Original subtitles

[ Vendor ] Red hots! Right here!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Get your dogs here! Get your dogs!

♪ [ Organ ]

Right here, red hots!

[ Cheering Continues ]

Nice and hot!

Red hots. How about some red-hot peanuts?

Peanuts. Get your peanuts here. [ Cheering ]

Go, go, go, go!

Safe!

[ Announcer ] Now batting for the Cardinals,

number 14, Stanley Boyer.

Come on.

We missed four innings.

Like I said, I had to stop and do some business.

Here. Sit down.

Hey, you, usher. Can I talk to you a second?

[ Usher ] Yes, sir.

- [ Whispering ] - Sure, no problem.

Gil, this is Stan. He's going to watch you for a while.

I have some friends I'm meeting.

I'll meet you right here by the ninth inning.

Have fun, kid.

[ Vendor ] Get your programs here. Get your programs. Programs.

So, Gilly, big baseball fan?

- Kind of. - Yeah? Dad bring you here a lot?

Once a year on my birthday.

Then he pays an usher to watch me.

Oh, I see.

Look, you have to understand.

My father, in his own childhood,

was without a positive male influence.

Huh?

His own father kicked him out when he was 15.

My dad was taught to see child-raising as a job, a burden,

a prison... rather than a playground.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You don't talk like a kid.

- I'm not really a kid. - You're not a duck.

This is a memory of when I was a kid.

I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own.

[ Bat Cracks ]

You don't really even exist.

You're an amalgam. A what?

A combination of several ushers...

my dad left me with over the years.

I've combined them into one memory.

Why?

This was a great symbolic moment in my life--

my father dumping me with you.

That's why I swore things would be different with my kids.

That's my dream--

strong, happy, confident kids.

That's great. That's great.

You know, you-- you got a lovely family,

and I'm a goddamn amalgam.

[ Woman ] Gil?

Who's that?

That's my wife.

Nice.

Gil.

Yeah?

The game's over, honey.

[ Announcer ] The St. Louis Cardinals...

wish to thank you for attending today's game.

Please drive home safely and soberly. Oh. Uh, let's go.

Come on, Justin. You want to walk?

- Come on, Justin. - Let's walk.

It's fun. Let's walk.

Sure you don't want to walk? There we go.

♪ I was born to make you happy ♪

I'll get it. I'll get it.

♪ I think you're just my style ♪

Yeah. There's your pennant.

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ I'm tellin' everyone I know ♪

♪ Baby, I love to see you smile ♪

♪ Don't want to take a trip to China ♪

♪ Don't want to sail up the Nile ♪

♪ Wouldn't want to get too far ♪

♪ From where you are ♪

♪ 'Cause I love to see you smile ♪

[ Horn Honking ]

Come on. Watch it. Watch it.

Here we go. Watch the car.

Watch it. There's so many cars.

Here we go.

Want me to put you down?

♪ Like a sink without a faucet ♪

♪ Like a watch without a dial ♪

Where is that kid? Where is she?

- Daddy! - Oh! There she is!

♪ I love to see you smile ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

[ Gil ] Backseat. Buckle up.

♪ The winter or the fall ♪

[ Girl ] Kevin, hurry up.

♪ The only place I want to be ♪

♪ Is where I can see you smile at me ♪

[ Woman ] Honey, Taylor.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! [ Yelps ]

[ Giggling ] You're a rat.

♪ Make it all worthwhile ♪

♪ What would I do ♪

♪ If I didn't have you? ♪

♪ Just love to see you smile ♪

♪ I love to see you smile ♪ Whoa!

♪ I love to see you smile ♪

[ Boy ] ♪ When you're slidin' into first ♪

♪ And you're feelin' somethin' burst ♪

♪ Diarrhea ♪

♪ When you're slidin' into third ♪

♪ And you lay a juicy turd ♪

♪ Diarrhea ♪

♪ When you're slidin' into home ♪

♪ And your shorts are full of foam ♪

♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea ♪

♪ When you're sitting in your Chevy ♪

♪ And your shorts are feeling heavy ♪

♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea ♪

Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?

Last summer at camp, Mom.

Ah, that was money well spent.

[ Children ] ♪ When you're slidin' into first ♪

♪ And you're feeling something burst ♪

♪ Diarrhea ♪

That's what you're going to sleep in?

You'll get cold.

Perfect.

Gil, Taylor isn't feeling well. She wants you.

It's those hot dogs. I'll deal with Kevin and Justin.

What do you say later, when the kids are asleep,

I wear this outfit?

She's in our bed.

[ Imitating Gunshot ]

Hi, Daddy.

What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?

Mm-mmm. You feel like you want to throw up?

Okay. [ Retches ] [ Gasps ]

Gil-- Oh, my God.

Oh, Taylor, baby. Oh, sweetie. [ Crying ]

Gil, why are you just standing there?

I'm waiting for her head to spin around. You'll be all right.

Oh. Can you come with me to see Kevin's principal on Monday morning?

Ooh. I love it when you talk to me about school and meetings.

Now talk to me about shopping.

No, I know. I'm sorry. Go on. Go on.

I just remembered now. I've been meaning to ask you, okay?

Fine. I'll be there. Okay.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I was a little tense before, but--

No, no. I mean with Kevin. Why are we going to see his principal?

Oh, um-- Oh, because his teacher said...

he's been making that face again.

[ Sighs ] What, this?

Yes, the tense face.

He makes that same face at Little League.

You know what his teacher asked me?

What?

If we'd ever taken him for a psychiatric evaluation.

What?

She was just asking.

Why, because he makes a face?

Has she ever looked in the mirror?

Well, you know, the face, the crying, the nervousness--

They mentioned the crying? Yeah.

You know, he doesn't really finish his work.

[ Inhales, Exhales ]

Hey, we'll talk to them on Monday.

Don't worry. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Come here.

Where was I? Mmm.

Here? Was I here... yet? Yeah. Yeah.

I was there already? Mm-hmm.

You know, that really pisses me off.

Kid's a little different, a little special,

needs a little more attention,

teacher's going to put a label on him-- "problem kid."

When we see Kevin's principal,

let's find out who his teacher's gonna be next year and make sure it's not one of these hysterics!

You're right, Gil. You know, Kevin's great.

He can't be that much of a problem.

Right.

Now if it was my sister's kid--

Garry.

Now there's a kid with problems.

Hi, Garry. You're up so early.

Yeah.

Where you going?

Out.

What's in the bag?

Nothing.

Garry, the whole family's coming over tonight.

There's a big surprise.

Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here, and Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen--

They're bringing their kids.

Aunt Susie's gonna be here, and Uncle Nathan, their kids--

It was nice talking to you.

Julie!

Hey, Julie! Yeah?

Julie, can I come in for a minute? Yeah.

Julie, I really need your help.

The whole family's coming over tonight.

I don't know why. But the place is a mess.

Could you just give me a hand? In a few minutes.

Are you all right? I thought I heard you moaning last night.

I kinda had a stomach ache, but it's fine now.

- You hate me? - What?

For making you study so much and giving up your dates?

Uh, no. You were right.

I'm telling you, those S.A.T. scores are your ticket.

And, sweetie, once you get to school,

you're gonna meet a lot of guys...

that you like just as well as that Tod.

Why do you always say "that Tod"?

- It just sounds so-- [ Grunts ] - You're right. I'm sorry.

It's-- It's been pleasant for a moment.

Okay. I guess I'm just going to give everybody spaghetti and salad,

and I better cook a steak for my dad.

See you later, honey.

[ Sighs ]

Are you okay?

Oh, man, your mother can talk.

Gosh.

She hates my ass. It's such a cute ass.

[ Chuckles ] Last night she heard the moaning. She thought it was me.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

So you're going to have to try and control yourself, Tod.

With you...

it's impossible.

[ Moaning ]

[ Julie Laughing ]

No.

- Ooh, wait. - What?

- I brought something. - Ooh, good.

♪ [ Rock ]

We can record our love.

Susan? Hi, Sis. It's Helen.

