Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

[wind blowing]

- Earth, a cradle for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible, overwhelming--

this planet mocks our feeble power

to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate

the astounding grandeur of this planet,

sometimes you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,

base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk-show host,

he has been driven by a changing ecosystem

to a drier and harsher climate--

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment

of his studio audience,

this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes of a crudely painted doll,

is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels--

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent

of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

♪ ♪

This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

Spain.

- Hey, Conan. This is Javier.

And I'm calling from Madrid, Spain.

- Javier, tell me a little bit about yourself.

What do you do for a living?

- So I've been working in tourism

as a tourism information agent.

And so tourists-- they have questions.

How can I get here?

How much for the ticket to the museum?

Can I get a map, you know?

And you answer the questions. - Okay.

- The job I do, I think you would be a natural at it.

- When I get a compliment like that,

I jump on the next plane to thank them in person.

Hey. - Hi, sir.

- Javier, when you called me on the podcast,

you said that you work in a tourist information booth.

- I do. It's right over there. - Yeah.

And yesterday they said no to me

even seeing the inside of the booth.

Why? - [sighs]

They saw your show.

- Ooh.

I'm gonna put that booth out of business.

We're gonna set up this booth, and this booth

is gonna draw everyone this way because I've got star pow--

[bell tolling]

Star-- [bell tolls]

Star power!

[bell continues tolling]

Javier, is there any way to put the cathedral on silent mode?

Hello.

- From Minnesota. - Oh, Minnesota!

You guys-- you want to buy a map?

Hey, nice to meet you. What's your name?

- Tim. - Tim.

- I'm Heather. - Heather. Oh, sorry.

- This thing is-- - This piece of shit!

- It's not very steady. - This thing is coming--

Look at-- This just came off.

This is the map that I've had made up.

You open it up, and it just says "google it!"

[laughter]

Fucking google it.

I want to see Javier in action.

Ask him a question, see if he can answer it.

- An easy one, please.

- Talk to me about the changing of the guard.

- Oh, Jesus.

The big change of the guard is once a month.

The first--I don't know.

- Once a month? [laughter]

- Anyway, you know who knows this.

In there, they know that. both: Okay.

- I have questions for you.

I notice these characters that stand around the plaza.

There's a rumor that that's the king and the queen in there.

That's how they walk among the people.

- I'm from Madrid, yeah. - Okay.

Ask me some questions and see how much I know about Madrid.

- Can you recommend me some restaurants around here?

- Yes! Sí.

It's a great restaurant. It's called El Rey de Burger.

- It doesn't-- - Translates to Burger King.

- Oh, okay.

- We don't have a big budget, as you can see.

- Yeah, I can see this. - This was for cat surgery.

And then we hosed it down.

What do you do for a living?

¿Qué es su-- watch this-- profesión?

- You're a musician? - Yeah.

- And ¿qué tipo de música?

- Kind of electronic. - Electronic music?

- Yeah. - [robotic vocalizing]

♪ ♪

I came up with that song when I watched a crow

that was stuck in a cider press.

- Okay.

- And it was going... [imitates squawking]

- Yeah, baby! - Hey, look at that guy!

That's an American right there!

He's loud. He's like an animal.

Look at him. Go, America. USA!

He's wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt.

He's gonna go right now to El Rey de Burger.

How are we doing so far?

We've been here, I think, two hours now.

- Not great. - Not great.

I think it's the location.

I think we need to be closer to the booth.

- Let's try it. - Want to try it?

- Yeah, sure.

- Information coming through!

You--

[light music]

I'll get you!

How about right here? Is here good enough?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Madrid is a city that's over 70 years old.

It was founded by Jack Madrid.

If you want the truth, don't go to the booth!

both: If you want the truth, don't go to the booth!

- If you are able, go to the table.

[laughter]

Javier, what is the best way out of this bit?

- I think we just run. - We just run?

[laughs] - Come on, come on!

- It turns out I have another big fan in Spain,

also named Javier.

I want to see the real Madrid.

