Original subtitles

Okay, what's the temperature in... Acapulco?

I don't want to play "guess the temperature."

Come on, it's a good game. Acapulco.

Seventy-two.

No. Think.

Three hundred.

Wrong. You now owe me $10 million.

( doorbell ringing )

Okay, new game.

I give you the name of the deceased.

You tell me what they want in lieu of flowers.

Edna Rosenblatt.

Tree in Israel.

Okay, we're tied.

No... It's New Christine.

I don't want to talk to her.

Well, you can't just leave her out there.

Well, what could she possibly want?

She already got my ex-husband.

Maybe she wants to give him back.

Uh-uh. I've got a strict no-return policy.

All right, you know what?

Tell her I'm not here.

I think she can see you.

And hear you.

Oh, crap.

Matthew...

Do something.

Oh, hey, it's you.

Oh, yeah, I thought you were someone else.

Who?

Uh... Edna Rosenblatt.

From Acapulco.

And I did not want to see her.

I owe her a tree.

So, uh, what's up?

Oh, I wanted to run something by you.

Oh. The Rolling Stones

are playing tomorrow at the L.A. Auditorium,

and Richard and I thought it would be really fun

to take Ritchie to his first concert.

We listen to music in the car

all the time and Ritchie's really into it.

But I wanted to check and see how you felt about it.

The Rolling Stones?

Yeah. Most of them are still alive.

So is that okay?

No.

No?

No.

Oh. May I ask why?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. I, um...

I just don't think

that's a great place for kids, you know.

It's crowded and there's pot smoke and drunk people.

You know, if I wanted Ritchie exposed to that

I'd send him to his grandparents' for the summer.

Are you sure you won't change your mind?

I think so.

You think you're sure you won't?

You know, I don't know what you're asking,

but whatever you're asking, the answer is no.

Oh.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

What did she want?

Oh, she wanted to take Ritchie to a Rolling Stones concert.

I said no.

What do you mean, "no"?

Richard, what are you doing here?

I was out in the car.

Oh, so you sent New Christine in here to do your dirty work?

No, Christine wanted to be nice.

She didn't feel comfortable going to the concert

without running it by you first.

It wasn't an actual question.

It was a courtesy.

We don't need your permission.

Um, I think you do.

Um... No, I don't.

Um... I'm his mother.

Um... I'm his father.

Um... no, you're not.

What?

Ah, sorry.

Richard, come on.

A concert is not an appropriate place

for a little nine- year-old boy.

We have third-row orchestra seats.

It might be his only chance to see

the greatest band in rock and roll.

I saw them when I was his age, as my father did before me.

Your father also goes to the supermarket without a shirt on.

Christine,

in the two years we've been divorced,

I've never gone against your wishes

but this is really important to me

and I'm doing it.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to have to say this, but...

I forbid it.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you heard me. I forbid it.

I forbid you from taking him to the concert.

Oh, I didn't realize you forbid it.

I guess, in that case, I'll take Ritchie to the concert.

What?

No, no, no. I just forbid it.

We're not married.

You've lost your power to forbid.

That was my greatest power.

We're not gonna talk about this anymore.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not.

Yeah. Richard,

I... I forbid you

from leaving.

Richard, I forbid you from getting in the car.

I forbid you from making that gesture.

( car starting )

I'm powerless.

Yeah, I mean, right. So that's it?

There's nothing I can do?

All right, well, thanks for your help.

Any luck? No.

Our divorce mediator says there's nothing I can do.

It's Richard's night.

I told him what I was worried about, but apparently

a mother's intuition is not legally binding.

It's sexist.

How is that sexist?

'Cause we're both white, so it can't be racist.

God, this is so unfair.

When we were married, I had power.

I could forbid.

I could withhold sex.

I ruled with an iron fist.

Now that we're divorced, I'm not the boss of him anymore.

Why did I get divorced?

Yeah, and why would he divorce you?

So, what are you gonna do?

Nothing. There's nothing I can do.

Against my better judgment, I have to hand him over

into what I believe is an unsuitable environment.

Yeah. How could my divorce suck more than my marriage?

Are you sure you're okay, sweetie?

Because if you don't want to go...

I really want to go. I know, but if you

don't want to go... I want to go.

Listen, darling, it's okay with me if you don't want...

You're not listening to me.

Sorry.

It's just that I'm so excited for you

'cause it's your first concert.

Yippee.

But listen, honey,

I want you to remember something.

If you get lost, you look for anybody in a uniform.

Anybody?

Oh, no. Not anybody.

Not somebody in a Nazi uniform.

Or that uniform Michael Jackson wore for a while.

Oh, yeah. Right.

But anybody else in a uniform.

Okay.

