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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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-Hi.
-Hi, Uncle Charlie.
2
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How was your game?
3
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The musician's softball league is a joke.
4
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Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.
5
00:00:19,590 --> 00:00:22,849
People throwing up on
an easy double play ball.
6
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So why do you go?
7
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There is an open bar,
and they let me pitch.
8
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I've got to get dressed.
9
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I was going to throw this toast out,
but it's yours if you want it.
10
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When did I become the family dog?
11
00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:48,197
-Jake, what's this, a phone message?
-Yeah. Some lady called for you.
12
00:00:48,198 --> 00:00:50,957
Who? I can't read your writing.
13
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"You're a big selfish jerk."
14
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Okay, I know who this is. Amy.
15
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-Probably Amy.
-Yup, Amy.
16
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-She wants you to call her back.
-Yeah, that'll happen.
17
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-Why not?
-Because I never said I'd call her back.
18
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Remember this, Jake,
19
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never make promises to women
that you don't intend to keep.
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-And you know how you do that?
-Always keep my promises?
21
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That might work.
22
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A better way is never make promises.
23
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-What happens if Amy calls again?
-Okay, I'm glad you asked that.
24
00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:34,704
When the phone rings
at Uncle Charlie's house,
25
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we don't just willy-nilly pick up
the receiver and answer it. No.
26
00:01:39,819 --> 00:01:43,335
What we do is we check the caller l.D.,
27
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and only pick up if we want
to talk to that person.
28
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-Like Mom?
-That depends.
29
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Your mom, yes. My mom, no.
30
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How come you don't want
to talk to your mom?
31
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I'll tell you all about that
when you are old enough to drink.
32
00:02:01,011 --> 00:02:02,768
What if I want to talk to your mom?
33
00:02:02,769 --> 00:02:08,727
Okay, that kind of attitude is going
to break down the whole system.
34
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-Dad, no! Don't pick up the phone!
-Why not?
35
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It might be your mom. Or a woman.
36
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It's Amy again. She just won't give up.
37
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Charlie.
38
00:02:38,248 --> 00:02:41,827
Look, I appreciate your need for privacy,
but I think you're sending a bad message
39
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,777
to my son about how to deal with women.
40
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How so?
41
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He thinks it's okay
to avoid somebody because
42
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the conversation might be uncomfortable.
43
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Charlie!
44
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Okay, that's not funny.
45
00:02:56,819 --> 00:02:59,982
Look, if I am teaching
the kid anything, it's honesty.
46
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Really? Walk me through
the lesson, Charlie. Educate me.
47
00:03:04,363 --> 00:03:08,165
Okay. I tell women upfront I'm not looking
for a long-term relationship.
48
00:03:08,166 --> 00:03:11,458
If they don't believe me, or
they're determined to change my mind,
49
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I have a right to avoid that conversation.
50
00:03:13,345 --> 00:03:15,517
And the phone company obviously
agrees with me,
51
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otherwise they wouldn't have invented
caller l.D.
52
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Uncle Charlie,
53
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what if somebody you don't want to talk
to comes over instead of calls?
54
00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:29,178
-Just tell them I'm not here.
-He's not here, Grandma!
55
00:03:30,189 --> 00:03:32,138
Mom, you just surprised me.
56
00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:35,110
-You should have called first.
-Charlie, I call constantly.
57
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You screen like an Olympic drug tester.
58
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:40,321
I'm happy to see you, Mom.
59
00:03:40,322 --> 00:03:43,932
I don't believe you, sweetheart.
But at least you care enough to lie.
60
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I care enough to lie.
You just caught me off guard.
61
00:03:48,249 --> 00:03:49,590
So, what are you doing here?
62
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I'm showing a house up the beach, and I
thought, while I am in the neighborhood,
63
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I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
64
00:03:56,144 --> 00:03:58,508
You are writing him a check?
65
00:03:58,509 --> 00:04:03,239
-What kind of gift is that?
-You told me he likes transformer toys.
66
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,120
This check transforms into
any toy he wants.
67
00:04:09,376 --> 00:04:10,750
Thanks, Grandma!
68
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,606
Is that all? Don't I get a hug?
69
00:04:14,459 --> 00:04:17,170
Your grandma loves you so much.
70
00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:20,121
Grandma's got to go to work.
71
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:23,689
Nobody just gives her checks. Walk me.
