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1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,472
Okay, you know what,
Ritchie?
2
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,174
Here is your backpack.
Uh-huh.
3
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,209
And here is your
earthquake kit.
4
00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:10,211
Now, don't forget
to give that to Mr. Harris.
5
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,646
He can keep it in the classroom
in case of an emergency.
6
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,482
Why do I need
an earthquake kit?
7
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,485
Well, remember the school
sent home that letter?
8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,720
So we're prepared
in case of an emergency.
9
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,055
What kind of emergency?
10
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:24,458
An, an earthquake.
11
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:26,894
Today?
12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,696
No, no, honey, not today.
13
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:32,166
We spent the whole car ride
talking about this, darling.
14
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,468
It's just a precaution.
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,736
For what?
16
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,707
An earthquake.
17
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,176
Darling, please go to school,
okay?
18
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,577
And pay attention,
all right?
19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:47,648
No, no, Ritchie, Ritchie,
that way, that way.
20
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,051
Oh!
Hello, Christine.
21
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,421
Hello, Marley, Lindsay.
22
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,123
You going to say
something to her?
23
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,524
I don't know
if it'll do any good.
24
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,858
It's hard
to get through to her.
25
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,093
Oh, I know.
What is that?
26
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,094
I don't know.
It's weird, isn't it?
27
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,095
It's just like...
28
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,697
Are you talking about... me?
29
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:07,067
Might as well tell her
now, since she was
eavesdropping.
Yeah.
30
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,237
Okay...
31
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,038
it's just that
we didn't see your name
32
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:13,073
on the volunteer sign-up
to serve hot lunch.
33
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,575
You know, Christine,
this school depends
34
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,244
on the volunteer spirit
of its parent body.
35
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,246
Yeah, well, that
and 15 grand a year.
36
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,780
Oh, yeah, totally.
37
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,249
It's not funny!
38
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:26,254
Look, every parent
that doesn't volunteer
39
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,688
puts the burden
on those of us who,
40
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,490
you know, care
about our children.
41
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:32,560
Look, I know
what you're trying to do,
42
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,095
but I won't be guilted
into volunteering, okay?
43
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,131
I do my share.
44
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,199
See that poster?
45
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,801
I made that poster.
46
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,473
"Do your share,
volunter."
47
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:46,907
What?
48
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,477
Oh, crap.
49
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,579
Okay, Christine, well,
if you're comfortable
50
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:54,815
being the only mother at school
who hasn't voluntered.
51
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,886
Okay, fine, where's
the sign-up sheet?
52
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,323
Rotten women.
53
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,898
(sighs)
54
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,635
Hey, lover.
55
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:18,872
(hushed):
Stan! You can't call me that!
56
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,007
Why not?
57
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,042
We made love.
We were lovers.
58
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,177
Shh!
59
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,213
We were only together once.
60
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,580
Four times.
61
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,748
Three times.
62
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,284
Three and a half.
63
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,985
Oh, yeah.
64
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,153
Yeah, I'm sorry.
65
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,455
No, no, it's all right,
66
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,723
it's all right,
it's all right.
67
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:38,091
Listen, don't call me
lover, okay?
68
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,092
It's disrespectful.
69
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,093
I have a name.
70
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,830
Can I call you "hottie"?
71
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,898
Okay.
72
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,601
Hey, look,
you and I
73
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,737
are doing lunch duty
together this week.
74
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,104
What?
75
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,973
Yeah, there you are
right on top of me.
76
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,842
Some things never change.
77
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,345
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
78
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:58,812
No, Stan, it's not.
79
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,714
It's gonna be strictly
business between us.
80
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:02,916
Really, I was vulnerable
before when we met,
81
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:06,354
but I am not making those
kinds of mistakes anymore.
82
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,656
I was a mistake?
83
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,892
Well, no,
I don't mean that.
84
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,361
You weren't a mistake.
85
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:17,631
You were a choice I made
that I deeply regret.
86
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,302
Thanks.
87
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,371
Oh, you're still nice.
88
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:27,875
You're still foxy and... you
smell like Thanksgiving, mm!
89
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,778
Okay, Stan, stop it!
Stop smelling me.
90
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:34,382
Compliments aren't going to get
me into bed anymore, all right?
91
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,849
I'm more mature now,
92
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,185
and I've stopped drinking
on an empty stomach.
93
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,053
Nothing is gonna happen.
94
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,922
Have you had
breakfast yet?
95
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,023
No.
96
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,658
Then can I buy
you a drink?
97
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,460
No! Okay?
