Original subtitles

- Hello, I'm Nicole Byer.

I don't know what I'm doing today.

Also, there's no mirrors,

so I don't know if there's toothpaste on my face.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- Who am I?

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

Three, two, one, open.

- Oh.

Okay.

Talking metal till I die, dude.

There's nothing better than listening to metal

and drinking tequila!

She's Susan from England and she's having a midlife crisis.

My husband left me.

He was a nice bloke,

but I feel like I need a bad boy.

I want to feel a hog between my legs,

and that means motorcycle.

(crew laughs)

A 16-year-old who's rebelling

against her dumb fucking parents.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- We all have a story to tell.

Sorry, just, oh, right, okay.

(exhales) Okay. (clears throat)

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

So again, we're bringing the guest to set

and that is sort of how we start this.

And that's how we started all of them, right?

PA, am I gonna go find them?

So maybe that.

Okay, maybe a hot-or-cold situation.

You tell me if I'm close.

This way.

Guest, guest, guest.

Okay, everyone, so this is sort

of the conceit of the show, right?

Is we have a guest come in,

and then we sort of bring them to set.

So maybe we try that next time.

I'm gonna take a break, I'm gonna take five.

I don't want a cigarette,

but I want something that looks like a cigarette, okay?

I want it long and I want it set on fire.

- Wow, guess you're late.

- So I'm not late, been here for four hours.

- Wow. - And overnight.

- I've never seen somebody in a suit be so late.

- Okay, so please introduce yourself.

(water spraying)

- I asked for vodka and this is fucking water!

- Well, you look like you're maybe 16.

- Yeah, you guessed it.

Almost 17, almost 32.

- Well, happy birthday, and I guess time is relative.

Please introduce yourself.

- Candice.

(graphics synthesizing)

(upbeat funk music)

- Hello, Candice, we're very happy to have you.

I'm Vic, nice to meet you.

- Hi, Vic.

I'm from Vermont. - Well, that's wonderful.

Maple syrup. - Yeah.

- We're sort of trying to connect with the teen audience.

- Okay. - Now, we did a big open call

and you submitted a video to us.

- My mom did.

Her name's Georgie.

- Now, I'm a little confused,

'cause she did say you were a cheerleader, an A student,

and you were competing in a pageant next weekend.

- That was two weeks ago, I'm changing.

- What happens two weeks ago that brings us here?

- I woke up. - Sure.

- I was looking on the internet.

I was on a website called YouTube.

- Okay. - And I found a bunch

of cool kids who dress like this,

and I said, "That's what the fuck I'm gon be."

- Okay. - And then, my mom was like,

"Man, I wish 'Jenny Jones' still existed.

I wish 'Jerry Springer' still existed."

- "Maury." - Wait, what?

What? Were you in a- - As well.

- Closet as closet listening to my mama?

- No, I wasn't in a closet listening to anybody.

And if I was in the closet,

I'd come out, 'cause that's cool.

- 'Cause that would be creepy.

- If I was in the closet listening to your mom?

- Yeah, if a nice white was in the closet

listening to my mom.

- And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't do that.

- You got a lot of swans.

It's kind of weird. - I do.

Thank you for noticing.

They're sort of emblematic of my transformation.

- Your transformation?

- That's not what we're here to talk about today.

We're here to talk about teen culture.

- Yeah. - And so school.

- Yeah? - What is that like?

- You're trying so hard.

And, like, the part of, like, counterculture that I'm in,

it's like, who cares?

Like, lean back.

Kick a leg out.

(Candice coughs)

I got a cough from smoking ciggies.

- Okay, so two weeks ago, you won an exemplary award

for an exemplary student at your high school.

- Yeah. - Apparently,

you're very good at social studies.

- Was. - Was?

- Now, I don't care about the studies

or the social aspect of school.

- Why? - Because my mom

wants me to be a doctor and I don't wanna do that.

- So what do you do for fun?

- Smoke cigarettes, drink vodka or gin, not water.

- Hey, I got some coffee in my cup.

