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1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,004
What are you doing?
2
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:05,906
I'm putting on lipstick.
3
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,475
For a parent/teacher conference?
4
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:10,344
Yeah. I always look nice
for these things
5
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,347
because I care
about our child's education.
6
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,150
Last year, for Mrs. Belt,
7
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,019
you showed up
in pudding-stained pajamas.
8
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,821
Yeah, well, I
care more now.
9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,690
I wonder why.
10
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,558
Hey. Sorry, I'm
running a little late
11
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:26,394
with this conference.
I'll be with you guys
in a minute.
12
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,728
Oh, well, we're fine, Daniel.
13
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,364
Take your time.
We're not going anywhere.
14
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,537
Daniel will be with us
in a minute.
15
00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,939
(scoffs)
You're still hot for teacher.
16
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:40,308
No, I'm not.
17
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,675
I mean, you know...
18
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:44,078
Mr. Harris and
I had a moment and
19
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,114
we both realized we're
attracted to each other,
20
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,515
but we can't do
anything about it
21
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:50,518
as long as we have
a kid at the school.
22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,421
When did you
and Mr. Harris have a kid?
23
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,723
Quiet.
We decided to be friends.
24
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,392
Friends? How are you
friends? You don't
even know him.
25
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,993
I know him well
enough not to wear
26
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,662
pudding-stained pajamas.
27
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,899
I don't understand
the big deal with you
and this guy.
Hmm.
28
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,935
Everybody else seems
to be able to control
themselves.
29
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:10,738
(laughing heartily)
30
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,005
Thanks again,
Mr. Harris.
31
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,341
Let's do this again soon.
32
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,742
Maybe next time, we'll
do it at my place.
33
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,844
Or mine! I have a pool.
34
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,581
Hello, Christine.
Hello, Richard.
35
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,982
Hi. Wow.
36
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,951
A little overdressed,
don't you think?
37
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,854
Well, we care about
our kids' education.
38
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,156
How are your kids doing?
39
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,491
Oh, I don't know.
They're probably fine.
40
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,294
(scoffs)
41
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,529
Well, that was embarrassing.
42
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,245
Like I say, he's performing
above grade level
43
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,846
in most subjects,
though he could stand
44
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,782
to put a few more
hours into biology.
45
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,418
We, uh... had a test
on the evolutionary process
46
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,119
and he seemed a little confused.
47
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,521
Really?
48
00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,490
Because I explained
the whole thing to him.
49
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,792
You know, how the animals
were all in the sea
50
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:07,060
and then they all got
together and, uh,
51
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,630
decided to crawl out
onto the land there.
52
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,800
That doesn't make sense.
53
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,268
How do we get birds?
54
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,069
Because once the animals
crawled onto the land,
55
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,539
the smart ones
learned to fly.
56
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,409
Right, like parrots.
57
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,744
And then language was born.
58
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,715
We have tutors
available for him.
59
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,350
Or for you.
60
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,886
Anyway, Ritchie's a great kid.
61
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,488
He's smart, he's happy, polite.
62
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,390
My only concern is socially.
63
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,425
What do you mean?
64
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,959
All the other kids like him,
65
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,529
he just doesn't really
have his own group.
66
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,298
During recess for example, while
the other kids are playing,
67
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,834
he stays with me
and helps me grade papers.
68
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,369
Now, sure it's less work for me,
69
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:51,339
but he doesn't have
any close friends.
70
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,973
But he's always
going on and on
71
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,542
about his best
friend Austin.
72
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,277
That's Mrs. Austin,
the 50-year-old
73
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:58,412
secretary
in the Admissions Office.
74
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,648
They have lunch
together every day.
75
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,316
I guess that explains
why he knows so much
76
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,885
about need-based
financial aid.
77
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:07,955
Ugh...
78
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,291
We better cancel
that sleepover.
79
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:14,428
Look...
It's not a problem.
80
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,330
I just want to bring it
to your attention.
81
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,899
Well, I mean, do you think
that there's something
that we should do?
82
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,468
Well, it may be a good idea
to get him
83
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,769
involved in some
after-school activities.
84
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,571
Is he interested
in sports at all?
85
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,773
(laughing)
86
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,276
What? That's a great idea.
87
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,278
Oh, come on.
He's not an athlete.
88
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,012
I gave him a Frisbee
once, he used it
89
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,181
to serve hors d'oeuvres.
