All language subtitles for Conan.OBrien.Must.Go.S02E01.Spain.2160p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.265-RAWR

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

[wind blowing]

- Earth, a cradle
for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible,
overwhelming--

this planet
mocks our feeble power

to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate

the astounding grandeur
of this planet,

sometimes you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,

base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk-show host,

he has been driven
by a changing ecosystem

to a drier
and harsher climate--

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment

of his studio audience,

this clown
with dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,

is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels--

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent

of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges
in distant lands uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

♪ ♪

This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."

Spain.

- Hey, Conan.
This is Javier.

And I'm calling
from Madrid, Spain.

- Javier, tell me
a little bit about yourself.

What do you do for a living?

- So I've been working
in tourism

as a tourism information agent.

And so tourists--
they have questions.

How can I get here?

How much for the ticket
to the museum?

Can I get a map, you know?

And you answer the questions.
- Okay.

- The job I do, I think
you would be a natural at it.

- When I get a compliment
like that,

I jump on the next plane
to thank them in person.

Hey.
- Hi, sir.

- Javier, when you called me
on the podcast,

you said that you work
in a tourist information booth.

- I do. It's right over there.
- Yeah.

And yesterday
they said no to me

even seeing the inside
of the booth.

Why?
- [sighs]

They saw your show.

- Ooh.

I'm gonna put that booth
out of business.

We're gonna set up this booth,
and this booth

is gonna draw everyone this way
because I've got star pow--

[bell tolling]

Star--
[bell tolls]

Star power!

[bell continues tolling]

Javier, is there any way to put
the cathedral on silent mode?

Hello.

- From Minnesota.
- Oh, Minnesota!

You guys--
you want to buy a map?

Hey, nice to meet you.
What's your name?

- Tim.
- Tim.

- I'm Heather.
- Heather. Oh, sorry.

- This thing is--
- This piece of shit!

- It's not very steady.
- This thing is coming--

Look at--
This just came off.

This is the map
that I've had made up.

You open it up, and it
just says "google it!"

[laughter]

Fucking google it.

I want to see Javier in action.

Ask him a question,
see if he can answer it.

- An easy one, please.

- Talk to me about the changing
of the guard.

- Oh, Jesus.

The big change of the guard
is once a month.

The first--I don't know.

- Once a month?
[laughter]

- Anyway, you know
who knows this.

In there, they know that.
both: Okay.

- I have questions for you.

I notice these characters
that stand around the plaza.

There's a rumor that that's the
king and the queen in there.

That's how they walk
among the people.

- I'm from Madrid, yeah.
- Okay.

Ask me some questions and see
how much I know about Madrid.

- Can you recommend me
some restaurants around here?

- Yes! Sí.

It's a great restaurant.
It's called El Rey de Burger.

- It doesn't--
- Translates to Burger King.

- Oh, okay.

- We don't have a big budget,
as you can see.

- Yeah, I can see this.
- This was for cat surgery.

And then we hosed it down.

What do you do for a living?

¿Qué es su--
watch this-- profesión?

- You're a musician?
- Yeah.

- And ¿qué tipo de música?

- Kind of electronic.
- Electronic music?

- Yeah.
- [robotic vocalizing]

♪ ♪

I came up with that song
when I watched a crow

that was stuck
in a cider press.

- Okay.

- And it was going...
[imitates squawking]

- Yeah, baby!
- Hey, look at that guy!

That's an American right there!

He's loud.
He's like an animal.

Look at him.
Go, America. USA!

He's wearing
an Iron Maiden T-shirt.

He's gonna go right now
to El Rey de Burger.

How are we doing so far?

We've been here, I think,
two hours now.

- Not great.
- Not great.

I think it's the location.

I think we need to be closer
to the booth.

- Let's try it.
- Want to try it?

- Yeah, sure.

- Information coming through!

You--

[light music]

I'll get you!

How about right here?
Is here good enough?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Madrid is a city
that's over 70 years old.

It was founded by Jack Madrid.

If you want the truth,
don't go to the booth!

both: If you want the truth,
don't go to the booth!

- If you are able,
go to the table.

[laughter]

Javier, what is the best way
out of this bit?

- I think we just run.
- We just run?

