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[theme music playing]
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[birds chirping]
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[thunder and rain]
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[thunder]
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] The morning after my meeting
with Cotswold District Council,
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I withdrew my offer to
buy the Coach & Horses.
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This was a sad day for me,
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and a sad day too for
this lovely old building.
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00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,760
But even though I was
feeling quite deflated,
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I had to turn my
attention to a problem
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that was affecting every
farmer in the land:
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00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,760
the weather, which,
like a stuck record,
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had reared its ugly
head yet again.
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[soft piano music]
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[male reporter] There have been grey
skies over farming for six months now.
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The sodden ground
spells disaster.
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[female reporter] Crops
are already rotting,
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while many with livestock have
seen grazing land turn into mud.
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In 2024,
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the ground is simply too wet.
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[Jeremy] This time,
the problem was
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we'd had almost continuous rain
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throughout a mild winter.
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In the past 188 years
of weather records,
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we've never had a wetter February
than the one we saw this year.
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[Jeremy] And now we were into
the April planting season,
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everyone was stuck.
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No one could get their crops
into the sodden ground.
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And it was still raining.
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Mentally, financially, anything,
we can't carry on like this.
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[Jeremy] We'd been hit,
the same as everyone else.
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[wind blowing]
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Rain, rain, rain.
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It's stopped progress. No spraying,
no fertilising, no drilling.
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It just keeps on coming.
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{\an8}[soft music]
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{\an8}[Jeremy] This meant my
crop chat with Charlie
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was more of a crisis summit.
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[Jeremy] I don't want to go on about
rainfall 'cause we've done that
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00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,960
in every single programme since
we started making Clarkson's Farm.
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Basically, since
you started farming.
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- It hasn't stopped raining.
- The weather's been rubbish.
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I haven't had one
proper year yet.
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No.
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I printed this out
from The Times.
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"Sick of all this rain?
You should have seen 1872.
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By December 1872, after 12
months of continuous rain,
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conditions in England were
little short of apocalyptic."
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00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,640
At least according to The Times.
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"In the fields, rats as plentiful
as hares ravaged the cabbages.
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In Cambridge, rowers
practised in railway ditches.
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Rivers flowed into the
cellars of Leicester.
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The Archbishop of Canterbury was
leading emergency prayers for blue sky."
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That was in 1872, okay?
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"And how much rain did we
have in England that year?
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Roughly the same as has
fallen in the past 12 months."
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Interesting, isn't it?
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1872, they had the Archbishop
of Canterbury praying...
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- For blue sky!
- For it to stop raining.
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- That's amazing.
- And now we're just sitting here going,
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"Oh, bloody nuisance,
this rain, innit?"
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- We're getting used to it.
- Yeah, yeah.
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Anyway.
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It's now April
the... 3rd or 4th.
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How much later can we go
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before we have to
plant that durum wheat?
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We're getting to a point
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where the yield is
dropping off quite quickly.
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And the weather forecast for
the rest of this week is rain.
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Yes.
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Monday, rain. Tuesday, rain.
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Wednesday, rain. Friday,
rain. Saturday, rain.
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[Charlie] It's not a
good outlook, is it?
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What the fuck are we gonna do?
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We haven't got the
durum wheat planted.
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We haven't got the rye grass
in. We haven't got the NUM3 in.
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And nor is all of
the herbal ley.
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- The GS4?
- The GS4.
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That is in. I planted it.
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We might have to re-drill it.
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We will have to re-drill it.
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- The field I did?
- The field you did.
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- [Jeremy sighing]
- It's not growing.
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I must say, I was up at
the farm shop yesterday.
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No, day before yesterday.
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- It's quite brown.
- Talking to a farmer, I said,
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"I've got my GS4 in." And...
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- And he went...
- Expansive gesture! And he went, "Where?"
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Well, he had a point.
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The seed went onto the ground
and it's no longer there.
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- Shit, we need it to feed the cows.
- That's the point.
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If we want to feed
the cows this year,
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we want the GS4 in
quite quickly as well.
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But, the priority is very
easy: durum wheat, GS4.
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Give me a deadline.
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So if by the 24th of April
we haven't got the durum in,
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that's the problem.
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But we have planted
it in May before.
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And the yield was...
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Poor.
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Right.
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I think that's last
year's calendar.
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Why haven't we gotten
another calendar up?
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00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,816
[Charlie] I don't even
know what month that is.
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I'm gonna get a calendar
and I'm gonna ring it.
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- 24th.
- There's one on your phone.
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Yes, but I can't hang
my phone on the wall.
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[both chuckling]
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Well, you could.
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] On the odd day
when it didn't rain,
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the fields remained
completely waterlogged.
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[Jeremy] Look how much
flooding is over here.
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- [Lisa] Yeah, all floodplain.
- [Jeremy] Jesus.
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00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,520
[Jeremy] Lisa and I, therefore, used
the time to get back to pub hunting.
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And, rather sadly, we
were spoilt for choice.
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- Every single pub owner I went to...
- [Lisa] Yeah.
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Every single one said that
their pub was for sale.
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00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,320
Every single one.
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[Lisa] Oh, my God. Like, so,
if you look at this, right?
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- [Jeremy] Yeah?
- In 1990,
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there was 110 pubs
per 100,000 people.
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- [Jeremy] What, in the UK?
- In the UK.
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[Lisa] And then, in 2022,
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00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,360
there was about 68 pubs.
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00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,200
- [Jeremy] So it's fallen from 110...
- To 68.
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00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,840
- [Jeremy] To 68, per 100,000 people.
- Yes.
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00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,720
[Jeremy] I mean, there
are so many for sale.
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00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,160
So many.
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[Jeremy] The first pub we
visited was a heartfelt reminder
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of this sad decline.
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00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,096
[Jeremy] But you're
still open, aren't you?
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00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,256
- No, we're not now.
- Oh, you're closed.
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00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,080
Closed on Mother's Day.
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00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,280
- [Jeremy] Oh, shit. I didn't... Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
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00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:19,520
[Jeremy] And what made it even more sad
is that the pub was an absolute gem.
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[Jeremy] Oh wow, look at this.
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This is a properly nice
building, isn't it?
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00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,240
[Lisa] It's very, very charming.
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[Jeremy] However, access to its car
park meant it wasn't right for us.
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[Lisa] So, if it's busy and
you've got cars coming in
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and cars trying to get out,
this is a gridlock right here.
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I agree, I agree, I
agree. That is an issue.
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This is our issue.
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[Jeremy] The next pub, another
beauty, had no parking problems,
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00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,520
a lovely garden, great views,
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and a proper
Cotswold-pub interior.
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[publican] Come and
see the garden room.
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00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,600
It's a good size. It
has a good flow to it.
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00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,160
[Jeremy] It's very
pretty, isn't it?
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- [Lisa] It's very, very charming.
- [publican] Yes.
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[Lisa] Oh yeah, this'll do.
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00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,296
- [publican] It's a perfect size.
- It's a bar with a view as well.
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It's a stage as well. Ta-da!
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- Ta-da! I do like a bar.
- [publican laughs]
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[Jeremy] But if I wanted
to put a shop in it,
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it would have to be listed by the
planners as a Class E establishment,
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not just a pub.
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00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,480
I don't suppose you know if you're
Class E, do you, planning-wise?
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- Are you a pub or a restaurant?
- Er, pub.
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[Jeremy] Shit.
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[laughing] Okay.
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00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,680
[Jeremy] Lisa didn't think
this was too much of a problem.
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I did, though.
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[Lisa] While you're doing
planning permission,
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we could be up and
running and busy.
