Original subtitles

(distant phone ringing)

Hello.

Richard, hey.

Hey. You look different.

Did you just get a haircut?

No, I just lost my brush.

Wait. How do you know...?

Oh, got to go. My ex-wife's here. Call you later.

What are you doing here?

I'm picking up Ritchie.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, my God, we have got to find you that brush.

Today is my day to pick up Ritchie.

I thought it was my day.

No, you were yesterday.

I wasn't yesterday.

I wasn't yesterday.

I wasn't yesterday.

Wait a minute.

Did I even see Ritchie yesterday?

What are you jackasses doing here?

This is my week to pick up Ritchie.

No, it's not. Come on!

Why do I even bother calling everybody with the schedule

if no one pays attention to it?

Sometimes, when I hear it's you, I just delete.

That's why I call back.

It's still you.

You know, you could buy a new brush.

Hello, Christine...

and oddly extended Campbell family.

So I see you brought the whole gang today.

Well, there was a little mix up.

Only one of us was supposed to come, but here we are.

Usually, we're much more organized than this.

Now what's going on with your hair?

Hello. Can I help you with something?

I'm with them.

Hope my Range Rover's okay in the parking lot.

Look at us.

We can't even get it together to pick up one small child?

We need a better system.

We could e-mail.

That would be better than all the phone messages.

You ramble.

So at the start of each week,

Christine will write one e-mail and cc the rest of us.

Stop. I don't think my computer has that.

CC? It has it.

Matthew? I'll show you.

And we could also IM.

Stop.

Matthew? I'll show you.

Okay, fine.

Then I'll e-mail everyone a new list tonight.

I like this. It's very organized.

Meeting adjourned.

The next time I drive all the way up here,

somebody's paying me for gas.

It's a Range Rover, for crying out loud!

Okay.

Check your computers, all right?

No more mix-ups. Roger that.

Ri...

(whispers): Ritchie?

(whispers): Hey, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart. Go get your stuff together, okay?

Okay.

Christine.

I didn't see you standing there.

I didn't see you either for not that long.

I'm just picking up Ritchie.

Yeah, he doesn't usually join us for after-school study.

Oh, well, I forgot to tell you.

I-I told Ritchie, though, that I was coming late,

so he's fine. I'm a good mom.

What happened? I didn't know you were going to be late.

Yes, you did. I'm a good mom.

But I thought I saw your car driving away before.

No, you didn't, honey.

Lots of people drive Priuses now, you know,

'cause of global warming.

It's so scary.

It's not scary, it's different, hotter.

It's scary.

Okay, sweetheart, go get your lunchbox, okay? Go.

So how have you been?

Good!

Hmm.

Sorry, I'm having volume- modulation problems all day.

(clears throat)

But I'm good. I'm good, yeah.

We just figured out a whole new system with the e-mail

so everybody knows where to go and when

and hopefully nobody will forget to pick up, uh...

Ritchie?

Ritchie. Ah, yikes!

E-mail, that's a good idea. Yeah.

My ex-wife just leaves rambling messages on my machine.

Rambling? Oh, that's got to be annoying.

Say what you've got to say and then stop.

Don't say the same thing five different ways.

Be succinct, pithy.

Be done with it. Stop talking. Be quiet.

Now I'm just talking to myself.

Actually, rambling's cute... on some people.

I should go!

(clears throat)

I-I should get going, so I'll see you.

I'll see you.

Okay.

Uh, Christine?

Yeah?

Ritchie?

Ritchie? Ritchie.

Oh, Ritchie! Ritchie, Ritchie.

What are you doing?

And if I'm going, you go with me.

Don't let me just walk off without you.

Maybe I could wear the leash again.

Honey, that was a bad experiment.

Christine!

Christine!

We were just noticing

that you haven't bought your tickets to the Gala yet.

And why are you so red?

LINDSAY: Yeah, you're all flushed.

Oh, my God, she's having a heart attack.

Do you have health insurance?

Of course not. She's not married.

No, I'm fine.

I was just talking to Mr. Harris...

Oh, that explains the heart attack. Hmm...

Just tell me what you're selling so I can buy it and go home.

We're selling tickets to the Gala.

What gala?

The Gala.

It's our biggest fundraiser of the year.

But didn't we just have a fundraiser

a couple of weeks ago?

That was to raise money for the Gala.

It's gonna be fun.

We're gonna have Night Under The Stars

with great food and cocktails.

Hey, Mom, you like cockta...

Great food, yes.

I like great food. Why don't you go and work

on your homework, sweetie, okay?

Okay.

Mr. Harris will be there.

What? Who? What?

Oh, she's getting flushed again.

I think someone's got a little crushy on Mr. Harris.

I do not! I told you...

Oh, Christine, yeah.

Yeah, someone's got a little crushy on Mr. Harris.

I have a huge crushy on Mr. Harris.

Is that why your fly is open?

For God's sakes!

