Original subtitles

Excuse me, ma'am, may I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. No, sweetie.

We don't have any change.

I have change. No, sweetie.

I'm not asking for money.

I want to talk to you about the upcoming special election.

Are you a registered voter?

Uh-huh. Cool it.

You know what?

Can we do this on the way out?

I'm not blowing you off.

I really do believe that it is our responsibility

to make informed decisions about our legislature.

Okay.

No, really. I mean it.

I'm not one of those kind of people who just says that.

I'm involved. I'm a concerned citizen.

Right, sweetie?

Okay. Okay.

I'll see you in a minute.

You ready?

What are we doing?

Just hold on.

Ah!

It was so cool.

We just went flying out of there.

We ran right over his foot.

Nice example you're setting for our son.

Yeah.

Hey, what is going on with you and all this backtalk?

I don't know, I think I'm changing.

All right, well, go change in your room.

Start your homework.

I am setting a good example for Ritchie.

I did not talk to that guy

because I already know who I'm voting for.

I didn't want to waste his time.

That gives him a chance to talk to people

who are ignorant on the issues.

Who's more ignorant than you?

I happen to be very politically informed.

You know, sending Jon Stewart pictures of yourself

in a bikini doesn't make you politically informed.

So who are you voting for?

The handsome guy...

with the yellow lab, a little stubble, sparkly eyes.

You're pathetic.

Oh, yeah, who are you voting for?

The guy who used to play for the Lakers...

with the hot wife.

And I'm pathetic.

Plus, his voting record as an assemblyman impressed me

and he had some really great ideas

about the redistricting proposals.

That's right.

Hey, listen, you know what?

I set a fine example for Ritchie, all right?

I drive a Prius.

I burn soy candles.

I've got a black friend.

I mean, what more could I possibly do?

Read a book.

I read Jon Stewart's book.

All right, I'm going to go check on what's-his-face.

Anybody want more coffee?

I'll take a little.

Oh.

(laughing)

You guys kissed.

(chuckling)

No, we did not.

What was that?

What?

That. Just now.

You two just looked at each other.

No.

Yes.

I said you kissed and you looked at each other.

It was weird.

And this right now,

me telling you and you denying it,

that's weird, too.

Nothing's weird. You're making it weird.

It wasn't weird before you started saying weird.

You're just crazy. And you're weird.

Oh, my God, you guys are doing it.

We're not doing it.

I'm married to Pete

and I'm not even doing it with him.

Well, something's going on.

And you'd better tell me what,

otherwise I'm telling everyone you're doing it.

You'd better tell him.

Oh, my God!

There's something to tell.

I was totally bluffing.

Quiet, jackass.

There was one time...

we made out.

It was ten years ago. I was home from college.

It was before Barb was married.

This is huge.

I can't believe it.

How was it?

Okay. Fantastic.

I can't believe Christine never told me.

Christine doesn't know.

Yeah, we didn't tell her at the time.

We thought she'd freak out.

Why?

Because back then

it would've been too weird.

And now that we've been lying about it

for ten years, now it's too late.

Yeah, and you can't tell her.

Hmm.

I don't know what's going to stop me.

Hmm.

I'll give you a hint.

Ow!

Oh, God.

He's so good!

How can Simon say he's not a star?

Simon's always right. I don't like him, either.

Not a star.

What? He grew up in hard-times Mississippi.

He had to take care of his entire family.

How can you not be rooting for him?

He's never going to make it.

Look, Paula's not even crying.

Hey. Hey.

Did you vote?

What? No.

You can't vote until they're done singing, you dumbass.

I'm talking about the election, you dumbass.

Oh.

Was that today?

Oh, crap.

It's not too late. If you leave now,

you can probably get there before the polls close.

But Idol.

TiVo it.

No, I can't. It's broken.

We're watching this live, like animals.

If I go now, I'll miss the end.

What'd I miss?

Your mom forgot to vote.

Don't tell him that.

I was going to vote, sweetie,

but then I lost track of time

and now it's too late.

You still have 15 minutes.

Don't tell him that.

Why aren't you going to vote?

Because...

I am.

I'm going to vote. Come on, let's go vote.

But Idol. No, forget it.

This is important.

This is a sacred privilege.

We must not be take it for granted.

We got to hurry up and get back

before that gay married guy comes on.

I love him.

Matthew, where do I vote?

Oh, dude, it's really easy.

You go to the end of our street and...

Okay, you know what, you talk too slow.

Come on, you're taking me.

But Idol.

No! Come on, you're taking me.

Come on. Come on.

Did you want to go with your boyfriend or...

Come on, I'm just teasing.

It's funny.

Just kidding around.

Okay, since you're obviously going to be an idiot about this,

I'm going to need some insurance

that you're not going to tell Christine.

What do you mean?

You need to tell me a secret of yours.

So that way if you tell Christine our secret,

we'll tell yours.

And it has to be something embarrassing.

How about...

I'm afraid of you?

That's no secret.

(chuckles)

Oh! All right, you're still open.

We made it.

We are here to vote.

