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PROPERTY IS NO LONGER A THEFT

...have.

You...

have.

He...

has.

I...

We...

have.

They...

have.

I, Mr. Total the accountant,

am no different from you

and you are no different from me.

We are equal in our needs

and unequal in the way we satisfy them.

I know that I'll never be able to have any more than I have now

until the day I die,

but none of you will be able to have more than you have now either.

Many of you will certainly have more than me

while many of you have less.

And in the struggle, whether legal or illegal,

to obtain what we don't have,

many people fall ill with shameful diseases.

Their bodies fill up with sores,

inside

and out.

Many others fall down dead.

They are excluded, destroyed, transformed.

They become beasts,

stones,

dead trees,

worms.

That's how envy is born,

and in this envy class hatred is hidden.

It's born out of egoism,

which makes it innocuous.

Egoism is the fundamental sentiment of the religion of property.

I feel that this condition is becoming intolerable

and I know many of you feel the same way.

Accountant, come with me.

Can I work with my gloves on, sir?

As long as you don't take your tie off.

Leave it alone.

There's 20 here.

At least try not to scratch yourself in public.

The money's clean. It doesn't stink.

But if it's dirty, you get dirty too.

- Take off your gloves. - No.

Here... one, two, three, four, five and six.

20 billion, 350 million.

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- How much are you paying in? - Ten million in cash.

Fillet steaks for everyone.

I'm in a hurry.

Chateaubriand.

Shall I open it?

One...

two...

three...

four...

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine and ten.

- Has the money already been paid in? - Of course.

Hands up, then.

- Excuse me? - Hands up!

Hands up! This is a robbery!

Hands up!

Everybody get back.

Up against the wall.

Give me the money.

- Everybody up against the wall. - Give me the money.

- What are you doing? - Come on.

Put it all in there. Put it all in the bag. Hurry up.

- Think about what you're doing. - Hurry up.

- Get a move on. - Stay calm.

Put it all in there.

Dogs. Dogs!

Call them off!

Call them off!

Keep still.

Let's get out of here!

Help! Dogs!

Don't shoot.

Call the dogs off!

Gentlemen, go back to your posts and keep working.

Take that, you thieving bastard. You've really pissed me off.

God damn you!

Filthy pig!

String him up!

Careful, sir...

Let me vent my anger before they take him away.

Bastard! Take that. And that.

Let me vent my anger.

- Have you ever stolen anything? - Never. "Property is sacred."

"The mother is always known." "I came, I saw, I conquered."

"Believe, obey, fight."

"Stealing is more than a crime, it's a mistake."

Talleyrand.

- Why? - Why?

Because everything that distinguishes one thing from another is property,

according to Tommaseo.

So if you steal

you're confusing things,

and confusing their owners, of course.

A property owner mustn't be confused with a non-property owner.

How much do we have in the bank?

As much as we deserve.

So, that thing...

What's it called? Money.

It's a prize?

- Yes. - A prize for what, goddammit?

- For honesty? - Maybe.

So in your opinion we're dishonest. Thieves.

Because we've never had a cent.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

- Florentine steaks. - Thank you, sir.

Chateaubriand as usual.

Sir.

You just have to sign.

Your loan's been approved.

- I'm not signing. - What?

If I ask for 400 million it's because I need 400 million,

not the 350 you're insisting on.

Excuse me, sir, but nobody turns down 350 million.

Well, I'm turning it down and I'm going.

You're going?

- Where? - What do you mean, where?

To another bank.

I'm taking my money and going to the bank across the street.

No... Listen, sir.

If a client like you leaves,

there will be a stain on my career.

An indelible stain.

Give me ten days and I'll get you 50 million more.

I give you my word.

- 400? - 450.

I'm counting on it.

Sir?

What is it?

I'd like the bank to give me a long-term loan.

You?

Yes, me.

At your level you're entitled...

to 350,000 lire.

But, sir, I would like...

ten million.

What for?

To live.

- To live better. - What guarantee do we have?

- You'd have to vouch for me. - Why?

Well, in my short career my hands have touched

exactly 21 billion, 850 million, 375,000 lire and 60 cents,

not to mention all the money my father counted

as an employee of this bank.

We've never stolen anything.

So you can vouch for my honesty.

Do you have property?

No.

What gives you the right to approach the banking establishment,

you who have nothing,

to obtain a loan?

Loans should be granted to people who have nothing.

Charitable loans are good enough for them.

Banks are for those who have money.

Anyway, you're allergic to money.

I'm getting better.

And I'm resigning.

That's sacrilege!

Come back here right now.

This is a crime.

I can't remember that word

which means that you possess something.

A son, a house, a plot of land, a car, a wife...

The verb "to be".

An auxiliary verb.

I am, you are, he is...

I was... That's it, I was.

No, no, no, no. I had.

That's it. I had.

I had, we had, we had, you had,

if they had, they had, we had,

having had, having had, they had...

all being conjugations of the verb "having".

"To have". Conjugations of the verb "to have".

Yes, yes...

This indicates possession of things.

That's it, "to have".

"To have" can be simple or conjugated. Of course.

