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♪ ♪

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- And now, join me

in welcoming

the author of six number one

"New York Times"

best-selling books,

the star of "Chelsea,"

"Chelsea Does,"

"Chelsea Lately,"

and "Hello, Privilege.

It's Me, Chelsea."

Please put your hands together

for Chelsea Handler.

d

♪ ♪

- Yeah!

What's up, New Jersey?

[cheering]

Oh, I'm so happy

you came out tonight with me.

Look at this beautiful

train station

built in 1889 for immigrants.

Remember when that was cool?

I decided to wear white

tonight, you guys,

'cause I'm expecting my period.

Uh, before we get started...

Hi, hi, ladies.

Hi, everybody.

So nice to be out, isn't it?

Before we get started, I wanna

make a serious announcement...

to my husband,

if he happens to be sitting

in this audience tonight.

My future husband, sorry.

I wanna dedicate this show

to him.

But there seems to be

a misconception,

and I get this

a lot from white men.

Oh, there--here's a Black man

and a white man together.

Perfect.

Let's talk to you together.

There seems to be

a misconception

that I only date Black men.

So I wanna use

this opportunity to make a PSA

for white men

who are scared of women

who have dated Black guys.

Beavers retract.

They don't just stay open.

They go back to simpler times.

I went through

a really difficult time

about three or four years ago--

whenever the last election was.

I couldn't believe that we

elected that fucking baboon!

I couldn't believe it.

And when you live in

Los Angeles, as I do,

when you're going through

a difficult time

and you have

high levels of rage

or outrage or anger,

however you want to frame it,

people wanna talk to you.

And they wanna use words

like "manifest"...

and "gratitude"...

and "kale."

And I'm not into shit

like that.

I'm all for

spiritual people--

or spirituality,

I should say.

Spirituality

is fine with me

as a component

of your lifestyle.

Sure, go for it.

My problem with

spiritual people is that

spiritual people can sometimes

be giant fucking assholes.

I feel spiritual

when I'm on mushrooms.

d

I'm not into rocks

and stones and chakras

or walking into Whole Foods,

hearing phrases like

"artisanal deodorant"...

or "micro panic attack."

It's like, fuck you!

That's a micro panic attack.

Los Angeles is a tricky place

if you're going through

a vulnerable time.

And if you're not careful,

you could end up at one of

those silent retreats

in the woods of Topanga Canyon,

finger blasting yourself

all weekend long.

[voice breaking]

That's what happened to me.

I had a girlfriend who came

to visit me

from high school,

from Nueva Jersey.

That's Spanish

for "New Jersey."

[laughs]

De nada.

Any other questions

about Spanish?

And she was hanging out

with me for a couple of days,

and after hanging out with her,

I said, yeah,

I would be willing to go

to a silent retreat.

And we went.

And it was exactly

what I had imagined.

It was in the woods

of Topanga Canyon.

And we get there and there's

just girls everywhere

and Lululemon everywhere.

Leggings and deep stretching

for no reason.

A lot of

room-temperature water.

That annoys me.

As if water could get

any more boring,

let's heat that shit up

and hand it out.

And there were

three veterinarians

alone in a circle.

I'm like,

that's suspicious to me.

I don't like to see vets

out of office, okay.

And not running in packs,

either.

I have a problem with vets.

I respect, like,

what they're trying to do.

Like, the intention's nice.

Oh, you wanna

work with animals, great.

They're just too vague.

All of their answers

are too vague.

I've had too many

rescue dogs--

I've had seven or eight--

and I've brought them in

every single time

to find out how old they are.

And no matter

what vet I'm seeing,

the answer is the same.

"They're somewhere between

the ages of 4 and 12."

What kind of answer is that?

What kind of margin of error--

are you a doctor or not?

You can tell--we know

that kangaroos were alive

on the island of Australia

25 million years ago

because of a half of a tooth.

And you can't tell me how old

this fuckin' chow chow is?

I mean, honestly,

go fuck yourselves.

So anyway,

we're at this retreat,

and I was already--you know,

I already have the attitude

that I'm not into this stuff,

but I was trying

to be open-minded

because of the level

of my outrage.

So then I heard that there was

gonna be a sound bath.

I didn't know--in the woods.

I didn't know

what a sound bath was.

I thought, oh,

DJs will shower with us.

And we go up to the woods

and there's

more stretching--

you know,

camel toe everywhere.

So annoying.

Kale chips--I'm like,

it's 85 degrees.

Who wants to

suck on a kale chip?

And then I saw a ukulele.

I'm like, oh, no, you don't.

Okay, I know that is

gonna end up somewhere

that I'm not gonna like, okay.

This is g--classic, classic

finger blasting setting.

Fool me once,

shame on you.

Fool me twice,

shame on my Pikachu.

So I walked out,

and I found some other girl.

I left the woods and I'm like,

"Hey, you, what's--what's up?"

Who's got drugs?"

And she's like, "W-well,

we're having a--

"we're having a ceremony

tomorrow night

"with--with toad venom,

And it's called 5-DME-OT."

And I was like, "Okay, well,

I'll take mine now."

[laughter]

Let's party.

And she said, "It's not really

that kind of drug."

I'm like, "Listen, bitch,

I'll decide

what kind of drug this is."

Now, I understand

some people are not built

for drugs and alcohol,

and I respect that.

I don't ever want to get

anybody involved

with drugs and alcohol

that can't handle it,

but I believe that I am.

I believe that I'm built

for the apocalypse...

which, by the way, we're in.

I've done every drug.

I've experimented

with everything.

Unless there's a new drug

that came out this morning,

I've tried it.

I did a special on Netflix.

I went down to Peru

and did ayahuasca

on camera with a shaman,

and they said,

"No, you can't do that.

People vomit

and shit their pants."

I was like, "I won't.

I won't do that.

I'm too advanced."

I'm like, "You think I'm gonna

ruin a buzz

"by defecating on myself?

Never is that going

to happen."

I took my SATs

tripping on acid.

I didn't get into college,

but I had a great time

taking that test.

And I've never had a bad time.

Like, you know somebody--

oh--

everybody always has

a bad time with drugs.

There's always a girl in

the corner for eight hours,

like... [gibbers]

That's never me.

Okay, I've had never

a bad experience.

Nothing that I would frame

as negative, anyway.

The one time--one time, I had

a questionable experience

was when cannabis--

this was, like, 15 years ago,

before cannabis

was the way it was,

before there were labels.

And a man had given me

a cookie.

And I ate that cookie.

And I thought I was

at a movie theater.

And when the movie ended, I got

up to leave the movie theater,

only to find out

I was on an airplane.

That was shocking.

'Cause I didn't just get up;

I got my shit together.

I got my coat,

and it had a belt--

it must have been winter.

And then I got my bag

out of the overhead bin

and pulled it down as if that's

how you leave a movie theater.

It never occurred to me

this isn't what

you've ever done

leaving a theater before.

I just--it was rote.

I was like,

"Oh, I better get my bag.

I better get my things."

And then I was like, yeah.

Up the aisle to--

straight to the little window

that you look out

if you're trying to escape.