Name? Christine Campbell.

This is my son Ritchie.

He's very interested in how democracy works.

Can I watch your TV?

No.

Shoot.

I don't see you on the list.

Really? Campbell.

437 Myrtle Street.

It's a cottage-y house with the wood shingles,

Christmas tree on the curb.

Hey, do you know who we call

to pick that up because...

You know what?

We'll take care of that.

It's probably not your department.

You're not registered here.

When was the last time you voted?

I don't believe that

you are allowed to ask me that question

within 50 feet of a polling place.

Matthew, do you want to do something?

Me? What can I possibly do?

You're useless. Come on.

I know that this is my place.

I've been here before.

I remember the smell.

Are you sure that I'm not on that list?

Oh, Christine.

You can't even get on this list?

Why are you voting in my neighborhood?

We claim residency in some of the poorer sections of town.

Some tax thing.

I think we own the liquor store down the street.

Oh. I love that liquor store.

Thank you.

Can we move this along?

We're going to miss the gay married guy.

Oh, you have a date?

No, it's Idol.

You know, I don't have time for this.

You know, we should go, too.

We left the housekeepers in the car watching Shrek.

Isn't there something that I can do?

Maybe vote now and register tomorrow?

No, it's too late.

The polls are closing as of right...

now.

No, no, no, but I need to vote.

My son needs to see me vote.

Wait! My son. Ritchie! Ritchie!

Okay, so.

That's voting. Do you have any questions?

No. That was scary.

Yeah, okay, let's go.

Well, Ritchie's doing okay.

Luckily, he was distracted

by all those old vacuums in that lady's garage.

Yeah, what was that about?

I mean, are they building something?

I feel like we should call someone.

What happened to me, Matthew?

I used to be so politically active.

I used to have a social conscience.

I used to care about things

that were bigger than American Idol.

Like when you cared about Amazing Race?

Before that.

Oh, when you cared about Survivor?

Before that.

You know, I used to care about the world around me.

I was involved, you know.

Don't you remember in college I was so active.

Oh, you were very active.

I remember three pregnancy scares

and a lot of antibiotics.

I loved college.

I used to go to rallies,

I used to go to Take Back The Night marches.

Remember that bus trip I took to Washington, D.C.?

I remember when you found out

you had to use the bathroom on the bus,

you made them drop you off in Barstow.

No, no, but then there was

that creepy guy in the tights at the rest stop,

so I got back on the bus and I went to D.C.

I had a very edifying weekend, you know.

Have you ever been to our nation's capitol?

Well, the summer I worked as a congressional page.

Okay!

Does everything have to be a competition with you?

I mean, the point is that after that trip,

I became really involved in campus politics.

I started the Young Democrats Club,

I slept that guy who made the campaign buttons.

It felt good.

You know, I need to be a better role model for Ritchie.

I do. I mean, what does it say

that his mother can't even name our senators?

Well, it'd probably be more damaging for him to know

there's a chance his real father is some guy

who make buttons.

Such a small chance.

You know, that's it.

I'm going to do something.

I'm going to volunteer.

Oh, hey, is Bill Clinton running for anything?

No.

(groans)

What else can I do?

Stop sharing the details of your filthy past,

make me dinner, clean the house.

Yeah, I'll think of something.

Hi, I'm collecting signatures to...

Oh. Go on in. I know.

You prefer to do your crippling on the way out.

Sorry about that, but I'm interested now.

I see your T-shirt says "Save The Planet."

And I compost.

Well, I haven't actually gotten the composter yet,

but I've got a black friend.

Well, we're trying to collect signatures.

I'm in. Do you want to hear what for?

Definitely. We want to tell

our representatives in Congress that we are opposed...

Very opposed.

...to expanding unregulated offshore drilling

along the California...

Border.

...coast.

Better. Yeah. Go on.

That's it. That's the cause.

Oh. I'm in.

Great.

There you go. Thanks.

Sure.

Wow! You know, I was wondering.

Do you guys need any volunteers?

Because I would be so happy to do my part.

Well, we could always use some help collecting signatures.

Oh. Great. Oh, yes, I could do that.

I can be very persuasive.

Once, I convinced my gym teacher

that I had my period every day for an entire semester.

You know, we don't need to be friends.

We can just work together.

Come on. You've had all day.

What's your secret?

All right.

How about this?

When I was a junior in high school,

there was this super hot math teacher.

She was unbelievable.

All the guys had total crushes on her.

And, one day, she asked me to stay after class,

and she propositioned me.

Okay, that's the opposite of a secret.

Um, that's bragging.

And probably lying.

Yeah.

Well, I'm doing it.

I'm changing the world,

one "regulated coastal use claim" at a time.

Someone let you volunteer for them?

Yup. I'm an activist. Check it out.

I've just got to read this crap,

and stretch out the neck on this T-shirt,

and I'm going to hit the streets.

I start at 3:00. Hey, listen.

When you pick Ritchie up at school, bring him by the market.

He can see his mom being a hero.

I've got to go change.

This underwire is stabbing me in the pit.