98
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,329
Stan, I'll see you tomorrow.
99
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,602
Oh! Maybe it's me
that smells like turkey.
100
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:03,944
How long have you guys
been going out?
101
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,879
A couple weeks,
but last night was the first
time
102
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:06,947
she spent the night.
103
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,215
So why is she still here?
104
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,918
Richard, gross.
105
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,152
Why is she still here?
106
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,754
I don't know.
107
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,789
We woke up,
I thought she'd leave.
108
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,024
Then she made eggs.
109
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,258
I thought she'd
eat her eggs and leave.
110
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,593
Then she took a bath.
111
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,894
I thought she'd take
a bath and leave.
112
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,129
Then she took a nap.
113
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,431
I thought she'd take
a nap and leave.
114
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,798
Then she decided
to sunbathe.
115
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,101
God, it's like
a sexy Dr. Seuss book.
116
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,103
I don't want
her here all day.
117
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,272
I don't like her
anyway.
118
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:33,907
Crap! Here she comes.
119
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,008
Act normal.
120
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,511
Oh, God!
121
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,881
Hi, guys.
122
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,517
Oh, Matthew,
123
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,218
you have company.
124
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,356
Hi, I'm Amy,
Matthew's friend.
125
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,858
Well, I guess
technically, girlfriend.
126
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,293
I'm new Christine.
127
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,862
It's nice to meet you.
128
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,930
I'm Richard.
I like your tan.
129
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,932
Oh, thanks.
130
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,736
Oh, I found this suit
in the laundry room,
131
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,406
and I figured it's such
a nice day, you know?
132
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,841
Sweetie, I'm going
to start a load of whites.
133
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,109
Are you coming out soon?
134
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,111
Because we really need
to talk about Christmas.
135
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:14,247
Christmas...
136
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,484
sweetheart.
137
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,024
Wow, she's oddly
comfortable around here.
138
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,594
I don't think I tried on
one of Christine's bathing suits
139
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,562
until we'd been dating
for four or five months.
140
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,598
They look better on you,
that's for sure.
141
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,737
Yeah, well, sorry if I don't
have time to be slinging hash
142
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,105
in the middle of the day.
143
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,973
I have a job. I work.
144
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,975
Yeah, women work.
145
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:45,446
It's the 20th century.
146
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,450
Who you talking to?
147
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,852
And why are you still in
the 20th century?
148
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,922
I was having an imaginary
fight with the meany moms,
149
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,323
and I was winning, too.
150
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,158
And everyone at the school
was on my side.
151
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,360
And for some reason,
Heath Ledger was there
152
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:03,997
and I think he was about
to kiss me.
153
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,332
I use him a lot.
154
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,368
I like his tan.
155
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,140
I was forced to sign up
for lunch duty today.
156
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,309
Guess who I'm stuck
doing it with? Stan.
157
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,010
Who?
158
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,178
Sad dad.
159
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,713
Who's sad dad?
160
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,114
He's some guy Christine picked
up at a gas station.
161
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,750
No, she picked him up
at the bus station.
162
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,385
No, I picked him up
at the supermarket.
163
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:27,120
Well, that's much better.
164
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:29,590
Now every time
she runs into him,
she sleeps with him.
165
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,025
I am not going
to sleep with him!
166
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,995
There is zero-percent chance
I am going to sleep with him.
167
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,030
Oh, my gosh,
she's going to sleep with him.
168
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,632
Hey, you don't know me.
169
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:42,102
What is it about him
you can't resist?
170
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:45,606
Well, I have my reasons,
but I'd rather not say.
171
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:46,907
It's a secret.
172
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,446
And I know that that's usually
an announcement
173
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,147
that I'm going
to tell you something,
174
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:58,285
but in this case I really am
going to keep it to myself.
175
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,087
Give her some wine
and it's ours.
176
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,890
Who is that?
177
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,459
That's Amy.
She spent the night
and now she won't leave.
178
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,461
Is she wearing my bathing suit?
179
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:08,862
What? She is?
That's crazy.
180
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,764
Who does something
like that?
181
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,071
Chicken tenders.
Mashed potatoes.
182
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,239
Gravy.
Green beans.
183
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,941
Chicken tenders.
Mashed potatoes.
184
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:21,909
Gravy.
Green beans.
185
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,343
Chicken tenders.
Mashed potatoes.
186
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,613
Gravy.
Green beans.
187
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,280
Ah!
Okay.
And we're done.
188
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,482
Yeah, wasn't so bad.
189
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,684
Yeah, we make
a pretty good team.