And I'm looking at

the other passengers like,

what are these idiots

waiting for, the credits?

I was staring out

that little bagel window,

you know, like, wha--

and then I feel tap, tap, tap.

And I turn around, and

the flight attendant's like,

"Sweetie, there are three more

hours left on this flight."

And I was like, "I know."

I was like, "I'm going

to the bathroom to change."

Just layered on my lies.

I was like,

"Hoo, yum--

you're not gonna shame me."

And then I walked up

to the bathroom

and shoved my suitcase inside.

Apparently not only

was I not at a movie theater,

I had never flown

on an airplane before,

and knowing that you can't

bring your suitcase

into that little

urine-soaked wet box

and change your outfit,

but I did.

I put on a tube top

to prove a point.

And I walked back out

with my head held high.

I was like,

do not make eye contact!

You are a queen!

I sat back down in my seat,

and I was like,

"Hmm, what's next?"

It's like, this is like

an adventure.

I wonder where I'm going.

And who's gonna pick me up

when I get there?

And then I put in another

movie, and I watched that.

And when that ended,

I was like,

"Do not get up, bitch."

It's like, "Do not get up."

And then I wrote

on a piece of paper,

"You are on a plane."

It's not like you can look over

at your neighbor

and be like, "Hey...

speaking of nothing,

where are we headed?"

Anyway, so, that was the worst

experience I've ever had,

and I would frame that

as a B-plus.

So I'm back at the retreat

and this woman--

I don't remember her name,

who had the toad venom--

um, we'll call her Sierra Mist.

So she and I are walking down

to this, like, cottage

to do it,

and then this other

dipsy doodle comes running

out of the bushes

and she's like,

"Are you guys getting high?"

I'm like, "Back the fuck up."

First of all,

I don't like interlopers,

you know what I mean?

I don't wanna do drugs

with somebody

if it's their first time.

I don't have time

for that shit.

And a lot of people

depend on me

because I'm kind of like

a pharmacological intuit.

Like, I could look

at you and say, "Okay,

"you're gonna thrive on

this drug,

"you're gonna do

better on Xanax,

"you might prefer a Vicodin,

you might like an Adderall."

Like, I can tell

by looking at your body

and talking to you

for five minutes

what drug you are going

to respond to.

Don't talk to me about

melatonin either, people.

Okay?

Melatonin is for beginners.

Talk to me after

you've taken an Ambien

and woken up at

a Harrah's blackjack table,

$500 up,

with your eyeshades on.

Then you can talk to me

about fuckin' melatonin.

So a lot of people know this

about me.

Like, my sister,

she had trouble

making speeches at work,

'cause she would get dry mouth.

So I prescribed her

propranolol.

That's a beta blocker.

I said, "Take one 30 minutes

before you speak publicly."

She's been promoted twice.

She called me.

She's like, "Thank God we have

a doctor in the family."

Magnesium O7 by Aerobic Life

for women who have trouble

going to the bathroom.

A lot of women have trouble

going to the bathroom

every day.

If you take three of those

every night

for three nights,

you would have

solid shidoobees

for the rest of your life.

If you take four,

you will get diarrhea.

Some girls like that.

If you do, take four.

You'll get it.

Doxycycline will kill anything

in your system.

I mean, acne and malaria.

Two doxycycline

twice a day for ten days--

never on an empty stomach.

You'll vomit, okay?

It will knock anything

out of your system.

I take one every morning

just not to fuck around.

But I looked at this girl,

this other 7UP Light girl

that came out of the woods,

and I could tell

by her body type

that I didn't want her

to rain on my party.

And a lot of people think,

oh, heavier or taller people

can handle

more drugs and alcohol.

That is not true either.

It's those skinny

little bitches

you have to watch out for,

the ones who can

do coke all night

and then take one of

those Lime scooters to work

in the morning.

[laughter]

So I ixnayed her.

I said, "Listen,

I'm gonna do this, sweetie,

and I'll get back to you."

So I go down with Sierra,

we go to this cottage,

and she's like,

"Okay, you know,

this is gonna be

about 10 or 12 minutes."

And I'm like, "Huh? What?"

Like, "That's not fun,

10 or 12 minutes."

And she's like,

"Well, if you can han--"

I go, "Just give me

a double dose."

And she said, "No,

why don't you try it first?"

She says,

"It's transcendental,"

is the word that she used.

So I was already bored.

And then she said,

"You need to set an intention."

I was like...

[chuckles] "I don't care."

You know, "Why don't you

set one for me, okay?"

And she said,

"You need to set it."

I'm like,

"To be less of a cunt, okay?

"Is that an intention?

'Cause I would

like to do that."

So I take a hit,

and it's in, like,

a little crack pipe,

or whatever.

I take a hit,

and it's immediately terrible.

Like, the most terrible thi--

dark, swirly greens

and purples.

It was like I was

on a roller coaster

and my head was in a vice

and I couldn't move.

And then I open my eye;

I'm like,

"Oh, fuck.

She's still here."

I was like, "Mm,

I don't like this,

I don't like this,"

and I was like,

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're--

"you're gonna pass away today.

Oh, that's

what's happening."

And then I'm like,

"No, don't be so dramatic.

"You're not gonna pass away.

You've received brain damage,

"but you're already

a little bit on the spectrum,

so don't even worry, like"--

not that people on the spectrum

have brain damage,

but I definitely have it,

and I'm on some spectrum.

So I'm sitting there,

and I am sweating,

like, just drenched

in my own sweat.

And so I'm ripping

my clothes off

and I'm hyperventilating

and I'm like,

"Oh, don't say anything,

don't say anything."

And when I couldn't

wait anymore,

I was like,

"You have to make this stop.

I'm in a matrix."

And she puts her hand

on my chest

in between my naked boobs

and she's like,

"It's okay.

Shh.

You're in

a parallel universe."

I was like, "Bitch,

I don't have any Bitcoin.

Get me out of there."

And finally, I started

to come out of it,

and I was so, first of all,

embarrassed,

'cause I was nude...

And that I had

just lost complete control.

I was like, "Oh, my God."

And I open my eyes

and I look at her

and I look down at my body

and I was completely nude.

And I had forgotten that,

that morning,

I had put on nude underwear.

So when I looked down,

I just saw a bald bump.

And I was like,

"You shaved my beaver.

I knew something like that

was gonna happen this weekend."

And then I had to

get my stuff together,

like with the walk of shame

in the morning.

Like, turning away from her

when she's already seen

my nude body.

I'm, like, covering myself,

picking up my clothes.

And then I'm like,

"Thank you."

'Cause that's what girls do.

We say thank you

even when we've had

a terrible time.

So I did it two more times,

and I'm like,

"I definitely don't like this."

And then my curiosity

had reached its conclusion.

And I figured it was time

to go to a real therapist.

I needed to talk to somebody,

but I was embarrassed that

I needed to talk to somebody.

I had seen doctors

and therapists before,

but never with the intention

of, like, fixing anything

that really ran deep, you know.

I didn't have the mental

equipment to let anyone see me

for anything other

than what I'd become,

which was strong.