Hey, you keep this up,

they're going to put your face on a quarter.

Yeah.

Okay, come on. Stop stalling.

We need something embarrassing.

You've got to have plenty to choose from.

You used to wear a feathered earring.

Okay. Here's something I've never told anyone.

I guess it's a little embarrassing.

I was on the wrestling team in high school.

And, one weekend, we were initiating the new members...

So it's printed name, signature and address.

Make sure it's all legible. Do you have any questions?

Oh, yeah, just one.

Who makes your buttons?

It's not a guy named Larry, is it?

Big hair? Drives a VW Rabbit?

I don't know.

Okay. Well, just had to ask.

Just get as many signatures as you can,

and I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on you.

Wait.

Wait. What if there's an emergency?

Here's an extra pen.

Thank you.

Okay. Oh, here we go.

Hi. I'm Christine.

I'm collecting signatures for a very worthy cause.

Well, maybe on the way out.

That would be fine with me.

Hi. I'm working to save the environment.

I mean, not by myself. That would be dumb.

But I'm just... okay.

Oh, hi. I'm working to save the environment.

Save the environment.

Save the friggin' environment!

Hi. I see you.

I see you! I see you! I see you!

Hey, Chief. What's going on?

Oh, thank you. Huh, finally, somebody with a conscience.

I'm collecting signatures.

We want to send a message to our representatives

to stop unregulated oil drilling off of the California coast.

Oh, really? That's funny.

Because I want to send the opposite message,

along with the 68 registered voters who signed my petition.

I'm not even counting the guy who signed it "Hugh Jass".

Oh, that's funny.

Wait a minute. You're against the initiative?

How could anybody be against the initiative?

I suppose you're against babies and bunnies and rainbows, too.

Oh, that's so typical of your side.

Taking real issues and distorting it with personal attacks.

So why don't you just go home now, shorty.

I am not going to go home...

tall.

God! I mean, you know what?

For the first time in a very long time,

I care about something.

And, when I care about something, I fight for it.

Like... like, in here, you know,

they used to not let you buy four eggs at a time,

but I fought back, and now

you can divide up your cartons any way you want.

Wow. That was you?

Yeah.

I come in here every day and buy a single egg,

and I've always wondered, "Who can I thank for this?"

Oh. Me.

I'm mocking you, dork.

Hey, enough with the nicknames... tall.

God! You know, you can make fun of me all you want,

but I am not going anywhere.

Oh, neither am I.

Hi. I'm trying to save the environment.

It's a scam.

She's trying to steal your identity.

You want to fight dirty? I can fight dirty.

I'm filthy. Just ask my brother.

What?

You've heard of people doing that before.

I haven't even heard of farm animals doing that before.

It was the wrestling team.

We were a bunch of young guys.

Don't be so freaked out.

I'm more than freaked out.

I think I'm going to call the police.

Oh! No... Okay, uh... Just keep moving, Hortensia.

Hey, Marlee! Lindsay!

You guys... Hey! I see you.

Oh, Christine. Hello.

So what now? Are you on strike or something?

Did we cross your picket line?

We don't want any trouble.

No. I don't work here.

I'm collecting signatures to pass a bill

that would help protect the environment.

The environment?

Oh, Christine, let it go.

Let it go?

No, I'm talking about the Earth. Our planet.

The world that we're leaving our children.

Oh, come on.

You're being a little dramatic, don't you think?

Yeah. The scientists will fix everything.

It'll be fine.

Look. You two are signing this petition.

Either because it's the right thing to do

or because, if you don't,

I'm going to tell everyone that you vote in my neighborhood.

Go ahead.

And that you asked me where I bought my purse.

No! We'll sign it.

Okay. And that's two more signatures.

Thank you, ladies.

Hortensia, are you a citizen?

No? Okay.

Would you like to...?

All right. That's fine.

All right. Thank you very much, Whitey.

Whitney.

Oh! Whitney. Oh, yeah. That's better. Yeah.

Pretty.

Well, I did it!

I got all my pages.

Right there, baby.

And they are on their way.

Tough luck, Gigantor.

How long did it take you to think that one up?

I worked through lunch.

You're ridiculous.

Oh, yeah. And you're just mad because the good guys won.

Good guys? How do you figure?

We're putting an end to unregulated oil drilling.

Your entire campaign is sponsored by the oil companies.

Didn't you even read it?

I read my T-shirt.

Do the Earth a favor, honey,

Limit your voting to American Idol.

American... What is that?

Damn it!

but you understand how the voting process works now?

Yeah. I just call the number of the person I want to win.

Yeah. And the great this is,

there's none of this "one person, one vote" nonsense.

I mean, you can vote for your contestant

as many times as your finger holds out.

It's a great example of democracy.

So, who are you going to vote for?

The army guy. No, no, no. He's no good.

Okay. I guess I'll vote for Monique.

And you just lost your vote.

'Cause, you know, as our forefathers said,

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Spiderman's uncle said that.

Yeah. And he got it from the forefathers.

That's enough about politics. Let's watch Idol.