Original subtitles

Well now! Hi again, everybody!

Time to play that great radio...

Hiya, boys and girls!

How are you today?

It's me. I'm Koko the Clown!

And we're ready for a really big show today! Right?

And I hope you're feelin' real happy,

and if you're not feelin' happy, and you're feelin' a little bit blue...

I have a song just for you!

So, sing along with me, boys and girls!

Let's go!

♪ Sing a little melody, and sing it every day ♪

♪ A simple little melody, that makes you feel okay ♪

♪ Keep the blues away from you, and sing a song or two ♪

♪ Sing a little melody, to keep from feelin' blue. ♪

♪ A real good day! ♪ Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, boys and girls,

I hope you enjoyed singin' that song as much as I did!

And after a workout like that, Koko feels real tired.

Whew! And you know what I need for quick energy, don't you boys and girls?

That's right! I need my milk!

Oh, boys and girls, if you're ever real tired

and you need quick energy too,

you oughta drink all your milk too

'cause that's very important... Boys and girls, do you hear something?

[Indistinct Chattering]

Oooh! It's the magic monkey!

Hiya, magic monkey!

Oh? You know what the magic monkey says, boys and girls?

It's make-believe time!

That's right! And you know what that means...

All of the big people in the room have to leave.

That's right, they can't take part in make-believe time...

only the little people!

So, if you're over 10 years old we want you to leave the room

so that the little people can take part in make-believe time.

Now, we're gonna play the music for make-believe time

and by the time that music is over

I only want the little people in the room, all right?

Okay. Play the music, Mr. Musicman.

There it is now! Okay, are all the big people leaving the room?

Oh, there goes David's parents... goodbye!

Oh, there goes Marylou's parents... okay, bye!

Okay, that's the end of the music.

Are all the little people here for make-believe time?

All of the big people are out of the room?

Okay...

Okay.

Now, I have a... request here from...

Vickie Ulanet, of... Fort Wayne.

She asks for page 47 of Fannie Hill by John Cleland.

"I laid down then upon the couch, and Charles finished undressing himself,

"...revealing to my eyes that column of delight

"...whose impatient gestures signaled the prelude to love's ecstatic union.

"Urged on by consuming passion, we were quickly joined in soft embrace,

"...his hands exploring the fiery moist territory whence derived my intoxicating pleasures.

"Most readily I obeyed my love's soft-spoken command

"...to alter my recumbent position that he might gain swift entrance.

"But how can I describe the overwhelming bliss which swept through me

"...as the delicious velvet tip divided the gates of pleasure

"...and the ivory shaft insinuated itself to it's furthest penetration,

"...only to withdraw and plunge, again and again.

"Thoroughly inundated by the tides of pleasure which flowed forth from these violent actions,

"...I yielded up the last vestiges of resistance

"...giving myself entirely to the rapturous rhythm

"...which carried us all too quickly over love's crest,

"...and left us exhausted and joyous upon the shore."

Well... that was an excellent request, Vickie,

hope you enjoyed it.

Now we have another request here, from Kippy Pratt

of Springfield, and he asks for

page 43 of Philosophy in the Bedroom, by Marquis de Sade.

Oh, uh... I see we're running a little late, and I, uh...

I'll get to this tomorrow, but I do wanna make a special announcement.

Uh... uh, it seems a boy from Newton

let his parents stay in the room during make-believe time,

or at least it was his mother, because she called the station,

and it's a good thing the management doesn't watch the show

'cause they thought it was a crank call.

But I'm only mentioning this to tell you that

really, it's very important that you make sure

the big people leave the room during make-believe time,

because, if you don't do that

the management will catch on to what we're doing, and uh...

we'll have to go off the air and I won't be able to take your requests and so on...

so really, please, it's very important

make sure the big people, uh, leave the room during make-believe time, okay?

Now, as I said, we'll get to this tomorrow when we'll have more time,

we'll get to the end of the show now, you can call the big people back in the room.

Jerry, you wanna hit the music?

Well, boys and girls! It looks like that's the end of our show!

Hope you enjoyed it, and I'll see you again tomorrow!

And don't forget, boys and girls, to brush your teeth.

That's very important!

Bye-bye, boys and girls! Bye!

Now, for the first time...

toothpaste and mouthwash together,

in Mouth Appeal.

