Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

I'm going to the market. Can you look after the kids?

I'm on it.

And don't just plop them in front of the TV,

eat Twinkies, and take a nap.

- Homer, we're bored. - We need something to do.

Plop them in front of the TV, eat Twinkies, take a nap,

maybe catch up on your drinking.

[Homer] Hmm!

- I wanna watch a show about bulldozers. - But it should have unicorns in it.

Right. Bulldozers crushing unicorns.

[Bart, Lisa grunting]

[Krusty chuckles]

- Sweaty ugly clown. - Sweaty ugly clown.

Hey, hey, kids.

It's time for Itchy and Scratchy.

[cheering]

♪ They fight, and bite They fight and bite and fight ♪

This cartoon is called Itchy and Scratchy?

- Yeah, it's named after your butt. - Whoa. Nice one.

Today's show is brought to you by the letter F,

which stands for fire.

Mmm!

And the number eight,

as in Scratchy "ate" a pie with a bomb in it.

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪

[laughing]

That was awesome!

Let's watch this show together every day forever.

- Twinkie promise. - Twinkie promise.

[♪ instrumental rock music playing]

[Scratchy groans]

[Scratchy sighs]

- [electricity crackles] - [screams]

[♪ fanfare plays]

[pants, chuckles]

[Scratchy screams]

[Itchy chuckles, grunts]

[anthemically] ♪ They fight, and bite They fight and bite and fight ♪

♪ Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite ♪

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪

I've got something to show you.

It's your little sister in her new Itchy and Scratchy ensemble.

[both yelp]

They make Itchy and Scratchy clothes for babies now?

And not just clothes.

They've got toys, rattles, binkies, and even a potty.

[Bart and Lisa groan]

[both panting]

- Itchy and Scratchy is for babies! - Itchy and Scratchy is for babies!

- Babies! - Babies!

[all clamoring]

[all cheering]

[whistling]

Oh...

Why aren't you watching Itchy and Scratchy with Bart?

Because that show is completely uncool.

Right now, my friends and I are binging this show

from the golden age of television, 2013.

Ah, Schultz, you got a dog?

[singsongy] Cute.

I just borrowed him... [chuckles] ...to meet ladies.

Ow! My finger quote fingers.

I am in "terrible pain."

♪ Sometimes a horndog gets bit by a real dog ♪

♪ La-la-la, la, la-la-la La-la ♪

[Lisa chuckles]

She made it okay for cute girls to be pretty.

Okay. But isn't there something else you could do with your brother?

Interesting idea.

I'll circle back with my team and let you know.

That always means no.

And what television program are you watching?

[all yelping]

- [Marge shrieks] - Obviously, the jokes are great,

but what I love is the storytelling.

All right, maybe that's something you could enjoy with Lisa?

Marge, what Lisa and I had was so special, but we've both moved on.

On your way out, do me a favor and drop this in the garbage.

- You're a doll. - Hmm.

[television program resumes]

[grumbles] I knew my kids were growing up, but I never thought they'd grow apart.

And I think I'm the only one who cares.

[♪ melancholy piano playing]

- We care, Marge. - We care, Marge.

♪ When Bart and Lisa loved us ♪

♪ Things were just so beautiful ♪

♪ Blood would flow But also, so would love ♪

♪ They'd laugh at all our violence ♪

♪ And horrors quite unsuitable for children ♪

♪ As guts rained from above ♪

♪ But then one day Things weren't the same ♪

♪ Babies loved us, we were lame ♪

♪ Used to spend so much time with each other ♪

♪ And now they barely seem like sister-brother ♪

♪ And it breaks the heart of their sweet loving mother ♪

♪ Now that Bart and Lisa don't ♪

♪ Love us ♪

Have you noticed that Bart and Lisa don't hang out these days?

They barely even speak anymore.

Yeah, but if I may pose a counterargument.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

I don't want Bart and Lisa to be the kind of siblings

who stop speaking and drift apart.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

We don't want them to end up

like Sweet Johnson and CJ Johnson in Grand Theft Auto.

I've never played that game.

[chuckles] Marge, when you grow up in Los Santos,

and Big Smoke needs you to move that powder,

the game has a way of playing you.

[♪ instrumental funk theme playing]

[♪ instrumental funk theme continues on TV]

[Homer grunting]

Kids. Kids, can I talk to you for a second?

Your father and I won't be around forever.

When you get older, you'll need to lean on each other.

Whatever you do, don't drift apart.

You share a journey with your siblings that no one else will ever understand.

You must never, ever, ever take that for granted.

If you're telling us all this, who's flipping the pancakes? [groans]

Mom, we get what you're saying, I think, and I promise we'll keep it in mind.

♪ But they didn't heed Marge They drifted apart ♪

♪ Lisa conquered the world And poor Bart remained Bart ♪

♪ Their relationship died with no one to grieve it ♪

♪ 'Cause Marge passed before Homer If you can believe it ♪

♪ So sad ♪

♪ So sad ♪

♪ So sad ♪

[Homer sobs]

Lisa Simpson, thank you so much for sitting down with She-E-O Magazine.

