Original subtitles

(typing) (laughing)

(continues laughing)

What? What's so funny?

Oh, that's not the cowboy squirrel, is it?

I hate that thing.

God, I had, like, 40 people send it to me.

No, I'm doing something else.

Oh, do you want to see it? It's hilarious.

The squirrel is riding this little dachshund. No, no, no.

I'm doing something, I'm doing something.

Barb was making fun of my relationship with Mr. Harris.

Wow, that's not nice.

You don't make fun of a crazy person's imaginary friends.

So anyway, as a joke,

I'm doctoring up this e-mail from Mr. Harris

about some stupid parking thing at the school.

I'm making it dirty for Barb.

(laughing)

Wow, you have time for this, but you've been driving

with an expired driver's license for over a month?

Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you

what I told the police officer yesterday.

I am waiting for my bangs to grow out

so I can take a cute picture.

Okay, come here, come here, listen to this, listen, listen.

So, see here? It says, "As of Monday the 14th,

"I am designating the white zone

for dropping off students only," right?

I change it to...

(laughing): "As of... As of Monday the 14th,

"I am designating Christine's house

for dropping my pants only."

(laughing)

Oh, that's sexy.

You really don't know anymore, do you?

No.

Hey. Hey.

I just came by to get my checkbook.

You didn't see it, did you?

Uh, I think I saw it bouncing on Ritchie's desk.

Thanks.

Christine, you remember Tom.

Hey, Christine.

Hey, long time no see. How's it hanging?

Try not to be sucked in by her charm.

You and Richard are working together again, Todd?

Yeah, yeah, we are.

You know that old firehouse in Culver City?

Oh, yeah, I love that building.

Yeah, tearing it down. It's gonna be a Trader Joe's.

Oh, I love Trader Joe's.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you look good, Todd.

Why, thank you, thanks.

You know, I've been, uh, keeping my beard

a little shorter these days,

Oh. and I get this, uh,

this moisturizer for my face,

which is, uh... boring.

Oh, no. You look good.

Oh, well, I don't know about "stunning."

I don't think I said "stunning."

(laughs): Oh, thank you!

Uh, so anyway, are you, uh, seeing anybody these days?

Uh, well, you know, sort of.

N... Uh, no.

You know, it's complicated.

Oh, I understand-- I just got out of complicated.

Or actually, my lawyers just got me out of complicated.

(laughs): Uh-huh.

Anyway, now I'm, uh, single.

Single, wildly successful architect with a short beard

and moist skin. (laughs)

Okay.

So, what do you think? Maybe we could grab dinner sometime.

Oh, eh, dinner?

Um, well, I'll, um...

Okay, I got it. You ready?

Yeah. Just a sec. What do you think?

maybe this week or next week or, uh...

really any day except for, uh, Memorial Day,

'cause my folks have a big barbecue on Mem...

Hey, would you like to go to a barbecue?

Wait. Wait. Hmm?

What's happening?

I'm just asking your ex-wife out on a date.

Is that weird for you?

A little, yeah.

Oh. Well, then go wait in the truck.

Um, you know what?

Oh, Todd, you know what, I really, I can't go out with you.

I'm not really doing that right now,

but thank you so much for asking.

Oh. That's so nice. Thank you.

Okay, okay. Well, if you change your mind,

I'd love to take you out to a nice, you know,

a really nice restaurant.

I mean, I have a brand-new Saab convertible.

Oh. I'm thinking about getting a...

a poodle-- you know, not the girly kind.

Not the girly... I mean, the giant kind.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know if any of this

is of interest to you, but I'm just gonna

throw it all out there and see if anything...

you know. Okay, well, you know what?

Um... I don't know, maybe some other time,

you know, when my bangs grow out.

Uh-huh. Gosh, I have no idea what that means,

but thanks anyway. 'Kay. All right.

All right.

Don't be upset.

You dodged a bullet. CHRISTINE: Yeah.

Hey, the man knows.

