Original subtitles

Shall we forge ahead, sir?

Ha-ha. You mean, let's get it on.

Hey!

Wait a minute, you two.

New boy.

You can't park here. This is a police pound.

We know.

No, sir. I don't think you understand.

This is where the police tow the cars

that are parked illegally in the street.

Yes, we know that.

So you can't park here.

Well, officer, I don't think you understand.

We own the Salt & Pepper Club around the corner,

and we thought we'd park in the street out there.

Oh, you can't do that. It'll get towed away.

Where?

Well, here.

That's it.

We thought we'd bring it in ourselves and save you the trouble.

Yes, but...

Please, don't try to thank us.

Anything we can do to help the boys in blue,

sir!

But, ah... but... but...

Later. Good night, officer.

Oh, but... yes, but...

Quiet, please. Just a minute. Quiet.

Inspector Crock, what seems to be the trouble?

I'll tell you what the trouble is.

It's all right.

So, uh, what's the reason then?

I'll give you one guess, Mr. Pepper.

I don't need any guesses.

It's simple and plain: Police persecution.

Charlie, will you cool it?

Cool nothing. Now, get out of the way, will you, Chris, please?

I'll handle this.

Inspector, let me tell you something right now.

The last week we've had 3 members of parliament. Right, Chris?

And 5 lords. 5 lords!

You might as well know now. I don't get mad often,

but nobody treats my partner and I this way.

I intend to see that you get busted.

Here's another fine mess you've got us into.

I was only trying to protect you...

Silence in the dock.

Yes, sir. Thanks.

Not to mention resisting arrest,

and the accused were hostile and abusive.

Go on, inspector.

The premises are now closed and sealed.

The owners will have no access

pending a decision on the cancellation of its license.

Thank you, Inspector Crock.

Mr. Pepper,

it distresses me to see a member of a distinguished family

in such a degrading position.

Your conduct brings disgrace to a famous,

one might almost say, revered name.

I know nothing about your family background, Mr. Salt.

Oh, it was just like everyday, you know.

I was born in Harlem a-and my family was on relief.

We used to hang around the corner, me and the cats,

you know, just goin"; "Hey, babe, what's happening?"

Silence!

The record of this club is a deplorable one,

showing repeated and overt violations

of the drinking and gambling laws.

I find the charges proved.

You will each be fined the sum of 500 pounds.

With the alternative of 6 months in prison.

Have you anything to say?

Yes, your worship.

I would like to ask for time to pay.

As our assets are frozen, things are a bit tight.

One week to pay. Yes?

Well, my...

You see, judge, my ass-assets are frozen, too.

And I would like about 5 years to pay.

One week.

Yes, sir, I understand. One week.

You know that don't give us but 7 days, don't you?

I'm so sorry, milord.

A dreadful day for the family.

More than dreadful, Figg. It's intolerable.

Something must be done.

Hello, Syd, old boy.

You remember Charlie Salt, my partner. Don't you?

Yes, of course.

By reputation.

I'm surprised you had the nerve to come here.

What do you want?

To ask for 500 pounds.

Unless you want a jailbird for a brother.

And if you could slow it down and make it 1,000, I'd sure appreciate it.

1,000?

Well, you see, I don't have a kindhearted brother,

and since we're partners I thought you could take care of my fine, too.

I will pay your fine, both your fines

if you will both undertake to leave within the week

and never to set foot in England again.

What? What?

This is the last time that you'll ever get anything from me.

I can't prevent you from inheriting the title, of course.

Although I wish I could.

The castle will be left to national trust.

Whatever monies I have will go to charity.

Oh, who cares!

I can hardly expect you to do the decent thing

and drop dead any quicker than I will.

But to suggest throwing me...

This is my country, too!

Yeah, and mine.

Yours?

Yeah. Look, forget about me, ok?

But what about Chris, man? He's your brother!

I don't have to answer to you, Mr. Salt.

Those are my conditions for paying your fine.

If you don't like them, get someone else.

That's exactly what we'll do. Come on, Charlie.

Charlie, wait.

Listen, brother dear.

I didn't choose to come into this world 2 minutes after you

and run 2nd ever since. I'm tired, too.

What do you think I'd give to retire

to that damn great castle and put my feet up, too?

I earned my retirement.

I can't help thinking

that I might've had a little more sympathy and understanding

had our positions been reversed, and I was in your shoes.