90
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,616
Well, just to put it out there,
91
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,485
I'm the coach of the school
soccer team this year.
92
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,320
If Ritchie would like to join,
I'd be able to keep
93
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,988
an eye on him and, hey,
worst case scenario,
94
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:44,392
he can always serve
mid-game shrimp cocktails.
95
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,926
Yeah. I don't think
that sports
96
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,295
is the best idea
for Ritchie,
97
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:48,729
but we'll think
of something.
98
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,598
Thank you very much,
Mr. Harris.
99
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,700
Thanks.
I like
the sports idea.
100
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,537
Richard, you know how
I feel about competition.
101
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,472
You're one of the most
competitive people I know.
102
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:01,008
One of? Who is
more competitive than me?
103
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,175
Okay, you know,
Richard,
104
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,477
I am not having
this conversation
105
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,045
in front of our son's teacher.
106
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:08,148
It's completely
inappropriate.
107
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,950
Uh... Christine?
108
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,118
Yeah?
My hand.
109
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:12,853
Oh! Oh, sorry.
110
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,323
Oh, I got it a little
bit, uh, sweaty.
111
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:16,724
Sorry.
112
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,431
Nice.
113
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:29,737
No, I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
114
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,439
Ritchie has been
in sports.
115
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:32,506
He doesn't like it.
116
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,174
He always ends up quitting.
117
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,709
Because you let him quit.
118
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,345
He needs to learn
how to be a team player.
119
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,779
How to follow-through.
120
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:42,383
How to run without breaking
into a skip.
121
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:45,185
You know, he's the only boy
in his class
122
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:47,455
who can do a cartwheel.
123
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,759
That doesn't help me.
124
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,928
Besides, sports is how I made
all my friends growing up.
125
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:55,763
This'll be good for him.
126
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,431
I just don't want him exposed
127
00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:00,768
to that whole
jock/frat-boy world, you know?
128
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,536
Next thing you know,
he and his teammates will be
129
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:06,640
peeing on a tarp and using
it as a Slip 'n Slide.
130
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,976
We made it
to the state championship.
131
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,177
We were celebrating.
132
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,812
(groans)
133
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,781
And besides making friends,
I think it's time
134
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,816
Ritchie had more
male influence in his life.
135
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,685
And sports is a good way
to do that.
136
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,820
He has plenty of
male influence here.
137
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,121
Oh, hey, uh...
138
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,257
do these pants look
weird on my butt?
No.
139
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,626
Your butt looks good.
140
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:26,994
Really? 'Cause I can
wear the other ones.
141
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,896
You know what? Maybe go with
the other ones.
142
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,498
Okay, thanks, hon.
143
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:36,570
Bowling, the Army, anything.
We've got to man him up.
144
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,038
Alright, fine. Alright.
145
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:40,007
But I'm telling you,
I don't want him
turning into one
146
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,342
of those ape men who
goes around scratching
147
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,078
his junk and giving
girls the up-down.
148
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:47,548
What's the up-down?
149
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:49,750
You know, the up-down.
150
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,952
Hey.
151
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,253
Yep. I'm telling you,
152
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,156
he turns into a superjock,
I'm pulling the plug.
153
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:58,091
Fine.
Hey, Ritchie,
154
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,560
come here a minute, bud.
155
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,161
Sweetie, your dad
156
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,164
wants to sign you up
for a new sport.
Gymnastics?
157
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,633
No.
158
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:09,236
(quietly):
Good Lord.
159
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,472
How would you like
to join a soccer team?
160
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,273
No, thanks.
161
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,676
Because I did it
when I was your age.
162
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,478
You could make
some new friends
163
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,713
who aren't in menopause.
164
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:24,051
And I think you'd
have a good time.
So what do you say?
165
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,653
Is there dancing?
166
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,188
No, bud.
There's soccer.
167
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:29,990
Kicking and running
and passing.
168
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,224
And Mr. Harris is the coach.
169
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,292
I like Mr. Harris.
170
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:33,661
Great. Come on, bud.
171
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,028
I think there's
an old ball in the garage.
172
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,164
We can kick it around.
For what?
173
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,799
For soccer.
174
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,802
What, you're making him
play soccer?
175
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,104
No, we're not making him.
Richard is making him.
176
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,540
Oh, that is such a
bad idea. Trust me.