I... I habbing, I hab,

he habs, he habs,

we hab, we will hab...

No more, for God's sake.

We don't have a bean.

I don't have,

you don't have...

He has.

Dammit, he sure does have.

He has us. He possesses us.

He has, he possesses

shops, houses, cars,

women, houseboys,

and that thing, money,

by the sackful, by the cartload.

What will I do with all this money I accumulate

now that I'm in a position, as I have been for some time,

to take care of all the needs I have in life?

Well, I'll use it to make more.

And even more.

Millions, billions.

Because my fundamental need is to get richer.

When I think about the bank clerks

who risk their lives protecting other people's money,

or the ticket collectors on the trams

who, every evening without fail, hand in the day's takings,

or the down-and-outs

who passively accept their misfortune

in accordance with the laws that protect property.

But I really do suspect

that in these have-nets...

Time for some crazy talk. Bring on the bullshit!

That calms me down

because they're the ones that are making me rich.

But despite everything I'm not happy.

No, because I, just like money,

would like to be immortal.

MAN IS A CARNIVOROUS ANIMAL

One kilo and 200 grams.

Could you weigh it again, please?

Why?

Because I saw one kilo and 80 grams, not 200.

I'm not weighing it again.

If you want it, it's 3,800 lire.

- You need to trust me. - Why?

I've watched you these last three mornings and you never let the scales settle.

So I'm a thief, then?

That's an ugly word. I wouldn't dream of using it.

- Well, pay up and shut up, then. - Of course I'll pay.

3,800 at the till.

Give me a kilo of stewing steak. And make it a kilo.

- Shoulder? - Yeah.

Eh?

- Where's my knife gone? - What's he looking for?

- Where's my knife? - Oh, his knife.

Not my knife...

Not my knife. My knife needs to be found.

What do you think we'd do with your knife?

It was here. Someone must have taken it.

If we were going to steal something we'd steal the meat.

What would a regular family do with a butcher's knife?

Will you serve us? We're in a hurry.

Well, don't just sit there.

- There's a thief among us. - There certainly is.

- And maybe worse. - What a thief, eh?

- A knife is a dangerous weapon. - Go on, search me.

- Why don't you call the police? - Yeah, let's call the cops.

We can talk about prices and weight too.

Please serve us now.

- I'm closed. - What do you mean, closed?

- I'm not selling anything else today. - So what am I going to do?

I've never heard anything like it, stealing a knife from a butcher.

Never.

Go on.

I'm embarrassed. Please don't make me.

Why are you embarrassed? We've always done it.

- Look at the movie, it'll help. - No, stop it.

When you were a waitress in the bar you didn't mind.

- I was working for you then. - Go on.

You work for me now.

Watch out or I'll send you back to work in the bar.

That's it.

Now, go on. That's it.

Go down. Yeah.

Yeah...

Yeah...

- Excuse me. - Excuse you for what?

Yeah...

What is it?

Your hat.

What do you mean, my hat? Does this look like a good time to ask?

Go on.

- Excuse me. - The guy can't sit still.

First my knife, then my hat in the cinema.

What kind of a theft is this?

He isn't just any old professional thief, he's a personal enemy.

The knife, the hat... Someone's put a curse on you.

Have you hurt anyone?

- What... - Did you take the Lord's name in vain?

Did you see a hunchback?

Did you refuse to cross a gypsy's palm?

Stop it.

Maybe it's just some son of a bitch playing a joke.

You go on up.

I'll put the car in the garage.

There's a burglar!

What are you laughing at?

Your hat.

Don't scream.

Be quiet. Be quiet.

- Where's your stuff? - The bedroom.

Move it. Move it!

Where's your stuff?

Show me.

No!

No! No!

- Show me. - No. No...

- Don't scream. - Not my jewelry.

No... Shall I open the safe for you?

Open it.

- I'll give you all the money you want. - Open it.

Look how much money's in there. Just give me back my jewelry.

Stay still.

Don't move.

Stay there.

- No! - Stay right there.

Anita?

- What's going on? - There's a burglar with a mask.

Shut the door. Lock it.

What did he do? She's passed out.

The money's all there.

What did he take?

The jewelry I was wearing.

- Which way did he go? - That way.

Go look for him.

You go.

- Stop thief! - Shut up.

Idiot. Get back inside.

This is my hat.

- Maybe he wanted to give it back. - Don't be stupid.

Go fetch a suitcase. A big one.

I saw him drive off on a motorbike.

Shut up. Get out of here.

You're his accomplice, right? You're the burglar's lover.

- No! - I'm calling the police.

Go to your room, you idiot.

Damn busybody!

- Well done. - What shall I do?

Put everything in it. Quickly.

We need to hide the suitcase in the basement.

- Does the painting fit? - No.

Take it out of the frame.

- How long was the maid unconscious? - Three or four minutes.

We need to say it was longer. We'll have to break the clock.

What time did the burglar come?

I found him in here. It must have been around six.

We'll need to say it was a quarter... half an hour later

to the police and the insurance company.

And when Brigadier Pirelli gets here, cry.