[laughs]
- Come on, come on!

- It turns out I have
another big fan in Spain,

also named Javier.

I want to see the real Madrid.

I want to see
Javier Bardem's Madrid.

- All right. This is my city.
I grew up here.

I'm very proud of this city
and its people.

Follow me.
- I shall.

- All right.
- Let's do it.

- All right, we
are in El Retiro Park.

- Retiro Park.

- I mean, this is the place
where I spent most

of my time cheating on school.

I was kind of rebellious.

- Rebellious.
- Rebellious.

Come on, little fishes.

I feel like Cleopatra.

- When you go out
with your wife on the boat,

do you make her row?
- [laughs] Of course.

- [laughs]
- I'm a terrible human being.

Well, this is called pipas.
It's a seed.

One, two, and then the tongue.

- Oh.
both: Yeah.

- Yeah.

There you go.
- [spits]

- You're a natural now.
This is chocolate con churros.

And this thing
is very well-known

as the great moment
of the hangover.

You go partying all night,
and then without sleeping,

you take chocolate
with churros.

- I think we should pretend
in this moment

that we have been drinking
all night.

both: No!

- Oh.

- [grunting oddly]

[laughter]

[both grunting]

[both retching]

- Oh, look at that.
- Look at this.

Atlético de Madrid.
That's my team.

- Your team is
Atlético Madrid, huh?

- Yes.

- Well, I got bad
news for you, buddy.

This is called Real Madrid.

- Are you a fan of Real Madrid?
- Huge fan of Real Madrid.

- Since when?
- Oh, since I was a bebé.

- Okay, what's the name of
the coach of the Real Madrid?

- Jeff.

- Okay.
- Jeff.

- What's the name
of the stadium they play?

- They play

in Real Madrid Stadium
Heineken Light.

- Can you name any player
of any soccer team

in history
that you may know of?

- Paul--Paule.

Pe...
- Pel...

- Lé.
- Lé.

- Pelé. Pelé.
- Pelé.

Oh!

- Huge fan, right?
- [laughs]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, Philippines.
Oh.

- I should go there.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Why are you taking pictures
with him?

- Let's do it.
- They love me.

They love me
in the Philippines.

- Do you know who I am?
I'm Antonio Banderas.

I'm Antonio.

- It's Antonio Banderas!

It's Antonio Banderas
from "Puss in Boots."

- "Puss in Boots."
- Yes.

Everyone knows
Spain's biggest exports

are wine and olive oil.

It was 9:00 in the morning,
so it was too late for wine.

I'm standing here
with Aquilino?

- Yes, Aquilino. Yes.
- Is that your name?

- And you like that name?
- Yeah.

It's the one that I have.

- Okay, I could change it
for you if you wish.

- Okay.
- Okay, you're now Frank.

- Thank you.

- How do you gather the olives?

- The traditional way
was to pick them by hand,

using basket.

- Basket, yes.
- Basket.

- You seem to know
a lot about olives,

and you care a lot
about olives.

- Yes.

- But, sir, I've
brought someone with me,

a man who claims to know
a lot about a lot of things.

- Well, first of all, I don't
feel like I'm an expert.

I certainly have had no formal
training in this matter.

Nevertheless--
- Or in any area.

- Right. Well, I'm a television
producer by trade, but--

- I've seen no evidence.

Continue.
- Yes.

I like my olive oil
strong, fuerte--

like a bull, another archetype
of Spanish culture, el toro.

The bull is an uncastrated
unit of male cattle.

That's differentiated from
the steer, which has been--

- And from you,
who was castrated long ago.

- Right.
- [laughing]

- But I--
- Snip, clink, thunk.

[laughter]
Good one, right?

Got him.

Zing.

[laughter]
[imitates explosion]

- I'm coming to you
with concrete information.

- Yeah.
- And I'm being ridiculed.

I'm here giving you cold, hard
facts about the introduction

of the olive tree.

Olive oil was called
"liquid gold"

by the Greek poet Omeros--
you know him as Homer.

My consumption is really
on par with the Greeks.

- So you shit constantly.

You're just a shitting machine.
- I don't see the connection.

- What would happen if I drank
maybe ten gallons

of olive oil today?
- Probably you can die.

