Original subtitles

Oh, God. 3:15?

Okay, if I go to sleep right this second,

I'd still have three hours and 15 minutes.

I could probably push it to 7:00

if I don't take a shower.

No, I did that yesterday.

It might be my stink that's keeping me awake.

Okay, this is crazy.

Just think about nothing.

Hey, why did the smoke alarm stop blinking?

Oh, there it goes.

Wait. It stopped again.

Oh, there it goes.

Okay, let the smoke alarm do its job.

Go to sleep.

Okay, here we go. Sleep.

(clock beeping)

Oh!

Move!

Oh-oh, another bad night's sleep?

Another day of unemployment?

Wow, you're mean when you're sleepy.

Sorry. I only slept for about two hours last night.

I'll be fine.

(sobbing)

Poor baby.

Don't touch me! Get a job!

I... You know what? I don't have to take this!

I'm a grown man!

If you don't start being nicer,

I'm going to move back in with Mom!

I'm sorry. You're right.

You don't deserve that.

You know what? You need to get some help.

Your sleep-deprived mood swings

has everyone in this house afraid of you.

What? What are you talking about?

Nobody's scared of me.

Hey, Mom, how'd you sleep?

Not great.

Bye.

Wow, you are really tense.

Yeah.

Let me just do your neck

and we'll see if that does anything.

Okay, just, just relax.

Let me do all the work.

Okay.

Don't fight me.

You're fighting me, Christine.

Oh, sorry.

Stop fighting me.

Trust. Trust...

You're not trusting me.

Okay. (cracking)

Damn you, that's good! Ooh!

Tell me about the sleeping problem you've had.

How long has that been going on?

Well, I haven't really gotten a good night's sleep

since the baby was born.

How old is the baby?

Almost ten.

I mean, I try to get to bed early,

but the second I lie down, my mind starts racing.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, you know, everything.

I mean, like last night,

I was thinking about everything I had to do tomorrow

and everything I didn't get done yesterday,

and then I hear a cricket.

And then I think of my friend Susan

who named her daughter "Cricket."

I didn't get her a present when she was born

and now Cricket has asthma.

That's sad.

And then I start laughing, you know, because...

(chuckles)

Cricket is a, a funny name.

(laughing)

Oh, wait a minute. Is her name Cricket?

(cracking)

God, yes, you bastard!

(sighs)

Okay, go ahead and turn over.

Okay.

You can't function without a good night's sleep.

Yeah.

Have you tried relaxation exercises?

Nah, they piss me off.

Sex? Same thing.

Have you thought about a sleeping pill?

Oh, I don't want to go down that road.

(cracking)

I remember on The Mary Tyler Moore Show

(groans)

Mary had insomnia

and then she got addicted to sleeping pills.

(loud crack) (groans)

Well, science has made great strides

since the fictional 1970s.

Look, if you want,

I'll have my partner write a prescription for you.

Try it and see what happens.

Well, you've always taken such good care of me.

I mean, if you think it'll help, I guess I can try it.

Ooh! Uh!

Oh, sweet mother! I love you, Dr. Mike.

Oh, I feel so relaxed.

(sighs)

Is that a cricket?

(bell dings)

Burton!

Christine, hey.

Hey. (both chuckling)

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just seeing my chiropractor.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm, uh, seeing my therapist.

Oh, oh.

I didn't know you were in therapy.

How long you been going?

About six months.

Oh, that's right around the time we stopped seeing each other.

Yes, right around that time.

Oh. Oh... Yeah.

Yeah, that was, that was a really hard time for me.

I mean, I broke up with my girlfriend for you

because you led me to believe that you loved me,

and then you, you made out with your ex-husband.

(chuckles nervously)

Oh, yeah. That was weird, huh?

You know, I'm not blaming you.

That's taken a lot of hard work with Sheila.

That's my therapist,

and it's cost me the equivalent of a seven-day

all-inclusive singles cruise to the Caribbean.

(chuckles nervously)

Yeah, I looked into it for a little bit.

It's fun. Mostly guys.

Mostly gay.

(both chuckle)

Anyway, um...

it's really, really nice to run into you.

I should probably be going.

Oh, okay. You look great.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

Okay.

Nice to talk... No, I better not.

Oh, okay.

Bye.

I mean, six months with a doctor to get over...?

Poor guy. I feel terrible.

And a little great.

He was deeply in love with me, okay?

It's awful.

God, I just hope he can get over me.

I hope you can get over you.

Quiet!

A man was destroyed!

Now, you know what?

I'm gonna need you to help me, okay?

I don't know how these are gonna affect me

and you know, I don't really believe in taking sleep aids.

You don't believe in taking sleep aids?

Right. Wine?

That's different.

It's from the Earth, natural.

Nyquil?

It's from the store...

natural.

This is a whole other league, okay?

This is a prescription sleep medicine.

You know what, I've seen the ads for these.

It's got that little sleepy bear who climbs into the clouds

and then the clouds float away into a rainbow.

