, "Oh, oh, God!"

And I went, "Mate, put it under a cold tap,

"put it under a cold tap, for God's sake."

This is what he replied.

Get ready.

Who punishes individual body parts?

"Oh, I'd love to have a shag tonight, love."

"I can't, I'm afraid. My dick's on the naughty step."

When my, um...

..when my first niece was born, Lucy,

my lovely brother-in-law, Keith,

rang me to tell me that, um, I had a new niece.

Ten minutes after the birth. He didn't need to do that.

It was really sweet of him.

I went, "How did it go?" He goes, "Oh, my God, your sister was amazing.

"You've got a beautiful, beautiful niece.

"You'd have been so proud of her."

I went, "Thanks, mate. Thanks so much for letting me know."

And then I said, "Um, how did the birth go, Keith?"

Now...

I know he was emotional,

because he'd just seen his child born -

I still think this is a little bit weird.

"Yeah, how was the birth itself, mate? How was the birth itself?"

"Well," he said, "Greg, people say that

"seeing your children born is incredibly beautiful

"but, to be honest with you, to me..."

"It!"

I said, "Presumably by 'it', mate, you mean my sister's vagina, do you?"

"Oh, you got a lovely niece.

"Yeah. Your sister's fanny looks like a mashed-up plum crumble."

When I was a teacher for real, I was a head of year for a bit.

So I was in charge of a whole year group.

It was Year 7. 11-year-old children.

If you're a parent, you'll know that. 11-year-olds.

I had a lovely tutor who looked after one group,

a Nigerian gentleman called Thabo.

Very gentle giant.

Um, one Christmas, I went to see Thabo

and I said, "Hey, Thabo, it's Christmas.

"Why not take your tutor group out of the lessons

"and do something fun with them?"

And before I go any further,

God forgive me for this Nigerian accent.

He said...

NIGERIAN ACCENT: "What should I do?"

I said, "Whatever you like, mate. Do something fun.

"Play some games, play some music, whatever you fancy." He goes...

NIGERIAN ACCENT: "OK, I will think about it."

So...

So...

I saw him later and I went,

"Hey, Thabo, how was it with the kids this morning?"

He goes, "Oh, yes, we had a lovely time."

I said, "What did you do?" He goes, "I showed them a DVD."

I said, "Oh, great.

"What DVD did you show

"your class of 11-year-old children?"

Everyone's bonkers. Everyone is.

The person I met in recent months

who's the most insane of all of them, though,

and he's holding down a job, was a taxi driver, right.

He was a cockney. I flagged him down.

He was a proper, "You love it, you fuckin' toilet", right?

He has a record for having said

the strangest thing I've ever heard a human being say,

and his second record is for making me angrier faster than anyone has.

Cos I was in a perfectly good mood when I flagged him down,

and he said one sentence that took me from 0 to 100 miles an hour.

You tell me if I was right to be angry.

I flagged him down. He wound his window down.

He went, "All right, Big Bird, where to?

"Sesame Street?"

So I was already furious.

Then he turned out to be the strangest human being I've ever met.

We were driving along

and he started listing the contents of the shops we went by.

"Oh, there's the old DIY shop over there, Greg.

"That's where you can get your hammers, your ladders,

"your wheelbarrows, your nuts, your bolts, your high-vis jackets.

"There's the old wine bar there. Your red, your white, your rose,

"your nibbles."

I thought, "My God, he's insane."

Then he went to the next level,

cos he said something racist about a black guy who went past, right?

I wasn't expecting it, and he said this thing

and he saw me in his rear-view mirror go...

HE GASPS ..like all of you would have been.

And I thought, "You racist, you bastard," right?

Then he justified his racism,

and I couldn't take him seriously as a racist any more.

It was amazing. He went, "Oh, I'm so sorry.

"I appear to have shocked you

"with my comment about that black fellow there.

"Please don't think I'm a racialist.

"No, no, no. I get on extremely well with my neighbour,

"and he is a Chink."

Incredible, right?

This probably reflects terribly on me

that I was more angry about the Big Bird thing, right?

I'm sitting there gnashing my teeth, thinking of how I'm going to get revenge.

I got it so awesomely ten minutes later.