Sort of the vodka of the working world.

- What's your deal? - Host.

Hosting a show.

- Have you ever thought about thinking outside the box

and doing what you wanna do for you?

Listen, I was at the top of the pyramid

and I was thinking, I said,

"Do I really wanna be this high up?

Why do I wanna wear a skirt?

Why do I wanna excel in school?"

And then I was like, "I'm gonna be bad."

- Not everybody has the option to just decide to, you know.

- You can be bad.

You could find someone with a motorcycle

and you can get on the back,

and you could say, "Fuck all this pink,

fuck all these swans.

Fuck this weird gold thing." - It's a rental.

- You could rent plants like that?

- Mhmm. - Who would've thought?

I feel like in school they don't tell you

you could be a plant rental person.

- So we brought you on to sort of hear about teen culture.

Teen life. - Hell yeah, dude.

- In order to learn a little bit more about that,

I was hoping we could do a segment

that I like to call "What's in Your Bag?"

- Sure. (gentle upbeat music)

Hey, thanks.

- So we got your mom to bring in your backpack

from school here.

I was hoping maybe I could go through it-

- Usually I don't let people touch my stuff,

but I'ma be agreeable. - Thank you.

Okay, so yeah, we got some fun designs on here.

SK8? - Yeah.

It's a fun way to spell skate.

- Breaking away from our mold of sort of a good student.

- I just ran outta ink in my little white pen.

- Right, of course.

First item we got, so we have a notebook.

- Don't look in it.

- Well, I won't if you don't want me to.

- It's my diary. - Right.

We have, oh, okay, these are fun.

- Tarot cards. - Tarot cards.

Why don't we pull some cards, huh?

- All right. Pick three. - Pick three? Okay.

Do I look? - No.

- Are you gonna try and guess my card?

- No, that's called magic. - Right.

- All right, they're all upside down, that's pretty bad.

- What do you mean it's pretty bad?

- It's not good.

- Okay, because, am I gonna die?

- Well, your past is the moon.

So that means there was a lot of light in your heart,

but then there was darkness that took over.

- That doesn't sound right. - Your present,

Queen of Swords, that means you're gonna kill someone.

Your future is Night of Swords.

You're gonna do it at night. - I couldn't kill anything.

I can't kill bugs. - The cards don't lie.

Seems like you're pretty counterculture yourself.

- Maybe I am counterculture, a little chill.

How about we read your cards?

How about that? - Okay.

- Pick three, don't peak.

Okay, Double Past, Double Swords, down.

Uh-uh, it's because you sort of have two paths.

- Okay. - Next,

we have Judgment Day. - Oh boy.

- And that day is- - Oh, on my heart.

- On your heart, your heart day.

- That's Wednesday, right in the middle of the week.

- Okay, so you're gonna have a big decision to make midweek.

Is there anything coming up that you can think of?

- Well, my boyfriend, he was like,

"Do you wanna, like, be exclusive?"

And that's a big decision that I'm gonna have to make.

- Fun! Okay, well tell me about this.

Who is this? Who's this boy?

- His name is Spike.

He's 27. - Mm-mm.

- He's really cute.

I met him outside school.

He was sitting in a car,

and he was like, "Hey, little girl."

And I was like, "Oh, (giggling)

I can't believe you're flirting with me."

- Okay, this is, and excuse me for overstepping,

this sounds like maybe a bad situation.

- I know. I'm a bad girl.

(Vic sighs)

- Last, but not least, we have,

oh, we got a few more things in here actually.

- Oh yeah, that's my phone.

- Why did we pick this one?

- I don't need an iPhone.

I don't need an Android.

I just need to beep-bop-boop.

Hi, hi, hi, see you later, buh-bye.

- Okay, I love that.

Maybe we trade phone numbers after this

and so we can sort of chitchat.

- You don't want me to hang out with Spike,

but you wanna hang out with me?

- Because it would be different,

because we'd just be like friends.

- Okay, buddy.

- And you'd put some red in my hair. (chuckles)

Okay, well, we'll think about it.