You're the youngest commissioner

in the history of the Women's Professional Basketball League,

which is now called the NBA,

and now dwarfs the popularity of the men's league,

now called the MNBA.

What's the secret to your success?

Well, here at the NBA, formerly the WNBA,

we like to follow what my late mother taught me.

You do well by doing good.

I'm especially proud

that all my support staff are former players.

[Eastern European accent] Ms. Simpson, a reminder that you are due

to speak at your old school tomorrow.

Oh, and your brother Bart sent you a fax.

Funny how technology hasn't moved forward in 35 years.

If anything, it's gone backwards. What did Bart say?

"Dude, you forgot to send me the check for Dad's retirement home.

Oh, wait. I found it in a drawer with my weed.

- Good thing I didn't smoke it." - [Lisa groans]

"Ha-ha. Peace."

- I didn't know you had a brother. - We're really not that close.

I paid for him to go to air conditioning school,

but he dropped out because he couldn't get into the frat he wanted.

I guess this wasn't such a bad place to grow up.

Okay, Barney doesn't look so bad, all things considered.

- Oh, my God. That's Nelson. - Ha-ha!

My life took a tragic turn. [groans]

[Lisa] Well, at least Dad's safe at the Retirement Castle.

Ooh, if I hurry, I can see him before 3:00 p.m. dinner.

I'm sorry, no visitors today.

All the seniors are on a field trip to the hard candy museum.

Well... [sighs] ...I'm disappointed I can't see my dad,

but also kind of relieved.

You can relate, right?

Oh, of course. I'm also a horrible person.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go change 200 bedpans for minimum wage.

So I've got an hour to kill before my speech.

Ooh! Maybe I'll drive by my childhood home and get choked up

about how grateful I am not to live there anymore.

[♪ "Da' Butt" playing distantly]

What is that music?

[glass clatters]

[Homer laughing, grunting]

[♪ "Da' Butt" continues]

Dad, what is going on here?

- Oh, crap. - [♪ music stops]

Please be a hallucination from the mushrooms.

Bart, what is going on here?

And why isn't Dad in the retirement home?

Oh. I haven't lived there for three years.

D'oh!

Wait, I've been sending you the money for that place.

What else have you been lying about?

Who's ready for an exotic dancer?

I wanted a stripper.

Hold on. I just talked to you at the Retirement Castle.

You're not a real nurse at all.

Yes, I am.

I nurse part-time to put myself through stripping school.

See? I'm helping young women achieve their dreams.

So you're running an unlicensed retirement home

and throwing parties with the money I've been sending you.

Would you stop doing that?

And you paid off that nurse/stripper to keep me from finding out.

Great news, Bart.

I got Lenny and Carl's families to have their social security checks

sent directly to us.

Ka-ching!

Lisa Simpson! Whassup?

Get out.

All right!

Okay, I've told a few fibs, but since when is fraud a crime?

Look, I'm good at taking care of these guys.

- I'm super organized-- - Organized?

Look at your keys.

Hmm. What about 'em? This is my command center.

[tires screech]

[thudding]

[Lisa gasps]

Car drive Lenny crash good.

[groans] My car.

I need to get to my speech at Springfield Elementary.

In my defense--

In your defense, you're a failure as a brother, a son, a human being,

and given your shocking level of irresponsibility,

probably a father!

Nobody gets pregnant from the kind of sex I have.

[retches]

[panting] Yes, my dad's name is Homer Simpson,

and he lives at 742 Evergreen Terrace.

And now, the greatest person to ever come out of Springfield,

my personal hero, Lisa Simpson.

[applause]

Thank you, Amber.

Today, I wanna tell you that if you work really hard

and dream really big, you can become whatever you wanna be.

But I don't have the energy to lie like that today,

because I am so mad at my failure of a brother, Bart.

Just when I think I'm numb to his punches,

he starts kicking, kicking me in the shins of my soul.

[murmuring]

[chuckling] Okay. Let's all hear it for Lisa Simpson.

[grunting] No. No. How dare you interrupt my onstage breakdown?

[screams]

Goodbye, Lisa.

And if you're ever back in town, by all means, don't call us again.

Just pretend it's a Tribble,

and you wanna hit it out of the starship through the air chute.

Ah.

[all chuckling, whooping]

[chuckles]

Lisa. Do you wanna come play with us?

No, I really don't want to.

I'll let you play your "saxomaphone" at the dinner table.

Hmm.

- [cheering] - [Carl] Way to go.

Huh!

- Yeah! - Huh! Huh!

- [Lisa] Hmm. - Guys, guys, guys. Lenny's gone.

- Mentally? - Yes, but also gone, gone.

Oh, God. I knew I should have put a bell on his suspenders.

- Lenny! - Mr. Leonard!

Carl's friend!

There he is.

Hey there, Lenny. What you doing?

Oh. What's it look like I'm doing? I'm sitting at Moe's having a beer.

[grunts]

But, Lenny, Moe's is down here.

And this frosty beer has your name on it.

Oh, boy. [grunting]

Okay, that was kind of impressive.