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00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,080
No, that's true, but...
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If you don't ultimately get planning
permission, I end up with a pub.
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Yes.
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00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,920
And I don't want a pub. I want a
pub and a shop and a butcher's.
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[soft rock music]
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[Jeremy] Our final pub of the tour
had good-sized outbuildings...
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- [Jeremy] Farm shop.
- [Lisa] Yes!
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[Jeremy] A garden with
well-aerated soil,
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00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,360
a great name,
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00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,320
and a brilliant car park.
178
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:10,160
Can you imagine having your
own personal traffic light?
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00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,960
There's a sensor on it, look.
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00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,120
I drive up...
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00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,640
"Oxfordshire, stop."
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00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,960
What? You think it'll think
the film crew's a car?
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Yes, it did!
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00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,360
[laughing]
185
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Look, every... the
lorry has stopped.
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00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:29,880
That's stopped.
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00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,480
Fucking hell, I want that.
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[upbeat music]
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[Jeremy] But then, we took
a tour of the interior.
190
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,680
[Jeremy] I mean, let's
be honest, it's hideous.
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00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,360
It is the ugliest
building in Oxfordshire.
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00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,560
[Lisa] There's so many
beautiful Cotswold pubs.
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00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,800
Why would we buy the ugliest
building in the county?
194
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,480
We could call it "The Ugly Pub".
195
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,320
[soft music]
196
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,760
[Jeremy] Back at the farm,
the continuing rain meant
197
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,440
we were confined to the
office, unable to plant.
198
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,520
[unintelligible
speaking on the phone]
199
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:21,000
[Jeremy] However, rain doesn't
stop pigs giving birth.
200
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,520
And that night, Swizz,
the pregnant sow,
201
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:29,440
showed signs that her
piglets were on the way.
202
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,080
[Harriet] Oh, my
gosh! Did you do that?
203
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,760
[squeaking]
204
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,960
All right, get on
and do your others.
205
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:40,960
Well done, mum!
206
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,720
[squeaking]
207
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,280
Aw...
208
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,160
Look at that little piglet.
209
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,600
[pig groaning]
210
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,680
So that one's on, but this
one's not yet discovered.
211
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,200
Come on, piggies.
212
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,840
Get some colostrum in
you and you won't shiver.
213
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,360
Look for it.
214
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,760
There's the teats,
right down here.
215
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,560
Can you get it in your mouth?
216
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:06,960
Are you on?
217
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,320
- [groaning]
- Yeah!
218
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:11,960
[Harriet] Good girl.
219
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,280
[soft music]
220
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,320
[Jeremy] By the time
Lisa and I arrived,
221
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,680
Swizz had pushed
out a total of nine.
222
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,000
[Jeremy] This is looking great.
223
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,960
So this pig has produced
25 piglets in a year.
224
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,080
- [Lisa] Amazing.
- [Jeremy] She's got a new name.
225
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,400
- [Jeremy] Not Swizz.
- [Lisa] Yes!
226
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,120
[Jeremy] So you
think that's the end?
227
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,920
- [Harriet] She might be done.
- [Lisa] The teats will only...
228
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,960
She'll only have so many full
teats to match the piglets.
229
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,480
So this isn't one, she's
not having that piglet.
230
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,680
She's not having that
piglet. She's had nine.
231
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,936
- [Lisa] Can they have an odd number?
- I don't know if that's how it works.
232
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,896
- [Jeremy] What?
- I don't think that's how it works.
233
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,720
- [Jeremy] What?
- I think they all fill up with milk.
234
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,096
I don't think they only fill...
235
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,120
if you've only got ten
piglets, only ten pop.
236
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,440
[Jeremy] No, I don't
think that's it. No, Lisa,
237
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,200
a pig doesn't just
fill up its breasts...
238
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,080
[Harriet] Due to how
many babies its having!
239
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,720
[Jeremy] What? Only nine of
her breasts will fill up...
240
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,040
- If she has nine babies.
- If she has nine babies.
241
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,040
[Lisa] Obviously.
242
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,200
Well, so say you had one baby,
did only one tit fill up?
243
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,656
[Lisa] It's not
the same, though.
244
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,496
- [Harriet and Jeremy chuckling]
- [Lisa] It's not the same.
245
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,480
[Lisa] So every single
piglet in her stomach
246
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,600
would have been
lying a certain way
247
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,240
and then all go to the
teat that corresponds
248
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,960
to the way they were
lying in the womb.
249
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,080
Lisa, you're talking
absolute nonsense.
250
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,400
When was the last time you gave
birth... to anything? Shut up.
251
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,000
[Harriet] Aw, they all look
so happy now, don't they?
252
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,160
[Jeremy] All suckling
253
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,280
and the mother lying on her side
and not squashing any of them.
254
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,096
- [Lisa] Nice one, Harriet.
- [Harriet] It's great, isn't it.
255
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,456
- I love it when the pigs give birth.
- [Harriet] It's the best part of farming.
256
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,600
[Jeremy] I just love it
when the pigs give birth.
257
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,200
- [Harriet] Isn't that perfect?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
258
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,480
[piglets squeaking softly]
259
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,480
[soft rock music]
260
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,280
[Jeremy] The next
day was a big one,
261
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,280
because after more
than two months away,
262
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,440
Lenny Henry was back.
263
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,520
[Kaleb] Hello, girls.
264
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,200
[mooing]
265
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,520
Looks like they've lost
a little bit of weight.
266
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,000
[mooing]
267
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,440
[Jeremy] You're back!
268
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,136
- You all right?
- [Jeremy] Who are you?
269
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,080
Good to see you. How'd it go?
270
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,360
Oh, yeah, it was good.
271
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,816
- Good to see you.
- Good to be back.
272
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,440
- Yeah, it was good. A helluva experience.
- I'll bet.
273
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:28,856
- Christ.
- It's been a long time.
274
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,320
I've seen so many different
farms. Onion farms.
275
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,240
Big cow farms.
It's been awesome.
276
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,256
- That's all you've seen?
- [Kaleb] And a goat farm.
277
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,920
- Goat farms?
- [Kaleb] I went to a place
278
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,520
near Wales which is like a
cliff farm. I say "cliff"...
279
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:44,080
They had sheep grazing on,
like, a cliff like that.
280
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,120
- [Kaleb] I was like, "Will they fall?"
- Yeah?
281
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,040
Weather's good.
282
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,600
- Hasn't stopped since you left.
- I know! It's bad!
283
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,160
- Hasn't stopped raining since you left.
- Some would said I timed it well, though.
284
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,080
But, it's like this.
Anyway, as you can see...
285
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,320
- I've managed.
- Yeah!
286
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,880
[Jeremy] Clean yard.
Spotless. Everything tidy.
287
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,536
Looks like a farmyard.
Looks good, doesn't it.
288
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,200
- Cows mucked out.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
289
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,160
[Jeremy] I bet you thought
it'd be all on fire
290
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,520
when you got back,
all the animals dead.
291
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,736
- Fire everywhere.
- No, 'cause I've been saying, actually,
292
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,360
everywhere I go, I've been
praising you up actually.
293
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,800
[Jeremy] One thing I'm
amazed you haven't noticed...
294
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,336
- [Kaleb] Yeah, so have you bought that?
- [Jeremy] No, it's on demo.
295
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,160
[Kaleb] Why?
296
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,296
The Lamborghini's been a bit
unreliable since you went.
297
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,840
Has it? What's happened?
298
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:25,400
- Everything.
- Really?
299
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,360
[Jeremy] Hmm.