Hey, you want me to read this to you before I send it to Barb?

(laughing): It's so funny.

Wha... What election are you talking about?

Oh.

That's supposed to be an "R." Thanks.

Hmm. Uh, did you mean to do that?

What? Uh, you hit "reply all."

Uh...

What is that?

Uh, well, you sent it to all the parents

that Mr. Harris sent it to, and to Mr. Harris.

Oh...

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, unsend, unsend.

No, no, you just sent it ag... and again and again and again.

Make this stop. Make it stop.

You got to stop hitting that button. Oh, God! Oh, my God!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no...

(gasps)

Good, you got it just before it reached the wall.

(exhales): Oh...

Okay, you know what? I got to run.

I'll pick you up after school, okay?

But I don't have any milk money.

Just take it from a smaller kid, okay?

I got to get out of here.

Go, go.

(gasps): Oh, damn it!

Hello, Christine.

Okay, first of all, let me just say,

that e-mail was a complete joke, all right?

So let's just drop it.

Well, we'd love to, but somehow Ms. Hammond

came across your e-mail, and now she wants to see you.

Ms. Hammond? The gym teacher?

And head of the ethics committee.

No, no, I thought Mr. Saunders was head of the ethics committee.

Yeah, he had to step down. Why?

Well, it's not an appropriate conversation for the school yard.

You know... wah, wah,

ah-ah-ah-ah... That's enough.

How did Coach Hammond get my e-mail?

Oh, I sent it to her.

See, I have children at this school, Christine,

and if they find out about this,

they might have difficult questions,

and then they might bring those questions to me.

And I like to keep my nights free. Yeah.

(loud inhaling)

(quietly): Daniel, I am so

sorry about this. No talking, please.

This is my time.

Sorry.

You're not gonna make us run laps, are ya?

Sorry.

You think this is funny, Mrs. Campbell?

You think it's funny that a parent at this school has been caught

having a completely inappropriate relationship with

a member of the faculty?

A relationship of a sexual nature?

You think that's funny?

(suppressing laugh): No.

You're in deep custard here, Mrs. Campbell.

Really, you might want to pull yourself together.

Mm. It's just, uh, you're right, it's-it's not funny.

I just have a history of inappropriate reactions

to, um....

(laughing): authority figures.

This is a very serious matter.

I suggest you get your berries back in the basket.

(laughing): Oh...

Sorry.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

The e-mail was meant to be a joke, Coach Hammond.

I knew that, and I didn't take it seriously at all.

Yeah, I was supposed to send it to my friend Barb--

we send each other funny e-mails all the time--

and this was supposed to be funny,

and then it got... sexy, so...

And dangerous-- I don't think you're understanding

the seriousness of the situation.

You are on hot skittles here, lady.

I am so sorry.

And, as I'm sure both of you know,

Westbridge has a very strict policy

against faculty-parent relationships.

And for good reason-- what do you think would happen

if I took up with every parent that hit on me?

(brief laugh)

(fake coughing)

I wear shorts year-round, Mr. Harris.

You know, I'm telling you, that e-mail

was supposed to be a joke.

It could get Mr. Harris fired.

Not so funny now, is it?

You were saying?

Uh, well, I was saying that Mr. Harris and I

do not have a relationship.

Is that true, Mr. Harris?

Absolutely. See?

In fact, I'm seeing someone.

What?

Well, it's only been for a couple of weeks.

Ah.

Well, so that's, uh...

(clears throat): Congratulations... to you.

Uh... so, you see that?

And, you know, I mean, there's no possibility

of us having a relationship, because Mr. Harris is in love.

Christine, I'm not...

All right.

Consider this a warning.

But you can be sure I'll have my eye on both of you.

Especially you, Mr. Harris.

Well, I better go.

Yeah. I should be getting back to class.

I'll walk with you. Oh, no, that's not necessary.

I am perfectly capable of walking alone.

Have a, uh, nice day, Mr. Harris.

