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1
00:00:00,368 --> 00:00:01,602
Morning.
2
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,404
Morning.
3
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,297
(groans)
4
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:35,303
Uh, that milk's spoiled.
5
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:38,372
Why didn't you tell me that
before I drank it?
6
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,209
I thought it would be funnier
this way.
7
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,412
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Uncle Matthew.
8
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,046
Hey, sweetie.
Where's your daddy?
9
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:48,482
Can't talk. Drank a Big Gulp.
Gotta pee.
10
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:50,384
Hi.
Hi.
11
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,652
Hey, it's breakfast time.
12
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,521
What are you giving him
Big Gulps for?
13
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,022
Richard got one
so he wanted one.
14
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,757
Besides, it's only 32 ounces.
15
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,760
He's only 32 ounces.
16
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,763
So...
17
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,132
you guys psyched?
18
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:09,036
I don't think so.
19
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,138
My birthday.
20
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,339
It's tomorrow.
21
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,041
I'm psyched, honey.
Thanks, babe.
22
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,909
Oh, Richard's birthday.
23
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,545
Yeah, I have
so many memories
24
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,813
of all the birthdays
Richard and I spent together.
25
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,349
The birthday eve countdown,
26
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,584
the phone call from his mother
27
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,919
at the exact moment
of his birth:
28
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,189
3:18... a.m.
29
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,357
That's so weird.
30
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,860
I was born at 8:13 a.m.
31
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,767
Wow.
32
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,235
Don't listen to Crabby Pants.
33
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,903
it's going to be fun.
34
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,139
I booked the party room at
Bonjiorno's for tomorrow night.
35
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,807
But we only have it
for three hours
36
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,942
so you're going to have to keep
the speeches to a minimum.
37
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,944
Oh, and I hate to ask...
38
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,080
Oh, you so don't
hate to ask.
39
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,615
Can you make
the lemon Jell-O cake?
40
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:57,318
Yes, I'll make
the lemon Jell-O cake.
41
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,019
Yay! I'm psyched!
42
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,955
I've got to say, I'm starting to
get a little jazzed myself.
43
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,358
Hey, is Ritchie still
peeing up there?
44
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:05,793
I'll go check on him.
45
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,561
'Cause maybe you guys want
to talk about
46
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,431
some other birthday surprises
you have planned.
47
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:16,270
Well, I'm going to go to my room
to get stoked.
48
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:25,879
Can I offer you a glass of milk?
49
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,857
Can I help
with the cake?
50
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,226
I think I've got it.
51
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,560
It's no problem.
52
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,061
My mom used to bake
all the time.
53
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,796
Actually, her maiden
name was Baker.
54
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:46,400
I don't know if that's why she
baked, but she loved baking.
55
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,068
Um, I've gotta...
just get...
56
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,637
Yeah.
57
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,171
My dad's last
name is Hunter.
58
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,741
He doesn't hunt, though.
59
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,477
Or bake.
60
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:57,811
Richard?
61
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,013
Um... I've gotta...
I've gotta get in here.
62
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,349
Yeah, thanks.
63
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:02,716
My last name is Hunter.
64
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,952
I don't know if you knew that,
but it is.
65
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:08,556
Matthew?
66
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,391
Anyone?
67
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,294
Um, I've gotta...
I'm just going over...
68
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,828
Yeah, so, yeah.
69
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,597
So, I wanted to ask
you something.
70
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,499
Do you have any ideas
about what to get Richard?
71
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,200
I want to get him
a really special gift
72
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,369
because he's always
so thoughtful.
73
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,338
Yeah, I know, right?
74
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,207
Oh, wait, you're serious?
75
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,742
Oh, yeah.
76
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,478
On our first date, I told him
about my fifth birthday
77
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,480
and how my parents promised
to get me a pony.
78
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:33,914
But before my birthday,
they split up,
79
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,649
so I didn't get the pony.
80
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,786
So for my birthday last year,
Richard took me to Catalina.
81
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,960
And...
82
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,196
you-you went horseback riding?
83
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,799
Oh, that would have been fun.
84
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:55,536
No, we stayed in a hotel
and made love all weekend.
85
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,507
That's a great story.
86
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,509
But the card did have a picture
of a horse on it.
87
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,710
So, he's thoughtful.
88
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:03,577
Oh.
89
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,112
And not just on birthdays.