300
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,440
I've had to get help.
301
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,320
- What's happened?
- I had to get someone to help me.
302
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,520
[Kaleb] What do you mean?
303
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,600
I'm confused.
304
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,360
You'll meet Harriet.
You'll like her.
305
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,600
Okay.
306
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,640
[soft music]
307
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,400
[Jeremy] Sensing that
Kaleb wasn't entirely happy
308
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,120
about me hiring someone else,
309
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,840
I decided he should meet
her as quickly as possible.
310
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,960
[Jeremy] So, where
we're going now...
311
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,920
Harriet's, where she's
drilled the barley.
312
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,600
- [Kaleb] Okay. She done a good job?
- Yeah.
313
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,840
[Charlie] So, it's all coming up. Look,
you can see the slugs have been...
314
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,281
- [Harriet] Hammering it.
- Hammering it all the way down.
315
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,960
[Jeremy] Right, now, that...
that's Harriet, all right?
316
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,120
[Kaleb] All right.
317
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,200
- [Jeremy] Now, be nice.
- [Kaleb] Mm-hmm.
318
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,960
[Jeremy] Behave. I'm not having
any of your Andy Cato nonsense.
319
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,040
This is going to be interesting.
320
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,720
[Jeremy] 'Cause he wants to encourage
young people to start farming...
321
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,680
but I don't think he wants
them to farm on this farm.
322
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,360
[chuckling]
323
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:38,840
[Kaleb] Hello.
324
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,160
- Lovely to meet you.
- [Harriet] Hello.
325
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,440
- You okay.
- Yeah, you?
326
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,096
- Oh, yeah, have you not met?
- No, not yet.
327
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,520
Harriet, Kaleb.
328
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,680
- Did you drill this?
- Yeah.
329
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,480
- Judgement here.
- [laughing]
330
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,880
Yeah, inspection.
331
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,360
Look, are you pleased?
332
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,280
- We've got barley germinating.
- Yeah.
333
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,880
Right, they've met,
look, they've met.
334
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,320
No actually fighting so far.
335
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,560
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- Slugs.
336
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,360
Slugs, Kaleb.
337
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,616
- [Jeremy] How are you, Harriet?
- Yeah, good.
338
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,760
[Harriet] Fert's on.
339
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,680
- [Jeremy] You got fert on?
- [Harriet] Yeah.
340
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,200
- [Kaleb] Did you put the right fert on?
- [Harriet laughing]
341
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,480
- [Jeremy] What have you found, Charlie?
- [Harriet] A slug.
342
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,320
[Charlie] This winter
has been really warm.
343
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,680
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Charlie] So we've got lots of slugs.
344
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,520
[Jeremy] And how many of
them are there in this field?
345
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:28,720
Millions.
346
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,120
- Millions?
- Yeah, there'll be millions of them.
347
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,080
What they do is they just strip
the leaf, they just eat the leaf.
348
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,040
- But, we have slug pellets.
- Yes.
349
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,280
[Jeremy] If you didn't put slug
pellets on, would that eat the barley?
350
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,880
We would not have any barley
if we hadn't put slug pellets.
351
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,600
- It would have all been eaten.
- None?
352
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,600
I once had to go to prison in
France because of a slug...
353
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,160
True story.
354
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,680
I went to a restaurant
called La Pomme d'Amour,
355
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,000
and there was a slug in my lettuce,
and the man was so apologetic.
356
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,200
He said, "You can drink as
much as you like on the house."
357
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,720
And I was only 19, so I
thought, "Well, I will, then."
358
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,080
And did.
359
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,800
And then, anyway, I was arrested a
bit later 'cause I was a bit wobbly.
360
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,520
And I was trying to
explain to the policeman
361
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,720
that I'd eaten a slug and the
man had given me a lot of drink.
362
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,000
But I couldn't think what
the French for "slug" was.
363
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,920
- [in French] L'escargot.
- So I said...
364
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,800
[in French] "Je mange un
escargot sans maison."
365
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,560
And they just thought, "This
man is properly paralytic."
366
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,256
- Definitely, yeah!
- And off I went to prison,
367
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,936
'cause I didn't know
the French for "slug".
368
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,840
- So did you get what he said?
- Nope.
369
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,680
[Charlie] "I've eaten a
snail without a house."
370
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,536
[Jeremy] You've lost your
sense of humour, haven't you?
371
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,160
No, I just don't speak French.
372
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,520
So why would that whole
conversation matter to me?
373
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,040
- Well, it was... slightly amusing.
- Yes, it was an amusing story.
374
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,400
- [Jeremy] So we've got to slug-pellet.
- [Charlie] We've gotta slug-pellet this.
375
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,520
Ultimately, we have got
a nice crop to work with.
376
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,520
Enough seeds here,
enough plants.
377
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,640
Well done!
378
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,360
[Charlie chuckles]
379
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,200
[Charlie] Right. Come on.
380
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,200
[soft music]
381
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:16,080
[Jeremy] Charlie then
showed Kaleb the GS4 fields.
382
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,920
Which went down well.
383
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:19,880
[Kaleb] It looks shitter here.
384
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,760
What a waste of a fucking
field planting GS4 in it.
385
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:27,200
I've got three fields that had GS4.
It doesn't feed any fucking cows.
386
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,920
There is literally no evidence
I've done anything in this field.
387
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,680
[Charlie] We're gonna
have to drill it again.
388
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,496
I'll rip it up and put some
spring wheat in it, if you want.
389
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,160
[Jeremy] No! We need cows.
390
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,496
- [Kaleb] Yeah, I know.
- For the pub, I've got to have cow food.
391
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,080
Yeah, I'm very aware of that.
392
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,160
- [Jeremy] What?
- But have you ever tried grazing GS4?
393
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:49,000
- [Jeremy] Well, do you know, let's think.
- No, you haven't.
394
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:52,960
[Charlie] Right, we done?
395
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,016
- [Harriet and Kaleb] Yeah.
- Do you want to look at anything else?
396
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,960
[Kaleb] No, I don't.
397
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:02,480
[Jeremy] Kaleb's inspection of
the main shed was equally joyful.
398
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,440
- [Kaleb] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, what?
399
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,320
Who orders Skyfall
wheat in 20-kg bags?
400
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,800
I admit that was a mistake.
401
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,280
[Kaleb] Why have you
got rye grass? Why?
402
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,680
Why is there so much
paint all over the drill?
403
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,920
Ah! I invented something.
404
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,640
- All right.
- That didn't quite work.
405
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,040
Where has the disc gone on
the back? Did you pick it up?
406
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,216
- You mean that one?
- Yeah.
407
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,640
Yeah, no, well, that was off,
you see. That was my invention.
408
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:27,760
No, it wasn't.
409
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,200
Go and find it.
410
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,640
I'll get Harriet onto
that straight away.
411
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,680
No, you do it.
412
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,760
- Put that in somewhere dry.
- Well...
413
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,256
Put it somewhere
dry. Not in here.
414
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,760
If moisture gets in, it'll
fuck it. Put it somewhere dry.
415
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,520
Can I just explain something to
you that I don't think you know.
416
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,720
- Go on.
- You've just come back off tour.
417
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,480
- Now, I know some rock stars.
- Mm-hmm?
418
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,280
[Jeremy] I won't say which band.
419
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,160
And after they
came back off tour,
420
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,640
when they were touring a lot,
they used to rent a house.
421
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,560
- Okay?
- Mmm.
422
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,560
Just the four or five
of them, for two weeks.