190
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,521
You know, it's
'cause we know
each other's rhythms.
191
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,322
Probably because
we've had sex.
192
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,825
No! Stan, stop it!
193
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,793
That is the third time
in eight minutes
194
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,261
you've mentioned our rhythms.
195
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,496
You need to stop.
196
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:46,033
God, you even look
hot in a hairnet.
197
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,503
No!
198
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,641
Now, I know in the past
all it took was a compliment
199
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,475
for you and me to hit the futon,
200
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,578
but I told you
things have changed.
201
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:58,746
Oh, yeah, you know what?
202
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,614
I traded in the futon.
203
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:03,183
I got one of those
low Japanese beds.
204
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,317
What do you call those?
205
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:07,521
A futon.
206
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,557
Oh, yeah, right.
207
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,759
Well, I got a new one.
208
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,927
You broke the last one.
209
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,431
Stan, that is
enough, okay?
210
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,600
Enough.
211
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,669
The answer is no.
212
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:24,938
Hey, you can't blame
a guy for trying.
213
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:29,176
Okay, anyway, Sam, I will see
you tomorrow at our shift.
214
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,312
Oh, hold on.
A little bit of potato there.
215
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,981
Let me get that for you.
216
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,293
Oh, damn it!
217
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,264
Sayonara, lover.
218
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,901
See you at school.
219
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,614
Oh, good, you're here.
220
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,282
(clears throat)
221
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:11,184
How was your night with Ritchie?
222
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,326
Good.
223
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,829
He wanted to play earthquake,
so I shook the couch,
224
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,797
I showed him how
to turn off the gas,
225
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:26,166
then we looted Matthew's room.
226
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,003
I told Amy we had to evacuate,
227
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,906
but she wouldn't come out
from the doorjamb.
228
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,211
And how about you?
229
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,047
How was your night?
230
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,883
Oh, good.
231
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,718
Boring. Cleaned out my TiVo.
232
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,220
Went to bed.
233
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,421
Uh-huh.
234
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,959
Where'd you sleep?
235
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:55,228
Oh, where I always sleep.
236
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,130
Oh, if you're wondering
237
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,099
why I'm coming into the house
right now,
238
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:01,935
it's because
I've started jogging...
239
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,240
Early in the morning.
240
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:10,744
I've begun to jog.
241
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:16,216
Why is there a bra
in your pocket?
242
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,551
Hmm, hmm?
243
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,388
Bra... in your pocket.
244
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:29,329
This is a jog bra.
245
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:35,468
I have one on, naturally,
but, um, they suggest
246
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,270
that you carry an extra one
247
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:43,510
in case you, uh,
bust through the...
248
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,278
the, uh, the first one,
249
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,782
so I thought
that was a fine idea.
250
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:52,085
Okay, I slept with Stan.
Are you happy?!
251
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,954
A little.
252
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,056
There is something wrong
with me
253
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,058
and something even more wrong
with him.
254
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,260
You sound like a good couple.
Why you fighting it?
255
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,929
It's not funny, Richard.
256
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,230
I have a problem.
257
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,432
I cannot resist
this ridiculous man.
258
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,268
You know what? You've
got to take my lunch
shift today, all right?
259
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,703
I can't be around him.
260
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,104
If I have to serve
lunch with him again,
261
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,306
I'm never going
to get off of his futon.
262
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,880
He has a futon?
263
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:23,183
So you stay with him
in his dorm?
264
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,722
No, no, it's part
of his Japanese thing.
265
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:29,723
Oh, he's Japanese?
266
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,359
No, he's weird.
267
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,961
You have to save me
from myself, Richard.
268
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,595
Please take my lunch
shift today!
269
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,697
All right, calm down.
I'll take your shift.
Okay.
270
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:40,467
Just hope
I don't sleep with him.
271
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,002
Yeah, well,
you might,
272
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,704
so don't get cocky
'cause I got cocky.
273
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:52,813
Stan?
274
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,482
That's my name--
don't wear it out.
275
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,319
Perfect.
276
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,424
I'm gonna be working
lunch with you today.
277
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,193
Oh, I don't think so.
278
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,061
See, my girlfriend
is supposed to be
279
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,330
working lunch with me today.
280
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,734
Yeah. Something
came up for Christine
281
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,504
and she asked me
to take her shift.
282
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:22,943
I think I know
what that something is.
283
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:26,880
I really put her
through the wringer last night.
284
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,816
You know...
poor thing.
285
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,717
I mean, not that she
can't hold her own.
286
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:31,718
She's a real firecracker.
287
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,021
Loves the dirty talk.
