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1
00:00:09,309 --> 00:00:11,077
? Whoa! ?
? Attention ?
2
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,278
? Yeah! ?
3
00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:13,747
? I need attention ?
4
00:00:13,748 --> 00:00:15,247
? Give me that ?
? Give me that ?
5
00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:16,616
? Okay ?
6
00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:18,518
? Give me your attention ?
7
00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:23,723
There was a time
where I was just like you.
8
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,659
I wasn't the main character.
No offense.
9
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,623
You'll get there
by the end of the show.
10
00:00:28,624 --> 00:00:31,330
After high school,
I thought I wanted to be earthy
11
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:34,401
and major in chocolate mushrooms
at Brown University,
12
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:36,603
but the universe
had other plans.
13
00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:40,240
I was rejected and then
redirected to go to Harvard...
14
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,609
the Harvard of the South...
15
00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,513
...where I barely got
my driver's license
16
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:50,116
and got cut from almost
every single sorority.
17
00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:52,518
The first few days
at Duke were tough.
18
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:54,554
I mean, I was a nobody,
19
00:00:54,587 --> 00:00:56,457
but being
the Manhattan girly I was,
20
00:00:56,458 --> 00:00:57,823
I knew exactly what I had to do
21
00:00:57,824 --> 00:01:00,393
to make my first night
at college epic.
22
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,830
I wiped off the sharpied 'X's
from my underage wrists
23
00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:06,166
and took down Fireball shots
24
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:09,736
like I'd done all my senior year
at Lavo and 1Oak.
25
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,770
It was that night
where I learned
26
00:01:11,771 --> 00:01:13,573
three critical college lessons:
27
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:17,210
One, being an RA
is social suicide.
28
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,845
Two, Duke lacrosse players
29
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:20,688
are as hot
as they are misogynistic.
30
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:23,683
And three,
31
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,785
nobody wanted to fuck me.
32
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:39,599
? More than you know ?
? More than I say ?
33
00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:42,435
? But now you're all up ?
? In my daydreams ?
34
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:47,774
? With just one look ?
? I wanna know what it means ?
35
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:55,382
? Be mine ?
36
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,150
? Be mine ?
37
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:02,455
? I'll be all yours ?
? So be mine ?
38
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:03,957
? Be mine ?
39
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,828
I wish, but I'm
not gonna be in town.
40
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,662
Thank you so much
for thinking of me though.
41
00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,231
We'd love to work together
in the future. Okay.
42
00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:14,901
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah. All good.
43
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,637
I think this coffin
is trying to kill me.
44
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,904
You look like
you just got hazed
45
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:19,838
by a group of drag queens.
46
00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:20,939
How do I even get this off?
47
00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:22,709
You don't. Glitter is forever.
48
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:24,811
It's like herpes, but sparkly.
49
00:02:24,844 --> 00:02:27,280
Let's go get a drink.
I'm thirsty!
50
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:33,820
Careful. It's hot.
- Thank you.
51
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,656
Will you help me
run some lines?
52
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,140
Yeah, sure.
What do you need?
53
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:42,696
- Page four. Just right there.
- Okay. Yep.
54
00:02:42,697 --> 00:02:46,265
I learned three college-level
lessons that night:
55
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:49,836
One, being an RA
is social suicide.
56
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,805
Two, Duke lacrosse players
57
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,307
are as hot
as they are misogynistic.
58
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:58,311
And three,
nobody wanted to fuck me.
59
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,814
Did I miss a line?
60
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,437
I'm not sure I wanna hear about
your past conquests.
61
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,352
It's just a line, Felix.
62
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,853
No, it's fine.
63
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:08,855
Everyone has a past.
64
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,795
Okay, move over
a little bit, please.
65
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,531
It's not me, it's SFK.
66
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,266
So you got no dick?
67
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,802
Mm, no, I definitely
got dicked down.
68
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,004
All right, relax.
69
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,339
Why you gotta say it like that?
70
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,676
Why are you smiling so wide?
71
00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:32,379
You like taking a trip
down memory lane?
72
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,414
It's all part of my plot.
73
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,816
Plot this, plot that.
74
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:39,285
Are you actually mad?
75
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:40,753
I just don't like
thinking about
76
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:41,887
my missus with another man.
77
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,790
Even if it's just a character.
78
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,659
I get it.
79
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:47,894
I mean, look at me.
80
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:51,031
Covered in glitter,
acting like an unpaid intern.
81
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:52,999
That's love.
82
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,903
More like
best supporting actor.
83
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:00,940
But thank you for doing this.
84
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,981
Okay, let's start here.
85
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:09,064
Yep.
86
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,521
As I woke up
cuddling a box of Cinnastix
87
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,121
and Cheesy Bread from Domino's,
88
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:17,890
scrolling through
all the party pics
89
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,759
that were posted on Facebook,
90
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,695
it was kind of like
Getty Images,
91
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,563
but ratchet.
92
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:24,997
I got this unshakable feeling
93
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,767
that if I wanted to
rack up my body count,
94
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,502
something would have to change.
95
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:33,606
I mean, college was
a chance for reinvention.
96
00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:36,543
I could literally
lie about anything
97
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:37,877
and no one would know.
98
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,815
So the following morning,
I snorted a line of Adderall,
99
00:04:41,816 --> 00:04:43,716
put on a fugly dress
from Lilly Pulitzer,
100
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,117
and told the first person I knew
101
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,987
that I legally changed
my middle name to fucking,
102
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,456
which would make me...
103
00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:52,525
Serena fucking Kerrigan.