90
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,847
On Sunday nights,
he knows I get kind of sad,
91
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,149
so he always leaves me
a little poem on my pillow.
92
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:15,956
Oh. The only note he ever left
me was, "Don't go in there."
93
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,592
He's always giving me gifts
for no reason.
94
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,027
He bought me this top.
95
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,396
Oh. Hmm. Once he got me
a T-shirt that said,
96
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:26,834
"I'm not as think
as you drunk I am."
97
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,970
Boy, he's really gotten better
at this boyfriend business.
98
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,004
I lucked out.
99
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,172
Oh!
100
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,941
Oh, you know what he would like.
101
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:38,178
There's this thing that goes on
the back of his pickup truck,
102
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:39,680
it's called a bed extender.
103
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,416
And it's got a place
for a toolbox and a cooler
104
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,084
and you can put a hibachi in it.
105
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:47,120
And, gosh, Richard's been saying
he's wanted that for years.
106
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,689
That would really
make him happy.
107
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,791
Then why didn't you ever
get it for him?
108
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,761
'Cause it would really
make him happy.
109
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,196
Wow.
110
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,298
Yeah. Give it ten years,
New Christine,
111
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,867
you'll get there.
112
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:02,202
You know, you can just call me
Christine.
113
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:03,937
I know.
114
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:08,208
Man, that's the longest
I've ever peed.
115
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,144
Huh. That is going to look
so good
116
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:12,813
on your college application.
117
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,215
Hey, Ritchie, have you decide
what you're going to get me
118
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,350
for my birthday?
119
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,518
I'm going to make you a card.
120
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,020
Oh.
Well, I love your cards,
121
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,723
but maybe you're old enough now
to start giving Daddy a gift
122
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,592
with those awesome cards
of yours.
123
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,194
But the card is a gift.
124
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,328
Mmm, not really, sweetie.
125
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:30,030
Okay, all right.
126
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,599
It's time for Daddy
and New Christine to go
127
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,733
so Mommy can bake a cake.
128
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,234
All right, we'll
see you later.
129
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,203
Bye. Thanks for your help.
Oh, sure.
130
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,238
I love you, Ritchie,
no matter what you get me.
131
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,374
But I know it'll be
something great. Get psyched.
132
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,810
Get out.
133
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,649
No.
134
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,250
I want to get him something
with my own money.
135
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:52,052
Well, uh, how much do you have?
136
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,721
I don't have any money.
137
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,323
But... how did you think
you were going to get a gift?
138
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:59,760
I don't know.
I'm freaking out.
139
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,228
Okay. Calm down.
140
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,963
There's another option.
141
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:06,434
Come here.
142
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,935
Now, I'm going
to show you something,
143
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,303
but you can't let anyone know
that I showed you.
144
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,339
Is it a chicken?
145
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,808
Why do you always guess chicken?
146
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,044
Voila.
147
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,912
The crappy gift cupboard.
148
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,915
Whenever anyone gets one of us
a lame present, it goes here,
149
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,384
where it will never disappoint
anyone ever again.
150
00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,554
Why are there so many
ice cream makers?
151
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:30,257
Because it turns out you can buy
ice cream already made.
152
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,925
Hey, check this out.
153
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,527
A complete magician kit.
154
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,395
I could do a magic show
for Dad's present.
155
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:36,697
Do you think he'd like that?
156
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:38,265
Uh, to put it this way--
157
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,701
I would love to see his face
when you give it to him.
158
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,069
This is better than a chicken.
159
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,137
Ooh, hey,
the crappy gift cupboard.
160
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,873
Hey, grab me one of those
ice cream makers.
161
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,441
I'm going to wrap it up
for Richard's birthday.
162
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,009
I think he gave that to you.
163
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,411
Yeah, I know. We've given it
back and forth four times.
164
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,113
It makes him so mad.
165
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,215
It's funny.
166
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,750
You're nice.
167
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,987
Oh, come on. I spent ten years
planning Richard's birthdays,
168
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,756
thinking of the perfect gift,
the perfect party,
169
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,493
the perfect way to wake him up.
170
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,960
(groans):
No.
171
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,762
Yeah, and let me
tell you something--
172
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:11,865
that's one torch I'm happy
to pass along to New Christine.
173
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,100
No!
174
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,768
Let's just say that the candles
175
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,837
aren't the only thing
getting...
