Original subtitles

Man, oh, man.

What a fiasco this little jaunt has turned out to be.

Just imagine, me,

Smiley,

the most experienced desert donkey alive...

and here I am teamed up with a jackass.

And in toreador pants, yet.

Did you get that bit with the binoculars?

You wanna know what he sees out there?

I'll tell you: nothin' but nothin'.

Just take a look.

Now, now ain't he a livin' doll?

I swear, I still don't know how I managed to come up with this character.

Several times

it got so bad I decided to cut out,

and a couple of times I even started.

I know every foot of this desert like I know the bottom of my hoof.

But each time I get all set to go,

then I'd remember the map.

'Course I knew that hunting buried treasure out here made about as much sense

as telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.

But still,

there was always

just a slim chance that map might be the real thing.

Here we are 2 days later

and still ain't another blastet thing within a hundred miles in any direction.

Just sand,

sand, and more sand.

That's all we've seen for days.

We have made so many circles in the past 2 days that I felt like astronaut.

Adam had slobbed up all the water, and on top of all...

my feet were killing me.

Oh, oh.

We've had it.

No more water.

No more food.

Just lots of sand.

Well, well.

Old hawk-eye has finally spooted that joshua tree and it's about time.

We've only passed that thing about 70 times in the past 48 hours.

So now we don't take a risk.

We'll aim for that.

I think his mind is beginning to wander,

and anything that weak should never be allowed out alone.

He's going to stretch out there in the shade while I stand out here in the sun wearing a full feed pack.

Well, what do you know, he finally remembered.

But I bet everything he has his own comfort in mind, not mine.

We should be out there lookin' for water, but he'd rather lay there in the shade hopin' for rain,

or perform an Indian rain dance...

layin' down, yet.

Now, what's he looking at?

I wonder if he thinks he sees something out there.

Well, I don't see anything.

Get a hold of that.

He looks like he's in a trance.

That sun must overcooked his pea brain.

Well, there he goes heading straight out into no man's land

Oh, oh,

I'm afraid this is gonna happen.

Now I'm comencing to see in here things, too.

I'd better get out of here fast before I crack up, too.

Still...

it seems so real.

Cut off my tail and call me stubbit.

I know I've tripped a gear, but this I gotta see.

Oh!

No, no, things like this just don't happen.

A young native in the middle of the desert.

Hey!

My god, he's gonna drain himself.

Nobody can drink that much water without poppin'.

Take it easy, Adam!

Now, what will Emily Pole say?

I'ts a toss-up as to how long old space brain would have laid there lappin' water

if the sweet young thing hadn't caught attention to herself.

But when he did look up, his eyeballs

popped like a couple of tied ballons.

From his reaction it was clear that Adam had never seen anything like this before.

In his hometown, the girls were so prim, they wore turtleneck bathing suits.

They weren't very good looking, neither.

In fact, the town held a beauty contest every year,

and nobody ever won it.

But this sure was a friendly native.

When she smiled, Adam's pea brain blew the lit like a pinball machine hit the jackpot.

Never saw so many sky rockets go off in one small space.

I don't know who designed her costume,

but whoever it was should've been placed in charge over government spending.

After a few moments she spoke to him in her native language

and she seemed surprised when Adam was unable to answer.

Verbally, that is.

Perhaps if he had concentrated on his sign language, he might've been able to get the message through to her.

But he tried to explain by usin' his head,

and the only thing that was good for was something to hang his face on.

A smile like that would give most men ideas,

but ol' Adam...

he was a rare type,

as they'd made him a jelly mule.

Adam went after the girls with radar control,

but I knew the natives would try to pull a skin game.

Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against

these beautiful natives,

but the trouble was Adam's fortune,

good or bad, was mine, too.

Some jackass is born lucky

no matter what happens, they come up smelling like a rose.

In this case he smell like a whole world gone.

A forest full of beautiful native girls and no competition.

Egad!

Now they got him playing ring around the roses.