Look like you're frightened, all right?

A Campigli painting... ten million.

Seven pearl necklaces worth four million.

Write down four million. Here's the receipt.

Moving on...

Diamond-studded bracelet, 30 pieces,

150 grams of gold, 18-karat.

Value?

15 million. It's all in here.

Let's put 16. The insurance company reduces it anyway.

I'll have to change the receipt.

OK, I'll change the receipt.

Don't cry, the insurance company will pay for everything.

Will you stop that?

What else?

A jeweled pendant worth four million 450,000 lire.

Four million? That seems too much to me.

- Sorry, didn't you say... - They won't believe it.

- Let's put two million 800,000. - Whatever you say.

- What's the total? - I can tell you now.

42 million 450,000 lire.

A fortune.

It'd take me 20 years to earn that.

Yeah, but you're lucky enough to have a fixed salary.

- Can I sign it? - Yes, go ahead.

Even thieves make more than me.

I'm talking about professional thieves.

Brigadier, is there any hope of catching the thief?

None.

Just as well.

With the insurance money we'll buy new things.

That's right.

What did you say? Brigadier!

I don't want any misunderstandings.

With or without the insurance money, all I want is for the thief to be arrested.

For everyone's sake. And most of all for our society's sake.

This kind of thing will end up scaring decent people out of their wits.

If you're not afraid of having it stolen you can't enjoy your wealth.

- Why do you buy jewelry? - What do you mean, why?

To capitalize, of course.

Anita likes it, it's beautiful.

Sure, and other people find it beautiful too.

These things are either bought... or stolen.

Anita.

Idiot.

You idiot!

It's not a joke. This is no laughing matter.

This house is cursed. Someone's put the evil eye on us.

You were right.

It all started when the knife was stolen.

Yes, because the thief threatened me with the knife he stole from you.

What could it mean?

Knife, hat, jewelry.

What is this? Witchcraft? Persecution?

Knife, hat, jewelry.

What does he want? Who is this person?

If I were you I'd go to confession.

Hold on a second.

Put the stocking back on.

Stop thief.

Yell, "Stop thief".

Stop thief.

- Louder. - Stop thief!

Louder.

Stop thief! Stop thief! Stop thief!

Yes. And again.

Stop thief!

- Yes... - Stop thief! Stop thief!

A thief...

or rather a man who doesn't steal money...

is abnormal, capable of anything...

Or he belongs to a group.

Anita, I feel like I'm in danger.

PROTECT YOURSELF

Welcome to our permanent exhibition of anti-theft devices.

Our great industry at the service of citizens' security

would like to show you its latest achievements.

Help us to protect you.

- Come here. - Help us to protect you.

Help us to protect you.

Cerruti, model A. 38,000 lire.

This is model B.

And we carry on alphabetically until model E.

From 38,000 to 60,000 lire, plus installation.

Two-year guarantee. Tax not included.

Here our bulletproof X-29 glass is being tested.

And now, gentlemen,

something completely new.

A device which breaks with all tradition

and may even defeat the car thieves forever.

The thief breaks into the car with a fake key.

The traditional alarm goes off.

The thief easily stops it.

He's about to start the engine

when our anti-conventional device springs into action.

Maximum results for a minimal cost.

You can even have poison gas.

And now for our best value protection system,

from 8,000 to 150,000 lire.

From scare guns to bazookas.

The price includes legal assistance.

Help us to protect you.

Help us to protect you.

The anti-Diabolik door!

Underground storage vaults for your valuables

and excellent value too.

Excuse me.

If you'll allow me...

Come on, dumbass.

Hey, you!

Sorry, this isn't part of it.

Come here.

- He's a thief. We need to arrest him. - He's not a thief. It's an experiment.

Come on, let's go.

That guy... It's him! Quick!

I knew it.

It was here.

- What was? - The car was here, wasn't it?

I don't remember.

It was him.

- Who? - Dammit!

Damn him! He's even stolen my car.

Why did it have to be mine?

Why not this one?

Why not this one?

- You'll hurt yourself. - I don't care.

Hey! Security! Come here. Who was it?

I feel like a thing.

I am a thing.

Actually... many things.

Tits,

thighs,

belly,

mouth.

I am many pieces,

many pieces of a thing,

and I live like a vase full of holes.

They took me from my home just like they'd take a can of tomatoes

and now I'm here.

But if I wasn't here

I'd be somewhere else,

in another shop,

in another house, in another neighborhood...

or even... sitting in the cinema

like you are.

But they'd always open me up

like a can of tomatoes

with a can opener,

with their dick

or even without it, with their fingers.

And I laugh.

Why do I laugh?

I laugh because you're like me

but you act like nothing's happened.

And like me

you're shut away in a refrigerator...

with the mineral water.

Carbonated mineral water.

10, 20, 30...

50, 60, 70,

80, 90, 100,

110,120,130...

They're looking at us.

180, 1...

I'm hungry. Let's go eat a steak.

Yeah.

Go home. You can go. I'm shutting up shop.

Bastard!

Bastard!

- Open up! - Leave it. I don't want the money.

- Open up! - Where are you taking me?