Yeah, did I loan you my big platter?

Oh, great, great. I thought so.

Would you bring it tonight? I need it to serve.

Oh, listen, um,

Julie got 1291 on her S.A.T.'s.

[ Chuckling ]

I know. I know. I feel so proud of her.

It's great. How's Patty?

We're a little disappointed with the effort she's been giving lately towards her work.

Well, math, French--

Oh, everything's gone downhill.

Nathan's talking to her right now.

He's trying to figure out what's wrong.

Look, Patty, all I'm saying is...

if you want to have just an ordinary academic career...

and attend an ordinary university, that's your prerogative.

But I must tell you, I think you're selling yourself way short.

How's it going?

I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though...

we want it more than she does.

Patty, you know we love you.

Could you give your father that little extra effort he's looking for?

Okay, Mama.

That's all I ask.

- [ Toy Gun Firing ] - Come on, Kevin, I got you.

[ Groans ]

- Come on back, Kevin. - No!

Kevin! Taylor? Time to come in now, children.

- Okay. - Okay, Grandma.

Hey, hey! You want to not--

Grandma. Hey, Gil, you have a good memory.

Was it yours or Helen or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?

It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

Well, which one did I punch the band leader?

That was mine. We have photos.

I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

[ Chuckles ] [ Mock Laughter ]

You think he's funny, huh?

Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't this funny.

Stayed in his room all day.

Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.

Gee, I-- I wonder why.

Remember that little guy who wouldn't leave my side?

- I know. - Now if I take a step towards him,

he just takes a step away.

I don't know what's happening to him.

He's just so unhappy, and he won't talk to me,

and I don't know how to help him.

Did you ever consider having Ed talk to him?

Are you kidding?

He won't even acknowledge he's got these kids,

now that he's got his new wife and his new kids.

He won't even fix my kids' teeth anymore.

He says it makes him uncomfortable. Geez.

Yeah, I wish he'd drop his drill down his pants.

Are you seeing anybody?

Well, Garry's biology teacher asked me out.

Biology? That's promising.

Oh, no, no, no. He's not the type I usually go for.

"The Penal Colony," by Franz Kafka.

Hey, Nathan, Patty a doctor yet?

- Mock if you will. - All right.

Our children are more capable of retaining and absorbing information than we are,

yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons.

What are you saying, Patty can learn things I can't learn?

Patty, which one of these...

is the square root of 8,649?

Ninety-three.

They're like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb.

I want this.

You see? Take my advice.

Forget about Kevin and Taylor. It's too late.

Work on Justin.

Actually, Justin is quite bright.

In his preschool class, he was the only--

Slow down, Justin. I'll get you some dip.

Oh, you remember that guy you went out with in college, Jeffrey Sanders?

You know, he always chased me out of the room whenever he came over.

- Oh, yeah. - I saw him today.

- What a loser, huh? - In a Rolls.

I meant me.

What is that?

Oh, Nathan and Patty and I are "power eating."

We bring our own food everywhere.

Nathan turned me on to it, and I never felt better.

[ Karen ] Where do you get that stuff?

This is it. Everybody in the living room. This is the big surprise.

[ Karen ] Okay, Frank.

Oh, Larry! My baby.

Ah! You look great.

Dad! Hiya, Son!

- [ Frank ] Great to see you! - Oh, shit!

Well put.

Who's that?

That's my kid brother, Larry, your uncle.

- Don't give him any money. - I won't.

Just a little something for being the best dad in the world.

I found it a couple of months ago.

For your collection.

[ Justin ] A toy car! Oh, this is great! A Stutz!

[ Larry ] Yeah. You got it, spend it on the people you love.

Right?

Is this Grandma?

Yeah. She's still alive.

[ Grandma ] Oh!

[ Laughing ] Mmm!

Jesus, Grandma, you got short.

I'm shrinking.

[ Scoffs ] Bummer.

Gilbo.

Larry. [ Chuckling ]

How long's it been, three years? About that.

You stopped wearing your turban. [ Laughing ]

Yeah.

My God, Susan, you look great.

If you weren't my sister--

Helen...

I know it's been hard.

[ Boy ] Dad?

You were supposed to wait outside so I could introduce you.

Well, why don't you do it now, Larry?

Everybody...

this is my son, Cool.

Did he say Cool? Cool.

Your son? It's a long story.

Let's eat.

[ Chattering ]

Keep Patty away from my brother.

He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.

Cool is adorable. Adorable.

Why didn't you ever write us you had a son?

I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago.

See...

a few years ago, I was living in Vegas...

with this girl-- showgirl.

She was in that show Elvis on Ice.

Anyhoo, we drifted apart...

as people do in these complicated times.

And then a couple of months ago,

she shows up with Cool,

tells me, "You watch him. I shot someone.

I have to leave the country."

That's a parent? [ Chuckles ] Huh.

Anyway, we're back in town because I've got something really huge cooking.

Enormo. Monster. Dad, this is it.

From now on, I'm going to be taking care of all of you.

This isn't another get-rich-quick scheme, is it, Larry?

What's wrong with getting rich quick?

Quick is the best way to get rich.

Look who I'm talking to. You ever see her family?

They find a nickel, they huddle together and bury it like squirrels.

Hmm!

What's the deal? What do you have going?

Has anyone heard of hydroponics?

Well, that's great, Larry.

Hydroponics is the growing of plants without soil.

It's very exciting.

What are you using, coarse sand or suspension hydroponics?

[ Scoffs ] I don't--

Hey. There's a guy with glasses...

and a lab coat that makes that decision.

I make the deal.

And I got to thinking,

Cool's had no kind of life, no family.

So while I'm locking this thing down,

it would be nice if we stayed with you.

- With us? - Couple of weeks.

The thing is, Larry,

we don't have the big house anymore.

We didn't need it.

We just have the one bedroom for us and one for Grandma.

Well, Grandma's welcome to stay with us a while.

I think it'd be valuable for Patty to have a multigenerational influence.

Fine with me.

Well, I'll have to give you a list of her medications.

There's when, and how much. You'll have to pick up her shower chair.

There's the batteries for her hearing aid,

magnifying glass for reading--

- Oh. - [ Gil ] Oh, geez.

- What happened? - [ Frank ] Your mouth used up all the power.

[ Gil ] Don't worry, Dad. We can still find the bar.

- [ Helen ] I'll get a flashlight. - [ Gil ] I'll get it, Sis.

- [ Kevin ] Mom, Dad, what happened? - Where is it?

It's in the nightstand. Mom, Dad! What happened?

[ Karen ] Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin! You know I don't like it in the dark.

[ Nathan ] Patty, this is a blackout. It's a temporary interruption...

in the electrical supply of the home.

It's okay, honey. Something's busted.

Where's the switch? [ Chattering ]

[ Helen ] Bring it here.

- Oh, here it is. - [ Buzzing ]

What is this?

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Mommy, what was that?

That was an electric ear cleaner.

It was kind of big. It sure was.

[ Bicycle Bells Dinging ]

[ Gil ] I don't think you have to worry about it.

The point is, once they see us,

then they'll realize we're fine, and then the kid is fine.

It's not something--

Gil, Karen,

I think we're going to have to be very careful...

about Kevin's educational environment.

Absolutely.

With that in mind, I don't think Kevin should come back here next fall.

I'm going to recommend that he be transferred...

to a school that offers special education classes.

You mean because he's so smart?

Well, actually, I mean a class...

for children with emotional problems.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

You must be the Buckmans. I'm Dr. Jeffrey Lucas.

Dr. Lucas is a child psychologist.

He's been observing Kevin for the last couple of months.

Why?

Mr. Buckman, this is a public school.

Thirty-eight kids to a class.

We estimate that Kevin's teacher spends at least...

20% of her time dealing with Kevin.

That class is going to finish the year behind. It isn't fair.

[ Dr. Lucas ] Kevin is a very sweet, very sensitive,

extremely tense little boy.

He needs some special attention.

It's 'cause he was first. Hmm?

It's because he was our first.

I think we were very tense when Kevin was little.

