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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Previously on Two and a Half Men.
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That is a very sexy woman.
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-So whose car is it?
-Psychiatrist.
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Let's get out of here, Charlie.
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You are not just going
to leave me here, are you?
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Here we are. Chez Charlie.
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-She's taking her clothes off.
-ls this a great country or what?
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You guys are so cute.
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Right back at you.
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Good, Charlie.
Keep hitting on the deranged woman.
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Hey, Charlie, you're a really cool guy.
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But I'm not going to have sex with you.
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Ever?
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Deep tissue massage, pancakes.
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If you had a TV on your forehead and could
breathe through the ears you'd be perfect.
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You just assume that if we are both
interested in the same woman
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-you would come out on top?
-Of course I would.
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What are you afraid of?
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I'm afraid I'm going to hit you so hard
I'll be an only child.
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-Are you sure?
-It's settled. You are staying with us.
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Of course, we still don't know
a damn thing about her.
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I'm Joanie.
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Hi.
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We are going to go
to Charlie and Alan's house, hon.
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It's a wonderful place where
those awful people will never find us.
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So, Frankie,
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why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?
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Okay, guys, here's the deal.
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I didn't want you to know.
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Okay. I feel better.
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I'm sorry, it's a long story.
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We got time. I'm not doing anything.
Alan, you doing anything?
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No, I'm free.
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I was staying with my grandma
and grandpa, who are really rich,
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and they don't want my mom to have me,
so they said she's crazy.
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That wasn't so long.
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-Can we please talk about this later?
-Okay. What shall we talk about?
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Are you guys gay?
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Isn't she something?
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Okay, here we are.
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This is it, right? One kid, no pets?
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As far as I know.
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-Can I go look at the ocean?
-Sure, just stay on the deck.
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Okay, who has the first question?
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-Alan.
-Thank you.
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-What the hell is going on?
-Good one.
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Here it is. I married a really rich guy,
and his parents always hated me.
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I don't know.
Maybe it was because when we met,
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he was on the road
to becoming a U.S. Congressman
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and I was just, you know, on the road.
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Joanie, get off the railing.
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Anyway, they were not happy
when we got married,
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and they were even less happy
when we used part of his trust fund
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to finance my recording career.
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-You're a singer?
-Well, as it turns out, no. But...
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Then two years ago, Brad died.
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And ever since, his parents have been
trying to take Joanie away from me.
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-So, the psychiatrist...
-Court ordered.
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They're suing me for custody,
saying I'm an unfit parent.
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-Unfit, how?
-You know...
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I'm not a lawyer,
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but taking a baseball bat
to the shrink's Beamer
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might not have helped your case.
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Yeah, they'll probably spin that one
in their favor.
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But I was screwed anyway
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because they were paying him
to make me look bad.
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-That's horrible.
-So what are your plans now?
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I don't know. I didn't think past
just getting her out of there.
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You don't have to know.
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You can stay here for a while
and figure it out. Right?
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-Absolutely.
-Thank you.
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That'd be great. I'll go tell Joanie.
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Terrific. We're happy to have you.
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Okay, we've got to get her out of here.
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-Charlie, she needs us.
-She doesn't need us.
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She needs a lawyer
and probably a new shrink.
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Well, then we'll get her those.
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At this point, I think I'd like
to stop using the word "we."
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You're going to bail on her?
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Two days ago,
you couldn't wait to get her in bed.
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That's because two days ago,
she was just a crazy stranger.
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If I remember correctly,
you couldn't wait to get rid of her.
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Yes, because she was a crazy stranger.
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Now I've gotten to know her
and I want her to stay.
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All right, Alan, but I'm warning you.
This girl's got a lot of baggage.
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I don't know if you have enough
sky cabs to get her to the curb.
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What?
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So, Joanie, what grade are you in?
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-Second.
-Really?
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-I have a little boy who's in fourth.
-So?
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I don't know. I thought it'd be germane
to the conversation.
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Wow. Doesn't matter how old they are,
you still strike out.
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You know, Joanie,
you are just as pretty as your mom.
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So?
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I bow to the master.
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Hold on, let me finish.
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All right,
I'm going to say this one more time
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real slow so there's no confusion.
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You can take your damn money
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and stick it up
your "white bread, country club,
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"Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned" ass.
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Hi.
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-Really? I'm garbage.
-ls Alan here?
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Really? Is that right?
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Well, I got news for you, lady.
The term is white trash.
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-Do you know her?
-Nope, that's a new one.
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-Hi, Dad.
-Jake, Judith. What are you doing here?
