Original subtitles

[Evelyn] We've been talking about podcasting,

and I think now is exactly the right time.

I just got used to not expressing my sexuality.

I don't want to hide anymore.

What about me? What if I'm seeing someone?

[scoffs] Don't be ridiculous.

Kym! My memoir-writing teacher.

I know some boys who've launched a finance start-up

and they're looking for space.

[Evelyn] We're subleasing to a tech firm.

That man spanked my arse.

[Opal] Dom hates microtrends. He calls the moral failures.

Dom sounds fun.

[Evelyn] It's over.

He's literally having sex with someone else.

[keyboard taps]

[Kym] I lay beside her, garden between us,

- Verdant and wet. - [Ginny giggles]

A rose in radiant bloom, ever-blooming, overripe.

How's "pungent with life?"

Does it have to be pungent?

I want something strong. Earthy.

- Try some Russian Caravan. - [chuckles] Witty, Evelyn.

But where's the juice?

Try the fridge.

[Kym chuckles] Love it.

An internet writer, I hear.

What about punch and concision.

Like haiku, but sassy.

And why not?

If you're not inventing new forms,

are you even a poet?

[Evelyn] Well, I'm not a poet, Kym.

Try watching the world

through the pores of your skin.

- Now, where were we? - [Ginny giggles]

[upbeat music]

With Spec Points not only do you pay later,

you pay on points that you'll earn in the future.

So you pay with points you don't actually have?

Yet.

Imaginary points?

Speculative points.

- Like last week's rent? - It's coming.

- All currency's speculative. - Hmm. - Yeah.

And time is an illusion, and the self is a construction,

until you have actual bills to pay.

Okay...

Where'd you get those?

- They were a gift. - Ah.

This office space isn't.

If you can invest 60K, we'll give you 10 shares,

10 percent in the company.

That is a steal and you know it, Evelyn.

Oh, now I'm stealing from you.

I respect how uncompromising you are.

And I admire your tenacity.

I do see myself as a sort of a mentor.

11,000?

10?

All I can offer is three months free rent.

Actually, two and a half.

Someone else will give you the money.

I'm giving you time -

the illusion of time.

Thank you, Evelyn.

Can I still have some points?

I'm a businesswoman after all.

I guess you can have...

- One? - Two?

Two? Two.

Fuck it, yeah, two.

MoistWipes have decreased their spending with us

by 30 percent.

And with the podcasting cost and rent,

things aren't looking good.

Can we put anything on credit?

Or points?

There's less conventional options.

I have some former clients, a last-resort payment plan.

I don't know what that means. But... Good?

Anything you can leverage?

Well, I have a house, but it's mostly my ex-husband's.

I really shafted myself in the settlement.

Again, I know some people.

Remind me, where did we find you?

I believe it was Facebook.

Ah.

Your boys are late with the rent.

Well, I gave them a reprieve.

[Evelyn] They gave me two points!

You have got a death wish, don't you?

Sorry, Helen.

I'll try to do better.

Can I go now?

Dismissed.

[men yelling]

- [all cheering] - Yeah!

[Paul] Guys! Stop horsing around!

This is a workplace, not a paddock.

Ev?

Hector and Collins confirmed.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, they want to see us today.

- Today? - They have a 2:35.

Oh, what are we? The opening act

for their three o'clock or something? Yes, yes, of course.

[Evelyn] Oh, it's Dom, Opal's boyfriend.

[Lily] Cool hat.

[Dom] Well, I think you should see my show.

[Penny] Right now, he's got a rash on his balls

and I blame it on climate change.

Sounds like a think piece.

Dom's been loving the site.

Oh. Thanks, Dom.

- Well, we've been enjoying you. - [chuckles] Hmm.

I mean, you've given us a lot to think about.

Mmm, likewise.

It's been a real eye-opener reading 'Eve Life's content.

It's amazing what you've built here, Evelyn.

A real Nietzschean superwoman.

Oh, thanks.

But I'm not really striving for immortality,

and I do eat vegetables.

Dom's about to open a one-man show

at the National Theatre Company.

[Dom] Yeah, you should come, Evelyn.

I'd love that.

Are we covering it, Opal?

How? We don't have a 'What's On Now' page.

Well, we should.

Yeah, what show is it?

"Three Sisters" by Chekhov.

Dom's playing all three of them.

One man, three sisters.

That's transgressive.

No, I adapted it myself.

I think you'll find it especially relevant.

Huh.

"Three Sisters - One Man", that's a good lede.

We don't use ledes in theatre.

- Opal, walk me out? - Yeah.

[Lily] Bye, Dom.

- Delete the skid marks piece. - No!

And I don't even think that's possible.

You deleted the vaginitis post.

Or does female dignity override male?

If you deleted your skid marks from the toilet,

we wouldn't have a piece to begin with.