I want to see Javier Bardem's Madrid.

- All right. This is my city. I grew up here.

I'm very proud of this city and its people.

Follow me. - I shall.

- All right. - Let's do it.

- All right, we are in El Retiro Park.

- Retiro Park.

- I mean, this is the place where I spent most

of my time cheating on school.

I was kind of rebellious.

- Rebellious. - Rebellious.

Come on, little fishes.

I feel like Cleopatra.

- When you go out with your wife on the boat,

do you make her row? - [laughs] Of course.

- [laughs] - I'm a terrible human being.

Well, this is called pipas. It's a seed.

One, two, and then the tongue.

- Oh. both: Yeah.

- Yeah.

There you go. - [spits]

- You're a natural now. This is chocolate con churros.

And this thing is very well-known

as the great moment of the hangover.

You go partying all night, and then without sleeping,

you take chocolate with churros.

- I think we should pretend in this moment

that we have been drinking all night.

both: No!

- Oh.

- [grunting oddly]

[laughter]

[both grunting]

[both retching]

- Oh, look at that. - Look at this.

Atlético de Madrid. That's my team.

- Your team is Atlético Madrid, huh?

- Yes.

- Well, I got bad news for you, buddy.

This is called Real Madrid.

- Are you a fan of Real Madrid? - Huge fan of Real Madrid.

- Since when? - Oh, since I was a bebé.

- Okay, what's the name of the coach of the Real Madrid?

- Jeff.

- Okay. - Jeff.

- What's the name of the stadium they play?

- They play

in Real Madrid Stadium Heineken Light.

- Can you name any player of any soccer team

in history that you may know of?

- Paul--Paule.

Pe... - Pel...

- Lé. - Lé.

- Pelé. Pelé. - Pelé.

Oh!

- Huge fan, right? - [laughs]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, Philippines. Oh.

- I should go there.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why are you taking pictures with him?

- Let's do it. - They love me.

They love me in the Philippines.

- Do you know who I am? I'm Antonio Banderas.

I'm Antonio.

- It's Antonio Banderas!

It's Antonio Banderas from "Puss in Boots."

- "Puss in Boots." - Yes.

Everyone knows Spain's biggest exports

are wine and olive oil.

It was 9:00 in the morning, so it was too late for wine.

I'm standing here with Aquilino?

- Yes, Aquilino. Yes. - Is that your name?

- And you like that name? - Yeah.

It's the one that I have.

- Okay, I could change it for you if you wish.

- Okay. - Okay, you're now Frank.

- Thank you.

- How do you gather the olives?

- The traditional way was to pick them by hand,

using basket.

- Basket, yes. - Basket.

- You seem to know a lot about olives,

and you care a lot about olives.

- Yes.

- But, sir, I've brought someone with me,

a man who claims to know a lot about a lot of things.

- Well, first of all, I don't feel like I'm an expert.

I certainly have had no formal training in this matter.

Nevertheless-- - Or in any area.

- Right. Well, I'm a television producer by trade, but--

- I've seen no evidence.

Continue. - Yes.

I like my olive oil strong, fuerte--

like a bull, another archetype of Spanish culture, el toro.

The bull is an uncastrated unit of male cattle.

That's differentiated from the steer, which has been--

- And from you, who was castrated long ago.

- Right. - [laughing]

- But I-- - Snip, clink, thunk.

[laughter] Good one, right?

Got him.

Zing.

[laughter] [imitates explosion]

- I'm coming to you with concrete information.

- Yeah. - And I'm being ridiculed.

I'm here giving you cold, hard facts about the introduction

of the olive tree.

Olive oil was called "liquid gold"

by the Greek poet Omeros-- you know him as Homer.

My consumption is really on par with the Greeks.

- So you shit constantly.

You're just a shitting machine. - I don't see the connection.

- What would happen if I drank maybe ten gallons

of olive oil today? - Probably you can die.

- Yeah. But what would happen just before I died?

- You go poopy.

- There we have it.

There we have the medical term. You go poopy.