The first mouthwash-toothpaste that also removes

superficial tobacco and food stains,

to make your teeth look whiter,

plus mouthwash for fresher breath.

If you want to get closer,

kissably closer,

get Mouth Appeal!

The toothpaste that gets you closer!

♪ Now Babs meets Roy at the beach one day ♪

♪ He thinks her swimsuit's a-ok ♪

♪ Roy has matching clothes of his own ♪

♪ And they kiss goodnight when he takes Babs home ♪

♪ Babs and Roy get wed in May ♪

♪ And they get their own home right away ♪

♪ Babs gets a vacuum and a washing machine ♪

♪ And dishes and clothes and a house to clean ♪

♪ Roy's new secretary sparks romance ♪

♪ In a see-through blouse and red hot pants ♪

♪ But Babs' irate about his date ♪

♪ And they speedily, legally separate ♪

♪ Babs' psychiatrist eventually evokes ♪

♪ That her mother bought her fancy clothes ♪

♪ But never held her close ♪

♪ Roy tells Jim that the marriage was a failure ♪

♪ 'Cause neither he nor Babs has any genitalia! ♪

♪ Now, Babs and Roy are made by B and B ♪

♪ Accessories and dolls sold separately ♪

Welcome to the Kramp TV Kitchen.

Tonight we are featuring a festive holiday dish,

which is a traditional favorite in Newark,

and sure to delight your entire family,

Fourth of July Heritage Loaf.

Begin by coating the inside of a large, shallow casserole dish

with Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening,

and place in your refrigerator to cool.

While the first casserole dish is cooling,

take a similar casserole dish, coat it with Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening,

and place it in an oven which has been preheated to 350 degrees.

Next, peel and core a large Rome apple.

Insert the peel into the hollow center

and coat the entire apple with Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening.

Now, roll the apple in a half-and-half mixture

of sifted flour and bread crumbs, and set aside.

Spread a half-cup of leftover mashed potatoes

on the palm of your right hand.

Place an onion in the center and clench your hand into a fist

while moving your fingers from side to side

to coat the onion evenly.

Dip your hand in a bowl of ice water

and open it quickly so that the onion floats to the top.

Now, bring out the casserole that was cooling in the refrigerator

and into it, drain off the water.

Set the onion aside.

Return the casserole to the refrigerator to cool.

Take the apple which we cored earlier,

and cut it in half.

Remove the apple peel from the core,

and fasten it with toothpicks around the outside of the apple.

Cover with Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening

and set aside.

Pit a half-dozen black olives,

and a half-dozen bing cherries.

Insert the olive pits into the pitted cherries.

Then, insert the cherries, into which we have just inserted the olive pits,

into the pitted olives.

Remove the cool casserole from the refrigerator,

and into it place the stuffed olives.

Return the casserole to the refrigerator, once again, to cool.

Take the apple we prepared earlier,

and discard the peel.

Place the apple in the casserole which is now in the refrigerator.

Next, bring out the casserole which was originally in the oven,

and is now in the oven,

and place it on the table.

Coat your hands with Kramp Easy Lube brand vegetable shortening

and knead the contents of each, at the same time.

Pour equal amounts of each casserole into two 8-inch bread pans

and let stand overnight.

And now, here is our finished Fourth of July Heritage Loaf

which we prepared last night in our Kramp TV Kitchen

and is now ready for the table.

Spread a layer of Kramp Dairy Foam Whipped Cream Substitute between the loaves.

For a special Fourth of July holiday treat,

decorate with a miniature version of Old Glory.

You'll smile with pride, as your family enjoys

Kramp's Fourth of July Heritage Loaf.

My wife's incredible.

She took care of the baby all day,

cooked a great dinner, and even went to a school meeting,

and, look at her. She looks better than any of her friends.

She takes care of herself,

gets her rest, does her sit-ups, watches her diet,

and to make sure she gets enough iron and vitamins,

she takes Geritan every morning. Makes me take it, too.

More than twice the iron of ordinary supplements, plus seven vitamins...

Take care of yourself, take Geritan.

My wife... I think I'll keep her.

Good evening! Our topic for tonight's discussion is the free world economy.

Where is it going?

