Original subtitles

Hi. May I help you?

I'm Christine Campbell.

I don't see your name on the list.

Who are you visiting?

Carl. Mm.

We have this conversation every day.

I'm not visiting anyone.

I'm dropping my son off at school.

Oh. Yeah, I, uh...

I can't let you in; your sticker's expired.

I know, but the lady who gives out the replacement stickers

is only here between 10:00 and 1:00

and I can't make it 'cause I have a job.

I also tell you that every day.

Mmm. I don't think so.

Look, I can't just let you in without a sticker.

What if it turns out you're a crazy?

Why? Why would I be a crazy?

Because your car is filled with garbage and, uh...

that thing that's happening with your right eye.

That's, that's not garbage, that's recycling.

And there's nothing wrong with my eye.

You're wearing pajamas.

Yes, yes.

I overslept. Okay?

60% of Americans oversleep.

We're a majority.

In fact, we could probably elect our own president.

Though, we'd probably oversleep on Election Day.

Ritchie?

Hey, Carl.

You're Ritchie's mom?

Every day.

Oh, okay, go ahead.

Have a good one.

Crazy.

I'll show you crazy.

Call me crazy.

Mom, who are you talking to?

Nobody, honey.

(whispering): Ritchie.

Ritchie.

Oh, my God.

Ritchie!

Hi, Mom.

Honey,

when you were leaving the car before

and I asked you if you had everything,

why did you say "yes"?

I do have everything.

Do you have your backpack?

Darn it.

It's right here, honey.

You left it in the car.

Oh. Thanks, Mom.

Okay. Good luck.

Oh, darn it.

Hello, Christine.

Good morning.

Hi.

Well, someone got dressed up today.

Big date?

Important job interview? Meeting at the White House?

Tea with the queen? Drinks with the ambassador?

Okay, I get it.

Obviously, I didn't plan on coming to school

in my nightie, but I overslept.

It's my only day off; I've got a lot to do.

I've got to take in my recycling.

I've got to go to the market.

I've got to finish my application for Amazing Race,

I have to tell my parents I'm divorced, I...

It's a busy day.

Have fun at the museum opening.

And the royal wedding. The inauguration.

You're wearing pajamas.

I ran out.

Well, Marly, I may be wearing my pj's, but at least

I have my original face.

(groans)

That looks better.

(sighs)

(beeping)

(crashing)

What the...?

(moaning)

I told you I felt something.

Yeah, you felt something.

You felt my sweet little car being crushed by your bulldozer.

Now, hold on, PJ's.

I was already backing up when you came barreling into me.

Barreling?

My car doesn't barrel.

I'd probably go faster in a barrel.

Besides, if I'd seen your monster truck,

(chuckling): I wouldn't have backed out.

Well, how could you have seen me?

Your car is filled with garbage.

No, that's... That's not garbage!

It's recycling, okay?

I care about the environment.

I drive a Prius.

Unlike you, who drives an oil rig.

Hey, I do plenty for the environment.

You should see how green my lawn is-- year-round.

That's true. Her water bills are enormous.

Thank you.

Christine, I have to go shopping.

Some of us don't have the luxury of a day off.

Look, it's no big deal.

I mean, we'll just each pay for our own damage.

Damage? You don't have any damage.

Why should I pay if it wasn't my fault?

Hey, Lindsay, didn't you see

I was backing out when Marly smashed into me?

Oh. To be honest,

I wasn't really paying attention.

Um, I was trying to adjust the heated seats.

Last time I was in Marly's car,

I had on a skirt, and I got a mark

in a place that was difficult to explain to my husband.

Christine, your car has seats, right?

Or are they bad for the environment?

That was good. All right, let's get out of here.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't just leave the scene of an accident.

(car starting)

Well, who's going to take care of my car?!

(wailing)

Hey, that's a nickel.

Frankfort.

And how do you remember that?

I just remember.

No, Kentucky makes you think

of Kentucky Fried Chicken,

which makes you think of Colonel Sanders.

And who's another funny colonel?

Colonel Klink, who is German

and what's a city in Germany?

Frankfort.

That's ridiculous.

He can't remember all that.

Here's the way to do it.

You've got to turn it into a little song.

(to tune of "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain): * Oh... the capital *

* Of Kentucky is Frankfort *

* Oh, the capital of Iowa is Des Moines. *

* Oh, the capital of California is Saca-ramento *

* And that's how you remember some of the capitals. *

What?

Smart guys turn me on.

You know, I'm not a bad person.

Do you realize half our conversations begin

with you saying either "I'm not a bad person"

or "Don't let me eat that"?

I'm serious.

Those women are horrible.

They're so different from me.

You know, they made fun of me for being an environmentalist?

You're an environmentalist?