And because of that strength,

I wasn't about to sit

in a doctor's office and cry.

Crying for other people--

my friends--

about their problems, sure.

But crying for myself

about myself

was absolutely

out of the question.

So I sat down--

this guy's name is Dan,

he's a psychiatrist--

and I said,

"Hey, listen, I have

a lot of anger and outrage

"about Donald Trump,

and people are running

"when they see me coming.

Like, I'm losing friends.

I'm losing family members."

And he said,

"Okay, let's talk about that."

I said, "Well, I travel a lot.

So I'm in airports a lot.

"And I check in to

the first-class lounge,

"and then I immediately go over

to the Fox News section

and start going off on people."

I'm like, "You fuckin' racist!"

And then I run out.

And then I come back

and I'm like,

"Do you have a daughter

that doesn't have any rights?

'Cause she won't."

And then I run back in;

I'm like,

"Are you still a racist?"

And Dan is

really understanding,

and he's like, "Hey, it's

a really tricky time right now.

"Emotions are high.

You know, a lot of people

are enervated."

And I said, "Dan, I went

to the airport today,

and I didn't have a flight."

I told him that, you know,

before the election,

my biggest privileged decision

was whether or not

to install a waterslide

off of my bedroom balcony

into my pool

for the next time

my friends and I did molly.

And then I told him,

the day after the election,

I'm driving around

the streets of Bel Air,

where I live,

passing out water bottles

and blankets to the Mexican

workers in my neighborhood,

going, "You belong here!"

And them looking at me like,

"We're not all illegal,

you racist bitch."

Cheers.

I told him I had read this book

by Viktor Frankl

called

"Man's Search for Meaning,"

and in the book

there was a line

that made me put the book down.

And the line said,

"Stop thinking about

"what you expect out of life,

and start thinking about

what life expects out of you."

And I was like, "Wait, what?"

I'd never thought about what

life was expecting from me.

I was thinking about

what I was gonna get,

always about me and my family

and my friends

and my homes, my vacations.

I was taking, taking, taking,

without thinking

about my contribution.

And I told Dan, I said,

"I have to do better.

I wanna do better; I need

somebody to help me do better."

I said,

"But I feel so hopeless."

I mean, I had just read

an article that morning

that men were

masturbating into plants.

That's happening.

When did that start, you guys?

Wha--please stand up

if you've done that

and explain it.

Please, please get up.

If somebody's done that here,

you need to come forward.

Why did that start?

I mean, honestly, guys,

only a man would

do such a thing.

Poor plants.

I mean,

they've been sitting around

for how many millions of

millennia, minding their own--

giving us air to breathe.

And then cavemen come running

along with their dicks waving,

and plants are like,

"Oh, my God.

"What is gonna happen now?

Are we gonna get

ejaculated on?"

I mean, talk about

picking a victim

that can't get away.

Sickos.

Only a man would see a plant

and be like...

[grunting]

Only a man would do that.

No woman has ever done it.

In the history of the world,

no woman is like,

"Where's a cactus?"

Never!

Never ever, ever.

Not one time.

I'm willing to vouch

for all women everywhere.

Not in the history

of the world

or in the future history

of the world

will a woman ever have

said that she has done that

or will we catch one doing it.

That was

a disappointing revelation.

I mean, and it's not like

women don't get turned on

at inappropriate times,

you guys.

We do.

I get a manicure

and a pedicure every week.

And she does

that forearm massage--

this spot right here

is my sweet spot.

That's--when somebody

touches that, I'm like...

[moaning lightly]

I get--like, I flutter,

you know,

my eyes start to twitch,

and I'm like...

[moans]

And then I'm like,

open your eyes.

You're at a nail salon.

You can't do that right now.

You're in public,

you sick fucking bitch.

You can't audibly moan

while you're getting a massage.

That's not okay.

And in that moment,

when she does that,

I'm vulnerable.

Like, I would--

I would like it to continue

in different ways, maybe.

When she does

the little dipsy doo--

if she--even if in that moment,

if she tried to just go

a little bit too far,

like, up the leg,

and a little dipsy doodle,

like, a little

♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Climbed up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the rain ♪

If in that moment,

she did do that,

I might be like, "Yeah, yeah,

quick, quick, quick, quick."

"Do it, get in, get in, get in,

quick, quick, quick

"before anybody else walks in.

Hey, come on, come on."

I might even return

the favor.

I doubt it, but I might.

So I'm talking to

my new psychiatrist about this.

And I was like, "Dan,

I'm thinking I'm lit.

"You know, like, I know

I'm, like, woke,

and I know my shit."

And just that day,

I'd started filming

a documentary for Netflix

about white privilege.

And on the very first day

of shooting,

Netflix called me and said

I had to go to

sexual harassment training.

I was like...

f

Again?

And I had been on set

and this Black woman

sang this song

and I went to go hug her

and after I hugged her,

I smacked her on the ass.

I said, "Way to go, sister."

She did not like that.

But I didn't understand

why I had to go to sexual har--

I was like, "Why is this

sexual harassment?

I'm not hitting on her.

I'm straight."

And they're like,

"No, it's not about that.

"You have to call this woman

and apologize to her,

and you have to get her

to accept your apology."

And I was like--

and I was defensive.

And so I called her,

and I was like

"I just--I don't--

I was just trying to say,

'Hey, go girl.'

Like, sisterhood."

And she said, "It doesn't

matter what your intention was.

"It's how I received it,

"and you--Black women

have been defined

"by their hair and their asses

since the beginning of time.

You have no right

to touch my body."

And she was right.

I have no right

to touch her body

or anybody else's.

So I was sitting there

talking to Dan,

and I was like, "But can I

still touch white people?"

And he said, "No, no, you can't

touch anyone, Chelsea.

It's unwelcome."

And I was like, "But that's how

my family and I communicate."

I see my sister,

I grab her by the Pikachu.

I'm like, "Beep, beep!"

He's like, "You definitely

shouldn't be

doing that with family."

And that was a wake-up call,

'cause she was right

and I was wrong.

It's not about

your intention;

it's about the reception.

And any time you're defensive,

especially about racism,

you're fuckin' wrong.

And if you're a person

who doesn't think

that "white privilege"

is a real thing,

then you're a person

who's choosing to be part

of the problem rather than

being part of the solution.

Because the world is

only getting browner and gayer,

so you better hop on board.

So that was

lesson number one,

but not from Dan, but

I talked it through with him.

And then he wanted to know

about my family history.

I was like, that's not what

this is about.

Nothin' to see there.

I was like, my brother died

when I was a little girl;

my mom died, like,

8 or 10 years ago;

my dad's a huge

pain in the ass,

so hopefully he'll wrap things

up this year.

And I said,

"And quite frankly, like,

I'm ready to wrap it up, too."

I said,

"Dan, I'm not suicidal.

"You don't have to

worry about it.

"But people say

life is too short.

I think it's too long."

Like, there's so many annoying

people out here

and I just can't deal with it.

I said,

"I'm losing my patience,

and I need you to help me

with my lack of patience."

And he said, "Okay.

Give me some examples

of your lack of patience."

