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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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If you've got bugs
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If you've got ants
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If you've got bugs and flies and
slugs and things that crawl
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We're here!
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-Mom, come see my room!
-I'll be right there, honey!
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-Hey, Uncle Charlie.
-Hi, shorty!
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Hello, Charlie.
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Hi, Judith. What're you doing here?
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If you must know, I'm here to help
Jake set up his room,
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so he feels like nothing's changed.
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Really? You don't think he'll notice
his dad's living here
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and his mom's dating chicks?
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Could you say that a little louder?
Jake might not have heard you.
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Just for the record, I'm not
dating anyone,
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and I threw your brother out 'cause
he was sucking the life out of me.
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Could you say that a little louder?
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Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
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I don't suppose that's a
Rubenesque 19-year-old girl.
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Porky's his pet guinea pig.
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You're bringing vermin into my house?
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Uncle Charlie, check him out!
Isn't he awesome?
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Yeah.
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See those little black things?
That's his poop.
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Awesome.
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I don't want him in the water this
weekend. He might have an ear infection.
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Oh, Mom.
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No, it's okay, pal.
We can go to Disneyland.
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We'll have a great weekend.
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We can play miniature golf, go bowling,
bike riding, whatever you want.
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Alan, relax, you're starting to
sound like a tampon commercial.
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Jake, why don't you go put Porky
in your room?
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Okay.
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Alan, I'm very concerned. He's just a child.
I don't know if he can deal with this.
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Give your son some credit.
He's an incredible kid.
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I was talking about you.
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-That's fair.
-Yeah.
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Charlie? That strange lady
from down the beach is back.
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Yeah, she's here to baby-sit.
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Come again?
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I thought we'd go out and have a drink.
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You want me to leave my son with the
whack job who's been stalking you
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since your one night stand?
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You try and find a
baby-sitter on a Friday night.
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It's okay, Alan.
Charlie and I talked and I understand
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that we're just friends,
and that it is not okay for me
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to sneak into his house
and lick all his silverware.
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As reassuring as that sounds,
we can't go out tonight.
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We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
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We?
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Yeah. I thought that maybe
you'd want to come with us.
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Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one
small rodent in my house.
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Why would I drive fifty miles
to see their kingdom?
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I'll go!
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Maybe some other time, Rose. It turns out
we're not gonna need a babysitter tonight.
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No problem.
I'm gonna take this seat cushion, okay?
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Knock yourself out.
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Why does she want your seat cushion?
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I don't know why she brought it,
I don't know why she's taking it.
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Okay, then, I'll see you later.
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Wait, you're still going out?
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Yeah. Why?
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I thought you wanted us
to spend some time together.
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Here?
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Okay.
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What're you thinking? 10, 15 minutes?
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-Go.
-Thanks.
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Good morning, Uncle Charlie.
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Morning, Porky.
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Did you have sweet dreams?
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Jake, rule number one.
Uncle Charlie does not like
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to start his day with a
squealing creature in his face.
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Sorry. Grandma's here.
She wants you to come down.
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Okay, you're not listening.
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Rule number one...
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This is a list of the top divorce
attorneys in Los Angeles.
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I've made appointments for you
with each of them.
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I don't need to meet any attorneys.
I'm not getting a divorce.
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I'm sure you don't think so.
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The point is, if you consult with all
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the good lawyers, it's a conflict of
interest for them to represent Judith.
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She'll be stuck with some ambulance-
chasing clown from Van Nuys
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who will fold like an origami swan.
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I don't want this to be...
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Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan.
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Thank you?
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Morning.
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Is that all you have to say for yourself?
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You haven't returned any
of my calls this week.
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It's all I can do to not imagine you
lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
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Right back at ya, Mom.
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What did you want to talk about?
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Too late. I'm not speaking to you.
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-All right.
-Would you like to know why?
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No, I trust your judgment.
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Because when your
brother's marriage ended,
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yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah,
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and he chose to move in here, your
coldness towards your mother
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became more than just the behavior
of an ungrateful son.
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It's now an obstacle to my spending
quality time with my beloved grandchild.
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Are you coming to Disneyland with us,
Grandma?
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Darling, Grandma doesn't do Anaheim.
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We'd better hit the road. Try to beat
the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom.
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Let's go, Jake. I'll race you to the car.
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-Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie.
-Bye.
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Wait for me, I'm going!
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Come on, boy. Heel. Stay. Now, stay.
