Original subtitles

[***]

Narrator: Once upon a time, a young woman named Serena

was just like everyone else,

questioning herself, chasing validation,

and obsessed with attention or lack thereof from fuckboys.

Invisible, insecure,

consumed with the opinions of others,

until one day she had enough.

[***]

* I can see you clear *

Narrator: And that's when her alter ego, SFK was born.

-You're Serena fucking Kerrigan.

* Older, hotter and wiser * * And I'm living it up *

* Yeah I'm living it up * * Yeah I'm living it *

* I'm older, hotter and wiser *

Narrator: Then self-proclaimed Queen of Confidence

transformed her alter ego into an empire,

and millions followed through social media.

-I'm a confidence coach. I'm a fucking genius.

And listen up, because I'm not fucking around here.

Narrator: Product lines and sold-out live tours

across the country.

She created a movement

empowering others to take control

and become the main character of their own lives.

-Yeah, I did.

Narrator: And now SFK's about to...

-...take on her biggest adventure yet.

For one night only, next weekend,

the Queen of Confidence will take Hollywood by storm.

-Babe, where do these go?

-The black one goes in my suitcase

and the pink one goes in SFK's.

-You wrapping up the trailer? -Almost done.

I can't believe we've been together for nearly two years

and you still haven't seen my show.

-You're gonna crush it.

Also, how hot does it get in L.A. in December?

-Hot.

And it's about to get even hotter.

* Older, hotter and wiser * * And I'm living it up *

[audience applauding]

* Older, hotter and wiser * * And I'm living it up *

[applause fades]

-Can I say something that no one has ever said

in Los Angeles before?

I turned 30 this year.

[audience gasps]

I know.

Another year older, check.

Hotter...

[audience cheering]

check.

Wiser?

We'll get back to that.

[audience laughing]

People say that something changes when you turn 30,

and they're absolutely right.

I stopped doing coke...

as much.

I traded in my therapist for a psychic,

and I started giving head again.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

[audience applauding]

It feels like only yesterday when I crashed

a girl's bachelorette party in Mykonos,

and as I was chugging from a magnum of ros�,

I took one look at the bride and I thought,

"Hmm. How can I make this about me?"

[audience exclaims]

[sighing]

Tonight I'm gonna teach you how to become the main character

of your fucking life.

For those still stuck in supporting roles,

being the main character means metabolizing trauma

and turning it into life energy.

My trauma is that I've been on 300 first dates

and I'm still single.

[crowd murmuring]

It might take someone like me ten years to blow up overnight,

but it took me 30 years to become the main character,

and I had to learn each of these lessons

slowly and painfully.

But I won't say that I didn't enjoy it

because I do like it rough.

[audience laughing]

Luckily, I had me in my life and now I'm in yours.

Because I'm a girlboss,

and yeah, sometimes I gaslight,

but I most certainly never gatekeep.

[audience cheering]

Raise your hand

if this is the first time seeing me perform.

Okay, okay.

Raise your hand if you have no idea who I fucking am.

[gasps]

Okay, well, thank you for your honesty.

Can somebody tell them who I fucking am?

Audience: SFK!

-I didn't hear you. What?

Audience: SFK!

-Good.

And because you paid,

I present to you the SF commandments.

[audience cheering and clapping]

[***]

* The minute I open my eyes *

* I'm on the hunt * * For a good time *

* I want my body to move * * And the bass to boom *

* I'm in the room * * When she comes to life *

* The minute * * I step out the door *

* I'm lookin around * * Searching for more *

* Not a moment to lose * * Not a minute to waste *

* I'mma live to the max * * Free every day *

* Once I start *

[cellphone ringing]

* There's no stopping me *

-Hello.

What is it?

[chuckles] I'll be right there.

Felix! She's here.

[***]

Oh... my... God!

[doorman groans]

-Oh my God!

She's perfect.

-I'm sorry for your loss.

-What? No.

-I'd say it gets easier, but it don't.

-Miss Kerrigan?

-Yes?

-You need to get this out of the way.

-This is a masterpiece.

It took a 1000 hours

to glue on all 50,000 Swarovski crystals,

each hand placed and color matched,

and the interior,

imported silk from Kyoto, Japan.

Vegan and dyed to match the exact shade

of Barbie's Dreamhouse Pink

that you can't even get in the United States.

And the studs, I'm so glad you asked.

I was thinking rose gold, but I'm really glad

that I went with the gold plated.

-It's blocking the hallway.

-This is art, Mr. Pascal.

-This is a fire hazard, Miss Kerrigan.

Please move it.

-Fine.

[doorman groans]

[sighs]

Men just love ruining my esthetic.

We're all born with confidence.

Until some little prepubescent fucker

blows up our entire sense of self,

and we spend the next years of our lives

mentally undoing the trauma.

It all started for me when I was 12.

And if you think that becoming a woman

happens at your bat mitzvah, it doesn't.

It happens at Jewish sleepaway camp.

[audience laughing]

As a successful entrepreneur, I pitched-

begged my parents to pay an exorbitant amount of money

to send me to a camp so that I could play a fork,

a non-speaking role in Beauty & The Beast,

and make friendship bracelets to give to no one.