- Open up! - To my house.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

- He's taking me away. - Come on.

Stop! Stop!

The car's unlocked with the keys inside. It'll get stolen.

They can go ahead and take it. I don't need it anymore.

So why did you steal it?

VISITORS MUST REPORT TO THE PORTER BEFORE GOING UPSTAIRS

Who's that?

A ghost.

- The ghost of a bank clerk. - So much stuff!

- Did you steal it all? - I'm a Mandrakian Marxist.

I only steal what I need.

The hardest thing to steal is tobacco.

Even harder than medicine.

Did you buy the caviar?

- I stole it, I didn't buy it. - That's not true.

It's not true. It isn't.

Thieves are the sons of thieves and I'm not a thief.

But I steal. I even stole her.

- I don't believe you. - No, it's true, he stole me.

I belong in a butcher's shop. He took me from the shop window.

I don't believe you. I don't believe you.

You like eating stolen food.

Good, isn't it?

Oriental flavor.

Forbidden luxury.

Almost obscene.

See?

Rule number one, stolen food tastes the same as bought food.

- You bought it. - No.

I stole it and you know it.

I don't know it.

I don't know it and I don't want to know it.

What shall I do? Get undressed? Have a wash?

Get into bed?

Comb my hair?

Undress you?

You tell me.

Go to the window.

Close it.

And now don't move, whatever I do to you.

- Is it OK like this? - Be quiet.

- Don't hurt me. - Be quiet.

Stay still.

You don't have to pretend with me.

Stay still. Like a steak.

Like a steak?

I'm used to doing something,

moving, embracing, touching.

Lie down on the bed

and stay still,

like you're dead.

Don't frighten me.

I've got nothing to do with the butcher.

Close your eyes.

I've seen a lot in my time but even he didn't treat me like this.

He makes me do everything.

Sometimes I become like a worker

and he's like a machine that I have to operate.

But at least the filthy beast bought me.

I'm on a salary, like a wife.

Whenever he wants some

I clock in and he gets some.

But if I want to I can go on strike.

You don't even let me say yes.

You want me to play dead.

You steal my will, my spirit.

It's not fair.

That's enough now.

Go back to your boss.

Tell him it was a temporary theft.

Tell him I'm not through with him yet.

And don't even think about ratting me out, or you'll pay.

- Who is it? - Open the door.

Council president Chianciano Terme

presents the Gold Mercury to Italmerc director Mario Rossi

at the annual meeting of the National Association of Italian Retailers.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Keep quiet.

Don't say a word, I know everything already.

First the jewelry,

yesterday the car and today you.

And tomorrow, who knows?

And you weren't in it together, right?

Dammit!

No!

What have I got to do with it? He's crazy.

He lay me on the bed like a corpse,

then he grabbed my jewelry and stamped on it like it was rock salt.

Two million.

We need to turn him in.

What about the insurance?

They'll find out he only stole three million, not the 40 you said.

They won't investigate.

That works... but there are still the invoices I forged.

No, they won't notice.

But I'll have to close down the secret slaughterhouse,

put the unauthorized housing project in Torvaianica on hold.

Six times eight is 48.

What a mess! 48 million without even counting the fine.

The workers don't have social security numbers.

Family tax credit down to 100,000 lire a year,

income tax arrears to pay,

stamp duty, the rigged scales...

No.

It wouldn't do me any good.

It's painful but I can't turn him in.

What's there to laugh about?

You think it's fair?

You think it's fair

that someone like me should be persecuted,

hated, envied?

Yes, envied.

I can feel all the envy.

But why is it my fault if I'm smarter than them,

if I know how to make money?

Let them get their hands dirty like I do

instead of going around stealing like common thieves.

- Who's the smartest of them all? - You.

- Who's the most manly? - You are.

- And the strongest? - You.

- Who's the toughest of them all? - You.

Who's the best butcher in Rome?

- You are. - Yes, I am.

- Who's got the nicest dick in Rome? - You.

- The biggest? - You do.

- The strongest? - You.

- Who's the most envied man? - You.

- Who's the luckiest? - You.

- Who pays the least tax? - You.

- Say it again. - You.

Yes, it's me. Yeah, me.

- Who's the king of Rome? - You.

And who's the most pitiful person in the world?

I am.

I am.

- No, I am. - I am.

I am. Me.

I am.

- I am. - I am.

I, Brigadier of the Public Security Forces,

stand guard against human hatred.

I've been working to keep order for 20 years.

But I fear that this order, this harmony

is impossible to achieve in a life founded on inequality.

To make up for this, I get plenty of satisfaction elsewhere.

I investigate, arrest, interrogate, misrepresent,

coerce, affirm, deny, exercise cruelty,

acquire, set up, tear down

and take over parts of people's lives, some important, some less so.

And so I'm consumed with pessimism

and console myself with the egotistical nature of my privileges.

First and foremost the freedom to arrest whoever I want.

Arresting people is a wonderful thing.

- What do you mean... - Be quiet.

You'll need to wait to make up for the carelessness that got you ripped off.

This way, Brigadier.

That's him.