The guests on our panel are:

Dr. James Pendleton, chairman of the Atlantic Monetary Foundation;

Henry Gladstone, professor of Economics at Frick University;

Stuart Felton, editor of the World Banking Quarterly;

and Dr. Robert Chambers, president of the Norstad Council for Economic Development.

My first question, and perhaps we can hear from Dr. Chambers on this, is:

Where does the free world economy stand at this time?

Of course, this is always a difficult thing to ascertain,

but I think it would be somewhat accurate to say

that the current situation is in transition.

Um, the gold and silver markets, although these are rarely indicative of the long-range picture

show an energetic movement causing no small amount of speculation, actually.

Readjustment seems to be geared to the combined influences now

of the gross products of industrial markets

and the ever-shifting labor picture...

I- I would definitely agree with you on that, doctor, but one must add

that the world trade market is oft-times a very helpful indicator of the 30-day trend-

No.

And one can see in this case a perceptible movement toward a new overall level-

Ah, forgive me for interrupting you, but, uh...

I think... I think we're missing a very important point here.

Uh, er... I'll take the ham and cheese...

The, um, the Atlantic Treaty Council, as I think we're all aware,

uh, yesterday issued a report... - This is delightful.

Stating that the central European nations have shown a combined rise of copper-standard

of less than about one-half of one percent. Well...

that's something we can really get our teeth into.

- I want some of that... - Let me take that...

- Well, I think... - If you'll gimme...

- Oh, oh! That was the one I wanted... - No thank you, this is fine...

- Don't want to make a pig of myself. - I can't...

can't understand why this is so dry.

for jet service for Pittsburgh...

will depart from Gate 12.

- Ha ha ha! - Yeah... we did it!

We actually did it!

Wait, wait...

Whoa...

whoa...

whoa...

whoa! - Ha ha ha!!

Did you see the way that stewardess looked at me, man?

That's right! That's right! And you know why?

And you had that cigar...

Man, we did it! I can't get over it!

Did you see the way those fuckin' people were lookin' at us when we got off that plane, man?

I can't believe it!

You were terrific! I was terrific!

It's really hot in here, man, but I'll tell you...

I was scared, Boss, but I would do it again, man.

You know that? I walked by a cop in the airport,

he didn't even look at me, man! It was amazing!

We really pulled it off, man!

Ingenious! You are a genius!

I tell you, man, it was terrific!

We should get a camera and take pictures of ourselves,

and have 'em blown up like posters!

We need that proof, man. Nobody would believe this if we told 'em about it.

We gotta get pictures of this, right?

Get out that camera, man.

♪ Dealers... ♪

♪ ...in a lonely city. ♪

♪ You work all day, you work all day, ♪

♪ you work all day, you work all day! ♪

We are gonna make a lot of money on this stuff, Rodriguez.

I hope so!

This is our chance to get out of the city, get that farm in Woodstock,

chickens, horses, organic garden...

- Huh? - Watch the sun come up...

Hello, Jerry? Hi, baby, this is Boss.

Yeah! I got some beautiful shit for you, baby!

Gold, with a hint of red!

Two tokes, and you're wasted! That's right!

I can get 50 for it, but you're my friend, man, I'll give it to you for 40.

Okay!

All right... okay...

Right, we'll be right over. Right, okay.

♪ Dealers... ♪

♪ ...in a lonely city. ♪

♪ You work all day, you work all day, ♪

♪ you work all day, you work all day! ♪

Oh. Hi Boss! Come in, come in.

Boss, I wish you'd give me your number.

I mean, I've been busy as hell these last few days,

and I just can't wait around for you to call me.

Right, kemosabe?

Oh, listen Boss, if you ever want to, I mean,

always leave your name with my answering service.

That's what I pay them for, right old bean?

Oh, Boss, by the way, that last stuff was absolutely terrific!

My God! We were out at the Hamptons, you know.

Three days on that goddamn boat with that stuff!

And that stuff was so marvelous

that afterwards we found out we hadn't even left the goddamn dock!

Why, listen, could we have a little taste right now, Boss?

I mean, that last stuff was so goddamn great

I'd just like to get a little buzz on right now!

Yeah, yeah, sure. That'll be fine, man.

Uh, can we use your bathroom first, though?

- Oh, by all means, sure... - And then we'll be right back.

you know where it is, at the top of the stairs.

