All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.of.Old.Christine.S02E04.Oh.God.Yes.720p.WEB-HD.x264-Pahe.ink_Subtítulos01.ENG

Matthew, turn off the TV,
dinner's almost ready.

Okay, dinner's ready.

Wait, submarine
sandwiches again?

This is, like, three days
in a row. What's going on?

Hey, are you sleeping with
the guy at Quizno's again?

No, I didn't sleep with him,
we just flirted.

He touched my cheek
when he gave me my Sun Chips.

And he gave me a free punch
on my card.

Is there anyone who hasn't
punched your card?

Quiet. I am on a quest.

I have to find that sandwich
I had last month.

I am telling you

it was the best sub I've ever
eaten in my entire life.

So you have no idea
where the sandwich place was

no cross street, nothing.

No, somebody else was driving.

I had low blood sugar.

And it was raining.

Or I was crying... something.

I don't know.
I think it started with an "S."

Oh, was it Subway?

Yeah, Matthew,

I forgot the name
of Subway.

Okay, here we go.

(laughing)

Oh, no... God, this isn't it.

Oh, this is disgusting.

I can't eat this. Really.

Mm. This is definitely not it.

Hey there.

Hey.
Smells like onions
in here.

That guy at Quizno's
still punching your card?

No, he touched my cheek.

You don't know anything
about romance.

Hey...

Hi, sweetie.
Look at you.
Hey, Mommy.

You look so handsome.

Oh, just like a tiny
used car salesman.

I'm wearing
my church clothes.

You sure are.

What?

Dad and New Christine
took me to church.

You took him to church?

Hey, who wants to
change the subject?

Yeah, I belong to the First
Methodist Church on Helm,

and today was
our autumn festival.

There were games
and songs.

And all these nice people
that were happy to see me.

I love church.

Richard, he loves church.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

It's kind of bad timing.

New Christine
has woman problems.

Richard...

I don't have
woman problems.

Sure you do.
You got 'em bad.

We got to go.

Hold it, hold it.

Ritchie, you know what?

Why don't you go upstairs
and change into your

play clothes while
I talk to Daddy.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye, Dad.
Bye, buddy.

Feel better,
New Christine.

Oh, I don't have...

Thank you.

I'm going to go change into
my play clothes, too.

Godspeed.

You took him to church?

You took our son
to church?!

Look, he wanted to go.

We were going anyway.

It didn't seem
like such a big deal.

What? You were going anyway?

What, you go to church now?

Why? Just because your
cute, young girlfriend does?

Hey.

And thanks.

You should've asked me.

Unbelievable.

I don't understand
what's going on.

Christine has this thing
about church.

It's not a thing.

Richard, you and I
talked about it,

and we made the decision

that Ritchie was going
to have his spiritual
education at home

and not in a church.

Watching Seventh Heaven
is not a spiritual education.

It is if you burn incense.

Christine,
it's not a big deal.

You went behind my back.

That's a very big deal.

Man... your poor
parenting decisions

never cease to amaze me.

First, you want to take him
to a Rolling Stones concert,

and now you're taking him
to church?!

There isn't a court in this land

that wouldn't give me full
custody of that boy right now.

What exactly is your
problem with church?

Yeah.

People who go to church

only like other people
who go to church.

Plus, they hate gay people.

And I hate anyone who hates.

You know what? She's right.

We don't have to go
to church anymore?

No, she's right
about Ritchie.

This is a parenting decision.

It's something
we shouldn't have done

without checking
with her first.

I'm sorry, Christine.

We made a mistake.

Oh, well, thank you.

I accept your apology.

I'm sorry, too. Geez.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I snapped.

It's an emotional issue.

I have low blood sugar.

Just be thankful
I didn't cry.

All right, hope
you feel better.

Oh, I don't have...

Thank you.

(sneezes)

God bless...
Gesund...

Good luck to you then.

Ritchie, get up.

What are you doing?

I'm playing Battlefront Two.

I just blew up a village.

Oh, good, okay.

Put that away, sweetie,
it's time for bed.

Hey, Mom?
Yeah.

What are we?

What do you mean?

Well, my friend Riley
is Catholic

and he says Catholics pray
to fathers and ghosts.

Yeah, they do.

And Peter is Jewish and he
doesn't eat cheeseburgers.

So, what are we?

Well, we're afraid of ghosts
and we love our cheeseburgers.

(chuckles)

Good night,
sweetie pie.

No, really.

Are we something?

Um, well, yeah,
of course, we're something.

We're, um...
we're Americans

and we're...
Californians.

We bleed Dodger blue.

But you know
what, Ritchie?

Religion isn't
really about labels.

It's about what
you believe in.

What do we believe in?

Uh, we believe in, uh,
n-nature, the earth...

(clicks tongue)
recycling...

...and, uh, we
believe in dolphins

and, um, and diamonds.