We'll circle back on it. - All right.

- Last, but not least, okay, that's a little broken.

- You broke my cig?

- It was just sort of loose in your backpack.

- Why did you break my cig?

- I think it was broken in there, 'cause it sort of-

- I think you broke my cig. - And it's smokeable, still.

Right? (Candice sighs in disgust)

Can we get maybe her just a whole-

- I would love a whole cig.

- Just, okay. - Ah, hell yeah, dude.

- And that is the end of "What is in My Bag?"

Thank you so much for doing that.

So, PA. Can I get a PA in here?

- You could say "please."

I may be counterculture and, like, rebelling,

but I still haven't lost my manners.

- Well, so, you know, it's one of those things

where they know I mean it.

They know I mean "please," right?

- How do people know what you mean

if you're not saying exactly what you mean?

- I'm sort of a benevolent leader.

Do you know time off? - Is that a band?

- Well, you know, like when people get time off of work?

- Okay. - Well, I'm just saying.

You know, I'm a benevolent leader.

I made sure everybody has a weekend.

- Well, that's just a legality thing.

- Well, they're not, it's largely a nonunion set.

So we sort of- - It's nonunion?

- Well, you know- - Damn, y'all should unionize.

- And they don't need to, because I'm taking care of 'em.

- I don't know, I work at Dairy Queen and we unionized.

- You unionized your Dairy Queen?

- Sure did, you're not getting a Dilly Bar without fair pay.

- That's incredible.

Not for you guys, but just as sort of in a vacuum.

That's amazing. - I don't know.

You guys should unionize.

- So we had some viewers write-in questions.

They knew there was gonna be a teen on the show

and they sort of wanted to ask their teen questions.

- Did you give them more information

other than just a teen was gonna be here?

- We said sort of a teen with their hand on the pulse.

- All right, I won't question you anymore.

(gentle upbeat music)

- First question, we have from Rick,

from Springfield, Illinois.

And it says, "My daughter is about to turn 13.

What advice would you have for her?"

- Let her make her own choices and be free.

- So that's pretty good advice actually.

Let her make a couple of choices.

Like, "What are we having for dinner tonight?"

- "What do you wanna do with your body"?

- Sure.

Sure, but what if she wants to put her body,

you know, on a plane and go follow

some man across the country?

- Sometimes you have to follow men,

whether it be Bruno Mars, Brad Pitt,

or Fred Durst, you gotta go.

- So, you know, sort of,

I feel like there's sort of multiple ways

that you can take that, right?

Okay, so we have one here from Marsha,

and she is from Plainfield, Kentucky.

"What slang words are in and which ones are out"?

- The slang words that are in are the ones that you like.

Like, when I like something, I go, "Slam dunk!"

- Do you? - And it's not necessarily

popular amongst other people, but it makes me feel good.

And when I don't like something I go,

"Oh no, missed the dunk!" - I like that.

Maybe I'm gonna start taking that one.

- I feel like you're trying too hard

to become something you're not.

- I feel like I have a pretty strong sense of self.

- I don't know, I thought so too, two weeks ago,

but then my change happened.

- Well, can I be honest with you?

It kind of sounds like you watched a YouTube video,

and then you made that your personality.

- You've been coming at me so hard.

A lot like my mom, Georgie,

who put me on a bus and sent me here from fucking Vermont.

I'm missing days at the Queen. - Days at the Queen?

- Yeah, Dairy Queen, don't you remember?

- Oh, days at the Dairy Queen, yes, of course.

I didn't realize that you were calling it the Queen,

which is actually kind of fun.

Maybe I'm gonna start doing that if it feels right for me,

and if it doesn't, then I won't.

- Okay. - So last, but not least.

And this is from Dave,

and he is from Appleton, Vermont, actually.

And he wants to know, "What is your coolest dance move?"

(Candice snaps)

Sort of a single snap. - Yeah.

And then, you kind of just vibe.

- Are you going out, are you going to places

that music is happening?