177
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:47,741
What are you talking about?
178
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,510
Don't you remember
when I was 12
179
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,445
and Mom made me play
flag football?
180
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,846
God, it was horrible.
181
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,615
I was running with the ball
in my first game
182
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,283
about to score a touchdown
183
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,651
and when one of the kids
pulled my flag,
184
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,119
my shorts came off.
185
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,688
And the thing was...
186
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,222
I wasn't wearing any underwear.
187
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,657
(gasps):
Oh.
188
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,960
One time, when I was
in seventh grade, my skirt got
189
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:10,564
caught in my...
Wow, really, I can't
tell one story about myself.
190
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,268
I thought it was over.
Go on.
191
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,837
Anyway, so my
shorts are down,
192
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,539
but I didn't realize
what had happened
193
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,873
and I just kept running.
194
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,209
And when I got to the end zone,
195
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,111
I didn't hear people cheering.
196
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,479
They were laughing.
197
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,814
You see, uh...
198
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,616
I hadn't gone
through puberty yet,
199
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,452
and from that day on,
they all called me...
200
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:37,424
...mushroom.
201
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,192
Oh...
202
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,566
No wonder you hate mushrooms.
203
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:49,002
Ew. Now I hate mushrooms.
204
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,739
It was traumatic for me.
I never played sports again.
205
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,041
And I never forgave Mom
for forcing me out there.
206
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,809
You don't think Ritchie's
gonna resent me
207
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,377
for making him play soccer,
do you?
208
00:07:57,444 --> 00:08:00,280
I don't know. I still have
unresolved issues with Mom.
209
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,050
I'm sorry about that.
210
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,484
That is a...
211
00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,754
a sad story.
212
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,292
Mushroom.
Okay.
213
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,494
Oh, come on,
it's funny.
214
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,363
Don't be so sensitive.
215
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,666
It's your little penis.
216
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,237
(cheering):
Come on, guys! Come on!
217
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,438
Well, this'll be fun.
218
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,740
Huh, Ritchie?
Mm-hmm.
219
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,109
You look so grownup
in your uniform.
220
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,844
I just want to
bite your tushie.
221
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,312
Christine, he's trying
to make friends.
222
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,346
Stop talking
about his tushie.
223
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:34,648
Mom?
Yeah?
224
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:38,018
These shorts feel
weird on my tushie.
225
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:40,353
Great job.
226
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,155
Okay, pal. Go warm up
with your team.
227
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,491
Okay.
Hey!
228
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,360
Hey, running.
No skipping.
229
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,096
Or hopping.
Why is he hopping?
230
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,998
Oh, I hope he's
gonna be okay.
231
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:53,500
He's gonna be fine.
He'll have fun.
232
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,868
So where's your
boyfriend, Mr. Harris?
233
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:59,072
Oh, please.
I don't care about him.
234
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:02,009
(gasps):
Oh, my God.
There he is.
235
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,147
Holy cow.
236
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,920
Welcome to the gun show.
237
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,825
Did you just give
him the up-down?
238
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,727
No. So.
239
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,096
Alright, I'm
gonna go say hi.
240
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,232
I'm going with you.
241
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,670
Hi, Daniel.
Hey.
242
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:30,871
Hi.
Hey, guys.
243
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,539
Hey.
Glad to see you
made it out.
244
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,341
Well, of course,
Mr. Harris.
245
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,508
Or should I call you coach?
246
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,576
You can call me Daniel.
247
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:37,711
Yeah. I already
call him that.
248
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,246
Right, Daniel?
Right?
Sure.
249
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,815
Yeah.
Listen, if you need
any help on the field,
250
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,084
uh, I played some
soccer in high school.
251
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,653
In fact, we got to
the state finals.
252
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:46,920
We lost, but...
253
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,255
it wasn't my fault.
I played great.
254
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,858
Okay. Well, thanks.
I'll let you know.
255
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,325
I'm not talking
candy league.
256
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,928
We were the real deal.
Our coach was Italian.
257
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,731
You wanna see my
bicycle kick?
No, he doesn't.
258
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,466
Okay, well... I'm gonna
go over there
259
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,301
and kick the ball around,
if you need me.
Okay.
260
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,603
Or if you just want to hang out.
261
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:11,879
Sorry. He's not
usually so... gay.
262
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,581
So what made you decide
to let Ritchie play?
263
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:15,916
Richard talked me into it.