176
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:17,971
Okay!
177
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,006
Come outside.
178
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,641
You've got
to see this.
What?
179
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:23,811
Come on! Come on!
What?
180
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,479
Come here, look.
You're not going to believe
What?
181
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,047
what New Christine
got me for my birthday.
182
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,582
I just heard,
183
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:31,018
and it's going to make my
gift look pretty lousy.
184
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,486
Isn't it beautiful?
185
00:07:32,553 --> 00:07:34,588
I don't know what
I'm looking at.
186
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,089
It's a truck bed extender.
187
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,791
A truck bed extender.
188
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,793
You have always wanted
one of those.
189
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,328
It's not just an extender.
190
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:42,896
It's a cargo
management system.
191
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,533
I can put my cooler here,
my blueprints in here.
192
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,767
It has everything.
193
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,068
Does it have a
hard hat holder?
194
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,436
Does it have a hard
hat holder?
195
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,971
I think
he's making fun of you.
196
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,640
I am.
197
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,074
I think it's awesome.
198
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,877
It sure is.
It seems like a great gift.
199
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:57,711
Are you kidding?
200
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,046
It's the perfect gift.
201
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,815
It's the best gift
I've ever gotten.
202
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,316
The best gift
for the best boyfriend.
203
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,019
(both groan)
204
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,454
I'm blown away.
205
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,822
You put so much thought
into this.
206
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,190
No one's ever does that
on my birthday.
207
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,759
What, are you kidding me?
208
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,228
For ten years I made your
birthday a national holiday.
209
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,830
Yeah, but your gifts sucked.
210
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,231
What?
211
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,835
The weekend getaways,
the-the breakfast in bed.
212
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,605
I kissed that Asian woman
in front of you.
213
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,973
That was on your birthday.
214
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,508
Oh, yeah.
215
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:31,344
It was a good birthday.
216
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,813
The point is though,
217
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,783
that I've given you some pretty
spectacular birthdays.
218
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,185
Yeah, but you know what
this says to me?
219
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,853
This says she knows me.
220
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,188
She gets me.
221
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,322
I do get you.
222
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,390
We get each other.
223
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:44,825
This is the best birthday.
224
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,359
NEW CHRISTINE:
For the best boyfriend.
225
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,895
From the best girlfriend.
226
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,631
Well, the gift was my idea,
not New Christine.
227
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:53,466
Me-- original Christine.
228
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,569
What?
229
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,174
Well, you know, I mean, maybe
I shouldn't have said anything.
230
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,111
Maybe?
231
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:07,547
I mean, you know,
the important thing is
232
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:10,183
that you got something
that you love.
233
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,885
So be happy.
234
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,987
I mean, yeah, there are
contractors in Africa
235
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,989
who don't even have a
truck bed to extend.
236
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,190
That's true.
Or a truck.
237
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,792
Or a bed.
238
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,127
They drive
around in elephants.
239
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,494
What are you doing?
240
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,996
I don't know.
No one's stopping me.
241
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,198
I guess it doesn't matter
whose idea it was.
242
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,000
It's the gift that counts.
243
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,636
Don't you mean it's the
thought that counts?
244
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,703
Whatever.
245
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:30,838
Yeah, you know, whatever.
246
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,940
RICHARD:
It's okay.
247
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,842
You still wrote me a nice card.
248
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,578
You wrote that, right?
249
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:39,947
Yes.
250
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,249
Come on,
let's take it for a spin.
251
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:51,524
Hey... Happy birthday.
252
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,960
Um...
253
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,164
Get psyched!
254
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,465
Ooh, look, the, um...
255
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,968
the Halperns painted
their house.
256
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:05,272
What is that, green or...? Hmm.
257
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:18,218
So, you feel okay
about how that played out?
258
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,519
Yeah, I feel fine.
259
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,888
You wouldn't do anything
differently?
260
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,390
Maybe the opposite
of what you did.
261
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,027
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
262
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,730
I told the truth
and the truth is never wrong.
263
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,431
Well, you lie
about your age.
264
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:36,169
And that's something I'm going
to try not to do in my 30s.
265
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,637
I see.
266
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,139
I mean, it's
not my fault
267
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,274
New Christine chose to
deceive her boyfriend,
268
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,711
then tried to
turn it around on me.
269
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,646
Oh, is that what happened
out there?
