Original subtitles

What? What is all that?

I was just going through some family photos.

Ten albums.

You know how many pictures there are of me?

Two.

That's not you.

One.

I'm sure you're in here somewhere.

( gasps ): Oh, my God.

My wedding video.

Yeah, that's probably all you, too.

You were there.

With your braces

and your thin little mustache.

And your cape.

God, yeah, the cape.

That was a rough phase.

No wonder I had to go to the prom with my math tutor.

Yeah, and that would never have happened if Mom hadn't paid her.

She paid her?

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, God, I hate myself.

We're back.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. Oh, hi, sweetie. How was karate?

It was great.

I kicked my teacher right in the wiener.

Huh. Same thing happened in his piano lesson.

Okay, go change for dinner, buddy.

Okay, Mom. Okay.

( laughs )

Kee-ya!

Ritchie was really good.

Mr. Kim went down hard.

Yeah.

You should have seen Mrs. Keating

fall off that piano bench.

Okay, I'm going to take off.

Okay.

Oh, and it's our turn to bring snacks

to his next class, so I'll pick something up.

Oh, that's okay. You know what? I can get it.

Christine,

I said I'd do it.

I think I'm capable of picking up snacks

for a group of nine-year-olds.

Of course you are.

What are you going to get?

Well, let's see, nine-year-olds, so,

cigarettes and hookers?

I'll bring donuts and some soda.

Oh, no, no. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're going to feed two sugars

to a group of nine-year-olds in a karate class?

Why don't you just lop off Mr. Kim's wiener now

and save yourself the trouble?

Okay, Christine, why don't you just tell me what you want,

and I'll get it?

No, I'm not going to tell you.

You know what to bring.

I'm not your mother.

What are you going to bring?

You're so amazingly controlling.

I have to be.

Otherwise, you'd wander around aimlessly

until I told you what to do.

Wow. Now I know what Mr. Kim's wiener feels like.

So, I guess Richard's all mad at me now.

Yeah, well, tough.

If the man doesn't know how to get snacks,

I'm mean, you've got to direct him a little.

You know, it doesn't make me controlling

just because he's helpless.

You know, I want things done right.

Exactly.

Men get all mad when you tell them how to do things.

You know, but if I didn't show Pete the way every now and then,

he'd still be handling these

like he was working on a pottery wheel.

You know what?

That doesn't sound that bad to me.

CHRISTINE: Oh, my God.

Barb, look at.

That's our old marriage counselor.

That's Hilary.

Wow. I haven't seen her since Richard and I split up.

God. Mm. She was such a good marriage counselor.

Yeah, I mean, up until Richard and I got divorced, yeah.

I mean, she had this way of drawing me out, you know?

She'd just look at me and I'd blurt out all these dark,

intimate things that I didn't even know I felt.

Alka Seltzer cold medicine does that for me.

Hi.

Um, I wanted to join, and I was wondering

if you do a month-to-month plan?

Hello, Hilary.

Yeah, it's me.

Hello.

Christine Campbell.

Of Richard and Christine.

You were our therapist.

Oh, oh, oh.

Christine Campbell.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes. How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

I mean, Richard and I are divorced now,

and I'm not dating anyone.

I mean, I've had a few nibbles, but nothing too serious.

Sometimes I'm lonely. You know...

Mornings are hard, but...

but mostly I'm okay, you know?

Oh, this is my black friend Barb.

Oh, my God, Barb,

I am so sorry.

I don't... I don't... I don't know why I said that.

You know, it's her, and she makes me say things that just...

It's-It's okay.

It's-It's been the unspoken thing

between us for years.

Good luck.

Actually, you know, she's great, really.

We've been black friends for years.

I don't...

What-what... What am I doing? I...

So-so, how is Richard?

Do you still see each other?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

And he's able to do that?

Uh, why-why wouldn't he be able to do that?

Oh, no reason.

I just thought that once he finally got away from your...

( guttural groan )

You know what? Doesn't matter.

Water under the bridge, right?

Locker room's this way or...?

Um, wait a minute. Hilary? Hmm?

Uh,, when you just went...

( choking sounds )

like, were you implying

that I was the problem in our marriage?

No. No, no, no.

Oh. Good.

Good, 'cause, I mean, we both had our issues.

Sure.

Yeah.

The divorce was no one's fault.

Okay.

You know, you're not my therapist anymore,

so if you, like, have an opinion,

why don't you just spit it out?

Um, I can't.

It's unethical.

Well, just tell me. Was the divorce my fault?

I'm not going to answer that.

Was it someone's fault? Yes.

Was it his fault? No.

Matthew, do I drive men away?

I'll get out of here.

No, no, no.

Listen to me.

This morning, Richard was here, and he accused me

of being too controlling,

and we got into this whole argument about it.

And then our old marriage counselor shows up

at the gym, and she basically says

that it was my fault that our marriage broke up.

Was it?

Did I drive Richard away?

Was I that bad?

No! You?

No!

Shut up.