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Alan, I told you yesterday
I was going to visit my parents.
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Dad's having another colonoscopy.
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If I'm not there,
I'll have to watch the video.
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Yeah, right. I'm sorry.
There's just been a lot of stuff going on.
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Yeah. I just met your brother's latest stuff.
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-Why do you assume it's his stuff?
-What? Is it yours?
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No, but it's not his, either.
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-But it could be.
-Says who?
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Says your ex-wife.
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Okay, I really don't need to hear this.
Jake, honey, have a good time.
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Charlie, behave yourself.
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What about me?
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I am completely capable
of having my own stuff.
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-Hi, I'm Joanie.
-Hey. I'm going to go play in my room.
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-Can I come with you?
-Whatever.
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If he can just keep that attitude
for another 30 years, he's gold.
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I'm not afraid of your lawyers
or your shrinks.
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Fine, bring them on,
because you know what?
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We're going to run away and hide.
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Now they're really unhappy with me.
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-ls there anything we can do?
-Thanks, you've already done so much.
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-I just hate to put you out like this.
-lt is not a problem.
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We have plenty of space.
You and Joanie can stay in my room
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and I'll bunk with Charlie.
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You'll bunk with Charlie?
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-Hold on there, Pecos Bill.
-No, it'll be fun.
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It'll be like when we were kids.
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Okay.
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But just remember, this time
Mom won't be around to hear you scream.
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Why are those people here?
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They're going through a tough time,
and we're helping them out.
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That girl is really annoying.
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-I think maybe she has a crush on you.
-Yeah, that's what's annoying.
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-You don't really like girls yet?
-No, I like girls.
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Just not into eight-year-olds.
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Is Joanie okay?
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Yeah. She fell asleep
as soon as her head hit the pillow.
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-lt was a long day for her.
-Yeah.
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The good news is
I think my in-laws are going to back off.
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The bad news is
that wasn't my shrink's car.
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Yeah, well, we all make mistakes.
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But at least you made this one
for the right reason.
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You love your daughter.
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I just wish I knew where to go from here.
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Because I know
I seem like I've got it all together,
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-but this is a little...
-Scary?
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Yeah. I understand.
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When my marriage ended, I was terrified.
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It's the unknown.
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-Yeah.
-No, don't cry.
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Everything will work out, you'll see.
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-What's the matter?
-I don't know.
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It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.
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Come here.
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-Alan?
-Yeah?
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It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.
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How much did you see?
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Just enough to make sleep impossible.
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Okay, that's great.
I am dying to talk about this.
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All we did was kiss,
but, Charlie, what a kiss.
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It was like our souls were merging.
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-That was saliva, Alan.
-No, seriously.
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I mean, Frankie is incredible.
Think about it.
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First she loses her husband, then
she has to fight to keep her daughter,
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and yet, still she has such incredible spirit,
such joie de vivre.
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Okay,
would you like to hear my take on this?
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Is it positive and life affirming?
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Good night, Alan.
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Okay, no. Tell me what you think.
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All right.
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I've known you all your life,
and if there's one thing I've noticed,
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you are a stone sucker
for the damsel in distress.
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-I am not.
-Come on, Alan.
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Every woman
you've ever been involved with
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has been damaged and needy.
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Wait, what about... Okay, go on.
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You devote all your time and energy
into fixing them up
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instead of doing the humane thing,
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which is to have sex with them
and run away.
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Exactly how is that the humane thing?
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My way, they have a good time,
you have a good time, nobody suffers.
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Your way, you get married,
you take over their lives,
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they start to hate you,
and you end up moving in with me.
191
00:11:05,417 --> 00:11:08,068
You know what, Charlie?
I think you're jealous.
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00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,369
-Of who?
-Of me.
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00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,669
For the first time in our lives,
a woman picked me
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00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:14,331
over you, and you can't deal with it.
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00:11:14,332 --> 00:11:18,613
I can deal with it.
I don't get it, but I can deal with it.
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00:11:18,614 --> 00:11:21,873
I feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that your heart
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00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:25,771
has become so hard and small
that you've lost the capacity
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00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:29,127
to connect with another human being
on any level any more meaningful
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00:11:29,128 --> 00:11:33,112
than the inebriated exchange
of bodily fluids.
200
00:11:35,199 --> 00:11:37,499
Boy, leave it to you
to take a beautiful thing
201
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Iike drunken sex and make it sound dirty.
202
00:11:41,942 --> 00:11:46,118
I don't know why
I even bother talking to you.
203
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,249
-Alan?