- Yeah, I went and saw Limp Bizkit's reunion tour.

- Do they just sort of come around like Cher?

- I don't know this Cher you speak of.

- You've never heard of Cher before?

- No. - Any of it?

- No.

- "Do You Believe in Life After Love?"

- I don't. - No, the song.

You don't? - I believe in the "Nookie."

- Is that a Limp Bizkit song? - Yep.

- And so here's something there.

Hey, can I say something?

- It's your fucking show.

- You sort of said something earlier and I was like,

"That maybe set off a bell."

You said that maybe like I don't know who I am.

- Yeah, I simply don't think you do.

- But I mean, I picked this out.

- It's just a shade of nude.

- Well, no, it's sort of, and then it match.

And 'cause if you look at this, so sort of,

and just watch, ready?

And it sort of fits.

- Feels like you're trying to fade into the background.

- Okay, well, what should I, what should I look like?

How about this, why don't you give a little,

give me a little makeover, how about that?

- All right. - Would we like that?

- I'll need tools.

- Can we have a PA fly in some tools?

- You could say "please."

- Please, please, can we have a PA?

And watch this, and thank you.

(gentle upbeat music)

Look at that, doing all the lifting by myself.

You guys take it easy for a little bit.

- Run this through your hair.

- Okay.

Fun, okay, there we go.

- Okay. - How's that?

Little more? - Got a lot of hairspray

up in there, don't ya?

- Oh yeah. - Let's use this middle color

for some blush. - Okay, so just sort of-

- Nope, more. - Okay, so sort of really-

- Really heavy-handed. - Like this?

- Yes. - Okay.

- Now get in there.

Yes! - Like that?

- That's nice. - Okay.

- I can see your cheekbones now.

All right. - Look at that.

What do we think?

Pretty fun. - Now.

- Okay, so we got this now.

- And you could say "thank you" when I hand you things.

- Thank you. - Get in there.

- With what? - Whichever color speaks

to your heart.

White? - Is that wrong?

- It's not wrong, but it is the most bland color in there.

Why don't you go for this burnt sienna?

- Okay, I didn't even think that was an option.

- You gotta put that on your eyelids.

- Oh, of course.

- More.

That's nice.

- Thank you. - All right.

- For saying that. - Now, do the other eye.

- Okay, maybe, oh. - There you go!

You're getting wild!

- I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!

What are we doing? - We don't know!

- There we go, just right on top.

I don't do my makeup ordinarily.

- Okay, now get this.

- On my off days, I sleep until it's time

to come back into the studio.

- This is an eyebrow pencil. - Oh, eyebrows.

Harder to do with no,

with no mirror.

- That's nice. - Yeah?

Really? - Yep. Now, do the other one.

- This is amazing. - Now, you can use that

as eyeliner, so close your eyes.

- So I feel like I have you to talk to,

now, do you have people to talk to?

- Yeah. - Who?

- I talk to Spike.

I have my other friend.

Her name is Candy. - Candy.

Okay, well, tell me about Candy.

- She's a stripper. - Huh.

Okay, and how did we meet Candy?

Nothing wrong with being a stripper.

- No. - Sex work is work.

I'm just sort of wondering what is, how did you meet Candy?

'Cause you are 16. - Yes.

I met her outside the strip club.

She's 18.

You look so good.

- Thank you.

I feel pretty good.

- Okay.

Isn't it fun I had a mirror the whole time?

- Yep. - How do you feel?

- I feel like I learned something today.

- What did you learn? - What did I learn?

Ask if there's a mirror in the bag first.

- Okay. - Wonderful.

Well, thank you so much for that.

- You're welcome. - Honestly, I don't feel bad.

Okay, so if we can go ahead and, PAs,

if we can fly that chair out.

- Please. - Please.

- I don't know why this is so hard for you.

- Please. - Thank you.

- Don't even need to say please now anymore,

'cause it's counterculture.

- I don't think you're understanding where I'm coming from.

- I got some rapid-fire questions for ya.

- Okay. (gentle music)

- Question number one, what do you bring to a potluck?