264
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,384
I just don't want
Ritchie to turn
265
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,786
into one of those dumb jocks.
266
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,888
RICHARD:
Hey, Coach Harris,
look at me.
267
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,127
I think Ritchie's
gonna be fine.
268
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,096
Yeah.
The team's coed,
it's pretty low-key.
269
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,665
I'm just glad
you're his coach, you know.
270
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,266
You're not one
of those hard-core
271
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,569
sports freaks like I had
in school, you know?
272
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,906
They were like,
"Run, Christine.
273
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,141
"Don't be such
a poor sport, Christine.
274
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:43,744
Put out that cigarette,
Christine."
275
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,378
(both laughing)
276
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,446
Catholic school, huh?
277
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,081
Right.
Ah.
278
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,154
This is nice.
Talking, joking.
279
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:55,522
Hmm.
Friendly.
280
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,324
Yeah, we're such
good friends.
281
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,092
I could go away for
the weekend with you.
282
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,830
Yeah. I'd shave my legs
and bring my good underwear.
283
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,397
So would I.
284
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:05,866
(both laughing)
285
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,870
Uh... yeah. Well...
286
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,839
Um... I think I'll go,
287
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,140
uh, set up my chair.
288
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,607
Yeah, I'm-a go
coach something.
289
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,609
Okay.
(mouths words)
290
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,278
Okay.
291
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,089
He's been running
around for an hour.
292
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,792
Do you think he's okay?
Do you think he's too hot?
293
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,260
Well, he ain't too ugly.
294
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,195
What?
295
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:38,598
Okay, baby.
Do your thing.
296
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,168
Oh, God. Will you stop?
297
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,771
You're embarrassing
yourself. He likes me.
298
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,739
(whistles blows)
Oh, good,
299
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,074
they're
taking a break.
300
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,176
Hey. Having fun
out there?
Hi!
301
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,278
Yeah, I am.
Oh, honey, you're doing great.
302
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,213
You're running around,
you're kicking the ball.
303
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,349
Is that sweat?
Don't wipe it off.
I wanna see it.
304
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,418
And I made some new friends
from the team.
305
00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,686
What?
Oh!
306
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,288
That's great.
New friends?
307
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,123
Is it okay if they come over
after the game to play?
308
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,724
Yeah, why not?
Of course they can.
309
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,494
Cool!
Yeah, cool.
310
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,398
Told you this would work.
311
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,933
Dads know.
312
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,768
Ritchie's one
of the guy's now.
313
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,637
This is what happens
when you listen to me.
314
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,172
Mom, Dad,
315
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,809
this is Madison, Heidi
and Julie, my friends.
316
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,610
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
317
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,678
(girls giggling)
318
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,048
(laughing)
319
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,792
(girls screaming)
320
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,593
Ritchie, Ritchie!
321
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:41,761
Where are you going?
322
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,396
I don't know.
323
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,899
They said it would be better
if I just did what they said.
324
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,935
(laughs)
I used to play that game.
325
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:51,771
Oh, yeah, what'd you used to
call it? Marriage.
326
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:53,006
Christine, this
isn't working.
327
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,707
I'm pulling him
out of soccer.
328
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,444
Maybe we'll
try football. Or prison.
329
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,112
Why? He's having a great time.
330
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,580
But the whole point
was to get him
331
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:01,882
to socialize
with other boys.
332
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,951
No, Mr. Harris
didn't specify boys.
333
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,819
He just said "socialize,"
and he's socializing.
334
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,287
He meant boys,
Christine.
335
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,556
You don't know what he meant.
He said "friends."
336
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,924
Friends can be boys or girls.
337
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,425
Why don't we ask Mr. Harris
what he meant?
338
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,127
Fine, we'll ask him first thing
in the morning.
339
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,495
In the morning? Good.
340
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,297
I can wear my new shirt.
341
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,399
Okay, you're embarrassing
yourself.
342
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,934
Hey, Mushroom.
343
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,571
Not cool.
344
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,608
I have made a decision.
345
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,010
And I second it.
346
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:32,579
That natural deodorant is
not working.
347
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,047
What? No.
348
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,649
I, I was gonna confront Mom
about the football incident.
349
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,152
Oh, oh.
Confront Mom, you say.
350
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:42,956
Oh, well, that's, um,
that's even better.
351
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,892
I just can't hang on
to my anger anymore.