What a way to go!

Good grieve.

Don't fall down,

'cause the Galverston flood would be nothing compared to what we'd have here if he'd burst the scene.

He had to be cautious 'cause of the many natives.

He's too fat to run and he didn't know how to fight.

He didn't gain all that weight from me.

He must've run into win with a phone in his mouth.

The girls put on a show for Adam, and so did he.

You see, Adam...

was the head ballet dance master for a herd of hippopotamuses

on tour through Cucamonga.

They say he was terrific until the hippos found out he wasn't one of them.

Yahoo!

Oh, well...

there's more than one way to take a bath.

He splashed around in the pool like an old ogre.

I guess that's natural for God's packing so much blubber.

As a walross he would doing all right.

He were trying to make an impression,

but with so many women, the only time he got to open his mouth where when he took a deep breath.

His acting was so funny that I began to laugh.

Oh, oh.

Looks like he's pretty mad.

I better get outta here.

When he took a swing at me, I could've bootet him into orbit.

Ah. Ah!

Another friendly native.

The natives threw a party for Adam.

They threw it here, there, and everywhere.

Adam caught everything they threw and seemd to settle down for a couple of month.

The natives were serious minded,

but Adam was living proof they could take a joke.

He was the only man on the oasis, but the natives had plenty of dates.

They tried to fill him with food and got the same results as a man's blown smoke rings into the wind.

He's a big man, but he ate like a bird...

a six-foot vulture.

One of the natives did a dance.

She put a crop of grass on the left hip

and a crop of grass on the right hip,

and then rotated the crops.

Did you know that a silo, 10 ft. in diameter and 20 ft. high,

holds 1270 bushes a comb.

Man, that's an awful lot of comb.

Say,

how did that 5th race at Bilmar Park come out today?

I had followed the competitions there.

Did you know I used to be a racing donkey?

Yep!

Fastest donkey in five counties.

Never been beaten in a fixed race, yet.

Say,

this reminds me of the girl days when I used to "dance with squares"...

"Dance home square"... no, no, I mean "square dance".

I used to kick up a mean storm.

They called me cyclone in old days.

The barn was always in chambles when I got through.

When she stepped on that dorn, she lost her balance and her dignity at the same time.

Adam thought it was funny. He had a real sense of humor.

When he wanted to have a good time, he went to a funeral.

The native girls thought he had a lot of crust, but why shouldn't he?

After all, he was a big loafer.

When the girl resumed her dance, she was as self-conscious as a prohibitionist with the hiccups.

And by the time she regained her confidence,

Adam lost his interest.

Gold.

The native bracelet and the gold dish convinced him

there was truth in the old saying

"All that glitters is gold."

[Not too much]

The discovery of gold had short-circuited his wiring system and caused a tilt sign to light up permant.

So, Adam hurried off to his pack and got the shovel.

After all, he'd never been near enough to hard work to build any fear of it.

It was 120 in the shade when Adam decided to dig for the treasure.

But he said he didn't mind since he'd yawned down bu the grace.

Beside, he thought hard work might help him build up his appetite.

What a laugh.

As it was, the only thing he didn't eat for breakfast was dinner and supper.

I will say one thing:

He was a good worker.

Every time he lost his job, his bosses were satisfied.

But I didn't envy him any.

It was so hot that the gophers were walking around with their coats unbuttoned.

The natives were more determined than ever to keep Adam from the treasure,

but they had little on Adam.

In fact, they had little on, period.

Adam decided it was better to watch in the shade

than it was to work in the sun.

The girls were bathing in a pool.

A lot of people would've envied the girls.

True, their pool

was only about six feet in diameter,

but don't forget,

they had over a thousand square miles of beach.

What got me mad was the way Adam would leave his work to chase women.

Then, when he caught them, he'd forget what he was chasing 'em for.

I wanted to get the gold and get out of here.

This garden spot didn't grow my kind of grub,

and my belly was beginning to think my throat had been cut.