We drove through the East End of London,

and we went past a pie and mash shop.

He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there."

And I went, "Oh, right, here we go." He goes, "No, no, no, no.

"Lovely pie and mash shop. It's the most delicious pie I've ever had in there."

And I went, "Oh, right." He goes, "Yeah, lovely.

"In fact, I went in there the other day and I asked them...

"I asked them if I could have the recipe,

"so I could make my family one of their delicious pies."

I went, "OK. What did they say?"

He says, "Oh, they wouldn't give it to me.

"They said it was a family secret.

"A family secret."

I said, "Oh, that's a shame."

And then he said it.

He said singly the strangest sentence I've ever heard in my life.

It will take you a while to get your heads round it.

Just don't worry. It took me ages.

Just enjoy it. Here it comes.

"Yeah, it is a shame. It is a shame, Greg, yeah, yeah, yeah, because...

"it's not just pie they put in those, you know."

LAUGHTER

"Sorry, mate, what was that?"

He says, "It's not just pie they put in those."

I went, "What? In pies?"

He goes, "Yeah."

I said, "Pie is not an ingredient, mate."

He went, "You what?" I said, "Pie, it's not an ingredient.

"It's constituent parts that have been brought together."

He goes, "What are you fucking on about? A pie's pie."

I said, "Is it?

"Cos Jamie Oliver's shows will be a bit shit from now on, won't they?"

He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you."

AS JAMIE: "Hello, I'm Jamie Oliver.

"Today, I'm making a lovely lasagne. I'll just get the ingredients.

"A fucking lasagne!"

He goes, "What are you on about? Lasagne's not a pie!"

I said, "It may as well be!

"So what are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"

He said, "I'll change the tyre."

I said, "I'm afraid you can't, because tyre is part of taxi,

"so you must throw taxi away!"

He goes, "What are you on about, son?"

I said, "Do you not understand?"

He goes, "I haven't got a fucking clue."

I went, "All right, I'm going to help you."

He goes, "That'll be nice, thank you."

I said, "Right, we'll do a role play."

He went, "All right, let's do a role play."

This happened in the back of a taxi in east London.

I went, "Right, I'm going to explain it to you.

"I'm a cake shop owner." He went, "I'll have a cake, please."

I went, "Hang on, there's more." He went, "All right."

I said, "You've got a serious nut allergy."

He went, "OK. I will factor that in."

So he's driving through London, and I went...

"Good morning." "Good morning."

I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "Yes, I'd like a cake, please."

I said, "Right, I have several cakes. Which cake would you like?"

This is when he went up in my estimation,

cos he genuinely did this.

He went, "I'll have that one there."

Awesome.

And this is when I dealt him my ace card.

I went, "Ah, that cake, the Nut Surprise?"

And he went, "Oh, hang on a minute. I can't have nuts."

And I said, "Oh, dear, have you got a nut allergy?

And he goes, "Yes, I have." And I said, "Oh, never mind,

"I'll check the cake for you.

"No. You're absolutely fine to eat this, sir,

"because the only ingredient in it is cake!"

He said, "I can see nuts on it there!"

I said, "You can't, because I baked this, and all I put in it was cake,

"so put it in your big, fat face and swell up like a balloon!"

He goes, "What are you on about? A cake's not a pie!

"A lasagne's not a pie!"

I said, "There's no such thing as pie!

"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry, and one other thing."

He said, "What's the other thing?"

I said, "I'm not telling you. It's a family secret!"

APPLAUSE

I had to go for some medical examinations last year,

some investigations in hospital,

because there was something wrong with my stomach...

..other than what is clearly already wrong with my stomach.

I had a pain in it that I couldn't shift, right?

And so I went through a period in my life that I now refer to

as my "lucky-dip three-camera nightmare".

They sent me for a thing called an endoscopy,

which is a camera that goes down your throat.

It makes you gag. It's absolutely revolting, awful.

They didn't find anything wrong with me there.

Then they sent me for a colonoscopy...

which some of you have obviously enjoyed.

Um...

They found nothing up my bum, nothing.

So then I had to go for my...third camera.

Um...

Can't actually look at you when I tell you about this, because...

I didn't know...