423
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,600
No staff. They had to make their
own meals, wipe their own bottoms,
424
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,720
clean up, load the dishwasher,
so that when they went home,
425
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,520
they were normal
human beings again.
426
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,960
You're such an arse.
427
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,416
You've had people
running around after you.
428
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,240
Such an arsehole.
429
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,416
- No, I haven't.
- "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
430
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,376
- No, I have not.
- "Would you like me to make your bed?"
431
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,456
- That's what you've had.
- You think that I've had that.
432
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,256
You're standing there
going, "You, put that back."
433
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,760
You said, "I'm such a good farmer."
What have you left it out there for?
434
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,440
Do you know what Blur
call what you've got?
435
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,840
- Oh, here we go. What is it?
- Cunt flu.
436
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,160
[Kaleb laughing]
437
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,360
- You come back off tour...
- You're such a twat!
438
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,336
"Oh, no, if you'd like to step this
way? Here, are your shoes all right?
439
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,600
Here, let me. Are you just
getting a bit wet, Kaleb?"
440
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,880
You've got to come back to the
real world. I know! I've toured!
441
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,840
I came back and I was...
[whispering] a cunt.
442
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,120
[whispering] You still are!
443
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,680
A cunt!
444
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,400
[Kaleb chuckling]
445
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,440
So, one thing I went on tour
for was to see the world...
446
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:59,200
[Jeremy] Mercifully, my tough-love
chat obviously did the trick,
447
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,960
as, the next day, Kaleb
began to bond with Harriet,
448
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,600
chatting away like one
young farmer to another.
449
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,976
- [Kaleb] Done all your courses now?
- [Harriet] Yeah.
450
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,896
- [Kaleb] How many have you had to do?
- [Harriet] Spraying, slug-pelleting.
451
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,640
- Tractor, telehandler, ATV.
- The fucking tractor test.
452
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,000
- The bloke didn't know anything.
- [Kaleb] I know.
453
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:21,000
[Jeremy] And we needed him
back on an even keel...
454
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,880
because, a day or so later,
over at the pig pens,
455
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,400
there was a bit of an issue.
456
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,840
[Jeremy] So, the first
time we had litters,
457
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,720
we lost 28%, remember? They
were all being squashed.
458
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,960
We put the pig rings in, and
that death rate fell to 13%.
459
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,416
- [Jeremy] Which was brilliant.
- [Kaleb] Really good.
460
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,360
This time, pig rings in,
would have been 8%...
461
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,560
Except for her.
462
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,760
[Lisa] Surprise!
463
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,160
- [Jeremy] She had 14 piglets.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
464
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,200
- She's squashed nine of them.
- [Lisa] No, she didn't!
465
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,840
So, that's back to 28% again.
466
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,200
We're exactly the same as where
we started because of her.
467
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,800
[Kaleb] Let's go back
into her history.
468
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,880
She's called Surprise
'cause she had three.
469
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,000
[Jeremy] The first time she gave birth
to five, squashed three, ate one of them.
470
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,080
The second time she
gave birth to 17,
471
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,640
but, if you remember,
472
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,200
you took some of those 17 and
distributed them amongst other mothers.
473
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,280
- Yeah, I left her with ten.
- Left her with ten.
474
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,760
So she squashed four of the ten.
475
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,160
This time, she's done
nine of the fourteen.
476
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,840
[Kaleb] So what are we gonna do?
477
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,600
[Jeremy] Well, I mean, this
is the debate we've got.
478
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,880
It's costing 750 pounds
a year to feed her.
479
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,080
[Kaleb] Yeah. And the
straw and the labour.
480
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,480
[Jeremy] Exactly.
And she's squashing
481
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,600
most of her children every time.
482
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:45,760
[piglet squeaking]
483
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,576
[Kaleb] Do you want my opinion,
then, as your farm manager?
484
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:48,400
[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
485
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,800
This is only her third litter.
486
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,240
So I would say, personally, go one more
time and try it on the fourth litter.
487
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,840
[Kaleb] And if she
does it again...
488
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,000
[Jeremy] Yeah, abattoir.
489
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,480
Basically, this pig was this
close to becoming sausages.
490
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,240
- Yeah.
- And then, along you came.
491
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,840
[Jeremy] Then, I moved on
to pig problem number two.
492
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,120
Dilwyn the vet had raised
the alarm after noticing
493
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,360
that the boar we'd rented
494
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,480
was bullying the three sows.
495
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,040
[squeaking and grunting]
496
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,320
I've had to come out three times
497
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,280
to see them being beaten up.
498
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,240
The first time there was one lame one,
so I gave her some anti-inflammatory.
499
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,240
The second time, the two of them
were actually off their legs.
500
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,776
- And that's just...
- What do you mean?
501
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,400
Basically, their back ends... They
couldn't lift their back ends.
502
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,720
[Jeremy] So he's...
a rough lover.
503
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,960
- Something along that line, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Is that why they're all hiding?
504
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,120
[Dilwyn] He stops them sometimes
coming out and going in.
505
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,480
He just stands by
the entrance there.
506
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,080
I've seen him actually chomping
at the metal. So he's just...
507
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,320
[Jeremy] He's eating metal?
508
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,120
[Dilwyn] Yeah. I wouldn't
trust him with us in the pen.
509
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,896
[Jeremy] Is he saying,
"Get out of my pen"?
510
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,440
Yeah, I think: "Leave
my harem alone."
511
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,600
So he's not 100%
safe to be around.
512
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
- But, er...
- [Jeremy] Well, can they hurt people?
513
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,680
Yeah. I mean, if he decided he didn't
like us, he could take a chunk out of us.
514
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,720
- What?
- [Dilwyn] Yeah, yeah, he could do.
515
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,560
- Really?
- [Dilwyn] Yeah, he could.
516
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,000
[Jeremy] Erm, he's looking at my
legs as though they're snacks.
517
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,376
[Dilwyn] Yeah. There
you go, look at him!
518
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,840
[Jeremy] He is, look, he's
pawing. He's like a Spanish bull.
519
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,760
Yeah, I'm not sure I wanna
look at him from where I am.
520
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:31,976
- [pig oinking]
- [Lisa] Hello!
521
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,840
[Jeremy] Look, he's
so violent at sex,
522
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,480
he's broken the house.
523
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,800
And I was just in there and
he was pawing the ground.
524
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,376
- [Lisa] Would they be up the duff by now?
- [Dilwyn] They should be, yeah.
525
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,240
[Lisa] So can we, in the next
couple of days, get rid of him?
526
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:45,856
[Dilwyn] I would get rid of
him sooner rather than later.
527
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:46,976
[Lisa] Sooner rather
than later? Okay.
528
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,680
- [Jeremy] He's just not a very nice pig.
- [Dilwyn] He's not, yeah.
529
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,240
I think we get rid of
Harvey Swinestein tomorrow.
530
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,000
"Harvey Swinestein"!
531
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,800
- [all laughing]
- He's gotta go.
532
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,176
- [Dilwyn] Yeah, very good!
- [Jeremy] "Harvey Swinestein"!
533
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,520
[soft acoustic music]
534
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:04,160
[Jeremy] The following day, I
returned with Kaleb and Harriet...
535
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,856
- [Jeremy] How are you?
- Good. How are you?
536
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,160
[Jeremy] To send the unruly
boar back to his owner.
537
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,480
[Jeremy] Right, Harvey
Swinestine is off.
538
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,720
- Harvey Swinestine?
- [Jeremy] Swinestein.
539
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,720
What's that? Who?
540
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,840
- [Kaleb] Is that the scientist?
