Original subtitles

- I have a news update for you.

The People's Republic of China has just announced

they are severing relations with every country

on this planet, and their ambassador

will be here to talk about it.

And that'll be right after this really important message

from one of our sponsors.

(sirens blaring)

- [Broadcaster] We're inside the GXLA newsroom,

awaiting the arrival of the ambassador from China.

Now word has it that the Chinese have mastered

the art of miniaturization and they've shrunk

all of the Chinese in China to two inches tall.

What will they think of next?

- [Woman On TV] Part of the art of being a woman

is knowing when not to be too much of a lady.

- Name please.

- Ambassador Ah Fong.

- The commercial's on right now,

so why don't you go set up?

- [Producer] 35 seconds to air.

Merv, the Chinese ambassador is here.

Merv?

Merv?

- Oh, oh, good, good.

Thank you.

Fine, now you leave that right there, sir,

and the boys, you can all go in and watch

the show in the control room, huh?

- I stay right here.

- You can't do that, I mean, we have cameras

and booms and lights, you're gonna be in the way.

- I stay right here. I guard or no dice, we go back home.

- No no, no no no.

Lou, Lou?

Lou, guys, can you shoot around the zipperhead?

Okay.

- Five, four, three, two, one, he's on.

- The ambassador to the United Nations

from the People's Republic of China, Ah Fong,

announced at noon today that his country

is severing all relations, diplomatic, commercial

and cultural, with all other nations on Earth.

Without further ado, I have the honor

of presenting Mr. Ah Fong.

(gong banging)

- [Man] What's going on in there?

- Mr. Ah Fong, when you say that China is severing relations

with the rest of the world, is that because China

is mad at something that somebody did?

- Definitely not.

You see, the rest of the world has nothing left to offer us.

Also, were they backwards.

- Aha.

- They would not appreciate some of the things

that we would be willing to share.

- Have you solved all the problems that there are?

- No, not quite.

We are still in the Dark Ages on simple things in life.

Little things like gravity.

- Hm, is there a chance that China will

ever allow a visitor in again?

- Of course, as long as he or she are willing

to sleep in their matchbox and live off

half a pound of rice a year.

- Well, I guess that excludes me.

- Oh boy.

- I wonder, Mr. Ah Fong, could you leave us

today with some words of wisdom?

- Well, I understand that you are happy the way you are.

Enormous, sweaty, backwards kind of people,

but if you're happy that way, you have my blessing.

I would like to leave you, however,

with the key to success of tiny scientists.

The key might be found in one word.

Twins.

- [Producer] Twins?

- Twins.

- [Producer] What's he talking about?

- Remember the words of Confucius.

He's the one that said two heads are better than one.

I love your idiomatic expressions.

In fact, I have a very appropriate expression

for leaving you, and that is, to you the people

of the United States, up your ass with Mobil gas!

(laughing)

- You can't say ass on network television.

Oh, shit, I just did.

- [Producer] Go to Rona.

- Oh, thank you, Merv.

As watchers of my show must know, the most beautiful

of all the beautiful people as far as I'm concerned

are Caleb and Lutetia Swain.

He's worth about 60 million dollars, and she has

absolutely double that amount.

Now, the big news is Lutetia is going to give

birth to twins, yes, that's right, twins,

and of course, you know, breeding will tell.

Now, we do have our cameras right at the hospital

waiting for the big news.

Course you know they have never done

an honest day's work in their life.

They don't know where their money comes from.

I said, well, you don't even know where

your ancestors stole it from.

And I said, now, Caleb, do you know that your grandfather

made a fortune from the nerve gas napalm?

He just looked at me with that inimitable smile

and he said, History was never one of my best subjects.

Oh, and he's so gorge.

I could gobble him up.

You know, I just cannot stand the thought

that a woman as beautiful as her gets woken up

in the arms of someone like that every night.

- (gasps) You're him!

- How's that?

- You're the beautiful people, and you're out here

with me, just like anybody else.

- Well, my wife and I never believed

in putting on the dogs, you know what I mean?

Just because we got money coming out of our ears

doesn't mean we have to act like

we're any better than anybody else.

- Boy, you are democratic.

- I shouldn't even mention it.

- You can imagine what kind of a kid I'm gonna have.

- All babies are beautiful.

- Ever see a baby rhinoceros?

I don't know why they let people as ugly as me reproduce.

I should be circumcised.

- You mean castrated?

- Castrated, right. Yeah, I should be castrated.

When they bring my kid to that window,

I wouldn't look if I were you.

- I'm sure it'll be a beautiful specimen, Mr. Uh?

- Schillfitz.

- Mr. Schillfitz.

(patient coughing)

- [PA] Two bundles coming up.

- Well, we're the last ones. Must be you.

- Could be you.

- Twins? That's a horrible thought.

Oh Jesus, never mind.

(babies crying)

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

(coughing)

(gas passing)

- Caleb?

- Oh, Dr. Frankenstein, is Lutetia okay?

- Oh, she's fine. She's sleeping now.

- Did she deliver already?

- She delivered.

I don't know what happened.

It was a million-to-one chance.

Those are your children.

They're little baby monsters.

- Hallelujah.

Oh, thank you. Thank God they're not mine.

Thank you, God. God bless you, God.

- [PA] Dr. Norris, Dr. Michael Norris.

(Schillfitz laughing)

(baby gurgling)

- Oh no.

No no.

Uh-uh.

No, they're not mine.

There's been a mistake. Those are Mr. Schillfitz's.

He ordered those, not me.

(glass smashing)

- Watch out!

(Caleb screaming)

Caleb!

(Caleb screaming)

(splashing)

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Check out the beautiful people ♪

♪ Looking so slick and fine ♪

♪ I guess we don't fit in ♪

♪ A pair of alien twins ♪

♪ They think we're out of our minds ♪

♪ You're wasting time ♪

- Hey, there he is.

Mr. Swain, what can you tell us about the twins?

Are they a couple of beautiful babies?

Mr. Swain, how about some close-ups?

Our viewers would just love an exclusive interview

with the rich and beautiful father of the beautiful twins.