And I said, "Okay, fine."

I was at a table like this,

probably a little bigger,

with three of my girlfriends

before my session

that day with Dan.

My girlfriend orders

a turkey burger,

no onion, no bun,

no cheese.

That's fine.

We live in LA.

[groans]

So the server comes over

with his hands full,

with four plates,

and comes over

and we're all

sitting at a table.

We're not even talking.

And he says,

"Turkey burger?

Who ordered the turkey burger,

no onion, no bun, no cheese?"

And my friend

is just sitting there

like Stevie Wonder

playing the piano.

And he says it again, louder.

"Turkey burger.

No onion, no bun, no cheese."

And this is her.

I go, "Hey, you fucking cunt!

"Wake up!

"Is that your turkey burger?

You can't order that and then

forget that you ordered that."

[growls]

I said,

"So that's one example.

Would you like

to hear another?"

He said, "Yes, please go on."

I said, "Airports, airports.

I can't deal with the people

"that work

at Hudson Booksellers.

"What's wrong

with those people?

"What's up with the slowness

of the transaction?

"I can't deal with the slowness

of the transaction

"when I wanna buy a book.

"Are those people--

what is wrong with--

are they koala bears?"

He said, "Well, how do you

handle that?

I go, "I have to shoplift.

I have to."

I said, "I get the book,

and I wave it

"to the security camera--

"always, I say--

I always say,

'Hey, it's me, Chelsea Handler,

'I'm taking this

because your koala bear's

on a branch somewhere

in the back.'"

I'm like, "I'm gonna leave

40 bucks here,

"and hopefully they'll find it

"when she comes out

from her nap,

"if she'll find it

before a stranger does,

"but it's on this bookshelf.

I didn't steal.

I'm leaving,"

and then I skedaddle.

And Dan was looking at me

when I said that.

I was like, "What?

Is that white privilege too?"

He's like, "No, Chelsea.

White people aren't

even doing that."

I told him,

anything hotel related--

I'm like, "I spend tons

of times in hotels,

"and I get home at, like,

1:00 or 2:00 in the morning,

"I want my snack.

I call down,

"I order what I want

from room service,

and that's too slow."

At 1:30 in the morning,

there should be, like,

a double speed, you know,

where people

are quicker and more alert,

or--or just quicker.

Then they wanna repeat

the order back to me.

It's like, please,

whatever you think you heard,

just bring double.

And don't say "chicken fingers"

out loud again.

I'm 45 years old.

I don't wanna

have this conversation.

Do you know

how humiliating it is

to call you in the first place

and order this

at 1:30 in the morning?

And now you wanna go over it

and shame me again?

Just bring them.

And then they bring them

and that's--

that's a whole episode

in and of itself.

It's like, with the cart

and the fork and the knife

and they set me up

like I'm fine dining

at 2:00 in the morning

with some chicken fingers.

As if I'm going to use

a fork and a knife to cut up

my chicken fingers.

You could throw them at me

across the room

and I will

catch them in my mouth.

And then I have to pretend

I have a fake daughter

that's, you know, in the bath.

I'm like, "My daughter's

getting out of the bath.

"Can you wrap this up, please?

Get the fuck out of here."

I said, "I could get annoyed

during a hotel massage, Dan.

That's the kind of bitch I am."

The way they talk to you after

a 45-minute Swedish massage

is ridiculous.

[voice wavering] "You're gonna

wanna be careful...

getting up."

Why?

What? Did you amputate my legs?

Why do I need

to be careful getting up?

This is supposed to be

more relaxing, not stressful.

And then they hand you

a gross Dixie cup

of room-temperature water.

It's like, "Ugh,

I don't want that."

[mockingly] "You're gonna wanna

drink a lot of water."

No, I won't.

Fuckin' hate water.

The only thing

more offensive to me

than room-temperature water

is room-temperature

sparkling water.

That is like,

"Fuck you and your family."

So I said,

"So what do you think I have

after all of this?"

I said, "What do you think

it is, Dan?

What? ADD?

What?"

He said...

[laughs]

"I don't know

if you have ADD."

He's like, "I have no idea

if you have that.

You could take

a test for that."

It's like, great.

He said,

"It's eight hours long."

I was like, "Well, let's just

operate under the assumption

that I have it."

He said, "I think

you lack empathy."

I was like,

"Like a Republican?"

And I had him draw

the distinction for me

between sympathy and empathy

because I couldn't remember.

I said,

"Wait, sympathy is what?"

He said, "Sympathy is when

you feel sorry for somebody,

"or you feel badly

for somebody.

Somebody's going through

a bad time and you help them."

I said, "Oh, I've got that."

I would do that

for any of you sitting here.

I would do that for strangers.

Yeah, I've got sympathy.

He said, "Empathy is

actually thinking about

"what it's like

to be that person

"that's going through

a difficult time--

"actually thinking about

what it's like

"to be in their shoes.

Have you ever done that?"

I was like, "Oh, no."

I was like, "That's depressing.

No."

He said, "You need

to think about the woman

"that's working at

the Hudson Booksellers store.

"You need to think about

the fact that she may have

"more than one job,

or that she has to deal

"with people like you

all day long.

"You have to think about

the fact that

she's got a family at home."

And I'm like...

[sighs]

"I have to think about

all those koala bears?"

But it made sense,

and I was clicking.

It was like, oh, wait,

paying somebody to tell you

what's wrong with you

is a great transaction.

I was like, no friends

are gonna tell you, you know.

I was like,

"Oh, okay, great."

I'm like,

"How do I get empathy?

Is there an app

I can download?"

And he said, "Can you think

of any experiences

that you've had recently

where you lacked empathy?"

I was like, "Um, yeah."

And all of a sudden,

all these light bulbs

went on in my head,

and I remembered

going to this movie

with one of my gay friends.

It was called

"Call Me By Your Name."

It came out, like,

three years ago.

And I didn't know what

the movie was when we went in,

but five minutes in, I did.

And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is this?"

I go, "What is this?

A gay love story?"

He goes, "Yeah.

Shut up."

I go, "You're so selfish."

And Dan looked at me;

he said,

"Do you know why that's wrong?"

I go, "I think so.

"'Cause gay people have had

to sit through

"straight people's love stories

since the beginning

of fucking time."

And he goes, "Yeah."

So now at my house,

all I have on a loop,

all day long

is gay porn.

Out of respect.

Finding out I lacked empathy

was, like, a huge light bulb,

and I was so excited.

I was on board with therapy,

and he got me from that.

I'm like, "You're right.

I don't have empathy.

"Okay, let's go,

let's go, what else?

And he said

"What about relationships?"

I'm like, "No good.

I'm not good at that."

He said, "Do you want

to be in a relationship?"

I'm like,

"Whatever you say, I'll do.

"If you think

I should be in one,

I'll go find somebody."

[laughs]

I said, "But I--

"It's tricky

'cause everybody annoys me,

"and men annoy me.

"Their belts annoy me,

their shoes--

everything about them."

I said, "But if we're gonna

do something,

we should lock

something down quick."

I mean, I'm in

a denim onesie right now.

I have orthotics

in every pair of my shoes.

