All language subtitles for Older Hotter Wiser s01e01 Bippity Boppity Boo.eng

[***]

Narrator: Once upon a time,
a young woman named Serena

was just like everyone else,

questioning herself,
chasing validation,

and obsessed with attention
or lack thereof from fuckboys.

Invisible, insecure,

consumed with
the opinions of others,

until one day she had enough.

[***]

* I can see you clear *

Narrator: And that's when
her alter ego, SFK was born.

-You're Serena fucking Kerrigan.

* Older, hotter and wiser *
* And I'm living it up *

* Yeah I'm living it up *
* Yeah I'm living it *

* I'm older, hotter and wiser *

Narrator: Then self-proclaimed
Queen of Confidence

transformed her alter ego
into an empire,

and millions followed
through social media.

-I'm a confidence coach.
I'm a fucking genius.

And listen up, because I'm not
fucking around here.

Narrator: Product lines
and sold-out live tours

across the country.

She created a movement

empowering others
to take control

and become the main character
of their own lives.

-Yeah, I did.

Narrator:
And now SFK's about to...

-...take on
her biggest adventure yet.

For one night only,
next weekend,

the Queen of Confidence
will take Hollywood by storm.

-Babe, where do these go?

-The black one
goes in my suitcase

and the pink one goes in SFK's.

-You wrapping up the trailer?
-Almost done.

I can't believe we've been
together for nearly two years

and you still
haven't seen my show.

-You're gonna crush it.

Also, how hot does it get
in L.A. in December?

-Hot.

And it's about to get
even hotter.

* Older, hotter and wiser *
* And I'm living it up *

[audience applauding]

* Older, hotter and wiser *
* And I'm living it up *

[applause fades]

-Can I say something
that no one has ever said

in Los Angeles before?

I turned 30 this year.

[audience gasps]

I know.

Another year older, check.

Hotter...

[audience cheering]

check.

Wiser?

We'll get back to that.

[audience laughing]

People say that something
changes when you turn 30,

and they're absolutely right.

I stopped doing coke...

as much.

I traded in my therapist
for a psychic,

and I started giving head again.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

[audience applauding]

It feels like only yesterday
when I crashed

a girl's bachelorette party
in Mykonos,

and as I was chugging
from a magnum of ros�,

I took one look at the bride
and I thought,

"Hmm. How can I
make this about me?"

[audience exclaims]

[sighing]

Tonight I'm gonna teach you
how to become the main character

of your fucking life.

For those still stuck
in supporting roles,

being the main character
means metabolizing trauma

and turning it into life energy.

My trauma is that
I've been on 300 first dates

and I'm still single.

[crowd murmuring]

It might take someone like me
ten years to blow up overnight,

but it took me 30 years
to become the main character,

and I had to learn
each of these lessons

slowly and painfully.

But I won't say
that I didn't enjoy it

because I do like it rough.

[audience laughing]

Luckily, I had me in my life
and now I'm in yours.

Because I'm a girlboss,

and yeah, sometimes I gaslight,

but I most certainly
never gatekeep.

[audience cheering]

Raise your hand

if this is the first time
seeing me perform.

Okay, okay.

Raise your hand if you have
no idea who I fucking am.

[gasps]

Okay, well,
thank you for your honesty.

Can somebody tell them
who I fucking am?

Audience: SFK!

-I didn't hear you. What?

Audience: SFK!

-Good.

And because you paid,

I present to you
the SF commandments.

[audience cheering
and clapping]

[***]

* The minute I open my eyes *

* I'm on the hunt *
* For a good time *

* I want my body to move *
* And the bass to boom *

* I'm in the room *
* When she comes to life *

* The minute *
* I step out the door *

* I'm lookin around *
* Searching for more *

* Not a moment to lose *
* Not a minute to waste *

* I'mma live to the max *
* Free every day *

* Once I start *

[cellphone ringing]

* There's no stopping me *

-Hello.

What is it?

[chuckles] I'll be right there.

Felix! She's here.

[***]

Oh... my... God!

[doorman groans]

-Oh my God!

She's perfect.

-I'm sorry for your loss.

-What? No.

-I'd say it gets easier,
but it don't.

-Miss Kerrigan?

-Yes?

-You need to get
this out of the way.

-This is a masterpiece.

It took a 1000 hours

to glue on all 50,000
Swarovski crystals,

each hand placed
and color matched,

and the interior,

imported silk from Kyoto, Japan.

Vegan and dyed
to match the exact shade

of Barbie's Dreamhouse Pink

that you can't even get
in the United States.

And the studs,
I'm so glad you asked.

I was thinking rose gold,
but I'm really glad

that I went with
the gold plated.

-It's blocking the hallway.

-This is art, Mr. Pascal.

-This is a fire hazard,
Miss Kerrigan.

Please move it.

-Fine.

[doorman groans]

[sighs]

Men just love
ruining my esthetic.

We're all born with confidence.

Until some little
prepubescent fucker

blows up
our entire sense of self,

and we spend
the next years of our lives

mentally undoing the trauma.

It all started for me
when I was 12.

And if you think
that becoming a woman

happens at your bat mitzvah,
it doesn't.

It happens
at Jewish sleepaway camp.

[audience laughing]

As a successful entrepreneur,
I pitched-

begged my parents to pay
an exorbitant amount of money

to send me to a camp
so that I could play a fork,

a non-speaking role
in Beauty & The Beast,

and make friendship bracelets
to give to no one.