If he got a scratch, we were hysterical.

By the third kid, you let them juggle knives.

[ Dr. Lucas ] On the other hand,

Kevin may have been like this in the womb.

Recent studies indicate these things are all chemical.

She smoked grass.

Gil!

I never smoked when I was pregnant.

In college you were like a chimney.

I thought you were gonna join a reggae band. Fifteen years ago.

There could've been chromosome distortion.

Well, you let them do anything.

You let them watch TV just like that.

So we'll throw the TV's out, put the TV's in the garbage.

You and I, we'll perform works from Shakespeare or--

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little thrown off by this.

[ Dr. Lucas ] Gil, Karen,

you should not look upon the fact...

that Kevin will be going to a special school...

as any kind of failure on your part.

No. I'll blame the dog.

In an educational environment...

that's more sensitive to his needs--

All right, look. First of all,

Kevin is not going to a special school.

Whether it's right or not, there's a stigma.

People are cruel, especially children.

I won't subject Kevin to that kind of cruelty.

If we have to, we'll send him to a private school.

I don't care what it costs. I'll get a second job.

Mr. and Mrs. Buckman,

this is a problem that won't just go away.

If we need to, we'll send Kevin to a private therapist.

That's right.

Look, it's a problem. We're aware of it.

But we're his parents. We can handle it.

Well, um,

the next school year is four months off,

so let's see what can be accomplished, hmm?

Thank--

No! Tod! Tod.

I need to see. No. Not in the street. Please, please.

What is this?

It's the party celebrating my mother's promotion at the bank.

Give me that.

Excuse me. This is the wrong batch. This is my mother's.

There should be another envelope for Buckman.

Okay.

That was picked up already.

By who?

[ Whimpering ]

I-- I-- I--

I think this one is my favorite.

This is just--

It's just for fun, Mom.

Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job.

That's that Tod, isn't it?

There's one where you can see his face.

Is that what bothers you?

That I did those things, or that I did them with Tod?

Gee whiz, Julie, there's so many things that bother me about this.

I don't know how to separate them.

Oh! Whoo!

Here's something for my wallet.

Tod is very important to me.

And we've got the pictures to prove it.

- Mom-- - This is your room.

You did these things right here in my house?

I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex.

I mean, with something that doesn't require batteries.

What did you say to me?

Goddamn it, you get back here!

Open this door, goddamn it to hell!

I would just like a little respect!

Not a lot. Just a little.

Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery?

Because your father left to have a party...

and I stayed to raise two kids!

And I have no life!

Goddamn it!

What are you doing?

I'm leaving before we say things we'll regret.

You're going to say something worse than the battery remark?

Tod and I are in love.

It's not going-steady love, it's love.

I need him. He's my life.

He touches me, and I quiver.

Oh, would you give me just a small break?

See? You can't handle it.

Tod's working now. We'll find a place to live somewhere.

Hi, Garry. Hi.

I'm moving out, Garry. Bye.

See? You've upset your brother!

Julie, I'm telling you,

if you walk out of this house against my wishes,

don't ever think about coming back here.

Fine.

[ Sighs ]

Julie?

Julie! Honey?

Honey, I'm always here if you need me.

Sweetheart. Honey, be careful.

If you want anything, just call me.

Julie.

Bye.

Ah, man!

Incredible! Just incredible. [ Chuckling ]

I knew you'd be the one who'd appreciate this.

[ Gasps ] Three years.

Every night. Every weekend.

I had dinner out here.

It was a piece of junk when I found it. Mm-hmm.

First time I got laid was in a car like this.

[ Both Chuckling ]

Frank? What?

Cool just finished lunch.

I'll call the newspaper.

I thought you and Larry could take him somewhere.

I am showing Larry my car.

Just plop him down in front of the TV.

That's what he always does.

Wasn't that Super Bowl incredible?

Right down to the last minute?

Amazing.

They're usually not that close, huh? Oh, no.

Usually the winning team covers the point spread.

Usually you can count on it.

Yeah. Take a beating? No, thanks. I already took one.

[ Laughing ]

Anyway,

I had to pay off, and it's left me a little--

What do you need? Huh?

Ah, come on. Don't insult me.

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Come on, come on.

Putting together a deal, you've got to look like you can piss with the big boys.

You see? You know.

How much?

Couple thousand. 3,000, tops.

3,000?

Tops.

[ Karate Yells ]

- Asah. - Oos, sensei.

Good. You see, Grandma,

Patty studies Eastern philosophy.

Our future leaders are going to be more in tune with the Oriental mind.

Okay, sweetie, one more time.

Nathan, guess what. Oh, you're home early.

- [ Susie ] Yeah, I have good news. - What?

[ Shrieks ]

What's up?

I'm going to teach summer school classes.

That means we'll have vacation money. Oh, that's great.

- Mexico? - Sí, sí.

Gil and Karen are going to take Patty. I just want to call them.

Gee, I'm really not too pro...

on Patty spending a week with Gil.

Why not? They offered.

I'm a little concerned about his jocularity.

He's a wonderful guy.

It's just he's a little lighthearted...

about things that I-- that we consider important.

She has fun over there.

You know, she scampers, she cavorts.

Hey, try this. We take Patty with us.

To Mexico?

It's a perfect opportunity to start her on Spanish.

It'll be fun.

Nathan...

I thought it would be nice if you and I could be alone.

We will be. We'll get two rooms.

Which one will I be in?

[ Nathan ] Patty? Venga aquí.

That means "come here" in Spanish.

Por favor. Please.

I want you to listen to something.

I got a tape of a mariachi band.

It's a native Mexican form of music.

♪ [ Mariachi ]

[ Elevator Dings ]

- Gil, good morning. - Hello, Cindy.

[ Knocking ]

When were you going to tell me?

Tell you what?

Lenny called this morning. He said they were wondering...

where I thought we should take Phil Richards to celebrate his partnership.

That Lenny is an asshole. Do you believe that guy?

Nobody was supposed to have that information until next month.

That partnership is mine.

You said it was held up by Ted's surgery,

and then when he got back, you'd make it official.

Look, I never said you didn't do great work. You do terrific work.

Every firm does good work.

Look, I know you're a lot smarter than Phil,

but the guy works like a Trojan.

He schmoozes clients. He brings in business.

He's here nights, weekends.

I own the guy.

That's what puts your name on the door.

This is really coming out of left field.

I've been here eight years.

I'm the backbone of the operation. I know that.

If I don't get this partnership,

I gotta think about going somewhere else.

[ Scoffs ] I gotta tell you, Gil.

I don't consider that a realistic idea.

Why? You go somewhere else,

you have to get in line behind guys who are younger than you,

who've been there longer,

who are more committed and are willing to work for less money.

Look,

this thing with Phil is not etched in stone.

I can jerk him along for the next month.

Why don't you use that time to give us your best shot?

Put in the hours. Dazzle me.

Dazzle you?

[ Sighs ]

Listen, Dave, I'm having a problem at home.

I really need to spend a lot of extra time with my son right now.

Then I don't know what we can do.

[ Video Game Sound Effects ] [ Gil ] Get this guy! Get this guy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get-- get-- get-- Oh!

Oh, well, they're bad dudes.

That's why they call the game "Bad Dudes."

Okay. I should go stay with the girls. Got enough quarters?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Dad? - Yeah?

How come I'm seeing a psychiatrist?

Yeah, we were gonna have a big talk about that.

- What's wrong with me? - Nothing.

Nothing. You're great.

- Then how come-- - Look.

Look.

You're a kid... like I was.

You have a lot of worries, that's all.

And these doctors, they're experts...

at helping people with their worries.

It's nothing to feel bad about.

Look, you're a great kid,

and I love you very much, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, you know what I think?

I think this is going to be a great summer for you.

Don't forget, you've got a birthday coming up.

Let's have a great party. That'll be fun, huh?

- Can we have Cowboy Dan? - Who?

Cowboy Dan, the gunfighting balloon man.

He was at Billy's party. He's cool.