Come with me, please. Where did the robbery take place?

At my house, around 10pm.

I'd finished watching TV and my mother and I were saying the rosary.

Can you describe the stolen goods?

A diamond ring, a diamond bracelet

and an unset ten-karat diamond.

Do you have any suspects?

- I saw him. - So why didn't you shout for help?

I hoped he'd repent

and bring back the jewelry.

I find the fact that the thief chose a priest quite significant.

I think he's a believer.

Only a believer would go into a priest's house to steal jewelry.

It's a kind of sacrilegious attraction. Sexual too.

You've got photographs of all the previous offenders here, right?

Father, we've got our faithful flock too.

Maybe I could recognize him

if I saw... a photograph of him.

Come with me.

You're only allowed in here because you're a priest.

The criminals are filed

according to their religious and sexual tendencies.

Atheist, fetishist.

Jewish, normal.

Non-practicing believer, necrophiliac.

Sadistic atheist, blasphemer.

Catholic but queer.

Communist, Trotskyist and masochist.

Atheist, normal.

Catholic, but robs banks dressed as a monk.

Catholic, secretary of the Rebibbia Catholic Action group. Rapist.

Hold on. Who's that?

Alessandro Marzo, alias Albertone. Actor by profession.

Ambidextrous, apolitical, no religious issues.

Old-school burglar. A real artist.

Would have been the best if his vices hadn't ruined him.

He's a good person. Everybody's friend.

Is it him?

No.

Right. It can't be him.

He's busy that time of night and never steals outside his neighborhood.

I'd have known if it was him.

See, even thieves have their own parishes

and police stations.

But... if they catch the thief, how long will he get?

Article 469 of the Penal Code... five years.

That's a lot if you think about the punishments in the next life.

Purgatory, hell...

Father, we're concerned with this life, which is the one we understand.

Our jurisdictions follow parallel paths,

a bit like Fiat and Alfa Romeo or the marines and the air force.

Really?

In fact our jurisdictions, despite their differences,

share the same goal... maintaining order.

Atheist...

Father?

Where is he?

Father?

The knife...

Stop thief! Stop thief!

- Who is it? - Police. I'm coming up.

Is this it?

Yes.

- Where did you find it? - I can't tell you, it's confidential.

- How many knives do you have? - 25.

But I cut my first ever meat with this knife.

Sit down.

Who knew about this?

Everyone.

My ex-wife, her father, who I used to work for,

two brothers-in-law and all my employees.

- And your mistress? - Her too.

Do you trust her?

No.

Well, yes.

More no than yes.

How long have you been involved in your business?

How did you come to own the butcher's shop?

What does my personal information have to do with this knife?

Don't worry. You need to trust me like you'd trust a priest during confession.

My experience tells me

that the person who's harassing you is looking for revenge.

That's right. That's right!

So why don't you tell me everything that will help the investigation?

Who are your enemies?

Why don't you live with your wife?

What's your relationship with your children?

Who are your business rivals? Have you done anyone any harm?

Why do I have to tell you all these things?

Business confidentiality is sacred. Like the confidentiality of an investigation.

You worry about catching the thief, if you can...

which I doubt.

Please stop. You're coming close to defamation.

I'll defame as much as I want.

I make money go round.

I feed dozens of people.

This knife means wealth for everyone,

even for the state

because I pay my taxes and therefore your wages too.

My friend, if we put the robber and the robbed on the same level,

where would we stop?

The police might as well resign

and we'll put supermarkets in the police stations.

Look, wise guy, without us theft is no longer theft.

It becomes a right, the law, and thieves become revolutionaries.

Now we've even got philosopher cops.

- Give me the knife. - No.

- I said give it to me. - What will you do if I don't?

I'm a public official and you must give it to me.

And if I say I won't?

You have to because we're all done here.

OK. Here you are.

Good day.

Get out there and do your job.

Earn your living. Sweat for it.

The dick can be called root, cock,

little bird, sinew, rod, quill-holder,

piece of meat, handle, cucumber,

aspergillum,

zucchini...

and rolling pin.

Dibble, trowel, bolt,

reed, one-eyed Jack, my friend, cane, pole,

hat stand, candle stub, mushroom,

eel, slat and truncheon.

Wedge and door knocker, barrel tap and cork

and cream horn and pipe and gherkin

and salami and sausage and black pudding.

Give me that thermos, my stomach's empty.

I've got to tell you something.

So brave, robbing with a weapon.

I'm not going if I'm not armed. I'm too scared.

Jerk.

A thief's a thief.

And a murderer

is a murderer.

Take that knife out.

Improvised weapon. Four more years.

Yellow or blue?

- Yellow. - Blue.

Come on.

- Here. - Come on!

Go on.

Put the minks in the suitcases. Hurry up.

- Let go of me. I'm out of here. - Come here.

What are you doing?

- Are you alone? - Yes.

- Who sent you? - No one.

So you came to rob the robbers? That's a new method.

I need you.

I've got some business to offer you.

- Let's finish this first. - Sure.

Is this a civilized way to operate?

Sticking your nose in people's business and annoying them while they're working?