352
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,326
It's not healthy.
353
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,161
Yeah, well, that's
not the way our family operates.
354
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,729
We don't talk about our anger.
355
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:53,100
We hold on to it and push it
down until it seeps out
356
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,435
in mean and inappropriate jokes
at Thanksgiving.
357
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,304
Well, I don't want
to ruin Thanksgiving,
358
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,705
but I got to get this
off my chest.
359
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:00,040
So what are you gonna say?
360
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,442
Well, uh, I jotted
all my thoughts down.
361
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,978
Whoa! Ugh!
362
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,780
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Alright, try 'em out on me.
363
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,482
I'll be Mom.
364
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:10,918
Okay.
365
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:14,054
Okay, just imagine that I've
just told some rambling story
366
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,923
with no point
that's vaguely racist.
367
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,725
Got it.
Go.
368
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,094
Uh, hey, Mom, it's Matthew.
369
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:24,664
Am I on the speakerphone?
Take me off the speaker.
370
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,033
You're not on speakerphone.
371
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,867
Why didn't you return my call?
372
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,269
You called?
I didn't get a message.
373
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,770
That's because you're
not organized.
374
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:33,406
Did you throw away that
organizer that I sent to you?
375
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,042
Wait, how does she know
about the organize--
376
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,743
Don't ask your sister.
377
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,478
I'm sorry.
I love you. I'm sorry.
378
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,313
Put your sister on.
379
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,082
(whispering):
I'm not here.
380
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,055
Happy Thanksgiving.
381
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,892
(laughing):
I really don't
see a problem.
382
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,427
Really?
383
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,329
I thought the whole point was
to get him to socialize.
384
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,132
You know, guys with guys,
like you and me.
385
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,833
Yeah, and I said that
there's nothing wrong
386
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,970
with girls and guys
being great friends,
387
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,604
like you and me.
388
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,806
It makes sense that Ritchie
would hang out with girls.
389
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,341
Uh, they're more mature
at this age
390
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,078
and Ritchie's a smart,
sensitive kid...
391
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:14,414
who does a great cartwheel.
392
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,815
I think it's nice.
393
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,884
Yeah, yeah, that's
what I said.
394
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,319
You and I are on
the same page.
395
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,920
Well, he and I were
on the same page
396
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,055
with the soccer, so...
397
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,357
So? So, so, so, so what?
398
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,725
So he's got more
than one page
399
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:26,793
and you're not
always on it.
400
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:29,029
Sometimes I'm on it.
401
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:32,365
You know what? I, I don't even
know what you're saying, okay?
402
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,003
Are we done here?
'Cause I'd really like to be.
403
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,741
Hey, guys.
Hey.
404
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,011
Ritchie, weren't you supposed
to have a play date
with the girls?
405
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,013
I did.
406
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,114
Well, what happened?
407
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,581
You want to tell 'em
what happened?
408
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,584
No, thank you.
409
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,520
I was talking to Dad, trying
to figure out the best time
410
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,522
to call Mom when she wouldn't
be in a bad mood.
411
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,325
Oh, yeah, what time did
you come up with?
412
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,895
Anyway, I left the kids
playing in Ritchie's room
413
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:07,100
while I was on the phone,
and when I came back,
I caught him.
414
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,335
What were you doing?
415
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,703
I was just playing house
with my friends.
416
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,472
And...?
417
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:15,342
And I was the husband,
so I kissed them.
418
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,145
Ritchie.
419
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,447
All three of 'em?
420
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,689
Ritchie, those girls
are your friends,
421
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:32,025
and you don't kiss your
friends, you don't.
422
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,362
No matter how much you
want to, you don't.
423
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:37,730
Alright, listen.
424
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,999
Go upstairs and get going
on your homework,
425
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,301
and I'll be
right there.
426
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,770
(sighs)
Okay.
427
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,238
(sighs)
428
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:47,040
Don't feel bad,
it's just nature.
429
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,642
No, I don't accept that.
430
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,045
Listen, Matthew, you have
friends that are girls, right?
431
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,713
Sure.
That you haven't
slept with?
432
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,548
Oh, no.
433
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:56,783
Wait, one.
434
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,285
Oh, no.
435
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,421
No.
436
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,957
(girls screaming and giggling)
437
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,994
What, the girls are still here?
You didn't send them home?