You understand? - You go poopy.

I don't go poopy when I drink olive oil.

- Well, few machines go poopy.

I just picked this olive from the tree.

- Yes. - I smell it.

- Don't bite it. - Don't bite it?

- No. - Why?

It is bitter, and it doesn't taste good.

- I thought you could just pull it off the tree and eat it.

Do you do that? - I do do it.

We are in the land where this mystical fruit grows,

and we can taste it in all stages of its development.

I'm not expecting a fully polished,

finished product here.

But when I taste the end product,

I want to know where it came from.

I want to follow this olive on its journey.

Yeah, that tastes horrible, but you could try it as well.

- I'm very tempted because you just bit

into this thing you love and said it's terrible.

You said it's awful. So I think, bing.

I think it goes bye-bye.

I apologize for bringing this to you.

- He's providing a lot of data.

- From the Latin "dah-ta."

But I say "day-ta" in homage

to "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

My favorite episode might be "Darmok" from the fifth season.

Nevertheless, do you know that "data" is,

in fact, the plural of "datum"?

- You? - Yeah.

- Mistake. - Mm.

- Shouldn't have brought you.

- My entire existence? What part of this is a mistake?

- What class did you fly? 'Cause I paid for that ticket.

- I don't talk about these matters.

- What did I fly him? Say it was coach.

- You're all obsessed with class and status.

I'm here with a man of the Earth, la tierra.

- Answer the question.

What ticket did I buy for you so you could come here?

- Well, I support the show,

and I believe I add value to the show.

- What ticket?

- Yes, well, I was in seat 11A.

- 11? That's pretty far up.

What class is that?

- Do you understand? - What ticket? 11?

Where was 11? Where was seat 11?

- You can look at the airline map.

You can look at the airline map.

- Where was seat 11? Just tell me right now.

- It was a Boeing 747.

You do the research. - Were you in business?

- What class were you in? - Oh, what do you think?

I'm one of the biggest stars in the world.

This guy shit his pants when he saw me.

I was in first--

- That's 'cause he had too much olive oil.

- Jesus Christ!

Okay, so these baskets collect the olives.

- You have to... - Really grab it.

- Get closer to the tree.

- Okay, let's see what I've done here.

Look at that.

Do you ever throw...

If I threw a rake...

- No, no, because you want the fruit in the ring,

not on the floor.

- Can we just try it and see what happens?

I think one fell over there. - Yes.

- So whose system is better, do you think?

- Mine.

Guitar break!

[imitates guitar solo]

[imitates aggressive drumming, rock music]

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

♪ Olivos, olivos ♪

All of us.

Lights out.

See the message at the end? - Yes.

- We all work together, all of us.

- Yes.

- These baskets are heavy.

Do you mind if Jordan wears my basket, too?

- No, no, he cannot have two.

- Why not? - It's impossible.

- It's not impossible. We have to try.

You said it was impossible. - Yes.

- Look. Look at this.

- How will you collect your olives?

- I shall not collect olives.

I shall go to the van, which is air-conditioned,

where I will have a large bottle of Orangina

and some cinnamon Snackwells!

[echoing] Snackwells!

[upbeat music]

When your high-school Spanish is as good as mine,

you head straight to a recording studio

to do voiceover work.

I'm at Best Digital.

This is the place where they do all of the dubbing.

If it's spoken in Spanish or if Spanish has been added,

it's done here.

What is the art to doing this,

to overdubbing in a different language?

- We try to not be noticed.

- People should think I've become that famous actor

if I do it correctly. - Yeah.

- Which I won't.

Hola. ¿Tu nombre?

- Carles. - Nikki.

- Nikki. And which voices have you done?

- Is that Google Maps? - It is.

- Google Maps! - Yeah.

- In this ad, I think there's a voiceover,

but then there's a caveman who I think has a sore throat.

- Yeah.

- I think I should be the caveman.

- [speaking Spanish] - [hoarsely] Lizipaina.