It's shameless, that's what it is.

Where the hell did they go?

Bocio!

Bocio!

Zaganè!

Those sons of bitches.

Pieces of shit.

- Where to now? - Come with me.

What business do we need to talk about?

Where are you going? Come back here.

I can't drive.

They're not after us, it's a different district. Come on.

- Where are you going? - I want to see.

- See what? - Maybe we can lend them a hand.

- Who? - The thieves.

We'd need a lot of hands for all of them.

If they get caught, too bad.

They don't deserve anything. Lend a hand to thieves...

They'll bite it off. We're like wolves.

- They're coming this way. - Forget it.

They're trying to run away, don't bother them.

- Who are they? - What do you care?

A couple of thieves running away.

Where do you think they ended up?

Look, that's where.

They went to pray. They're there, can't you see them?

Come on, let's go. Get moving.

They're going to recognize me. Get moving or they'll bust us, you idiot.

What's that guy doing? He must have been hit in the head.

Who sent you?

What do you want from me? What did I do to you?

- This guy's killing me. - Move on. Get out of here.

- There's nothing to see. Move on. - What the... Go on, hurry up.

Move it! We've got all those furs. For God's sake!

- Who are they? - One's Graccio, the other's Barabbas.

- Do you know them? - Yeah, they're a couple of jerks.

Or rather they were a couple of jerks. What a shitty job.

Didn't you want to talk business?

- Let's go to my place. - OK, wherever you want.

Fuck it.

I can't wait to sleep.

- Are you sick? What is it? - Keep driving.

We're here.

- I live here. - No shit?

You must be loaded.

What kind of business do you want to do?

We've been arguing for three hours and we haven't got anywhere.

I'm warning you,

if you put in a token dispenser I'll smash it to pieces.

That elevator isn't yours.

- It's not yours either. - It's all of ours.

So you own a property here too?

Almost.

- Are we sure this is the third floor? - I think so.

- Open the door. - You've got the key.

- It's not my house. - Who lives here?

A butcher. He's really rich.

He's got a load of jewelry, cash, silverware...

I'll squeal, you know. I'll squeal.

I don't have a criminal record but you do. I'll squeal.

You've screwed me over.

- Is there anyone in there? - I don't know.

Here's a flashlight. Open the door.

Hurry up. Please, I beg you.

Come on.

Take off your shoes. They're too noisy.

They've locked the inside doors too. That's a bad sign.

Open it.

That's why I brought you here.

- What do you want from me? - To learn.

I'm a beginner. I need teachers.

You're the only one with a chance in here.

Go on.

This one's locked too.

What is this, the Bank of Italy?

They're rich, I told you.

Quiet. There's someone in there. Listen.

- What are you doing? - Feel how fast my heart's beating.

After all these years you're still scared?

It's not fear.

Give me one. Go on.

Come on.

You take all the cash.

Again?

- Who's that? - I'll take care of her. You steal.

- Don't hurt her. Promise? - I promise.

The safe's behind the curtain on the left.

There's nothing here.

He took it all to the bank. All that's left is me.

He could be here any minute.

He's at a residents' meeting on the first floor.

That's why he didn't even put the alarm on. What an idiot.

No.

Please.

Please...

Don't scream. Don't scream.

- Is there a service staircase? - I don't think so.

Anyway it's time to elect new officers.

This is a dictatorship.

People here are crazy for power. Dictatorships begin in apartment blocks.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Here he is. - We need order!

Why?

Why you again?

Thief.

Stop thief!

Stop thief!

Come on.

Where's the garage?

- I'm sorry but I don't know. - Idiot son of a bitch.

Help!

Come on.

Stop thief!

Stop thief!

- This is the basement. - Stop thief!

Isn't anybody going to get involved?

Anybody?

- Wake up! - Don't open the door to anyone.

There are thieves in the building. Help!

We may be afraid now but they live their lives in terror.

Doctor. Doctor!

- Who is it? - The owner of apartment number eight.

- There's a thief. - I'm not opening.

I hate him.

I counted his money at the bank.

It was dirty and smelly. It made me sick.

I need to reduce him to poverty.

Nobody ever ended up in poverty because of theft, you idiot.

Forget it.

If you want to steal, do it to get rich like everyone else.

Purelli, help me out here.

There's a burglar.

There's a thief in the building. Will you help me?

- Here, it's loaded. - What? What?

But...

Come on out!

Where are you?

Over there. That way.

Shoot. Shoot!

- What do you mean, shoot? - Shoot.

- What do I shoot at? - Shoot!

They went that way.

That way. That way, I'm telling you.

Dammit...

That way, I said!

Shut the door.

- Who is it? - Albertone.

- Who's he? - A friend.

- Where's Mafalda? - In the back.

Hi.

- Who's he? - A friend.

Wait for me over there.

Take out the furs.

Hurry up.

I'll leave you all the money.

All I want is a few cigarettes and some caviar if there's any.

Let's make a deal.

Here's the mink, check it out.

I'll give you 600,000 for the lot.

Three million.

- 600,000. - I said three million.

Shut up. Do what she says.

What are you doing?