- Yeah. But what would happen
just before I died?

- You go poopy.

- There we have it.

There we have the medical term.
You go poopy.

You understand?
- You go poopy.

I don't go poopy
when I drink olive oil.

- Well, few machines go poopy.

I just picked this olive
from the tree.

- Yes.
- I smell it.

- Don't bite it.
- Don't bite it?

- No.
- Why?

It is bitter,
and it doesn't taste good.

- I thought you could just pull
it off the tree and eat it.

Do you do that?
- I do do it.

We are in the land where
this mystical fruit grows,

and we can taste it in all
stages of its development.

I'm not expecting
a fully polished,

finished product here.

But when I taste
the end product,

I want to know
where it came from.

I want to follow this olive
on its journey.

Yeah, that tastes horrible,
but you could try it as well.

- I'm very tempted
because you just bit

into this thing you love
and said it's terrible.

You said it's awful.
So I think, bing.

I think it goes bye-bye.

I apologize
for bringing this to you.

- He's providing a lot of data.

- From the Latin "dah-ta."

But I say "day-ta" in homage

to "Star Trek:
The Next Generation."

My favorite episode might be
"Darmok" from the fifth season.

Nevertheless, do you
know that "data" is,

in fact, the plural of "datum"?

- You?
- Yeah.

- Mistake.
- Mm.

- Shouldn't have brought you.

- My entire existence?
What part of this is a mistake?

- What class did you fly?
'Cause I paid for that ticket.

- I don't talk
about these matters.

- What did I fly him?
Say it was coach.

- You're all obsessed
with class and status.

I'm here with a man
of the Earth, la tierra.

- Answer the question.

What ticket did I buy for you
so you could come here?

- Well, I support the show,

and I believe
I add value to the show.

- What ticket?

- Yes, well, I was in seat 11A.

- 11?
That's pretty far up.

What class is that?

- Do you understand?
- What ticket? 11?

Where was 11?
Where was seat 11?

- You can look
at the airline map.

You can look
at the airline map.

- Where was seat 11?
Just tell me right now.

- It was a Boeing 747.

You do the research.
- Were you in business?

- What class were you in?
- Oh, what do you think?

I'm one of the biggest stars
in the world.

This guy shit his pants
when he saw me.

I was in first--

- That's 'cause he had
too much olive oil.

- Jesus Christ!

Okay, so these baskets
collect the olives.

- You have to...
- Really grab it.

- Get closer to the tree.

- Okay, let's see
what I've done here.

Look at that.

Do you ever throw...

If I threw a rake...

- No, no, because you want
the fruit in the ring,

not on the floor.

- Can we just try it
and see what happens?

I think one fell over there.
- Yes.

- So whose system is better,
do you think?

- Mine.

Guitar break!

[imitates guitar solo]

[imitates aggressive drumming,
rock music]

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

All of us.

Lights out.

See the message at the end?
- Yes.

- We all work together,
all of us.

- Yes.

- These baskets are heavy.

Do you mind if Jordan wears
my basket, too?

- No, no, he cannot have two.

- Why not?
- It's impossible.

- It's not impossible.
We have to try.

You said it was impossible.
- Yes.

- Look.
Look at this.

- How will you
collect your olives?

- I shall not collect olives.

I shall go to the van,
which is air-conditioned,

where I will have
a large bottle of Orangina

and some cinnamon Snackwells!

[echoing]
Snackwells!

[upbeat music]

When your high-school Spanish
is as good as mine,

you head straight
to a recording studio

to do voiceover work.

I'm at Best Digital.

This is the place where
they do all of the dubbing.

If it's spoken in Spanish
or if Spanish has been added,

it's done here.

What is the art to doing this,

to overdubbing
in a different language?

- We try to not be noticed.

- People should think
I've become that famous actor

if I do it correctly.
- Yeah.

- Which I won't.

Hola. ¿Tu nombre?

- Carles.
- Nikki.

- Nikki.
And which voices have you done?

- Is that Google Maps?
- It is.

- Google Maps!
- Yeah.

- In this ad, I think
there's a voiceover,

but then there's a caveman
who I think has a sore throat.

- Yeah.

- I think I should
be the caveman.