- Right. We'll try it out... - Right, yes...

Can you believe that? That guy is a cop!

I didn't even give him my right name, I saw it right away, man!

I was so fuckin' scared, the way he was lookin' at you, man!

- Did you see that? - Right!

Did you ever see anything that looked like a cop more than that guy?

No, and that fuckin' guys a narc, it's written all over his goddamn face!

- What d'ya wanna do about it? - I don't know.

All right.

Look, will you get out of here, lady? This is more important than that!

Ditch the shit! Put the shit in the toilet! Hurry up!

- Go see if he's coming, Boss, please? - I'm looking!

- Holy shit, man! - What's the matter?

We gotta wait for it to fill up.

What are we gonna do, man? What if he comes up here?

Sit down on the toilet. Take your bag off, sit down on the toilet.

Sit down on the toilet!

Take off your pants!

- I'll keep an eye out. - See if he's coming. Please, man.

- Please, man! - All right, just stay down.

Ohhhhh....

It's cool.

What's cool?

He hasn't come up! What do you mean, "What's cool?"

Jesus Christ, man! Will you stop yelling? What if he hears us?

- You crazy, man? - Just stay down there.

I am so fuckin' scared! We gotta get outa here, man!

The face of a cop, the eyes of a cop, the cigar of a cop...

Did you see that guys socks?

Next time we deal, there's one person there, man. Only one person.

That's the way we usually do it, right? Please!

- Just stay down there. - I am.

Okay, it's still cool.

Let me check it out, lemme see where it is.

Hasn't filled... hasn't... Get back. It hasn't filled up yet.

Just stay down.

Okay.

- Is it still makin' that noise? - Let's try it. Come on.

There it goes!

We gotta get outa here, Boss! We gotta get out of here, man!

- Come on, hurry up! - Come on, man. Let's go, please!

There it goes. All right!

If I ever see that guy in the street, if I ever see him anywhere,

I'll break his fuckin' legs.

I've had enough, man. I'm goin' home.

- Aw, we've got one more delivery to make. - That is enough for me.

- What? - We gotta go to your buddy, Jerry's.

After that we're goin' right--

Ha ha ha!

- What's the matter? - Would you believe this?

There's a cop followin' us.

That's not very funny, man. Just take it easy.

- Take it easy? - Just relax, man!

With the shit in the car?

I don't wanna get stopped with the shit in the car, that's why I want you to take it easy!

- I'm gonna slow down. - No, no, man. Don't drive too slow, man. Okay?

- No, that's all right. - Don't drive too slow. Go the speed limit, all right?

Holy Christ! He's still on my tail!

All right, just- just go the speed limit. You know, cops can smell fear, man.

You don't drive too fast, you don't drive too slow...

Holy Christ, man. I'm gonna speed up!

- No, Boss, please! - He's still followin' me!

I don't wanna get stopped with the shit in the car, man!

- Where's the shit? - It's under there...

- Get the shit! - Just leave it there! Leave it there!

- Just get it! Come on! - Leave it there, man! Leave it there!

- What the fuck you gonna do? - Eat it. Eat the shit!

What do you wanna do? Throw it out the window?

Hurry up! Eat it!

He's still following!

Hurry up!

And he's still following us...

Oh fuck! He's got his light on! The light's on!

He's gonna pull us over! Hurry up!

Oh my god!

Holy...

You know, we ate enough shit to kill a fuckin' army?

Let's go.

Yeah, good luck pal.

Jesus Christ!

Jeeesus Christ!

Hey! What are you doing?

Gimme that!

Rodriguez! We've been ripped off!

Rodriguez! We've been ripped off!

- What? What? - A junkie just took 2 keys...

- ...and the suits! - The suits? Did you try to stop him, man?

- Did you try to stop him? - Did I try to stop him??!

- Are you crazy?? - Take it easy, man!

This fuckin' neighborhood, Jesus Christ!

I can't take it, Rodriguez! We get chased by cops. We eat the grass.

We put the grass in toilets. We get ripped off!

Calm down, man. Calm down.

- Take it easy, Boss. - I can't take it...

You're not a baby, you're a dealer! Man, come on, huh?

Calm down, Boss, huh?