72
00:04:26,254 --> 00:04:30,088
In case you are at all interested, I have
been seeing a man. And
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he just may be the one.
74
00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:35,006
-Five time's the charm.
-Four.
75
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,984
-But, what about the guy...
-That was annulled.
76
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Boy! Are we going to have a new daddy?
77
00:04:40,829 --> 00:04:43,224
Bite me, Charlie.
78
00:04:44,313 --> 00:04:47,860
I would like to have a dinner
at the house so you boys can meet him.
79
00:04:47,861 --> 00:04:50,034
What night is good for you?
80
00:04:50,035 --> 00:04:54,240
-What night do you want us?
-I asked you first.
81
00:04:56,140 --> 00:05:00,805
Jake's here weekends, it's Thursday.
Check my calendar.
82
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Don't really want to.
83
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,402
Tomorrow night, 7:00.
84
00:05:09,565 --> 00:05:13,303
It's very important to me,
and I hope you can make it.
85
00:05:13,304 --> 00:05:19,263
But I will certainly understand
if you are too busy for your mother.
86
00:05:20,912 --> 00:05:22,541
You know what she is trying to do.
87
00:05:22,542 --> 00:05:24,810
-Of course I know.
-But maybe one of us should go.
88
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-Sure. You go, I look bad.
-What do you care?
89
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-I don't care.
-Then don't go.
90
00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:29,988
-I'm not going.
-I'm not going, either.
91
00:05:29,989 --> 00:05:32,737
-I'm not staying.
-We'll eat, we'll go.
92
00:05:32,738 --> 00:05:35,103
-No coffee, no dessert.
-We can't be rude.
93
00:05:35,104 --> 00:05:37,884
Watch me. I refuse to let that woman...
94
00:05:37,885 --> 00:05:41,110
-Hi, Mom.
-Better late than never.
95
00:05:41,528 --> 00:05:46,034
-We're right on time.
-I was referring to the big picture.
96
00:05:46,035 --> 00:05:47,184
Hi, Grandma.
97
00:05:47,185 --> 00:05:50,924
And look, you brought Jake
to meet my new beau.
98
00:05:50,925 --> 00:05:54,824
Come here, sweetheart. Now, tonight you
and I are going to play a game.
99
00:05:54,825 --> 00:05:57,354
And the name of the game is,
100
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"Don't call me Grandma."
101
00:06:00,738 --> 00:06:01,920
What kind of game is that?
102
00:06:01,921 --> 00:06:06,938
It's a fun game, honey. It only
has one rule. You have to call me Evelyn.
103
00:06:06,939 --> 00:06:09,334
-Okay.
-Try it.
104
00:06:10,072 --> 00:06:13,597
-Evelyn.
-See? We're having fun already.
105
00:06:14,227 --> 00:06:19,678
Look, you didn't bring wine. Good.
Too many people bring wine.
106
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Tommy, darling, I would like you
to meet my sons.
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This is Charlie.
108
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-Charlie.
-Hi, Tommy. How are you?
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00:06:28,547 --> 00:06:30,272
-Alan.
-Hello.
110
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-And this is Jake.
-Yes, I am, Evelyn.
111
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Let's not beat it to death, okay?
112
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,701
Good to meet you, Jake.
113
00:06:39,702 --> 00:06:44,144
There you are. Boys, this
is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.
114
00:06:44,145 --> 00:06:47,345
-Hello, Charlie.
-Hi there, stranger.
115
00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:49,961
Do you two know each other?
116
00:06:49,962 --> 00:06:52,797
-I thought I knew him.
-Oh, no.
117
00:06:54,661 --> 00:06:57,089
Okay. Who would like a drink?
I would like a drink.
118
00:06:57,090 --> 00:07:04,140
Charlie, come help me make the drinks.
Alan, talk to Olivia. Alan was a cesarean.
119
00:07:05,849 --> 00:07:11,500
It wasn't medically necessary.
She just had a function to go to.
120
00:07:13,072 --> 00:07:18,505
Is there anyone in the 310 area code
that you have not mounted?
121
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:22,468
Come on, we went out a couple of times.
She assumed it was an exclusive thing,
122
00:07:22,469 --> 00:07:27,584
and when she found out it wasn't,
she got a little upset.
123
00:07:29,086 --> 00:07:33,016
Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice
guy. I am very happy for you.
124
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:37,681
-Goodnight.