You're not in my shoes, Christopher, and never will be.

Well, what are we gonna do for lunch?

You got any money?

I ain't got a cent.

How would you like to have lunch at grindle's club?

Grindle's club? Isn't that the club that your brother had you thrown out of?

You just wait right here. I've got an idea.

Was everything to your satisfaction, milord?

Absolutely super, Joseph, super. Thank you.

And the food was good, too.

Uh, may I have my bill, please?

With pleasure, milord, but may I sign for you, as usual?

I'll take care of everything.

Oh, that's very, very kind of you.

Oh, I tell you... By the way,

would you be good enough to order me a taxi?

My chauffeur has the day off.

With the greatest of pleasure. Certainly, milord.

Thank you.

J

You did it.

You did it, you pulled it off.

I never... you got the voice, you look like...

Thank you, my man.

Hey,

you know what the first thing I'm going to do is?

All right, tell me. Tell me the first thing.

Thank him for a lovely lunch.

It was a... It was a good lunch.

And then,

I'm going to tell him exactly what he can do with his money.

His dimes, nickels, quarters, and his dollars.

Right.

And then, to show him our true feelings,

I'm gonna punch him right in the nose.

You just go and sit across the street in the coffee shop.

Right.

Syd?

Sydney, old boy.

Wherever you are, I just came to tell...

What do you think I'd give to retire

to that damn great castle and put my feet up, too?

Emergency. Which service do you require?

Hello? Who's there?

I can't help thinking

that I might've had little more sympathy and understanding

had our positions been reversed, and I was in your shoes.

You're not in my shoes, Christopher, and never will be.

And never will be.

And never will be.

And never will be.

Why not?

Well, I'd just been downstairs to get my checkbook.

Well, I was helping him out, you see.

And when I came back, he was gone.

I suppose it was a heart attack.

No. Not a heart attack, Lord Pepper.

No? I presumed.

No. Your brother was murdered.

Murdered?

Yes, Mr. Salt. Your partner's been murdered.

You dirty...

All right, let him go!

Let him go!

Are you mad?

He killed him.

You are insane.

Are you all right, milord?

I think so.

How dare you attack his lordship

and make allegations of that kind.

That ain't no allegation, man.

He killed him. They were alone.

They were not alone.

Someone came in through that window

and shot him with a poisoned dart.

A kind of African...

African blowpipe gun.

Now, where were you during this past hour?

Oh no, I don't believe this, man.

Sure, I'd Kill him, wouldn't I?

I would kill Chris, my best friend.

Milord, would you like to charge this man with malicious assault?

No, just forget it.

Milord, the, uh, the telephone.

I'm... i'm... i'm... i'm...

Lord Pepper?

Speaking.

What's this about delaying your report? You've been back for 24 hours.

We want it urgently.

Oh... oh... oh, yes... yes. The report.

Yeah, well, I... I can't talk now. People are here.

Behaving very oddly.

Didn't sound himself at all.

And the report?

Well, he couldn't talk, people there.

We'll try him again later.

That will be all for now, milord.

And thank you for being so patient.

Thank you, inspector.

Come on, you. Out.

That's all right, inspector.

I want to have a word with him.

Milord, this man is dangerous.

I can take care of myself and him.

Very good, milord.

You lift one finger against his lordship,

and I'll send you down for 5 years.

Milord.

Would you like a drink?

I don't wanna drink with you.

Quite.

I understand how you feel, Salt.

Well, if I were you, I'd be pretty scared.

My dear fellow, be sensible.

Why would I kill Christopher?

Just to save myself 500 pounds?

I don't know.

But I intend to find out.

Look, you wanted to talk to me. What about?

Well, judging from your rather violent reaction to my brother's death,

I gather that you were rather attached to him.

Attached?

Let me tell you something that you're not gonna understand.

Because, see, I... I never really understood it myself.

But he liked me.

See, he was the best friend that I had in the entire world.

He liked me.

Well, uh,

now that he's...

Now that you're by yourself, what are you going to do?

6 months, remember?

Oh, you...

You needn't. I... I mean, I'll pay your fine.

And you can come and work for me at... at Pepperworth Castle.

Why? Particularly, why me?

Oh, well...

Perhaps I misjudged you. You... you seem like a loyal sort of fellow,

and... I need someone like that.

What for, man, to lower the drawbridge?

No, no, nothing menial, I assure you.

