Original subtitles

Sorry, one second.

Okay. I'm ready.

When I moved back to New York City after college,

everyone told me it was the worst place to date.

And I believed them until I met Chad.

Chad took me to this trendy sushi spot

for our first date, and it was perfect.

Great eye contact, flowing conversation,

he wore a backwards baseball cap.

Green flag after green flag after green flag.

And while I had no intention

of sleeping with him on the first date,

there was something about consuming raw fish

that really made me crave raw dick.

Just kidding. I obviously always use condoms.

I ended up bringing him up to our roof,

and I don't know if it was the altitude

or the city skyline,

or the fact that he was a Scorpio sun and a BDSM rising,

but we ended up 69ing right there

on those lounge chairs.

Mid-choke...

I knew that Chad could be the one.

? Na na na na na na ?

? Na na na na na ? ? Na na na na na ?

? Na na na na ?

? Every single time ? ? I pull up outside ?

? I want this lifestyle ? ? And the way I ride ?

? Say you wanna be ? ? My cherry pie ?

? Got a sweet tooth ? ? Try to get a slice ?

? I don't even need to talk ?

? Talk that ? ? Uh-huh uh-huh ?

? Let's go bananas ? ? Uh-huh ?

? Let's go bananas ? ? Uh-huh ?

? Let's- ?

No service. Where's the fucking map?

- Are you okay? - I feel lost.

Okay, it was just a wrong turn.

We'll get back on the road. It'll be fine.

I just don't know if I should be here at all.

Like this whole trip.

I'm taking time away from the podcast,

time away from everything else I'm working on,

and I'm literally at that point in my career

where I can't afford it yet.

And I just feel like I'm running out of time.

Okay, I hear you.

I'm sorry for putting you in that position.

Billie Eilish finally agreed to come on my show...

and I had to turn it down.

And it's been killing me, honestly.

That could have been so huge for me.

I wish you would have told me. We could have-

To- To what end? Make you feel guilty?

I know, but I should have checked in with you.

I know you're trying to build something too.

- Exactly. - You're super talented,

and this is the first opportunity of many.

And there will be more.

I don't want this trip to be a total sacrifice for you,

so let's figure it out together.

Thanks. I think I really needed to hear that.

We're a team. Always.

Why don't we pull in for the night?

I saw a really cute motel a couple miles back.

Fuck, yes.

What the hell? - Let me try.

Chad obviously wante to take me on a second date.

Cooking at my place.

He had a 401K,

but he didn't have a kitchen in his Murray Hill apartment.

And if this is giving finance fuckboy,

that's exactly right,

because that is what I like.

But honestly, there was just something

so romantic and intimate about him boiling the water

and pouring in the pasta for me.

Even though we'd only known each other for 12 hours,

I knew that Chad was going to be my boyfriend.

My therapist even agreed.

She is no longer my therapist.

Then he started rescheduling and making all these excuses

like, "Work is so busy,"

"I'm going to the Hamptons this weekend,"

"I have COVID."

I started replaying every moment,

screenshotting every text, showing to my friends.

I was so anxious, I could barely recognize myself.

Chad and I never made it to our third date.

I was really sad,

but then I realized I'm not the problem.

I never am.

Chad's signals were yeses and noes.

He was flaky, inconsistent, and worst of all,

he had such a small dick, he couldn't pick up the phone

to call me, to tell me that he was no longer interested.

Ironically enough,

Chad taught me the biggest lesson of all:

If it's not a fuck yes, it's a fuck no.

Life is too short to settle for anything less than a fuck yes.

So if something or someone isn't committed to you,

then you should mourn the fucking loss

and let them go.

You create your own closure.

Which is why I fucked his brother

to really pound the nail on the coffin.

Looks like we're not ordering room service.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to lay to rest the fuck noes from our past.

The ghosts, the flakes,

the bedframeless, the jackhammerers,

the shitty texters and all the rest.

We say goodbye to the red flags and the trauma that came with.

We cleanse ourselves of the small-dick energy

and replace it with the bad-bitch energy.

Anyone who needs to say goodbye to something or someone,

this is your opportunity.

I want you to shout out

the names of the hes, shes, and theys

that aren't a fuck yes.

May they rest in peace."

Okay. I want to hear the names

of the fuck noes that we're laying to rest.

woman: Kevin!

I can't hear you! I can't hear you!

I can't hear you!

Louder! Louder! This is a funeral.

Go!

Yes!

Now let me hear you say it.

If it's not a fuck yes, it's a...

audience: Fuck no!

Should I be a cult leader?

? Don't fit in... ?

So now what?

Should we play a game?

Should we play...

your game? It's been a minute.

Let's see if two years of dating

has prepared us for this.

What's your favorite memory of us?

Probably when I asked you to be my girlfriend

and you immediately started crying

'cause we were on shrooms.

- At least I said yes. - Obviously.

Your turn.

My favorite memory is when we met on your podcast.

Can you admit that it was love at first sight?

Oh, so you agree?

You think it was love at first sight?

Play the clip. My rizz was undeniable.

Okay.

I'm what?

Well, I think, like you,

with the right matched partner,

you're the perfect amount.

- That was really sweet. - Wait, that was-

Wait, that was, like, the nicest thing

I've said in a long time.

Whoa, are you hitting on me?

- No. - I'm down.

Serena. We have to... - Of course.

- ...keep this professional. - Is this professional?

Oh! It's like the beginning of a rom-com.

Honestly, yeah.

Okay. What are you obsessed with right now?

I can tell you what I'm not obsessed with.

That dirty-ass hotel room. - Yeah, that was-

- What about you? - That was brutal.

Um, I'm kind of obsessed with this car. It's so big.

It's, like, bigger than our New York City apartment.

Maybe I should get my license.

No. No.

Definitely not.

Your turn.

Oh, that's a good one.

What do you want to do to me right now?

I have some ideas.

Go on. Don't be shy.

Just a kiss, right?

I think we can do better than that.

*... in the middle ? ? Of the night ?

Felix?

Felix?

Felix?

Oh!

Felix?

Felix?

Felix?

Felix?

Felix!

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Felix.

Rise and shine.

? Some might say I'm jaded ?

? Emotionally faded ?

? Overstimulated ?

? I moved on ? ? And you hate it ?

? You can say ? ? You wish me well ?

? But those are sly eyes ? ? Reflect the feel ?

? Left me in a white flower ?

? Just to see me burn ?

? But I held the flames ?

? And now I know ? ? Just what it takes ?

? Scarlet supernova ?

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