- [speaking Spanish]

- [rasping] - [continues speaking Spanish]

- [speaking Spanish]

Look, commercials are fine.

I would like to be the voice of some serious A-list actors.

We have a scene here from "Taken," Liam Neeson.

- Yeah.

- If you're looking for ransom,

I can tell you I don't have money.

But what I do have

are a very particular set of skills.

- He says, I don't have any money.

He could get some money. His daughter is on the line.

Get some money.

[gravelly voice] Oh, there's nothing I can't do,

except go to an ATM. [laughter]

- [speaking Spanish] - [speaking Spanish]

But, also, should I put a little Irish accent in there?

[speaking Spanish with Irish accent]

[laughter] - Maybe.

- [speaking Spanish with Irish accent]

- You know, I'm becoming Gollum.

- Yeah, a bit. - [raspy voice] My precious.

[normal voice] All right, let me try--

I'm not gonna be less Gollum now.

Let's try it again. I'll get this.

God damn it!

Liam Neeson's gonna hear that the next time he's in Spain

and think, when did I do that?

That's extremely good acting.

It's very intense. - Yeah.

- What I'd like to do now is go way the other way.

Have you guys seen the "Fast & Furious" movies?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- The thing about street fights...

the street always wins.

♪ ♪

- The thing about street fights is the street always wins.

Dom knew that the fault line of the cracks

created by the missile would exactly surround his enemy.

Dom's character is a structural engineer.

The secret to Vin Diesel's acting

is that he's not acting, right?

- The secret for this

is to look in the eye of the actor.

- There's nothing in there. I've looked in his eyes.

It's like an empty warehouse.

And then just a little--

a little mouse skitters across the floor.

[laughter] [squeaking]

And then it sees me. It goes... [squeaking]

Then it runs back.

They studied Vin Diesel.

He's technically a desert cactus.

[laughter] He is.

He needs very little water, just a little gravel.

He was purchased on a roadside by a producer

who was gonna put him in his kitchen and then said,

no, he'd be good in these "Fast & Furious" movies

if we can make 35 of them and they get worse as they go.

Huh?

Oh, fire.

Idea forming.

Stomp!

David, am I...

the best Spanish-language voiceover actor

in the world?

Yes, you are the best in the world

and the most handsome.

That part was unnecessary for me to say,

but I could not help myself.

- Hey, Conan.

My name is Bruno, and I'm from Madrid, Spain.

- What do you do?

- So I work as an airline pilot here in--

- Oh, come on. - Oh, my God.

Does your uniform have little epaulets on the shoulders?

- Yeah. - Damn it!

I want to wear epaulets.

Do you think I would make a good pilot, Bruno?

Do you think I have what it takes?

- Uh, you know...

- Oh, come on. - I don't know. Maybe--

[flamenco music]

Bruno! - Nice to meet you.

- How are you?

Today we are gonna be working in a flight simulator.

- Yes.

- And by the way, do you know all the pilots?

- Yeah. - Diego! Diego!

I'm gonna show you if I was a pilot and I was on a date,

how I would reveal that information, okay?

Ask me what it is I do.

- What do you do for a living, Conan?

- I'm a pilot.

Bruno, I'm just curious.

What is it you do for a living?

- I'm a pilot. - No.

[imitate whoosh] I'm a pilot.

Just try it.

- [imitates whoosh] I'm a pilot.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[whoosh]

- Look at you. You have three. I have four.

What does this make me? - That makes you the captain.

- So I outrank you? - Yeah.

- This is fantastic.

And what about the mustache? - Yeah, very pilot-ish.

- Why don't you ask me just one more time what it is I do?

- What do you do for a living, Conan?

- What, are you stupid?

I'm wearing an airline pilot's outfit.

- Yeah, well, it's a beautiful aircraft.

- Yeah.

- And it looks quite realistic, doesn't it?

- It looks very realistic.

I mean, I really believe we're about to take off in a plane.

- Yeah.

- Are there switches that I can flick that do no harm?

- This over here.

- Excuse me, but I'm just gonna make sure--

a few adjustments.