Let's go, right?

A thief gets mad because the fence wants to do business.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does.

Outside of here this is regular merchandise.

They're legal, just like any other furs.

Listen, I planned this robbery. I did it.

The furs go to her and I set the price.

She's got to pay what they're worth.

The furs stay here. I ordered the robbery. You need to come to an agreement.

- What are you doing? - Say it.

What does he want from me?

- Come on. Say, "I'm a thief." - Get him off me.

- Say you're a thief. - You son of a bitch!

Let her go. You really thought she'd pay us millions?

Poverty's all you can earn as a thief.

Find a regular job. You were born to be a slave.

And you can fuck off.

The money!

The money!

Damn you!

Bastard!

You're going to pay me back for what he took.

- How much did he take? - Two million.

- But you've got the furs. - Of course.

I've got the furs.

And you owe me 800,000 lire.

I'll make him pay for this.

He's taken ten years of my life.

That's your problem.

I gave in. I stole money for the first time.

And I can spend it however I like.

Stolen money

is the same as money you earn by the sweat of your brow.

It's terrible but that's how it is.

To eliminate crime... the law will need to be changed.

Property isn't just theft, it's a disease.

To be...

or to have?

I'd like to be and to have

but I know that's not possible.

That's the disease.

The money... That thief...

"Property is sacred."

It was sacred, damn you.

What are you doing, son? What are you doing, son?

- It's mine. - What are you doing, son?

Don't burn it. We need it all.

Doesn't it disgust you? I stole it.

Well, what's done is done, right?

We might as well spend it.

Come here, come here. Give me some.

At least enough to pay the rent so we won't get kicked out.

That's it. A little bit more, go on.

I need to pay the wine seller,

the milkman, the butcher, the baker.

And I could buy myself a tie, a shirt

and even a pair of shoes, a nice patent leather pair.

The police.

Here, give it to me.

Don't keep it on you. I'll take it. I'll hide it.

Come here, son. What are you doing? Where are you going?

Are you nuts? Come here. I'll hide it for you.

No! Not in the toilet!

No! Don't...

Don't do it! Are you crazy?

Get out of there. Get out!

Get out, son!

He's gone crazy. Get out of here!

Accountant?

- Who is it? - It's me.

I've brought you a kilo of sliced veal.

I want to talk to you. Can I come in?

No.

I want to make a deal.

He's sick.

I don't want to see him.

So...

I'll be on my way.

Are you brave enough to stay?

No.

Bye.

Are you scared of him?

I'm more scared of you than him.

You're young.

You'll soon get tired.

- And you won't? You're young too. - With him it's like work.

I'm going.

I'll come and see you. Wait for me.

- When? - One evening when he's at home.

- Help! - That's enough.

- Let's go. - Help!

You can get up now.

Good as new.

Please come in.

This way.

- Do you recognize him? - No.

What do you mean, no?

Yes.

This young man works at the bank where I'm a customer.

How are you?

Cigarette?

- Look closely. - I'm looking.

This isn't him. If it was him, I'd recognize him anywhere.

- It's him, I'm telling you. - No.

He's the guy who left this knife here.

I lost the knife.

Think about what you're saying. You could be charged with perjury.

Go on, do it. I'll get my lawyers on the case.

What...

Are you trying to drive me insane?

I catch the thief who's been harassing you

and you say you don't recognize him?

Do you want him to carry on doing it?

Do you enjoy it?

- Or... - Or what?

Or you're all in it together.

You made a deal to screw over the insurance company.

I'll say it one more time. Turn me in.

Just try it, you down,

and I'll call this accountant as a witness to your slander.

Come in.

Come on, let them see you.

Go on, tell the truth.

His pockets were full of jewelry.

He showed it to me.

He told me he'd stolen it from a butcher.

He wanted to sell it to me.

- But I sent him away. - See, some people collaborate.

Sure. Thieves collaborate with each other.

And the thief that broke into my bedroom and took the jewelry is this man.

I recognize him perfectly.

And I'd like to report him.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Defend yourself.

- What a jerk. - Who?

What do you mean, who?

He's just pretending. He's an actor.

Hey, actor.

Get up, Albertone.

He's dead.

It's an occupational hazard.

Thieves all die of heart attacks.

He's dead. He's dead.

Why did he have to die here?

What will the newspapers say?

Who's going to protect me from the newspapers?

You mustn't worry.

I'll tell them you didn't lay a finger on him.

That's not enough.

No one trusts us anymore.

We don't even trust each other.

You can tell the truth.

No way. That would be even worse.

I'll vouch for your version of the story. Trust me.

Thank you.

You're the best witness I've ever met.

Come with me.

Corporal, come with me.

You stay sitting down.

Don't look. Turn away.

What are you doing here?

Go on, get going.

Get out of here, go.

Is Mr. Total here? I'd like to speak to him.

Please, come in.

Tell him it's the butcher. He'll understand.

This way.

There's a butcher here in the dining room.

He says he needs to talk to you.

- I've brought you meat for the whole week. - Please have a seat.

Thank you.

All right, then, I'll go cook a couple.