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Who's a good dog? Oh, yeah!
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Hey, Jake, you want to take him?
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Whatever. Come on, leash.
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Get ready for bed.
I'll be right in to tuck you in.
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Happiest place on earth,
my snow white ass.
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I had a good time.
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Oh, really? Which part did you like best?
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The equatorial heat, the endless
lines, or the large German woman that
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threw up on me in the Teacup?
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Maybe things could have gone smoother,
but tomorrow's gonna make up for it.
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Alan, you could get us all laid
tomorrow, it's not gonna make up for it.
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Hey, sleepy head. You're just in time.
Your pancakes are almost ready.
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I'm not hungry.
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Not hungry?
Come on, you've gotta fuel up that engine.
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-We've got a big day planned.
-My ear hurts.
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Oh, no.
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Let me feel. Yeah, you're a little warm.
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Probably another ear infection.
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Okay, new plan.
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We'll get you on the antibiotics,
we'll watch a little TV,
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play some video games.
We'll have a great day.
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I want to go home.
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You are home.
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I know, but the real one, with Mom.
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Okay, I understand that.
You know, when a guy's feeling sick,
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he needs his mom. Right, Charlie?
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Well,
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I may not be the one to ask.
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Okay, I'll, call your mom and,
tell her we're on our way.
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All right, it's just you and me now.
Are you really sick, or are you just
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fakin' it to get out of another
fun-filled afternoon?
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I'm really sick.
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Just checking.
Because I was gonna fake it.
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If your home is bug infested
filled with spiders, flies or gnats
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00:09:05,582 --> 00:09:11,260
All our sprays are safety tested
we kill vermin, not your cats
142
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Hey. How's the jingle coming?
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The lyrics are fine,
the music needs a little work.
144
00:09:20,822 --> 00:09:22,009
How's Jake?
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He'll be okay.
I stayed over at the house a little while.
146
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We watched some movies,
I made us some soup and a couple of
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sandwiches,
and Judith suggested I take mine to go.
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Suggested?
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She started my car and threw my
sandwich in the back seat.
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That's rough.
151
00:09:40,073 --> 00:09:43,442
Listen, I'm afraid I got some more
bad news for you.
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No, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back.
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See, that's the thing.
Nothing's bringing Porky back.
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What? Porky's dead?
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"Buh-dee, buh-dee, buh-dee,
that's all folks! "
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Oh, God.
157
00:10:07,635 --> 00:10:11,779
It's okay.
We can get Jake another guinea pig.
158
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:17,175
Jake will be fine.
This is his fourth Porky in three years.
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He goes through them faster than shoes.
160
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No, this is about my life.
161
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Everything is going to hell.
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Okay, well, don't cry.
We can still be friends.
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What?
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I'm sorry. It's the only thing I know to
say when someone cries around here.
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I am so sorry, Porky.
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You just kept running around
in your little cage,
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trying to make everybody
happy. And what do you get?
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You get dead.
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00:10:55,314 --> 00:10:58,618
You do know the pig can't hear you, right?
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Don't you get it? I am the pig!
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00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:06,832
Okay. I'm just asking, because your
reaction doesn't seem very healthy to me.
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00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,078
And what do you think would be healthy,
Charlie?
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00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:15,329
I don't know. Why don't we toss Porky
in the ocean and go get bombed?
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How could you?
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Okay.
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Toss him in the ocean. Very clever.
177
00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:39,335
Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?
178
00:11:44,983 --> 00:11:47,387
What's happening?
179
00:11:48,255 --> 00:11:50,821
Sunday's Tequila Night at Pavlov's.
180
00:11:50,822 --> 00:11:53,645
Every time the bell rings,
you gotta take a shot.
181
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,506
Why?
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00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,911
'Cause the bell rings.
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00:11:58,683 --> 00:11:59,837
Okay.
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00:11:59,838 --> 00:12:02,242
You gotta bark first.
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00:12:08,148 --> 00:12:09,591
Charlie,
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00:12:09,592 --> 00:12:15,142
when my son looked at me and told me
that he wanted to go "home",
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00:12:15,143 --> 00:12:16,778
that broke my heart.
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00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,094
I saw.
189
00:12:18,095 --> 00:12:21,880
You know, my kid is sick,
and I can't even be with him.
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00:12:21,881 --> 00:12:26,404
You know, I'm a failure, Charlie.