- Oh, come on!
541
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,080
- No, I'm not having this.
- [Harriet] Singer?
542
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,200
Actor?
543
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,161
- Do you have a clue?
- The scien... I don't fucking know.
544
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,160
- [Harriet] Are you gonna tell us?
- It's a scientist!
545
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,760
- He's not a scientist.
- What is he, then?
546
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,640
He's a shocking human being.
547
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,760
[Jeremy] Right, come on.
548
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,400
[soft rock music]
549
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,320
Keep coming.
550
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,320
That'll do.
551
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,880
[pigs oinking]
552
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:49,896
[Kaleb] Are you coming in there?
553
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,640
- [Harriet] Are you coming in?
- I can't move around in that. I'm 63.
554
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,680
[Kaleb] Well, yes, you
are. We need you in here.
555
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,280
- [Jeremy] What for?
- [Kaleb] What?
556
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,936
- [Harriet] This is your pig!
- [Jeremy] Come on, get the pig in.
557
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,016
- [Kaleb] Can you please stand here?
- You need to hold these.
558
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,920
- I can't get in!
- [Harriet] Grrr!
559
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,240
[Kaleb] Don't bend the
posts over. Don't do that.
560
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,400
No, don't do that.
561
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,960
[Kaleb] Woah! What is going on?
562
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,080
- I can't get in.
- [Kaleb] Breathe in.
563
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,240
[Jeremy inhales]
564
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,360
Think skinny thoughts!
565
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,600
[Kaleb laughing]
566
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,761
- [Harriet] For God's sake!
- Can you get that hurdle quickly, Jeremy?
567
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,136
See what I mean? Put
the hurdle over there.
568
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,480
- And run him up that side?
- And run him this way.
569
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,080
But Jeremy can get the hurdle.
570
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:26,720
[Jeremy] What...
571
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,520
If I knew what a hurdle was, I'd
get it. What does he mean, "hurdle"?
572
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,520
- [Kaleb] Incoming.
- I can't... Oh, that.
573
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,936
- [Harriet] So he's coming this way?
- Yeah, ready?
574
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,440
Ready? It's going to
come out. Go on, buddy.
575
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,200
[Harriet] Come on,
Michael What's-His-Face.
576
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:41,776
- Come on, Jimmy Savile.
- "Michael"?
577
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,736
I know who Jimmy Savile is.
Can we not just say that?
578
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,400
No, 'cause it's
not the same thing.
579
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,720
- [Harriet] Why?
- [Jeremy] Jimmy Savile was kids.
580
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,640
- [Harriet] Ah...
- Yeah, but these are kids.
581
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:51,936
Yeah, these are only a year old.
582
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,896
- They're young ones.
- Jimmy Savile doesn't work.
583
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,880
Or a bit older than
a year, are they?
584
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,960
Come on, Hobbs.
585
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,160
[grunting]
586
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,280
[Harriet] He's so unbothered!
- Hold, hold, hold. That's it, just in.
587
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,760
All right, stand in
there, stand there.
588
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:07,960
[Harriet] Whoa!
589
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,240
[Jeremy] Right, what we've
got there is Red Rum.
590
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,960
[Jeremy] At this point, I
remembered that my knees hurt...
591
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,000
- [Jeremy groaning]
- [Kaleb] So, right, hold, hold.
592
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,280
[Jeremy] And that I was
paying everyone's wages.
593
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:26,880
So, I decided to leave the
youngsters to deal with Psycho Pig.
594
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,240
[Harriet] No!
595
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,440
[pigs squeaking]
596
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,720
[Jeremy groaning and chuckling]
597
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,976
- [Harriet] Come on!
- [Kaleb] Here he comes, here he comes.
598
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,960
- [pig squeaking]
- [Harriet] What's your plan, K?
599
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:39,680
Calm.
600
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,136
[Kaleb] Yes, yes, it
worked. Hold, hold.
601
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,720
Put that down. Hold. Right.
602
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,080
[pigs grunting]
603
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,880
[Kaleb] You're not
fucking getting off!
604
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,200
[Harriet screaming]
605
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,840
[Kaleb] Ogh! You'll
break my ribs, man!
606
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,160
- [pigs grunting]
- Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.
607
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,360
- You okay?
- Yeah.
608
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,440
[Kaleb] Pig board
down. Pig board down.
609
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,520
Come on.
610
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,040
This is just
fucking brute force.
611
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,360
[Harriet] Yes, yes!
612
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,640
Let them pigs go. Quickly.
613
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,120
[pigs squeaking]
614
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,720
[Kaleb] Oh, shit.
615
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,680
[Harriet] That was fun.
616
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,200
That board went, like,
straight into my, like, rib.
617
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:20,480
[Harriet] Not good.
618
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,480
I need a bag of peas.
619
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,400
- [Harriet] A bag of peas.
- Yeah. Cures everything.
620
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,920
[soft acoustic music]
621
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,400
[Jeremy] No one was upset
to see Harvey leave.
622
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,960
But it was now time for another
departure from Diddly Squat.
623
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,680
And that was a bit sad.
624
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,056
- [Harriet groans]
- [Jeremy] So this is it, you're off.
625
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,816
- I'm off.
- [Jeremy] You're off back to Derbyshire?
626
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:46,640
Yeah.
627
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,120
- Listen, you've been an absolute star.
- Thanks.
628
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,960
Thanks ever so much for
everything. Absolutely brilliant.
629
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,440
- Thanks.
- And best of luck.
630
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,160
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Erm...
631
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,536
And I'll send you pictures of
the barley when it's growing.
632
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,000
Yeah, if there's any fuck-ups,
don't send them to me.
633
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,520
No, I'm not. I'm not gonna tell Kaleb
either, that's the important thing.
634
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,976
- Erm, saved my life, you did.
- Any time.
635
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,120
- You were brilliant.
- Yeah.
636
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,480
So, listen, if we get stuck
again, can I give you a call?
637
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,360
Yeah.
638
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,080
- Just let me know.
- No, sorry, let me re-phrase that.
639
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:14,600
When we get stuck again.
640
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:15,600
Yeah, ooh.
641
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,016
- [Jeremy] All right.
- All right?
642
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:18,320
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Thanks!
643
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,280
I'll close "t'e" caravan door.
644
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,400
[in a Northern accent]
Close the caravan door.
645
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,760
- Your caravan now!
- Yeah.
646
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,080
When you and Lisa fall out,
she can come and live here.
647
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,400
I like your thinking. She
can come and live here.
648
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,600
- [Jeremy] I approve of that!
- [Harriet chuckles]
649
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,456
- You drive carefully, won't you?
- All right, yeah.
650
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,760
[Jeremy] All right, thanks.
651
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:39,320
[Jeremy] Bye!
652
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,480
Yeah, she's a
superstar, that one.
653
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,640
[soft rock music]
654
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,920
[Jeremy] Now that Kaleb was
back and fully in charge,
655
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,800
I could get back to
my hunt for a pub.
656
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,240
So, that is called
The Shaven Crown.
657
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,880
750 years old. It's
got a great hall in it.
658
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,720
It's got a beautiful courtyard
and a car park round the back.
659
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,880
And it is... for sale.
660
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:12,160
And so is the pub just on
that corner down there.
661
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,080
Two pubs, one village,
both for sale.
662
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,720
[Jeremy] Sadly, none of the pubs
I saw that morning were right,
663
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,320
for one reason or another.
664
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:27,120
And nor were the multitude
I saw that afternoon.
