Original subtitles

No, I've tried that already.

My Internet is not responding at all.

Oh, I should go to your web site for online support?

And, uh, do you suggest I use a tin can and a string

to connect to your web site?

Yes, that's sarcasm.

Yes, I'll hold.

Matthew, just hang up.

We don't need the Internet.

And the only thing you use it for is to Google yourself.

Hey, pal, where are you going?

Back to the wife and kids?

Daddy's picking me up. Is he here yet?

Is he on his way? Should I go wait outside?

Ritchie, relax, okay?

Daddy doesn't pick you up till Friday.

Yeah, but it's only Tuesday.

It's Thursday.

It is? Yeah.

Wait, is it next Thursday or last Thursday?

I'm just lost without my Internet.

So I have to wait until tomorrow?

You know, sweetie, when you say that,

it kind of makes me feel like you'd rather be with Daddy

than be here with me.

That's not true, is it, sweetie?

You like being with Mommy

as much as you like being with Daddy, right?

Ouch.

Oh, come on. We have a great time here.

In fact, this afternoon,

how would you like to go play mini golf?

With Daddy?

Ouch.

No, with me.

Sure. Can Daddy come?

Ouch.

No, it's gonna be just you and me.

Yeah, fun. Go get your jacket.

Oh, wait a minute, sweetheart.

Have you finished your homework? Most of it.

Oh, well, before we go play,

you need to finish your homework and then

we're gonna have a lot of fun.

Oh, wait, darling.

Did you write that thank you note to Grandma

for that thing that smells like Grandpa?

Not yet.

Okay, well, then go finish your homework,

write the the thank-you note, and then we'll go play mini golf

and have a lot of fun.

Fine. Okay.

Oh, Ritchie, wait, wait, wait.

Um,

You need to get started building

that California mission project.

It's due on Monday.

Anything else?

No, just finish your homework,

write that thank-you note to Grandma,

get started on the mission project,

and then we are gonna have so much fun,

I wouldn't be surprised if the Fun Police came

and put us in fun jail and threw away the fun key.

Will Daddy be in fun jail?

Ouch.

Okay, so, Ritchie, go put your backpack away

and I'll see you later, okay, bud?

Hey, Mom? Yeah?

Today's Friday, right?

Yeah, Ritchie, you just asked me that.

Yay! Friday!

What happens on Friday?

Does the check come?

No, he, uh, he goes with his Dad.

They go to the movies, play laser tag, stay up late,

and for some reason, he really looks forward to it.

And you're all alone?

How do you fill that hole?

There's no hole.

Wine.

So how's Ritchie's mission project coming along?

You know it's due on Monday.

Yeah, I know. It's coming along.

He's gathering materials, brainstorming.

What, you mean, he hasn't even started yet?

Christine, it's the mission project.

Yeah, I know. He's got two days.

Oh, no.

What?

It's the most important project of the year.

The mission model is the culmination

of the whole semester on California history.

I mean, if your child's a subpar, well,

that'll haunt him for the rest of his school career.

Come on. It's fourth grade.

When I was in fourth grade,

I was still making retainers out of paper clips

and practicing kissing my pillow.

Well, I'm sure that pillow still gets

a lot of attention, Christine.

Look, you're at a top Los Angeles private school.

Everyone of these kid is competing

for the same few spots at the top high schools.

High school? Yeah.

Where they'll be competing

for the same few spots at the top colleges.

College?

You're thinking about college already?

I still bite his tushie when he gets out of the shower.

Should we tell her about you-know-who? No.

Who's you-know-who?

Ugh, fine. Eh.

We have a mission guy.

Seth, he works at the crafts store.

For the right price, he'll build your kid's mission.

Guaranteed "A" or your money back.

Are you kidding me? That's unethical.

Shouldn't the kids do their own work?

That's sort of a lazy approach to parenting,

isn't it, Christine?

Are you still on hold?

Yeah, yeah, but it's getting better.

I went through a three-hour block of jazzy standards,

but now we're into The Best of Bread.

Uh, what's all that stuff?

It's art supplies for Ritchie's mission project.

It's due on Monday,

which means they're gonna have to work on it

all weekend long at Richard's.

That means no movies, no laser tag, no fun.

(chuckles smugly)

You're a nice person.

Come on.

I'm tired of always having to be the responsible parent.

Oh, here's my razor.

Why don't you just hang up?

You know, I think I will. To hell with this, huh?

Right.

Ooh, Christopher Cross,

"Arthur's Theme."

God, I wish I had someone to make love to right now.

Hi.

I hope that wasn't my last wish.

Is Ritchie ready yet?

Yeah. You guys know what you're doing this weekend, right?

Yeah. I'm taking him to the USC game. He loves it.

Well, he loves peeing in that trough.

And then we're going to the science museum.

He loves peeing there, too.

Sorry to have to ruin all that urinary fun,

but Ritchie's mission project is due on Monday

and he hasn't even started it yet.

That's okay.

He can do it here when I bring him back Sunday night.

I mean, this is the homework house.

No, no, no. It's too late.

I don't wanna be the homework house.