♪ Puttin' our heads together, two heads are better than one ♪

- Ugliest babies I've ever seen.

♪ Can't judge a book by its cover ♪

♪ Not in this crazy place ♪

♪ How can it be taboo for me to be with you? ♪

♪ Two kids from outer space ♪

♪ It's safe to say, puttin' our heads together ♪

- Sweetie, come to momma.

- Honey, those ugly babies, they're not ours.

We had a beautiful baby. We're the beautiful people now.

(Schillfitz laughing)

♪ Puttin' our heads together because two heads are better ♪

♪ Two heads are better than one ♪

(upbeat music)

- They have all their fingers and toes?

- Yes, they have all their fingers and toes.

- [PA] Dr. Oaken, Dr. Stanley Oaken to therapy please.

(siren blaring in distance)

- And they have two eyes?

- Two eyes.

- No, I mean each one has two eyes,

not two eyes between them?

- Oh no, my dear, they're not cyclops.

- But they might as well be cyclops,

that's what you're saying, isn't it?

- Close enough.

(device beeping)

- [Radio] Lum Fung, Lum Fung, come in.

You dumb son of a birch.

- [PA] Paging Dr. Dolittle.

Paging Dr. Dolittle.

- This is Lum Fung, People's Republic of China

spy number 5,313, calling.

Come in, People's Republic headquarters. Lum Fung over.

- [HQ] Yes, Lum Fung, have you found ugly twins?

- [Lum] Ugly? I found the biggest, ugliest twins in history.

- Now, dear, you mustn't blame yourself.

The whole natural order is going askew,

with the Mainland Chinese two inches high

and gasoline up to $28 a pint.

And as your old family doctor,

I must do what is best for you and Caleb.

I want you to go home as though nothing has happened.

The twins will stay here, where we have

the finest life support systems,

apart from the Chinese, of course.

We'll keep them alive as long as we possibly can,

maybe weeks, maybe months.

But that should be our ordeal, not yours.

You and Caleb owe it to the world

to go on being beautiful.

And rich, and cheerful.

- Yes, you're probably right.

You're always right.

But I, I, I want them to leave the hospital.

I want them in a place where they notice something.

I just them to want them to feel

that they're at the center of things and they're at home.

- My dear, you need say no more. It shall be done.

(upbeat music)

- [Frankenstein] There you are.

- Are you the boss?

- Yes.

- I want job.

- You're a cook? Well, we do need a cook.

But I have to ask you, are you a communist?

- No, I'm innocent bull chef.

Lum Fung crazy about free enterprise.

- Your face looks very familiar to me.

- We all look alike. All got same damn face.

(cuckoo clock tweeting)

- Well you'd have to cook for a staff

of 30 people and two children.

- Ah.

- Do you like children?

- Bet your ass.

- Welcome then, thank you.

(soft dramatic music)

(light music)

- I'm Sylvester.

- Sylvester? - The butler.

- You remember, you advertised in the Morticians' Weekly?

Don't worry, sir. You can put the children in my hands.

I'll treat them just as I would my own (laughs).

Now, sir, I will go and familiarize myself

with my private quarters.

(light music)

- Just a moment. What on Earth?

- My name is Quentin.

I'm a handyman.

- Oh, how do you do?

- [Reporter] With the economy going cuckoo

and the price of gasoline rising rapidly,

economists are predicting the possibility

of prices hitting $10,000 a gallon.

In light of that possibility, the government has found

a way of converting ordinary chicken manure into fuel.

The chicken manure converter may in turn

affect the price of an average order of bacon and eggs.

How about egg fu young?

Elsewhere in the news, a chicken sub spill

off the coast of Santa Barbara has brought thousands

of garbage-eating seals to the area.

Santa Barbara Mayor Theodore B. Cleaver is quoted as saying,

"What in the world's going on here?

"Why did all this junk have to fall in my ocean?"

(soft music)

(tires squealing)

- [Attendant] Just come with me, sir.

(light music)

- Darling, Dr. Frankenstein is here.

- I'm not sick. It's my life that's sick.

- Here comes the faithful old family doctor once again.

My dear Lutetia, I dropped everything the moment I heard

that may favorite little baby girl was sick.

Roll over.

- I'm not a baby anymore.

- My dear, I delivered you. You'll always be a baby to me.

- That's not all you've delivered.

- Oh, so that's the trouble again?

- And it always will be.

How long did you say they would live, a day?

Two days?

- I forget.

- Two weeks, two months at most.

- Oh my dear, doctors don't know everything.

We're not Chinamen.

- It's been 15 years.

Something is telling me that I must see them.

- You don't know what they look like.

They have grown so ugly that I would hesitate

even to describe them.

- [Lutetia] What about their intelligence?

- [Frankenstein] About on the level

with cantaloupes, I'd say.

- Cantaloupes?

- Zucchinis then.

My dear, they have each other.

You mustn't suppose they're starved for affection.

They adore each other.

They even suck each other's thumbs.

- Oh, if only there were some sort of sign

telling me what to do.

("Close Encounters" theme music)

(spacecraft zooming)

- [Caleb] What's that?

- [Servant] Something strange.

- [Frankenstein] A flying clam.

- [Caleb] No, it's a fortune cookie.

- Oh.

- Whoa!

- [Servant] Get away, it's dangerous!

Run for cover!

(craft zooming)

- Where'd it go? Where?

Holy ...

(craft zooming)

Whoa!

(craft zooming)

(groaning)

(Caleb screaming)

(craft zooming)

(engine idling)

(Caleb grunting)

(steam hissing)

(craft beeping)

(gong banging)

- Hello, Mrs. Swain.

How come you pay no attention to the wonderful clue

I give to the American people?

- Who are you?

- Why I am Ah Fong, the former ambassador for China.

You didn't see me on television 15 years ago?

- Yes, yes, we did.

- You bet your ass you did.

We had the highest Nielsen ratings for a news show

in the entire history of American television.

I said that the reason for success

in Chinese science is twins, and you had twins.

You can't put two and two together?

