Original subtitles

* Whoa! * * Attention *

* Yeah! *

* I need attention *

* Give me that * * Give me that *

* Okay *

* Give me your attention *

[crowd cheering]

* I need attention * * Did I mention her? *

* Give me attention *

-It was 2009.

"Just Dance" is playing on my iPod touch.

Audrina Patridge just got robbed by The Bling Ring,

and Kanye West just told Taylor Swift,

"I'mma let you finish."

She can finish herself, thank you very much.

And me? Well, I was thriving.

I put the fresh in freshmen and the man in,

well, not me quite yet.

[audience chuckles]

I was at my New York City high school,

living out my Serena van der Woodsen fantasy,

if I was a stoner and didn't kill anyone.

It was at high school where I met Chris,

the junior in my filmmaking class,

the Wes Anderson to my Sofia Coppola.

I fell in love as I squirted...

[audience laughing]

Visine into his eyes while we rolled blunts

and talked about The Big Lebowski

for the tenth time, even though...

I've never seen that movie.

[people laughing]

Sometimes liking boys is like a mental illness.

* Oh, it's gonna be * * A good day *

[***]

* Yup, I know you * * Want in on this feeling *

* But let me tell you now *

* You want it , you got it * * Straight to the ceiling *

* Wish you would hear me now *

* Follow me this way * * It's not too late *

* You can have * * This feeling every day *

* Always gonna be a good day *

* Woo hoo woo hoo hoo! * * Woo hoo hoo *

* You can't touch me! *

* Woo hoo woo hoo hoo! * * Woo hoo hoo *

* You can't touch me! *

* Woo hoo woo hoo hoo! * * Woo hoo hoo *

[whistling]

* Give me all you got *

[whistling]

* You can't touch me *

[birds chirping]

Felix: Charcuterie board?

Babe.

-Bon appetit.

[phone buzzing]

What is that?

-I set an alarm so we know when to get back on the road.

-Aye, aye, cap.

-If you want to get to your show on time,

we have to follow the schedule.

-What are you doing?

-I brought a map in case we lose service.

-Put that away. You're giving me second-hand embarrassment.

-I'm gonna be the one cringing

when you're late to your own show. Let's eat.

-Okay, but first, can you take a photo of me?

It's not every day I'm in the wilderness.

* Let's have a real good time *

[upbeat music playing]

* Let's have a real good time *

[chuckles] Yeah, good. Sexy.

Mm, hot.

* Let's have a real good time *

-Not horizontal.

-It's fine. It's a good angle.

* Let's have a real good time *

Obsessed. Slay.

[phone ringing]

* Let's have a real good time *

-It's Jasmine.

-Great news. I can't believe I'm saying this,

but your show's not only sold out, there's a waitlist.

-No way. How many people?

-Like three.

-Oh. -I know, I'm shocked.

Who knew you were the hot ticket?

-Isn't that why you signed me?

-Of course. I'm just so intuitive,

it scares me. -Uh-huh.

-When are you getting to California?

-When are we getting to California?

-Approximately 47 hours, 21 minutes,

30 seconds broken up over a couple days.

-Soon.

-Well, we need you here

at least three hours before the show

for glam, soundcheck and meet & greet.

-Copy. Bye.

[sighs]

Wait.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want you to get ambushed.

I think you should read this.

Chris was my first Valentine.

I'll never forget our date to the Natural History Museum.

We smoked joints at the Hayden Planetarium

on 79th Street, and I was literally on cloud nine.

Then afterwards, we exchanged gifts.

He gave me a mixtape of bands that people pay to forget,

and I gave him head

in a bush across the street in Central Park.

Gift giving is clearly my love language.

I was obsessed with Chris,

and he was also obsessed with his ex, Carolina.

[audience laughing

[scoffs] I'm glad you find that funny.

As Chris and I were exchanging I love yous over AIM,

he was accepting a relationship status request on Facebook

from a girl that he claimed to be over.

And it's not like Chris ended things.

He just kept making excuses

like, "I'm gonna do it soon."