665
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,160
[soft rock music continues]
666
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,240
[Jeremy] If you were to make
this economically viable,
667
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,360
you'd need 80 or 100,
668
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,920
lunch and dinner, 7 days a week.
669
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:43,000
And that doesn't look like
the sort of village, to me,
670
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,920
that would welcome that
many people turning up.
671
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,840
And I don't wanna piss another
village off. I've done that.
672
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,680
[Jeremy] The sheer volume of
options was very depressing.
673
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,360
And that evening,
in my own local,
674
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:06,240
I started to realise what
effect this pub-cull will have.
675
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,800
And I was just thinking,
loneliness is becoming
676
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,640
a big issue in rural areas.
677
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:16,840
And part of the problem is:
678
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,000
villages are kind of
losing their souls.
679
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,480
You don't have a
village doctor any more,
680
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,640
he's in a health centre 30 miles away
and you can't get an appointment.
681
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,720
There's no village
bobby on the beat.
682
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,480
There's no village vicar.
There's no village shop.
683
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,320
There's no village school.
684
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:36,200
And if we end up at a point
where there's no village pub...
685
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:39,200
What is a village?
686
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,240
It's just some houses.
687
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,000
The pub's the hub.
688
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,640
And it should always
be that way...
689
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,560
said the man sitting
at a table for one.
690
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:55,720
[chuckling]
691
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,680
[soft acoustic music]
692
00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:04,800
{\an8}[Jeremy] We were now just ten days
from the durum wheat planting deadline,
693
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,720
and it was still raining.
694
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,160
But Charlie had at least found
a way to make some profit
695
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,800
from our waterlogged ground.
696
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,560
There's been an explosion of
demand for English willow,
697
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,560
to supply the appetite of
Indian Premier League cricket.
698
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:29,000
And what they really
want is British willow.
699
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,200
Obviously I don't want to be growing
cricket bats 'cause I loathe cricket.
700
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:33,920
[Charlie] Well, I
know. That's, er...
701
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,560
[Jeremy] But it could be worse,
it could be growing golf clubs.
702
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,640
[Jeremy] Anyway, so, I buy
the trees, is that right?
703
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,480
[Charlie] We pay a small price
to have the trees planted,
704
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:45,200
and then they're managed,
705
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:49,640
these guys pop out three times a year
to just clear all the growth off them,
706
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,520
and then 12, 15 years later,
they'll come and harvest them.
707
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,680
[Jeremy] 15 years?
708
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:56,080
15 years, yes.
709
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,360
[Jeremy] This incredibly
long-term business plan
710
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,040
was the brainchild
of a man called Josh.
711
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,176
- Hello, Charlie. How're you doing?
- Are you all right?
712
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:06,560
Good, good.
713
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:07,600
[Jeremy] These are the trees?
714
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,240
[Josh] I need you to carry the deer
guards or the planting device here.
715
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,400
[Jeremy] No, come
here! Dogs! Here!
716
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,000
- Come here! Sorry, Josh.
- [Josh] That's okay.
717
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:18,680
[Jeremy] Sansa, sit.
718
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,360
Sansa, sit.
719
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,640
No, not "shit", sit.
720
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:23,880
Sansa!
721
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:26,880
Fucking hell. They're
worse than ever.
722
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,240
[Jeremy] So, how old
did you say those were?
723
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,840
- [Josh] So they're four years oldish.
- [Jeremy] Four years?
724
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,560
[Jeremy] You do realise this
area you've chosen is a swamp.
725
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:37,720
[Josh] That's perfect.
726
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,000
- [Jeremy] Really?
- That's the idea.
727
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:42,680
- Basically, that land is underutilised.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
728
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,856
- [Josh] So it's not earning you money.
- [Jeremy] No.
729
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,840
- [Josh] It's about to.
- [Jeremy] So, hold on.
730
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,880
- Can you talk me through the finances?
- Yeah.
731
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,960
Because I pay you
how much for a tree?
732
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,840
So, 20 pounds for the tree and
the guard, 15 on top for those.
733
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:57,400
[Charlie] So, 35 pounds.
734
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,296
- [Jeremy] 35 pounds...
- [Josh] It's planted.
735
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,080
- [Jeremy] We harvest them in 15 years?
- [Josh] 15 to 20.
736
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,200
So, at the other end,
when they're ready,
737
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:06,600
in today's prices,
they're worth 700 pounds.
738
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,320
And there's a
dozen. So that's...
739
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,080
8,200 pounds.
740
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,600
So we get 8,000 back.
But I will be...
741
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:16,640
- 8,400.
- 84 years old...
742
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,680
By which I mean I'll have
been dead for ten years.
743
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,856
[Charlie] We've got some willows.
Could we use those for cricket bats?
744
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:26,056
[Josh] There is a chance that
it's not quite the right willow.
745
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,520
Who's lopped that one down? Is
that something to do with you?
746
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:29,880
I've done it.
747
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:31,776
Why have you cut a
bloody great willow down?
748
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,440
- There's a footpath running next to it.
- Yeah?
749
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,040
It was sort of leaning over the footpath
and there were bits splitting off it.
750
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:39,696
[Charlie] And rather
than land on somebody...
751
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:41,600
- I thought that was an ash.
- [Charlie] No, no.
752
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,920
Oh, that's to save a rambler's
life, you've killed a tree.
753
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:46,920
Yes.
754
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,416
[Charlie] And now
the council's...
755
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,640
I've got into trouble with them 'cause
I've made a mess of the footpath.
756
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,336
- Who said that?
- [Charlie] I got a letter from the c...
757
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:57,880
"Dear... Mr. Clarkson,
you've made a mess of the..."
758
00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,616
You mean I've had a
letter from the council.
759
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,120
- [Charlie] Yeah, but they sent it to me.
- From which council?
760
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:03,920
Our favourite council.
761
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,000
[Jeremy] Anyway. Erm...
762
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,800
How many cricket bats, then,
do you get from a tree?
763
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,880
[Josh] We work to
an average of 35.
764
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:15,440
[Charlie] And how much
do they sell those for?
765
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:17,816
A cricket bat can go for about
900 pounds in some places.
766
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:18,840
What?
767
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,840
Who's going to pay 900
pounds for a cricket bat?
768
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,776
It's a lot. It's in high
demand at the moment,
769
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:27,680
thanks to, you know, America, India,
Pakistan, players being paid millions.
770
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,160
And it's always English willow?
771
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:31,760
It's the best. We have
the best climate for it.
772
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,560
- Okay. Let's get them in the ground.
- Right.
773
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,720
[soft acoustic music]
774
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,160
[Jeremy groaning]
775
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:39,400
Here I go.
776
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,480
- [Jeremy] Ready?
- [Josh] Yeah, go on.
777
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:44,680
[Josh] There you go. Now
give it a real good wiggle.
778
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:47,680
[Charlie] Heel it in.
779
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:51,440
- And that's it? You're happy?
- Done.
780
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:56,000
[Jeremy] The planting of these
weird rootless cricket trees
781
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,280
was not without complications.
782
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:00,400
Ooh, my God! Jesus Christ!
783
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,600
[Jeremy] Are you
actually sinking there?
784
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,120
Look, I mean, honestly,
that's just... Ha!
785
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:10,040
[Jeremy] And so, when we were in
danger of losing valuable cameramen...
786
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:13,040
- [Charlie] Ben, grab me.
- [Ben] I'll get my boot out.
787
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:19,120
[Jeremy] We decided to beat a
brave retreat and leave Josh to it.
788
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,480
[Jeremy] Sansa, Arya!
789
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:24,080
Dogs?
790
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:27,040
Sansa, Arya!