- If you'd like to join us... - No, thank you.

Smoke?

You know why I didn't turn you in to the police?

Because I need to do the right thing.

I've made too much money.

And not always honestly, I admit it.

Look, I'd be willing, in spirit,

to give away everything I have.

But I'm not brave enough to be the first to do it. Do you see?

I'm afraid of being poor

in a world that's unfortunately dominated by the rich.

If everyone was doing it, I'd be the first.

And anyway, you tell me, is there a written or unwritten law

against making money from industry or commerce?

No.

Religion, perhaps.

My dear friend, religion tells us not to commit adultery,

not to kill, not to cause offence, not to steal,

but doesn't mention getting rich.

Do you follow?

And to get rich you have to cause offence, overpower, rob, etcetera.

What more can I say in my defense?

I can say that I work.

Yes, I work.

And I perform a function in society,

killing edible animals

so that people can eat and be nourished.

Understand?

If it weren't for me, you would all have to go into the forests

and hunt for prey in order to eat.

Can you imagine three million Romans out hunting?

I get my hands dirty

so everyone else can forget what they are.

Murderers. That's right, murderers.

Murderers.

Don't you want to pay me

for that huge, essential and fundamental function I perform,

killing for all of you?

Sure, my work's profitable, I agree.

But you try it. Go kill some animals.

It's a free market. Competition is allowed.

All you need is start-up capital.

How much do you want to stop envying me?

Everything.

I'm a property owner.

And to make a property owner like me give up everything,

there would have to be a revolution,

which there isn't.

Come here. Come to the window and look outside.

See that seven-story building? It's mine. I've got four others as well.

And four butcher's shops and three cinemas and capital too.

How will you take all that?

To take all that you'd have to destroy the land registry,

kill all the notaries, burn down the police stations,

occupy Parliament, take over all the television networks.

Give me a figure.

I'll write down a figure that you'll never be able to reach

with all your little robberies.

Come on. How about a seven-figure number?

An eight-figure number?

That's a family heirloom.

I'll just tell myself that I lost it.

Do you want Anita?

Don't get ripped off.

Business is business, after all.

You keep pushing, increase the amount.

- Is that good? - How much per kilo?

600 lire for a live animal,

but it's better to buy a dead one for 1,200.

You save on the 40 kilos of blood.

You cut them in two, the back and the front.

The front part's worth less.

Heart, tripe, stomach, intestines, hooves and brains.

The back part? Choice meat.

You start from the shanks and make your way up to the thigh.

Then you come to the rump.

From there you move on to the noble part, the loin, or sirloin, the rib-eye

and the fillet, 4,000 lire per kilo.

I'll build you a butcher's shop.

A secret slaughterhouse. A sausage factory.

We're partners. I'll help you make money.

I'll never accept. Never.

Never.

Never.

Never.

Exploiter.

- Bloodsucker. - I'm strong.

- I'm strong. - Never.

I'm strong.

You're not a thief.

You're not honest.

What are you?

I don't know.

A thief has died.

A legend has died.

A man who, since he was a boy, stood out

for his cunning,

his creativity,

his skill

and his courage.

A thief.

He stole for 43 years

and never held back.

He stole despite excelling in many other professions,

as a comic actor,

a dancer, a set painter, a locksmith.

Oh, yes,

Albertone could have been someone who passed for an honest man.

But he refused to be a hypocrite.

He played with his cards facing up.

He didn't hide, he didn't pretend.

He didn't rig any scales,

he didn't play the stock market,

he didn't exploit people.

He was a thief and that's how people saw him.

"I'm Albertone and I'm a thief."

And standing here before him,

before our dead friend who has left us,

like so many other workers, through an accident at work,

I, Paco the Argentine,

want to pay my respects

to thieves.

To all of us.

To all of you.

Friends, comrades, colleagues and rivals.

What would the world be without us?

Think about it.

How many of these bastards who call themselves honest men

would end up in the gutter?

How many?

Let's count them, shall we?

What would locksmiths do without thieves?

And lock factories?

And shutter factories?

And all the bank workers,

the night watchmen, the police, the Carabinieri?

People who make doors and windows?

Inventors of anti-theft devices, always trying to perfect their work?

And the porters, the lawyers, the judges,

the prison guards and governors?

- What about the night watchmen? - The insurance men.

Insurance men, police dogs?

What would they all do without us?

Think about it, my friends.

Think about it.

How many people would be out of a job

if all of us took revenge against this ungrateful society,

if all of us together, at the same time,

decided to stop stealing?

The nation's economy would crumble.

And that's why I now say

take off your hats

before Albertone.

Hero of our profession

and, on top of that, a saint.

Society owes its established order and social equilibrium to us

because we, stealing under cover of darkness,

cover up and justify the thieves

who operate under cover of legality.

All honor to Albertone and to all thieves everywhere.

Damn them all!

Damn them.

Long live Mandrakian Marxism.

I...

have.

May I?

Thief.

Thief.

Thief.

Thief.

My son was like a father to me.

My son was like a father to me.

My son was like a father to me.

My son was like a father to me.

My son was like a father to me.

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