288
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,957
Who'd you say you were again?
289
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:39,259
I'm Richard, her ex-husband.
290
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,730
Okay. Please don't kill me.
291
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,033
Stan, it's okay. Really.
292
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,435
I'm happy for both of you.
293
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,403
I'm happy for all of us.
294
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,607
So...
295
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,109
What did she
say about me?
296
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,245
She said you had a futon.
297
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:02,549
Yeah. I'm going through
a Japanese thing right now.
298
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,984
It started with rice...
299
00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:06,386
Then I moved on
to one of those little fountains
300
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,988
from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
301
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,556
It's supposed to be soothing,
302
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,492
but it just makes me have to get
up every hour to go pee.
303
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:15,996
Perfect.
304
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,836
Christine, you have
sunk to a new low.
305
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,239
This isn't just
the bottom of the barrel,
306
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:29,142
you've gone under
the barrel,
307
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,111
and dug a hole to Japan...
308
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:34,047
and found the nearest
filthy futon
309
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:37,851
and traded underwear
with the Iron Chef.
310
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,619
Okay, enough.
311
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,622
Look, I know that on the surface
he seems less than perfect,
312
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:45,292
but below the surface
he has a certain appeal.
313
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,594
He promised he'd give
your underwear back
314
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,362
as soon as he takes them off.
315
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,169
What could it possibly be that
has you jumping into bed
316
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,905
with him every time he's
around? Is he rich?
317
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:02,976
No, his only credit card is
at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and...
318
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:07,347
it's been turned over
to a credit agency.
319
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,481
Is he funny?
320
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:09,917
Never on purpose.
321
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,420
So what is it?
Are you just that desperate?
322
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,487
No!
323
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,956
Then what? I don't get it.
324
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,624
(sighs)
325
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,660
He has certain attributes
that make him appealing.
326
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,963
Ugh.
327
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,599
Are you talking about
the size of his...?
328
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,203
No!
329
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:33,907
No. You know that size
doesn't matter to me.
330
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,111
How would I know that?
331
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,313
'Cause I'm telling you.
332
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,414
Oh, right.
333
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,083
(pants)
334
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,684
Then what is it about Stan?
335
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:49,422
He has a certain skill
that most guys believe they have
336
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,590
but most of them don't.
337
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:54,427
Oh, yeah. I have that skill.
338
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,528
What skill?
339
00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:58,498
He's good with things.
340
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,201
You know-- girl things.
341
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,737
Things that girls like.
342
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,406
Shoes?
343
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,877
No, Richard, not shoes.
344
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:13,313
(sighs)
345
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,347
He...
346
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:18,751
He makes an
effort in a...
347
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:23,390
par-tic-u-lar area...
348
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:29,229
...that is very much
appreciated.
349
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,667
Oh.
350
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:38,338
Ohh...
351
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,906
Yup.
352
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:44,544
The guy's a champ.
353
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,813
Come on. That guy?
354
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:47,880
Oh, yeah.
355
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,482
And that's important?
356
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:53,586
Well, it's not important--
it's just a bonus.
357
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:56,489
Like air, or the sun.
358
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,462
Was I a champ?
359
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,597
Yeah, absolutely.
360
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,699
Just in a different sport.
361
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,942
Oh, my God.
362
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,577
She's planting tomatoes.
363
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,846
Those won't be ready
for three months.
364
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,314
She's planning
to still be here
365
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,450
in three months
for the harvest.
366
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,653
Yeah, well, in three months
I'll probably be engaged
367
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,655
to Teriyaki Stan, so...
368
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,523
(phone ringing)
369
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,624
Oh, my God.
370
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:32,759
It's probably him.
371
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,127
(answering machine clicks on)
372
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,628
RECORDING:
No one is home right now.
373
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:36,963
Please leave a message.
374
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,198
Hey, wait a minute.
What happened
375
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:39,432
to the message
we made together?
376
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,467
Oh, you weren't
funny in it.
377
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:41,634
(machine beeps)
378
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,136
STAN:
Hey, babe.
379
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,105
Sorry I missed you today,
but I met your ex.
380
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,540
(sing-song voice):
Someone has a type!
381
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,541
(chuckles)
382
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:49,942
I hope you're okay.
383
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,345
I was a little worried
when I didn't hear from you.
384
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,281
I can see your car
in the driveway,
385
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,050
so you must be home.
386
00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,152
Oh, you're probably sleeping.
387
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,753
I won't come in,
388
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,756
but I love that picture
above the fireplace.
389
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,027
Call me when you wake up.