-What?
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00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:54,550
I thought we had a pact
to never go to bed mad.
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00:11:56,194 --> 00:11:58,588
Leave me alone.
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00:11:58,943 --> 00:12:01,938
Come on. Don't you want to spoon?
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00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:07,745
I swear to God,
you are going to lose that hand.
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00:12:08,114 --> 00:12:10,793
-That's not my hand.
-Mom!
209
00:12:18,148 --> 00:12:22,077
-Do you know where Jake is?
-No, honey, I'm sorry.
210
00:12:22,078 --> 00:12:25,560
-We're playing hide-and-seek.
-I don't know where he's hiding.
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00:12:25,561 --> 00:12:29,967
No, I was hiding,
and he was supposed to find me.
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00:12:30,515 --> 00:12:32,909
It's been over an hour.
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00:12:33,742 --> 00:12:37,001
-lf I see him, I'll let him know.
-Thank you.
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00:12:37,002 --> 00:12:39,397
You're welcome.
215
00:12:40,517 --> 00:12:43,026
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
216
00:12:46,173 --> 00:12:48,505
Morning.
217
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:50,901
Morning.
218
00:13:12,185 --> 00:13:14,579
-Coffee?
-Thank you.
219
00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:20,493
So, I thought maybe today, you, me,
and the kids might go do something fun.
220
00:13:20,494 --> 00:13:23,990
-What about Charlie?
-He's had his fun.
221
00:13:24,392 --> 00:13:25,830
I know. Why don't we go
222
00:13:25,831 --> 00:13:27,907
to Will Rogers State Park
and have a picnic?
223
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,302
-That sounds nice.
-Great.
224
00:13:34,363 --> 00:13:36,757
-Morning.
-Morning.
225
00:13:44,493 --> 00:13:46,887
Oh, man.
226
00:13:47,017 --> 00:13:49,412
I'm the extra guy.
227
00:13:50,021 --> 00:13:52,161
Don't call yourself extra.
228
00:13:52,162 --> 00:13:54,556
-Try superfluous.
-Alan.
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00:13:55,230 --> 00:13:59,367
-Fifth wheel, eleventh toe, third nipple.
-Alan!
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00:14:00,759 --> 00:14:01,908
Interesting.
231
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:05,558
-What's interesting?
-This is new for me.
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00:14:05,999 --> 00:14:08,394
Don't really like it.
233
00:14:09,738 --> 00:14:13,379
-Charlie, you're a great guy.
-No, please, stop.
234
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:15,425
Do not call me a great guy.
235
00:14:15,426 --> 00:14:17,502
That's what you call
the schmuck loser friend
236
00:14:17,503 --> 00:14:18,813
who has to dance with the
237
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:21,208
hot chick's ugly cousin.
238
00:14:25,492 --> 00:14:29,992
-What?
-Nothing. Just having a really good day.
239
00:14:34,024 --> 00:14:39,392
-Hey, coming on the picnic, Uncle Charlie?
-No. Couldn't find a date.
240
00:14:39,393 --> 00:14:40,511
Jake,
241
00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:43,163
Mom wants to know
if you want egg salad or tuna for lunch.
242
00:14:43,164 --> 00:14:45,558
-Tuna.
-Me, too.
243
00:14:49,076 --> 00:14:51,470
God, she's annoying.
244
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,795
At least you're not a third nipple.
245
00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:56,648
Jake, why don't you go in the kitchen
246
00:14:56,649 --> 00:15:01,821
and help Joanie pick out some snacks
for the picnic basket?
247
00:15:05,213 --> 00:15:07,065
You sure you don't want to come with us?
248
00:15:07,066 --> 00:15:12,370
-Do you really want me to come with you?
-No, I was just being polite.
249
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:16,716
Listen, Frankie,
we need to talk about you and Alan.
250
00:15:16,717 --> 00:15:18,922
Come on, stud.
251
00:15:18,923 --> 00:15:23,616
-You're not jealous, are you?
-No. Dumbfounded, maybe.
252
00:15:23,652 --> 00:15:27,709
Mystified, astounded, flabbergasted,
but not jealous.
253
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:30,905
I just want to make sure
that you understand how vulnerable he is.
254
00:15:30,906 --> 00:15:33,654
You don't think I'm vulnerable, too?
255
00:15:33,654 --> 00:15:35,251
Maybe you haven't noticed, Charlie,
256
00:15:35,252 --> 00:15:38,734
but I'm wrapped tighter
than an airport sandwich.
257
00:15:38,735 --> 00:15:42,345
Okay, let me put it this way,
my brother is crazy about you.