We didn't lose everything. We got a lot of shit left. We still have a lot of shit, man. Take it easy.

- I can't take it, Rodriguez. - Take it easy, man. Huh?

It's really been bothering me, Rodriguez. I've really been bothered.

About what, man?

I don't know. Something's been bothering me.

- What's botherin' you, man? - I haven't been able to tell you...

I know what it is, I know what's bothering me.

What is it, man? Tell me all about it, man. What's bothering you?

All this time. That's what's been bothering me all this time.

What, Boss? Tell me.

You know, Rodriguez...

you're really cute.

- Boss... - I think you're cute.

- Thank you, Boss. Thank you. - You're really a cute guy.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's what's been bothering me all this time.

You're bothered over me being cute?

- I don't get it, man. - I love you, Rodriguez.

I love you too, man. You're my buddy!

I really love you... Rodriguez.

I really love you, man. You know, we've been through a lot of tight ones together.

We live together. We deal together.

I really love you too, man.

Maybe we should have something to calm you down, you know what I mean?

Did you ever hear of gay lib, Rodriguez?

- Gay lib? - That's right.

I don't read that kind of shit, Boss. What do you mean, what's gay lib?

It means I love you.

I told you man, I love you too. What's the hangup?

But we never get to be together.

Boss, we're together all the fuckin' time, man. Wh- what are you talkin' about?

I don't get it, man.

What's goin' on?

Let's go to bed, Rodriguez.

Bed? At fuckin' 7:30? What the fuck you wanna go to bed for?

You sure you don't want one of these, man? They're really good.

[Echoing] You sure you don't want one of these, man? They're really good.

[Echoing] You sure you don't want one of these, man? They're really good.

[Echoing] You sure you don't want one of these, man? They're really good.

[Echoing] They're really good... They're really good... They're really good... They're really good...

Sure, you put in eight big hours breakin' your back for a few lousy bucks.

You've earned the right to blow off some steam...

and that's when Butz comes in mighty handy!

♪ Grab on to Butz! ♪

♪ Two-fisted flavor in a gutsy golden brew ♪

We know a lot about hard-workin' Joes like you.

You like to grab onto life, and ram it home!

Like they say, you only get to go around once...

so it, uh, might as well be with a bartender, right?

♪ Grab on to Butz! ♪

♪ For all the gutsy beer enjoyment that you're due ♪

♪ Suck on a Butz ♪

♪ It's got a head that just won't quit until you're through! ♪

We know it's a big, brutal world that builds up a big, brutal thirst!

And that's why we brew Butz, for when you're having more made,

and times like this, when the goin' gets rough

you could use a case of Butz!

♪ It's got a flavor you can savor when your 8th full glass is through... ♪

♪ When you're out of Butz... ♪

♪ You're out of guts! ♪

Direct from our newsroom in New York, it's the Channel One Evening News with Robert Elgin and

Leo Batfish in Suc Muc Dik,

Thurthton Thithtertinton in Bath,

Mikennica Mehkinica in Washington, D.C.

Freddi Fagu in Minneapolis,

and Lionel Elgin in New York.

Good evening. Enemy sappers attacked Allied supply bases in Longh Wang earlier today.

Casualties were reported high in the Gulf of Kakai,

and in nearby Phuc Hu, where enemy helicopters were downed by rock-throwing peasant women.

General Chow, commander of Allied forces in Longh Wang,

divided his troops into two columns and ordered

three units from column A and two units from column B into ground fighting there.

American troops were on hand, and here with a report is Leo Batfish in Suc Muc Dik.

These are the proud and plucky fighting men of the Screaming 103rd Airborne Cavalry,

secretly stationed here in Longh Wang to support and destroy

in this protective over-reaction mission known as Operation Bloodbath.

These battle-hardened, shell-shocked, elite corps has covertly hauled heavy artillery

through rice paddies, cow patties, jungles and swamps

moving under cover of darkness to avoid being accidentally bombed by stray B-52s.

The Screaming 103rd is part of the terminal pacification program

initiated by an unknown stenographer at the Pentagon in 1968.

And so, for these men, war or no war, enemy or no enemy,

this dreadful, dreary, drab, draconian drama drags on.

This is Leo Batfish, in Suc Muc Dik.