I'm planning a lot of changes down there, you see.

And I need a sort of... Well, a controller.

Someone who can run the estate.

Well, it's better than 6 months in jail, isn't it?

Why don't you think it over?

Well,

I don't get it.

But I'll go with it.

'Cause I just gotta find out what makes that head turn around.

There are some of US who strive unremittingly.

To make our gifts precious

acceptable in his sight.

There are others who care not what they are or what they become.

Christopher Pepper was struck down in dastardly fashion

at the very prime of life.

I did not know the deceased personally,

but whatever his earthly life may have been,

let us pray that he is now in some place of eternal refreshment

and safely across the heavenly bar.

Poor old Charlie.

Shall I tell him?

"I am the resurrection..."

Guess I should.

"He that believeth in me, though he were dead"

"yet shall he live.

And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."

No. Better wait and see if I get away with it.

You miserable little traitor.

How could you work for a man like that?

You couldn't say no to a comfortable pad, could you?

"Yes, milord. No, milord."

Charlie Salt, listen to me.

I never thought I'd ever say this to you,

but you're the lowest, man.

You're a rat.

In fact, it's worse than that.

You're a stone Uncle Tom.

Well, you listen to me, and you listen good, baby.

I'll be an Uncle Tom.

I'll be the best one he's ever had.

I'll run his errands and I'll shine his shoes. You dig?

Because I have a hunch he killed Chris.

And if he did,

I'm gonna kill him.

Even so in Christ shall all...

That's Sydney Pepper, all right.

You killed the wrong man.

How could I tell? They're twins. He had his back to me.

Well, get him now.

Right. But get him!

All right, all right.

Go on, man, what are you waiting for?

You missed him, you dope.

He moved his ruddy head.

Well, get him now!

All right, all right.

Well, that bloody turf gave way.

Wait!

Charlie!

Easy.

And one.

Shoo.

Um, um, Salt, would you answer the phone, please?

If it's some man about a report,

tell him I've lost it.

What?

Lord!

Oh, lord!

Don't call me lord, I'm not god.

Milord,

you ain't gonna believe what this cat's saying on the phone.

He wants to know

if you're gonna hold your ball.

What?

That's what he said,

and if you ain't gonna hold it,

do you wanna drop it?

Hello?

Oh, yes. Yes, Tombs.

Yes. Yes, a sad day. Thank you.

What?

Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I think we should proceed with it.

Seeing as it's for charity.

We'll be driving down after lunch.

Thank you.

A charity ball at the castle this week.

Milord.

Yes?

Your vest, it was in the wastepaper basket.

You were going to throw it away?

Yes, I meant to.

You can have it if you want.

Milord, milord, Miss Tomkins presents her apologies.

Couldn't be here. Gone to town

to the doctor's about her bad knee.

Thank you, Tombs.

This is the upstairs maid I was telling you about.

Still has a glint in her eye.

Tomkins, eh? That's a good bet for you, Salt.

Bad knee, should slow her down to a mere walk.

Milord, a welcome ginger beer for you and your friend.

This is our housekeeper, Alice.

I'm terribly sorry, milord.

Well, these are... These are my humble lodgings.

Oh, this doesn't keep you off the streets, I'll tell you that.

Uh, Tombs, I'd like Mr. Salt to have the Emperor Suite.

Will you take him along?

Yes. And I'll see you later.

I'm sure glad

the lord decided to modernize the bedrooms at least

'cause otherwise a castle like this can get pretty spooky.

Oh, so sorry, sir, I neglected to get the key.

I shan't be half a moment, sir.

Don't hurry.

Oh, but I shall, sir.

That's soft.

That's a soft bed, boy.

Mr. Salt, let me assist you.

Thank you.

Give me your hand. I'll help you up.

That's really a soft bed.

But indeed, best down, sir.

Now, sir, I'd best show you around.

Yeah, I think that's best.

If you come with me, sir. That's better.

Are you all right, sir?

Oh, I'm right behind you.

Good, that's better.

Bathroom here, sir.

Gas hot water geyser here.

Better show you how it works, hadn't I?

Yeah, I think you better.

You were master Christopher's partner, sir.

Yes, I was.

Ah, there was a lovely boy.

You liked him?

Liked him? Loved him.

There will never be another like him.

Tombs, I think you and I are gonna get along famously.

Any friend of master Christopher's is a friend of mine, sir.