Absolutely. It's a done deal.

This is your dad talking. Now you've got me excited.

Okay, now, what do we say when we see a cute eight-year-old girl walk by?

- Hubba-hubba. - Hubba-hubba. Okay.

Oh. Don't tell your mom I taught you that. It'd be bad. Let's go.

Wow!

- You like it? - Yeah.

It's good. It's shiny.

Yeah.

You know, it was junk when I found it.

The first time I got laid was in--

[ Snaps Fingers ] That's a story for another time.

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Grunts ]

Hi, Dad. Dinner ready?

What was that?

Huh?

Oh, some friends were just dropping me off.

Friends?

Friends slow down. They even stop.

[ Laughs ]

Dad, who was that--

[ Car Door Closes ]

[ Sobbing ] Oh, Mommy.

Sweetie, you're going to be okay.

Honey, why would you be panhandling?

I needed money for a place to stay.

Julie, you have a place to stay.

I'd have to tell you what happened.

What did happen?

I just said I didn't want to tell you.

- Did you leave that Tod? - Yes.

He promised me he was going to start a house painting business.

Then he said he changed his mind.

He's going to race dragsters with his brothers.

He can't even drive a regular car.

So his brothers came over, and we got in a fight.

He said, "No bitch is going to tell me what to do for a living."

God.

He told me he loved me.

Sweetie.

Oh, they say that...

and then they come.

Honey, what can you expect from a kid like that? Oh, Mom, back off.

The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

Men are scum.

I know.

I know, sweetie. Men are scum.

Hi, Garry.

Honey, Julie's home.

Great.

Come on, let's go eat lots of ice cream.

You want an ice cream soda?

No.

How about-- Do you want a hot fudge sundae?

- No. - You want a banana split?

Uh-uh.

- Want something like French fries? - Yeah.

- You do? - Julie!

Tod!

I thought I'd find you here.

What does that make you, Sherlock Holmes? I live here.

- You live with me. - [ Gasps ]

I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss...

and you lived in a tree!

Excuse me, I'm going to the movies.

You're not leaving until you hear what I have to say!

I'm not?

- Julie, come on! - Let go of me!

- Let her go! - Julie, listen to me!

Let her go! Goddamn it!

- Let her go! - Please, Mrs. Buckman, I love her.

- Let her go! - You can't run out on me. You're my wife!

If you don't let her go, I'm gonna call the-- You're his what?

His wife.

We got married a couple of days ago.

Are you out of your mind? God, Mom!

No, please, Ms. Buckman.

Julie, I didn't mean it.

- What? - I'm sorry.

My brothers were ragging on me. I couldn't back down.

But last night, I told them.

They mean nothing.

You mean everything.

Oh, Tod.

Christ.

Okay, look lively. You're doing great.

Shortstop, here it goes.

Pick it up. Easy. Now over to first.

That's right, that's the way to play.

That's good. You're beautiful.

You're a bunch of... wild, young bohemians.

Okay, let's go again. Second base.

Get down on it. Don't be afraid. It can't hurt you, Ben.

Here we go. Get down on it.

- Get down on it! - [ Boy ] Ow!

Wayne, get Ben some ice.

All right, we're going to need a new second baseman.

Which one of you outfielders wants to try?

Huh? Huh?

How about you, Kevin? You want to try second base?

- Okay. - All right!

Oh.

Oh, Matt, come on, none of that. We're a team.

Let's be a team. Get out there and hustle.

Let's go! Huh?

Hey, Kevin.

Remember-- the word is fun.

So just go on out there, and what you catch you catch,

what you miss you miss, okay?

- Okay, Dad. - Okay.

Way to go, Kevin!

And now it is my great pleasure...

to introduce our valedictorian,

Kevin Buckman.

Thank you.

You know, when I was nine years old,

I had kind of a rough time.

A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up,

but there was one person who got me through it.

He did everything right.

And thanks to him, today--

Well, I'm the happiest,

most confident,

and most well-adjusted person in this world.

Dad...

I love you.

You're the greatest.

[ Applause ]

[ Gil ] All right. All right!

Okay. One more out, guys. Let's go. Let's go!

How's your arm, Sean, not too tired?

Hey, Gil,

our boys finally going to win one game?

Way to be supportive, Lou.

- [ Umpire ] Safe! - [ Gil ] That's right, Kevin. Way to go!

Way to go, Tommy! All right, all right.

Adam, we got bases loaded.

We're only one run down. You can do it.

Get up there. Come on now.

[ Whispering ] Please, God, let them win one game.

Got it!

Oh, no!

You stink, Buckman!

He had no business being out there!

No business!

[ Lou ] No!

He had no business being out there!

Terrible!

Why did you make me play second base?

[ Screaming ]

- [ Man ] He's got a gun! - [ Gunfire ]

Someone's climbed to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!

It's Kevin Buckman!

His father totally screwed him up.

What's he yelling?

You made me play second base!

Kevin, I'm sorry!

I did the best I could.

Nice shot, Son.

It's important to be supportive.

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes!

♪ When you're sliding into home ♪

♪ And your pants are full of foam ♪

♪ Diarrhea ♪

Well?

Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?

To check.

To see if it's okay.

You didn't know I did that, did you? No.

Obviously not, or you wouldn't have tried this.

Are you accusing me of making that hole?

No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom,

opened the drawer with its little wing...

and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm.

I can't believe you would jeopardize our plans.

Remember what we read? A vast majority of truly exceptional people...

are only children or first-born with at least a five year separation between sibs.

We agreed-- No, you agreed.

And they're not sibs, they're babies.

- And I want another one. - So this is how you go about it?

By vandalizing a contraceptive device?

Because you won't discuss it with me.

I did discuss it with you, years ago!

- I think we were wrong. - I think we were right.

I'm not discussing it again.

Tod! Yeah?

Do you want me to cook you breakfast?

[ Tod ] No, thanks. Julie's going to do it.

Great. I'll get the fire extinguisher.

See you guys at dinner.

[ Buzzing ] Sweet Jesus!

What are you doing?

Are you joining the marines?

[ Laughing ]

I knew you'd make a thing out of this, Mom.

[ Helen ] Just clean up the hair.

[ Both Laughing ]

You ready, Garry? You want anything to eat?

How long are they going to be living here?

Not much longer, I think.

Well, I was just thinking,

it's getting pretty crowded here.

Oh, it's not so crowded.

There's a lot more room since they shaved their heads.

Well, I was just thinking...

maybe I could stay with Dad for a while.

What?

Well, I've been here a long time.

Maybe I should live with him for a while.

You want to live with your father?

Kind of.

Have you talked to your father about that?

No.

Not yet.

I thought I'd call him.

Honey...

you don't know your father like I do.

I don't know him at all.

What's his number?

Well, uh--

He'd be-- He'd be at work now.

So that's, um,

2-0-6...

5-7...

9-0.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Is Dr. Lampkin there?

His son.

N-No, Dad, it's not Joey.

It's Garry, your other son.

I need to ask you something.

It'll just take a second.

Wou--

Would it be okay...

if I stay with you for a while?

A few months?

Okay.

Oh, Andy. Shit.

He, um--

He didn't think it was such a good idea.

Oh, sweetie.

I've gotta go. Honey--

[ Kids Shouting, Laughing ]

- Gil! Gil? - Yes, Miles?

When's Cowboy Dan, the gunfighting balloon man, gonna be here?

Isn't that him? No!

That's the schmuck who brought the horse.

I don't think he's coming.

Yes, of course he is.

The man's a professional. You think he wants to put a blot...

on the entire balloon-bending profession?

Go on and have fun. We'll have some burgers and dogs in a second.

- Let's go watch the horse shit! - [ All ] Yeah!

Patty, why don't you play with Justin?

I don't understand what he's doing.

Well, he's... spinning.

What for?

[ Chuckles ] No reason. Just for fun.

It doesn't look like fun.

It isn't.

You tried it?

So does Julie have a nice place?

Oh, yeah. She has a lovely place.

She has my place.

She and that Tod are both living in my house.