What about God?

Oh, yeah, and we
believe in God.

Yeah, okay.

Good night, darling.

I want to go back
to church.

How would you like
to go to the zoo?

I want to go back to church.

How would you like to go
to Church's Fried Chicken?

Huh?

I want to go back to church.

Will you take me to church?

We'll see.

Doesn't "we'll see" mean no?

We'll see.

Night, sweetie.
Night.

I don't know
why he won't let this go.

I know.

I dropped him off
at school this morning

and he kept asking me
all these questions.

Like, do I believe in God?

Is there a heaven?

Is Mommy going to hell?

Why would he think
that I was going to hell?

Maybe because you used
that handicapped parking permit

to do your Christmas shopping
last year.

Hey, I had an undiagnosed
sleep disorder.

And a lot of shopping to do.

Ooh, this looks promising.

Why don't you just take
Ritchie to church?

He'll probably go
once and be off it.

It's just like
the fajitas.

Do you remember he kept
seeing those commercials

and all he wanted
was fajitas?

It was fajitas,
fajitas, fajitas.

And then you
finally took him

and he got scared
of that sizzling plate

and that was the
end of fajitas.

I mean, church will be
the exact same thing.

It's so weird
the way he gets obsessed

with these things, you know?

Ugh, could they cut
these onions any thicker?

Ugh, this is wrong.

Anyway, I'm not
a bad person

for not wanting to take
Ritchie to church, you know.

I have my reasons.
Such as?

Well, for one thing,
they're mean to gay people.

They don't pay
their taxes.

Do you pay your taxes?

Hey, I'm handicapped.

Besides, I'm plenty
spiritual without church.

How?
I meditate.

When?
In the tub.

Well, that's not
meditating, that's mas...

Shut up.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

Who's the church

to tell me that I can't
meditate in the tub?

I'm a divorced woman.

It's hard.

Not as hard as eating
during this conversation.

Okay, look, here's the thing.

You probably
don't remember this,

but I when I was 12,
I took confirmation classes.

Wait, Mom and Dad
took you to church?

No, they dropped me off
on their way to Indian Bingo.

(exhales)
Anyway, I was 12 years old

and I was searching for meaning
in my life,

you know, after they canceled
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Yeah, that was
a good show.

I loved it.

(as Ted Knight):
Monroe.

No, that's
Too Close For Comfort.

Oh, that's another
good show.

I'm telling
a story here, okay?

Anyway, I was having
a hard time.

I was in junior high school,
I didn't have many friends,

and I was searching
for somewhere where
I could belong.

And I thought that church
was where it could be.

So I went.

And nobody talked to me,

and I didn't know what was
going on most of the time.

But I kept going back.

I kept waiting for a sign;

something to tell me that
I was in the right place.

Well, so what happened?
Did you get your sign?

Yeah, I did.

On the day of my confirmation,

they forgot to call my name.

All the other kids got called up
to the front, one by one,

and I sat there
in my little white gown

with my beautiful flowers
waiting to be called.

You know, and at first
I thought, okay,

they're going
in order of height.

And then I thought,
oh, you know what?

They're probably going
to give me a special award

and they're saving me
to the last.

But no, they never
called my name.

They never called me
to the front.

So, hmm, I got my sign.

I don't belong in church.

Wow.

What did you do to God?

What? No.

That's not right.

It was them.

It wasn't me.

God...

Oh, anyway, you know,
I just don't want

Ritchie's perfect
little innocent soul

to be squashed like that,
like mine was.

Okay?

They never called my name.

I know, honey,
but you know,

that was 50 years ago,
and you're okay now.

I going to have to take
him to church, aren't I?

(sighs)

Why am I such
a good mother?

(organ playing)

Okay, Ritchie,
you know what?

if you don't
want to do this,

we can turn around right now
and we can go to the zoo.

It'll be fun.

But you said we
could go to church.

Oh, God,
I feel like I'm 12 again.

I don't know how to act
or what to do

or where to look.
Hey, hey,

you're going
to be fine.

I'm sure it's all going
to come back to you.

Okay.

Come on,
let's go.

All right,
I'll see you inside.

Good morning, welcome.

Hello, father,
or, uh, your holiness.

Sir... oh.

That's really
not necessary.

You can call me Ed.

And that's...
that's my wedding ring.

Oh, yes, right, of course, yes.

Married to God.

Or is it Jesus?

Actually, it's Joyce.

Oh.

Well, you're a lucky man.

I mean, she's no Jesus, but...

So far, so good.

Yes, since my near confirmation.

What's a "near confirmation"?

La-la-la.

Well, I, um,

I went to church for a while.

I wanted to find
something there.

I was looking for a sign,
and then I finally got it.

What was the sign?

La-la-la.

Uh, it doesn't matter.

Who knows? Maybe today
you'll find a different sign.

We'll see.

That means no.

