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[whirring]

[evil laughter]

[metal clangs]

[electronic dance music] ♪

And I believe I heard someone say... free pizza?

Yes.

I have accumulated the precise amount of coupons

for one free Cosmic Crust pizza.

What?

You never said it was Cosmic Crust pizza.

Proximity alert.

[yelps]

[growls]

A free Cosmic Crust pizza is nothing to get excited about.

The box has more flavor than the pizza.

Flavor is not my primary objective, Ratchet.

I find enormous satisfaction in s

to achieve output goals.

Yeah, but Cosmic Crust?

I mean, it's only popular 'ca.

[laser fire]

[loud explosion]

Okay, I think I'm done.

May we now resume our primary mission?

Secondary mission, Clank.

Cardboard Crust does not qualify as a primary mission.

If it were up to me, we'd be going for a nice slice of...

[yelling] Tentacle!!!

[both screaming]

Whoaaaa!!!!

[thud]

[thud]

[thud]

[thud]

Computing a base of options.

The only evasive option I need is Mr. Throttle!

[whirring]

Perhaps an alternate course of action.

I'm not done yet.

[screeching]

So, do we need to discuss the giant tentacle

that just tried to yank us into oblivion?

Curious.

It emerged from a short-term inter-dimensional portal.

Portal technology?

[gasps]

Imagine what we could do with that.

Ratchet, I hope you're not...

Tracing the energy signature of that hyper tech

so I can nab it for myself?

Great idea, Clank.

No, it is not.

I have spent many solar cycles aggregating pizza coupons.

It is very important...

Found it!

Huh?

Oh dear.

No, Ratchet. You promised.

Come on, Clank. This'll be fun.

For you, yes.

Your activities always take precedence over mine.

Okay, not true.

I mean, yeah look, what about that time, um...

Well, okay... And you know...

I mean, this is going to be quick.

We'll just fly in, take a quick look, see what...

[gasps]

The well fortified, nigh impervious base

of galactic super villain Doctor Nefarious...

Oh dear.

[forceful stomping]

First, he brought you the world-shattering Deplanetizer,

then the soul-crushing Biobliterator.

Now, here to reveal his mol

and just downright nasty invention,

give a big warbot welcome to your favorite evil overlord,

DOCTOR NEFARIOUSSSS!!!!

[dance music] ♪

[party horn]

[apathetic cheering]

Huh?

[groans]

[gasps]

[enthusiastic applause]

[cheering loudly]

Thank you.

Thank you all for coming to my latest evil product launch!

Wait, we had a choice?

[puzzled grunt]

Mindless minions behold,

my most fearsome and dangerous weapon yet!

The Portalizer.

Patent pending, all rights reserved.

[gasps]

With this device, I can rip portals

in the very fabric of time and space.

Even into other dimensions.

Oh, no.

Oh yes!

Come on, let's get closer.

No, Ratchet.

Such as...

the dimension of man-eating kittens.

[mews]

The land where robots grow body hair.

Ooh!

[laughs excitedly]

I'm guessing... the Calamari Quadrant?

And finally, a domain brimming with creatures so ruthless,

so bloodsucking, so terrifying, they'll make your head spin.

My most recent discovery...

[dings softly]

[groans]

[laughing]

[metal clanging]

ZED!!!

I told you to make sure this thing was charged up.

Did you calibrate it properly, sir?

Calibrate it properly? I'll calibrate you!

But did you set it to inter-dimensional

instead of local?

[annoyed groan]

Of course I set it to inter-dimensional.

[yelps] Ah.

As I was saying.

The Pizzaverse!

The pizza what now?

Now say hello to...

[grunts]

A 367 topping pizza.

Now that's a pizza.

Ratchet, wait.

Disgusting.

No matter.

With this Portalizer, I can access

every corner of the multiverse.

Each dimension a smorgasbord of minions

to add to my nefarious ranks.

[enthusiastically] Hmm!

To help me conquer and rule all dimensions!

And it comes with this handy lanyard.

Lanyard.

Hey!

Ratchet and Clank? Seize them!