- Chili. - Love that.

- What is your favorite quote?

- Well, I wrote it in my diary.

- Okay, let's listen.

- "If God made any mistake, and he didn't,

it's that he put the most important decision in life,

right at the time when our hormones are raging."

- What is the most important decision of life?

- Like, you know, when you're in high school, they're like,

"What do you wanna be when you grow up?"

That's huge!

That's what you're gonna be for a chunk of your time,

and your hormones are raging.

- How about one more? - All right.

I'll look at one of my earlier quotes.

"Openness and vulnerability can be learned

from someone modeling them."

- You wrote that in your diary?

- Yes, it's written in my diary.

- That's just really,

like, pretty poetic and pretty beautiful.

- Yeah. - I'm getting divorced.

- You're getting divorced? - I think so.

- The second part of the quote is,

"Your husband can learn from your example."

- You wrote that down? - Yeah.

- Okay, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm sort of,

like, putting a lot on you.

I'm, like, looking in your eyes right now,

and I'm like, "You're like a kid.

You're like a teenager," right?

You have so much life to live.

And you're like writing these beautiful things down,

and you haven't even experienced this yet.

- People talk to me.

I have a round, symmetrical face,

so people find me friendly.

- I feel like this sort of brings me into my last question.

- Yeah. - I ask this to each

and every one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

- The meaning of life is something

you gotta find out for yourself.

You gotta live your authentic truth, your authentic self.

And when your mom tells you to clean your room,

you say, "Fuck off, bitch!"

- I don't think that one applies to me.

- It does.

Live the life you wanna live.

And if someone goes, "You suck at hosting,"

you go, "Fuck you, bitch!

I'll host the way I wanna host."

- Yeah, fuck, fuck you, bitch.

That's way I wanna host. - Well, not to the crew.

I mean, if somebody's coming at you in a weird way,

then you can respond that way, but the crew-

- Well, they're always coming at me in a weird way.

- I don't know, they seem like

they've been pretty stationary.

- And I'm seeing people gather in the corner there,

and I'm seeing little pieces of paper

and people trying to write out union cards.

And don't even think about it.

- I feel like I've talked to you

and you take it in the wrong way.

- Yes.

Yes, that's it, that's it, right?

Is I'll just sort of keep doing what I'm doing,

but I gotta be harder about it, right?

I gotta yell at the crew louder, yeah?

I gotta make sure that I'm like,

I'm ruling this place with an iron fist, right?

- I don't know. - Oh, maybe sometimes

I'll take my jacket off.

- Oh. - Whoa, maybe I'll take

my jacket off and I'll go like this,

"Pick that up!" - How you gonna-

- [Vic] Oh, okay, that felt pretty good, right?

- That's wrong. - Maybe I'll muss

with the leaves, I'm mussing the leaves.

And then, I'll go, "Fix 'em, fix 'em!"

And if they don't, fired, fired!

Be myself, double down!

- If that's what you wanna do, my you're gonna do it.

- Maybe I'll sit in the chair like this.

Slide in. - Doesn't seem comfortable.

- And I'll just sit like this

and I'll do interviews like this from now.

What do you think? - Seems like every time

I give my opinion you twist it up in a weird way

that makes sense to only you.

- Exactly, your mom said you have an electric guitar solo

you wanted to do for us to play us off today, huh?

- Hell yeah, I do! - Let's fly that in.

No, thank you.

- So you'll never say "please."

- Heck no, you know, 'cause I double down now,

so that's a no "thank you" and no "please."

- Thank you.

I'm sorry nobody seems to appreciate you.

- Here we go, ready?

(Candice strums guitar)

Oh, that's nice, there we go.

(Candice strums guitar)

- I'm sad I came here.

(Candice strums guitar)

I'm sad my mom sent me here.

(Candice strums guitar)

- I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding you to be true to yourself.

Unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight. - Fuck you, Mom!

And I'm not cleaning my room when I get back,

you stupid bitch!

- We can't use that.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music ending)

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