I'm not.

I mean, yes, I have my stuff.

But Richard had his stuff, too.

Definitely. Every relationship has two people with stuff.

Yeah.

So, I mean, why didn't she remember his stuff,

you know?

'Cause he's got a boat load of it.

You know, weird weight issues, weird manhood issues.

Still kisses his mother on the lips.

Oh, is that bad?

Well, maybe she has you confused

with another couple.

Yes. Yes.

I bet that is exactly what it is,

because if she knew who we were, then she would remember

that we both had our issues.

I mean, Richard was passive-aggressive.

He didn't try to get along with our family at all.

And he always left me with an empty tank of gas.

And what were your issues?

I had to put up with his crap.

What are you watching here?

Oh. Is this my wedding video?

Yeah, and I'm nowhere.

Well, you were there.

Unless there was another guest

in a tuxedo T-shirt and a cape.

How did I not get laid that year?

( laughs )

Oh...

Look at us!

Oh, look at me.

Oh, God, I looked great.

Ah, I could have married anyone.

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love."

"Let it rather be a moving sea

between the shores of your souls."

"Fill each other's cup...

( clears throat )

"...but drink not from... from one cup."

( suppressed giggle )

I'm sorry.

"Give one another of your bread...

( camera shutters click )

but eat not from the same loaf."

( laughing )

( laughing harder )

( supressing laughter )

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm sorry.

This is silly.

Dude.

Ah...

I don't need some poem to tell you how I feel.

I love you, Christine.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

( sniffles )

( crying )

I love you.

( crying )

Christine?

Oh, hey, come on in.

What's so important?

You know I hate coming here.

Why?

Because it's a women's gym, and I always hear

these weird snippets of conversations

about cycles and flow.

I swear to God, I would hear the word "yeast" less

if you owned a bakery.

Yeah, well, deal with it.

That's what women talk about instead of killing.

So, what's the big emergency?

And it'd better not be the snacks

because I took care of it.

Yeah, what'd you get?

I'm going to do it after this.

So, you're never gonna believe who joined the gym yesterday.

Our old marriage counselor.

Hilary?

Yep.

She's got us confused with some other couple

and I'm gonna jog her memory.

Well, I don't want to see her, so I'm leaving.

Crap. She saw us.

Crap.

She saw me say "crap."

Why are you doing this?

'Cause she got us totally confused

with some other couple.

Richard Campbell!

Holy cow!

( nervous laughter )

I was just thinking about you.

Somebody had a birthday a couple of weeks ago.

So you remember Richard?

Yeah. I remember both of you.

( sotto voce ): Damn it!

And Christine, what do I do with this towel?

Just stick it somewhere.

Okay. Take care.

Bye.

( sighing in exasperation )

What?

( scoffs )

She knows exactly who we are,

so she really does think that the divorce is my fault.

Why was she being so nice to you?

Your birthday isn't until next month.

No, it was two weeks ago.

Oh.

Happy Birthday.

Just let it go, Christine.

It's ancient history.

Besides, why do you care what she thinks?

Because she's a professional therapist.

Well, she wasn't a very good one.

She was too opinionated, she was late for appointments,

she slept with her clients, she...

What?

Yeah. Yeah, remember?

Every appointment, like, ten minutes late.

She slept with her clients?

Oh.

Did she? I don't know.

Oh, my God!

You slept with our therapist?

Just twice.

And she was late for that, too.

I can't believe this,

you slept with our therapist?! Christine.

Christine, take it easy. I-I...

Take it easy. Take it easy.

It happened long after we broke up.

It was very innocent:

We pulled up next to each other at a stop light,

then we had sex.

That is disgusting.

Pig!

What'd you do the second time,

throw her down on the Venice Boardwalk?

You're ridiculously close.

Ugh.

Pig.

It was a rebound thing, it didn't mean anything.

What, are you kidding me, Richard?

If she had the hots for you during our therapy,

then she was probably steering us toward a breakup

rather than helping you resolve your issue.

What?

Our divorce is a sham.

Don't say that.

Don't you say that--

we've got a great divorce.

I don't know, Richard.

I don't know.

I mean, we were in a very vulnerable position

when we saw her,

and we were getting advice

from somebody with an ulterior motive.

Are you saying you think we could have worked it out?

I don't know what to think.

Pig!

Hey, Richard.

Um, Christine, you've got to get out there.

There's a group of ladies in the bathroom

who are about to riot.

Everyone who works out on Wednesday is on the same cycle,

and you're out of Maxi Pads.

It's like a CSI crime scene in there.

Oh, my God, I got to get out of here.

Christine, please, I'll do anything.

I'll get any snacks you want

if you just let me go.

Yeah, go ahead.

I love doing that to him.

Oh, God.

I can't... I can't sit in this dress.

I can't. Why not?

Plus, I haven't eaten anything since winter.

I'm afraid if I take one bite,

I'm going to blow out the whole zipper.

But that's okay, you eat, it doesn't matter.

I'll just drink.