One of my eyes

is going bald.

I have to shave my face

in the shower in the morning

to get rid of this facial hair

that I'm starting to grow.

I used aftershave the other day

for the first time.

Either I'm transitioning

and I don't know it...

or I'm in decline.

I saw my elbow the other day

in the mirror.

I was like,

is that an iguana?

What is that?

What happened?

And why does it look like

a butt?

The other day I coughed,

and liquid came

out of my vagina.

That, I blame on 50 Cent.

And I went to my doctor,

and she was, like,

doing my hormone testing,

and she's like, "Okay, sweetie,

You're low on testosterone."

I'm like, "I don't think

I'm low on testosterone."

I'm like, "I could give a man

some testosterone."

I'm like,

"I'm very aggressive."

She's like,

"That's not testosterone."

So she said,

"You have none."

And she said,

"It's just better that you

replace your hormones

when you start to lose them."

And I'm like...

[groans]

So I started

taking testosterone,

which is, you know,

some cream you have to rub

on your leg

like an older woman.

And I was like, okay, well,

here we go.

I'm just heading

into elderly territory.

And then I go back

to the same doctor,

like, two months later

and I was like,

"My hair

is really thin on top.

Do you know what

that could be from?"

And she's like, "Well,

are you on testosterone?"

I'm like "Yeah--yeah, bitch,

you prescribed it to me.

"Don't you remember?

What are you?

A vet?

Are you a vet?"

And I said, "What

are the side effects of--

I mean, what is testosterone

even doing for me?"

I mean, I don't want--

I don't want to lose my hair.

And one of my eyelashes--

I mean,

one of my eyes

is almost bald.

I have two eyelashes

that have come in

over the past two years.

Like, none will sprout.

And she says, "Well,

it helps with your sex drive."

I'm like, "So you want me

to be bald and horny?"

And then what?

What's the game plan

after that?

Just play solitaire

all by myself every night?

The thing is, I like older men.

When I was 20, that was fine,

'cause they were 40.

When I was 30,

I dated a 50-year-old.

When I was 35,

I dated a 55-year-old.

I'm 45.

I'm not down

to fuck a 65-year-old.

Okay, that margin

needs to close.

I'm all for 65-year-olds,

and I'll fuck you

when I get to be your age.

But not now.

It's--it's too much.

There is an age where men

either start to look

like women,

or they get the slippery lips,

where their mouths

turn into Jacuzzis.

And that's when I skedaddled.

Which brings me to the strong

and deep sexual feelings

that I have developed

for Andrew Cuomo.

I mean, I know we all feel it.

A lot of women are feeling it.

When he came on the scene,

he looked like

the Incredible Hulk also.

You know,

that big Italian gorilla.

It's like,

"Put on your mask,"

I'm like,

"Oh, I'll put my mask on.

Oh yeah, I will.

I'll put on my mask."

He's the kind of asshole

that I will do shit for.

And you know he's an asshole,

and that's what I like

about him.

Like, an old-fashioned asshole,

somebody who's gonna tell me

to sit down and shut up.

I want him to flatten my curve

and then I wanna

flatten his curve.

And then I want us

to apex together.

And he can mansplain to me

all night long about fishing

or motorcycles

or whatever dumb shit he's into

that I will pretend

that I am into,

because that's how down

I am with him.

Guess who's not jerking

off into plants?

Andrew Cuomo.

I want him to govern me...

multiple times.

I imagine us spending

long weekends together

in the Adirondacks,

playing games of "Clue,"

a game I thought

I had already mastered

that he's teaching me

entirely new strategies to.

I imagine him getting very sick

and me having

the only medication

that can make him better.

Two doxycycline...

twice a day for ten days.

Never on an empty stomach.

I would keep him

slightly dehydrated

so wouldn't get

the slippery lips.

Because he's got them.

He's got them.

He's on the cusp of exactly

what I'm talking about--

that big mouth,

and it's wet,

and in two more years,

he's gonna be able

to swallow me

like a meatball sub.

But I need to get

in there quick,

because once the curve

flattens for good,

so will my crush.

I told Dan that I mostly

hook up on vacation

when I travel internationally,

'cause there's always

a language barrier,

and that works

to my advantage--

when people can't really

understand what I'm saying.

We went on a scuba diving trip

with my girlfriend

for her 40th birthday.

And we all had

to get certified,

and I'm not really good

in a classroom setting.

So I wasn't paying attention,

and they were like, okay,

everyone needs a buddy.

I'm like, "I don't want to be

anybody's buddy,

"I-I'm not gonna help anybody

with their oxygen tank.

Like, everyone's--I can't--

I'm not the girl for that."

So my cousin Molly

was my buddy.

I'm like,

"But I'm not gonna save you,

"so, like, we should split up,

and I should go with

one of the guides."

They had two divemasters.

And we're in French Polynesia,

and we're shark diving.

And I don't know

what I'm doing.

I'm just like, I can't

get my mask on normal.

And I'm already underwater

and shit is,

like, messed up

all of a sudden.

I'm, like, trying

to tie my sneaker underwater.

You know, that's the kind of

situation I was in.

And she pulls on my leg.

And I freak out,

and I look down,

and there's this huge

blacktip reef shark,

and underwater, you can't tell

if it's five feet away

or 20 feet away.

So I go to kick it immediately.

And I go back,

'cause I have my scuba tank on,

and my goggles

fill up with all this water,

and I can't see anything.

So I'm just sitting there,

waiting to be eaten by a shark,

and I can't see.

And you can't ascend

when you scuba dive

'cause you could hurt yourself

and your equilibrium--

you can screw that up.

So I'm just panicking

and having, I think,

my very first panic attack.

I don't know what else

you could describe it as.

And I'm like, "Uhh, uhh!"

And all of a sudden,

my divemaster comes down,

smashes my mask against

my face, looks me in the eye,

and he's like...

[breathing] "Breathe."

And then he holds my hand.

I'm like,

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck you.

"I'm gonna--as soon as

we get to land,

"I'm gonna fuck

the shit out of you.

"This the hottest rescue

I've ever had.

Oh, my God, I love

a man in charge of me."

And then we did

the rest of our dive

holding hands

like an underwater couple.

I've never been so happy.

My friends were

all looking at me,

giving me the finger

underwater.

Then we got to the top

after our dive,

and we got in the little boat,

and he took his mask off

and I was like,

"Oh, whoopsie doodle.

You're gonna wanna

put that back on."

I was skiing in

Switzerland once

and I wiped out really badly

and I ended up tearing my ACL.

And so I'm, like, tumbling down

this mountain.

I was skiing

out of control,

and I paid the price for it.

And I--as I'm crashing,

I hear,

click, click, click,

click, click.

And I'm like, oh my God,

my legs are gone.

You know, like,

I'll just be

a floating neck

when I stop.

And I stopped, finally,

and I look up

at my Austrian ski guide,

and he's, like,

smoking a cigarette.

He's like... [in accent]

"You just tore your ACL.

Helicopter is coming."

I was like, "Helicopter?

This is exciting."