258
00:15:42,346 --> 00:15:45,093
Well, I'm crazy about him, too.
259
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:47,874
No, you don't understand. Alan's a nester.
260
00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:50,813
He's already imagining
the two of you walking through lKEA,
261
00:15:50,814 --> 00:15:53,913
picking out flatware and throw pillows.
262
00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:56,596
-Come on.
-He did it with me.
263
00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:03,986
You really care about him, don't you?
264
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:06,600
Yes.
265
00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:09,081
You're a great guy, Charlie.
266
00:16:15,132 --> 00:16:18,168
Great guy and a kiss on the cheek.
267
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,424
Why doesn't she just kick me in the balls?
268
00:16:25,199 --> 00:16:26,604
-Want to play tag?
-No.
269
00:16:26,605 --> 00:16:27,947
-Hide-and-seek?
-No.
270
00:16:27,948 --> 00:16:30,342
-Want to chase me?
-No.
271
00:16:31,430 --> 00:16:35,616
-The kids are having a great time.
-This is a wonderful idea, Alan. Thank you.
272
00:16:35,617 --> 00:16:38,460
Hey, what makes it wonderful
is the company.
273
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:42,109
Do you always say exactly the right thing?
274
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,253
I don't know.
275
00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:47,056
I suppose I try to be sensitive
to the moment
276
00:16:47,057 --> 00:16:50,411
and weigh my words
so that they're emotional...
277
00:16:50,412 --> 00:16:52,806
No, not always.
278
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:01,493
Listen, Frankie, I was thinking.
279
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:05,941
We get along so well,
and our kids get along,
280
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,817
and since neither one of us
really has our own place...
281
00:17:08,818 --> 00:17:11,213
Alan.
282
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,965
Absolutely not.
283
00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:19,778
-But...
-No. My life is such a mess,
284
00:17:19,779 --> 00:17:22,176
and I've got to straighten out
a bunch of things
285
00:17:22,177 --> 00:17:25,530
before I can even think
about a relationship.
286
00:17:25,531 --> 00:17:32,312
Yes, you've got a lot of baggage,
but it's nothing I can't get to the curb.
287
00:17:32,658 --> 00:17:35,181
-What?
-lt was something Charlie said.
288
00:17:35,182 --> 00:17:38,313
I was hoping you'd know what it meant.
289
00:17:38,314 --> 00:17:40,102
No. Alan,
290
00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:42,468
I talked to my brother in Seattle today,
291
00:17:42,469 --> 00:17:48,416
and he and his wife are going
to put me and Joanie up for a while.
292
00:17:49,562 --> 00:17:52,608
-You're leaving?
-Tomorrow morning.
293
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:57,647
'Cause, you know, I can enroll her
in school there and get a job
294
00:17:57,648 --> 00:18:00,203
and start putting my life
back together again.
295
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:03,067
Yeah, no. That makes sense. Sure.
296
00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:08,965
-I'm sorry.
-No. You're doing the right thing.
297
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:13,474
-Look on the bright side, Alan.
-What bright side?
298
00:18:13,977 --> 00:18:16,888
You're going to get laid tonight.
299
00:18:22,253 --> 00:18:25,845
Oh, boy. I think I'm going to cry again.
300
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,670
Okay, hon, the cab's waiting.
Say goodbye to Jake.
301
00:18:32,671 --> 00:18:35,066
-Bye, Jake.
-Bye.
302
00:18:36,473 --> 00:18:38,868
Oh, man!
303
00:18:39,893 --> 00:18:44,499
-Charlie, what can I say?
-I know. I'm a great guy.
304
00:18:47,882 --> 00:18:50,276
Oh, man!
305
00:18:51,269 --> 00:18:54,144
You know, I would've been happy
to drive you to the airport.
306
00:18:54,145 --> 00:18:58,586
No, it's better to say goodbye here,
because LAX is hectic and crazy,
307
00:18:58,587 --> 00:19:03,731
and the underwire in my bra
always sets off the metal detectors.
308
00:19:03,732 --> 00:19:06,576
You know,
this doesn't have to be goodbye forever.
309
00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:09,995
Once we get all settled,
you can come visit us.
310
00:19:09,996 --> 00:19:12,390
Sure.
311
00:19:25,973 --> 00:19:28,367
Bye.
312
00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:49,938
Here, I'm running late.
313
00:20:01,636 --> 00:20:08,397
-It's tough seeing her go, isn't it?
-Yeah. I'm really going to miss Joanie.
24868
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