-Charles. You are not going anywhere.
125
00:07:38,004 --> 00:07:41,423
This man is very important to me.
We are going to have a nice dinner.
126
00:07:41,424 --> 00:07:44,907
You're going to be charming,
and Tommy will remain oblivious
127
00:07:44,908 --> 00:07:48,391
to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
128
00:07:48,392 --> 00:07:51,937
She wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
129
00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:55,135
You don't know how lucky you
are to have a mother like Evelyn.
130
00:07:55,136 --> 00:07:59,770
She is the warmest, most affectionate,
giving woman I have ever known.
131
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:02,166
That's my mom.
132
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Call her Evelyn. That's the game.
133
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You play your game, I'll play mine.
134
00:08:09,008 --> 00:08:13,411
-Here we are.
-There's my little karaoke cupcake.
135
00:08:13,515 --> 00:08:16,711
Tommy, you are not telling that story.
136
00:08:16,712 --> 00:08:19,044
We took one of
those little cruises to Alaska.
137
00:08:19,045 --> 00:08:21,953
Glaciers and whales, I didn't quite
see the point of it all.
138
00:08:21,954 --> 00:08:24,926
But during the evening there
was this karaoke competition.
139
00:08:24,927 --> 00:08:27,547
And as you know,
I'm no stranger to the stage.
140
00:08:27,547 --> 00:08:29,624
Yes Mom, I know.
141
00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:31,510
Excuse me.
142
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,610
Anyway, you know how l
have always sung
143
00:08:34,611 --> 00:08:38,063
These Boots Are Made for Walking,
with my little dance routine.
144
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:41,608
Yes, Mom. I have it on my wedding video.
145
00:08:41,867 --> 00:08:44,807
-So, how've you been?
-You know...
146
00:08:44,808 --> 00:08:46,213
No, I don't know, Charlie.
147
00:08:46,214 --> 00:08:50,113
When people don't return your calls, it's
kind of hard to know how they have been.
148
00:08:50,114 --> 00:08:52,191
Look, I know this
is an awkward coincidence.
149
00:08:52,192 --> 00:08:53,469
It's no coincidence.
150
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:58,423
When my father told me who he
was dating, I made a point of being here.
151
00:08:58,424 --> 00:09:00,597
You can't argue the awkward part, right?
152
00:09:00,598 --> 00:09:04,752
So, I am zipping up my boots,
and I am about to go onstage
153
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:10,953
when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas,
gets up and starts singing my song.
154
00:09:10,954 --> 00:09:13,446
I think you can imagine
how unhappy I was.
155
00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:15,428
Don't tell me to calm down.
You lied to me.
156
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:18,656
I did not lie to you. And you could
have told me this on the phone.
157
00:09:18,657 --> 00:09:21,086
-You never answer your phone.
-Of course not.
158
00:09:21,086 --> 00:09:24,181
Who wants to have this conversation?
159
00:09:24,699 --> 00:09:29,582
So, I sidled up to the woman and
160
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:34,639
really very smoothly turned
it in to a duet,
161
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,707
when suddenly she starts pushing me.
162
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:40,584
-You said I was very special to you.
-You were.
163
00:09:40,585 --> 00:09:46,696
-Yeah, me and three other women.
-I said you were special, not unique.
164
00:09:47,457 --> 00:09:49,852
Drop dead, you bastard.
165
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:53,815
Excuse me!
166
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,363
In my defense...
167
00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:08,263
Screw it!
168
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,395
Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back?
169
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,848
Stupid musician's league.
170
00:10:23,032 --> 00:10:28,689
I don't know why I bother. Get this.
Tie score, we are down to our last out.
171
00:10:28,690 --> 00:10:31,086
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.
172
00:10:31,087 --> 00:10:34,507
The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky.
173
00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:38,470
His whole family is standing behind
the backstop, crying and pleading,
174
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,967
"Go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you! "
175
00:10:42,914 --> 00:10:45,309
Needless to say, he choked.
176
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,858
Charlie, I think we have got
a bigger problem.
177
00:10:48,859 --> 00:10:53,301
-Our mother is missing.
-Don't try to cheer me up.
178
00:10:53,302 --> 00:10:56,849
I am serious. I called her home, her car,
her cell, nothing.
179
00:10:56,850 --> 00:10:59,693
Did you check with the captain
of the flying monkeys?
180
00:10:59,694 --> 00:11:00,781
Charlie!