270
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,081
Yeah, pretty much.
271
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,649
Why couldn't you just
let Richard think
272
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:51,318
the gift was
New Christine's idea?
273
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,653
I don't know,
it just made me mad.
274
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:56,123
The way they were talking about
her being the best girlfriend
275
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,657
and him being
the best boyfriend.
276
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,959
You know, what about me?
277
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,660
Well, you're neither
of those things.
278
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:04,097
You're a 55-year-old
pathological liar.
279
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,199
She is only the
perfect girlfriend
280
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,667
because of me, okay?
281
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,503
I think I deserve
some-some credit.
For what?
282
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:13,707
(scoffs):
For giving her
the perfect gift suggestion,
283
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,608
making her
the perfect girlfriend,
284
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,678
and for turning
that self-absorbed goon
285
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,513
into the best boyfriend
she has ever had.
286
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,215
I did all that.
287
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:23,984
Wait, is this the same man
who cracks up anytime anyone,
288
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,954
in any context,
says "number two"?
289
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,490
Okay, he's no James Bond,
all right, but, I mean,
290
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:34,661
things like... thoughtful gifts
and weekends away
291
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,830
and poems
on New Christine's pillow.
292
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,131
You know, I made him.
293
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,699
So you introduced him
to poetry?
294
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,401
Yeah, among other things, yes.
295
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,403
You don't know any poetry.
I know poetry.
296
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,805
"Jack be nimble,
297
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,539
Jack be quick, Jack jump
over the candlestick."
298
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:47,741
That's a nursery rhyme.
299
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:50,243
It's poetry, okay,
and the point is
300
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,979
New Christine would not
have looked twice at that guy
301
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,013
if it wasn't for me.
302
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,114
I mean, what does it matter?
303
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,515
(sighs)
304
00:11:55,582 --> 00:12:00,287
Matthew, it's like an artist
who takes an empty canvas
305
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,155
and creates
this beautiful painting,
306
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,690
and when he's finished,
he puts his signature
307
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,192
right there in the corner.
308
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,827
And then when people walk
through the museum
309
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,728
and they look at this
gorgeous painting,
310
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,431
they say, "Oh, I like that.
311
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:14,234
That's a," um...
312
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:15,368
Uh...
313
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,703
Can't think of an
artist, can you?
314
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,405
Okay, that's not the point.
315
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,141
The point is
I want people to know
316
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,243
that the boyfriend
that Richard is today
317
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,978
is because of me,
all right?
318
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,481
That dimwitted chimp
319
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,284
is my masterpiece.
320
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,088
Maybe save that
for the birthday toast.
321
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,162
Sir, if you'll
just let me know
322
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:43,663
when the birthday boy
gets here,
323
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,965
I'll start bringing out
the appetizers.
324
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,499
The birthday boy is here.
325
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,500
You're the birthday boy?
326
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:48,802
Yep, the big four-one.
327
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,503
What's four-one stand for?
328
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,872
Forty-one.
329
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:54,274
And you're celebrating?
330
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,309
Just bring the
appetizers please.
331
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:57,410
Right away.
332
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,679
Hey.
Hey.
333
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:00,914
Hey, there they are.
334
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,549
Hey.
(chuckles)
335
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,885
You rented this whole room?
336
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,286
Yeah, remember last year?
337
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:08,155
That guy at the other table
had a birthday
338
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,990
and totally stole my thunder.
339
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:13,460
He was eight.
340
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,096
He was a jackass.
341
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,798
Hey, what do
you got there?
342
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,167
Is that
my present?
343
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,835
Yup. Hey, Mom,
can I go get it ready?
344
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,371
Yeah, yeah,
sure, honey.
Ooh,
345
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,638
it requires assembly.
346
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,673
I'm going to like it.
347
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,008
No, you're not.
348
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:30,978
What?
349
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,046
Happy birthday.
350
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,314
Where's New
Christine?
351
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,182
I don't know.
352
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,816
She should be here by now.
353
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:38,118
I'm getting a little worried.
354
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,486
And she's not answering
her phone.
355
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,088
Maybe she's upset.
356
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,489
Why would she be upset?
357
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:45,558
I wonder why she'd be upset,
Christine.
358
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,160
Me? How would I know?
359
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:50,163
I don't know what goes on
in their stupid relationship.