The Russian's new space program got off to an inauspicious start today,

apparently due to a gas leak aboard the giant Skratchenitch-3 rocket.

Here, via satellite, is a taped report from Thurthton Thithtertinton in Bath.

The Soviet Union today launched a Skratchenitch-3 rocket with one Russian cosmonaut aboard.

Soon after takeoff, the trouble began.

Director of the mission, Vladimir Gechuroxov, alerted the flight commander, Yuri Vosnoski,

of a dangerous amyl nitrate leak into the rocket's fresh air and cooling system.

Apparently dazed by the noxious chemical, Commander Vosnoski disregarded orders

and, donning his spacesuit, jumped out of the giant spacecraft.

Narrowly escaping doom with the aid of his British-built, jet-propelled rocket pack,

The berserk Russian spaceman, apparently enraged by the

technical malfunctions plaguing the Soviet space program

launched a one-man assault on the mission control headquarters.

In a typically Russian display of pique, Vosnoski fought for several minutes

with scientists involved in the ill-fated launching.

Alexi Rudnockni, an authority on solar wind, and former Olympic discus thrower,

finally overcame cosmonaut Vosnoski by driving him into the atomic pile.

His present condition is unknown.

Meanwhile, the abandoned rocket, on a collision course for St. Peter's Basilica in Rome,

was detonated. This is Thurthton Thithtertinton in Bath.

In how many ways can one make the world...

a little bit better? At Uranus, we're just beginning to find out.

The President went to the airwaves this evening, in a televised address to the nation.

Commenting upon the spirit of dissent abroad in the land

the President reaffirmed his confidence in the basic strength of the American people.

I'm in the driver's seat. I run the show. I'm the fuckin' president.

Earlier in the day, the President welcomed the Prime Minister of India, Mrs. Mahetma Yenta.

Mikennica Mehkinica reports from the nation's capital.

After a day spent in consultation with the Prime Minister and her aides,

the President took the demure world leader on an informal tour of the White House Rose Garden.

Later, they spoke to reporters.

I would like to thank the marvelous people of the United States

for the great reception they showed me here,

and, of course, the hospitality of your great president.

- Thank you. - Thank you, isn't she terrific!

I mean, this woman is the head of a country, with thousands of starving people,

and she herself, as you can see, look at this! She's not starving!

This takes imagination! This takes coura--

And that... is it! That's it! That's it.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. President.

- Thank you, Mr. President. - Thank you! You're wonderful, you know that?

You're really something! I'm really gonna take you-- You're really gonna like America!

America's gonna be your favorite country! I'll see to that!

The assassination attempt in the Rose Garden was

the 23rd such incident since the President took office,

and the 2nd in the last five days.

Five years ago, a team of scientists

working at Uranus discovered a unique polyester.

It had the rare combination of properties,

which would make it suitable for reaming, sheeting, molding, and cutting.

It could be used as insulation, lubricant, construction material, and fuel.

Among other characteristics, it had the strength of steel, the flexibility of rubber,

and the nutritional value of beef stew.

This revolutionary substance, developed at Uranus, is Brown-25.

The variety of products which can be made from this incredible new material is unlimited.

From a suspension bridge to a child's plaything,

Brown-25 does the job, and does it for less.

Brown-25. Another fine product from...

Uranus.

At Uranus, things come out a little differently.

Every night this week, the Channel One Evening News is featuring

a special report on the urban crisis.

Here with another aspect of the problem, is Peabody Award-winner Lionel Elgin.

I am standing in a run-down hotel room, somewhere in New York's Times Square,

where I am about to experience first-hand the degradation to the soul and spirit

which is New York prostitution.

I have just given this woman $20, and now I am a "trick," as they would say around here.

How much of that $20 do you get to keep?

Every damn penny, slick. And you gonna give me more!

You didn't say nothin' about that cameraman. I'm gonna give him a quick lick and make it stick!

He's kinda cute. You ain't so bad lookin', Lionel.

Bet you got a dick in there as big as that microphone.

Get down here, stud. I'm gonna put some lightning and thunder asunder, yeah!

Oooh, you're nice and white and that's all right! Yeah!

- Is there someone behind you? - I live in the last house...

- Pardon me? - Pardon you?

Ain't nobody behind me but my sweet hot chocolate buns!