- [speaking Spanish]
- [hoarsely] Lizipaina.

- [speaking Spanish]

- [rasping]
- [continues speaking Spanish]

- [speaking Spanish]

Look, commercials are fine.

I would like to be the voice
of some serious A-list actors.

We have a scene here
from "Taken," Liam Neeson.

- Yeah.

- If you're looking
for ransom,

I can tell you
I don't have money.

But what I do have

are a very particular set
of skills.

- He says, I don't
have any money.

He could get some money.
His daughter is on the line.

Get some money.

[gravelly voice]
Oh, there's nothing I can't do,

except go to an ATM.
[laughter]

- [speaking Spanish]
- [speaking Spanish]

But, also, should I put
a little Irish accent in there?

[speaking Spanish
with Irish accent]

[laughter]
- Maybe.

- [speaking Spanish
with Irish accent]

- You know,
I'm becoming Gollum.

- Yeah, a bit.
- [raspy voice] My precious.

[normal voice]
All right, let me try--

I'm not gonna be
less Gollum now.

Let's try it again.
I'll get this.

God damn it!

Liam Neeson's gonna hear that
the next time he's in Spain

and think, when did I do that?

That's extremely good acting.

It's very intense.
- Yeah.

- What I'd like to do now
is go way the other way.

Have you guys seen
the "Fast & Furious" movies?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- The thing
about street fights...

the street always wins.

♪ ♪

- The thing about street fights
is the street always wins.

Dom knew that the fault line
of the cracks

created by the missile would
exactly surround his enemy.

Dom's character
is a structural engineer.

The secret
to Vin Diesel's acting

is that he's not acting, right?

- The secret for this

is to look
in the eye of the actor.

- There's nothing in there.
I've looked in his eyes.

It's like an empty warehouse.

And then just a little--

a little mouse skitters
across the floor.

[laughter]
[squeaking]

And then it sees me. It goes...
[squeaking]

Then it runs back.

They studied Vin Diesel.

He's technically
a desert cactus.

[laughter]
He is.

He needs very little water,
just a little gravel.

He was purchased on a roadside
by a producer

who was gonna put him
in his kitchen and then said,

no, he'd be good in these
"Fast & Furious" movies

if we can make 35 of them and
they get worse as they go.

Huh?

Oh, fire.

Idea forming.

Stomp!

David, am I...

the best Spanish-language
voiceover actor

in the world?

Yes, you are
the best in the world

and the most handsome.

That part was unnecessary
for me to say,

but I could not help myself.

- Hey, Conan.

My name is Bruno,
and I'm from Madrid, Spain.

- What do you do?

- So I work as an airline pilot
here in--

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, my God.

Does your uniform have little
epaulets on the shoulders?

- Yeah.
- Damn it!

I want to wear epaulets.

Do you think I would make
a good pilot, Bruno?

Do you think
I have what it takes?

- Uh, you know...

- Oh, come on.
- I don't know. Maybe--

[flamenco music]

Bruno!
- Nice to meet you.

- How are you?

Today we are gonna be working
in a flight simulator.

- Yes.

- And by the way,
do you know all the pilots?

- Yeah.
- Diego! Diego!

I'm gonna show you if I was
a pilot and I was on a date,

how I would reveal
that information, okay?

Ask me what it is I do.

- What do you do
for a living, Conan?

- I'm a pilot.

Bruno, I'm just curious.

What is it you do for a living?

- I'm a pilot.
- No.

[imitate whoosh]
I'm a pilot.

Just try it.

- [imitates whoosh]
I'm a pilot.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[whoosh]

- Look at you.
You have three. I have four.

What does this make me?
- That makes you the captain.

- So I outrank you?
- Yeah.

- This is fantastic.

And what about the mustache?
- Yeah, very pilot-ish.

- Why don't you ask me just
one more time what it is I do?

- What do you do
for a living, Conan?

- What, are you stupid?

I'm wearing
an airline pilot's outfit.

- Yeah, well,
it's a beautiful aircraft.

- Yeah.

- And it looks quite
realistic, doesn't it?

- It looks very realistic.

I mean, I really believe we're
about to take off in a plane.

- Yeah.

- Are there switches that
I can flick that do no harm?