Uh, I know it's wrong and he's Ritchie's teacher.

I mean, nothing's going to happen,

but I can't think of anything else.

(microwave beeps)

Oh, can I have some of that?

You don't even know what it is.

Since when do I care? Just give it.

Ooh, good soup.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Well, how about acting like an adult

and controlling yourself?

Whoa, hot, hot!

I mean, just because you have a feeling,

doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Ow! You could, uh,

show a little restraint.

Oh!

You know, be mindful.

Oh!

Maybe you should just stay away from him altogether.

Do you think you can do that?

Oh, oh!

Okay, now remember,

nobody leave me alone with Mr. Harris tonight, okay?

And Barb, I'm gonna need you

to keep track of my drink count.

Okay, you had two at the house.

No, I didn't. I only had one.

Okay, then one.

Barb, you're off the job.

I had two.

The first rule about counting my drinks

is that you don't take my word for it because I lie.

Matthew, you're on drink duty.

Three. Good job.

Now tickets.

What? Why do you have tickets?

Because you sent me an e-mail saying, "Buy tickets."

You also sent me one.

Me, too.

No, I sent myself an e-mail as a reminder.

Well, you cc'd the rest of us.

Yeah, I also got an e-mail

about rescheduling your lip-waxing appointment.

Matthew, I don't get my lip waxed.

(quietly): Well, they can

squeeze you in Thursday at 4:00.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, crap, Mr. Harris is taking the tickets.

Wait. That's Mr. Harris?

Your Mr. Harris? Yeah.

You know you mentioned that he was handsome and tall.

I think you left something out.

What?

Oh!

That he's black?

Please, come on.

You know me. I don't see color, my God!

People are just people to me, all right?

Now come one. Let's go.

Let's go.

Be cool!

Christine, you made it.

You look beautiful.

Oh... thank you, Mr. Black.

Um, this is my, this is my handsome friend, Harris...

Uh, Black!

Uh, no, Barb, black Barb. Black!

I can't stop. I can't stop. Help me.

Oh, yeah, this is worth buying 12 extra tickets.

You know what? Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Maybe it was just one of those things

that seems worse looking back on it,

than it actually was at the time.

No, it was really bad.

You called him "Black,"

you called me "Black"...

and then you just went off... "Black, black, black."

Okay, okay.

You had a black attack.

All right, okay? I was there. It's enough.

I figured you could use this.

Here, drink up.

We'll call it four.

Ooh, chocolate fountain.

I'm gonna go over there before it starts to taste like fingers.

Welcome, Westbridge parents to a Night Under The Stars Gala.

Tonight is our most important fundraiser,

because it kicks off our season of fundraisers.

Barb, you don't want to wait

until after you eat your dinner

before you eat all that?

I got dinner.

One of these things is a chicken leg.

And later tonight we will be holding

the very popular teacher raffle, which is your chance

to win a playdate for your child with his or her teacher,

so give generously tonight

because if you don't, your children will pay the price.

Since you can't see color, you might not be able to tell

that Mr. Harris is headed this way.

Oh! I don't want him to come over here.

What are we gonna do?

Yeah, keep talking to me.

Okay? No, start a fight with me.

No, no, no, kiss me!

I... I... I'm sorry, I... I panicked.

We don't have to talk about it.

So what do you have planned for the playdate?

Last year Mrs. Belt took the winner to the world premiere

of Over The Hedge

and then on a VIP tour

of the zoo where they helped birth a giraffe.

Oh, wow. I don't know,

I thought we'd go to a park or maybe the library.

The... the library?

With all the homeless people?

(sighs) There's Mr. Harris.

Should we go?

But I'm so close to the chocolate.

No, I can do this, okay?

Just, please don't leave me alone with him, okay?

You got it. Yeah.

Hey, Mr. Harris.

I'm going over there.

Hi. Hi.

He's an ass.

And yet it seems you spend almost every minute of every day together.

I know.

I'm an ass, too.

Hey, I wanted to ask you--

have you been to that new ice cream place on Washington?

No. Is it good?

Well, sounds great.

I read about it in the food section. Uh-huh.

All the ice cream is handmade right there,

so you get to tell them what ingredients to put in,

so basically you make up your own flavor.

How does that sound?

Oh.

Well...

I'm very flattered, but I don't know,

it feels like it might be crossing a line.

You know, I mean, maybe if we took separate cars

and then we pretended it was like an accident.

You know, kind of like "Oh, hey, what are you doing here?"

You know, that kind of a...

I'm talking about the playdate for the kids.

What are you talking about?

The playdate for the kids.

Oh, oh.

You thought I was asking you on a date.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I-I-I-I thought on the playdate for the kids

you should pretend it was an accident

and then go, "Oh, hey, what are you doing here?"

kind of thing.

Christine, I'm sorry.

But there's actually a policy

that strictly prohibits parent-teacher dating.

I could get fired.

Oh, well, and it's a good policy, I'll tell you that.