And a helicopter came in,

we're in the Swiss Alps,

and my three girlfriends

are just staring at me like,

"Again?"

And they come down,

and these two medics run out

and they run over to me

and I'm lying on the ground.

And they're like,

"Are you okay?"

And I'm trying to be tough.

I'm like, "Yes, I'm okay."

They're like,

"Are you in pain?"

I'm like, "Nope."

And they're like,

"No morphine?"

I'm like, "I'm in pain!"

And then they whisk me away

on the stretcher

back to the helicopter,

and I get in the helicopter.

The wind is blowing;

the propellers are blowing;

there's snow everywhere.

It was so romantic.

And I get in, and there's

two pilots and two medics.

I'm like, I'm gonna

fuck all four of these guys.

I'm like, this is gonna be

like a reverse gangbang.

Look at me.

So turned on,

so turned on by that rescue.

I was like...

[moaning]

But it was a 45-minute ride

to the hospital

and they had

these thick German accents

and I'm a Jew,

so I was like,

well, I'm not fuckin'

these guys.

Not giving these Nazis

another victory.

I'll take one of you,

but not all four, not today.

And when I finished

telling Dan that,

he was looking at me funny

and he said,

"You know, I really think

you need to settle down.

"You need to stop.

You're moving very, very fast.

"And it seems to me

that you could benefit a lot

from meditation."

And I was like...

[groans]

Meditation, to me, sounded like

room-temperature water.

And he said, "I want you

to commit to meditation

for three months."

And I was like, "Three months?

That's like a pregnancy."

And he was like, "Eh,

that's nine months, Chelsea.

Pregnancy is nine months,

and you know that."

I go, "You know what, Dan,

some are nine,

"some are three, some are one.

Don't even get me started,

okay."

And then cannabis became legal

in the state of California.

And there was all of this

education that has been missing

for all of these years

with cannabis.

You no longer had

to take a cookie and find out

you were on a transcontinental

flight seven hours later.

Cannabis became my gateway drug

into meditating.

It allowed me

to, like, slow down.

It was cannabis and meditation

and therapy.

And it was working.

I was slowing down.

And I was thinking

before I spoke,

which, before I met Dan,

was something

that never even occurred to me.

And with microdosing,

you know, you could take, like,

2 1/2 milligrams,

1 milligram,

5 milligrams--

you take a blueberry--

you're never gonna be

off your rocker.

It just sanded down the edges,

and I stopped watching the news

24 hours a day

and I stopped being so angry

at Donald Trump and Ivanka.

You know, I was able

to focus on other things

and I was able to be

happier and lighter

and I started drinking less,

which was a sentence

that I thought would never ever

come out of my mouth.

And I was so excited

because now cannabis

can be a drug that you control,

not a drug that controls you.

So I was excited about

the prospects of cannabis,

not only in my life,

but all my friends'

and family's lives.

All the people I've been

prescribing medication to

were now getting cannabis

instead.

Anybody who had trouble

sleeping,

I'm like, try this gummy.

Anybody who had anxiety,

I'm like, try this edible,

try this mint, try this

chocolate-covered blueberry.

It was helping

all sorts of people,

and I was doing research

and collecting data

and I was keeping notes

in my medical journal.

The best part, I think,

about edibles is that

you take a little edible,

and then sometimes

you forget you've taken one,

and then, like, 45 minutes

later, you're like, mm,

everything's a little bit

more sparkly, you know?

Everybody's a little bit

less fuckin' annoying,

and you're like, yeah, I could

talk to you for another hour.

So my family came out

to visit me in LA

for Thanksgiving,

and my sister's

a recovering Mormon,

and I said, "Hey, I want you

to try this.

"Like, I know you don't like

fun, but do you wanna

try this chocolate-covered

blueberry?"

I said, "I think

you're gonna like it."

And she's like,

"Yeah, yeah, I'll try it."

And she loved it.

She came back into the kitchen

an hour later.

She goes, "Oh, sissy,

I feel so warm and fuzzy."

I go, "Isn't it great?"

And she goes,

"Oh, my God, yes.

"This is, like,

better than drinking.

This is just--

I love everybody."

And I'm like, "I know.

Do you want another one?"

She said, "Can I?"

I go, "Oh, yeah."

And I put in my medical

journal, "She's taking two."

An hour later, she walked

into the living room

from the kitchen

with a frozen ham

underneath her arm.

And I'm like, "What--what--

what's that about?"

I'm like, "You wanna

cook a ham right now?"

She's like, "No, I just opened

the freezer and saw this,

and it reminded me of Mom."

I was like, "Oh, sissy,

let's go to bed."

So we went upstairs,

and we got into bed.

I took the frozen ham

and I threw it in the sauna.

I was like, this will be ready

at some point.

And we got into bed,

and we were just, like,

snuggling and cuddling

like sisters do,

and we were laughing

and it was so fun.

And it was like

we were like little girls.

And she was like,

"Oh, my God.

This the best feeling."

She's like, "I can't believe

we're in our 40s

"and we still get

to act like this.

How long are we gonna be able

to act like this?"

And I'm like, "Sissy, we will

always be able

to act like this."

And then I stuck my finger

in her butt,

and she passed right out.

So I walked into Dan's office

after my family left,

and I was like, "Hey, Dan."

I go,

"Cannabis has changed my life.

I'm meditating"--

I was meditating every morning

for 20 minutes.

I was going to the airport.

I wasn't even going

to the Fox News lounge.

I wasn't yelling at people

who disagreed with me

politically.

I was trying

to have compassion and empathy.

And I was being more patient,

and I was holding my tongue

more.

And I said, "You know,

listen, Dan, like,

"cannabis is the way

to keep families together.

"Like, this is the best

family vacation we've ever had.

Like, everyone got along.

It was fun."

And he said, "Great.

I'm in support of that."

And he handed me an orange,

very casually.

He said, "Hey, I picked this

off my tree this morning.

I thought you might like

an orange."

And I was revolted.

I was like, "Orange?"

I'm like, first of all,

he knows how I feel

about this color

since the election.

And then I burst into tears,

and I was so embarrassed,

'cause he had not seen me cry

and I didn't want him

to see me cry.

And I immediately put up

the orange

in front of my eyes.

I was, like, holding it,

and then I was stabbing it

with my thumb,

so the citrus was squirting

into my eyes.

I was like, "Ow, shit."

And then I was really crying,

and then I was, like,

convulsively crying.

And there was snot

coming out of everywhere.

And then at one point,

somehow, snot had alley-ooped

up to my forehead and then

dropped back down to my chin.

I looked like Brett Kavanaugh

during his senate

confirmation hearing.

[imitates wailing]

Like a big white male baby.

[groans]

And finally, I dropped it.

And I looked at him,

and I knew I had no way out.

And I said, "I need to tell you

about the day my brother died

and what happened

to my family."

And I told him

about my brother,

that there were six of us,

and I was the youngest.

I was the baby, and my brother

Chet was the oldest.

He was the only family member

who understood

that I was born

going through menopause,

that I was a sweaty baby,

you know, and that eventually

I would have to retire

somewhere probably

in the Arctic.