- You know about your twins?

- Damn site more than you people do.

You have Wilbur and Eliza.

- You have been spying on my poor little monsters.

- Now see here!

- Be quiet, you quack.

We found out in the People's Republic of China,

if you put two lonely, ugly, not-good-for-nothing twins

together for a long enough time, nighttime, daytime,

you let them communicate, they come out with a genius

that put Albert Einstein to shame.

- Not my two.

- We must get this together.

You people, the way you are,

you're dragging down this entire planet.

Your last good idea you had was scotch tape.

Now we Chinese, we're a nice people. We're not bad guys.

We just businessmen, right?

All we wanna do is just negotiate a little contract

for control of gravity, and we want approval.

We want your approval, we want the people's approval,

we want the president's approval.

You go and you call the president, and you tell that dumb

son of bitch that the major natural resource

for this country is right here, Wilbur and Eliza.

(light music)

(cork popping)

(upbeat music)

(dancers chattering)

(upbeat dance music)

(bottle smashing)

(upbeat dance music)

- Where are you going, my dear?

- To check on the children.

- They're not children. They're aardvarks.

- Whatever they are, I'm getting paid to look after them,

and that is what I intend to do.

(upbeat music)

- I don't like this thing at all.

(faint upbeat music)

(mysterious music)

(soft snoring)

(door closing)

(speaking foreign language)

- I love you, Eliza.

- I love you too.

I could never live without you.

When you go away from me,

I feel like part of me is dying.

But then, when you come back, I'm whole.

- Yeah, me too.

This is sure a queer planet.

- Where the main idea is to be as dumb as possible.

- And if you're not dumb enough,

you just drink more champagne.

- And with all the champagne that Sylvester

and the servants drink, they must be considered

the dumbest people in the world.

- Oh yeah?

Well you know what?

Sylvester says that Mother and Father

are more stupid than they are.

- I hope we act dumb enough for them.

I want Mother and Father to be proud of us.

- Oh, I'm sure they are. You can bet.

(soft dance music)

(Eliza laughing)

(soft dance music)

- Thank you.

(upbeat dance music)

(dancers laughing)

- [Maria] Quentin, put me down.

Put me down at once.

- Sh, sh, sh.

(phone ringing)

What is that?

(phone ringing)

- The telephone.

- The telephone.

It can't be the neighbors to complain about our noise.

We don't have any neighbors.

(phone ringing)

(Sylvester mumbling)

- [Woman] Please put the music back on.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Caleb] Hello. Hello, who's there?

- Sylvester speaking.

- [Caleb] Oh, Sylvester, this is Caleb

Rockefeller Swain.

- Mr. Swain?

- [Caleb] Hello?

- Did anybody here call ...

Oh, Mr. Swain.

I'm standing here in my naughty underwear

talking to my master.

It is unseemly. Bring me my pants.

- [Caleb] Hello, hello.

- I'll just be a moment, sir.

I'm tending to matters upstairs.

- [Caleb] Oh yes, of course, fine. Very good.

- How nice to hear your voice again, sir.

- Yes, well, Sylvester, my wife and I will be there tomorrow

in the afternoon, along with Dr. Frankenstein,

and then we'll be meeting the president

of the United States, and he'll have

two Secret Service men with him.

- Yes, sir.

Listen, if there's anything at all we can do

for those wonderful, adorable children of yours,

just tell us, sir, and consider it done.

- [Caleb] Do we have any Encyclopedia Brittanicas?

- Any of you monkeys order an Encyclopedia Brittanica?

- My brother-in-law used to sell them.

That was two years ago.

- The feeling was, sir, that no child should grow up

in a home without the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

- Oh, of course, very good.

You were right about the Encyclopedia Brittanica,

absolutely right, they have a set there.

- And your children have read it 10 times through.

I know because our most reliable agent

has been watching them.

- The cook?

- Of course the cook.

- I knew his face was familiar, but when I asked him

if he was a communist, he said no.

- Yes, well you see, he was under orders to lie.

- What is the world coming to

when you can't even trust the Chinese?

- Look, you people go get acquainted with your children,

and we'll come back real soon, and we'll make a big deal

for the control of gravity, okay?

- Well we just felt that we had to see

our children in spite of what they became.

- [Ah Fong] I get the winners!

(patriotic music)

(players mumbling)

- Your cocktail, Mr. President.

- Thank you, Lieutenant.

(patriotic music)

- Sir.

We'll be landing at our destination at 1200 hours.

- Thank you, Ensign.

- That's Lieutenant, sir. This is an airplane, not a boat.

- Oh yes, yeah, I keep forgetting.

The press of duties, you know.

Well, at ease, at ease.

- It certainly is exciting to reestablish contact

with the People's Republic of China after all these years.

- Well thank you, but they make me feel like such a jackass.

We're so far behind them in bicycles,

contraceptives, jellybeans.

You name it, they've got it lashed to the mast.

- This must be a very important mission.

- In the lap of the gods.

- Is everything all right with you, Mr. President?

- Yes, yes, of course.

- It just seems like there's something troubling you.

- It's so embarrassing.

This airplane, Air Force One,

once the symbol of a great nation,

powered by chicken shit.

- We'd be walking if it wasn't for chicken shit.

- Yes, I guess I am grateful for the damn stuff.

Well, as you Navy people say, damn the torpedoes,

Ridley, and full steam ahead.

Dismissed.

(chickens clucking)

I like that boy.

(hands clapping)

(light music)

(lid clanging)

(light music)

- Master Wilbur, Mistress Eliza.

Your Royal Highness.

Your faithful and obedient servants

hope you are well this afternoon.

(singing gibberish)

(blowing raspberry)

(light music)

- Bon appetit.

(light music)

(items clattering)

(light music)

- Got it.

- High. Low.

Ha. Ha ha.

(light music)

(both shouting)

(light music)

(moaning playfully)

(singing gibberish)

(light music)

(shouting indistinctly)

(light music)

- Time for a little liquid refreshment.