181
00:11:00,782 --> 00:11:04,488
She's probably just sulking because l
screwed up her dinner party last week.
182
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:08,739
That's what I thought, too. Except I called
her office and they haven't heard from her.
183
00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:09,922
-Okay. That's weird.
-Yeah.
184
00:11:09,923 --> 00:11:13,086
I think somebody needs to go over there
and make sure she's okay.
185
00:11:13,087 --> 00:11:17,274
Good idea. You do that
and I'll stay here in case she calls.
186
00:11:17,275 --> 00:11:19,767
Why don't you go
and I will stay here in case she calls?
187
00:11:19,768 --> 00:11:21,877
No, I got to be honest,
I like my idea better.
188
00:11:21,878 --> 00:11:24,273
-I'm not going there alone.
-I'm not going at all.
189
00:11:24,274 --> 00:11:27,662
What do you want to bet she ran off
to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy?
190
00:11:27,663 --> 00:11:29,260
If that's all this is, great.
191
00:11:29,261 --> 00:11:32,552
The only down side would be
that you slept with our stepsister.
192
00:11:32,553 --> 00:11:34,661
Hadn't thought of that. Kinda sexy.
193
00:11:34,662 --> 00:11:37,057
-Kinda sick.
-I'm saying.
194
00:11:38,402 --> 00:11:40,128
Look, there is no one here. Let's go.
195
00:11:40,128 --> 00:11:42,523
No. I want to take a look.
196
00:11:43,005 --> 00:11:46,243
-You have a key?
-I'm the good son.
197
00:11:50,357 --> 00:11:52,751
Mom?
198
00:11:54,289 --> 00:11:57,096
Okay, she's not here. Let's go.
199
00:12:00,457 --> 00:12:02,910
Okay, she's here. Let's go.
200
00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:04,995
Charlie.
201
00:12:04,996 --> 00:12:08,256
Mom, are you all right? Why
haven't you been answering the phone?
202
00:12:08,257 --> 00:12:12,922
I didn't want to burden anyone with
my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
203
00:12:12,923 --> 00:12:15,318
Tommy died?
204
00:12:17,206 --> 00:12:19,601
He is dead to me.
205
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,366
-Okay, what happened?
-He dumped me.
206
00:12:25,549 --> 00:12:26,827
Mom, I am sorry.
207
00:12:26,828 --> 00:12:30,662
The thing between me and his daughter
happened years before you met the guy.
208
00:12:30,663 --> 00:12:33,475
This has nothing to do with you, Charlie.
209
00:12:33,476 --> 00:12:35,871
God, you're a narcissist.
210
00:12:37,312 --> 00:12:42,379
No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced
45-year-old bimbo.
211
00:12:43,832 --> 00:12:46,292
I am sorry, Mom.
I know he meant a lot to you.
212
00:12:46,293 --> 00:12:47,923
Yeah. I'm sorry, too.
213
00:12:47,924 --> 00:12:50,941
Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie.
214
00:12:52,463 --> 00:12:57,352
Now if you will both please leave,
I'd like to be alone.
215
00:12:57,353 --> 00:12:59,748
We understand.
216
00:13:00,165 --> 00:13:03,521
Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.
217
00:13:03,522 --> 00:13:06,749
Fine. Where do you want to leave her?
218
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,617
Mom, why don't you come back and stay
at Charlie's house for a few days?
219
00:13:10,618 --> 00:13:12,503
-How is that?
-Time out.
220
00:13:12,504 --> 00:13:17,233
Don't worry, Charlie. I have no desire
to impose on your life.
221
00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:20,606
Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.
222
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:25,160
-You sure, Mom?
-Yes. Thank you, Alan.
223
00:13:25,161 --> 00:13:27,556
Okay.
224
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,935
God!
225
00:13:34,719 --> 00:13:37,114
So close.
226
00:13:42,965 --> 00:13:44,786
How long is she going to sit out there?
227
00:13:44,787 --> 00:13:47,631
I don't know.
I've never seen her this depressed.
228
00:13:47,632 --> 00:13:52,649
Somebody's got to go out there
and show her a little love and support.
229
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:55,745
-Jake!
-Yeah.
230
00:13:58,307 --> 00:14:00,960
Why don't you go out
and talk to Grandma?
231
00:14:00,961 --> 00:14:04,156
-Why?