- This over here.

- Excuse me, but I'm just gonna
make sure--

a few adjustments.

There we go.
And then...

Yeah.
- There you go, yeah.

- Okay.

And then I'm gonna do--
Yeah, okay.

- Yeah.
So, basically, you got--

- Excuse me, just one sec.

Okay.
There we go.

Yes?
- All right.

This is the throttle.

This controls--
- Excuse me.

Okay.
I just saved our lives.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I mean, you're goofing around.
I'm actually flying the plane.

- [chuckles]

- This is cool.

I am taxiing.

I'm not quite in the center.

Okay, I went way
over to the side.

I have new respect for taxiing.

- Push it forward all the way.
- All the way?

- All the way.
- Here we go.

My speed is increasing.

- And now, smoothly,
you pull backwards.

- Smoothly pull back.

Oh, man.
- A bit more.

- Yes!
- There you go.

Stop pulling.
- Stop pulling.

Level off.

- And gear up.

- [laughing]

Yes!

God.

Hey, look, is that
the moon or the sun?

- That's the sun.
- Okay.

I better learn the difference
between those two

if I'm gonna become a pilot.

- There you go.
That's Madrid.

- Look at Madrid.

Do you get to eat much
when you're in the cockpit?

Do they serve you treats?
I bet there's a no-soup rule.

This stuff looks like you don't
want to eat soup around it.

- Yeah, so--
- No soup.

- All this is no-go
for the soup.

- Yeah.
- But we got a table.

- Oh, look at that.

So this table comes out.

- There you go.
- I could do this.

That'd get annoying, right?

- Yeah, for four hours
straight,

I think it would drive me
a bit annoyed.

- Yeah, now you're talking.

Yes!

See, maybe I'm a kind of
a fun co-pilot after all.

What do you think of that?
- You might be.

- [crying mockingly]
I can't do it.

What am I doing wrong?
- Let me help you.

It's not that hard.

- I hate you.

- All right, Conan, so I think
we need to land the aircraft.

- We need to land?
- Yeah.

- Hello, passengers.
This is your pilot speaking.

We're going to land.

I know it was a short flight,

but I forgot my mouth guard.

And we're gonna go back
to my hotel and get it.

It keeps me
from grinding my teeth

and also prevents snoring.

- 500.

- And turn towards the right.

- Pitch up.
- There you go. Perfect, Conan.

- 20 retarde.
Priority right.

Fuel input.
- There you go.

- Retarde, retarde.
- There you go.

- Retarde.
- And you break it.

- In the States, we're no
longer allowed to say "retard."

- Yeah, this is
French aircraft.

- Oh, okay.
I thought it was calling me--

And that's not cool, you know?

- You landed an aircraft.
- That was incredible.

But, listen,
that was a rough landing.

- Obviously, you wouldn't go
fly a real aircraft

with those landings--
we wouldn't let you.

- You said it was
a good landing,

but you'd never let me
near a real aircraft.

- Yeah.

- Again, I'd like to thank you
for flying Iberia Airlines.

I know you have your choice
of simulators

and fake captains,

and I thank you
for choosing us.

Thank you very much
for teaching me

a little bit of what you do,
showing me your world.

And I'm gonna walk away
that way now,

and I want you to pretend
to be sad that I'm leaving you.

[sad music]

Are you looking sad?

♪ ♪

Madrid is a cultural mecca,

chock full
of incredible museums--

the Prado Museum,
the Queen Sofía Museum,

and, of course, my favorite,
the Museum of Ham.

I hear they have an original...

Soul, leave body.

[whooshing]

Pork-casso.

The Prado is one of the most
famous museums in the world.

It's very important
if you visit the Prado

to get a local guide.

- We're gonna see
the most amazing artists here.

I'm sure you've heard
of them, maybe?

Velazquez?
- Of course.

- Yeah?
- I say "Velath-kwez."

- Yeah.
Hey, look at that.

Wow.

This is Velasquez himself
with his brush palette.

- How much would it cost
if I wanted to buy this

and gift it to Javier?

- It's never been
on the market.

- Well, everyone
has their price.

- Almost.

A good thing about
being a civil servant,

we're just not impressed
by money.