There we go. And then...

Yeah. - There you go, yeah.

- Okay.

And then I'm gonna do-- Yeah, okay.

- Yeah. So, basically, you got--

- Excuse me, just one sec.

Okay. There we go.

Yes? - All right.

This is the throttle.

This controls-- - Excuse me.

Okay. I just saved our lives.

- Yeah. - Okay.

I mean, you're goofing around. I'm actually flying the plane.

- [chuckles]

- This is cool.

I am taxiing.

I'm not quite in the center.

Okay, I went way over to the side.

I have new respect for taxiing.

- Push it forward all the way. - All the way?

- All the way. - Here we go.

My speed is increasing.

- And now, smoothly, you pull backwards.

- Smoothly pull back.

Oh, man. - A bit more.

- Yes! - There you go.

Stop pulling. - Stop pulling.

Level off.

- And gear up.

- [laughing]

Yes!

God.

Hey, look, is that the moon or the sun?

- That's the sun. - Okay.

I better learn the difference between those two

if I'm gonna become a pilot.

- There you go. That's Madrid.

- Look at Madrid.

Do you get to eat much when you're in the cockpit?

Do they serve you treats? I bet there's a no-soup rule.

This stuff looks like you don't want to eat soup around it.

- Yeah, so-- - No soup.

- All this is no-go for the soup.

- Yeah. - But we got a table.

- Oh, look at that.

So this table comes out.

- There you go. - I could do this.

That'd get annoying, right?

- Yeah, for four hours straight,

I think it would drive me a bit annoyed.

- Yeah, now you're talking.

Yes!

See, maybe I'm a kind of a fun co-pilot after all.

What do you think of that? - You might be.

- [crying mockingly] I can't do it.

What am I doing wrong? - Let me help you.

It's not that hard.

- I hate you.

- All right, Conan, so I think we need to land the aircraft.

- We need to land? - Yeah.

- Hello, passengers. This is your pilot speaking.

We're going to land.

I know it was a short flight,

but I forgot my mouth guard.

And we're gonna go back to my hotel and get it.

It keeps me from grinding my teeth

and also prevents snoring.

- 500.

- And turn towards the right.

- Pitch up. - There you go. Perfect, Conan.

- 20 retarde. Priority right.

Fuel input. - There you go.

- Retarde, retarde. - There you go.

- Retarde. - And you break it.

- In the States, we're no longer allowed to say "retard."

- Yeah, this is French aircraft.

- Oh, okay. I thought it was calling me--

And that's not cool, you know?

- You landed an aircraft. - That was incredible.

But, listen, that was a rough landing.

- Obviously, you wouldn't go fly a real aircraft

with those landings-- we wouldn't let you.

- You said it was a good landing,

but you'd never let me near a real aircraft.

- Yeah.

- Again, I'd like to thank you for flying Iberia Airlines.

I know you have your choice of simulators

and fake captains,

and I thank you for choosing us.

Thank you very much for teaching me

a little bit of what you do, showing me your world.

And I'm gonna walk away that way now,

and I want you to pretend to be sad that I'm leaving you.

[sad music]

Are you looking sad?

♪ ♪

Madrid is a cultural mecca,

chock full of incredible museums--

the Prado Museum, the Queen Sofía Museum,

and, of course, my favorite, the Museum of Ham.

I hear they have an original...

Soul, leave body.

[whooshing]

Pork-casso.

The Prado is one of the most famous museums in the world.

It's very important if you visit the Prado

to get a local guide.

- We're gonna see the most amazing artists here.

I'm sure you've heard of them, maybe?

Velazquez? - Of course.

- Yeah? - I say "Velath-kwez."

- Yeah. Hey, look at that.

Wow.

This is Velasquez himself with his brush palette.

- How much would it cost if I wanted to buy this

and gift it to Javier?

- It's never been on the market.

- Well, everyone has their price.

- Almost.

A good thing about being a civil servant,

we're just not impressed by money.

- That's a good one.