Come here, baby.

Mm?

Check this out.

What?

Hi!

( zipping ) ( gasping )

Oh...

You like that?

Okay, nothing that we do tonight

will ever feel as good as that just did.

( laughs )

Want to bet?

Oh, my God...

Who do you love?

The caterer.

Aw...

Look at you two!

That's cute.

Hi, Barb.

You having fun?

Oh, yeah. Beautiful wedding.

Really elegant. Yeah.

Listen, can I borrow ten bucks?

I didn't realize it was a cash bar.

Hey, Richard, no offense,

but you got some ugly groomsmen.

They look more like pallbearers.

( laughing )

If I'm going home with any of them,

I'm going to need to get my drunk on.

Is that thing on?

Come on, keep it coming, keep it coming.

More, more.

More, more.

Why are you watching that?

I don't know.

You were around when Richard and I were having problems.

Was I? It's not documented in any photographs.

Would you shut up and help me? I'm sorry.

It's not just the pictures.

It's everything.

They never helped me with my homework.

They gave my bedroom to that exchange student-- Pierre.

And then just because my birthday

comes a week before Christmas,

they always told me the tree was my present.

Was it really over between me and Richard?

I mean, what would have happened

if we'd hung in there?

Why are you saying this?

You and Richard were made to be divorced.

You know that.

I mean, I thought I did, I really did.

But then I just found out that Richard slept with our marriage counselor.

We never had a marriage counselor.

We weren't even married.

Would you listen to me?

I am in a crisis.

I am in a crisis, too!

I just can't stop thinking about that Hilary.

Do you really think you and Richard would still be married

if Hilary wasn't your therapist?

I don't know. Who's to say?

I can say.

Your marriage was a mess.

Christine, look, can I be honest with you?

Yes. But not about my body.

Or my hair.

Or what other people are saying about me.

Have a nice day.

WOMAN ( over PA ): Change stations now.

Okay, what, what?

You've got to stop blaming everybody else

for the breakup of your marriage.

I'm not blaming.

I just want to know whose fault it was.

It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

Whose fault do you think it was?

(imitating woman over PA ): Change stations now.

No. No. No.

Come on, come on. You have an opinion.

I want to know what it is.

Man, I hate this gym.

Tell me.

Look, I've been your black friend for 25 years now,

and you know I love you,

but, Christine, you are a control freak.

I mean, you called all the shots in that relationship.

You ended your marriage, nobody else.

WOMAN ( over PA ): Change stations now.

That was her.

I don't want to do this today.

Ritchie, come on, buddy.

Karate was your idea.

Remember we talked about this

when I paid for the 12-week course?

This can't be like tennis,

when you took one lesson and decided to quit.

I want to play tennis again.

Ritchie, I'm not doing this.

You're taking karate and that's it.

Okay, now get out there and kick some wiener.

Hey. Hey.

Oh.

How's he doing?

Well, better than basketball.

At least I got him out of the locker.

( groans )

You okay?

Yeah. Look, uh...

I owe you an apology, okay?

The divorce wasn't Hilary's fault.

It wasn't your fault.

Apparently, it was my fault.

I made the decision to get divorced.

I'm a control freak, and I always have been.

I mean, look at this, look at this.

I even brought the snacks,

and this was after I made the realization

that I'm a control freak.

Christine...

You see? Even now, even now I want to say something

about what you're wearing, and I'm not even married to you.

I mean, what do I care?

Do you have another pair of jeans?

I can't help myself.

I'm a monster.

I ruined our marriage, and now I'm ruining our divorce.

Christine, Christine, stop, stop.

Look, I shouldn't have slept with Hilary.

I'm sorry.

I was a mess after we broke up.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Yeah, but you know what, that was my fault,

because I drove you to her.

Literally.

Remember? I wouldn't let you drive

because you always changed lanes

without checking your blind spot.

Christine, listen to me.

Listen to me.

Yes, okay? Yes, it was your decision

to end the marriage, but I'm glad you did.

Yeah, but maybe we could have worked it out. No, we couldn't have.

Yeah, but I... Can I finish?

But I just... Can I finish?

But I just... Can I finish?

Our marriage didn't work,

and if you didn't end it, we'd still be going at it.

Because unlike our son,

who signs up for things and quits almost immediately,

I sign up for things and stay way too long.

I'm still giving money to the Kerry campaign.

We weren't happy.

And I am really grateful to you

for killing our marriage when you did.

Now you're just being nice.

I'm not.

You made the decision I couldn't make.

It wasn't controlling, it was brave.

And we're happy now.

We finally have a healthy dynamic,

don't you think?

Yeah.

You're right.

Thank you.

This is better.

So what'd you bring for snacks?

Nothing.

I knew it. I knew you wouldn't bring snacks.

And I knew you would.

* La-oh-la-da... *

FEMALE VOCALIST: * My first love *

* You're every breath that I take *

* You're every step I make *

MALE VOCALIST: * And I... *

MATTHEW: Hey, there I am!