Really?

Well, actually, it was my idea.

You know, otherwise she was going to quit school and get a job and--

I don't know. Maybe this way she'll still go to college.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Here we go.

The thumb trick. Ready? Watch my thumb. Ready? Watch it. Watch it.

- Whoa. - [ Kids Laughing ]

What are you doing? Thumb trick. Show her, Dad.

Okay. But this is the last time.

Here we go. Ready?

[ Screams ]

Justin's going to go full-time next year,

so everybody's asking when I'm going back to work.

Like I'm supposed to.

And I'm thinking about it.

I mean, I used to work. It was okay.

But, you know, I think I'm better at this.

I think I'm... sort of good at it.

But then people make me feel embarrassed...

like I don't have goals or something.

[ Sighs ] Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right?

- Oh, I don't know. - What does Gil say?

He says I should do whatever I want.

I could have killed him for that.

- What are you so upset about? - Nathan, she's weird.

She's a weird child.

I think a few days a week of preschool could be very helpful.

This is not the right age for Patty to be socially activated.

- We went through this. - She's not a bomb. She's a little kid...

who has no ability to relate to other little kids.

You want her to relate to him?

Help, help, help.

When I met him, I was a little wild.

I was a little out of control.

And he kind of... took me in hand.

I liked that.

He's very... commanding.

He got me into teaching. He got my shit together.

Boy, he really turned me on.

Really? I mean, of course, really?

Oh, Nathan and I used to be hot.

I know he doesn't look it, but--

I mean, we were like rabbits.

I used to give him, you know,

oral, you know,

on the highway.

What?

He was always trying to get a research grant.

And you thought that would help?

No. But--

I mean, he kept getting turned down.

He'd get real, real tense.

So if I saw him getting, you know,

really tense, I'd just...

lean over while he was driving.

- Susan. - Huh? What?

I spoke to your mother. Grandma wants to stay at Helen's for a while.

- Can you drive her there tomorrow? - Sure.

He likes to butt things with his head.

How proud you must be.

Here it is. Now it's right-- right there in front of you.

Careful now. Careful.

[ Cheering ]

Here. Take this off.

Now really try and hit it.

Yeah, really give it a good shot.

Give it a good whack. Really whack it!

Get your shoulder into it and whack it!

Now just kill it. Kill it!

[ Grunting ]

[ Chuckling ]

[ High-pitched Voice ] When I was born,

Grover Cleveland was president.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Where should I do it?

Who are you, and what are you going to do?

I'm from Party Time Entertainment.

I'm your stripper.

What's the birthday boy's name?

Because I paint it across my breasts.

Okay, it was a mix-up. I got Cowboy Dan's card, and he got mine.

I'm sorry. Good-bye.

Wait a minute, what about Cowboy Dan? He is coming?

He showed up at the lodge hall, and they were expecting me.

They beat him severely. So Cowboy Dan ain't coming.

Cowboy Dan's not coming?

Come on, Kevin. Hold it together. I knew it.

I told you. All the kids are going to hate me.

It's going to be just like Little League.

- Cowboy Dan is coming. - Gil!

He's coming. Cowboy Dan is coming.

Howdy, pardners.

You're Kevin's father. You're not Cowboy Dan.

- Yeah! - Boo!

That's right. They call me Cowboy Gil.

As in... guil-ty.

I saw Cowboy Dan.

I didn't like the look on his face.

It was like this. So I killed him.

I blew a hole in him this big.

- Oh! - That's too small!

Actually, it was about this big.

[ Kids Shouting ]

When I think about it,

that hole was about this big.

[ Cheering ]

Yeah, and his guts were spilled out all over the floor.

[ Laughing ]

As I was walking away, I slip around on his guts.

A couple other people came by,

and they started slippin' on his guts too.

[ Laughing ]

After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts,

afterwards I always like to...

make balloon animals.

[ Cheering ]

[ Chuckling ] That's mighty courteous of you.

Here we go.

[ Boy ] What is that?

- What's he doing? - I don't know.

Your lower intestines!

[ Cheering ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh, God, these little varmints!

Oh, you-- you dang kids!

Why, you little lily-livered lumps of cat meat!

[ Chuckling ]

Where's Cowboy Gil?

Ambush, you little four-footers!

[ Chuckling ] Ah! Oh, oh!

[ Whinnies ]

And here it is.

It's made with a quart of milk, two cups of sugar and three cow pies.

Come on and get it.

Will you get down off the horse before you hurt yourself.

Honey, I got to make a big exit.

That's Cowboy Gil's woman.

Take a bow, little lady.

Hi. Hi.

I sure hope when I mosey back this way one day,

you don't mind if I stop in and say hello.

[ Chuckles ]

I got to be moseying on back to Abilene.

Keep your powder and your pants dry.

Kevin,

I hope this is the best dang birthday you ever had.

Adiós, buckaroos.

Yippee ti-ya-hoo, ha-ya-hoo!

Giddyap, Thunder Thighs!

Adiós, buckaroos!

Don't try and follow me to Abilene.

[ Chuckles ]

Yippee-ti-ya-ha--

- [ Horse Whinnies ] - [ Crowd Gasps ]

[ Kids Cheering ]

- Bye-bye. - Your dad's the greatest!

- Good night, sweetheart. - Good night, Mom.

Did you have a nice birthday?

- Dad was funny. - He sure was.

Well, good night, nine-year-old boy.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Dad?

When I grow up,

can I work where you work?

Why?

That way we can still see each other every day.

Good night. I love you.

I love you too.

Mom?

- Huh? - Hubba-hubba.

[ Sighs ]

Garry?

Garry?

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman Grunting ]

[ Woman ] Let me out of here, mango face!

[ Susie ] Hello, Helen?

[ Woman On TV ] No! Oh, the door was unlocked so--

Oh, my God.

- What channel is this? - No, Gran, this is a tape.

She needs a man.

Hmm. Now.

Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this.

What's everybody doing in here?

Did you break my lock?

Susie, Gran, would you please go to my room?

- Sure. - One of those men...

reminded me of your grandpa, God bless him.

- Garry, listen to me. - How could you break my lock?

I came in here because I was afraid you were on drugs.

Why would you think that?

Because of what you did to your father's office.

- What do you mean? - He found your hammer.

Those were your initials burned into the handle.

- Someone must have taken it. - Oh, Garry, just don't.

Honey, you have all these feelings.

You're right to have all these feelings.

You're a great kid.

You're a great kid, honey.

You've just got a lousy dad.

And you've just got to learn to say the hell with him.

Actually, that's good advice for both of us.

The hell with him!

I don't know what to say about the tapes.

You know, well, I assume that you're-- you're watching these...

because you're curious about sex.

You know, or filmmaking.

Um...

is there anything you'd like to ask?

Who?

Me.

No, I don't blame you. What about Uncle Gil?

He's busy with his own kids.

Hi. Hi.

- Where's my wife? - She's still at school.

She's got cheerleading practice.

Bitchin'. So what's up?

Would you like to speak to Tod?

Could I speak frankly, no-holds-barred?

Please.

That is one messed up little dude.

[ Sighs ]

You sure we can talk straight?

Okay.

Um,

a few months ago,

Garry got his first boner.

You know what that is?

If memory serves.

Ah, great. Anyway, since then, he's been, uh...

slapping the salami.

- No offense. - No.

Apparently, he's going for a world record.

Chicken's burning.

Oh! Oh.

Damn. That looked good too.

Anyway, uh...

he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know?

Like he was a pervert or something.

I told him that's what little dudes do.

I mean, we've all done it.

That made him happy.

Garry was happy?

Yeah. He even smiled.

[ Chuckling ] I never even knew he had teeth.

I guess a boy Garry's age really needs a man around.

Yeah. Well-- Mmm.

It depends on the man.

I had a man around.

He used to wake me up in the morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head.

"Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast."

You know, Ms. Buckman,

you need a license to buy a dog,

or drive a car.

Hell, you need a license to catch a fish.

But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Well, I'm going to pick up Julie.