- That's a good one.

- I'd shake your hand,

but I don't understand
what you just said,

even though it was in English.

- Here are the two majas.
- Wow.

- Goya is my favorite.

It's two portraits.

One is the woman dressed,

and then the other
is the woman undressed.

- Mm-hmm.

- When I was a kid, someone
brought into school a pen

that's a woman
wearing a bikini.

But then if you tip
the pen, she's naked.

- Yeah.

- I lost my virginity
to that pen.

- I know.
- You know?

- I heard.
Yeah, I heard.

- You want the naked one
or the clothed one?

I don't care. I just want
to buy you a painting.

- I don't know what my wife
will say about that.

- You let me talk to her.

Okay?
- Okay.

- She probably has
great respect for me.

I'm just assuming.
- Not really.

I mean, she's seen your work.

- You're not a fan?
- I'm not a fan.

- Yeah.
- I was forced to be here.

- [laughing]

- So here we are
in the black paintings of Goya,

which is a time
where he was going dark.

- This is, of course,
one of the most famous,

and I think terrifying,
paintings in the world.

- Absolutely.

- I love the sense that
violence comes from fear.

- This is how my brother Neal
eats a hamburger.

Just...
[growls]

And his eyes are like that
when he's eating.

- Like that?
- Yeah, he becomes a monster.

I like how you don't see
the faces of the men...

- Mm-hmm.
- That are killing them.

It's like it's a machine.
They've lost their humanity.

They're just--
- Absolutely.

- Did you think what I said was
pretty smart and intelligent?

- [laughs]

- Let me say
something profound.

- Okay.
I'll wait.

Shall I get a chair?
- Yeah.

- [laughs]

- [sighs]

Alejandro, Javier and I wish
to thank you for our tour.

Incredible.
- Muchas gracias, Alejandro.

- It's been a real pleasure.

- And to show my thanks,
I have made a Conan doodle...

- Amazing.
- Just for you.

I bequeath this to the Prado.
- We'll hang it.

- And you may hang it among
the masters,

where it will sit...

- We will definitely hang it.
Thank you very much.

- For all time.
Thank you so much.

- Thank you.
Pleasure, real pleasure.

- Take care. Buenos días.
- Thank you, Alejandro.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Of course, the most famous book
in Spain is "Don Quixote."

It's a book
about a delusional man

who battles imaginary
monsters,

a man on an impossible quest

trying to slay
his inner demons.

I got to say,
this book speaks to me.

It really...

really speaks to me.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

You see windmills, Sancho.
That's not what I see.

I see a podcast sponsor
that drops out

after only three weeks

'cause they say
I'm not a good fit.

You're wrong, meundies.com.

You see an ancient way
to grind wheat.

I see a woman in a drugstore
who wants a selfie,

but her camera isn't ready.

It's still in her purse.

I'm trying to buy
Mentos here, lady.

Yes, these are all
of my enemies.

And I will charge at them.

Are you with me, Sancho?

- I am Sancho Panza.

But it's worth noting
that the actual character

of Sancho Panza
was famously overweight.

In fact, the word "panza"
in Spanish means "belly,"

much like "pancia" in Italian,

where we get
the word pancetta...

- Oh, God.
- Which means "little belly"

because that
meat comes from the belly.

Now, it all comes from
the original Latin "ponticum,"

or in the ecclesiastical
pronunciation, ponti-chem.

And it's worth noting--

you may think
we have a Germanic language.

So why do so many
words come from Latin?

Well, I'll tell you why.
It's because the French--

While our syntax
may be Germanic,

the French brought vocabulary
from the Latin family

of languages
into our own languages.

So, basically,
most of the words you use

can be traced back
to the ancient Latin.

So you may understand what
people in a country like Spain

are saying, even though you...

- Hey, Conan,
my name is Eugenia,

and I'm calling from Spain.

- Eugenia, tell me
a little bit about yourself.

- I work here as a physician
resident in a hospital.

- Oh, okay.

My fiancé, he is
Irish-American, Sean Dempsey.

[laughter]

- Okay, well,
what are the differences, say,

between a Spanish woman

and an Irish Catholic guy?

- I think the biggest
main thing was

public display of affection.