This weekend, you get to be the homework house.

Can't happen.

A) I live in an apartment,

and B) I'm naturally fun.

Richard, this is important.

Christine, come on. It's fourth grade.

Richard, this is private school, okay?

It's very competitive.

If he doesn't do well on this project,

he could wind up at some...

two-year junior college in Nevada.

I went to a two-year junior college in Nevada.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Okay, we'll do the project.

Okay, thank you very much. Alright.

I'm gonna check and see if Ritchie's ready.

Hey, Ritchie? Your dad...

Bye, Mom.

I-I love you, honey.

No, darling, no.

You have to stay at Daddy's the whole weekend.

(horn honking)

He'll be fine.

(horn continues honking)

(music playing over phone)

WOMAN: Thank you for your patience. Can I help you?

Oh.

Hello?

Uh, Matthew!

Your, uh... your-your friend is on the phone.

Don't, don't hang up! Don't hang up! I'm coming.

Hello. Yes, hi. I'm here.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I've just been on hold forever.

No, no, that's not a criticism.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hey, hey, check this out.

(fishing reel whirring, water splashes)

(laughs)

I don't know what this is.

This is a bass fishing video game.

I got it for Ritchie.

Richard's not the only one who knows how to have

fun.

Whoo, whoo.

He might be.

Oh, come on.

Bass fishing is, like, the biggest sport in the country

next to NASCAR.

It's a good thing you didn't get him

one of those race-car games. Kids hate that.

I just want him to be excited about coming back here

after being with Richard.

I don't want this to be the homework house all the time.

Ooh, "Islands in the Stream."

I sing the hell out of this.

Well, sing it outside. You're gonna scare the fish.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Great. The Trojans crushed UCLA.

And Ritchie dropped the giant foam finger in the trough.

I decided to throw it out.

Good idea.

I still have that pee finger from the Dodger game.

So you still made it to the game. Yeah.

How'd it go with the mission?

The California mission.

Ritchie's school project.

The one that's due tomorrow.

Oh, shoot! Oh, no! No.

Christine, I'm really sorry.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, we just were having so much fun,

I totally forgot.

Which is exactly why I couldn't hack it

in junior college, by the way.

Richard, this is not a joke, okay?

I told you how important this is.

And the worst part is it's not you who's gonna suffer,

it's your son.

It's due tomorrow, and it's almost bedtime.

Maybe he could turn it in a day late.

And what kind of lesson does that teach him exactly?

A due date is a due date.

I mean, you have a job.

What happens if you show up to work a day late

or you don't finish something that you promised to?

I'm a contractor.

Alright, that's a bad example. What can I do?

Nothing. We're just gonna have to build it tonight.

Tonight? He's exhausted.

Yes, and I'm exhausted, too.

I just reeled in a 40-pound bass this afternoon.

But we're gonna have to do it anyway,

because that's what we do at the homework house.

Oh, I just hate being the homework house.

Boy, I feel partly responsible for this.

You're entirely responsible for this.

Yeah, so, what? Do you want me to stick around?

That would be nice.

So... yes?

Please.

Because I will, if...

Alright, just go.

I feel so bad. It sounds like a lot of work...

Just go. See you later.

Sweetie.

Is it Friday?

No, honey, it's Sunday.

And you have to do your homework.

I'm tired.

I know, darling, but you've known

about this project for weeks.

You're no fun.

Well, it's not my job to be fun.

Well, then you're good at your job.

Ouch.

(whispering): Matthew, are you up?

(whispering loudly): Matthew!

What is it? Is it tech support? Are they here?

(music playing on phone) What? No.

I need your help.

Look at Ritchie's mission.

Maybe he'll marry well.

That does not run in our family.

I swore I wouldn't be one of those parents

who did their kid's work for them,

but, I mean, look at this thing.

We got to build Ritchie a mission. Come on.

(hold music stops)

(music resumes)

Ooh, that was scary.

I've been waiting for so long, but when it looked like

it was actually happening I realized I wasn't ready.

Same thing happened to me on prom night with Allan Rice.

You know, you don't have to tell me everything.

Worked my boobs like he was making a pizza crust.

That's not everything.

(music continues playing on phone)

Okay, what do we know about missions?

Well, we know they don't look like tepees.

Right. And we know there's a bell on the outside

of the Mission tortilla chips bag.

What else?

Uh, sometimes a recipe for guacamole.

Come on, didn't Mom and Dad take us to a mission once?

Well, we went to the Alamo, I think that's a mission.

So what was that like?

Oh, I don't remember.

Hey, I don't remember the Alamo.

(snorts, laughs)

Come on, focus. Focus.

(clears throat) This is important.

This is Ritchie's education.

I'm gonna make some guacamole.

(music continues on phone)

Mission...

Missionary...

Ooh, missionary position.

Does that do anything for us?

Never did anything for me.

Really, knock it off.

Alright, you know what?

I hate to do this, but we need help.

Charles? I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to yell at you. I was just frustrated.

Just come back to bed and we'll try it again.

Charles?

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hi, um, Marly?

Uh, hi, this is Christine Campbell.