At last he unfold the treasure map.

Adam had come into possession of the map while workin' for Wan Long Gon,

a Chinese laundry.

He had been getting along fine at the laundry

until one day he returned some shirts without breaking the buttons and ripping the collars.

Naturally, he got fired on the spot.

The boss was so mad, he threw Adam in the gutter.

then wrapped up Adam for loans and moneylending, too.

When he got home

Adam discovered the boss had wrapped his things in the treasure map.

The map was Adam's downfall.

Today all his friends call him "feary"

because he seldom works.

When Adam started to work I became a little worried.

Well, I didn't know how well he could count.

When he started kindergarten, Adam was different from all the other five-year-olds in the class.

Adam was twelve.

But Adam didn't let that stop him.

What he lacked in intelligence, he more than made up for in stupidity.

The natives weren't mathematicians, either, but they sure knew how to head and distract.

They added to the scenery and distracted from Adam's power of concentration.

One of the natives started a favorite game of mine.

Chickasaw puzzle.

Adam hated to go to work just to support a lazy bum like himself

but he finally got to it.

The natives knew that Adam was looking for gold.

They had diagnosed his case by feeling his purse.

Adam hadn't been able to think since the day he went to the race track.

Made a mental bet with himself and lost his mind.

The natives tried to entice Adam again,

but the smell of perfume had been replaced by the smell of gold.

No! No, look.

15 paces, buddy.

He was playing in the sand when he decided to pluck some fruit from a tree

with a multi-colored trunk

and exceptionally nice grapes.

So it was Fatima the Witch.

No wonder her body looked funny.

She had painted leaves all over.

The natives' scheme worked beautifully.

They had Adam so confused, he didn't know whether he was this or that.

Truth was that Adam didn't trust the natives too far,

and they didn't trust him too near.

One minute he's racing away from the area,

and in the next minute he's racing back.

We should've named him Sputnik since he was always running in circles.

The other natives took advantage of Adam,

but he didn't seem to mind.

They saved a fat man a good nature.

And Adam was no sour push.

In fact,

he had so many double chins that he had to use a bookmark to find his necktie.

But the natives still had no right to take a sap for a map.

I will say one thing:

Adam made the natives come to him.

He was too lazy to move.

As a matter of fact,

he was the kind of guy who would stand for hours,

holding a cocktail shaker, waiting for an earthquake.

The native was still tormenting Adam when Fatima appeared.

What a beast.

She acted like a young girl

but she looked like an old witch.

She was a different kind of native.

Who wouldn't be with a face like that?

But there was hope that her limbs would help where the brain couldn't.

Then, Fatima, in desperation, decided to show him her map.

Not the one she was weraing, but the one she was carrying.

It was the missing piece, and Fatima expected reward.

But she reminded Adam of rich pastry.

She made him sick.

Of course,

everybody has some faults.

I knew a young donkey once who corrected all his faults

and made a perfect ass of himself.

The natives didn't know how to stop Adam to finding the gold,

but one of them said she thought she could swing him.

And she almost succeeded,

but not quite.

He headed straight for the treasure,

when he sees another native,

doing a dance to the rain god.

But it didn't dampen Adam's spirit,

although he felt a thunder struck when she appeared like a bolt out of the blue.

When the dance ended,

Adam was in such a fog that he ran head first into a rubber tree.

Now, mother nature had delayed for 30 years to make him into a man.

Then, along comes this native,

and she makes a fool of him in less than 5 minutes.

The next native put Adam into a slow spin.

She was just the kind of native he wanted to go around with.

Her costume had him puzzled.

He couldn't figure out where she carried her hankie.

When the native failed,

one by one they acted like sour grapes and came at him in bunches.

The natives were filled with carnival spirit.

Adam had never been to carnival.

But once he went to a flee circus and stole the show.

At least half a dozen natives were taken part in that spectacle,

speaking in a round way, of course.