(shouting indistinctly)

(upbeat music)

(hard breathing)

(children moaning)

(Eliza laughing)

(horse whinnying)

(horse whinnying)

- To think that our children may actually be intelligent.

- Why wouldn't they be?

They come from perfectly marvelous stock.

The Fords, the Vanderbilts, the Rockefellers.

- I hope that it's all right for the president

to land on that old airstrip.

- That's why we've got a vice president.

- I must find out how much gasoline we used.

I've gotta hide the sports car.

- I'll get out the horse and wagon.

- Get that Kawasaki out of here.

Mildred, take your panties down at the flagpole

and run up Old Glory.

Look at this mess, I'm probably finished.

I mustn't worry like this.

I'll get wrinkles around my eyes.

(Sylvester whistling "Hail to the Chief")

- Oh, my lord, my lady.

How wonderful to meet you at last.

- We're not lord and lady today.

- Oh no no, of course not, forgive me.

The president is already ensconced in the library.

- Sylvester.

- Oh, Doctor, how distinguished you look.

May I take your briefcase?

- No, thank you, no. I'll keep it.

I have some intelligence and aptitude tests

I want to give to the children.

- The children, yes, sir.

Excellent, excellent, good idea.

(soft music)

- The doctor has brought you some intelligence tests.

Can you imagine that?

Does a horse have feathers, or hair?

- Feathers.

- Right, quills, yes. A horse has quills,

like a porcupine.

Don't forget it.

I wonder if it's time to teach you

the words for Mama and Papa.

Say Papa.

(speaking gibberish)

Say Mama.

(mumbling)

Good, we're perfect.

And I'll point them out to you.

Remember, they gave you the precious gift of life.

And pay all the bills.

Okay, Papa.

(blowing raspberry)

Mama.

- Ah!

(speaking gibberish)

By George, they've got it.

- [Maria] Would you like some apple cider, Mr. President?

- Is this all there is to drink in the house?

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. President.

I should have thought to bring something along.

You see, Dr. Frankenstein gathered together

this staff of people to take care of the children.

They all hate alcohol.

- Distinguished sir, my lady, president.

The children are ready.

- Are the children really so smart?

- You must be the judge of that.

I have come to love them, so it is impossible

for me to be objective.

- Well the Chinese say they're the greatest resource

this country has today.

- We know that the Chinese cannot be

mistaken about anything, don't we, sir?

- I'm so proud.

- Are we ready?

Without further ado, may I present

Master Wilbur and Mistress Eliza?

(hands clapping)

Children, these are your parents.

(speaking gibberish)

(shouting indistinctly)

And this is the president of the United States,

the second most powerful and rich nation

in the whole world.

(blowing raspberry)

- [President] Poor bastard.

- Please, God, let me faint.

- Me too.

- Can't I please faint?

- Me too.

- Come on, kids, you can do better than this.

I want you to give them a welcome they will never forget.

(children speaking gibberish)

(children shrieking)

(speaking gibberish)

(glass smashing)

(children shrieking)

(upbeat music)

(shouting)

(upbeat music)

(gun firing)

(cup smashing)

(upbeat music)

(painting smashing)

(upbeat music)

(speaking gibberish)

- Aha!

(upbeat music)

(body thudding)

(alarm blaring)

(speaking gibberish)

- [PA] Battle stations, men. Grab some mace.

I wish we had some napalm.

(alarm blaring)

(upbeat music)

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Maria?

- Yes, Madame?

- Where are the children now?

- They are in their bedroom.

- Are they all right?

- I don't know, Madame. They were sprayed with mace.

- That was necessary, I suppose.

- So it would seem.

- [Lutetia] Well has it ever happened before?

- I don't think so.

- [Lutetia] Then it was all our fault?

- Lutetia, stop.

- Well it was.

- Will you please just stop and let us just go.

- We failed them. We have not been good parents.

- Let's get in the car, and let's never come back here.

- We have brought them into a world where they don't belong.

How could I have given birth to two drooling totem poles?

- It couldn't be helped, darling. That's all in the past.

- What a cruel joke for the Chinese to play.

How disappointing that is.

- They don't think like regular people.

- I'm so gullible.

I actually believed that they would be spouting

Latin, Greek and algebra, literature.

- [Caleb] Spanish, hygiene, I was gullible too.

I was like you, just like you.

(soft jazz music)

(gasping)

(Maria shrieking)

(group murmuring)

- Quickly, get the mace.

- No, no.

I wanna talk to them.

- Careful, Madame, they could rip your head off.

- I am your mother.

Not that you know what mother means.

And your mother is leaving you now forever.

I have failed you.

Perhaps there was no way to serve you,

but I wish people had let me try, and it's too late now.

You, my own flesh, are as foreign as Mars to me.

If there had been the least

flicker of intelligence in your eyes or the least syllable

of language on your lips, I came here with the thought

of maybe starting over again and beginning

a family of some sort.

Oh, it's cruel and stupid of me to insist on these

little signs before I can fully love you,

and I just, well, I have nothing but contempt for myself.

As for you, well, you are surely as beautifully noble

as anyone, given your bodies and minds, could ever be.

Good luck.

And goodbye.

(group murmuring)

- [Eliza] Mother.

- [Lutetia] Oh God, what a time for her to say

Mother by accident.

- Mother dear?

- [Eliza] Mother, look at us, please.

- Mr. and Mrs. Swain.

- Mr. and Mrs. Caleb Rockefeller Swain.

- [Wilbur] Of 229 Peacock, Santa Barbara, California.

- I'm scared. I'm so scared.

- Be not afraid, Mother.

- We bring you tidings of great joy.

- Listen, we are not dumb.

We just thought that you all wanted very much

for us to be as dumb as possible.

(speaking French)

This is a very weird planet.

It's just confusing to us because it's good to be dumb,

and it's bad to be smart.

You know, do as the Romans do, when in Rome, that is.

I had it backwards.

- I swear this is the first sign of intelligent life

I've ever observed in them.

- Oh, well, any time we showed one,

you found some way to put it out.

- Yeah.

- I have some intelligence tests.

We'll find out what we've got.