- I'd shake your hand,

but I don't understand what you just said,

even though it was in English.

- Here are the two majas. - Wow.

- Goya is my favorite.

It's two portraits.

One is the woman dressed,

and then the other is the woman undressed.

- Mm-hmm.

- When I was a kid, someone brought into school a pen

that's a woman wearing a bikini.

But then if you tip the pen, she's naked.

- Yeah.

- I lost my virginity to that pen.

- I know. - You know?

- I heard. Yeah, I heard.

- You want the naked one or the clothed one?

I don't care. I just want to buy you a painting.

- I don't know what my wife will say about that.

- You let me talk to her.

Okay? - Okay.

- She probably has great respect for me.

I'm just assuming. - Not really.

I mean, she's seen your work.

- You're not a fan? - I'm not a fan.

- Yeah. - I was forced to be here.

- [laughing]

- So here we are in the black paintings of Goya,

which is a time where he was going dark.

- This is, of course, one of the most famous,

and I think terrifying, paintings in the world.

- Absolutely.

- I love the sense that violence comes from fear.

- This is how my brother Neal eats a hamburger.

Just... [growls]

And his eyes are like that when he's eating.

- Like that? - Yeah, he becomes a monster.

I like how you don't see the faces of the men...

- Mm-hmm. - That are killing them.

It's like it's a machine. They've lost their humanity.

They're just-- - Absolutely.

- Did you think what I said was pretty smart and intelligent?

- [laughs]

- Let me say something profound.

- Okay. I'll wait.

Shall I get a chair? - Yeah.

- [laughs]

- [sighs]

Alejandro, Javier and I wish to thank you for our tour.

Incredible. - Muchas gracias, Alejandro.

- It's been a real pleasure.

- And to show my thanks, I have made a Conan doodle...

- Amazing. - Just for you.

I bequeath this to the Prado. - We'll hang it.

- And you may hang it among the masters,

where it will sit...

- We will definitely hang it. Thank you very much.

- For all time. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. Pleasure, real pleasure.

- Take care. Buenos días. - Thank you, Alejandro.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Of course, the most famous book in Spain is "Don Quixote."

It's a book about a delusional man

who battles imaginary monsters,

a man on an impossible quest

trying to slay his inner demons.

I got to say, this book speaks to me.

It really...

really speaks to me.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

You see windmills, Sancho. That's not what I see.

I see a podcast sponsor that drops out

after only three weeks

'cause they say I'm not a good fit.

You're wrong, meundies.com.

You see an ancient way to grind wheat.

I see a woman in a drugstore who wants a selfie,

but her camera isn't ready.

It's still in her purse.

I'm trying to buy Mentos here, lady.

Yes, these are all of my enemies.

And I will charge at them.

Are you with me, Sancho?

- I am Sancho Panza.

But it's worth noting that the actual character

of Sancho Panza was famously overweight.

In fact, the word "panza" in Spanish means "belly,"

much like "pancia" in Italian,

where we get the word pancetta...

- Oh, God. - Which means "little belly"

because that meat comes from the belly.

Now, it all comes from the original Latin "ponticum,"

or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, ponti-chem.

And it's worth noting--

you may think we have a Germanic language.

So why do so many words come from Latin?

Well, I'll tell you why. It's because the French--

While our syntax may be Germanic,

the French brought vocabulary from the Latin family

of languages into our own languages.

So, basically, most of the words you use

can be traced back to the ancient Latin.

So you may understand what people in a country like Spain

are saying, even though you...

- Hey, Conan, my name is Eugenia,

and I'm calling from Spain.

- Eugenia, tell me a little bit about yourself.

- I work here as a physician resident in a hospital.

- Oh, okay.

My fiancé, he is Irish-American, Sean Dempsey.

[laughter]

- Okay, well, what are the differences, say,

between a Spanish woman

and an Irish Catholic guy?

- I think the biggest main thing was

public display of affection.

At the beginning, I thought he didn't like me.

- Oh, no, let me explain something to you, Eugenia.