I can't believe he's seeing someone--

for a couple of weeks!

That means he was seeing someone

when I Google-mapped his home address.

Oh, by the way, I looked up the comps in that area.

He bought that place at the right time.

How could he give up the chance

to be with a nice stalker like you?

S-So you can't send an e-mail,

but you can Google-map and run real estate comps?

I made Ritchie do it.

Anyway, you were right, all right?

I'm completely alone in this relationship.

I mean, while I was busy pining for him,

he was busy getting on with his life.

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Well...

I've tried everything.

For some reason, Tom still wants to go out with you.

Who?

An architect friend of mine.

I've known him ten years,

and, God knows why, he's always had a crush on Christine.

What do you mean, "God knows why"?

Look at me.

I tried talking him out of it.

I told him she was high-maintenance,

that she never lets go of a grudge-- he didn't care.

He thinks she's sweet on the inside.

I even took out Ritchie's birth video

and showed him what she's like on the inside.

What?

Richard, you don't show people my birth video.

I thought it would end his crush.

Even I've never seen the birth video,

and I've seen terrible things.

So, what do you want me to tell him?

You want to go out with him or not?

I don't think so.

Does he make good money?

More money than me.

That wasn't my question.

Yeah, he makes good money.

Is he smart? He's smarter than me.

Yeah, he's smart.

She'll go out with him.

What? Barb, it's not your decision to make.

Look, he's a real man with a real interest in you.

You got to stop using these fantasy relationships

to avoid the real thing.

(sighs): I know. You're right.

All right, you can tell him I'll go out with him.

But tell him I'm on the rebound.

Pretend rebound.

And tell him I don't put out.

Pretend don't-put-out.

* Hey... *

Ah, this is great. Yeah.

This is so great. You know what?

I have wanted to go out with you for five years.

Oh, wow. Oh.

You know, in fact,

when you and Richard were still together,

I used to secretly hope you'd get a divorce.

Me, too.

(laughing)

You know what, I once even Google-mapped your house.

Oh. Ah...

Todd, a little stalkery.

I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please, call me Tom.

Why?

Oh, because it's my name.

But I've been calling you Todd for five years.

I know, I know, I know.

I thought about changing it for you.

But I didn't. Not so stalkery after all.

No. (chuckling)

(chuckling): Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just...

my stomach's a little, uh...

it's just lately it's been, uh...

You know what, I think I'm just gonna have to...

I'm going to go use the, uh...

You know, I'm just... excuse me.

Oh.

Do you want me to order us a drink?

You know what, maybe some bubble water.

Okay? And please... please don't leave.

Christine.

Hi.

Daniel.

Oh, hi. You're here?

Yeah, this is one of my favorite restaurants.

I live right around the corner.

Oh, right, on Cloverdale.

Or...

you know, thereabouts.

I mean, I don't know.

Hey, I, uh...

I feel so terrible about that e-mail.

It was so immature.

I didn't mean to get you in trouble.

Ah, I don't think we're in trouble.

Seemed to have gotten our berries back in the basket.

(chuckling)

So, what are you doing here,

you picking up some takeout?

Actually, I'm meeting my date.

Oh, right.

You're in love.

Yeah, well, I'm here on a date, too.

Really?

Do you see him there right now?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, he's in the restroom.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, enjoy your evening.

Okay. You, too.

Okay.

I really don't think I want to be seeing this.

Am I going to throw up?

No. It's beautiful.

It's the miracle of life.

And it's tastefully shot.

You won't see anything bad.

(panting, grunting on TV)

Oh! Aah!

Except that.

(grunting on TV) Aah! Aah!

And that.

Wait, hold on, I'm trying to get my bearings.

That's Christine, that's the doctor...

What is that?!

Do I have one of those?

Is that Ritchie?

No, no, you don't see Ritchie for another two hours.

Well, now I've seen everything.

(loud grunting on TV)

Oop. Nope. There's everything.