791
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,600
That's the last time
I'm bringing them out.
792
00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,360
[soft rock music]
793
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,800
[Jeremy] Two days later, with
the heavens still firmly open,
794
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,080
I went back to the boozer
795
00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:45,360
with Kaleb and various
other local farmers
796
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:49,960
to discuss just how much this
wet weather was killing us.
797
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,200
[chatter]
798
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,320
I thought it was December the 8th
it started raining. But I think...
799
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,960
- 18th of October.
- Was it the 18th of October?
800
00:35:58,120 --> 00:35:59,520
- And then...
- That was it.
801
00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:01,200
[Jeremy] And we
haven't really had...
802
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,136
[farmer] No, we haven't
turned a wheel properly.
803
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:04,816
Oh, I've never known anything
like this. This is biblical.
804
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,480
Because we've had no
cold weather either.
805
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:08,760
Normally, you'd get a week
of really heavy frosts,
806
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,720
it kind of draws the
moisture out of the soil,
807
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,600
and you'll get a
dry time afterwards.
808
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,400
It's just been mild
and wet continuously.
809
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,880
The winter crops that went in last
autumn are suffering on heavier land
810
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:20,560
because they're just
sitting in water.
811
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,920
They're turning yellow and
they're drowning in the field.
812
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,760
That's what it said in one of the
reports I was reading this morning.
813
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:30,160
There's a number of farmers who just
don't think they'll have a harvest.
814
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:31,560
No, no.
815
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,480
We've got, well, about 2,500 acres
of spring crops to try and get in,
816
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:39,360
spring barley, in the
next ten days, two weeks.
817
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,760
So if this rain doesn't
stop in the next two weeks,
818
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,560
we'll have 2,000 acres of...
819
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:46,600
- Nothing.
- [farmer] Bare fields.
820
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:48,336
- Probably the same, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Same?
821
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:50,440
- [farmer] Yeah.
- For the first time...
822
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,760
Apparently, the second-hand
combine market, is flooded...
823
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,960
Pardon the pun. But it is.
824
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,000
People are selling
their combines
825
00:36:58,160 --> 00:36:59,736
because they're not gonna
have anything to cut.
826
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,320
But I have been thinking, the risk
and the stress and all of the worry
827
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,920
about the weather and
the prices and so on,
828
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:08,320
is it not just easier to say,
829
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:13,040
"Sod it, I'll put the entire farm
into a Sustainable Farming Incentive,
830
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:14,640
SFI, scheme, government scheme?"
831
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,760
That is exactly where
we were a month ago.
832
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:21,120
With the scheme, we've got an agreed
price that we're all gonna get
833
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:24,960
from a crop that's not
being used for human food,
834
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,921
but we know where we're going, we
know where the income's coming from.
835
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:29,760
- Yeah.
- You can keep your bills being paid.
836
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:33,000
To keep going. 75% of
our farm is going into...
837
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:34,600
- [Jeremy] Schemes.
- Yeah, a scheme.
838
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:36,280
- What are we? 10?
- Yeah.
839
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:37,936
- [Jeremy] 10 or 15.
- [Kaleb] Yeah, 10%.
840
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,640
[farmer] We're
only probably 10%.
841
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,920
But that means if
10% of the land
842
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,840
is being taken out of
food production this year,
843
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,200
and we've got this weather...
844
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,320
Yeah, it's how much is
actually gonna be left fallow.
845
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,200
I mean, there's going to be a
shortage of wheat and barley.
846
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:53,440
- There is.
- Yeah.
847
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,080
[Jeremy] And ultimately,
people have to eat.
848
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:57,320
Exactly.
849
00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:58,920
Indeed.
850
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,240
[soft music]
851
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:08,640
{\an8}[Jeremy] Seven days before
Charlie's planting deadline,
852
00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:12,160
{\an8}the rain finally stopped.
853
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:16,920
But, the fields were still far
too wet to plant anything in them.
854
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:20,640
So I went off to wade through
a backlog of paperwork.
855
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,600
[Jeremy softly] God Almighty.
856
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:28,400
[Jeremy] And that's when Charlie
called, from a hundred years ago.
857
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,800
[Charlie on the phone] Erm, I've
been thinking about cultivations
858
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,040
before we drill this durum.
859
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:38,360
And I think that we
should plough it.
860
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:40,080
What?
861
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,840
Hang on, sorry. I thought
people hadn't ploughed the soils
862
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:46,280
since about 1926.
863
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,280
[Charlie on the phone] No, it
still has a useful place...
864
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:52,120
[Jeremy] Charlie explained that
ploughing would kill the weeds
865
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:54,040
without using chemicals,
866
00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:58,720
and, crucially, help dry
out the soil more quickly.
867
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,120
[Charlie on the phone] I think
we'll also get the durum wheat in
868
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:05,160
in a more timely fashion
between these sort of showers,
869
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:06,360
rain events.
870
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,640
I'm just thinking it's
probably what's required.
871
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,160
- Right, so, ploughing.
- [Charlie on the phone] Ploughing.
872
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,840
[soft acoustic music]
873
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,200
[Jeremy] Not knowing
anything about ploughing,
874
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,520
I immediately rented the
biggest one I could find.
875
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:21,840
And that was great...
876
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:28,240
but it came with an instruction
manual written in gibberish.
877
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:32,720
"Calculation of minimum
ballasting value at front,
878
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,360
GV min,
879
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:36,240
for rear-mounting implement.
880
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:41,360
GV min equals GHX, bracket,
C plus D, brackets,
881
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,560
dash TVXB plus.
882
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:50,520
If the distance between the tractor's
rear wheels is not to be altered,
883
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:54,160
it is additionally possible
to reduce the side pull
884
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:56,200
by laterally adjusting
the three-point..."
885
00:39:56,800 --> 00:40:00,040
[Jeremy] Thankfully, at this
moment, the farm manager arrived.
886
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:03,336
- All right?
- [Jeremy] Are you all right, mate?
887
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,000
- Yeah, not bad. You?
- [Jeremy] I've got a plough.
888
00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:07,600
Charlie says we've gotta plough.
889
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:09,680
I've been speaking to
Charlie about the ploughing
890
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:11,536
but I didn't know he was gonna
get this big of a plough.
891
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,680
- [Jeremy] No, I got that.
- [Kaleb] I kinda gathered that!
892
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,320
- Why...
- I can't understand the instruction book.
893
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,216
When have you ever read
the instruction book?
894
00:40:19,240 --> 00:40:20,640
Well, no, I know.
895
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:26,440
[Jeremy] Kaleb conceded the
instruction manual was nonsense.
896
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:27,760
What?
897
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:31,280
[Jeremy] So, he offered
to give me a hand.
898
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:36,120
I've got a vast range of new
warning symbols on the dashboard.
899
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:39,040
[Kaleb] Well done!
900
00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:40,920
Right, now it's your hoses.
901
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,640
[Kaleb] Can you float
them all for me?
902
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:45,600
- [Jeremy] What?
- Put them into Float.
903
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:47,760
What do you mean, "put
them in the float"?
904
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,496
- I don't know what you...
- Have you put them into Float?
905
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:50,840
I don't know what that means!
906
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,600
Oh, God...
907
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:55,536
These are your
hydraulic spools, yeah?
908
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,280
To float them, there's
a button on the back.
909
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,120
Yeah.
910
00:40:58,320 --> 00:40:59,496
[Kaleb] Pull that button
in and hit that one.
911
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,640
It makes it easier, then
every pipe will go in easy.
912
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,280
To say this is the
colour of that...
