Original subtitles

* Whoa! * * Attention *

* Yeah! *

* I need attention *

* Give me that * * Give me that *

* Okay *

* Give me your attention *

[audience cheering and applauding]

-When's the last time

you stepped outside of your comfort zone?

I'm addicted to it.

Because that's where the magic happens.

Or at the very least, you get a great fucking story.

Like one time, I baked pot brownies.

Yes, baking is very much outside of my comfort zone.

And I brought them to a trip my senior year of high school.

And the brownies were so good that the teachers found out.

And then I was banned from prom.

For the plot.

More recently, I went to a restaurant

and Taylor Swift was there.

And while I would never go up to a celebrity,

I did go to the Eras Tour three times,

so I felt like it was appropriate

to give her my card game.

I went up to her, handed it over, and she said-

[gasps]

"No, thank you."

[crowd exclaiming]

For the plot, right?

And now here I am tonight, standing in front of all of you,

stepping so far outside my comfort zone

that a GPS couldn't even find me.

For the plot.

Because at the end of the day, the best stories,

the ones worth telling,

only happen when you're willing to risk it all

for the plot.

[audience applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

[***]

[crows cawing]

-So, is this the plan? Spell out S.O.S.

-and hope for the best? -Do you have any better ideas?

-I don't know, maybe wait for AAA?

-AAA isn't going to get here on time.

[birds chirping]

-[sighs] -[phone chimes]

Oh, my God. -What's wrong?

-Jasmine said that she's bringing

the Peacock execs to the show.

-Deep breaths, Serenita.

[exhales] Deep breaths.

[wind whooshing]

-For the plot.

Nothing gets me hornier than true crime.

It all started one night when I went out

with my best friends in New York City,

and I was wearing only a little black dress

and no underwear on.

Good visual?

-[audience cheering] -I thought so.

This club is like the witness protection program

for people who like to shake their ass

and ignore that guy from Hinge

that's still wearing the navy sheets

his mom bought for him.

It's designed to make you blackout

or eye-fuck one of the Winklevoss twins.

True story.

But on this particular night,

I met a sexy short king with a British accent.

And let me just say, he was my cup of tea.

We grinded and then exchanged numbers,

and then I shimmied my way into the darkness,

which really means I just walked two feet to the left.

And then I made eye contact with another guy.

I know. I was on a roll that night,

except I couldn't quite make out his face.

But those hands, I knew those hands.

They'd fingered me this summer in the Hamptons

in exchange for a ride home.

George Bush senior doesn't take the Jitney.

I waved at this man, and he didn't wave back.

I actually want to go a step further

and say that he was disgusted by my presence.

As I was about to go and confront him,

something horrible happened.

[gasps] The overhead lights turned on.

[audience exclaiming]

As I blinked in sudden brightness,

I spotted that sexy short king from earlier.

[audience members chuckling]

He kept staring at me like he was Edward Cullen

and I was Bella,

but not annoying.

[audience laughing]

He kept coming closer

and there was a dark look in his eyes.

It was scary and sexy

and I wasn't sure if he was gonna kill me

or sweep me off my feet, but fuck it,

I was willing to take my chances.

He came in closer, his lips barely grazing my ear,

and he said,

[imitates British accent] "Looks like the red wave

happened after all."

[audience laughing]

I leaned back.

I'm sorry, are you a Republican?

[audience laughing]

Then he glanced down, as did I.

[gasps] It wasn't a wave.

It was a full-on tsunami, a natural fucking disaster.

An episode of Law and Order splashed across my thighs.

[audience laughing]

As I fled the scene,

it all came back to me.

The disgusted looks,

the ground feeling a little more wet than usual,

when that guy said,

"Yo, it kind of smells like iron in here."

[audience exclaiming]

Did I know that I was on my period?

Absolutely not.

But God's timing is always right,

so who am I to question it?

And that's what I get

for stepping outside my comfort zone

and not wearing underwear.

[cheering]

[***]

[drill whirring]

[vehicle rumbling]

-Sere, what are you doing?

-I'm driving to my show, SFK style.

[insects chirping]

So what happened to the short king?

Nothing... yet.

But I did get a great story, 10 million views on TikTok,

and if I decide to thaw one of my frozen eggs for him,

our nursery will be sponsored by Tampax.

[audience laughing]

Why did I tell that story?

Oh, because nothing fucking matters.

Because everything fucking matters.

Every cringe-worthy moment, every heartbreak, every victory.

These are all plot points that are pushing you further

to become the main character you were born to be.

You are the writer, producer, director, and star of your life.

So do it...

for the motherfucking plot.

[audience cheering]

-I love you, babe, but that was crazy.

-Crazy? Or iconic?

[sighs]

-Hola,Sere!

-Mami!What're you doing here?

-I put AirTags in both of your suitcases.

-That feels illegal.

-Well, I heard you need a celebrity for your show,

and I just came to remind you that you already have one.

-I do? Who?

-You, mi amor.

Get in. If you miss hair and makeup,

you might as well skip the show.

-Go!

-What? No.

-Yes. We didn't come this far to come this far.

-Vamos,Sere. You're running out of time.

[upbeat music playing]

[***]

[audience chattering]

-You made it!

-I wasn't about to give you a reason to put me in Gertrude.

-Felix, I'm so sorry for the car,

the coffin, the glitter.

You didn't sign up for this type of chaos.

-I signed up for chaos the day I met you.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

But let's cool it with the coffins, yeah?

-Okay.

Stage manager: Serena, thirty seconds.

-Go give 'em the plot twist they never saw coming.

[bell rings]

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, but mostly ladies,

please put your hands together for the one... the only...

Serena Fucking Kerrigan.

[audience applauding]

Let's fucking go.

[***]

* Let's fucking go *

* Looking in the mirror *

* I can see you clear *

* All of my rejections *

* Just redirected me *

* I'm everything * * I wanted to be *

* Older, harder and wiser *

* And it's only the start *

* It's only it's only * * It's only the start *

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0