-Because she's a little lonely.
232
00:14:04,157 --> 00:14:08,841
-She's your mom.
-Don't sass me. Go talk to Grandma.
233
00:14:14,513 --> 00:14:18,316
-Hi, Evelyn.
-Please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.
234
00:14:18,317 --> 00:14:23,212
-But what about the game?
-Games are for children, Jake.
235
00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:32,092
Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and
sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
236
00:14:32,093 --> 00:14:35,385
That's nice. But you know, that cool stuff
237
00:14:35,386 --> 00:14:39,891
is stuff that other people lost
and will never get back.
238
00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:44,910
Trinkets and treasures buried
beneath the lonely sands of time.
239
00:14:44,911 --> 00:14:49,793
-Yeah, but finders, keepers, right?
-And losers, weepers.
240
00:14:55,235 --> 00:15:00,571
-He's getting killed out there.
-It's all right, he's not crying yet.
241
00:15:00,572 --> 00:15:03,352
Somebody needs to go out there
and back him up.
242
00:15:03,353 --> 00:15:05,748
$10 says it's not me.
243
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,749
What's going on with you...
244
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:21,275
The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
245
00:15:21,414 --> 00:15:24,527
You were a bed wetter, if I recall.
246
00:15:36,276 --> 00:15:40,527
You know what Jake would
really get a kick out of?
247
00:15:40,528 --> 00:15:44,522
If you could sing
while Charlie played the piano.
248
00:15:44,523 --> 00:15:46,280
No, Alan. I couldn't.
249
00:15:46,281 --> 00:15:52,422
-Besides, Charlie always hated that.
-Are you kidding? It was his idea.
250
00:16:09,582 --> 00:16:12,298
Pick it up, Charlie.
We are walking, not crawling.
251
00:16:12,299 --> 00:16:15,547
"Are you ready, boots? Start walking."
252
00:16:22,784 --> 00:16:25,217
-Okay, now.
-One more time.
253
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:53,947
Mom, you okay?
254
00:16:53,948 --> 00:16:56,376
Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.
255
00:16:56,377 --> 00:16:57,943
No, I'm up.
256
00:16:57,944 --> 00:17:01,181
It's hard to sleep after a big show.
257
00:17:02,514 --> 00:17:04,591
Thank you for that.
258
00:17:04,592 --> 00:17:07,116
Brought back some nice memories.
259
00:17:07,117 --> 00:17:08,811
You still got some chops, Mom.
260
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:11,623
You were rushing
the tempo towards the end there.
261
00:17:11,624 --> 00:17:18,368
Sorry, I always get a little carried away
when you do the James Brown medley.
262
00:17:18,911 --> 00:17:21,306
Charlie.
263
00:17:21,852 --> 00:17:25,144
Your mother's a real sad case, isn't she?
264
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:28,689
You'll get over him. There's other guys.
265
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:33,173
He never even called.
Never even said goodbye.
266
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:36,771
Maybe he was scared.
267
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,412
Of what?
268
00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:44,226
I knew there were no promises, no strings.
269
00:17:44,227 --> 00:17:48,586
That doesn't mean there
can't be common courtesy.
270
00:17:52,314 --> 00:17:55,790
To think I mean that little to him?
271
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,042
It will be okay, Mom.
272
00:18:05,099 --> 00:18:07,494
You still got me and Alan.
273
00:18:07,624 --> 00:18:12,826
Charlie, please. I know how difficult things
are between us.
274
00:18:13,729 --> 00:18:16,124
Maybe it's my fault.
275
00:18:16,254 --> 00:18:18,649
It's not all your fault.
276
00:18:19,355 --> 00:18:22,963
I probably haven't been the best son.
277
00:18:27,442 --> 00:18:31,035
I just want you
to know that in my way,
278
00:18:31,054 --> 00:18:33,659
I want you to be happy and...
279
00:18:36,647 --> 00:18:39,042
I love you.
280
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,754
I guess I'll go pack.
281
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,311
-Why?
-I'm going home.
282
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:54,758
-ln the middle of the night?
-Charlie, you just said you loved me.
283
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,787
You could only screw it up from here.
284
00:19:26,191 --> 00:19:28,585
Donkey Kong!
285
00:19:29,164 --> 00:19:31,336
-Danke Schoen.
-Danke Schoen.
286
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:35,162
Danke Schoen. B flat. One, two, three.
23294
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