104
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,661
Exactly. And it worked.
105
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,866
SFK was a sickening
version of myself.
106
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,033
I was obsessed with her,
107
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,904
so I kept putting her
on everything,
108
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,804
including these $300
109
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,039
monogrammed pillowcases
from Pottery Barn,
110
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,042
so that whoever
woke up next to me
111
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:11,711
would know exactly
who they got with.
112
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:14,747
A couple weeks later,
113
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,917
I was invited
to my first off-campus party
114
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,752
and it was
Dazed and Confused theme.
115
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,123
And I was confused.
I was panicking.
116
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,493
But then for the first time,
I asked myself,
117
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:29,963
"What would SFK do?"
118
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,499
She would buy some weed.
119
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,801
A couple hours later,
I marched into that party
120
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,639
with what I can only describe as
a Project Runway winning piece,
121
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,709
an elaborate necklace
with joints hanging off of it.
122
00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:47,680
I haven't gotten
that much attention
123
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,785
since I gave a handjob like this
in the seventh grade.
124
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,421
Everyone was asking
to take pictures with me
125
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,690
as if I was
some kind of celebrity.
126
00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,459
That's who SFK was.
127
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:00,694
A celebrity.
128
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,701
Why haven't you been
picking up my calls?
129
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:09,002
My phone died.
130
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:12,105
I will choose to believe that
against my better judgment.
131
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,207
Serena, we have an issue.
132
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,042
What's up?
133
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,877
Meghan Markle just canceled.
134
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,946
Did you really think
she was gonna show up?
135
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,214
What do you mean?
We met in 2016
136
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,449
and our lives have not been
the same since.
137
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:26,118
If Meghan doesn't attend,
the press is gonna back out.
138
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,387
If the press backs out,
139
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,755
then it'll be significantly
more difficult to sell shows,
140
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:32,659
which means your live touring
career is in jeopardy.
141
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:35,228
- That feels dramatic.
- Am I on speakerphone?
142
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:37,063
Can't we just
find someone else?
143
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,231
Well, the most famous person
that follows you is AOC,
144
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,734
and she's a little busy.
145
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:46,573
Let's just sit with this
and connect later.
146
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:48,041
All right. Bye.
147
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,479
Who else am I gonna invite?
148
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,215
No one's gonna show up.
This is so embarrassing.
149
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,218
Don't let it get to your head.
150
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:00,854
We still have time
to find someone.
151
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:05,225
Not just someone.
We need a celebrity.
152
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:15,201
SFK. A celebrity.
A star in her own world.
153
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,538
She struts down the sidewalk
like it's a red carpet.
154
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,539
Every word
that comes out of her mouth
155
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:23,043
is just future practice
for an Oscar speech.
156
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,645
And every outfit worn
is meant to be photographed
157
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:26,980
by the paparazzi...
158
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,063
or her mom.
159
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,123
Eventually,
I stopped suffering from
160
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,557
multiple personality disorder,
161
00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:41,561
and SFK and Serena became one.
162
00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:45,165
And I finally got my body count
up to my GPA...
163
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,800
without the decimal.
164
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:50,970
So take it from me:
165
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,172
create a character,
166
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,973
and love that character
fiercely.
167
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,009
Whenever you're
feeling insecure,
168
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,211
I want you to turn
that bitch on
169
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,814
with as much intensity
as your Dyson air wrap,
170
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:04,284
get the fuck out there
and start living your life.
171
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,826
But first, you have to accept
that you're not playing a part.
172
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:13,927
This is still you.
173
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,164
This is the confident,
fearless, unapologetic you.
174
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,867
And SFK is me.
175
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,807
I can't believe Meghan bailed.
176
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:30,242
Well, I can't believe
she said yes to begin with.
177
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,644
Look, it's only Wednesday.
178
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,728
We still have time
to find a replacement.
179
00:08:33,729 --> 00:08:35,147
It's Wednesday?
180
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,649
Actually, Sere,
181
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,685
it�s What Would SFK Do?
Wednesday.
182
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,019
Should we answer
some questions?
183
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,154
Yeah. Any good ones?
184
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,257
Uh... Oh.
185
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:47,594
Someone asked,
"What do I wear to see my ex?"
186
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:49,996
A trash bag
if he's going inside of you.
187
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,197
Touch�.
188
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,667
Next question.
Okay, this one's for you.
189
00:08:53,668 --> 00:08:54,633
Okay.
190
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:56,770
"Who's the next guest
on your podcast?"
191
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,639
I'm taking a brief hiatus.
I got to make sure
192
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,608
that Gertrude here
gets to L.A. safely,
193
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,242
but can't wait
to get back to the show
194
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,145
once we're home
in New York City.
195
00:09:05,146 --> 00:09:07,179
By the way, Gertrude
is the name of the coffin,
196
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,782
not his sneaky link.
197
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,152
Okay, um- Okay.
198
00:09:12,153 --> 00:09:13,986
"I keep making eye contact
with a hot guy
199
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,622
in a grocery store.
What do I do?"
200
00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:17,190
Stop with the eye contact.
201
00:09:17,191 --> 00:09:18,991
Go up to him
and introduce yourself.
202
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,760
Mm, no.
I think you should smile.
203
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,428
Give him a signal.
- I'm telling you,
204
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,263
it's hot when girls come up
and talk to you.
205
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,166
Mm-mm, mm-mm. No.
He should approach.
206
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,267
Just eye fuck him.
207
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,635
Eye fuck him?
208
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,837
Yeah, like this.
209
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,778
Told you, eye fucking works.
210
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:43,378
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