Ratchet, what the...

Oh.

Less talky, more escapey.

[growling]

There is no escapey!

Wait, is that even a word?

It is now.

[whirring]

See ya later, suckers.

[heavy thud]

[laughs]

Uh...

And we're back.

Somebody annihilate them!

[whirring]

[laser fire]

[grunting]

[metal crashing]

Enough slap and tickle. Find them!

There they are, sir.

Eh?

My Portalizer!

Noooo!!!!!

[TV audio] Lance: Oh Janice!

Janice: Oh Lance!

I don't care if you are my best friend's

evil twin brother...

Oooooo!!!!

[laughing]

Yes!

That was the best escape ever.

[laughing]

Uh-oh. A check sum of my coupon storage indicates an error.

I now have only nine units, not 10.

Really?

Oh wow.

I mean, you must have lost one of them

during our awesome escape.

Well, that's too bad.

It is far worse than bad.

With only nine coupons,

free pizza acquisition is no longer an option.

Oh, this never would have occurred if we did not detour

from our mission.

Nah, come on.

That was so cool though.

And now we get a great pie in the Pizzaverse.

My distress is not about the pizza, Ratchet.

It is about my failure to complete a numerical task.

You want numbers?

How about 367 layers of deliciousness?

Stop this, Ratchet.

This device is too unpredictable .

Pizzaverse, here we come.

[zapping]

[gasps]

It's... so... beautiful.

[thuds]

Hey, pizza?

No, come back!

Wait, Clank, what are you doing?

Initiating control override.

What?

Cut!

It!

Out!

Portaling into an unknown dimension

could imperil the entire galaxy.

[grunting]

All that to procure a pizza?

Yeah, with 367 toppings.

Now give me back the control of my ship!

Ratchet.

You have ignored all of my requests today,

so now I am the operating system.

I will return control

once we safely deliver this Portalizer to the authorities.

This is about you losing that coupon, isn't it?

No.

It is about me protecting our galaxy.

[laughs]

Yeah now, you know what I mean.

You and your number and functions and rules.

Blech! Yuck!

I mean, it's amazing we get anything done

when someone keeps getting his .

Invalid data.

I do not wear undergarments.

Metal or otherwise.

Once this device is safe in the Galactic Weapons Museum,

we shall return to our quest for pizza.

Cosmic Crust barely qualifies as pizza,

and every time you eat it, you .

Ahhhhhh!!!

Ugh!

That guy.

You're fired and take this with you!

You can't fire me.

I am Captain Qwark.

The galaxy's greatest hero.

You need me more than I need you.

[mooing]

Huh?

[mooing]

Wha?

[mooing]

[sobbing] Oh, come on.

Just give me another chance.

I can be a sassy pizza cow.

Moooo!

Ulch!

Whenever we run into this doofus,

he messes everything up.

He annoys you, does he?

Hmm.

Oh, Captain Qwark,

could you please accompany us to the Weapons Museum?

Clank, what are you doing?

It is like you said earlier.

[plays recording] Come on, Clank. This will be fun.

A weapons museum?

Sounds like you're on an important mission

to safeguard the galaxy.

And keeping us all safe is what I do best.

[gasps]

[engine roars]

Huh?

[loud explosion]

[gasps]

Come on, citizens. Nothing to see here.

[growls]

Ugh, such a bad idea, Clank.

[giggling]

Where'd that idiot run off to, anyway?

Sorry guys.

Almost forgot my associate.

Never leave a man behind.

So, what's so special about your ?

It is a multi...

Nothing!

It's um, a Tedium Sorter.

It tediously catalogues your most boring memories

into different shades of beige.

Yee-awn.

Whew.

Actually, it is

a multi-dimensional access tool

with the power to wreak havoc

on the very fabric of time and space.

[bell dings]

Mm? Ooooh, that sounds like fun.

But it's got to be protected

so it won't fall into the wrong hands.

Right, Clank?

Indeed.

Device security has been my goal

ever since you carelessly deployed it

to acquire a 367 topping pizza from the Pizzaverse.

A pizza with 367 toppings?