I think it is a very Irish thing,

which is, we are kind of uptight.

I've been married for 21 years,

and my wife has never seen me naked.

I think I could talk to Sean,

and I could help him

with his fear of public displays of affection.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Just jam in here. - Go ahead.

- [whispering] European elevators are so freakin' tiny.

- [gasps] - [normal voice] Ah.

Eugenia, hi. - Hi, Conan.

- Come here. How are you?

Hola. How are you?

You're Sean. - Sean.

- The famous Sean right here.

There are many ways in which I think Europe is superior,

but your elevators--tiny. - It is sad.

- It's pathetic.

Europe, come on! Make a bigger elevator!

Call the Otis Company. They invented them.

- I just hope the neighbor

is not calling the police right now.

- Good luck having the police come up here.

Tiny police will come up to arrest me.

- This is the hospital.

- That's the hospital where Eugenia works is right here.

Hey, Europe, your elevators are way too small!

Sean, were you aware

that Eugenia contacted me?

- She told me after, yeah.

- Specifically, what is it you would like him to learn to do?

- Embracing, yeah. - Mm-hmm. Okay.

- Also looking natural while doing it, not like this.

- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Relaxed.

Opening up the body a little bit.

- Yeah, relaxed.

- All right, well, I think what we should do

is maybe go outside.

Let's butter our bodies so we can get back into the elevator.

All three of us at the same time.

This is our first lesson in intimacy right here.

- It's nice.

- You like that? - Yeah.

- Okay, we're out.

We're making progress.

Sean's arms have uncrossed.

Hands still clasped, but we're getting there.

Sean, maybe if you saw another Irish Catholic guy

being very sexual in public... - Mm.

- It would help you loosen up.

Is that possible? - Yeah.

Um...

- Oh, my God.

There are kids here.

- Wow. [Conan moaning]

Maybe I'm not qualified to teach PDA.

So I thought I'd bring in an expert.

- Okay. Oh. - Hello.

- This is Dr. Arroyo. - Dr. Arroyo.

- Nice to meet you. - Eugenia and Sean.

- Nice to meet you. - He's my physician and also

an intimacy expert? - An intimacy expert.

I've been married five times and twice to the same woman

and twice to the same man. - Oh!

- Yes. The secret is baby steps.

- Sean, how does this feel? - I'm feeling something.

- You're feeling something? - This is a little spark.

- Sean, how do you feel with this step?

- I don't feel much of anything, actually.

There's so much rubber and--

- Well, I've heard that before...

when I was a scuba diver. - Ah.

- And...

I molested a seal. - I remember that.

- I've never seen you laugh before.

- Well, you've never made me laugh before.

- Ah, touché.

Do you think you're ready to go to the next step?

- I think so, yeah. - Physical hand-holding.

Raw-dogging skin. - Okay, take it easy.

- Bumping knuckles.

- This is sometimes a nice thing to do is hold hands

and swing them. - Mm-hmm.

- And it just kind of like shows you

that you're really in love. - While skipping?

- Well, we could skip as well. Should we try it?

Yeah, should we go?

See?

Dr. Arroyo, I think this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

[gentle music]

Of all the ways to take in the sights of Madrid,

Segway tours are one of the most popular,

perhaps a bit too popular.

In fact, the Running of the Bulls

is no longer Spain's most dangerous sport.

[indistinct chatter]

[Segways whirring loudly]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

All that fake running really worked up an appetite.

So I met my newest best friend

in the world's oldest restaurant.

- It's called Botín. - Botín.

It was opened in 1725. - Yes.

- And it has been in continuous operation since then.

- Since then.

And Goya, which we've seen his paintings,

he was a dishwasher here.

- Goya was a dishwasher here? - Yeah, for real.

- Ah, señor. [both speaking Spanish]

- What is it about me... - Mm-hmm.

- That people don't respect? - I would start with the hair.

I've always thought that your hair is absolutely wrong.

There's something there that doesn't work and never worked.

But you made a living out of it, so that's good.

- So I'm stuck with it now?