Thank you.

Now, sir, what you have to do is to light this little jet

and then you turn the tap in

and the, uh...

The main burners light up. I see.

Right? Right.

Now, sir, remember. Little jet first.

Was that quite clear, sir?

Or shall I demonstrate again?

Oh, no. No more demonstrations.

I have it all in my mind now.

Yes, but you see, it's very useful to have a geyser, sir.

I don't want a geezer or a geyser.

I have no use for that kind of thing.

Whatever happened to just taps? You just turn it on,

like hot, cold?

That's all I need. Do you understand that?

You get hot and cold from the geyser.

From the geezer? That's right.

I'll use a wash and dry. I don't really need a tub.

I'll stay this color anyway, no matter how many times I wash.

So that's it for me. See, I don't need no geezer,

and I don't need no more any kind of instructions.

I'm not gonna go see the...

I came across this in the hall. Is it yours?

Yes, it's mine.

I don't think you'll be needing it here.

We don't use this kind of weapon for sporting shooting.

I didn't bring this for sport, sport.

I brought this for something else.

And these ain't no blanks.

Miss you, pally.

Now look, I don't like Lord Pepper,

and I don't give a damn what happens to him personally

but I want his report before they get him.

Pepper must be aware of the danger, sir.

So there has to be a good reason for this delay.

Oh, I see.

While we are waiting on his lordship's pleasure,

another fortune in diamonds gets smuggled into the country.

Now, damn it,

you said he was on the verge of cracking the ring wide open.

That was the impression he gave us.

I don't want impressions!

I want facts!

Now get someone to Pepper and get that report.

I trust it's to your liking, sir.

Chateau Lafite Rothschild, 1955.

Oh, that's about the same year you left the kitchen, huh?

Oh, never mind.

Ah, marvelous.

Velvet.

Master Christopher's favorite, sir.

It's gotta be a groove.

Uh, good morn...

Good evening, Tate, uh, Tombs.

What the devil is that?

Your warm milk, milord.

Oh, thank you.

Would you care to taste it, milord?

No.

Excellent wine, milord.

You should try some.

You don't know what you're missing.

Perhaps I don't.

Um, maybe I should try some just this once.

Well, it is your wine.

Uh, why don't you move down here

and bring the bottle with you?

That's a good idea.

Tell me, what did you and Christopher do in your spare time to relax?

Well, we used to have fun.

There was always, you know, the blues and the broads.

But most of all, we just sort of had laughs, that's all.

What else did you two do?

I mean, it couldn't have been all booze...

Whiskey and girls?

We used to play gin a lot. Gin rummy.

That Chris.

He was really a champ, man, I could never beat him.

What fun.

What great fun. You must teach me.

Milord, Miss Tomkins has returned from the doctor's

and would like to present her compliments.

Yes, then wheel her in, would you?

And prepare the card table in the library.

Yes, milord.

Miss Tomkins.

I think she's the one with housemaid's knee.

Good evening, milord.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you arrived.

Oh yes...

Uh, it's quite... quite all right.

T-t-this is Mr. Salt.

Mr. Salt? Hello.

I've sorted out your correspondence.

Um, everything can wait till the morning.

Uh, uh, good. Good.

Same hour then?

Yes, yes.

Good night, milord. Mr. Salt.

Good night.

Oh, dear. What?

I hate to be a bore, but can I just ask you one... one thing?

Anything you want, milord.

All right. Well, I have 3 sixes

3 kings and... and 4 aces. Now w-what does that mean?

You put the cards down on the table, and you say "gin."

Oh, I see. Now in that order, I mean,

the kings go first and then the...

Just put the cards down on the table, milord.

Oh, very well. There we are.

Now I've gotta count what I've got in my hand.

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60,

70, 80. Gin is 30.

And, um... Oh, my goodness.

Double, is it, you said? Yes.

Yes, that's 200.

You've won the first game on a blitz, milord.

Oh, a blitz?

Yes, that means the other person didn't get nothing.

I see.

I'm... I'm in that column, I see.

Yes, and this one is all over for me.

So then we do it again?

Yes, we do it again.

You just deal the cards, will you, please?

Yes.

Oh, terrible hand. Ghastly.

Oh, that's too bad.

Let's see now.

Will that do for me? Put this over here.

I say. Right in the middle.

I do believe it's gin again.

So, Salt, does it make any difference

if it goes from... from the ace through to the...