That's way better than Cosmic Crust.

I wonder if they need a new spokesmodel.

I, I mean uh, right this way.

Welcome to the weapons vault!

The most secure part of the museum,

thanks to dedicated guards like Bruce here.

[disgusted groan] Ulch!

All your favorite weapons are right here.

Oh my.

The Buzzblade.

The Warmonger.

The Biobliterator.

Hey, watch it!

[loud zapping]

Whoops! My bad, Bruce.

[laughs]

[zapping]

[groans weakly]

Of course that pales in comparison to this baaaad boy.

[zapping]

[bleats]

Come on, don't say that.

Words hurt.

Hmm.

Perhaps we should secure the Portalizer now.

Once we initiate the upload procedure,

it will be catalogued and securely stored.

Good. We don't need any more distractions.

Distractions?

There are plenty of distraction weapons in this vault.

For long term distractions, nothing beats the Groovitron.

If you're caught in its blast radius,

you'll boogie the night away.

Need a quick distraction?

Try the Taunter.

[loud horn blaring]

But my favorite is... the Chimp-o-matic.

[laser fire]

[screeching]

[cymbals crashing]

No hard feelings, boys.

You'll be back to normal before you can say

"lucrative endorsement deal."

[groaning]

[laughs]

Faked 'em out with the old Chimp-o-matic.

Now let's see what this thing can do.

[zapping]

It's so beautiful.

Greetings, Pizzaverse.

Say hello to your new spokesmo...

[grunts]

[gasps]

[playful trilling sounds]

Well hello there, little pizza toppings.

You all look so happy and yummy.

Huh?

[screaming]

Same with you.

And you.

And you.

Blech! No one likes pineapple on pizza.

I am King Topping, supreme leader of the Pizzaverse.

Really?

Then you're just the one I need to speak to

about a unique branding opportunity.

Attack, toppings!

Destroy him!

[battle cries]

And do it Pizzaverse style.

With free delivery to his doom!

[toppings yelling]

Stop that!

[toppings growling]

Can this really be happening?

After years of eating pizza, will pizza now eat me?!

I can't believe he used the Chimp-o-matic on us.

I mean, who knows how much trouble he'll cause?

Ahhhhhh!!!!!

[thud]

Qwark!

What did you do?

Oh, nothing you two can't handle.

[screaming]

Resistance is futile!

Prepare to be annihilated.

A pineapple?

Apparently a very angry pineapple.

[yelling]

Destroy him!

[toppings shrieking]

I mean, who puts pineapple on a pizza anyway?

Statistically speaking,

the combination of sweet and savory flavors

are enjoyed by many.

Statistically speaking, I am not one of them.

And by the way, this is all your fault.

On the contrary, it is you, Ratchet,

who obtained and misused a Portalizer.

[grunts]

Whatever!

Let's pound these pizza punks before it gets any worse.

[toppings growling]

Furball and Scrappybot!

Return my Portalizer now, or suffer my wrath.

Or we can just cut to the wrath.

[lasers blasting]

It just got worse!

[explosions]

[screaming]

[grunts]

We sure could use that Portalizer right about now!

[heavy clanking]

Negative.

The Portalizer has proven to significantly decrease

our chances of survival.

[grunting]

If we just kept the Portalizer to ourselves,

none of this would've ever happened.

[toppings snarling]

But you, Clank, you had to bring us here.

And you, Ratchet, you suck.

Huh? What?

[vacuum whirring]

The suck cannon.

Thank you for your assistance.

[bleats]

I shall retrieve more gadgets from the Weapons Museum

while you suck.

No! I mean, that's what I thought you meant.

Sucks to be you.

[laughs]

[crashing]

[heavy clanking]

Let me pass,

or I shall deliver a disabling force upon your chassis.

[laughing]

Very well.

Holo-Knuckles activate.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[clanking]

[laughs]

[yelps]

[screams]

[clanking]

Ugh!

[chuckles]

[groans]

Hmm.

Nothing to fear, citizens.

Captain Qwark has got things under control.

Qwark, where's the Portalizer?