They're hassling her about her hair.

She does look kind of stupid.

I don't know what we were thinking about.

Tod?

Thanks.

♪ Don't you cry for me For I come from Alabama ♪

♪ With a banjo on my knee ♪

- Kevin wants to go! - How'd you go through those quarters so fast?

Another kid took Kevin's money.

- Shut up! - What kid?

Never mind. Never mind. Can we just go?

- It was that kid! - Never mind!

That kid? That kid's not bigger than you. Go back and get your money.

Dad, let me handle it, okay?

Kevin, do you want me to help you get your money back?

No! Can we just go? I want to go!

- Okay. - Okay?

That's a little kid. Justin can beat up that kid.

Shut up, okay? Will you just shut up?

[ Screaming ]

Oh, no!

- What's the matter? - I lost my retainer!

- Where? - Shh, honey.

- It's okay. - I put my retainer on the table.

- Just relax. - [ Kevin Sobbing ]

Kevin, it's okay, honey.

[ Woman ] It's his retainer. He lost his retainer.

It's all right. It's all right, sweetheart.

[ Sobbing ] Come on, sweetie. We'll find it.

[ Gil ] Ugh.

Oh, God.

- Here, let me. - Where are the kids?

Your folks are driving them home. They'll wait with them.

Oh, that's just what Kevin needs, time alone with my dad.

Yuck.

Let's just go.

Gil, they're $200. If you dropped $200 in here, you'd look, right?

[ Sighs ] Yeah.

Let's face it. He's getting worse.

He has his good days and he has his bad days.

Why is he so high-strung?

He's like a poodle.

Everything's blown out of proportion.

Where does he get this obsessive behavior?

I wish I knew.

They're going to put him in special ed.

Gil, what did you think?

That you'd dress up like a cowboy...

and coach Little League and Kevin would be fine?

No.

I mean, no, I didn't.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I did.

Well, honey,

you were really kidding yourself.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, when your kid is born,

it could still be perfect.

You haven't made any mistakes yet.

And then they--

they grow up to be like--

like me.

Oh, I'm going to be home late tomorrow.

How come?

[ Sighs ] I'm attempting to "dazzle" Dave.

I'm trying to put together...

a major income property thing...

for one of our bigger clients.

Has Dave said anything?

Thursday when I left for Little League, he said,

"Let's all thank Gil for stopping by."

I didn't take it as a good sign.

Well, let's just wait and see. Worrying isn't going to help.

God, I'm so tense.

You're tense right now, honey?

My back is tense. My neck is tense.

My ears are tense. It's like they're hot or something.

Maybe I could do something to help you relax.

I doubt it, honey.

I'd like to try.

[ Steam Hissing ]

I am so sorry.

It's all right, honey. It was my fault.

You just kind of took me by surprise.

So... how did this happen?

Show him, honey.

It's awfully late, Frank.

We need to get Cool right to bed.

He'll be all right.

Hi, Dad.

[ Indicator Chiming ]

Take the boy inside.

I couldn't resist. I had to take it out for a spin.

Purrs like a kitten.

You're probably wondering why I took it out without telling you.

I wanted it appraised so you'd know what it was worth.

Only they can't appraise it unless they have the paperwork--

the registration, the proof of purchase.

- You got those things around? - I'm not a schmuck!

You were going to sell my car.

Wha--

Sell--

Dad. Look, don't bullshit me anymore!

It belittles us both.

I want you out of the house.

Dad, they're going to kill me.

Bookies?

Friggin' basketball.

I had a lock.

This-- This miserable son-of-a-bitch rookie...

throws in a 50-footer at the buzzer.

It was a nightmare. It was like he reached into my chest and ripped out--

Aw, shut up!

How much do you owe? The truth now!

$26,000. Jesus.

Dad, I'm never gambling again, I swear to God.

But these guys mean business.

What about that 3,000 I gave you?

I took it to the track.

[ Sighs ] I wanted to run it up so I wouldn't have...

to hit you for the whole amount.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You're not a kid anymore. You're not stupid.

Dad, I can't get a break.

I have been so close so many times I could touch it.

Did you ever think about getting a job?

Oh, great.

Oh, that is just great.

What did you always tell me, huh?

"Make your mark. Make your mark.

Don't be one of the numbers. Make your mark."

You misunderstood me. You weren't listening.

Aw, come on!

If I called you up to tell you,

"Hey, Dad, I'm the new assistant sub-vice president...

of pencil sharpening at some crappy company,"

you're telling me you'd think that was great?

I am better than that!

I am not Gil!

Look.

I've made some mistakes.

I have to learn from them.

They're going to kill me, Dad.

With pain.

I'm your son.

Hydrogen.

Helium.

Carbon.

Excuse me. Honey, I don't mean to interrupt,

but I've made up some new cards.

Really?

That's great, Mommy.

I'm so glad you're back with the program.

Let's do your cards.

Uh, why don't I show them to you first...

and make sure they're appropriate.

Okay.

Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be back in two minutes.

How many seconds is that? 120.

Excelente.

"This is...

the only way...

I can get...

your attention."

Honey, this is really basic stuff. She's way beyond this.

"I'm leaving you."

You're leaving me?

"Yes."

Well, thank you.

I really had a great time.

It's been years since anybody's taken me to a carnival.

You thought that was a carnival?

That was my parents' house. [ Chuckling ]

You know, you're pretty funny for a biology teacher.

Thank you.

Would you like to come in?

- Sure. - Okay.

[ Both Shouting ]

- [ Helen ] Hi, guys. - Hey, Ms. B.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mr. Bowman.

- Knee drop! - [ Grunts ]

[ Shouting ]

That's a nice knee drop, honey.

- Want some coffee? - I'd love some.

The kitchen's right there.

- Can I ask you something? - Sure.

How come you finally decided to go out with me?

- My grandmother told me to. - [ Bowman Laughs ]

No, really, she's been staying with us.

Only it's a little crowded.

So tomorrow I'm taking her to my brother Gil's.

Hi, Julie. I would like to introduce you to Mr. Bowman. Tod!

Julie.

What's up? Did you get the Twinkies?

I found this in the trunk of your car.

You're racing again, aren't you?

Yeah. So what?

So you promised, that's what!

- I changed my mind. - You changed your mind.

- Yeah, I changed my mind! - What about house painting?

- I gave it up. - You gave it up?

That was your future.

Well--

[ Sighs ]

Dave and Rod kind of took all the equipment and split.

[ Sighs ] And I don't know where they are.

I told you not to trust those guys. Didn't I tell you?

I'm not as smart as you are, okay?

I didn't get 13,000 on my S.A.T.'s, okay?

- I'm stupid, okay? - Okay!

- Julie. - Butt out!

- Maybe I should leave. - [ Tod ] No!

Maybe I should leave.

What do you mean, "maybe"?

[ Garry ] Tod!

What is it with the women in this family?

They make all the men in this family want to leave.

[ Door Slams ]

Well, if he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy.

- Baby? - Your daughter's having a baby?

A baby?

You're going to be a grandma?

[ Laughs ]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm too young.

You know, grandmothers are old.

They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.

I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake!

I peed in a field!

I've hung onto the Who's helicopter as it flew away!

I was at Woodstock.

Oh, yeah?

I thought you looked familiar.

Gil, I've spoken with Ted and Dan,

and we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner.

Holy shit.

- I know you're upset. - Upset?

Haven't you seen the deals I've been putting together? I have been killing myself.

I mean, aren't you dazzled?

[ Chuckles ] You still don't get it, do you?

Phil has just brought in three...

brand-new multimillion dollar clients.

He has spent the last month...

wining and dining these guys, getting them laid.

He doesn't tell me about problems with his kids--

I'm not even sure if he has kids.

If this man's dick fell off,

he would still show up to work.

He is an animal. That's what dazzles. Not the work.

You can't do what he does.

You hate that shit.

- Now, Phil Richards-- - I quit!

- Oh, Gil. - Forget it.

Phil brought you some big clients. You're happy.

Oh, Gil.