I bet you'd like to butter them buns, huh faggot?

This is a nice expensive shirt, but they put some cheap damn buttons on it, I'll tell you that right now.

You know, we gonna fuss and fight, and it's gonna be all right!

Let's get all this off here, baby.

- Young, old, rich, poor. - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah.

- These are the people who pass through this... - Yeah! Whoa! Let's see what we can see!

- ... forgotten chamber buried in the heart of... - Do what we can do!

- ... still another decaying urban neighborhood. - 'Cause I'm gonna do it to you! Yeah!

This is Lionel Elgin, in New York.

Lionel? That sound like a train! I'm gonna do a non-stop on you, choo-choo!

And that's the way it is, was, and will be.

And this is Robert Elgin for Channel One News,

hoping that your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

No matter what the news may be, this time or any time,

until next time, have a good time, all the time.

♪ Take me to the mountains, Take me to the sea, ♪

♪ Take me where the wind's blowing wild, ♪

♪ Show me a land in the clear morning light, ♪

♪ Let me see with the eyes of a child. ♪

The Mayopak River.

Thirty years ago, children played on it's banks.

Striped bass, salmon, and more than thirty other species of fish

streaked through its crystal waters.

But today, the Mayopak is a river of another kind.

The Uranus Corporation, with its main processing plants located on the banks of the great Mayopak,

understands its responsibility in this great waste of our land's natural beauty and resources.

We are doing something about it.

Three years ago, the Uranus Corporation hired thirty men

highly respected in their fields, and one million dollars later,

they came up with this new advertising campaign.

Spanning the globe to bring you the human drama of athletic competition,

this is Channel One's Wild World of Sports.

This is Bob Van Horn back in sunny Tijuana, Mexico

live via early-bird satellite for the final event of the day

in the 34th annual International Sex Games.

You are now looking at the West German team, Kurt Stem, Kristina Bush.

They will be performing the final and most important event in the competition,

the freestyle for which they will have selected their own music, of course,

and in which they must gather another 19 points in order to retain their current world championship

against what turned out to be an aggressive challenge from the Canadians.

- Right, Manuel Rodriguez? - That's right, Bob. In fact,

I've not seen such fierce competition since the 1958 games

in which I had the pleasure to compete against the very impressive Austrian team.

Oh, yes. I remember that very well, and didn't you have a sprained ligament throughout the competition?

- Yes, that's true. - It was truly magnificent.

Now, what should we expect from the West Germans in this final round?

Well, this team, of course, has been practicing six hours a day for over a year and a half,

their music is carefully chosen for it's appropriateness to each stage of the action,

Kurt Stem, who as you can see, is built like a champion,

is an exciting competitor, a marvelous technician, graceful, has good contact,

he's inventive, he has achieved a wide reputation, even though he's only 24 years old.

Kristina Bush is noted for her coordination, her timing, expression, she's a stickler for detail,

and, incidentally, a favorite of the judges.

So it should be a very exciting session here, in this competition, right Manuel?

I should certainly say so, very exciting indeed, I am looking forward to it very much.

And now the judges have indicated that the competition is about to begin...

the spectators are now waiting, in this tense atmosphere,

uh, for the championship to get underway.

And now the music has begun, and we begin with a classical frontal embrace,

which is favored by most European teams,

uh, has excellent foundation for subsequent development.

Notice the beautiful vining of the arms, the relative position of the thighs, the angle of the feet,

this is a very subtle exposition.

Now, Kurt Stem is bringing his left hand into play.

Stem, of course, is the... one of the leading exponents of hand technique.

An example here of economy in movement,

slightly bent, though we're in the early stages, but... very smooth.

Oh, now we see a sweep, a false pass, a curl and... a probe!

- A beautiful combination! Beautiful. - A beautiful probe! Let's have an instant replay...

of that so we can look at it again.

We have the sweep... the sweep, the curl, and a lovely... it's, he's going to...

this is the curl, and a lovely probe. A lovely probe!

Beautiful move on Stem's part here.

Now we're back to live action.

Kristina Bush is now rotating into a more open position, as you can see.

Stem is continuing to probe with that left hand.

Now the probing is deeper, much more profound. It's very decisive.

Now it's open-handed, and the tempo is really picking up here.