Just delete the fucking piece.

Ah, God. He's a bit intense, isn't he?

[Paul] Oh yeah, I totally get it.

He has presence.

That's why he's a thespian.

It's the jaw. I call that a Class Three.

My stepfather had one.

No job or humanity

but Mum still stayed with him for 22 years.

[Lily] Guy, I'm so sorry.

You know, a Class Three jaw is really dangerous.

[Evelyn] What about a story on the male jawline?

What? Like jaw size versus willy size?

No, height, jaw, shoulders, penis,

relationship with mother. It's all...

Just cool it.

Why cheapen something like that?

Ugh, Paul, you're such a Class One.

- [Paul] You're HR. - [Penny] And?

[Paul] I'm flagging something that makes me feel unsafe.

What are we going to get?

Anti-dandruff shampoo, depilatory cream?

Oh, yeah, we'll definitely get some skincare.

Depilatory cream's not skincare. It's skin abuse.

Oh. Retinol cream would be good, for fine lines.

Maybe some mousse. Remember hair mousse?

Hmm, you could do with some.

[Peter and Christine laugh]

- Bye, Ben. - Ah, well.

- Hello there. - Hi, Peter, Christine.

Evelyn.

- Hey. - Hi, Paul.

Oh, I've got vertigo. My inner ear infection is back.

Consolation prize?

Oh, no, just some new products to try.

Skincare, haircare? What's in there?

Uh, eye cream. Active ingredient.

- Here, you can have this one. - Thank you.

Hmm, sweet.

Hmm, like Sweet Jane, your number one fan.

I can smell the competitive energy.

- Ah, I think it's the rosehip. - Mm-hmm.

There's room for both of us, enough Korean serum for all.

Sounds expensive though. Elitist?

Isn't it just sunscreen you guys push over there?

What's wrong with sunscreen?

Nothing, nothing, it's just a little bit uninteresting.

Well, if it wasn't for sun cream, I'd be dead.

I think the middle ear infection

has gone to your brain.

Right. We'll leave you guys to it then.

- Good luck. - Bye.

I'll just see these two out.

I'll be right with you, Evelyn, and?

Ah, Mr. Paul Bowen Clark.

Oh. Triple-barrel. Aren't you a greedy one?

If he asks you out, you're going.

You probably saw that 'Eve Life'

has received universal praise

for live blogging a papsmear.

See, we're not afraid to be raw, real,

- get our hands a little bloody. - I love that.

And, just quietly, I absolutely love vagina humour,

which is why I am looking at you and I am thinking...

FreshGina.

What's FreshGina?

[Ben] It's our vaginal rinse and applicator product.

- So, a douche? - Yes.

I mean, what is funnier than a douche, right?

[Evelyn and Ben laugh]

Which is why I think 'Eve's edgy, hands-on approach

would be just perfect.

Well,

very flattered.

Question.

Isn't a douche a little dodgy for a vagina?

Yeah, my mum says they upset the pH balance.

[Ben] Oh, no, the science is still out on that,

and our product is more of a freshening tool

than a deodoriser.

[Paul] Okay. So are you thinking

voice-driven branded content perhaps?

[Ben] And ads, voice-driven ads.

Sounds like a bit of a spend.

We have 50K.

I'm sure our very clever writers

can find a fun, humorous way to write about vaginal odour.

[urgent music]

- [Simon] Oh! - Shit! I'm sorry.

It's just a bit of a bin something. [chuckles]

- Sorry, it's my mother's. - Ah.

I live with my mother.

- Interesting. - [Evelyn] Is it?

Feels like a failure to me.

Failure is interesting to me.

It is, when it's happening to other people.

Do you meditate?

No. Should I?

Meditation is watching yourself fail to meditate.

Well, I'm surprised I'm not enlightened.

[chuckles] You know, making jokes

is another form of watching.

Perhaps you're more enlightened than you think.

[Evelyn chuckles]

[sighs] Sorry. I hate violence.

I just hate cockroaches more.

[stamping]

So, not a Buddhist? [laughs]

No, no, I'm an osteopath.

Whoa, beautiful swing.

Who are you angry at?

The guy that made my bad coffee this morning.

Jon, always.

Peter, Christine, my accountant, Sweet Jane.

Okay, let's start with Sweet Jane.

Oh, people like her. She's witty.

And the more they like her, the more they dislike me.

I just can't stop thinking about him having sex with her.

- Sweet Jane? - The librarian.

Oh, of course. Let's sit.

And it hurts.

You said last week you wanted him to be happy.

Well, I've changed my mind.

And I've thought about what you asked me, and...

I don't have time to be happy, or intimate.

- Not even with yourself? - No.

I'm not tapping anything.

Are you at least journaling?

I'm writing, to myself.

Should I be thinking about sex?