I've got my top man on the job.

He guards all of my important stuff.

Hey!

[grunts]

Huh?

No! Don't leave me!

Never leave a man behind!

[sobs]

[grunts]

[engine whirring]

Come on, Clank.

We gotta speed this up.

[chattering]

[laughing]

Ratchet, raise your cranium.

What?

Heads up.

The Groovitron?

I've determined that this weapon

will provide the greatest probability of success.

[grunts]

Well, it's better than nothing.

Get ready to shake your groove thang.

[disco music] ♪

[laughing]

♪

Woo-hoo!

Way to bring on the boogie, Clank, thanks.

No, it is I who should upload e.

Yeah, well, good things happen when we work together.

Agreed.

And I accept your apology.

Oh no, see, that wasn't an apology.

Yes. It was.

No, I...

[laser fire]

They have upgrade their defenses.

But we can enter the facility here.

Okay.

But how do we even get close enough to reach that?

I mean...

Clank?

[laser fire]

Clank, what are you doing?

It is called pulling a Ratchet.

Entry port located.

Nice move, buddy.

You're almost there.

Just a little to your right.

[metal clangs]

Ooh, too much.

[groans]

Oh... so much for improvising.

[groans]

You crazy little bot.

Just get inside and I'll create a diversion.

Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

[yelps]

Oh.

Look what the robots dragged in.

A cat.

Here, kitty kitty.

Actually they carried me in, and I'm a Lombax.

Don't interrupt me while I'm taunting you!

Totally different species.

Shh.

Just saying.

Silence!

You are what I say you are, and I say you are doomed.

[cackling]

[whispers] Clank, you made it.

Huh?

Did you say something, furball?

Oh uh, yeah.

I said, "it'd be great to see

"some more of your evil product launch."

Well, I really do love my evil product launches.

Zed!

[yelps]

[electronic dance music] ♪

Ulgh!

Behold, a revolution in evil tech.

I present to you...

[record scratches]

Cardboard Qwark?

Return my Portalizer,

you pathetic promotional item gone awry.

Oh. My pizza coupon.

Ooh!

Scruffybot.

Ow, woah, woah.

I should've known you wouldn't .

For interrupting my product launch,

you will be the first to suffer a very painful annihilation.

Any last words?

Hmm, no words, only a series of letters and numbers.

Hmm.

SV-604.

[gasps]

[fanfare]

Backup gloves.

[laser charging]

Now you've ruined my product launch!

[yelping]

And you're ruining my space statio-

[TV audio] Lance: Jat friend's evil twin brother.

I'm his... evil clone!

Janice: I don't care if you're an evil clone.

Just hold me tight and never let me go.

[laughing]

Wait, Ratchet.

We have to go back.

Why?

So you can get this?

[gasps]

My pizza coupon.

Grabbed it on the way out.

You didn't think I'd forget about you fulfilling

system requirements to achieve output goals, did you?

♪

[chomps]

How dare you?

[laughs]

You'll have to forgive Bruce, your highness.

It's his first day as a sheep.

We'll talk.

My people will call your people.

It's safe to come out now, citizens.

Captain Qwark has saved you all once again.

[bleats]

[cheering]

Yeah, thanks for saving us from a problem you created.

You're welcome, citizen.

Yeah, what a bonehead.

You know, I still can't believe you brought Qwark along

just to mess with me.

Yes.

Operation payback complete.

Now the Portalizer is secure as

and superheroes alike.

Goodbye, 367 topping pizza.

[sobs]

[chuckles]

And from hungry Lombaxs.

[engine roars]

Yeah, well, I guess a free Cosmic Crust pizza

is better than no pizza at all.

Make that free and numerically satisfying Cosmic Crust pizza.

[laughs]

Clank: Proximity alert.

[crashing]

Clank: You did that on purpose.

Ratchet: Sorry. Couldn't resist.

[TV audio] Lance: Oh, Janice.

Janice: Oh, Lance. Kiss me.

[growling]

[TV Audio continues] -Oh, Janice! -Nooo!

Oh, Lance.

♪