Now Stem continuing with heavy probing, assumes a half-articulated crouch

and is now moving into selective tonguing of the breasts.

He moves to the left, to the right, and now down, in a vertical drop, to the center torso.

Yes, Bob, now Kristina is really coming into play for the first time.

Notice the winged arms, the beauty of her expression

in response to the music and Stem's fluted tongue work.

Manuel, I believe Kurt is now clipping with his teeth and lips.

That's right, Bob, and we can now expect Stem's hallmark, the frontal tripod.

A tripod... and now a vertical return with French grazing along Kristina's undulating torso.

Bob, they're doing very well up to this point. A nearly flawless performance.

- And now, we are at insertion. - Yes, we are.

And the West Germans have chosen the Hamilton Insertion...

but there seems to be some slight delay here, Manuel.

Yes, a little unsteady. It may cost them half a point. Not a serious fault.

Okay, insertion is now complete. What fantastic coordination between music and body rhythm,

and look at that closeup, Manuel!

Yes, Bob, this will give our viewers an excellent view of

the depth of penetration the West Germans are noted for.

As you see, the strokes are long, controlled, and very, very even.

And right here I must make mention of the crew and facilities

provided by KTVD here, and for their great work.

Bob, they are now moving into the final sprint. As you can see, this is true championship action.

Yes, it is, and there is a thrust, Manuel! A double thrust,

a rotary combination, a series of short jabs, a lift, a plunge!

Another lift, another plunge! And now, I think... Yes!

- Oh, just fantastic, Manuel! - I have never seen anything like it, Bob.

Now let's wait for the scoring from the judges...

Look at that, Manuel! A nine. Another nine.

Two eights. An eight-five. And a nine!

Bob, this was an example of...

♪ [SCAT SINGING] ♪

♪ I'm looking over ♪

♪ A four-leaf clover ♪

♪ That I overlooked before ♪

♪ One is for sunshine, the other for rain ♪

♪ Third for the roses that bloom in the lane ♪

♪ No use explaining the one remaining ♪

♪ It's somebody I adore ♪

♪ I'm looking over a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ That I overlooked before ♪

♪ I'm looking over ♪

♪ A four-leaf clover ♪

♪ That I overlooked before ♪

♪ One is for sunshine, the other for rain ♪

♪ Third for the roses that bloom in the lane ♪

♪ No use explaining the one remaining ♪

♪ It's somebody I adore ♪

♪ I'm looking over a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ That I overlooked before. ♪

And now, a message from your Department of Health...

Hello! My name is Safety Sam.

And I'm here to spread the word about a health problem of great importance to us all.

Did you know that VD, Venereal Disease, has reached epidemic proportions in our city?

Well, you should know the facts about this public menace

in order to protect yourself and those you love.

Venereal diseases, syphilis and gonorrhea, are diseases

transmitted only through intimate physical contact.

They are both extremely dangerous and, left untreated,

result in blindness, heart trouble, insanity, and death!

Here are some of the early warning signs to watch out for:

If you are a man, and experience a burning sensation or itching when you urinate,

you may have gonorrhea.

If you are a man or a woman, and discover a chancre on your privates,

you may have syphilis.

If spotted in time, a doctor can cure you of a venereal disease infection.

But, once cured, you have no insurance against re-contamination.

For more information, write or call the Department of Health office in your community.

Remember, the war against venereal disease is your war!

Therefore, observe the Golden Rule of good health,

A bird in the hand is better than one in the bush. Thank you.

♪ Just you... Just me... ♪

♪ Let's find a cozy spot, ♪

♪ To cuddle and woo. ♪

♪ Just us... Just we... ♪

♪ I've missed an awful lot, ♪

♪ My trouble is you. ♪

♪ Oh, gee! What are your charms for? ♪

♪ What are my arms for? ♪

♪ Use your imagination! ♪

♪ Just you... Just me... ♪

♪ I'll tie a lover's knot, ♪

♪ 'Round wonderful you. ♪

♪ Oh gee! What are your charms for? ♪

♪ What are my arms for? ♪

♪ Use your imagination! ♪

♪ Just you... Just me... ♪

♪ I'll tie a lover's knot ♪

♪ Tie a lover's knot ♪

♪ Tie a lover's knot ♪

♪ 'Round wonderful you. ♪