I'm just going to call my clients, give them the news, and I'm out of here.

Friday's my last day.

- Don't make me a party. - Gil.

Dave.

[ Boy ] Let me have the ball!

- Gotcha! - Hey, this is not a playground, okay?

- Dad! - Not now.

Not now!

Knock it off!

God, I can't believe they did this.

Oh.

All right. The other kids got picked up.

Ours are watching a tape.

And Helen dropped your grandma off. Let's talk.

I quit my job.

Why?

They gave the partnership to Phil Richards.

Phil Richards. This is a guy who leaves his wife and kids,

then puts all his money in his girlfriend's name...

so they can't touch him for child support.

I mean, the guy is--

[ Sighs ]

Anyway, I couldn't stand it. I snapped.

Can you still change your mind?

What do you mean, change my mind? I quit.

I know, But did you say anything...

that would make it difficult for them to take you back?

Jesus, honey, I was hoping you'd be a little more supportive.

- It's not like-- - I'm pregnant.

What do you-- What do you--

Since when?

Since-- Since I-- I am.

I'm due in February.

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure.

How did this happen?

It was an accident.

Anyhow, this is why I'm saying maybe now,

this isn't the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job.

If you'd told me there was a chance of this happening,

I might not have quit in the first place.

You never told me there was a chance you might quit.

- It was a spur of the moment decision. - Pretty big one.

So what are you saying I should do,

crawl back to work and kiss Dave's feet...

and get my crappy job back?

I quit.

If I go back now, they've got me. I'm a eunuch.

[ Sighs ] You know, this puts a minor crimp in my life too.

I was thinking about starting work in the fall.

Now I can't.

Well, that's the difference between men and women.

Women have choices, men have responsibilities.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay.

Well, then I choose for you to have the baby, okay?

That's my choice.

You have the baby! You get fat!

You breast-feed till your nipples are sore! I'll go back to work!

All right. Let's return from la-la land,

because that ain't gonna happen.

And whether I crawl back to Dave or I get another job,

it's obvious I'm gonna have to spend less time at home.

I'm going to have to have business dinners,

and I'm going to have to play racquetball,

and I'm going to have to get guys laid.

So I hope you don't mind if I bring a few prostitutes home, honey,

because that's what it takes to get anywhere, and I'm not getting anywhere.

So whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me.

Why don't you just say what you're really thinking?

What am I thinking?

That I should have an abortion.

I didn't say that.

That's a decision every woman has to make on her own.

What, are you running for Congress?

Don't give me that.

I want your opinion about what we should do.

Let's pretend it's your decision, okay?

Pretend you're a caveman or your father.

What do you want me to do?

I want--

I want whatever you want.

Well, I want to have the baby.

Well, great!

Let's have it then.

Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up.

Hey, let's have five. Let's have six.

Let's have a dozen and pretend they're doughnuts!

I'm really happy about the way things are turning out, aren't you?

You know, with the frame of mind you're in,

not only am I not sure we should have another baby,

I'm not sure we should keep the three we've got.

I'm ready to discuss it. However I can't right now...

because I've got to go to goddamn Little League.

Ten boys are waiting for me to guide them into last place.

You really have to go?

My whole life is "have to."

Come on, Kevin, get your glove.

[ Kevin ] You said I didn't have to play anymore.

[ Gil ] I know what I said, but I'm changing my mind.

If I have to go, you have to go. Move it.

[ Gil ] Kevin, this one's for you.

[ All Groan ]

Get behind the ball. It's easier to come in.

Hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Karen said you were here.

Can I speak to you a second?

Yeah.

Hey, Wayne, can you take over a second?

What's up?

I need your advice.

Wait a second. My head is spinning.

Come on.

Look...

Larry needs $26,000,

or gamblers are going to kill him.

Jesus.

I'm supposed to decide whether to give it to him.

And you want my advice?

Why me? Why now?

Because I know you think I was a shitty father.

Thank you for not arguing.

And I know you're a good father.

So tell me, what would you do?

You got that kind of money? I got it.

It's going to hurt.

I wanted to retire next year. This will put that off for a while.

A long while.

[ Sighs ]

I never should've had four.

When you were two years old,

we thought you had polio.

You know about that?

Yeah, Mom once said something.

Yeah, well, for a week...

we didn't know.

I hated you for that.

- What? - I did.

I did. I-- I--

I hated having to go through that--

the caring, the worrying and pain.

It's not for me.

And, you know, it's not like that all ends...

when you're 18 or 21 or 41 or 61.

It never, never ends.

It's like your Aunt Edna's ass.

It goes on forever, and it's just as frightening.

That's true.

There is no end zone.

You never cross the goal line,

spike the ball and do your touchdown dance.

Never.

I'm 64.

Larry's 27.

And he's still my son.

Like Kevin is your son.

Do you think I want him to get hurt?

He's my son.

Hey.

Come on. [ Clears Throat ]

Ah, I'm all right. I'll figure it out.

Hey.

[ Sighs ]

Who's to say who's a shitty father?

Kevin's in therapy.

We got called to school last year...

because Taylor was kissing all the boys.

Justin keeps ramming things with his head.

My career is in the shithouse.

You worry too much.

You always did. [ Chuckles ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Gil ] Okay, let's go. Let's get them.

Let's get this one. Come on, you can do it.

We only need one more out!

Can't you even field a ground ball?

Matt, I'm not going to warn you again.

One more comment and you're out of there. I don't care what happens.

What are you yelling at him for?

He's the only player you've got.

Hey, Matt! We need one more out, Son.

Wherever it's hit, you go for it.

It's the only chance you have to win.

All right. Come on now. Don't blow it!

[ Gil ] All right. No big deal. No big deal.

One more out. Come on, just relax.

Relax and concentrate. Let's go.

One more. Let's go.

Oh, shit.

Get it, Matt!

- He's out of there! - [ Cheering ]

[ Frank ] I'm going to help you.

Oh, Dad.

Now, we see these gangsters.

We agree to pay them $1,000 a month.

They're businessmen.

They'll see something is better than nothing.

Then...

Monday morning, 8:00 a.m.,

you come to work with me at my place.

I'm going to teach you the business.

Plumbing supplies.

And in a few years, I'll retire, and you'll take over.

Meanwhile, as long as you're working,

and if you agree to go to Gamblers Anonymous,

I'll keep paying your debt.

That's it.

Okay.

Okay.

Let me just add a wrinkle.

About an hour ago, I got a phone call...

from an associate in Chile.

Big opportunity.

Platinum.

Why don't I just toddle off down there for a couple of months,

see if it pans out.

If it does, great. If not,

we put the Frank Buckman plan into effect.

Sound good?

Sure.

Great.

Oh, uh,

I could use a little--

2,000 enough? Ample.

Ample.

Well, I better pack.

- What about Cool? - Huh?

Oh, Jesus.

That's a tough one.

This is not really the kind of trip that--

Listen, how about if--

Don't worry about it.

My dad's going away.

Yes.

He's leaving right away.

Yes.

Is he ever coming back?

No.

Would you like to stay here with us?

Yeah.

Good.

Good morning, Mrs. Haffner.

Hi, Michelle. Susan, I need to talk to you.

Not now, Nathan. I have a class.

I want you to come home.

This is bad for Patty. She can't concentrate. [ School Bell Rings ]

I gotta go. No, wait.

Let me go. Listen to me.

It's bad for me too.

I love you, Susan.

Those are words. They don't solve anything.

I can compromise. I can change.

Nathan, I don't think you're capable of change.

[ Chattering ]

Okay, come on, we're way behind...

because of yesterday's bomb threat.

So let's get going.

[ Nathan ] ♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you are near? ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be close to you ♪

Nathan, please, I'll lose my job.

♪ Why do stars twinkle in the sky ♪

♪ Every time you walk by? ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be close to you ♪

We're trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs.

♪ On the day that you were born ♪

♪ The angels got together ♪

♪ And decided to create a dream come true ♪

This was the song from our wedding.

♪ So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair ♪

♪ And golden sunlight in your eyes so blue ♪

It's a wedding kind of a song.

