Original subtitles

* Whoa! * * Attention *

* Yeah! *

* I need attention *

* Give me that * * Give me that *

* Okay *

* Give me your attention *

[audience applauding]

-From the moment we're born, we're spoon fed ideas

of what success should look like.

But let's be real, life isn't one-size-fits-all,

unless you're at Brandy Melville.

It's crazy that we've been indoctrinated

from such a young age to think that

if we're not hard-launching

our significant other on Instagram,

then somehow we're falling behind,

because believe it or not,

there's more to life than people we fuck.

Shocking, right?

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm failing.

It means I'm freezing...

my eggs.

[groovy music playing]

[***]

I'm so hungry. -I know.

-What should we get? -Steak and fries.

-I'm craving something healthier.

What about a Beyond steak with a black and white shake?

-Done.

[Serena chuckles]

-Fefe, I also wanted to thank you

for opening up to me last night

and for supporting me.

I love you so much and-

[Felix farts]

[Serena laughs]

What was that? -What was what?

-Ew.

[Serena chuckles]

[phone ringing]

[laughing] Hola mami.

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-Nothing.

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-Fine, I hope.

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-Somewhere between Nevada and California.

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-No, we can't stop. We have to make it to the show.

It'll be fine.

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-Okay.

Fefe, my mom says a storm is headed our way.

We should probably get back on the road soon.

Are you okay in there?

-No, I'm in shambles. It's like a crime scene in here.

Lily: Is Felix okay? -Is that your mom?

-Yeah, she says hi.

Oh, my God. Sarvi got engaged.

-Who? -Sarvi, my friend from Duke.

-Can I get some privacy, please?

-At first, I thought egg freezing

was for women who wanted to lean in at work

or become the next Jon & Kate Plus Eight.

But it turns out it's for anyone who just wants options.

It's kind of like putting your uterus on layaway.

[audience members chuckle]

I'd heard all of the horror stories

about the injections and the hormones,

but, guys, taking the SATs was a lot harder.

Giving myself shots every day made me feel like a badass.

Like, can you imagine me as your doctor?

I want you to bend over and cough. [coughs]

[audience members laugh]

When I woke up from the surgery,

I felt something I'd never felt before.

I felt like a man.

[laughter]

No, seriously. Suddenly, I was free from the horrors

of the ticking time bomb that is the biological clock.

And while my friends

are planning their weddings and building their nurseries,

my eggies are living their best lives in Times Square,

and I'm here performing a sold-out show in Los Angeles.

[audience cheering]

Success looks different for everyone, and I mean that.

It's also not confined to our romantic relationships.

We are the sum of all of the people

we surround ourselves with.

Our friends, our family, our doorman.

The girl that gave us a bump in the bathroom

and called us gorgeous.

Serena: And did you see that Grace is pregnant?

Haven't they only been dating, like, less than a year?

Jeez, what's the rush?

It feels like everyone on my newsfeed

is either, like, engaged, married, or pregnant,

and I'm still on my mom's phone plan.

-Wait, really? I'm so jealous.

I wish I was still on my mom's phone plan.

-That's not the point.

[lively music playing]

I think it's time for you to wrap it up in there.

[***]

-I think I'm stuck in here. -What?

[Lily speaking Spanish]

-Mami, I thought you hung up.

Felix, let me get you some help.

-It's pull. -It's pull.

-Pull.

-Thanks.

-My friends, they're my constant.

They have been there through every questionable decision,

and believe me, there have been many.

They make me feel safe to be as extra as I want to be

while still keeping me grounded.

Like that one time I got dumped at a wedding-

Not mine, for the record.

I do not give second-wife energy.

My friends stopped me from sending an eight-page e-mail

begging to get back together with my ex.

But they did let me send it to their parents to revise...

eight times.

[audience members chuckle]

One of them went to Harvard Law.

Elle Woods could never bitch.

Or that other time I thought

I was finally gonna meet Blake Lively,

but really, I was just being catfished

by a 22-year-old claiming to be her assistant.

My friends cheered me on and they supported me,

even though they thought it was strange

that she was e-mailing me from an alias

called blakelively87@gmail.com,

claiming her seven-year-old daughter

was obsessed with my TikTok.

* I'm not coming back * * From this *

* I'm so embarrassed *

* Get away *

-Yeah. I'm not safe for children.

-Is it hitting? -Try it.

-Mm.

-Oh, my God. Not the bag.

[ketchup squirts]

-I mean, do you really want to have kids right now?

-[Serena chuckles] -No.

-No. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish first.

But it's crazy, I used to feel so anxious

about being single and wanting to find my person,

and now that I found my person, I'm anxious about

getting engaged, married, and pregnant.

-All right, but you froze your eggs twice.

I don't think we're ready, and that's okay.

We're going at the speed that feels right to us,

the both of us.

-I know. I just feel like

this ticking biological clock, you know?

-Yeah, I get it.

I mean, I don't, but I do.

[phone chimes]

-Seriously? -What?

-Jasmine's really stressing me out.

-How's the guest search going?

-No leads. I have to text the girls.

Who's single?

Get a boyfriend.

Who's in a relationship?

Where's the ring?

[audience laughing]

Who's married?

Are you expecting or are you bloated?

Respectfully.

It's like there's always another box to tick,

another milestone to hit.

Just to feel like we're doing enough.

But fuck the checklist!

Life isn't about proving your worth

with someone else's timeline.

You are exactly where you're meant to be.

So trust the timing of your life.

Let's raise a glass to our friendships.

Raise 'em.

Because there's no main character

without a strong supporting cast.

Cheers, bitches.

[audience cheering]

* Found your picture... *

Felix: How about we, uh, get a dog?

Serena: How about we get to California?

-Okay, and then we get a dog?

-Only if it's a wiener.

[both chuckle]

* I'm out of breath * * But I can finally breathe *

* I'm scared of all the ways * * You're taking over me *

* No, I can't *

* No, I can't * * No, I can't *

* No, I can't * * Get away from you *

[vocalizing]

* Even if I had to *

* Even if I want to *

* Get away from you *

* Can't get away from you *

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