I guess you sort of care about these guys,

even if you are exploiting and defrauding them.

Oh, shut up!

All you do is sit in your big-city office and send checks,

while I'm here doing the heavy lifting,

by which I mean putting Dad on the toilet six times a day.

Ew!

Even worse is getting him off that thing.

You need a two-by-four to break the suction.

Ah! Stop it!

- Uh... - They took him. They took our friend.

Bring back our friend.

What happened?

Men in a van abducted Homer.

And they left this.

It's from Senior Protective Services.

"Homer J. Simpson has been placed in our custody

due to a complaint from Lisa Simpson."

- [♪ dramatic music plays] - I just...

[stammers] I mean, I never thought...

In my defense...

Oh, boy.

We had a good thing goin' here, but you just had to come and Lisa it up.

I didn't know Senior Services would take Dad away.

I called them when I thought you were horrible at this,

and not just occasionally good but still problematic.

You wanna hear something really problem? We may never see our father again.

And he was doing way better here than at the retirement home.

All these guys are.

Yeah, Bart treats us with Dignity and Empathy.

Those are the two other strippers who drop by sometimes.

Okay, but you still stole from these guys and from me.

I only took the money required for their needs.

[garage door rattles]

A Camaro?

I wanted to get an electric bike, but the guys insisted.

- He lets us wax it. - It is as red as the planet Arrakis.

Dune reference!

Bart drives us around till we fall asleep.

[groans]

Yes, I'd like to withdraw my complaint about my father's living conditions.

His name is Homer Simpson.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

If I may read from the Elder Care Regulations,

"No backsies."

Your father is currently being transported to...

- Florida. - [all gasp]

No! That's become a maximum-security prison for old folks.

The old men are all kept here.

Climate change really sagged out the panhandle.

No one ever gets out of there. What are we gonna do?

I don't know. Give me space to think.

- Think. - Think, Lisa.

Just cut out all distractions and think.

Think faster. Think now. Use your brain and think. Are you thinking?

[yelps]

- [Carl] Think. Think. Think. - [Comic Book Guy] Think. Think. Think.

[sighs]

There's got to be some way to get Dad back.

- [box contents clatter] - [groans]

[scoffs] Why would he keep this? Does he think it's still cool?

This is Mom's handwriting and phrasing.

"Marge Simpson emotional will"?

[gasps] No one has ever seen this.

Homer, in the very unlikely circumstance that I die before you,

please know that I'll always be there in the sizzle of your bacon,

the bubble of your beer, and in all the other things

that will kill you, so that we can be together again.

Maggie, my little chatterbox,

I hope you achieved your goal of becoming an auctioneer for farm equipment.

She did.

And Bart and Lisa, many years ago I told you both

to lean on each other and not drift apart.

My dearest hope is that you're looking out for each other

and sharing a lifelong journey together.

We didn't do any of that stuff because I suck.

[sobs]

We both suck.

You really have done a good job with these guys.

And yes, you bought a fancy car,

but I suppose it's okay to splurge on one thing.

You know what? Mom may be gone, but we can still make her wishes come true

by collaborating on a surgical extraction operation.

- Huh? - A kick-ass rescue mission.

Huh!

[♪ "Jailbreak" playing]

♪ Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪

Can you turn down the music?

No can do. Rocking tunes help me haul ass.

Tonight, Bart's gonna do a dad break.

[gasps] There they are.

- Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad!

- It's us. - It's your kids.

Hi, Bart and Lisa.

I'm getting a free bus ride because I'm smart.

Don't wave at them. They might be escaped prisoners.

Oh, Gladys, that's ridiculous.

♪ Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪

- [passengers yelp] - Step on it!

Once they cross over the state line, we'll never see Dad again.

Bart, remember our favorite Itchy and Scratchy?

You mean the one where Itchy reanimates the corpse of Ty Cobb,

so he can slide spikes-first into Scratchy's face?

No, our other favorite.

Right! Let's do it!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[water trickling]

[trickling continues]

- Pull over. I gotta go. - Pull over.

- Potty emergency. - I can't hold it. I gotta take a leak.

Just hold it in, pallies. We're almost there.

[all] We gotta whiz.

- Whiz. - [Raphael yelps]

[tires screech]

[all groaning]

[Homer groans]

[Homer sighs]

[♪ rock instrumental playing]

[creaking, popping]

[Homer groans]

[tires screech]

[Homer grunts]

- [Bart chuckles] We saved him! - [Lisa] Yay! We saved him.

Woo-hoo! Oh, yeah, we did save him.

Who him?

[Homer] Also, I still need to pee.

Actually, no, I'm fine.

It's so good to have you home, Dad.

And we're just in time to watch the new Itchy and Scratchy reboot.

[rapper] ♪ They fight, uh, and bite, yeah ♪

♪ Just like they did before ♪ ♪ Okay ♪

♪ Fight, fight, fight, like before ♪

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Reboot Yeah, boy ♪

I'm just so happy my kids are close again.

Love, we'll be late for the heaven buffet. There's a shrimp tower.

Okay, Ringo.

And I'm just so glad we're allowed to marry different people in heaven.

Shh.