Where... where did you learn to do that?

Oh, that... that. My old nanny used to do that.

She had terrible arthritis, she used to do that all the time.

Nanny.

20, 30, 40, 60,

64 and 6...

Now, milord, you will learn a lesson.

The knock card is 4. Watch this.

3 eights, 3 sixes,

4, 3, and a 5, and back at a 4.

I knock with 2.

Oh, I say, splendid.

But what do I do? Uh, oh.

You just count up all that jazz you have. Yes.

I see 3 sevens, yes.

3 Jacks,

3 fives and that leaves me with one.

That's an undercut.

What?

That means you get 26 points.

Oh, jolly hockey stick.

Just one more set. One 3 games across,

because I've gotta get...

What is that? Huh, huh, huh? Come on, we play.

Well, it is getting awfully sort of late.

And we've got a big, big day tomorrow, you know.

Big day tomorrow?

Yes. Why don't we just sort of put it away?

Oh, for a hot bath and bed, what?

Listen, speaking of baths, mmm?

What am I going to do about one? Oh, use mine.

Hey, thanks.

In... in there tonight,

you had the wine and playing cards, you were much like Chris.

It was like being with him again.

It's a shame you never knew what a great guy he was.

Well, see you in a minute. Hmm.

What's the matter, Sydney?

You look as if you've never seen me before.

Well, it has been quite some time.

3 weeks.

Well, come on. Don't just sit there.

I'm not quite sure...

Darling, you do your best.

Get up. What is it?

It's Salt. He's coming here to take a bath.

I must stop him.

Salt!

Salt, you there?

I wish I didn't answer you because that would mean I wasn't.

Oh, uh, listen, forget about the bath tonight.

Forget...

Milord, I am dirty.

Oh, then commit yourself to a laundry.

There's no bath tonight, that's final.

Oh, you're so beautiful.

Ah, when I'm with you,

you make me feel like I'm 17 again.

Yeah, they're brothers all right.

The same line that Chris always used.

The same line!

Milord!

Good morning, milord.

And how does the rest of the day find you?

Rotten, thank you. What do you want?

Nothing, milord, of importance.

I came here merely to tell you

that you were right all along.

Oh, about what?

About everything.

The job, the castle, the atmosphere.

So you're beginning to like it down here, huh?

Like it? Like it! Love it. I love it.

Love it.

You were also right about Chris, of course. Huh?

Well, he wasn't a winner at all, was he?

He was a bit of a loser.

You've changed your tune, haven't you?

It's because of you, milord.

I mean, you're the type of man that I want to be around.

You represent all the... The great things in life.

You have dignity, society.

You have a great life.

This is livin', babe! Oh, pardon me, milord.

I got carried away there just for a second.

It is always nice to have loyal friends

who follow you to the grave, if not beyond.

Well, milord, you know, a cheer here and there.

I am a bit of an actor.

But in point of fact,

I didn't like him.

Why not?

Because he didn't like me.

You see, it was a bit of a game we always played.

You know, that... that sort of thing.

What I mean is, he cheated me, I cheated him...

And, of course, there was always the ladies.

Oh, the beautiful ladies.

Actually, he was a bit of a loser there, too.

I say, steady.

No, I mean it actually because, you see,

he would pick them up for a couple of weeks,

and then they would drop him,

and then, of course, guess who they would pick up then?

Little me.

The latest one, what was her name again? Let me think.

Oh, yes. Janine, Janine. That was her name.

Oh, he was crazy about her, sir.

Really crazy about her.

I can hear her now, saying to him:

"Oh, Christopher, I must leave you now,

I must go home to mother."

Here's the mother she went home to!

Out. Out.

Was it something I said, milord? Get out.

Was it something I said? Out! Out!

I want you out of here. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I have an idea. What?

Why don't I get out?

Out.

Out!

Anything you say, milord.

But remember, if you but need a thing,

open up your door and yell for the twit, and I shall be here.

Can I do anything for you now, milord, before I leave?

I suggest you get rid of that ridiculous British accent.

It doesn't suit you.

It doesn't suit me?

It doesn't suit me!

Well, suppose I say to you

that we gonna meet later on down the line,

we'll simonize our watches, hit the whole sack of crackerjacks,

throw them in the back, milord.

And I'll see that we have a meeting at the lodge hall.

And I'll get Ruby Begonia on the phone there.