"Be patient."

"By the way, I'm Mormon."

[people laughing]

So I did what I had to do.

I accepted my fate and I moved on.

Which is all chronicled in my Juicy Couture diary

that I made my dad go into

an all out bidding war on eBay for.

[people laughing]

[exhales]

"I had sex with Chris, and guess what?

I'm in love with him.

He has a huge dick...

and is a big dick."

[crowd chuckling]

And then I sought revenge.

[audience cheering]

"This Serena Kerrigan chick's live show

sounds like a train wreck of narcissism

and cringe-worthy oversharing.

It's not empowering.

It's a desperate grab for attention.

It's like watching a car crash in slow motion,

except her car's her career.

SFK needs a reality check, not an audience."

Maybe they're right.

Maybe this whole thing is a disaster.

And I do look like some delusional narcissist up there.

-Why do you even read that garbage?

-I didn't. Chloe sent it to me.

[sobs]

I just feel like you're missing the entire point.

Like, it's-

Yes, the show is about me, but it's not only about me.

It's- It's to own your mistakes and empower my audience.

-Exactly. So practice what you preach.

-But what if I'm just embarrassing myself up there

and nobody's telling me?

-You just sold out your live show, Serena.

500 people bought tickets to see you.

-What if they're just coming to watch the car crash?

-Okay. Okay. Let's try something.

Read more of them out loud.

-Read more? Are you kidding me?

-Yeah.

Exposure therapy.

The more you face it, the less it stings.

-Like anal?

Uh... "It's obvious Serena's whole 'SFK' persona

"is just a facade to hide how insecure she really is."

-Coming from someone writing on an anonymous message board.

-Okay, hold on.

"Serena looks like she's 40.

She gets uglier and older by the day."

-40 is the new 30.

Wait, does that make you my mom?

-Ew.

[both laugh]

I'm fuming.

As the great philosopher Carrie Fisher taught me.

not personally,

take your broken heart and make it into art

or defamation.

This was the year I made my first short film.

It was about a freshman girl who got her heart broken

by a junior boy who left her for his ex-girlfriend.

Write what you know, I guess.

Thanks to Chris, I found my calling.

This film changed the trajectory of my entire life.

I ended up winning Best Film

at my high school's film festival,

which is the only trophy I've ever won...

thus far.

The point isn't to talk about

my extreme talent as a filmmaker,

it's that you're a Google fucking map

constantly getting rerouted.

Rejection feels so painful,

but it is always redirecting you to something better.

Like that one time I auditioned to be a host at E! News

and I bombed it

because I literally couldn't read the teleprompter.

[people laughing]

But then, the Pandemi Lovato happened,

that show got canceled,

and I ended up getting interviewed by E! News

about my experience confidence coaching

a Bachelorcontestant.

Do you think that this would have happened

if I had moved to L.A. and learned how to read?

[people laughing]

I don't think so.

Rejection is the universe catapulting you

into the plotline you're actually meant to star in.

Or at least that's what I like to tell myself.

[audience cheering and applauding]

There's something here about you, too.

-Oh, really? Read me the best one.

-"Young Fefe is a 23-year-old

jobless, moneyless, wannabe influencer."

-Okay, first of all, I'm 24 now.

-"And he can't even take a good photo of his girlfriend."

-Okay, see, that one hurts.

I've been getting all the good angles.

-You have. -I'm very well trained.

[chuckles]

Do you see how dumb this shit is?

Two minutes of our lives we'll never get back.

-You're right.

Fuck what people think.

Can I drive? Please?

-Only if you stop reading Reddit.

-Deal.

[car doors close]

[GPS beeps]

Oh my God. -What?

-I just took my breath away.

[heavy thud]

[***]

* Taking life * * Way too seriously lately *

* Looking for something * * To entertain me *

* I don't know who I am *

* But I'm so good * * At impressions *

* Still don't have * * The answers *

* But I'm tired * * Of asking questions *

* Where to be * * When I'm waiting *

[singing continues]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0