I know it's
sometimes difficult

to be in a strange place
with new people,

but I think you'll
find we're a very
welcoming community.

And I'll bet you'll
get a kick out of
our Sunday school.

Mrs. Orr is a hoot.

Oh, uh, no, no,
he's going to stay with me.

I know that God
sees everything and stuff

but he's got enough
on his plate,

what with the Middle East
and-and-and Project Runway,

and, uh...
La-la.

The kids really have a much
better time at Sunday school

than at the service.

They've got puppets.

That sounds fun.

Really, Ritchie?

Aren't puppets scary,
with those dead eyes

and the real seeming hair
and everything?

Is it in there?

Yes, sir.

See you after, Mom.

Oh, uh...

Matthew, you go with him, okay?

And if anybody
hurts his feelings,

you get him out of there.

What if someone
hurts my feelings?
Matthew, go.

Are you ready?

Uh, yeah, I-I don't
know, I'm not sure.

How does your church
feel about gay people?

Oh, I think you'll
feel very welcome here.

Oh, no, I'm not gay.

Oh, well, we have

a great many gay people
in our congregation.

Oh, like that guy?

We don't ask.

Trust me.

Shall we?

And although

there were no
actual mountains

in that area
of Galilee,

it was nonetheless
called the Sermon on the...

Anyone remember?

The Sermon on the Mmm... oww--

Mouth.

No.

Not the Sermon
on the Mouth, Benji.

The Sermon on the Mount.

But that was very good.

Uh...

And the Sermon
on the Mount

is talked about
in the Book of...

Maa... Math--

Mouth.

Not mouth.

It's never going to be mouth.

Matthew.

What?

The Book of Matthew.

And

isn't that interesting, Pippo?

(As Pippo, in her same voice):
Yes, it is, Mrs. Orr.

Are you having fun, Pippo?

(As Pippo):
A little.

Is that a real monkey?

We've really got to
get you to the zoo.

Oh,

well, since someone is
in the mood for talking,

maybe you'd like to tell us
about the Sermon on the Mount.

Uh, well,
in the Sermon on the Mount,

Jesus was talking to his
disciples about the Golden Rule.

You know, "Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you."

Yes.

Did you hear that, Pippo?

(As Pippo):
I sure did, Mrs. Orr.

I-I-I was Jesus' understudy
in Godspell.

The guy never got sick.

Learned all the lines,
never got to go on.

What's Godspell?

And now we will read
from the scripture.

All rise.

ALL:
"How good and pleasant it is

"when brothers live together
in unity.

"By all the earth-born race
His honors be expressed;

"but saints
that know His heavenly grace

should learn
to praise Him best."

"Praise Him best."

And now we will sing.

(organ plays intro)

* Nearer my God to thee *

* Nearer to thee *

* Even though it be a cross
that raiseth me... *

(singing in high pitched voice):
* Still all... *

Psalm 148.

"When the Lord...
"When the Lord...

Why-why don't you take it?

* Day by day *

* Day by day *

*Day by day *
*Day by day *

* Oh, dear Lord,
three things I pray *

* Three things I pray... *

Let us pray.

(stomach growls)

Sorry.

It was... it was my stomach.

I had a funky submarine
sandwich for breakfast.

(stomach growls)

God, d-do we get communion here?

'Cause I think some of those
wafers might help settle things.

And a little wine wouldn't hurt,
either, if you know what I mean.

Oh, sorry.

And that longing is something
we all experience,

that longing for fulfillment.

Oh, we try to sate
ourselves with more--

more money, more work,
more things--

but we remain
unfulfilled, lonely.

It's true.
Yeah.

It's only in moments of quiet,

when the demands
of the day recede.

(cell phone ring
plays "Charge!")

(cell phone ring
plays "Charge!")

(stage whisper):
Charge!

It's only then that we find the
quiet that we need to reflect.

Let's create that quiet
right now and breathe deeply.

As you breathe in and out,

let those breaths
bring you closer to calm,

closer to serenity.

Let those breaths
bring you closer
to new insights

and a fuller understanding
of the human condition.

With each breath, you'll be
inspired to dig deeper,

to be more compassionate,
to be more generous.

And you will look
around you and realize
you are not alone.

And you don't
need to be afraid,

because the answers
to all your questions

have been there all along.

Before we conclude,

I'd like everyone
to say hello to a new friend.

Christine Campbell.

Everyone please
make her feel welcome.

Oh, oh, thank
you. Hi.

Could this be my sign?

Christine,

would you mind joining me
up here for the final hymn?

Oh, up to the front.

I think this is my sign.

So go.

Kickoff's in ten minutes.

(all singing):
* Amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound *

* That saved a wretch like me *

* I once was lost,
but now I'm found *

* Was blind but now I see...*

(singing continues)

* And grace my fears relieved *

* How precious did
that grace appear *

* The hour I first believed. *