Oh, is he gonna get his now!

Business in South Africa?

Monkey business! You were never off the horizontal.

I don't know what you're...

Lord Sydney square. Lord "bam-bam, thank you, ma'am."

But I... I don't know who's been teaching you,

but you've certainly found yourself a great mistress.

Some of the boys recommended you gentlemen very highly.

Said that you're experts at getting stubborn people to, uh, talk.

They generally sing for us.

They... they generally sing for us.

Yes, well,

this is the situation.

Pepper was employed by Interpol to try and bust my outfit,

but I bought him, and he worked for me instead.

You bought Lord Pepper?

Everyone has a price, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson has a price?

You're Mr. Wilson. Oh.

Mr. Gordon, there's a big ball on at the castle tonight.

All the better. Be able to slip inside and wait for him.

Now, there's no time to waste.

We've got to get to him first or else someone else will.

Who?

Interpol?

He probably means Interpol.

Or them, but I was thinking about Johnny Lee's sister. Kim Lee.

I've just heard that she's hightailed for England, bent on revenge

and maybe after the diamonds.

No, somehow this outfit just doesn't go with me.

Oh, on the contrary, sir.

You look exactly like the chocolate dandy.

Chocolate what?

Chocolate dandy, sir.

Who was he?

W-well-known figure at the court of Louis XIV, sir.

They do say the king's favorite.

Favorite what?

Well, just... just favorite, sir.

They were known as favorites.

Uh, people the monarchs took to, you might say.

Did you know him?

Oh, no, sir. Just missed that one.

It's beautiful, milord.

Bonnie prince Charlie to the life!

The chocolate dandy.

I can see it now.

Your majesty,

milords and miladies,

welcome to the grand ball.

Bring your arm, make it handy.

For upon my word,

there's the chocolate dandy.

Lord and lady Chazman.

Hello, Chazman.

It's just plain old me, Tombs.

Don't worry, sir.

Sir Charles Salt.

I was wondering...

What are you doing?

You don't get introduced, you live here.

Well, I couldn't help the fact, milord, that you were here,

to take your hand again is a thrill that I cannot encounter.

Let me kiss it.

Sir Charles!

Congratulations on the costume.

So convincing.

Thank you.

Care to join us?

That's terribly decent of you.

Uh, do you live around here, Salt?

Oh, as a matter of fact,

I happen to be spending some time with dear old Sydney.

Oh, then you'll be with us at the meet tomorrow.

For the meat? Oh, we had fish this afternoon.

No, no. The meet.

The opening meet of the hunting season.

Always held at the castle.

Oh, but, of course.

Tallyho and all that sort of balderdash.

Oh, care for a pinch?

What?

This is our dance, daddy.

Oh, delighted, my dear.

Excuse me, will you?

Of course, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, in answer to many requests, here it is:

Ladies' choice. Choose your own partners.

Hit it, boys.

I choose you.

Excuse me, please. I'm cutting in.

I'm Gene Abernathy from Interpol.

I must see you alone after the ball.

Excuse me.

Do we, uh, do we know each other?

Only by reputation, Lord Pepper.

I'm here to settle a little account with you.

Well, what is your name?

Lee. That's my last name.

Johnny Lee's sister, and he's still alive.

And kicking I hope.

Did old Johnny come tonight?

If you'll excuse me.

Very nice to have met you.

I hope I see you again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting Charlie Salt.

Might as well get something to read.

Let me see.

All these books and not one ebony.

Hey.

Oh, darkness.

A-ha.

We have a visitor.

Won't you join our little party?

I knew I had no business coming into this castle.

I knew it. I should have never come here.

I'll tell you one thing. You ain't gonna have trouble with me leaving.

'Cause I'm gonna leave right now.

You understand that? Never coming back here. Never no more.

Don't have to worry about it.

This is one cat who's going back where he belongs.

I've got something to tell you.

You've got something to tell me?

I'm in trouble, it's monstrous.

That's it! You got monsters in your cellar.

Gene Abernathy from Interpol.

I've been working with them for the past 6 months.

There was all sorts of valves and bubbly things and chemicals.

Trying to smash a diamond smuggling ring.

You know something. I saw it, but I don't believe it.

What are you carrying on about?

I mean, huh?

Oh, it's about mon-mon-mon-monsters.

You got real monsters, milord, in your cellar. Real monsters.