And he was the only person

in my family

who knew that when I ate soup,

I had to be topless,

'cause I would

immediately start sweating.

And when I was a little girl,

that was fine.

And--but when I was eight,

I remember

we had this summer house

in Martha's Vineyard,

and my--my--my, like,

buds had come in.

You know, they weren't

really boobs yet,

but they were just, like,

flappy titties,

where your, like,

nipple just goes down

before it's gonna burst,

you know.

And I remember hearing

my father say to my brother,

"You gotta cover her up

if you go into town now.

Like, she can't

be topless anymore."

'Cause I walked around topless

my entire childhood.

And I remember hearing that.

I'm like, "Ugh.

What's he talking about?"

And my brother

took me into town

to go to this place

called the Quarterdeck,

where we would always

get fast food.

We would get--I mean,

it wasn't fast food,

but it was, like, you know,

a Vineyard place.

You get takeout,

like, fried clams,

or a lobster roll

or steamers

or whatever you're into.

And I remember that day.

I was sitting there,

and I was holding

my brother's hand

at the takeout counter,

and I was like,

"I'll have the clam chowder."

He's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

He goes, "No cla--

let's not do soup today."

And I said, "What do you mean?

I want clam chowder."

He's like, "Ehh, that's not--

we can't have that today.

"Like, we can take it to go,

"but we can't sit out

and eat clam chowder.

We'll explain it to you

when we get home."

And I was like,

"But I really want it."

And he said, "Okay.

"If you really want it,

we can go in my car

and you can eat it

in the car."

And I was like,

"All right, whatever."

And I'll never forget that day.

I sat in my brother's car

eating my clam chowder

with my top off,

just sweating.

And my brother had his back

against the passenger's side

window

to cover up the little

eight-year-old girl

that was nude in his car.

Just like R. Kelly.

And we used to have this game

where we'd be, like--

he'd come home from work,

and he'd come

running up to my parents' room,

and I was always hiding

under the covers

in my mom's bed.

And he'd come up and go,

"Where is she? Where is she?"

It'd be, like,

at 11:00 at night.

And I'd hide under the covers

and my mom would be like,

"She's not here."

And I'd be like,

"Shut up, Mom.

You're not even in this game."

And then he'd grab me

by the ankles under the covers,

throw me over his shoulders

and we'd run downstairs

and we'd go into the kitchen

and I'd make him

a big bowl of Raisin Bran.

And I knew the exact

right ratio of Raisin Bran

to bananas to milk

that he liked.

And I would make him his dinner

and then we'd sit there

like a couple

and talk about our day.

And I remember him telling me

he wasn't coming

to Martha's Vineyard that year

because he was going

on a hiking trip

in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

And I was mad because I would

always drive up with him,

and he would leave

the window down the whole way

so I could have fresh air

blowing in my face

and be topless.

And he said, "Don't worry.

I'll meet you

"in two weeks on the Vineyard.

I will never, ever

leave you with these people."

And then he went

to Jackson Hole, Wyoming,

and fell off a cliff

and died three days later.

[voice breaking]

And Dan said, "What...

then what happened?"

And I said, "I just--

"I just remember

going into the kitchen

"and throwing away

all the cereal.

"Like, cereal was over.

It was a wrap on it.

"Childhood was over.

Our family was over.

I haven't had cereal

since that day."

And he said, "What happened

with your family?"

And I said, "It was awful."

My father was

this big, strong man

who was in charge of everything

and didn't fuck around.

I'd never seen my father cry.

And I remember sitting shiva--

you know, what Jews do

when people die--

with all these relatives

and neighbors and strangers

coming to our house,

and my dad,

who was so strong

and so in charge,

sitting on the couch

like a baby, crying.

And I was looking at him,

and I was so embarrassed.

I was like,

"What are you doing?

"What is happening,

what--he's dead,

"and you're gonna di--

what are you doing?

"Where the fuck

are the adults right now?

I'm nine, I--

what is happening?"

And I remember, I thought,

oh, I got--

I gotta grow up.

This is--this is it.

It's over.

And at some point, we went back

to Martha's Vineyard,

to our summer house, and my dad

was sitting on the deck,

and we had a house

in front of the water.

And he was sitting on the deck,

and my parents' faces had

changed after my brother died.

They were just old,

all of the sudden.

And they were gray--

and gray in the face,

and I wanted joy back.

I didn't know

what was happening.

I just wanted to bring joy

to them again.

I wanted them to laugh again.

I wanted...

anything to happen.

And I remember I walked outside

and I saw my father

sitting there,

just holding his head.

And it was a beautiful

sunny day,

and I said, "Hey, Dad,

"can we please just

go in the water?

I was like, "Please?"

And he said,

"No one's going in the water.

My boy is dead."

And I walked off the deck,

and I thought,

I'm gonna go in alone.

And the only rule

in my family growing up

was you could not

swim by yourself.

You could shoot heroin

or hide a body,

but you could not swim alone.

"Jaws" was filmed

on Martha's Vineyard, okay.

We were scared of

that mechanical shark

for a long time.

But I didn't care, 'cause--

and I was so scared

to defy my father.

My father would--you know,

he would smack me.

Like, I was scared of him,

especially in that state.

But I didn't care

because my need for joy

was paramount to my fear.

And I walked off the deck,

and I remember

walking down to the water,

and I just said,

keep going, keep going.

And I got in the water,

and I swam out, like, 20 yards

and I turned around.

And he had gone inside.

And...

Dan said,

"Sit with that feeling."

And I said, "I can't.

It's too painful."

He said, "Sit with it.

What do you feel right now?"

I'm like, "I'm so angry.

I'm so angry."

And he said, "Yes, but what's

underneath the anger?"

And I'm like, "Hurt.

I'm fucking hurt.

"I'm hurt that my brother

went off and ditched me

"when he told me

he was gonna come back.

And then my father ditched me."

And he said, "Yes,

what's underneath the hurt?"

I'm like, "I don't know, Dan,

I'm paying you

to tell me

what's underneath the hurt."

He said, "Rejection.

"You took that as rejection,

"because that's what

a nine-year-old girl thinks.

"It doesn't matter that your

brother had a hiking accident.

"It matters that he told you

he was coming back

"and he didn't come back,

"so for a nine-year-old

little girl, he rejected you.

"And then your father

rejected you,

"so you were broken up with

twice by the age of nine.

"This is why,

when I handed you an orange,

"you were revolted,

"because it requires you

to be vulnerable with a man,

"and you don't trust men,

because the two men

you trusted the most lied."

And he said, "This is where

your lack of empathy comes in.

"How are you meant

to have empathy for anyone

"when you've never even

grieved yourself?

"You've never allowed

yourself to

because you had to be strong."

And I'm looking at him,

hearing these things,

and I'm like...

"Oh, my God,

I wanna fuck you, too."

He's like, "You don't

wanna fuck me."

I'm like,

"I do in this moment.

I wanna fuck you."

He's like, "No, you want

someone to take care of you.

"That's why you hire guides

"and why you hook up

with guides,

'cause you're paying them

to take care of you."

And he's like,

"And you're also paying them,

technically,

to have sex with you."