438
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,596
I didn't know what to do.
They're bossy.
439
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:13,700
They called me Superdork, so
I just grabbed Ritchie and ran.
440
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,436
Ritchie! Ritchie!
441
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,773
(door opens)
Man.
442
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,475
All three.
443
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:27,013
Yeah, because, you know,
Ritchie, you're a great kid
444
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,382
and you skip to the beat
of your own drummer,
445
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:30,850
and I love that about you.
446
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,486
So if you want to play
soccer, you play soccer,
447
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,455
and if you want to
quit, you can quit.
448
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,690
I don't want to quit.
I like soccer.
449
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,725
Oh, good.
450
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,128
And I like having three wives.
451
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,198
(sighs)
Uh, okay, honey,
you know what?
452
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,500
Go out and play, and
we're going to talk more
453
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,735
about this when
you get home.
454
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,270
Okay.
Okay.
455
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,475
Well, look who's
the first one here.
456
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:56,976
You know, at some point,
you and your ex-husband
457
00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:59,078
are gonna have to figure
things out for yourselves
458
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,347
or I'm gonna start charging you.
459
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,750
Oh...
No, no, he's not here.
460
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,051
Good.
461
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,486
You know,
I had six hang-ups from him
462
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,956
on my caller I.D. at home.
463
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,259
Oh, yeah, you know, he just
wants to be your friend.
464
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,494
He's a little nervous.
465
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,529
So how's Ritchie doing
with the girls?
466
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:21,000
Uh, great.
He's got three wives now.
467
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,203
Uh, you know,
maybe we were wrong.
468
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,105
Maybe girls and boys
can't be friends.
469
00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,340
Sure they can.
470
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,777
Well, I guess,
more specifically,
471
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,212
I can't be your friend.
472
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:35,815
I-I haven't had a single
friendly thought about you
473
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,618
since the first time I met you.
474
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,387
Yeah, I guess
I don't usually practice
475
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,722
how I'm gonna say good morning
to my friends.
476
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,793
By the way, um...
477
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,328
Good morning.
478
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:54,501
That is unbelievable.
479
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,636
I practiced.
Yeah.
480
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,439
I don't usually imagine
myself stranded in a ski lodge
481
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,475
with my friends, you know,
and then the power goes out
482
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,811
and we have to huddle
together for warmth
483
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:08,815
'cause a, a polar bear ate
our clothes or something.
484
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,952
So what do we do?
485
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,187
Uh...
486
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,590
well, we, we build a fire,
487
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:22,895
and then, um, I find a
bottle of champagne, and...
488
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,198
No, I mean, what do we do now?
489
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:26,833
Oh, oh.
490
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:34,040
Well, um, you know, you're
a teacher and I'm a parent,
491
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,477
so, uh, we can never
really be more than friends.
492
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,346
And we're not friends.
493
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:43,115
Yeah. So I guess we'll just have
to limit our contact.
494
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,619
Right. Yeah, I mean, you know,
strictly business from now on.
495
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,187
That's gonna have to go
for your ex-husband, too.
496
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:51,824
Ugh, he'll be crushed.
497
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,894
And I guess, eventually,
we'll get over this.
498
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,229
Right.
Right?
499
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,064
Right, yeah, oh, yeah,
I mean, you know,
500
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:00,767
you'll meet someone or I'll meet
someone, or, you know--
501
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:05,037
I mean, chances are you'll meet
someone first, but...
502
00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:07,940
You know. Maybe not,
I don't know, you never know.
503
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:08,975
(laughs)
504
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,343
Okay, then. Okay.
Okay.
505
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,479
(both chuckle)
506
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:24,357
I am going to go lie down,
I'll see you around.
507
00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:30,497
Listen, all I'm asking is for
you to see me for who I am, Mom.
508
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,499
I mean, y-you shouldn't have
forced me to play sports,
509
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,100
and I need you
to acknowledge that.
510
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,569
I know it was a long time ago,
511
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:39,038
but I don't feel like you and I
can move forward
512
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,407
until we deal with this.
513
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,209
Okay.
I'm glad we did this.
514
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,211
Yeah, um...
515
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:47,079
(laughs)
That felt good.
516
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,681
That felt good.
517
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,719
Uh... so when you get
this message, call me back.
518
00:20:58,825 --> 00:20:59,892
(phone ringing)
519
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,294
(whimpering)
37253
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