( clears throat )

Oh, they're not here, so we better just...

Hey, there he is.

Ready for the concert, Ritchie?

Yay!

Don't worry, he's gonna be fine.

Yup. See you.

We'll have him home tomorrow.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Um...

I don't want him to sit too close to the speakers.

We've got earplugs.

And don't let him get dehydrated.

We're bringing water.

And please don't sit next to anybody who's smoking.

Christine, half the band's on oxygen.

No one's gonna be smoking. Bye.

But, wait, wait, uh...

What?

Uh... ( stammers )

Uh, Matthew?

Rock 'n' roll.

( whispers ): Bye.

Thanks a lot.

It's okay. We're gonna have fun, too.

Okay, new game.

I name the relative, you name their problem.

Uncle Jack.

Liver.

Cousin Laurie. Liver.

Great-grandpa Lloyd.

Liver.

Okay, bonus round...

Second cousin Allan.

Liver. They're all liver.

Okay, Mom's side of the family.

Lung.

Damn it.

Matthew, the idea of Ritchie

all alone with those freaks and druggies and Hell's Angels.

He's going downtown, not to Vietnam.

He's not gonna be alone. He's with Richard.

Yeah, that's my point.

Look, Richard's a good guy.

I mean, he can be a goofball sometimes

and he does laugh a little too hard at The Wizard of Id, but,

I mean, he loves that kid as much as you do.

He's not going to let anything bad happen to him.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean, what really could happen?

Exactly. It's not like he's going with our dad.

Then there'd be something to worry about.

Why, what do you mean?

Well, you remember Dad took me to the Dodger game.

He let me go to the bathroom alone, and I got lost.

Yeah, I was crying, I couldn't find my seat.

No one would help me because it was a close game.

I ended up

wandering into the locker room.

Didn't you ever wonder why I have that picture of me

next to Fernando Valenzuela in his underwear?

Dad let you go to the bathroom all by yourself?

Oh, my God.

That's exactly the kind of thing Richard would do.

Oh, my God.

I married my father.

That's big, but I'll deal with that later.

Richard's not like that.

Yes, he is!

One day he left Ritchie in the ball pit at Ikea.

He came all the way home and assembled a bookshelf

before he realized that he was gone.

To this day, Ritchie cannot eat a meatball

without bursting into tears.

Oh, my God.

Oh... Ritchie!

( sighs )

I'm, I'm sorry. You want tickets for what?

The Rolling Stones. Two tickets.

They're seated in the third-row orchestra,

so something close to that.

All right. Well, let's see what we've got.

Is the, uh, front row okay?

Yeah, that'd be perfect.

Wait. I might have something a little bit closer.

Yeah, two tickets right on stage.

Now it's a little louder,

but you might get to dance with Mick.

Oh, yeah, we'll take those.

How high are you, huh?

We're completely sold out.

It's the Rolling Stones.

If you don't have tickets, then why are you even open?

Because I'm selling tickets to Kristi Yamaguchi,

the Wiggles On Ice, and the Gay Rodeo.

Whoa. Is that all one show?

'Cause I'd see that.

Matthew.

Sir, I'm sorry, let me just explain to you

my situation, okay?

My nine-year-old son is in there with his father

and his new girlfriend,

and there's a very strong possibility

that he's going to let him go to the bathroom on his own.

I'm so sorry. I didn't... I didn't know. Oh, that's all right.

We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this.

Is the fourth row okay?

That would be great.

Okay. Oh, let me just get those for you.

Where do we keep them?

Ah, they're right here.

He's not getting the tickets, is he?

Oh, no, sweetie, he's not.

Let's get out of here. We'll go get you some chaps

for the Gay Rodeo.

No, I have to get in there

to see what's happening with Ritchie.

Why don't you just call Richard

on his cell phone and check up on him?

Because then he'll dig his heels in deeper.

He's stubborn, like Daddy.

Oh!

Maybe you're overreacting.

Richard's a pretty good dad.

I know, I know,

but I just got to get in close enough

so I can keep an eye on Ritchie without Richard knowing.

All right, you know, I hate to have to do this,

but I may have to pull out my secret weapons.

Oh, God, you're not

dragging those things out again, are you?

Hey, these babies got me into Live Aid on two continents

and the L.A. County Fair when I left my purse in the car.

It's kind of hard to believe you're the more responsible parent.

I know, right?

Oh, my God, I won't have to.

There he is, all alone.

I knew it! Ritchie!

Ritchie, it's okay, sweetie. Mommy is here.

Oh!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, sorry, I thought that was my son.

Well, it's not.

You know what?

You should keep a closer eye on your kid.

This is a rock concert.

What kind of mother are you?

All right, that's it. We're going in.