- All this has totally turned my world upside down.

- By George, the whole family has reunited.

- Where's my sister?

- Don't worry about her.

- But we've never been apart before.

This feels terrible.

I've been cut in half.

- You'll have to get used to it, won't you?

- No, I feel very dumb without Eliza.

- Hello, Sylvester, are you there?

- Yes, Doctor.

- I'm just about to give the knee reflex test.

All right, stand by.

(upbeat music)

Turn around.

Cross your legs.

(upbeat music)

Hello, there's absolutely no reaction at all here.

Is there anything on your side?

Sylvester, are you there?

Hello, hello, hello.

- She kicked him in the groin.

- It's just as I thought.

You know, there's a definite telepathic connection

between those two.

You must somehow keep the girl distracted

to make sure they don't cheat.

Right, 10-four.

Begin.

(light music)

- Ah, ah.

(light music)

(clock ticking)

(light music)

- Don't look at the questions until I say begin.

- What?

- Wait until I say begin.

- Oh, okay.

- Begin.

My dear, you're being timed. Speed is part of the test.

The seconds are ticking away, begin.

- Where is Wilbur?

- We're interested in Eliza now.

- Oh.

- Don't pretend to be stupid.

We know exactly how smart you are now.

Now pick up the pencil.

Eliza.

Pick up the pencil.

Now read the first question.

- I can't read and write.

- You can't read and write?

- No, Wilbur does those things. I do other things.

- What other things?

- I'm good at guessing.

He'll read something to me, and he won't understand

what it means exactly,

but then all of a sudden I can explain it, you see,

for both of us.

- Very well, I will read to you.

Does a horse have feathers or hair?

- It's not the same. It has to be Wilbur.

- Surely you can answer a simple question like that

whether Wilbur's here or not.

- A horse has quills like a porcupine.

- Ah!

- Hey, I can walk the dog.

- [Agent] And I can do around the world.

- Well, I have to confess that I've rather underestimated

the intelligence of the twins in the past.

I apologize for that.

But you know, in view of these tests I jst made,

I didn't miss by all that much.

It's true that the boy has learned to read and write,

which I suppose makes him about 10 times

as smart as the girl.

But incidentally, they both said that a horse

has quills like a porcupine.

- A horse has hair.

- Good for you.

- I feel as though life has used me as a yo-yo.

- The boy should go to a military academy.

He'd learn discipline there,

and he'd learn how to relate to other people.

There's a very good one about 50 miles from here.

It's run by an old friend of mine.

- What about the girl?

- I think the girl should stay here,

I mean in familiar surroundings.

You could cut way down on the staff.

What could it take to make her happy?

I mean, a box of crayons, a doll.

- Well, I'd better mosey on back to the White House.

I had a wonderful time here.

- I'm awfully sorry that our babies weren't smarter.

- Yeah, well, we gave it a shot.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- We would like to take the test over again.

- That's hardly necessary.

- We would like to take it together,

if you would let us sit side by side.

- [Frankenstein] Why not bring in the Harvard

faculty to help you?

- Sir?

- The tests are for individuals, not gangs.

People must learn to paddle their own canoes.

- So you don't want us to be as smart as we can be?

- Not by cheating.

- Oh.

- Well, couldn't we cheat just once so we can show you

how very smart we can be?

- No, I'm perfectly satisfied with the results as they are.

- Now just a minute.

I might be a simple soul from Illinois,

but I also happen to be president of a once-great nation

whose entire economy is powered by chicken shit.

(chicken clucking)

Now if you two kids think you can perform

some kinda miracle by putting your heads together,

I for one would like to see it.

Tell me, how can I get America running again?

(electric current buzzing)

(soft music)

(vocalizing)

(soft music)

(vocalizing)

- Children, do you have to do that?

Surely you can think without ...

- We don't understand.

- Well there's such a thing as being too close.

- There is?

- Especially for brothers and sisters.

You see it's (clears throat).

Caleb, tell the children about the incest taboo.

- Yes, my darling. The incest taboo.

Back in the olden times, in Egypt and King Arthur

and all of that, people noticed that when relatives married

and had babies, the children usually turned out

dumb and funny-looking.

- Oh, so you and Mother were relatives then?

- Well of course not.

Why would you ask such a stupid question?

- Well because my sister and I are freaks.

- I think this conversation has gone askew someway.

- Just try a little harder to keep your hands to yourselves.

- Try a little harder.

- We must touch.

- They have to touch.

- Well, couldn't you hold hands?

I mean, after all, you are brother and sister. That's legal.

- It's all right to hold hands.

- That's just for math.

- Nothing higher than calculus.

See, the president just asked a question

that's the hardest one we ever had to answer.

- What do you need to do to answer the question?

- Take off our shirts.

- And embrace?

- So our skins touch.

- That's it, that's it!

That's all I can ...

Precious, the alarm please!

Get the police, get the servants!

(alarm blaring)

- I pushed it, I pushed it.

- Kids, it's over, okay? That's all.

- [Caleb] It's over. They're coming.

(alarm blaring)

- Use the straitjackets.

(alarm blaring)

- [Servant] Now we'll get them.

- There are some sacrifices that no citizen should ever

have to make for his or her country.

- [Servant] Little monsters.

(soft music)

(cock crowing)

(horse whinnying)

- What's that wagon doing out there?

(Quentin burping)

Is it delivering ice cream?

- That's right, ice cream. It's delivering ice cream.

- I like ice cream.

(burping)

(crow cawing)

- You guys gonna tell me what this is all about?

- We're gonna make a man outta you, kid.

- Wasn't that bound to happen anyway?

Where's my sister?

- Forget about your sister, kid.

- Okay, where's the lady who said she's my mother?

- She's gone. She didn't wanna cry.

- Why, is there something to cry about?

Hey, there's something very sad happening here.

If Eliza was here, she would tell me what it was.

Hey, why are you locking me up? What's happened?

Eliza!

- [Soldier] Let's get outta here before he starts thinking.

- Wilbur!

(light music)

Wilbur! Wait for me!

Wilbur!