Hey...

sorry about that.

That's okay.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's good.

It was a, uh... false alarm.

Would you like to, you know,

I don't know, do this another time?

No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

No, I'm just gonna... I'm going to power through this.

I've been waiting...

I have been waiting five years for tonight.

Nothing is going to ruin this evening.

Oh, I hope you don't mind,

I ordered some appetizers.

WAITER: Spicy prawns with peanut sauce

and cream cheese wantons.

Enjoy. Thank you.

Doesn't that smell so good?

You know, I'm going to have to be right back.

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's great, great. Super.

Having the best time of my life, really.

You know what, I'd love to hear more about Ritchie.

Hey.

Hey.

How's your date going?

Good. I think he has diarrhea.

You want a prawn?

I think I'm good.

But way to sell 'em.

You want to sit down?

Oh, yeah, might as well.

Where's your date?

I might be getting stood up.

Oh, yeah, right.

Women don't stand you up.

What, do you think dating is easy for me?

Well, if I looked like you I'd just date myself.

Yeah, well, I tried that in junior high school,

but we had to break up when my mom

took the door off my bedroom.

(laughs)

Yeah. Now, who is this guy?

Oh, I've known him forever.

Todd.

Er, uh, Tom, I guess.

Yeah, my ex fixed me up with him.

You know, my friends and my family

think that I have to stop having

imaginary relationships with unattainable men.

Who have you been having an imaginary relationship with?

Taylor Hicks.

So, what about, uh... what about your date?

What is she like?

She's nice. It's still early.

Yeah. She pretty?

Kind of.

She was Miss Maryland.

Oh.

Maryland.

It's a small state.

Hey.

Christine, I'm just going to have to...

nip over to the drug store for just a minute.

But I'll be back. I'll be back right away.

Oh. Well, let me go with you.

No, no, no, no. Under no circumstances

do I want you to come with me for this.

Besides, you've found a...

super handsome guy to talk to.

That's... the evening's going

pretty much exactly as I had planned.

Please don't leave.

Wow.

He's quick. Yeah.

And he's getting a giant poodle.

Hey.

I am sorry that you found out

about me dating the way you did.

I would have told you myself, but it just seemed

sort of presumptuous.

I didn't think you'd even care.

I don't. I don't.

And you don't owe me anything.

I mean, I hardly even know you.

Well, what would you like to know?

(guttural screaming on TV)

(loud primal screaming)

(screaming continues)

I thought of it as payback for all the times

she used to hit me with her slipper.

(laughing)

Okay, okay, I've been... I've been talking all night.

Tell me something else about you.

Oh, you know everything.

Single mom. Own my own business.

Miss Universe.

Ooh.

What? What's the matter?

Oh... I'm just doing it again.

What?

Well, I mean, you know, we're sitting here and talking

and laughing and getting to know each other.

But, obviously, you're waiting for your real date to arrive

and my brain is just turning this into something else.

What? Daniel.

Regina.

Hey.

I'm so sorry. I got called back into surgery.

Oh, are you all right?

I'm a doctor.

Oh.

Regina, I'd like you to meet Christine Campbell.

She's a mother at the school. Oh.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Did you eat already? A little, yeah.

Oh, that's fine.

I'll grab something at the movies.

Let me catch the valet before he takes my car.

Nice to meet you, Christine.

Oh... Feel better.

I guess I have a date.

Yeah, guess you do.

Well, you know, try and have fun with...

Dr. Beautiful.

And you enjoy Todd.

Or is it Tom?

I don't know.

And by the way,

the only reason I'm going out with her

is so I can stop thinking about you.

Oh.

Well...

I am fine.

Whatever it was, it seems to have passed,

thanks to a...

very delightful pharmacist and, uh...

a great deal of luck.

So, what do you say, why don't we start over?

(sighs relief): What looks good?

No wonder she pees when she sneezes.

I'm never going to be able to look at her again.

I'm never going to be able to eat veal parmesan again.