360
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:52,399
He probably said
something stupid.
361
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,268
I probably did.
362
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,904
She's mad at Christine
for telling you
363
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:57,804
about the truck bed extender.
364
00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,206
It was embarrassing.
365
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,773
Yeah, why did you have
to tell me about that?
366
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,342
That was mean.
And she's sensitive.
367
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,443
I'm sensitive.
368
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,112
I think you're sitting
on a fork.
369
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,584
Oh... thanks.
370
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,554
You had to be mean
to her on my birthday.
371
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,890
I wasn't trying to be mean.
372
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,091
It was my idea.
373
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,359
BOTH (groaning):
We know.
374
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:20,593
(sighs)
375
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:24,197
Fine, I'll apologize
when she gets here.
376
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,566
Happy birthday, Dad.
377
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,567
Hey!
378
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,202
It's an old-time villain.
379
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,704
No, I'm a magician.
380
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,807
I'm going to escape
from shackles and a sack.
381
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,709
Why?
It's your present.
382
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,411
Mm, not really, sweetie.
383
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,080
Oh... he loves it.
384
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:41,514
Go do your
trick, honey.
385
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,917
I will require the help
of my lovely assistant.
386
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,219
I'm the lovely assistant.
387
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,791
Hi.
388
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:52,892
Oh, look,
she's here.
389
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,427
Good.
390
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,029
Everything's fine.
I didn't do anything wrong.
391
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:56,964
Hi, sweetie,
I was getting a little...
392
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,932
I made a cake.
393
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,234
Oh... but...
394
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,470
I made my lemon Jell-O cake.
395
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,837
I make it every year.
396
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:05,939
Well, this year,
I made a cake, too.
397
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,941
Ah, well,
398
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:12,879
that's another idea
you got from me.
399
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,382
I didn't realize you invented
the birthday cake, Christine.
400
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,517
You must be even older
than I thought.
401
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,021
Baby, is everything all right?
402
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,723
Would somebody like
to test my shackles?
403
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:27,594
I'll test your shackles.
404
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,896
Shackles have been tested.
405
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,298
Behold!
406
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:32,799
My assistant will now...
Lovely assistant.
407
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,634
...lovely assistant
will now help me
408
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,069
into the airtight sack.
409
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,072
(mouthing)
410
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:43,310
Look, I don't care
if you baked a cake, too.
411
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:46,613
It's just that Richard
loves my lemon Jell-O cake.
412
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,415
It's kind of
a tradition.
413
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,317
Well, maybe it's time
for a new tradition.
414
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,652
Maybe it's time for my
triple-berry layer cake
415
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,387
with buttercream frosting.
416
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:58,291
Here, Richard,
try some.
417
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,327
It's not time for cake yet;
we haven't even had dinner.
418
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,662
Try the damn cake,
Richard.
419
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,235
Yum.
420
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,038
Oh, fine.
421
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,040
So your cake is good.
422
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,742
So what?
It's not a competition.
423
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,382
Okay, try mine.
424
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:30,557
Also yum.
425
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,026
So I guess
you both make great cakes.
426
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,961
It's a new birthday tradition.
427
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,730
All my women feed me cake.
428
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,971
I like it.
429
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,440
But which cake is better,
Richard, if you had to pick?
430
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,342
I don't have to pick.
He doesn't have to pick.
431
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,943
Pick, Richard. Which is it?
432
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,379
My new, moist, young cake
433
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,713
or Christine's old,
dried out, bitter cake?
434
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,682
(gasps)
435
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,450
How dare you?
436
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,319
My cake is not dried out,
all right?
437
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,621
The Jell-O makes it moist.
438
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,557
Oh, crap.
439
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,692
I think I'm stuck.
440
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,227
Assistant!
441
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:08,495
I'm here. Let
me just, uh,
442
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,897
Could you-- can you--
do you have it?
443
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,500
Now the lovely assistant will
take this sack of magician
444
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,703
to the kitchen to see
if they have scissors.
445
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,471
RITCHIE:
Behold!
446
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:22,875
So which is it?
447
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,477
(laughs)
Come on.
448
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,746
We don't want any fighting
on my special day.
449
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,381
Look, Richard.
450
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,318
I know you and this old, sour
cake have a lot of history.
451
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,353
But you need to decide
if you're ready for a new cake.