I'm like,

"Dan, that's too far."

I didn't know that my brother's

death was defining me.

I didn't know that

I had the ability to say no

to being defined by death.

[sighs]

Now I was with a person

who could help me process

what happened

and turn the parts of me

that still acted

like a nine-year-old

little girl

into a self-actualized adult

who had come to

a better understanding

of what it means

to dig deep and admit

that you're in pain,

thereby relinquishing

that pain

or beginning to

relinquish that pain.

My brother dying no longer

had to define my existence.

It's part of who I am--

perhaps the biggest part--

but it's not all of me.

I define me.

I decide who I am.

No event or person does this.

I decide

how I'm going to behave

and I know now that

vulnerability is not weakness,

that vulnerability is strength.

So I was excited.

I went home.

I was packing my bags.

I was leaving for Clearwater,

Florida, the next day

to visit the Scientologists...

to try and knock some sense

into them.

And I got on my plane,

and I was feeling so good.

I had the information

that I needed

to understand why I reacted--

you know, I wasn't mad

at Donald Trump.

Of course I fuckin' hate

Donald Trump,

but that was representative

of the other time

my life became unhinged.

It was a trigger--a word

I never thought I would use.

But it made sense.

And I was putting

all these pieces together,

and I was so grateful.

And I was sitting on the plane,

and I saw this large man

walking towards me.

and I was like, oh, I hope

he doesn't sit next to me.

I could tell by his body type

that he was a Trump supporter.

He looked like a swollen tick.

And he had these denim pants--

they're on--

they weren't pants--

they weren't denim.

They looked denim,

but they were cloth.

And I was like...

[groans]

That is tricky.

I don't like that, I don't--

and then I was like,

no, no, no.

You--you're not

that person anymore.

You don't judge people based on

their denim-looking pants,

okay?

This person is a man

with a family.

Stop looking at the exterior

and start thinking

about the interior of people.

That's what Dan taught me.

I was like, this is

a man with a family.

I immediately closed my eyes.

Like, this is an opportunity.

This is an opportunity

to talk to somebody

who voted for Donald Trump

and actually be kind

and generous

and understand

or try to understand

why they would

do something like that.

So I closed my eyes,

and I'm doing my breathing.

I'm like, okay,

opportunity, opportunity.

I'm like, think about his

family; he's got a wife.

I'm like, well,

she probably hates him too.

I'm like, no.

I'm like, no, Chelsea.

Wives love husbands usually.

I mean, just--

no, he has children.

He's someone's father.

And I'm like,

they fuckin' hate him too.

I'm like, if they saw him

in these shorts,

they'd fuckin' be pissed too.

And I was like, no, no, no.

And then I--I was like, okay,

I can do this.

I ordered from the flight

attendant a bowl of cereal

for my first time

in 30 years.

I was like, I am gonna do this.

I'm gonna have

a bowl of cereal

with a side of Republican.

And I took my first bite

of cereal,

and that's when I smelled

my first fart.

There were eight.

I know this

because I counted,

because they were

like tsunamis.

You thought one was over,

and then it was done--

you know, a tsunami happens,

and the water recedes,

and people come down

from the trees,

and they're like,

"Okay, it's gone."

And then, fuck,

another wave is coming.

That's what that was like.

So the first one, I was like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that me?

Did I fart?

And then there was

the second one,

I'm like oh, he--

he's farting on me.

This Trump supporter

is really, really,

really checking me right now.

This is really testing me.

And then I'm thinking, like,

oh, my God,

he needs a panty shield,

you know.

Like, this is--

he needs something.

He definitely needs

a doxycycline.

So I went in my bag,

and I got some out.

I took one.

I also put one on his plate,

but I closed my eyes.

And I was like, just breathe,

breathe, breathe.

You can deal with this too.

This is just another challenge.

[inhales, exhales]

And then I realized

I was sucking the air

from his asshole into my nose.

And I was like, no...

[exhaling]

Remembered my--the Lamaze

from my fake daughter,

and I was like...

[breathing heavily]

And I kept my eyes shut.

I obviously lost my appetite.

I didn't eat anything else.

And when the flight attendant

came over to clear my tray,

I didn't even look up.

I just sat there trying

to get myself together.

And then finally, he got up

to go to the bathroom.

And when he did,

she came back over,

and she said,

"Are you okay?"

And I'm like, "Are you?"

And then I turned around

to look at the other

hostages...

I was like, "People are going

to pass away on this flight."

And she said, "Well, hopefully

he's just in the bathroom now

getting rid of it."

I said, "What?

You can't say that."

I was like,

"Getting rid of it?

"You need to call ahead

to the airport--

"you need to call ahead

to the airport and--

"do you guys have

a hospital there?

"Because he's gonna need

a colonoscopy.

"Okay, and you need to see

if there's a doctor

"or a vet on board, okay?

"This is a ser--

he went to Chipotle,

and things took

a hard left turn."

And he comes out

of the bathroom,

and she scuttles away,

and I'm like, oh, God.

I'm like, okay, okay, okay.

You have to think of

the most loving, kind way

to tell someone

to stop farting.

So he comes walking over,

and he sits down

and it's loud and...

[exhales]

I said, "Sir,

will you please

stop what you're doing?"

And he said, "Excuse me?"

I go, "Stop it with your butt."

[squeaks meekly]

And then I just covered my eyes

and I sat like this

for the rest of the flight,

rocking myself like a baby.

And I was like,

don't say anything else,

don't say anything else,

don't be a cunt,

don't be a cunt,

don't start a confrontation.

You've farted too.

You've farted too, okay.

You've had bad situations.

Remember Panda Express?

Remember?

Don't--

don't judge him,

don't judge him.

And I was so excited.

We were descending.

And I was like, you did it, you

did it, you didn't do anything.

Like, if that had

just been six months ago--

six months before

I had gone to therapy,

just six months--he would have

gone to the bathroom.

I would've formed a gang.

I would be the leader

of the gang.

I would've lurched at him

like this,

grabbed him by the neck,

pinned him down on the floor--

'cause I have strength

like that--

and flipped him over

like a baby

and stapled his asshole shut.

But I didn't do that

because I'm growing.

And they're called baby steps.

So as we were

leaving the plane--

the plane had landed,

he gathered his stuff.

I didn't make eye contact.

We never had the relationship

I thought we could have

because he ruined it

with his asshole.

And the flight attendant came

over as I was leaving,

and she's like, "It was a

pleasure having you on board."

I was like, "Yeah, thank you."

I was like,

"The pleasure was all yours."

And she said, "Hey,

can I ask you something?"

And I was like,

"Yeah, of course."

And she said, "I heard

a funny story about you once."

I was like, "Oh, really?"

I go, "Which one?"

She said, "I heard

you were so high once

you tried to get off

a plane mid-flight."

I said,

"I've heard that story too."

I said,

"That was Elizabeth Banks."

Thank you, guys!

Does anybody want

some complementary oranges?

There you go.

Thank you, New Jersey.

It's good to be home.

[upbeat music]

Oh, yeah!

Thank you, guys!

I love you guys.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