I'm more of an environmentalist than that stupid Marly.

You should see the gas-guzzler she drives.

I don't want to think how many harp seals

it takes to run that thing.

You don't know a lot of facts

about the environment, do you?

Here's what I know.

I know that she hit me.

But I'm the one here about to pay for a rental car

while my car is getting fixed.

Just let your insurance pay for it.

I can't; my insurance rates are already through the roof

because of that time I got caught in the carpool lane.

I still think it should count if you're pregnant.

But you weren't pregnant.

None of us know that for sure.

May I help the next customer in line?

Yeah. Um... I need to rent a car for a week.

Something small with good gas mileage-- no leather.

I mean, I eat meat, but... only free-range meet.

Yeah, she has a collection

of free-range shoes and belts at home.

Okay.

(clears throat)

Well...

I, uh, I can hook you up with a tricked- out luxury SUV

just like the one from the Jay-Z episode of Pimp My Ride.

An SUV?

No way. No.

I drive a Prius; it gets 45 miles to the gallon.

Does the SUV get 45 miles to the gallon?

Not even in Park.

Yeah.

But, since it is our only car left in stock,

I can give it to you for the same size as a midsize.

It's just for a week.

I'm not driving you to another rental car company

in rush hour traffic-- take the SUV.

Oh. I don't want people looking at me,

thinking I'm one of those obnoxious,

gluttonous, superficial soccer moms,

whose whole identify is wrapped up

in the car that they drive.

I won't do it.

(metallic banging and clanging)

They pimped my ride.

* Oh-oh, oh, oh. *

This is awesome.

THX sound system, voice-activated navigation.

What kind of engine?

5.4-liter three-valve V-8?

All I know is my seat just gave me a shiatsu massage

while I watched Shrek in hi-def, all while keeping me

at a comfortable 72 degrees, so, yeah, it drives good.

(laughs)

My old boyfriend used to drive a truck like this.

It was too big for me.

I mean, I like your truck.

It's small, but it gets you where you want to go.

I hate my tiny truck.

Am I getting fat?

Come on, guys, it's just a car.

Well, then why'd you drive us 50 miles of our way to get home?

I was just following the navigation system.

And... he wanted to see the beach.

Okay, come on. Get out.

I don't want the NASA foam sheets

to memorize your shape.

I hate my shape... and my hair.

I could never drive an SUV, because I love the environment.

CHRISTINE: I do, too.

I almost never wear pantyhose anymore.

I'm a huge environmentalist.

Please look that word up.

(machine beeps)

I'm calling for Christine Campbell.

This is Craig Lewis from Lipson Heller Insurance

Our client, Mrs. Marly Ehrhardt, has filed a claim against you.

Please call us at 310-927...

I cannot believe...

She's filing a claim against me?

I was fine paying for my damages to avoid making waves.

Wow.

This time she has really crossed a line.

I am so tired of her pushing me around.

She thinks she's better than me

just 'cause she drives a giant car?

Guess what-- I drive a giant car, too.

And mine is bigger, better, and badder.

Badder.

Bad. Bad Santa. Santa Claus.

Capital of New Mexico: Santa Fe.

How do you remember the "Fe"?

You just do.

(groans)

I don't have a sticker.

This guy's going to give me a hard time again.

I don't have a sticker.

Oh, you don't need a sticker with this car.

Have a nice day.

Wow.

I love our new car. Yeah.

It's so cool being bigger than everyone.

Yeah, well, don't get too used to it,

because we get our stupid dinky car back next week.

And you come from a long line of short.

And cute.

Have fun, buddy. Thanks, Mom.

MARLY: Christine...

is that you we saw climbing out of that luxury SUV?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, it was.

Well, boy, you're going to be able to fit

a lot of garbage in that one.

(both laughing)

You know, I cannot believe

that you called your insurance company

after we agreed that we would handle it ourselves.

Oh, well, I went home

and discussed it with my husband...

Oh, sorry.

And we agreed to put it through to insurance.

Oh, sorry again.

Hey, I have insurance.

Not American insurance, but...

You know what?

If you want to play rough, we can play rough.

All right, here's the bill.

$1,231.15. Okay?

That includes a new rear end for my Prius,

a week of a rental car, and $1.15 worth of cans.

What do you want me to do with this?

You hit my car-- I want you to pay it.

I thought we decided that you hit my car.

No, no, you decided that, okay?

But in reality, we both know that you hit my car.

So pay up... woman.

Okay, well, I have a bill for you to repair my Hummer.

It's going to cost you $3,000.

Or to put it in your currency, about 60,000 cans.

So start drinking... woman.

$3,000 for what?

There wasn't even a scratch on your car.

You cracked one of my safari lights.

Oh, well, you're going to need those.

Its almost rhinoceros season here in Los Angeles.