I'm a failure as a father,
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00:12:26,405 --> 00:12:27,847
I'm a failure as a husband.
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00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:32,468
You didn't fail.
First of all, that little boy loves you.
193
00:12:32,469 --> 00:12:35,548
Second of all, just because your wife
decides she doesn't like
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00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:38,308
sleeping with men, doesn't mean
you've failed as a husband.
195
00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:41,386
Although, I wouldn't brag about it.
196
00:12:41,453 --> 00:12:44,115
You're right. This is Judith's fault.
197
00:12:44,116 --> 00:12:47,420
She's the one who breached our
marriage contract asunder.
198
00:12:47,421 --> 00:12:53,248
And I let her make decisions that
should have been in my dominion.
199
00:12:53,549 --> 00:12:57,559
Alan, people are gonna do whatever
they're gonna do in this world.
200
00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:02,214
The only thing a man can control
is his own actions.
201
00:13:10,522 --> 00:13:14,003
I don't remember where we left our car.
202
00:13:14,822 --> 00:13:17,226
This isn't our car?
203
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:19,794
Where to?
204
00:13:19,795 --> 00:13:21,592
Home.
205
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,511
-And that would be?
-Sherman Oaks.
206
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,179
We don't live in Sherman Oaks.
207
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,228
I do. I am a Sherman Oaksian and I am
208
00:13:29,229 --> 00:13:32,508
going home for as to reclaim my home.
209
00:13:33,496 --> 00:13:38,051
That's a very bad idea.
I'll tell you what's a good idea.
210
00:13:38,052 --> 00:13:43,378
Chili cheese fries and a large root
beer. With chili cheese fries.
211
00:13:43,379 --> 00:13:45,783
And girls.
212
00:13:46,169 --> 00:13:50,884
No. I am going home to my wife
213
00:13:50,950 --> 00:13:53,672
to impose my dominion over her.
214
00:13:53,806 --> 00:13:56,431
Yeah. The lesbians love that.
215
00:13:57,849 --> 00:14:00,441
Driver! Sherman Oaks!
216
00:14:02,597 --> 00:14:05,507
1 167, Bonnie Meadow Drive.
217
00:14:05,742 --> 00:14:09,399
Goodbye, Charlie.
I'll be back for my things tomorrow.
218
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,986
Thank you, driver. You've been most kind.
219
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,426
So, back to Malibu?
220
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,888
No. Let's give it a second.
221
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:33,013
Did you know they put
chocolate pudding in tubes now?
222
00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:35,900
No, I did not.
223
00:14:36,961 --> 00:14:40,615
They do. My nephew eats them.
224
00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,333
They're surprisingly good.
225
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,950
You know, that's an interesting
sibling dynamic
226
00:14:50,951 --> 00:14:54,537
you've got goin' with your brother there.
227
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:58,019
You get that I'm loaded, right?
228
00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,980
Drive!
229
00:15:07,314 --> 00:15:10,738
So? How'd it go?
230
00:15:12,576 --> 00:15:16,923
She chased me out of the house
with a golf club.
231
00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:21,205
Taking up golf already.
232
00:15:22,362 --> 00:15:24,126
What was it like, a six iron?
233
00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:25,730
What difference does it make?
234
00:15:25,731 --> 00:15:30,385
I just want to be able to
tell the story accurately.
235
00:15:37,699 --> 00:15:39,398
It's not funny.
236
00:15:39,399 --> 00:15:41,803
Then why are you laughing?
237
00:15:41,902 --> 00:15:45,229
Because I don't know what else to do.
238
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:48,768
I wish I could ask Dad for advice.
239
00:15:48,769 --> 00:15:51,815
You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling?
240
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:55,089
Alan, our father committed suicide
to get away from our mother.
241
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:58,939
What're you talking about? Dad didn't
commit suicide. He died of food poisoning.
242
00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:04,040
I maintain that he knew the fish was
bad, but he kept eating it anyway.
243
00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:07,890
Your mother sounds like
a real piece of work.
244
00:16:07,891 --> 00:16:10,681
You have no idea, my friend.
245
00:16:10,779 --> 00:16:15,816
My mother took my baby brother
and dipped him in sissy sauce
246
00:16:15,817 --> 00:16:19,088
and turned him into the people-pleasing
control freak you see today.
247
00:16:19,089 --> 00:16:23,323
That's right!