..I didn't know that you can put a camera in this place.

Because...a man...

a man pushed a camera...

into my penis.

Did you hear me?

It wasn't an SLR, it was a specialised camera.

Did you know you could have a camera in your dick?

He pushed it into the tip...

TAPPING RESONATES

He tapped it in.

I thought, "This is unbearable.

"This is a man tapping something into my knob.

"I'll never... I'll never, ever get over this."

And he obviously felt awkward too,

because he decided to make some small talk.

I think if you're a doctor, you should be better trained

in the art of fucking small talk than what is written on this.

Cos while a man pushed a camera into my knob,

he smiled and asked me this...

Everyone's insane.

There's only one person I haven't really properly dealt with yet,

er, and it's the person who started this whole show off - my mum. Um...

She...she's the person who called me abnormal in the first place.

So, now I need some volunteers to play my parents.

I instantly think you're my dad.

Congratulations. My dad, ladies and gentlemen!

Try and jump up for me there, mate.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jump up on there if you can.

Oh, that's it.

I need someone to play my mum.

Obviously, you're all fucking ridiculously young.

I'm thinking you might do it, madam, with the blue dress, would you?

Not that...not that you could possibly be my mother, of course.

My mum, ladies and gentlemen!

I'll have to lift you. I'll cover you. That's it.

Hoi!

So, last year...

no, it was the year before last, actually, I got to do this amazing thing.

I got to do this show called, um, World's Most Dangerous Roads.

Did anyone see that show? SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!

I went with the hugely overrated bell-end comedian, Rhod Gilbert.

Um...

Er, obviously, Rhod's a really good mate of mine,

and the thing about me and Rhod is, we both had proper jobs

before we did this bullshit,

so we know that we're lucky to do these things.

So we were proper excited about going to Nepal.

I think anyone would be.

And I think it's a beautiful place, and I think anyone,

in their right mind, a normal person,

would ring their mum up and tell them how excited they were, right?

Here's the phone call I had with her.

You tell me who's normal.

Are you ready? Yes.

"Hello, Mum." "Hello, love."

"Amazing news. Rhod and I...

"Rhod and I are going to Nepal to do some filming."

"Oh, God! Well, don't go to the toilet outside."

Already weird.

"Don't go to the toilet outside," is the first thing she said to me.

"What? Why?"

"There might be one of those fish."

"I'm sorry. What fish?"

"One of those fish that swims up your winky."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Go on, laugh at me, but they exist. I read about them on the internet."

"Yes, you'll forgive me if I don't take your internet research seriously, Mum.

"Last week, you told me that Diet Coke contains monkey stem cells.

"And now I have to worry about a fish that doesn't even live in Nepal, do I?"

"How do you know they don't live in Nepal?"

"Well, I'm guessing that perhaps the Himalayan mountain range

"puts fish off."

"They might have got there."

"You think there might be a fish living up a mountain

"that wants to swim up my penis?"

"Yes, I do."

"How? How has it got there?

"Has it climbed using its little fins

"just in case it gets the chance to swim up my wang?"

"Oh, here we go."

"What do you mean, here we go?"

"I knew it wouldn't be long

"before we started taking the mickey out of the silly old woman.

"I suppose this is going to turn into a stand-up routine, is it?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"No."

"It is. I can hear it now.

"'You'll never guess what my stupid mum said this time.'"

"I wouldn't do that to you."

"You did last year on tour, on television. I was a laughing stock in this town."

"I wasn't rude about you on television."

"You told me to fuck off on Have I Got News For You."

"That was a terrible mistake. They told me they'd bleep it."

"My friends were horrified. Promise me this won't end up on stage."

"I promise."

"I mean it, Greg. Swear it."

"I swear it.

"On Darren's wife's life."

"This isn't funny. I mean it."

"I promise it won't turn into a routine."

"Thank you. I'll get your dad."

"I hear you've got fish stuck up your knob."

Lovely! Nailed it!

My parents, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you want some help?

Thank you.

I just want to end by saying...

it is my profound belief in life,

ladies and gentlemen, that every now and again, you should...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..every now and again, you should just head-butt the wedding cake.

Thank you, Salford. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: Boom Shack-A-Lak by Apache Indian