(fabric tearing)

- Eliza.

- [Eliza] I'm coming, Wilbur!

- [Quentin] Eliza, don't jump. Come back.

- [Caleb] Wait, they're trying to separate us.

(dramatic music)

- Come closer. - I can't.

- [Soldier] Come back.

(dramatic music)

- Just a little closer.

- [Eliza] Take my hand.

(current zapping)

Wilbur!

- Come on now, back in the paddy wagon.

- There goes my ride.

- There's nothing I can do about it.

Nothing I can do about it.

(fist striking)

- [Eliza] I'm coming, Wilbur!

- Eliza, Eliza. They're trying to separate us.

Eliza.

(light music)

(siren blaring)

Eliza.

Eliza.

(horse whinnying)

(sobbing)

- Everything is going to be all right.

- Why, why am I crying?

- Try not to worry about it.

- I can't think.

My brain just seems to be flying away.

- Come, come on inside.

You'll better off in there, when we get inside.

(bugle music)

(cannon firing)

(bugle music)

- Left harch.

Right shoulder, harms.

(gun firing)

(sergeant shouting indistinctly)

(cannon firing)

(sergeant shouting indistinctly)

(military music)

- Mr. Swain. - Colonel Sharp.

- How do you do?

How do you do?

- Colonel, thank you.

- [Caleb] I don't believe it.

- [Lutetia] He looked like such a loser

only a few weeks ago.

- He still looks like a loser, Mrs. Swain.

That's why we had to give him that disguise.

First day here, scared the wits

out of everybody, especially me.

- [Caleb] Colonel, is that drill instructor Chinese?

- You're a great judge of character. Great judge, Mr. Swain.

He is Chinese, best drill instructor we have.

Terrible temper.

- [Caleb] Looks like a cook we once had

who turned out to be a communist spy.

- Don't let that bother you.

I personally had him checked out.

And he came up with a double IQ rating.

- Is that good?

- Good? The president himself only has a one IQ rating.

Please, Mrs. Swain.

Mr. Swain.

- [Sergeant] To the left, harch.

To the right, harch.

Four times, harch.

Right shoulder, arms.

Nice and calm, right shoulder, arms!

- Whoa.

Ah.

Whoa.

- [Sergeant] Order, harms.

- Nice, eh?

At ease, men.

(gun firing)

(cat squealing)

Smoke if you've got them.

- They smoke?

- No, that's just to give a macho military atmosphere.

Wipe that grin off that smile, dipshit.

Swain, one step forward. Step!

This is your mother and father.

- If you say so, sir.

- They've come here to see if we've built your character

the way I promised them I did.

- [Wilbur] Yes, sir.

- Who is the biggest crybaby in this outfit?

- Uh.

Cadet Wilbur Rockefeller Swain, sir.

- Did he cry all night and every night for his sister?

- Yes, yes, yes, sir.

- Now, Cadet Swain, you tell us this:

What's the name of his sister?

- I can't remember, sir.

- Very good.

Cadet Swain, one step backward.

- One?

- Step.

Ten hut!

Right face.

- [Lutetia] It's a miracle he can't

remember his sister's name.

- There's no miracle about it, Mrs. Swain.

You deprive them of sleep, and harangue them.

Constant haranguement.

And then there's that ego. We destroy it, permanently.

And if they wet their beds,

we use electric diapers on them.

- I wish there was a place like this for Eliza.

(laughing)

- I, I, I know.

Perhaps if you would pour some

of the spaghetti sauce over me.

Watch carefully.

Ho, this is so funny.

The way it falls down my face.

Won't you at least sleep in your own room

instead of the attic?

There are bats up there.

- They are my friends.

Bats are animals that God made for ugly people.

- Can we at least put in a reading light up there?

- I can't read.

- I would be glad to read to you.

- I couldn't concentrate. You're not the missing half of me.

(soft music)

(bats squeaking)

(soft music)

♪ My friends here are dry rot and dust and bats ♪

♪ Alone cries for a mate ♪

♪ Why are we lonesome on this great Earth? ♪

♪ Tis fate, tis fate, tis fate ♪

♪ It is the power to make friends ♪

♪ And pairings is the only cure ♪

♪ How could you sing out so ♪

♪ Endure, endure, endure ♪

♪ I know what to wish for on yon bright star ♪

♪ One wish is enough for me ♪

♪ Half of my soul has been stolen away ♪

♪ It was the half I love, you see ♪

♪ Make me lonesome no more ♪

♪ Make me whole, make me whole ♪

♪ The stars so pure and white ♪

♪ Give me back my soulmate who's been stolen ♪

♪ Please, oh please ♪

♪ Or take my other soul too ♪

(soft music)

- Wilbur, where are you?

(ship whooshing)

(mysterious music)

Oh, my.

(ship whooshing)

(ship crashing)

Oh, my.

(people chattering inside ship)

(screaming inside ship)

(ship beeping)

(people chattering inside ship)

(ship beeping)

Ah!

- Anymore funny stuff, we're gonna blow the shit out of you.

We got former Ambassador Ah Fong in here.

- I didn't know.

- Bouncing around like a goddam ping-pong ball.

- I can't tell you how sorry I am.

- Think you're sorry? We all busted up in here.

- That wasn't all my fault, was it?

(speaking Chinese)

- [Man] Ah Fong is coming.

He got hurt by the ping-pong table,

but he's still coming.

- Keep your pants on. Ah Fong wants to speak to you.

- [Man] Come on, get outta the way, get down.

Move it, move it.

Watch it, watch it, watch it.

Come on, hey, hey.

- Are you the same one or a different one?

- Different what?

- Chinese man.

- Oh yeah, very different Chinese man.

- He wouldn't really have zapped me, would he?

- Oh, yes, if necessary.

- I'm afraid.

- Oh, don't be afraid. I come with good news.

You go to your brother, the two of you get together,

you can be smart again.

Then everything gonna be okay.

Then we make a deal for control of gravity, huh?

- Where is my brother?

- The Custer Military School for Screwed-Up Boys.

It's about 50 miles from here.