This can't be good for me.

Now, where are you going?

Uh, I'm with them.

No, you're not.

Am I with them... now?

No, you're getting further away.

Look, this is really important.

It's always really important, but there's nothing I can do.

If I let every middle-aged, oversexed fan in...

Middle-aged?

I'm not middle-aged. I'm young!

I'm spry.

For your information, I can still do a back bend.

I mean, from a lying-down position

and I'll need you to spot me.

Okay, I don't do that.

Now get out of here.

Oh, come on. I really need to get in there.

Nothing I can do.

Well, that's what they said at the L.A. County Fair.

You looking?

Thank you.

What?

You said "good-looking."

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. I said, "You looking?"

Why would I say "good-looking"?

Because I'm good-looking.

Well, I guess you're pretty good-looking.

Thank you.

Um...

( whispers ): Do you know anyone selling tickets?

Yeah, I'm selling.

Ah, yes, looking.

I'm definitely looking.

What do you need?

Uh, two tickets on the floor.

Uh, no problem.

$500 a pop.

Whoa, that's a little out of my range.

What do you have for $50?

I can get you a T-shirt

with "The Rolling Stones" spelled wrong.

Really? That's the best you can do?

Yeah.

For a good-looking guy like me?

Excuse me. Do you work here?

Yeah.

Okay, I have got to get inside

and I don't have time to play games,

so let's quit cuttin' bait and start fishing.

Cool.

Okay, can I get in?

I just work concessions.

Oh, my God, I just flashed you for nothing?

I can get you a small soda.

Small soda?

Okay, a diet, please.

Hey.

Where'd you get the soda?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I have good news.

Two tickets, tenth-row orchestra.

Matthew, that's great!

Only 300 bucks.

300 bucks?

I talked him down from $500,

plus I got him to throw in

this Rolling Scones T-shirt.

Hey, at least we're getting in.

I'll be able to see Ritchie,

and hey, it might be the last time

we're able to see the Stones.

( audience cheering )

We're not going to be able to see the Stones, are we?

No, sweetie, we're not.

Oh, damn it!

It went right to voicemail again.

Where are they?

I'm sure they're on their way.

( whiny ): Let's just go home.

No. I want to be here when they get back.

God, the concert ended two hours ago.

This is exactly what I was afraid of, you know?

Oh! I'm so used to being there for him.

I mean, and now one day a week

and every other weekend, I have no say

in what he does or where he goes.

There's nothing I can do about it.

That sucks.

I know.

Oh, God.

All right, give me my bra back.

These things are sticking to my stomach.

This definitely is not good for me.

( both scream )

I haven't woken up to that view in a long time.

At least now I know why you married him.

What the hell are you two doing here?

Richard, the better question is where were you all night?

What? I was here.

No, you weren't,

'cause we went to the concert and we came right back here

and you never showed up.

Because we never left.

We decided not to go

to the concert, so we rented movies.

We were in bed by 9:00.

Didn't go to the concert?

New Christine talked me out of it.

She did?

Yeah. She saw how upset you were

when you dropped Ritchie off

so she couldn't go through with it.

She did that for me? Why?

She's nice.

Oh.

Well, tell her I said thanks.

Maybe you should tell her yourself.

Yeah. This is a great way to start the day.

So, you saw the Stones?

I'm afraid so.

You should really wear underwear under that robe.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Christine.

Oh, hi. You here to pick up Ritchie?

He's still asleep.

Oh, no, actually, I wanted to talk to you.

Um,

look, I know I'm not always

the nicest person to you,

and sometimes I make fun of you.

I, uh, I do this bit where you... where you can't

figure out how to open up a window.

People seem to really like it,

but it's probably not fair to you.

Yeah, I heard about that bit.

I also heard about the one

where I try to drink a soda with my ear.

And that one-- while... while very funny--

is, um, is also rather unfair to you.

You know, Richard told me that you talked him out

of going to the concert, and I just wanted to thank you.

I could see you were upset.

I'm not a mother, but I have one.

After my folks got divorced,

my dad used to do things just to make my mother mad.

That's how I got my ears pierced... and my tattoo...

and my half brother.

I always felt bad for my mom.

Oh, well, you know,

I don't think Richard was doing this just to get to me.

Oh, no, of course not. Richard's a great dad.

But I want you to know, as long as I'm around,

I'm going to look out for Ritchie and for you.

Oh, wow, thanks.

You're a really decent person, aren't you?

It's not that hard.

Well, anyway, I won't do those bits anymore...

probably.

Harder for some people than others.

You know what?

That is a really great bra.

It really holds everything up there.

What, what kind is that?

I'm not wearing a bra.

You know, you make it really hard to be nice to you.