At the beginning,
I thought he didn't like me.

- Oh, no, let me explain
something to you, Eugenia.

I think it is
a very Irish thing,

which is,
we are kind of uptight.

I've been married for 21 years,

and my wife
has never seen me naked.

I think I could talk to Sean,

and I could help him

with his fear of public
displays of affection.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Just jam in here.
- Go ahead.

- [whispering] European
elevators are so freakin' tiny.

- [gasps]
- [normal voice] Ah.

Eugenia, hi.
- Hi, Conan.

- Come here.
How are you?

Hola.
How are you?

You're Sean.
- Sean.

- The famous Sean right here.

There are many ways in which
I think Europe is superior,

but your elevators--tiny.
- It is sad.

- It's pathetic.

Europe, come on!
Make a bigger elevator!

Call the Otis Company.
They invented them.

- I just hope the neighbor

is not calling
the police right now.

- Good luck having
the police come up here.

Tiny police will come up
to arrest me.

- This is the hospital.

- That's the hospital where
Eugenia works is right here.

Hey, Europe, your elevators
are way too small!

Sean, were you aware

that Eugenia contacted me?

- She told me after, yeah.

- Specifically, what is it you
would like him to learn to do?

- Embracing, yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

- Also looking natural while
doing it, not like this.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Relaxed.

Opening up
the body a little bit.

- Yeah, relaxed.

- All right, well,
I think what we should do

is maybe go outside.

Let's butter our bodies so we
can get back into the elevator.

All three of us
at the same time.

This is our first lesson
in intimacy right here.

- It's nice.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

- Okay, we're out.

We're making progress.

Sean's arms have uncrossed.

Hands still clasped,
but we're getting there.

Sean, maybe if you saw
another Irish Catholic guy

being very sexual in public...
- Mm.

- It would help you loosen up.

Is that possible?
- Yeah.

Um...

- Oh, my God.

There are kids here.

- Wow.
[Conan moaning]

Maybe I'm not qualified
to teach PDA.

So I thought
I'd bring in an expert.

- Okay. Oh.
- Hello.

- This is Dr. Arroyo.
- Dr. Arroyo.

- Nice to meet you.
- Eugenia and Sean.

- Nice to meet you.
- He's my physician and also

an intimacy expert?
- An intimacy expert.

I've been married five times
and twice to the same woman

and twice to the same man.
- Oh!

- Yes.
The secret is baby steps.

- Sean, how does this feel?
- I'm feeling something.

- You're feeling something?
- This is a little spark.

- Sean, how do you feel
with this step?

- I don't feel much
of anything, actually.

There's so much rubber and--

- Well, I've heard
that before...

when I was a scuba diver.
- Ah.

- And...

I molested a seal.
- I remember that.

- I've never
seen you laugh before.

- Well, you've never
made me laugh before.

- Ah, touché.

Do you think you're ready
to go to the next step?

- I think so, yeah.
- Physical hand-holding.

Raw-dogging skin.
- Okay, take it easy.

- Bumping knuckles.

- This is sometimes a nice
thing to do is hold hands

and swing them.
- Mm-hmm.

- And it just kind of like
shows you

that you're really in love.
- While skipping?

- Well, we could skip as well.
Should we try it?

Yeah, should we go?

See?

Dr. Arroyo, I think
this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

[gentle music]

Of all the ways to take in
the sights of Madrid,

Segway tours are one
of the most popular,

perhaps a bit too popular.

In fact,
the Running of the Bulls

is no longer Spain's
most dangerous sport.

[indistinct chatter]

[Segways whirring loudly]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

All that fake running really
worked up an appetite.

So I met my newest best friend

in the world's
oldest restaurant.

- It's called Botín.
- Botín.

It was opened in 1725.
- Yes.

- And it has been in continuous
operation since then.

- Since then.

And Goya, which we've seen
his paintings,

he was a dishwasher here.

- Goya was a dishwasher here?
- Yeah, for real.

- Ah, señor.
[both speaking Spanish]

- What is it about me...
- Mm-hmm.

- That people don't respect?
- I would start with the hair.

I've always thought that your
hair is absolutely wrong.

There's something there that
doesn't work and never worked.

But you made a living
out of it, so that's good.