[audience laughing]

And this camp was elite.

It was like Gossip Girl, but kosher.

Everyone was hot and horny,

and it was an absolute slaughterhouse

for my self-esteem.

Quickly, I was bestowed the name "George Bush"

because I had two pubic hairs on my vagina.

[audience exclaims]

Later that became "granny"

because, sorry, I didn't own a G-string in seventh grade.

Euphoriahadn't come out yet.

Missed opportunity to call me George Bush senior.

But see, that shit builds character.

Every day I would call my Argentinean mom sobbing

and she would say,

[speaking Spanish]

[audience laughing]

So, ostracized or not,

I knew I had eight weeks to accomplish something

or someone.

I was ready for some dick. I mean, my first kiss.

[audience laughing]

[sighs]

But I got poison ivy,

so the only thing that I was rubbing up against

was a rash.

[audience laughing]

[mouthing] Yup.

To the right. To the left.

A little to the right.

Um, to the left.

[Felix groans]

What do you mean it's too big?

I've literally never encountered this problem before.

-Babe, it's stuck. Can you help? -Hang on.

Here.

I mean, it shouldn't be this hard.

The airline won't take the coffin.

Apparently, you need a permit to fly a coffin,

even if there isn't a dead body in it.

-Can't you just get one in L.A.?

-Felix, they don't die in LA. They just get younger.

-Costco sells coffins, you know.

-[sighs] Believe it or not,

I don't have a membership to Costco.

-Right. And I'm sure there's no way around that issue.

-Hmm.

[***]

-Serena, what the fuck?

Where'd you get the saw? We barely owned two forks.

-So while I might not be able to ship her whole,

I can cut her up into pieces and mail them individually.

-Stop. You're not cutting the coffin into little bits.

That's crazy.

-Felix, I can't do my show without it.

This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it's gonna hurt you.

[phone ringing]

Oh. Hold that thought.

Jasmine, they won't let me fly the coffin.

Jasmine: What coffin?

-The prop for my show. Should I try to ship it?

Jasmine: Why don't you just drive it?

It could be an opportunity for a brand deal.

I bet I can get a car sponsor.

Trying to cash in on a moment like this?

Brilliant.

My preference would be a G-wagon or maybe a Range Rover,

or even a pink Jeep to match the coffin.

But it would have to be the right shade of pink, though.

You'll figure it out. Bye.

I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

-What? -I'm a genius.

What if we drive?

-Drive to Los Angeles?

Serena, no. -Road trip.

-Our life isn't a movie, Sere.

Also, you don't even know how to drive.

-Our life isn't a movie yet.

And you can drive. You love to drive.

-I literally can't afford to take another week off from work.

Plus, I already have two guests lined up

for the podcast next week.

-Mm-hmm. I understand,

but I've toured this show across the country,

but this time it's different. This is Hollywood.

If it goes perfectly, then I can take it anywhere,

and I might even get a streaming deal.

Global domination.

I left camp distraught,

realizing that I wasn't the person

that everyone wanted me to be and that held me back.

So the following year I would come back fucking ready,

but not in the way that you might think.

While George Bush senior was not reelected,

my bush served another term.

I stopped wearing granny panties

because I stopped wearing panties altogether.

And when it came to making out with boys

underneath the canteen...

well, let me just say that the line for me was longer

than the line for the infirmary during the lice epidemic.

Okay, that last part may not have been true,

but that summer, I learned a valuable lesson.

You can rewrite your own story.

Throughout your life, people will attempt to

box you in, dictate your identity,

and make you feel like a fucking loser.

But the truth is,

there's only one person that can identify who you are.

And that's you, bitch.

You are the writer, producer, director, star,

even gaffer of your life.

[audience laughing]

If you want to make a change, you can.

So it's time to step into the spotlight of your own story.

Because who needs a fairy godmother

when you can make your own magic?

Bippity boppity boo, bitch!

Your fairy tale starts now.

* Walk in the room like a CEO *

* I handle my biz * * Like a one man show *

* I'm a boss * * And that ain't gonna change *

* Making moves * * With a smile on my face *

* Everybody wanna be rich *

* Everybody wanna get * * To the top of the hills *

* Get money, get bills * * Cheap thrills *

* If you don't know now * * Now you know *

* Woo! *

* One, two, three *

* Come with me *

* Yeah you'll see *

* The grass is greener * * On the other side *

* One, two, three * * One, two, three *

* Come with me * * Come with me *

* Yeah you'll see *

* We're gonna * * Reach for the sky *

* We bring the sunshine * * Everywhere we go *

* Good times * * Yeah, we on a roll *

* Living life * * Feels good on top *

* We winnin' * * And we ain't gonna stop *

* We bring the sunshine * * Everywhere we go *

* Good times * * Yeah, we on a roll *

* Livin' life * Feels good on top *

* We winning * * And we ain't gonna stop *

* La dee da dee da dee * * Da dee da da da da *

* We winning * * And we ain't gonna stop *

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