Why don't you just take acid?

'Cause my insurance won't cover acid.

Wow! This stuff is powerful.

Look at the warning.

"Don't drink alcohol. Don't operate heavy machinery.

Don't make important decisions."

Wow.

You should have that sewn into your underwear.

(phone rings)

Hello?

There is nothing in my subconscious or otherwise

that still has feelings for Burton. Ugh!

He's too nice for me.

He's so sensitive.

Like a woman.

And not the kind of woman I like.

Wow, so I guess it was all just the pills, huh?

Oh, I'm not gonna make it!

Burton is so awful.

And I feel myself being mean to him, you know?

I mean, I don't want to, but he's so weak.

And weak guys bring out my mean streak.

Why don't you just leave?

Oh, I can't-- he's too fragile.

God, those pills made me a completely different person.

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this night.

(gasps)

What's she doing now?

She's gonna take a pill.

I know-- I'll take a pill.

I mean, not a whole one.

You know-- like a quarter.

Well, maybe a half. All right, be careful.

No, it's okay-- I haven't had a drink, and he's driving.

It'll just take the edge off, you know?

Hey, let me talk to Barb.

(beep)

How much will you give me for my Lovely Lady of Lorimar?

Will you take my Giant Red Sea Serpent?

I don't think I'd better.

(TV playing quietly)

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell ringing repeatedly)

(doorbell continues ringing)

(giggling) Oh.

Oh, Matthew, oh, wow.

I'm sorry. I hope we didn't wake you up.

Uh, Burton, you remember Matthew, my brother.

My support system.

My rock.

My God.

Sorry it's so late,

but we just had a beautiful night together.

Yeah. Reconnecting.

Beautiful! Oh, Matthew,

we reconnected.

Okay, that's enough.

Time to disconnect. No, no, no, no.

Not yet. I've got to say something to Burton.

Oh, no, you don't. I love you.

And you said it.

I love you, too, baby.

And now he's said it.

Oh, I love you, Burton!

Good night, Burton.

Now, listen, tell Burton I hope he feels better, okay?

(sighs) Good night, Burton.

I'll bring you a picture of Burton next time.

He is gonna love you.

Oh... and I am gonna love Burton!

(laughing)

Meow.

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

Get in the house!

I kissed him?

It looked like you were trying to eat him.

Oh, my God! And you told him you loved him.

No! And he said he loved you.

Oh! And you invited me on a girls' getaway weekend.

Aah!

I did all that, and I don't remember any of it?

I wonder if I should stop taking these pills.

I wonder.

You're ruining a man's life.

Even that doesn't make me happy.

But I am so well rested, you know?

I'm not sleepy, I'm not grumpy.

You're still dopey.

Yeah. Okay, I know.

Poor Burton. Ugh!

Well, I'm just gonna have to tell him the truth:

that I'm a sleep-deprived Jekyll and Hyde.

Boy, he's gonna be in therapy

for the rest of his life over this.

Well, thank God he's got Burton.

Did you sneak another pill?

(pounding on door)

It's Burton.

Oh, shoot.

I have to deal with this.

ALL: No!

All right, fine.

You're right, no pills, okay?

I'll just have to tell him the truth.

No matter how much it hurts.

Hi, Christine.

Burton, hi.

I'm glad you're here-- I need to talk to you

about what happened last night.

Yeah, I need to talk to you, too.

(sighs): Burton, you know I like you.

I know, but I can't keep seeing you.

What?

(sighs): I'm just not really myself right now.

I probably should have told you earlier,

but... my therapist has me on some pretty serious drugs.

It's a potent cocktail of antidepressants

and anti-anxiety medication.

Oh. What do they do?

Apparently, they make you tolerable.

Hey! Hey!

Christine, I'm sorry, but you were always

a little rough around the edges for me,

and the medicine smoothed everything out.

Wow, you said you loved me.

I know I have hurt you, but I can't keep

seeing someone I can only tolerate if I'm on drugs.

Okay! I heard you.

(chuckles): If you want to talk about tolerate,

I mean, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

I was on something, too.

Yeah, that's right--

I had to take pills

to get through the meal with you.

Oh, boy.

So now you're gonna tell me that you were on pills, too.

Yeah. I was.

I don't remember anything that happened last night.

Of course you don't.

No. I don't.

Wow. I really destroyed you, didn't I?

(chuckles quietly)

Destroyed me?

No, I wrecked you.

You're the one who's been in therapy for the last six months,

naming cats after yourself.

What are you talking about? I don't own a cat.

Crazy!

I'm not the crazy one.

I mean, I can't sleep, yeah, and I've got some hostility issues,

but other than that, I am golden.

Sure you are.

What is this?

Sheila's number.

Call her.

A little therapy might do you some good.

Hey, I don't need therapy,

nut job! Uh-huh.

What... No, no, I'm strong!

I'm independent!

I'm in the best mental health of my life!

Hey, call me!