I'm so sorry to call you so late,

but I really need the name of your mission guy.

I thought you said it was unethical.

What do I know about ethics?

On prom night, I let Allan Rice plow me like a Iowa cornfield.

Seriously!

It's true.

Anyway, do you have that number?

Well, Christine, it's too late.

The mission guy needs a four-day turnaround.

Now I'm on the phone.

What? No, n-n-n-no, not you. Him.

Just keep talking to me.

Uh, well, well, that was it, I guess.

Um, sorry to bother you.

I-I'll see you at school tomorrow. Bye. Ugh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

No, no, I can talk.

(whispers): I'm sorry.

Yeah, uh-huh.

No mission guy. So what do we do?

We're gonna have to buckle down and do this ourselves.

It's for Ritchie's education.

Do you feel like a margarita?

Yeah.

(music continues on phone)

Okay, so if you had to do it with one of Mom's friends,

who would it be?

That's easy. Mrs. O'Hara.

Wha-- ha! You're kidding me. No.

She was sweet and she had this really pretty voice,

and her house always smelled like cinnamon.

Oh... that's so nice.

Plus, she had giant boobs.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I'm disgusting?

I could write a book about the many ways

Allan Rice violated you on prom night.

Yeah, I have photos for that book, too.

You know what sucks?

This mission.

The fact that you're up at 3:00 in the morning

panicking about a fourth grade school project.

You're doing exactly what you said you wouldn't.

I know, but Marly and Lindsay are right, okay?

Private school is very competitive.

I mean, if Ritchie was at his old school,

he could have just turned in that tepee,

they'd make him a teacher.

(sighs)

I mean, I just-- I want him to get into a good high school

and get into a good college and be really successful.

Really? Since when did you care about all that?

I don't.

I just want him to like me.

What?

I want him to like me.

Aw.

More than Richard.

(groaning): Oh...

Don't judge me.

Parenting is not a popularity contest.

Yes, it is, and I am losing.

You're not a parent, you don't know.

Plus, I think it's very brave of me to admit my true feelings.

Most people wouldn't.

Most people shouldn't.

MAN (over phone): Hello, this is Sandeep in tech support, can I help you?

Hey!

(dial tone)

I might have pushed the wrong button.

Mm-hmm.

(startled): Oh. I'm still here.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Well, considering our only research was a...

bag of tortilla chips and a bottle of tequila,

I think it's fantastic.

Good morning.

He...

What is that?

It's a mission.

What's that?

A mission.

Why do you have a mission?

I felt bad that I forgot about Ritchie's project.

You seemed really upset, so I went home and built this.

Well, first I had sex with New Christine, and then I built it.

Why do I need the details?

I don't know.

Just had a good night, and I wanted you to know.

So now I've spent 72 hours on hold

and seven hours building this crappy mission.

This is the worst weekend

since I had to scratch under Grandma's cast.

God, Richard.

What?

I thought this would make you happy.

That you're doing Ritchie's work for him?

You did Ritchie's work for him.

(scoffs): I didn't do a good job.

Real tile and two bell towers.

Damn it.

What? Are you mad?

No, I'm happy.

Oh. It's hard for me to tell anymore.

Yes, I'm mad.

Stupid.

Now I'm picking up on it. Why are you mad?

Because, once again, you've trumped me, Richard.

I mean, your house is more fun,

your weekends are more entertaining,

your mission doesn't... reek of tequila.

(sighs)

What are you talking about?

Friday is Ritchie's favorite day,

and I don't blame him.

Because all week long, I'm trying to get him

to do his homework and clean his room

and write thank you notes.

I mean, this house is a drag.

I even hate it here.

Then he goes to your house

and it's all foam fingers and urinals.

(sighs)

No wonder he likes you better.

Christine, you know what Ritchie calls my house?

What? The fun house.

Okay, Richard, you don't understand the problem.

And you know what he calls your house? What?

Home.

I have to make it fun when I'm with him

because I can't compete with that.

I'm a vacation, and vacations are great,

but after a while, you can't wait to get home.

(clicks tongue): Oh... God.

Richard, I'm... I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I'm actually winning.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Yeah, you are.

The only thing that keeps me going

is that when Ritchie goes home,

I have nearly constant sex with New Christine.

Okay, well, we can call it a tie.

Why couldn't I bring Dad's mission?

Because you need to do your own work.

But my mission stinks.

Well...

that's because you left it till the last minute.

I'm sorry, I know it's a hard lesson to learn,

but that's what I'm here for.

I'm gonna go find a spot for it.

Okay, bud.

Hey, don't worry, Ritchie, it's only fourth grade.

And you might just get another shot at it next year.

Hello, Christine.

(clears throat)

What have you got there?

Oh. Oh.

Looks like a tepee.

It's not a tepee. It's a mission.

And what was the mission exactly,

to keep him out of college?

Mission accomplished.

Good luck to you.

(exhales)

These are really good.

Yeah, they are.

Hey, did I ever tell you

that your daddy went to a two-year college in Nevada?

Can I go to a two-year college in Nevada?

I think you can count on it.

Okay, let's go to school.

Okay. Yeah.