- Yeah, you have to live with that.

[triumphant music]

- Oink, oink.

♪ ♪

- Oh! - What?

- Oh!

- What's this? - Oh, hot.

- Hot? Hot. Too hot, right?

You need water? - No.

Done.

- Look at you. - Yeah, there's a difference.

There's a difference between a real man

and whatever you are.

No, no, don't take the fork.

Come on, man, that's--

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.

- Eat with our hands. - Yeah, you go like...

- [scarfing]

You know what this is like? Goya.

It's the Saturn. - Exactly.

- Yes. - Now you're understanding.

Goya was a dishwasher here. - Yeah?

- And he painted Saturn devouring his son.

- And now we're here... - Devouring this.

- Devouring this pig.

[dark music]

♪ ♪

[both grunting]

- But then we can also be kind of gentle

and nice with each other and come back to our posture.

Hi. How are you, Conan?

How are you? - Hi.

- Hi. Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

My friend. My good friend.

Then we back.

[both grunting]

[dark music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

[both grunting]

- That's... both: The tail.

- This...

is sacred.

The whole strength of the pig is here,

and you have to eat it, okay?

It's crunchy.

It's good.

You like it? - I don't like it.

- You don't like it?

In all the years I've come here with people,

I've never seen anybody dare to eat a pig tail.

Are you a fool?

Are you always doing what people tell you to do

in order to be loved?

Are you someone that really do things

that goes against himself because you want to belong?

I can see that.

It's okay.

This is gonna change now.

Say to yourself, I like the pig's tail.

- I like the pig's tail.

- I chose to eat it myself.

- I chose to eat it myself.

- And I'm doing okay. - And I'm doing okay.

- Okay.

You're in command now.

- [sighs]

That was terrible. - I know.

- Why did you make me do that? - Just for fun.

- [laughing]

- Horrible. - Asshole!

- Oh, my God. - Asshole!

[gentle music]

- [breathing heavily]

After such a great meal, it's time for a siesta.

Let yourself go with the flow.

[Spanish guitar music]

♪ ♪

[snoring]

♪ ♪

- What was it like having a siesta

with the world's sexiest man?

Well, you'll have to ask Javier. [chuckles]

In the meantime, it was getting dark,

which means it was flamenco o'clock.

Time for a lesson in Spain's passionate musical art form.

- So, Conan, you need to learn flamenco.

Here we have the amazing singer,

guitar players, and dancers.

- Let me just tell you up front.

- Okay. - I am very athletic.

And my body exudes sexuality.

- Wow. - Yeah. I can attest that.

It's something very powerful.

You feel it from the first moment that you see it.

- Okay.

- And then it quickly goes away.

- Like, in a second. - Okay.

- One, two, three, four. [clapping hands]

And then we're gonna change into a little pattern.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three.

That's it. - Yeah.

- Sí, señor.

- Conan. Go, Conan.

- Muy bien.

- What about this?

- You want to do some pitos?

- Now.

[snapping fingers rhythmically]

- [laughing]

- Oh, wow! - Oh, shit.

- [laughs]

- [snapping fingers rhythmically]

- Muy bien. - Oh.

- [vocalizes]

[castanets clacking rhythmically]

♪ ♪

[flamenco music playing]

- [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

- [speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

In my short time in Spain,

I was captivated by its people,

culture, food, music, and art.

And everywhere you looked, so much beauty--

jaw-dropping, breathtaking beauty.

Its rugged contours and its raw animal magnetism--

no wonder I'd fallen in love.

With Spain--with-- I'd fallen in love with Spain.

Hasta luego, España.

And never forget...

- Stomp!

[upbeat music]

- You know, I do see a lot of parallels here.

But, you know, the interesting thing about Don Quixote

and Sancho Panza is they rubbed off on each other,

you know?

When you interact with somebody over, for example, 30 years,

you both become a part of each other.

And you may think, I don't like this person

or I don't want to--

- Did you forget the word "cut"?

[laughter] - I just said it.

- This is deranged.