- So I'm stuck with it now?

- Yeah, you have
to live with that.

[triumphant music]

- Oink, oink.

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- What?

- Oh!

- What's this?
- Oh, hot.

- Hot? Hot.
Too hot, right?

You need water?
- No.

Done.

- Look at you.
- Yeah, there's a difference.

There's a difference
between a real man

and whatever you are.

No, no, don't
take the fork.

Come on, man, that's--

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

- Eat with our hands.
- Yeah, you go like...

- [scarfing]

You know what this is like?
Goya.

It's the Saturn.
- Exactly.

- Yes.
- Now you're understanding.

Goya was a dishwasher here.
- Yeah?

- And he painted Saturn
devouring his son.

- And now we're here...
- Devouring this.

- Devouring this pig.

[dark music]

♪ ♪

[both grunting]

- But then we can also be
kind of gentle

and nice with each other
and come back to our posture.

Hi.
How are you, Conan?

How are you?
- Hi.

- Hi. Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

My friend.
My good friend.

Then we back.

[both grunting]

[dark music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

[both grunting]

- That's...
both: The tail.

- This...

is sacred.

The whole strength
of the pig is here,

and you have to eat it, okay?

It's crunchy.

It's good.

You like it?
- I don't like it.

- You don't like it?

In all the years I've come here
with people,

I've never seen anybody dare
to eat a pig tail.

Are you a fool?

Are you always doing
what people tell you to do

in order to be loved?

Are you someone that
really do things

that goes against himself
because you want to belong?

I can see that.

It's okay.

This is gonna change now.

Say to yourself,
I like the pig's tail.

- I like the pig's tail.

- I chose to eat it myself.

- I chose to eat it myself.

- And I'm doing okay.
- And I'm doing okay.

- Okay.

You're in command now.

- [sighs]

That was terrible.
- I know.

- Why did you make me do that?
- Just for fun.

- [laughing]

- Horrible.
- Asshole!

- Oh, my God.
- Asshole!

[gentle music]

- [breathing heavily]

After such a great meal,
it's time for a siesta.

Let yourself go with the flow.

[Spanish guitar music]

♪ ♪

[snoring]

♪ ♪

- What was it like
having a siesta

with the world's sexiest man?

Well, you'll have
to ask Javier. [chuckles]

In the meantime,
it was getting dark,

which means
it was flamenco o'clock.

Time for a lesson in Spain's
passionate musical art form.

- So, Conan, you need
to learn flamenco.

Here we have
the amazing singer,

guitar players, and dancers.

- Let me just
tell you up front.

- Okay.
- I am very athletic.

And my body exudes sexuality.

- Wow.
- Yeah. I can attest that.

It's something very powerful.

You feel it from the first
moment that you see it.

- Okay.

- And then it
quickly goes away.

- Like, in a second.
- Okay.

- One, two, three, four.
[clapping hands]

And then we're gonna change
into a little pattern.

One, two, three, four.
One, two, three.

That's it.
- Yeah.

- Sí, señor.

- Conan.
Go, Conan.

- Muy bien.

- What about this?

- You want to do some pitos?

- Now.

[snapping fingers rhythmically]

- [laughing]

- Oh, wow!
- Oh, shit.

- [laughs]

- [snapping fingers
rhythmically]

- Muy bien.
- Oh.

- [vocalizes]

[castanets clacking
rhythmically]

♪ ♪

[flamenco music playing]

- [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

- [speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

In my short time in Spain,

I was captivated
by its people,

culture, food, music, and art.

And everywhere you looked,
so much beauty--

jaw-dropping,
breathtaking beauty.

Its rugged contours
and its raw animal magnetism--

no wonder I'd fallen in love.

With Spain--with--
I'd fallen in love with Spain.

Hasta luego, España.

And never forget...

- Stomp!

[upbeat music]

- You know, I do see
a lot of parallels here.

But, you know, the interesting
thing about Don Quixote

and Sancho Panza is
they rubbed off on each other,

you know?

When you interact with somebody
over, for example, 30 years,

you both become
a part of each other.

And you may think,
I don't like this person

or I don't want to--

- Did you forget
the word "cut"?

[laughter]
- I just said it.

- This is deranged.