- I should start walking.

- Oh, no need to walk.

Right outside the house, hidden under bales of hay,

there's a brand-new Ferrari all gassed up, ready to go.

- I don't think I can drive.

- Any fool can drive.

You just put the key in the ignition,

you turn the key and push the gas pedal and you're going.

I tell you how to get there, okay.

When you go out the gate, you turn right.

And down the hill, there's a fork in the road.

You don't take a right fork, take a left fork.

Then you turn right at the Esso chicken shit station.

(engine sputtering)

- What's that?

- My car, drop it!

(tires squealing)

(engine racing)

(tires squealing)

- Eliza.

(dogs barking in distance)

(military music and vocalizing)

(engine racing)

(car crashing)

- [Eliza] Wilbur?

- Who's there?

Halt!

(gun clicking)

- [Eliza] Wilbur?

- Please halt.

- [Eliza] I want to see my brother.

- I can't let anyone in without permission.

- His name is Wilbur Swain. You tell him to come here.

You tell him his sister is here.

- How do I know you're his sister?

- We're twins. Take a look.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(military music and vocalizing)

Wilbur!

(military music and vocalizing)

- So I told General Patton, Georgie,

you just took the wrong goddam hill.

Here's the study hall.

- Well I just had to come and see for myself.

You know, Wilbur's parents told me

how much you've done for the boy.

- Well they promised us a brand-new gymnasium.

- Oh they did? They're certainly good for it.

They're the only patients I've got.

- Well you know, standing on your own two feet

is the best way to do this kind of homework.

It will make you a fighter.

- Paddling your own canoe.

- Ow!

- He goofed off, looked up from the book.

Just gave him a little electric shock.

- Ah!

- Variation on the electrified diaper scheme.

- Exactly, but a heck of a lot drier.

However, sometimes we have to resort to an extra jolt.

- Woo!

- Such as like Wilbur.

- Wilbur?

- Mm-hm.

- You know, I can't believe that

he's unable to recognize me.

- That's the beauty of it. He's forgotten everything.

He was stuck up when he was able to write,

but now he can't write a goddam thing.

Can't even write his own name.

Now you ask him for his name

and ask him for his autograph right now.

He'll give it to you marked X

if he's capable of making a mark.

- He's certainly poring over that book.

- Blank pages.

- Blank?

- Blank. Every book here has blank pages.

When they stop staring at those blank pages,

well you saw what the hell happened to him.

(screaming)

And when I think they're ready,

I'm gonna give them pages with words on them.

(Frankenstein chuckling)

First things first.

- Oh, Doctor.

- Yes, Sergeant.

- You're wanted in the infirmary.

Something's happened to Cadet Stravinski.

His hair started turning white, and he can't talk anymore.

- All right, I'll be right with you.

I'd appreciate very much if you'd come and take a look

at silent Stravinski before I hoodwink him

right into the mutant platoon.

- Oh, well, keep up the good work, Wilbur.

(current zapping)

- Wilbur!

Wilbur, it's me!

(devices beeping)

(group chattering)

- This is the dumbest group I have ever seen!

No wonder your parents don't like you!

If I had kids like you, I'd kkk!

(cadets groaning)

I don't hate you! I don't hate you!

I loathe you!

(laughing)

(cadets groaning)

(dramatic music)

(cadets groaning and shouting)

(dramatic music)

- Wilbur!

(cadets groaning and shouting)

(glass smashing)

(sparks sizzling)

(glass smashing)

(dramatic music)

(booths crashing)

(booth crashing)

- Where you going with him?

Where you going with him?

(growling)

(alarm blaring)

(dramatic music)

- [Eliza] Don't be afraid, Wilbur, this is your sister.

God, Wilbur, what have they done to you?

What have they done to us?

- [Sharp] Men!

- [Cadets] Yes, sir!

- Do you have your sunglasses?

- [Cadets] Yes, sir!

- Put them on!

I don't want you to see him, goddammit,

or your hair'll turn white.

You'll get a stroke.

Let me see your weapons!

(cadets cheering)

- Get going, back row, both of them!

Move out!

(cadets shouting and cheering)

Move the goddam dogs!

- Oh, God, dogs. They're coming after us with dogs.

(dogs barking in distance)

God, I'm getting smarter all the time

just being close to you.

Aren't you getting smarter too?

- Step on it, move it! Charge!

- Please answer me.

(dogs barking in distance)

(helicopter flying)

Hey, come on.

Hey, you have to snap out of this

and help me figure out what to do.

(dogs barking in distance)

(sobbing)

Oh, God.

I love you.

I can't live without you.

If we can't be together as one, I would just rather

wait here and be eaten by dogs.

(Wilbur barking)

(speaking gibberish)

- What?

- Lonesome no more.

A social scheme where everybody could be

happy and loving all the time.

- Our essay on social reform, do you remember that?

Happy and loving all the time,

no matter what the situation is.

- Yeah, Utopia, where everybody in the country

has 10,000 sisters and brothers and 100,000 cousins.

- Everyone should be issued a new middle name

consisting of a noun.

- The name of a flower or fruit.

- Or a nut, a vegetable, a gem or a bird

or a fish or a mineral connected by a hyphen

to a number between one and 20.

- Yeah, and anyone that would have the same middle name,

such as uranium, would be cousins.

And anyone with the same number

would be brothers and sisters.

Anywhere you would--

- Would go in this great country of ours,

you would have a relative so that if you were fighting

with someone, chances are it would be

someone in your family.

You're okay now, aren't you, Wilbur?

- Yeah, they were giving me electric shock treatments,

but I'm all better now.

- We can't turn to anyone for help,

so we've got to go back to the mansion.

- Finish up our essay on gravity.

- And escape to a place that we can call home.

- And live in peace and happiness.

- Forevermore.

- Yeah, that's nice.

- Yeah, that's nice.

- [Eliza] Hurry, Wilbur, hurry.

(helicopter flying)

- Master Wilbur, Mistress Eliza.

(dogs barking)

(group chattering)

- [Cadet] Right now, get them! Open up!