I seen them all in the movies.

You got Frankenstein and Frankenstein's monster, you got Igor...

And on the table, there's this beautiful chick, long, blonde hair, going:

"Hey, sweet cakes, how are you?"

And you also got the vampire:

"Won't you come in?"

Salt, you're drunk.

You think I'm drunk?

Come with me, please. Would you, please?

'Cause I'm gonna prove this once and for all.

Right over there, against that large bookcase.

What are you talking about?

I am not drunk. I just want you to do me one small favor.

But... but prepare yourself for death.

Pull that book, this one right here.

But be careful now.

Be careful.

What?

Well, take a look.

Go on.

I tell you...

Now, come on. Come along.

Come and have a nice lie down.

No warnings.

One wrong move, you've had it.

Cool it, lady.

Please, just, just cool it.

I'm too tall to die.

What is this, Chinese new year?

I mean, why the firecracker?

Shut up. Now listen carefully, Mr. Salt.

I've never met Lord Sydney Pepper before tonight,

but I came 7,000 miles to see him.

7,000 miles?

Isn't that a long way to go for a blind date?

Not quite blind.

You see, I happen to know where he has hidden the diamonds.

Diamonds?

You didn't murder Johnny Lee.

He's still alive and told us everything.

Come on, Chris!

Come on, old buddy.

Easy.

Here. Let me put you down.

You called me Chris.

That ain't all I'm gonna call you

as soon as you're strong enough to take it.

And you can give up the phony voice, as well, because I know who you are,

so talk regular, all right?

You really took me through some changes, pally.

I only put you down, Charlie, 'cause I didn't wanna get you involved,

in case anything went wrong.

"In case anything went wrong"?

Chris, if you knew how wrong it went, you'd die.

I mean, really die.

Those friends of yours are coming back here, man.

I know, they're after some diamonds or something.

Let me tell you the story of big brother, huh.

For starters, he joined Interpol, double-crossed them.

Then joined the smugglers, and double-crossed them.

In between times, half-murders a cat,

and then steals a million in diamonds.

How's that for a nice, neat little package?

And all I wanted to do was put my feet up.

Pal of mine,

those friends of yours will put your feet up permanently

if you don't leave the country by tonight.

The Johannesburg police picked up a badly wounded member of the gang.

Name of, uh... uh... Johnny Lee.

He offered to turn queen's evidence,

and, uh, well, they got the whole story out of him.

Lord Pepper of all people. It's incredible.

Oh, he's a vicious, dangerous criminal.

And we think he may be a murderer, too,

that's why we've called you in, inspector.

Murder? Who?

His brother Christopher. It'll be guesswork, of course,

but we think Christopher Pepper may have discovered what he was up to,

and perhaps tried to blackmail him.

That would be typical.

And you think Lord Pepper may have killed him to shut his mouth.

Exactly.

So you're coming with us to Pepperworth Castle to make the arrest.

Hello, Pepperworth one.

This is Kim Lee.

They're after you to kill you.

They know where the diamonds are.

Forced me to tell them.

Where are they? We've been looking for them all night.

I can't...

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Chris, that was the Chinese chick.

They're gonna have to come in more than once a week.

Listen. Chris, will you listen to me?

That was the Chinese chick, and she's in trouble.

Those guys know where the diamonds are.

So do we.

A million pounds in diamonds painted black.

Here, put it back on.

Time to mount, milord. Enjoy the hunt, sir.

Change of plan. Change of plan.

- We walk out of here as if nothing's wrong. - Nothing's wrong.

Make a dash for the car, dash for the car.

And beat it to the nearest police station, right? Police station.

Million pounds. Chris?

Probably all 5 of them are here.

You know what that means?

Yeah, that means they're gonna shoot the buttons off this vest.

Now I know why you wanted me to wear it.

- Back to plan one. - What?

Cross-country.

That means you're gonna have to ride a horse.

I can't ride, Chris.

Then play it by ear.

I got a flash for you. My ear can't ride either.

Come on. But, Chris...

They've seen us. Prepare plan 2.

Come on, Charlie.

No familiarity. No familiarity.

Let's get it now. Come on.

Somehow this don't look right.

Hold it.

Wait a minute, I think I'm getting it.

I got it now.

That ain't right. That's definitely not right.

Get me down from here.

Can you just give me a leg up like you always?

That's it. That's it.

Ah, I can see. When you know, see, you know, because...