913
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:05,440
G-Dog!
914
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:06,560
[Gerald] Yeah!
915
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,160
[Jeremy] He's making even less
sense than you at the minute.
916
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:14,320
I've got a spade in the back of my
van! He's getting there big time!
917
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,616
[Gerald] When you've had one, you're
always subject to the second one.
918
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:19,400
It's like digging your garden.
919
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,360
Yeah, that tractor will romp
along with that all right,
920
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:23,640
don't worry about that.
921
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:25,920
- Yes.
- [Gerald] Oh, yeah!
922
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,600
[Gerald] He's gotta cut that
out, he has! What's up then?
923
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:30,720
- [Gerald chuckles]
- [Jeremy] Can you remember
924
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:32,840
when the last time anyone
ploughed this farm was?
925
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:35,480
I can remember
when that happened.
926
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:36,640
[speaks indistinctly]
927
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,760
[Gerald] Gazza was
playing for Newcastle,
928
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:42,200
instead of doing what
he does half the time.
929
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:44,680
- Yeah.
- [Gerald] When you've got a clear thing,
930
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:46,160
you can do anything with it.
931
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:49,720
It's never been ploughed with an
eight-furrow before up there anyway.
932
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,520
What's up there, now?
933
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:55,760
[soft rock music]
934
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:57,760
[Jeremy] With the plough
attached to the Lambo,
935
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,080
we headed off to the
fields to start work.
936
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,000
[Kaleb] Bottom
left. Now press it.
937
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,200
[Jeremy] God, there's some
engineering in that thing.
938
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,160
[Kaleb] Amazing!
939
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,480
[Jeremy] How much do you
reckon that weighs? Five tons?
940
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:20,640
[Kaleb] Four ton? Yeah.
941
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,440
[Jeremy] And it's gonna be
six inches into the earth.
942
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,360
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] That is called a land anchor.
943
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:27,320
[Kaleb] Yeah.
944
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:29,760
Now you're gonna see what
a powerful tractor can do.
945
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,600
[Jeremy laughs] Here we go.
946
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,920
Hand throttle engaged.
947
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:38,040
You're about to see,
for the first time,
948
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:41,600
the true power of
the Lamborghini.
949
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,080
[engine roaring]
950
00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:45,400
[Jeremy] I'm ploughing!
951
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,840
Unbelievably wet field.
952
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:51,800
[Jeremy] Yes!
953
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:53,440
No!
954
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:56,480
[Kaleb] I don't think he has a
fucking clue what he's doing.
955
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,040
We may have some wheelspin here.
956
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,960
Kaleb, we've got a
little bit of wheelspin.
957
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,000
[Kaleb] So if I was you,
lift it out the ground.
958
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,080
Try and get out of this wet bit.
959
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:15,760
[Jeremy] Ready? Here we go.
960
00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:20,600
[chuckling]
961
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:24,560
Barely noticing its workload.
962
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:26,480
[Kaleb] Drop the plough down!
963
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:28,360
Drop it down!
964
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,400
Unbelievable. You're
only skimming the top.
965
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,760
What you normally do to get
rid of the weeds in a field
966
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,080
is you use weed killer.
967
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:43,840
But that puts chemicals into
the soil. Nobody wants that.
968
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,320
If you plough, you
turn the soil over
969
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:50,840
so that the weeds are
deprived of light and oxygen
970
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:52,040
and then they die.
971
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,880
So you'd think,
"Great, do ploughing."
972
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:59,840
But if you turn the soil over,
you're releasing the carbon
973
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,280
and then that goes up into the sky and
then Greta Thunberg has a paddy fit.
974
00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,720
This is farming. It's the
constant game of Whack-a-mole.
975
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,760
You solve one problem
and create another.
976
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:15,240
Do you want me to
produce food for you?
977
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:16,440
Yes.
978
00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:19,600
So, do you want me to
hurt the sky or the soil?
979
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:21,240
Those are your choices.
980
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,480
[Jeremy] When I reached
the end of my first run,
981
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:27,640
Kaleb pointed out
that, actually,
982
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:31,320
I hadn't hurt the
sky or the soil.
983
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:34,680
[Kaleb] That is the shittest bit of
ploughing I've ever seen in my life.
984
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,200
Well, how could I have
done it any differently?
985
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,200
[Kaleb] Drop it in the ground.
Look, you're only skimming the top.
986
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,360
[Jeremy] Obviously, I'd
been incompetent again.
987
00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:47,560
But, Kaleb reckoned that
because the soil was so wet,
988
00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:50,400
we were on a hiding
to nothing anyway.
989
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,120
[Kaleb] I think it's
way too wet, mate.
990
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:55,400
That tractor's trying to pull all
them eight furrows, that's an anchor.
991
00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:57,400
- Yes?
- I said, it's a land anchor.
992
00:44:57,560 --> 00:44:59,280
Yeah, through the soil.
993
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,480
- Yes.
- So it needs much more traction.
994
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:04,400
Yes, which luckily I've got
'cause I've got new tyres on it.
995
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,960
- Yes, you have, but...
- 270 horsepower.
996
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:07,920
But...
997
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,160
This is what it was built
to do, would you not agree?
998
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:12,960
[soft rock music]
999
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:16,880
[Jeremy] Desperate to prove that
my old friend would save the day,
1000
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,280
I went for another run.
1001
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:22,520
Sinking plough.
1002
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,280
[Jeremy] Plough. That's good.
1003
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:28,880
[Jeremy] Right, here we go.
1004
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:31,480
Building up revs.
1005
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,720
[Jeremy] Come on,
mighty Lamborghini.
1006
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,080
God, I've got some wheelspin.
1007
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,080
A lot of wheelspin.
1008
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:44,080
Come on, you can do it. Come on!
1009
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:45,840
Come on.
1010
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:50,480
[Jeremy] But, with the enormous
plough actually in the soil,
1011
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,800
I was going nowhere.
1012
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:55,680
It does not like this bit.
1013
00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:58,400
[Jeremy] No, no, no.
1014
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:00,920
[whirring]
1015
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:04,320
Whoa!
1016
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,880
[Jeremy] We are struggling here.
1017
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,000
I think it's probably too wet.
1018
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:12,560
Shit.
1019
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,960
[Jeremy] Drying this field with a
plough, then, had not worked out.
1020
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:21,400
It had simply been too big a job
1021
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:25,280
for even my wonderful old Lambo.
1022
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:27,400
[engine whirring]
1023
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:35,160
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
though, my new tractor arrived.
1024
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:39,200
[Jeremy] So, I got it down to Fendt,
New Holland, with the levers in it,
1025
00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:40,160
and the Case.
1026
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:41,320
[Kaleb] Yeah.
1027
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:44,760
Ta-da!
1028
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:47,600
Ha-ha! Check it out!
1029
00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:49,640
Check it out!
1030
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:52,640
[Jeremy] It's a
Lamborghini again!
1031
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:03,120
[Jeremy] Our quest is
at an end, isn't it?
1032
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,240
[Charlie] So you just went
out and bought this...
1033
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:06,616
- [Charlie] How many hours has it done?
- 500.
1034
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:08,880
- [Kaleb] 3,000.
- I meant 3,000.
1035
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:10,160
[Jeremy] But hang on, look.
1036
00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:13,320
- [Lisa gasping] That's so tiny!
- [Jeremy] Really tiny.
1037
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:15,040
[Jeremy] It's the perfect site.
1038
00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:18,360
- I can see that.
- But now this bloody picnic site.
1039
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:21,560
[rock music]
84454
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