390
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:10,663
Dream of me?
391
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,101
Do you think he's gone?
392
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,468
(yells)
(shrieks)
393
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,803
Honey, it's Caroline
and Brendan.
394
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,305
They want to do a game night.
395
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,173
Ugh! Should I just try
and get us out of it?
396
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,608
Uh, that'll be great.
397
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:22,609
I love you.
398
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:23,776
Oh.
399
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:27,847
"I love you"?
400
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,416
I don't know
what I'm doing.
401
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,684
I don't even know who
Caroline and Brendan are.
402
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:32,785
Matthew, you know what?
403
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,354
I think Richard might be right.
404
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,556
I think we might have a
problem with our relationships.
405
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:37,624
Why?
406
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,925
There's something about
407
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,694
lying on the floor
hiding from our lovers
408
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:42,995
that's telling
me we're not
409
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,732
in control of our lives
as we should be.
410
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,033
You know, you're right.
411
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,135
Let's just go.
412
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:49,502
Let's get out of here.
413
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,704
We'll disappear,
change our names...
414
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,740
I'll be Mario.
415
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,275
Yeah, that's
a great idea.
416
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,710
I even went to the ATM today.
I've got 40 bucks.
417
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:58,878
Oh, great.
418
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:01,481
Oh, wait. I have a son.
419
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:02,515
Shoot.
420
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:03,950
And it was the
perfect plan.
421
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,219
No, running away
is not the answer.
422
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,254
What are we
gonna do?
423
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,488
We're gonna be grownups.
424
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,490
Do I have to wear a tie?
No, Matthew.
425
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,058
Mario.
Mario.
All right, look.
426
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,393
This is what you're gonna do.
427
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,195
You're gonna go out
there and tell Amy
428
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,629
that this is moving
too fast for you
429
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,898
and you need your space
and she has to leave.
430
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,200
Well, what are
you gonna do?
431
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,568
I'm gonna move to
Phoenix with Ritchie.
432
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,102
No, you're gonna
tell Stan that you have
433
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,437
no interest in a
relationship with him.
434
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,072
While I'm sleeping with him?
435
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,640
No. No more
sleeping with him.
436
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,542
Oh, Matthew,
you don't understand.
437
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,944
My brain says no,
but my pants
438
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,547
say off.
439
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,317
All right--
new plan.
440
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:38,985
You go out there and
break up with Amy.
441
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,920
I'll take your shift at
school and break up with Stan.
442
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:43,556
Yeah, yeah, that seems
like a very adult solution.
443
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,264
Just answer
the question.
444
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,766
You're my champ.
445
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:57,304
That's not the same thing.
446
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,872
Am I a champ?
447
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,310
Richard, you're great.
448
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,144
You're funny. You're smart.
449
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:07,447
You make really great
spaghetti sauce.
450
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,817
And you work really hard
at everything.
451
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,453
What about... that?
452
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:17,324
You work really hard
at that, too.
453
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,192
But I don't care about that.
454
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,127
I like the thing you do.
455
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,995
I could speed it up.
456
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,331
No, don't.
457
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:25,998
I could slow it down.
458
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,867
Oh, God, no. Please.
459
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,171
Sweetie, I love you,
460
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,906
and that's all that matters.
461
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,642
I love you, too.
462
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:41,914
Honey, no.
463
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,185
So, the good news
is that Matthew
464
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,187
is so concerned
about your feelings
465
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,223
that he wasn't able
to do this in person.
466
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,925
So that's gotta
make you feel good.
467
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,061
What?
468
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,663
That doesn't
even make sense.
469
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,097
When is Matthew
coming home?
470
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,467
We need to
figure out Christmas.
471
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:03,002
Honey, you're done.
472
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,737
What?
473
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:05,838
Get out.
474
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:08,875
You're breaking up with me?
475
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,678
We have to...
but we still care about you.
476
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,546
You can keep my bathing suit.
477
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,784
And, so, Stan,
the good news is
478
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,686
she didn't come here
and do this in person
479
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,821
because of the effect
you have on her.
480
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:25,492
So, uh, that's gotta
make you feel good.
481
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,861
But she's breaking up with me?
482
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,465
Well, yes, uh, because
she can't resist you,
483
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:36,869
and, uh, she'll always
care about you.
484
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:40,239
Well, I really appreciate her
sending you down here
485
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,675
to do this directly.
486
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,979
That took guts.
487
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,049
Take care, Stan.
488
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,351
Wait, hold on.
489
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,953
You've got a little
mashed potato there.
490
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:35,294
I better go.
33436
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