No, you should be having it.

[jaunty music]

- [Lucy] Ev? - Luce,

does pole dancing get you out of your head?

-[Lucy Uh, sort of.

-Great, when's the next class?

[upbeat music]

[Opal] I mean, it's just a kimono, right?

[Jeet] It wasn't just a kimono. She had chopsticks in her hair.

[Paul] Yeah, I concur.

As a person of Scottish heritage,

I find punks in tartan skirts a little bit rude.

Okay, but is it cultural appropriation

or is it just fashion?

Evelyn, what do you think?

Well, what's the argument for cultural appreciation?

[Guy] I think that's the grumpy Gen X position.

[Penny] Ooh.

Isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery?

Not if you're profiting off someone else's culture.

Well, I'm about to start pole dancing.

And though I'm not a stripper,

I also won't be getting paid a cent.

[Paul] We could use the money. [laughs]

[Spec Point boys] Damn!

- [Jeet] Opal, wow. - [Lily] Sorry, Opal,

but are you descended from ancient Greeks?

That's a very strong look for a Tuesday.

This has potential to be a HR situation.

- I like it. - It's Dom's opening night tonight.

Oh, yeah. I was going to borrow something fun from the rack.

Yeah, no and no.

[upbeat music]

[Evelyn groaning]

[Lucy] Loosen your thigh muscles.

- Let the pole take you. - [Evelyn] Okay.

[Lucy] Try a hair whip. I promise it helps.

It's like a...

- Ugh. - [Lucy laughs]

Is the woman in suspenders really here for exercise?

[Lucy] Sometimes a costume gives you

that extra bit of confidence.

Why, 'cause it's a disguise?

She's not hiding behind her suspenders.

I think they just enhance whatever's already there.

I just did the class in my mother's underwear

and that's really enhanced my low self-esteem.

[Lucy laughs] Why are you wearing Ginny's undies?

Because I ran out and they were just there on the rack -

unmissable.

Sometimes dressing up as someone else

helps get you in touch with deeper unexpressed desires.

- Are you doing the dress up thing? - No comment.

I just told you about Ginny's undies.

We're experimenting a bit.

Daniel's always had a thing for Jessica Rabbit.

Dressing up as a stereotype for a horny misogynist?

Well, at least I'm having sex.

I don't even particularly like it.

[Evelyn laughs]

Oh, I'm sure it's really embodied and satisfying for you.

Have you ever thought that your sarcasm

might be a bit of a costume?

No, it's just my personality, or a personality disorder.

Did you feel grounded in your body?

I felt grounded in somebody's body.

- [Lucy] A stripper's? - I wasn't going to say it.

- You girls looking for work? - Oh, no, no. I'm leaving.

[laughs] Oh my God.

[door closing]

Oh, hey, Mum. What are these?

Oh, it's just a work thing.

What are you doing here?

I didn't really want to have Erika's lentil shepherd's pie.

Lentils? That's very librarian.

I told Addy she could come. Don't you know the director?

Oh, it's a one-man "Three Sisters".

It might take a very long time, one sister per hour.

It sounds cool.

- Please? - Okay, I'll text Opal.

Call your dad and tell him you're paleo.

My mother used to leave hers on the bathtub ledge.

I thought it was a bubble blower,

till she caught me.

What does it actually do?

- It's a whore's bath. - You can't say whore.

How would you best describe it?

Well, I don't know.

I'm struggling to come up with a tagline

that's humorous yet misogynistic.

Is it like a liquid pipe cleaner?

Yeah, exactly.

Are you going to wear that?

Oh, yeah. Why not?

It's androgynous, very on-theme.

- That's fine. - What about you, Ev?

Will you wear the usual jacket and your pyjama bottoms?

No, no, I've got this.

[hushed percussion music]

[camera shutter clicks]

A man must work,

toil in the sweat of his brow

for that is the meaning,

and object, of his life,

his happiness.

How fine it is to be a workman who gets up at dawn,

and breaks stones in the street,

or a shepherd,

or an engine-driver on the railway. [grunts]

Why does this have to happen to me?

I got you these. Then spends two hours...

[gasps]

[Dom] She will always be in my heart. Mine, not yours!

[camera shutter clicks]

And if we only knew...

- If we only knew. - [clattering]

[audience applauds]

[Opal] Okay, do not say it was bold

or compliment him on learning his lines.

Can I make a joke about Chekhov's gun?

- No. - Please?

No.

Can I get you a drink?

You've got drool on your mouth.

Uh, sorry. I'm underslept.

But Addy seemed to love it.

I just love that he turned the women

into like, three disembodied voices.

[Evelyn] Hmm.

[Dom] Opal.

- Baby. - [Dom] Hello.

- [Opal] Oh, you were amazing. - Thank you.

Thanks for coming, Evelyn.