(nervous chuckle)

Okay, well, I'm going to go over there,

if you'll excuse me,

and think about new schools for Ritchie.

(forced laughter)

Have you gentlemen bought your tickets

for the teacher playdate raffle?

Oh, yeah, let me ask you about that.

If we win the teacher, can we do anything we want with them?

Like what?

Oh, nothing dirty.

Unless it can be something dirty.

I'm such an ass.

Hey, there's another guy selling tickets.

Let's do it to him.

And the winner of the playdate

with our third grade teacher Mrs. Hustwick is...

Melissa Long.

Congratulations to little Melissa.

And the winner of the fourth grade teacher playdate

with Mr. Harris is...

Christine Campbell.

What? No, no, no.

I didn't... I didn't even buy a ticket.

You're welcome.

Ass!

It's kind of girly.

Where'd you get it?

From the chocolate fountain at the gala.

By the end of the night,

that thing was like the bottom of a public pool.

Hey.

Hey.

Ritchie ready yet?

Oh, you're taking him on the playdate?

Did I send you an e-mail?

No, I sent you an e-mail.

The Clippers game, remember?

Courtside seats.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This afternoon is Ritchie's playdate with Mr. Harris.

But you scheduled it on the same day as the Clippers game.

I've had these seats for months.

One of us is going to have to reschedule.

Yeah, okay, I'll call the Clippers.

But we're supposed to be there in ten minutes.

I mean, Mr. Harris is probably already there.

Oh! He already thinks I want to date him.

Now he's going to think I rigged the raffle

and orchestrated this whole thing.

No, don't worry-- if he knows you at all

he's going to know you're not smart enough to rig a raffle.

I hope you're right.

Fly.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh, Mr. Harris.

Christine.

Hi, Mr. Daniel Harris.

Um... there's been a little mix-up

and Ritchie's not going to be able to make it.

So, I'm so sorry. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Is Ritchie okay?

Oh, yeah, he's fine.

It's just that his father bought these tickets

to a Clippers game and apparently

they're really locked into their schedule or something.

So... anyway, I'm really sorry you had to come down here.

So, bye-bye.

Christine, please, don't go.

I already attracted some attention--

a single guy hanging out in an ice cream parlor

and then when I told them I was waiting for my playdate...

they put that guy on me.

Well, you can take him. Bye.

Christine.

Come on.

Sit down for a second.

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Are you mad at me?

What? Oh, no. No.

Okay. It's just you've been kind of avoiding me all week.

And I thought maybe you were offended

by our misunderstanding at the gala.

You remember when you thought I was asking you out

and I was really talking about the playdate?

Um.... uh...

I-I... yeah, I think I remember something about...

Oh, my God, of course I remember.

It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

I don't know what's wrong with me, you know?

Oh, can I have some of this?

Sure.

You know, I'm not myself when I'm around you.

I'm usually so self-possessed and dignified, and...

Ew, raisins.

You should know, if I could ask you out... I would.

You-you would what?

Ask you out, on a date.

I would ask you to go out.

With who?

Me. Me and you on a date.

I like you.

You do?

Oh.

Well, um, if you could ask me out and would,

then I would say yes.

But you probably already knew that, considering

I already did say yes.

So we both would... if we could.

Yeah.

So that's good.

(gasps)

She's a lot of work.

Christine?

And now I'm in the ladies' room.

My picture is definitely going up behind the cash register.

Shh!

What's going on?

Marly and Lindsay are here with their kids.

If they see us, it's going to be all over the school.

My God, you could lose your job.

Yeah, and I've probably blown my chance to work here.

LINDSAY: Come with me. I am not doing this in front of people.

Oh, crap. Here comes Lindsay. Get in the thing.

Put your feet up. Put your feet...

You embarrassed me and I deserve an apology.

But you did steal that lipstick.

I told you I just forgot to pay for it.

You forget things, too.

Now I want an apology.

No.

Dr. Berg told me to set boundaries.

So we are not going anywhere until you apologize.

Fine.

Fine.

(whispering): Oh, I can't feel my legs.

Those are my legs.

What are you, a runner?

Long-distance.

Birthday party's almost over.

Uh-huh.

Fine, I'm sorry.

Hey, let's not tell Dr. Berg about this, though, okay?

Wow. (laughing)

Ow. Ooh...

Oh... (sighs)

Well, I just want you to know that that is the first time

I have ever shared a bathroom stall with a man.

Oh, wait, that's not true.

(both laughing)

Well, I guess the party's over,

so it's probably safe to go out, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I really enjoyed Ritchie's playdate with you.

Yeah, me, too.

It's too bad about that policy.

Yeah.

Is it a good policy?

I guess, uh...

we should go out separately.

You want to go first?

Um, actually, I have to use the...

Oh, gotcha.

So I'll see you at school, Mrs. Campbell.

See you at school, Mr. Harris.

Seriously, can you leave? 'Cause I... Oh, yeah.