And she made him so scared of intimacy
248
00:16:23,324 --> 00:16:26,372
that he has just this
endless stream of gorgeous girls
249
00:16:26,372 --> 00:16:28,329
running in and out of his life.
250
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:30,734
Damn her.
251
00:16:32,148 --> 00:16:36,864
You know, many psychologists agree,
until the core maternal relationship
252
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:42,543
is resolved, most men are doomed to
repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
253
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:45,342
Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil.
254
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:49,216
You know what, Charlie? He's not wrong.
255
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,816
At some point, we have to stand up to her.
256
00:16:51,817 --> 00:16:54,222
Look who's got beer muscles
all of a sudden.
257
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:56,436
No, I'm serious. Come on. Right now.
258
00:16:56,437 --> 00:17:00,376
Let's confront her. You with me? Come on!
259
00:17:00,672 --> 00:17:03,076
Oh, my God.
260
00:17:03,175 --> 00:17:06,479
I can't believe it!
You really are afraid of Mom!
261
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,019
I am not.
262
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:10,489
All these years,
I thought you were so cool.
263
00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:12,960
But you're just a big clucking chicken!
264
00:17:12,961 --> 00:17:15,335
Ouch.
265
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,458
Ouch?
266
00:17:16,459 --> 00:17:19,826
Okay, that's it. We have a new destination.
267
00:17:19,827 --> 00:17:21,591
Beverly Hills.
268
00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:23,163
You got an address?
269
00:17:23,164 --> 00:17:28,251
Just go east on Sunset until
you reach the Gates of Hell.
270
00:17:30,159 --> 00:17:32,563
She'll buzz us in.
271
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,050
I can't wait to see her face.
272
00:17:38,051 --> 00:17:40,455
She's gonna freak.
273
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,543
You ready?
274
00:17:42,544 --> 00:17:44,948
Ring the bell.
275
00:17:55,025 --> 00:17:57,174
Who is it?
276
00:17:57,175 --> 00:17:59,484
It's your sons!
277
00:17:59,485 --> 00:18:01,889
Charlie and Alan.
278
00:18:05,966 --> 00:18:08,370
Hi, Mom.
279
00:18:09,432 --> 00:18:12,913
Dear God. Hold on. I'll be right there.
280
00:18:13,186 --> 00:18:16,521
Okay, what exactly are we
gonna say to her?
281
00:18:16,522 --> 00:18:19,523
Now you ask? This was your safari.
282
00:18:19,763 --> 00:18:23,131
We're here to resolve the core
maternal thing.
283
00:18:23,132 --> 00:18:25,748
Wait, I'll go ask the cabbie.
284
00:18:27,014 --> 00:18:29,418
Nice try.
285
00:18:33,656 --> 00:18:36,060
Somebody better be dead.
286
00:18:37,025 --> 00:18:39,429
Porky's dead.
287
00:18:41,357 --> 00:18:44,724
And you completely screwed up our lives.
288
00:18:44,725 --> 00:18:45,783
I'm sorry?
289
00:18:45,784 --> 00:18:49,441
-That's good enough for me.
-Yeah, I'm good.
290
00:18:49,442 --> 00:18:51,846
Driver, drive!
291
00:18:59,196 --> 00:19:01,600
Good morning, sunshine.
292
00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:07,114
God. Close the drapes.
293
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:14,403
Hey, what's this?
"Release and indemnification form."
294
00:19:15,111 --> 00:19:16,585
What?
295
00:19:16,586 --> 00:19:19,890
Were you on some kind of
television show last night?
296
00:19:19,891 --> 00:19:21,078
I don't think so.
297
00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:23,420
You and your brother signed it.
298
00:19:23,421 --> 00:19:25,825
Let me see that.
299
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,964
Alan.
300
00:19:30,448 --> 00:19:32,852
Alan, wake up.
301
00:19:36,415 --> 00:19:38,819
We got a problem.
302
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:44,050
"Taxicab Confessions?"
303
00:19:46,330 --> 00:19:48,639
Ifyou've got bugs
304
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,044
Ifyou've got ants
305
00:19:51,689 --> 00:19:57,054
If you've got bugs and flies and
slugs and things that crawl
306
00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,643
Ain't that Beethoven?
307
00:20:01,859 --> 00:20:06,687
I don 't even know how my wife
is gonna be a lesbian.
308
00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,238
She hates oral sex.
309
00:20:09,239 --> 00:20:11,643
Hates it!
23730
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