Oh. Oh, wow. That was, um, good on you.

It was really...

The lack of sets and costumes, very bold.

She said it better. [laughs]

I just like that you didn't make it all about gender.

You're a smart kid.

"Three Sisters" may follow three women,

but it's about much bigger universal themes

like class, and how the old order is always destroyed

by the shameless barbarism of the new.

Maybe you just had their scarves

wrapped around their necks a bit tight.

Will you review? At least the parts you were awake.

It'd be wonderfully self-aware if you did.

[chuckles] I was just resting my eyes.

What's the matter, Dom?

Well, you were on your Me Machine the whole time

and I botched a line.

No one noticed.

Anyway, she was just live tweeting.

It's a new style of review.

Oh. Well, let's see the phone.

Come on.

Wow, a powerful endorsement.

Well, you can all go home and blog now.

Ah, there he is, man of the hour.

Man of the last three and a half.

Let's go. Come on.

- It was good to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

[Evelyn] I don't like how he was talking to you.

It's condescending.

There's something off about his politics.

Yeah, well, it's probably over, so don't worry.

I shouldn't have let you post about your relationship.

- Hand your phone over. - What, why?

You need to have a detox, just for a day,

for some rest and reflection.

And, Opal,

never fall in love with someone who sees you as a threat.

[upbeat music plays]

[Ginny] I hope you're not smoking in there,

Evelyn Virginia.

No, Mum. I've just lit some incense.

[Liam] I don't really understand

what you're talking about.

Well, basically, it's about borrowing costumes

from other people's cultures.

What, like women wearing pants?

Or when judges dress up like Mozart?

No, Liam. No, not like that.

Should we call the police?

I don't think they can do anything.

[Evelyn] What's going on?

Some explicit photos of Opal

went live on the site last night.

I've removed them, but they were live for several hours.

[Evelyn] Who posted them?

[Guy] It came from Opal's account?

That pig.

Wait, why were they up for several hours, Guy?

I don't know, but they were spicy.

- Where's Opal? - She's not in yet.

Oh, I've got her phone.

She's detoxing.

- Oh, well, maybe she doesn't know yet.

- Do we have to tell her?

They were downloaded several times

so they could be anywhere in the World Wide Web by now.

Yeah, we know how the internet works, Guy.

[Opal] Hola!

Did I miss a meeting?

What?

[Paul] Nothing.

Some, some photos of you

were uploaded to the site last night.

They've been taken down.

[gasps]

Oh God.

Um, was it 'Catwoman'?

[Guy] No.

'Basic Instinct'?

- 'Sister Act'? - 'Sister Act'?

[Opal] Yeah, scarf as a habit and undies.

It wasn't 'Sister Act'.

It was a photo with purple leg warmers

and a very tight, sheer, yellow and blue striped leotard

with a bit of side boob.

Fuck. 'Flashdance'.

- [Evelyn] I'm going to call the police.

- Such a douchebag.

[Guy] Police can't do anything. It's not illegal.

Guy! Weird that this is the most talkative

you've ever been.

That's fair enough.

I shouldn't have, um, posted the skid marks piece.

[Lily] Don't say that.

The asexual threesome, and his eye cream stuff.

Opal? Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm...

Yeah, I'm fine.

I think, do you want to take the rest of the day off?

- Maybe? - Hmm.

[Evelyn] Maybe.

[people chattering]

[tense music]

[Paul] Ev? Ev.

Ben called, he wants an update.

Yeah, I know, I'm trying.

Okay.

[pensive music rising]

[Evelyn] Guys, I've got it. It's women like us, women on the go.

The douche is for women that are too busy

to have the perfect opinion about every micro issue.

They're too busy to have even a proper shower.

You're reclaiming the douchebag?

Why not? They've been appropriating our culture.

I mean, why should douche just be a word for a shitty man?

So, also a shitty woman?

No, the douchey woman isn't shitty.

She's in a rush to climb ladders,

smash ceilings, run the world.

She doesn't have to waste time being perfect.

She's just clean enough.

So the douche is like an accessory

to the girl-boss culture.

Yes! And for anyone who's ever used it as a slur,

I say to them, my culture is not your costume.

Actually, no, that's wrong.

Very wrong.

[Paul] What if I said to you I used the douche...

[chuckles] Let we finish - on my ear canals,

and it cleared out the waterlog and cured my vertigo.

I'd say, "You go, girl!"

[phone chiming]

["Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" by Shania Twain playing]

# Lets' go girls #

# Come on #

# I'm goin' out tonight I'm feelin' alright #

# Gonna let it all hang out #

# The best thing about being a woman #

# Is the prerogative to have a little fun #

# Oh, oh-oh #

# Go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady #

# Men's shirts, short skirts Oh, oh-oh #

# I wanna be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel #

# Man, I feel like a woman #

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