The natives had Adam spell-bound.

But they didn't fool me.

They waited for a man who'd be tall, dark and handsome,

while Adam was short, fat, and ugly.

The natives

were trying hard to keep Adam away from the treasure,

but they didn't seem to realize that he saw no evil

heard no evil, and spoke no evil.

Well, this kept him out of trouble, but it made him pretty much of a bore at parties.

But if he intended to walk the straight arrow, he had to stop making around.

He was still in danger.

But the natives were also having their ups and downs.

Just watching them warmed the bottom of his heart,

but he had cold feet.

The trouble with resist a temptation

is that it may never come again,

but Adam decided to leave anyway.

I was all set to follow him,

when a native came out of the bushes and began to scratch my ears.

She was a real nice native,

but her face will never be a fortune,

although it did run into a nice figure.

I realized, Fatima was just using me to getting good with Adam,

but her little scheme didn't work.

He took one look at her face and decided he had other things to do.

She had a great deal of will power,

but she underestimated Adam's warm power.

The next native tried to attract him with an exotic dance.

Adam did stop to admire her costume,

but that didn't take too long, since about all she had on was the radio.

I knew she was wasting her time on him.

After all, they were two different types.

She liked boys, and he liked girls.

I had to admire the native.

Dancing was their business,

and it was a pretty good business,

considering the fact that

she started out with nothing but a shoe string.

Do you notice those delicate fingers semblance this native dance?

Well, finger semblance seem to have become popular in Turkey's dances

during the 1st century.

The formula for this instrument that gives the most delicate and musical tones

is not known today.

To get the best musical effect

resembles our correce together like the kiss of two garlic eaten lovers.

Ah, those delicate samples.

Yep,

you got to have samples for dances like this.

Ow!

Samples.

I was glad when Adam decided to leave.

The sun was boiling hot,

even though he resisted her condition.

I breathed relieved.

When Adam finally began to dig for the treasure,

or at least that what I thought he was doing,

but as it turned out later,

he was only playing in the sand.

He was charged with ambition,

but I guess, pudged just couldn't keep up the pace.

He dug a big hole, but only he'd find in it was space.

I felt sorry for him.

To save money for this trip he had to cut out drinking, smoking, gambling, and women.

So I knew he'd be cutten out paper dolls next, if he didn't find the treasure.

He was so interested in his work

that he didn't see the native watching from behind the bushes.

She had a nice face,

but I couldn't help noticing that here "torso" was "more so".

Adam's forefathers thought nothing of hard work,

and Adam didn't think much of it, either.

But he kept right on digging, while the female spy went to report to the other natives.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call her a gossip,

but I noticed

that she had her mouth open so much that her tongue was sunburned.

The natives were hatching some foul plot

and Fatima didn't like it.

She was willing to fight for Adam,

but she was out of ammunition before the battle even started.

They had decided they could lure Adam away from the treasure by displaying some of their own.

They started by exhibiting a generous nature,

although how generous nature had been to them.

Adam felt for their tricks,

but I knew they would setting a trap for the map.

None of them had any medical training,

but they certainly knew how to operate.

They might have succeeded,

if Fatima hadn't cut in.

Poor girl.

She didn't stand a chance.

But was still in there trying.

I don't know why she wanted a big fat man like him,

not that Adam hadn't tried to lose weight.

Once he had sworn off food and drink completely,

and in fourteen days he lost two weeks.

It took a little argument,

but finally Fatima agreed to show Adam where the treasure was hidden.

All of Fatima's part seemed to be working perfectly,

but it took a little while to get him there.

When she finally pointed out the spot, Adam dropped to the ground like a maniac.

Well, he found a box

or at least he thought he did.

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Gold!

Unless the price for sand skyrockets,

we ended up just as broke as the day we started all.

Funny,

but somehow the whole thing seems like it never really happened,

and I'm not too sure that it did.

By the way,

do you happen to have a treasure map somewhere, too?

Hmmm?