We got them now.

- Ten hut!

Colonel Sharp, sir, we have the enemy

trapped behind this bolted door, sir.

- Move the hounds!

(cadet whistling)

Now I gave you wet-noses balls! Use them.

Crash through that goddam obstacle!

Hold it!

Withdraw!

You, boy?

What in the goddam hell is behind that obstacle?

- Nothing, sir, it is the children's dining room, Mr. Sharp.

- Mister Sharp! It's Colonel Sharp!

Or Sharp or sir!

- Yes, sir, Sharp. Mein Fuhrer.

It is totally encased in steel.

It was built at a time when the children

were believed to be dangerous.

There is no way in.

- Blast it!

- Must calm the boy.

Out!

♪ General Motors uber alles ♪

- Well this is goodbye to your gymnasium.

(matches striking)

- Hold that fire! Withdraw!

I don't wanna lose that damn gym.

Cadet Swain?

Cadet Swain!

- [Wilbur] Yes.

- Now this is a direct command.

You come out right now, and there'll be no casualties.

- What about my sister?

- Oh, we'll take good care of her.

Hell, we've even got your family doctor with us.

- [Wilbur] Dr. Frankenstein?

- Wilbur, you remember me now?

- Oh, I certainly do.

- [Frankenstein] I've taken care of you

since you were knee-high to a grasshopper.

I've known your element.

- You never knew anything about either one of us,

you self-serving fraud.

- Your sister told you to say that!

She's probably told you to say a great many

other rude and ungrateful things.

Wilbur, as your family doctor, I order you

to come out of there and get away from her.

- No, we'll never be parted again.

- We would rather die than be parted.

Wilbur, we have to concentrate

harder than we ever did before.

Now, maybe if we can fully understand how to control gravity

we can somehow get out of here.

- I'm not very good under pressure.

- All right, fire the fuse.

(ship whooshing)

What the heck is that?

- [Frankenstein] God, it's the Chinese.

- Shoot them. Open fire!

(groaning)

(ship whooshing)

(dramatic music)

(whooshing stops)

(ship beeping)

(guns clicking)

(ship beeping)

- We can't turn our backs on you people for one moment

without you getting yourselves into trouble.

- Well I'll be a son of a bitch.

- Now listen to me, you overstuffed morons.

I'm getting tired of all your booboos.

You blast away in this room, and the most important

information in the world is gonna go up in molecules.

Please, just for once, let us handle this, okay?

(ship beeping)

- However, if this red ship follows from a more general idea

than that of general relativity,

depending only upon the conservation of energy

and upon the effective mass of a photon of energy

being E equals MC squared, thus, although the experimental

tenets of general relatively were not fully conclusive--

- Wait a minute.

Go back to the part about the photon.

- Yeah, depending only upon the conservation of energy

and mass of a photon of energy being E over C squared.

- That's where Einstein made his mistake.

He got the mass of a photon wrong.

I know what that can feel like. I can smell it.

- Well you've never been wrong yet.

- I know I'm right.

We can go right where Einstein went wrong. We're so close.

We're so close. Hold me.

- Yes.

(explosion)

(Eliza coughing)

(dramatic music)

- Oh no, please, don't stop.

On the contrary, we want you to stay together,

be as smart as you can possibly be.

We want to take you to China with us.

- We're not going anywhere with you.

- I'm afraid you have no choice.

After all, we are the most powerful people in the world.

If we wanted to, we could blast you

to smithereens right here.

They couldn't help you from the outside, uh?

Nobody can help you.

So please, you just give us the equation to gravity

and come to China with us.

Otherwise, we blow you away right here.

- We would rather die. - We would rather die.

- Just like Americans, always the wrong decisions.

So be it.

(soft suspenseful music)

(chandelier creaking)

(door creaking)

(soft suspenseful music)

(chickens clucking)

(liquid boiling)

(dramatic music)

(lights popping)

(Chinese chattering)

(dramatic music)

(items crashing)

- [Aliens] Twins, be not afraid.

Chinese men, please stop what you are doing.

The twins must not be harmed.

- Who are you?

- [Alien] Someone that could blow you away, Squirt.

- Just asking.

(soft mysterious music)

- [Aliens] Hello, Wilbur and Eliza.

You are both very special.

We hoped that the people of this planet

would see that and learn from you.

(soft music)

(waves whooshing)

(soft music)

Unfortunately, they cannot handle intelligence at this time.

We will take you to a place that you can call home.

(soft music)

(Chinese chattering)

(upbeat music)

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Check out the beautiful people ♪

♪ Looking so slick and fine ♪

♪ I guess we don't fit in, a pair of alien twins ♪

♪ They think we're out of our minds ♪

♪ Wasting time ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Two heads are better, oh oh oh ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Two heads are better than ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better than one ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Can't judge a book by its cover ♪

♪ Not in this crazy place ♪

♪ How can it be taboo ♪

♪ For me to be with you? ♪

♪ Two kids from outer space ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Two heads are better, oh oh oh ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better ♪

♪ We're puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better than, ♪

♪ Two heads are better than one ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Woo oo, oo oo ♪

♪ Woo oo ♪

♪ Two times times two times two times two times two ♪

♪ Is what we are ♪

♪ I'm only me when I'm with you, yeah ♪

♪ When we reach to the stars ♪

♪ We'll always be puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better, oh oh oh ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Because two heads are, well ♪

♪ You know what I mean, babe ♪

♪ We're puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Two heads are better ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together, together, together ♪

♪ Two heads are better ♪

♪ Oh, puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better ♪

♪ Oo oo oo, puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Because two heads are better ♪

♪ Oo oo oo, oo ♪

♪ Together, oo oo oo, oo oo ♪

♪ Together, ah ah ah, ah ah ♪

♪ Together, yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Together, oh, puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Together, together ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ It's like your head's in my head ♪

♪ And your head's in my head ♪

♪ And your head's in my head ♪

♪ It's so much better, we're puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Together, better, oh oh oh ♪

♪ Puttin' our heads together ♪

♪ Two heads are better ♪