452
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,322
Because if you're not, there are
plenty of men out there
453
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,124
who would love to get a piece.
454
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:43,630
Yeah, well, old cake does
just fine, all right?
455
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,533
I mean,
maybe not so much lately,
456
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:50,103
but that's only because old cake
gets tired at night.
457
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,507
I like both cakes.
458
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,409
One cake is
the mother of my child.
459
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,745
The other cake is
my wonderful new girlfriend.
460
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,180
Equally delicious.
461
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,415
Damn it,
how long am I going to be new?
462
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,917
New girlfriend,
new cake, New Christine.
463
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:07,587
When are you going to let go
and let me just be Christine?
464
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,556
Why is it always a competition
with you?
465
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,692
Hey, you came to me for help.
466
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,195
And you had to let everybody
know that it was your idea.
467
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,763
You couldn't let me have
this one thing.
468
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,465
Yeah, well, it was my idea.
469
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,433
BOTH:
We know!
Well, it was.
470
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,203
Look, I don't care
whose cake he eats, okay?
471
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,372
I just thought I deserved
a little credit.
472
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,073
And maybe a thank you.
473
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,608
For giving me the idea?
474
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:33,079
(scoffs)
For building you
the perfect boyfriend.
475
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,381
The romantic poems,
476
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,316
the thoughtful getaways,
the blouses.
477
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:39,319
All that sweet, caring crap
that he does for you--
478
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,588
I taught him all that, okay?
479
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,723
So thank me!
480
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,228
You're kind of bringing down
the party.
481
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,534
Okay.
482
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:55,435
You're right.
483
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,003
You do deserve some credit.
484
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,506
I do?
485
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,308
Richard is a great boyfriend
486
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,910
and I know that you are
responsible for a lot of that.
487
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,247
Well, yes, I am.
488
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:12,552
And I appreciate
your being mature enough
489
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:14,787
to acknowledge my role in it.
490
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,624
So thank you.
491
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,927
Thank you for making Richard the
terrific man that he is today.
492
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,831
You're most welcome.
493
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,299
See?
494
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,134
That's all I wanted.
495
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:30,337
Great.
496
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,771
Back to the birthday.
497
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,506
But if you want
to take credit for Richard,
498
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:34,807
you can't just take credit
for the good things.
499
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:36,243
You have to take credit
for everything.
500
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,546
What are you talking about?
Uh-oh.
501
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:42,382
Well, because of you,
Richard has intimacy issues.
502
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,251
It took him three dates
to sleep with me
503
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,319
but six months to tell me
that he loved me.
504
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,954
So thank you for that.
505
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,656
Okay, well, I don't think
that that has anything...
506
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,558
And thanks to you,
the only way Richard knows how
507
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,560
to make a point in
a conversation is by yelling.
508
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,562
All right, well, he
didn't learn that from me!
509
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:58,565
Will you stop fighting?!
Both cakes are good!
510
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,567
And were you the one
who let him believe
511
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,769
that baby talk
in bed was sexy?
512
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,337
It's a wittle sexy.
513
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:10,577
(whispering):
Oh, my.
514
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,012
So if you want the credit
for Richard, take it.
515
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,348
All of it.
516
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,617
(clears throat)
517
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,320
I just wanted him to know
that I thought of a good gift.
518
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,754
And he does, so you win.
519
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,790
You've known him longer,
you know him better.
520
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:24,824
You're the original.
521
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:25,825
Happy?
522
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,595
(accordion playing)
523
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:29,962
* Happ... *
No, no, no, no.
524
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,264
Not yet, not yet.
525
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,605
No, I'm not
happy, okay?
526
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,608
Maybe I was a little petty.
527
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,510
A wittle?
Stop it.
528
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,283
Okay, I was petty.
529
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,220
I'm sorry...
530
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:55,955
Christine.
531
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,926
Thank you.
532
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,263
Okay.
533
00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:06,065
(clears throat)
All right.
534
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,436
There you go.
535
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:11,704
(clears throat)
I'm not actually much
of a hugger myself.
536
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,775
I have... my own intimacy
issues, so, um...
537
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,410
Why can't you just
let her hug you?!
538
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:20,146
I'm letting her hug me!
539
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,014
Behold!
Ooh!
540
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:23,316
Yay!
541
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:26,319
That's not really
my present, right?
542
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:57,984
(groans)
He's all yours.
37835
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