That ain't it either. Once again.

Give me your leg up.

Come on, hounds, please.

Come on.

Hello there.

Marvelous day for a hunt, isn't it?

Having a bit of trouble with the gout, of course,

but besides that, looks like a marvelous day.

Shall we go? Tallyho!

You two follow as best you can in the car.

Everybody set?

I thought you'd never get here.

Come on, give me a leg up.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Sir, sir, I think, just stop a minute. Your rear wheel, sir.

I think you have a puncture.

You'd better take a look.

As a matter of fact, it was turning.

Come back with my wagon!

Don't tell me they're making blasted westerns in England now!

Hopefully they've got a phone.

Indians!

Get up, good man. Hold on to this.

I'll put this on so that nobody can see it.

W-What did you say?

I-I've been cut off.

Chris!

Chris! Excuse me.

You won't believe this.

But there's Indians out there, and they ain't friendly.

What are you raving about?

All right, maybe I didn't see the monsters, but you can't deny that.

Here, have a drink and cool it.

Chris, I tell you...

All right, Salt, take off that yellow vest.

Go ahead. Give him the yellow vest.

The yellow vest. Of course.

Just one minute, sir, because we gonna...

Would I forget you?

What about the belt?

Could you come in tomorrow around 2:00 for a fitting?

Closing time, gentlemen.

Will you come down here?

I'd like to use your phone to report the most extraordinary happening.

Do speak up, woman, it's a terrible line.

Is it, is that you, dear? Hmm?

A-anything exciting happening at home? Hmm?

Hello. Hello. Hello!

We meet again, Lord Sydney Pepper.

And this time I have a warrant for your arrest.

Now just a minute, inspector, I'm not Sydney Pepper.

You must be from Interpol. Hmm.

Well, we've got a nice little present for you.

A million pounds in diamonds.

The buttons on that yellow waistcoat.

Right here.

It's too late to make amends now, Pepper.

I'm not Sydney Pepper.

I'm Christopher Pepper.

I took his place when he was Killed.

Any damned fool can shave off a moustache and put on a phony one.

You'll have to do better than that.

I can do better than that.

I can prove, without question,

that this man is not Lord Sydney Pepper.

How?

Could I have a word with you in private, please?

Yeah.

What do you suppose she's telling them?

I don't know, but it must be something big.

Hello, inspector.

Hello, inspector. How are you?

How are you?

Fine, sir.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh, thank you, uh, sir.

Would you join us in a drink?

Well, I don't usually drink, Mr. Pepper... milord.

But seeing as how I'm not on duty, I don't mind if I do.

Wonderful. Charlie, will you do the honors?

Of course.

2 scotch and sodas. Ok.

I'm laughing

because I'm thinking about the la-last time I went to this place,

I pulled open this book and I thought all kinds of things.

I must have been on some kind of trip.

2 scotch and sodas.

Christopher.

Christopher!

Chris...

What is it? What's the matter? What?

What is the matter with you?

Hello. Hello.

What's going on around there?

Oh, nothing, inspector. Suppose we just put the book back,

and shut the door?

Now come on. Now, listen, you two,

if what's going on around there is what I think it is...

It's not what you think it is, inspector. It's unthinkable.

Will you shut the door.

If what is going on around there is an illicit still,

I'll send you both down no matter who you are.

Look, will you listen to me, inspector?

Inspector! Remember, I warned you.

And I have warned you.

Smith!

Sir?

Yeah.

Now, look, Salt, what is going on in there?

Let me put it this way to you, Chris.

I don't think they're gonna be in our next picture.

Shall we split?

Wait a minute.

What?

Did you say those guys ain't gonna be in our next picture?

Yeah, why?

Don't you think we ought to finish this one, before we talk about the next one?

Well, this one's finished. Look, the diamonds are safe,

the bad guys got theirs, the 2 girls went back to London,

Crock is where nasty fuzz should be,

and... and you're Peter Lawford again.

Yes, I know all that.

Well?

But they're still watching.

Hi, there. My name is Sammy Davis Jr.

Will you hold it?

Look, if you got it so... If you got it so well figured out

where are the 2 bad guys that Gordon hired to knock us off?

Well, we don't have to explain that.

The audience knows the picture's over with.

Why doesn't somebody tell them it's over?

Let's move. You mean, let's get it on.

I mean, let's get it off.

Yeah!