Marly, it is my word against yours.

Well, not quite.

I actually have witnesses who saw you hit my car.

Witnesses? You don't have witnesses.

You have witnesses?

Heidi.

Heidi was in the backseat of my car when you ran into me.

No, she wasn't.

She was.

Tell her, Heidi.

She came out of nowhere,

and she had liquor on her breath.

Thank you.

I smell marijuana. Yeah, that's enough.

And Lindsay was with me.

What...? No, she said she didn't see it.

She said she was too busy playing with her seat.

Yeah, well, now I remember

looking up from playing with my seat

when I heard your car barreling toward Marly's truck.

And?

And I said, "Watch out, crazy old Christine is about

to barrel into your truck."

And?

And you're very pretty?

I don't know what else you want me to say.

That's okay; you've already said enough

to prove the accident was Christine's fault.

Now what's going on with your eye?

Lindsay.

(eerie music playing)

Great. Watching a scary movie in hi-def

in the backseat of an SUV,

eating microwave popcorn

and getting cold drinks out of the mini-fridge.

Yeah, it's so old-fashioned.

So what happened? Is Marly going to pay for your car?

No, she handed me a bill for her car.

It costs, like, more than my house.

God, I hate that dump.

I don't get this.

Thought she lived in a well.

How come she's coming through the TV?

It's because they want you to ask a thousand questions

so no one can watch the movie.

What's wrong with her eyes?

Just watch!

The father's about to get it. Get what?

(all yelling)

I thought you were going to stand up to Marly.

Yeah, well, that was the plan, and then she brought in

all her stupid friends to lie for her,

saying it was my fault.

They are so awful.

Every single one of them, too-- no ethics.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to fight fire with fire.

She can bring people in to lie for her.

I'll have Matthew lying for me.

You are going to say you were in the backseat

underneath the recycling.

And then you hit your head.

Now you can't work or... see colors.

Forget it-- get someone else to lie for you.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

I'll get Ritchie.

He can't even remember what he had for breakfast this morning.

If I tell him he was in the car with me, he'll believe it.

Maybe I'll even let it slip that Marly's husband

is sleeping with her maid,

because he is.

How does that help your case?

It establishes character, habeas corpus.

I'm not going to let you have Ritchie lie for you.

Come on, everybody lies.

Caveat emptor.

Stop it. What are you talking about?

I know my legal rights.

You know three Latin words.

What's going on with you?

Ever since you've got this car you've changed.

I haven't changed.

What are you doing?

The gardener will pick it up.

You don't have a gardener.

Well, I'll get one.

How much can that cost?

Look at you.

Lying, littering.

This is not the woman I divorced.

You're becoming one of them.

No, I'm not.

You spent $300 on gas yesterday

and told a homeless guy to get a job.

Hey, it's good advice.

I'm fine.

No, you're gross.

What? No, I'm not.

Because I like this car,

because I like a hydraulic lift every once in a while?

I like sitting up high looking down on everyone.

If you don't like it, get out of my ride.

Okay, well, that was a little bit gross.

I don't know what it is.

I think it's this car.

It's got some sort of evil power.

(all scream)

(screaming)

Are you saying it was Marly's fault?

Yeah.

She can't check her blind spots 'cause she doesn't have

any slack left in her neck.

I knew it.

This is great.

Let's go over to Marly's right now and confront her.

No, uh-uh, I can't betray Marly.

Uh-uh, she's my friend.

We have a complex relationship that very few people understand.

You want her to like you, so you do what she says?

Okay, maybe it's simpler than I thought.

Why did you bother telling me this

if you're not going to help me?

There might be another way I can help you.

Oh.

What would you say if I told you

the school recently spent over $100,000

installing a high-tech video surveillance system

that captures everything on tape?

Okay, um...

that doughnut was still in the bag

and it hadn't touched anything else in the trash can.

What are you talking about?

Uh... what are you talking about?

There's a tape of your accident.

Oh, there's a tape? Of my accident?

But you didn't hear it from me.

Why did you tell me this?

Because I know the difference between right and wrong.

I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a liar.

I mean, sure I lie.

Everyone lies.

I like what you've done to your house, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

See you at school. Okay.

Hey.

Oh.

I have something for you.

Oh, good. A check?

No, even better...

a video of you hitting my car.

Yep.

It turns out that everything that happens

here at Westbridge is captured on videotape.

So I think someone owes someone an apology.

Yeah.

No, Marly, you.

You owe me an apology.

Not only for hitting my car,

but for making my life hell

for the last year and a half.

You think you're better than me, but you're not.

The wealth of a person is not measured by their possessions.

The wealth of a person is measured by their values.

Here's $2,000.

And I accept your apology.

Oh, Mommy gets to keep the big boy

for another week.