[audience laughing]

And this camp was elite.

It was like Gossip Girl,
but kosher.

Everyone was hot and horny,

and it was
an absolute slaughterhouse

for my self-esteem.

Quickly, I was bestowed
the name "George Bush"

because I had two pubic hairs
on my vagina.

[audience exclaims]

Later that became "granny"

because, sorry, I didn't own
a G-string in seventh grade.

Euphoriahadn't come out yet.

Missed opportunity to call me
George Bush senior.

But see,
that shit builds character.

Every day I would call
my Argentinean mom sobbing

and she would say,

[speaking Spanish]

[audience laughing]

So, ostracized or not,

I knew I had eight weeks
to accomplish something

or someone.

I was ready for some dick.
I mean, my first kiss.

[audience laughing]

[sighs]

But I got poison ivy,

so the only thing
that I was rubbing up against

was a rash.

[audience laughing]

[mouthing] Yup.

To the right.
To the left.

A little to the right.

Um, to the left.

[Felix groans]

What do you mean
it's too big?

I've literally never encountered
this problem before.

-Babe, it's stuck. Can you help?
-Hang on.

Here.

I mean,
it shouldn't be this hard.

The airline won't
take the coffin.

Apparently, you need
a permit to fly a coffin,

even if there isn't
a dead body in it.

-Can't you just get one in L.A.?

-Felix, they don't die in LA.
They just get younger.

-Costco sells coffins, you know.

-[sighs] Believe it or not,

I don't have a membership
to Costco.

-Right. And I'm sure there's
no way around that issue.

-Hmm.

[***]

-Serena, what the fuck?

Where'd you get the saw?
We barely owned two forks.

-So while I might not be
able to ship her whole,

I can cut her up into pieces
and mail them individually.

-Stop. You're not cutting
the coffin into little bits.

That's crazy.

-Felix, I can't do my show
without it.

This is gonna hurt me a lot more
than it's gonna hurt you.

[phone ringing]

Oh. Hold that thought.

Jasmine, they won't let me
fly the coffin.

Jasmine: What coffin?

-The prop for my show.
Should I try to ship it?

Jasmine:
Why don't you just drive it?

It could be an opportunity
for a brand deal.

I bet I can get a car sponsor.

Trying to cash in
on a moment like this?

Brilliant.

My preference would be a G-wagon
or maybe a Range Rover,

or even a pink Jeep
to match the coffin.

But it would have to be
the right shade of pink, though.

You'll figure it out. Bye.

I don't know why I didn't
think of it before.

-What?
-I'm a genius.

What if we drive?

-Drive to Los Angeles?

Serena, no.
-Road trip.

-Our life isn't a movie, Sere.

Also, you don't even know
how to drive.

-Our life isn't a movie yet.

And you can drive.
You love to drive.

-I literally can't afford to
take another week off from work.

Plus, I already have
two guests lined up

for the podcast next week.

-Mm-hmm. I understand,

but I've toured this show
across the country,

but this time it's different.
This is Hollywood.

If it goes perfectly,
then I can take it anywhere,

and I might even get
a streaming deal.

Global domination.

I left camp distraught,

realizing that
I wasn't the person

that everyone wanted me to be
and that held me back.

So the following year
I would come back fucking ready,

but not in the way
that you might think.

While George Bush senior
was not reelected,

my bush served another term.

I stopped wearing granny panties

because I stopped
wearing panties altogether.

And when it came
to making out with boys

underneath the canteen...

well, let me just say
that the line for me was longer

than the line for the infirmary
during the lice epidemic.

Okay, that last part
may not have been true,

but that summer,
I learned a valuable lesson.

You can rewrite your own story.

Throughout your life,
people will attempt to

box you in,
dictate your identity,

and make you feel like
a fucking loser.

But the truth is,

there's only one person
that can identify who you are.

And that's you, bitch.

You are the writer,
producer, director, star,

even gaffer of your life.

[audience laughing]

If you want to make a change,
you can.

So it's time to step into
the spotlight of your own story.

Because who needs
a fairy godmother

when you can make
your own magic?

Bippity boppity boo, bitch!

Your fairy tale starts now.

* Walk in the room like a CEO *

* I handle my biz *
* Like a one man show *

* I'm a boss *
* And that ain't gonna change *

* Making moves *
* With a smile on my face *

* Everybody wanna be rich *

* Everybody wanna get *
* To the top of the hills *

* Get money, get bills *
* Cheap thrills *

* If you don't know now *
* Now you know *

* Woo! *

* One, two, three *

* Come with me *

* Yeah you'll see *

* The grass is greener *
* On the other side *

* One, two, three *
* One, two, three *

* Come with me *
* Come with me *

* Yeah you'll see *

* We're gonna *
* Reach for the sky *

* We bring the sunshine *
* Everywhere we go *

* Good times *
* Yeah, we on a roll *

* Living life *
* Feels good on top *

* We winnin' *
* And we ain't gonna stop *

* We bring the sunshine *
* Everywhere we go *

* Good times *
* Yeah, we on a roll *

* Livin' life
* Feels good on top *

* We winning *
* And we ain't gonna stop *

* La dee da dee da dee *
* Da dee da da da da *

* We winning *
* And we ain't gonna stop *

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