♪ That is why all the guys in town ♪

♪ Guys in town follow you ♪

♪ Follow you all around, all around ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be close to you ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

Nathan, you're crazy.

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

Susan, I love you. Please, come home.

[ Murmurs, Applause ]

[ Announcer ] They have a clean start.

[ Announcer Continues, Indistinct ]

How's it look?

Looking hot.

Looking damn hot.

Mom!

Mom, hurry. He's over there. He's going to kill himself.

Julie, I'm not his mother.

- Please, Mommy, I'm so scared. - Now I'm Mommy.

He's trying to prove something.

[ Announcer ] Competing in the first round eliminator,

on the grandstand lane, we have Theresa Vega.

Oh, God. He's already going.

In eight seconds, he's going to be a legend.

Challenging her on the tower lane,

newcomer Tod Higgins.

It's a clean start.

[ Announcer Continues, Indistinct ]

He's hit the guardrail. He's out of control.

- Oh, my God! - Come on!

[ Announcer ] Terrible crash.

[ Garry ] Tod!

Tod!

Tod!

Get this thing over. One...

- two... three! - Get him out of there!

[ Man ] Back up. Give him some room.

Easy, easy.

Did I win?

Oh, my God.

- Are you okay? - I'm all right.

We'll get you to first aid, make sure, all right?

- My brother's car. - It's okay.

- I killed the car. - We'll take care of it.

- Julie, come on. Let's go. - I can't.

- What? - I can't.

This is too intense. This is-- This is marriage.

Now let's get in the truck.

[ Helen ] Come on, let's go!

Can you do that again next week?

- The crowd loved it. - Yeah, sure.

That's a good job for me-- crash dummy.

[ Helen ] Stop that.

- You're very important. - Yeah? Why?

Why? Because you're going to be...

the father of my grandchild, that's why.

I love you.

I love you too.

[ Julie ] I was so scared.

You, like,

saved their marriage.

That was really cool.

Yeah, well, I give them six months.

Four, if she cooks.

You don't think they're going to make it?

Well, you know, honey, the odds aren't good.

Then why did you say all that?

Why did you try to keep them together?

Because Julie wants Tod.

Whatever you guys want, I want to get for you.

That's the best I can do.

I'm glad you're going out with Mr. Bowman.

Yeah, why?

Well, he's funny,

and he's the kind of guy that would be nice to you.

Somebody should be nice to you.

I tell you, kid,

I could stand that.

Yeah.

- Can we tape over Susan's wedding? - [ Karen ] No!

What are we supposed to tape over?

Mom, my ears are loose.

Oh, gimme. I'll fix them.

Your pants are on backwards. Go upstairs and turn them around.

Tell Grandma we're leaving. She's still playing Nintendo.

You know your lines? Daddy, I don't have any lines.

- I'm Dopey. - I'll say.

Hey.

Kevin, take Justin outside and put him in his car seat.

I have to do everything. Come on, shrimp.

Hey.

And I'm the one in therapy.

[ Chuckles ] [ Justin ] I'm not a shrimp.

I love you.

I love you too.

No.

I mean, I really love you.

I love you too.

Dave called. He was crying.

He actually cried. He said if I'd come back...

they'd give me a corner office...

with new furniture and a raise.

Like that's supposed to make up for everything.

Anyway, I took the job. I couldn't think.

I was still high from the Little League game.

Isn't that demented?

That a grown man's happiness depends...

on whether a nine-year-old catches a pop-up?

- What if he missed? - But he didn't.

- But he could have. - But he didn't.

- But he could have. - But he didn't, Gil.

You threw him 12 million pop-ups in the backyard.

You cut the odds considerably.

If he hadn't-- Ow!

Ow!

But there's three of them,

and you want to have four.

And the fourth one could be... Larry.

They're going to do a lot of things.

Baseball's the least of it.

In all those things, sometimes they're going to miss.

- Sometimes they won't. - Sometimes they will.

What do you want me to give you, guarantees?

These are kids, not appliances.

Life is messy. I-- I hate messy.

It's-- It's so messy.

You know, when I was 19,

Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Oh?

Up, down.

Oh, what a ride.

- What a great story. - Mm-hmm.

I always wanted to go again.

It was just interesting to me that a ride...

could make me so frightened,

so scared, so sick,

so-- so excited...

and so thrilled all together.

Some didn't like it.

They went on the merry-go-round.

That just goes around.

Nothing.

I like the roller coaster.

You get more out of it.

Well, I'll be seeing you in the car.

She's a very smart lady.

Come on, Taylor, your ears are ready.

Yeah, a minute ago I was really confused about life.

Then Grandma came in with her wonderful...

and affecting roller coaster story.

Now everything's great again.

I happen to like the roller coaster, okay?

As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.

Come on, Taylor! Come on, hurry up.

If she's so brilliant, how come she's sitting in our neighbor's car?

♪ [ Piano ]

[ Murmurs, Applause ]

It's good to be home.

It sure is.

Somebody stole our dishes.

[ Teacher ] They're not stolen. They're put away.

They're not stolen! [ Clears Throat ]

[ Teacher ] They're not stolen. They're put away.

[ Child ] They're not stolen!

They're put away!

- [ Whistling ] - What was that?

- It came from the bedroom. - It sounds like a monster.

Someone should see what it is.

[ All ] Not me! Not me!

- Let Dopey do it. - Let Dopey do it. Yeah!

No!

Go on, Dopey.

Come on, Dopey.

They're hurting my sister!

Hey, he's going. Get him.

Get him. Get him! [ Justin ] Don't hurt Taylor!

[ Whispering ] Justin! Justin.

You let go my sister!

- Hey! Ow! - Stop!

Justin!

- Ow! - No, Justin.

[ Karen ] Justin! Justin!

Justin.

Oh, Justin.

Come back here. Come back here.

Please come back here, little one!

No, no, no!

He's ruining the play! He's ruining the whole play!

[ Woman ] I think that's the Buckmans' kid.

Ow!

[ Roller Coaster Sounds ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Roller Coaster Stops ]

[ Man Laughing ] That's great!

Taylor!

Children, stop. Go through here.

[ Crowd Laughing ]

[ Man ] You're doing great.

One more push, and the baby will be here.

Bear down. Push.

We're almost there, Mom. Come on, push.

That's it. Great.

- You're doing great. - [ Woman ] You're doing fine.

- Here we go now. Push. - I can see the head!

Here comes the baby. Good.

Here it is. It's a girl!

[ Crying ] Good! Congratulations, Mom.

Beautiful. You'd better get out in the lobby, Dad.

I think you've got about a hundred relatives out there.

[ Crying Continues ]

Well?

It's a girl.

Helen's fine.

[ Cheering ]

That's great.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ [ Piano Intro ]

♪ I was born to make you happy ♪

♪ I think you're just my style ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ Tellin' everyone I know ♪

♪ Baby, I love to see you smile ♪

♪ Don't want to take a trip to China ♪

♪ Don't want to sail up the Nile ♪

♪ Wouldn't want to get too far ♪

♪ From where you are ♪

♪ 'Cause I love to see you smile ♪

♪ Like a sink without a faucet ♪

♪ Like a watch without a dial ♪

♪ What would I do ♪

♪ If I didn't have you? ♪

♪ I love to see you smile ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ In the springtime ♪

♪ The winter or the fall ♪

♪ The only place I want to be ♪

♪ Is where I can see you smile at me ♪

♪ In a world that's full of trouble ♪

♪ You make it all worthwhile ♪

♪ What would I do ♪

♪ If I didn't have you? ♪

♪ I just love to see you smile ♪

♪ I love to see you smile ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ In the springtime ♪

♪ The winter or the fall ♪

♪ The only place I want to be ♪

♪ Is where I can see you smile at me ♪

♪ In a world that's full of trouble ♪

♪ You make it all worthwhile ♪

♪ What would I do ♪

♪ If I didn't have you? ♪

♪ I love to see you smile ♪

♪ I love to see you smile ♪