Original subtitles

On last week's episode...

Where are you going?

To tell Burton I love him!

I have to tell you something, and it's the kind of something

that should only be said in person...

or on a giant screen at a baseball game.

I...

...don't think I can see you anymore.

Wow, I'm... so glad you didn't put that

on a giant screen at a baseball game.

Gotcha! ( screams )

Oh, sorry, honey, don't be scared.

It's just Mommy.

Don't do that. Okay, I won't.

Sorry. Sorry, sweetie.

How was your day? Okay?

Great.

I saw a second-grader throw up lasagna in the bathroom.

Ah, okay. What else?

Maybe applesauce.

( sighs )

Well, this school's definitely worth the second mortgage.

And it's my night to take home Marvin.

The janitor?

No, the class rat.

We named him after the janitor.

Oh. Could we take home the janitor?

I mean, the pellets are bigger, but he cleans up after himself.

That's a good one, right?

Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

Hi, Dad. Hey, New Christine.

Hey.

It's funny every time.

What are you guys doing here?

Picking up Ritchie.

We switched nights, remember?

You were going to go see some play or something.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I was going to go see that play with Burton.

We got the tickets when we were together,

but we're not together anymore, so... no play.

I mean, they're probably not going to cancel the play

just because we broke up, but...

Anyway, I-I-I'll take Ritchie tonight,

and then you can take him tomorrow.

I can't. Why?

I'm going out of town tomorrow,

and we already have movie tickets for tonight.

Plus, I already gave you an extra day this week

so you could take him to that thing on ice.

I love things on ice.

No, no, no, the-the thing on ice is next week.

This is next week.

( groans )

We missed the thing on ice.

So what am I doing?

Uh, all right, your dad's right.

You know what?

Let's just stick to the plan: You go with Daddy tonight,

and I'll figure out something else to do.

Go get your backpack, sweetie pie.

Okay.

Oh, I hate to think of you all alone.

Why don't you come with us?

We're going to go see that new movie.

It's with Selma Blair... or Salma Hayek.

Which one is married to Michael Douglas?

Yeah, yeah, come with us.

You just broke up with Burton.

You don't want to be alone.

Oh, no, you guys, please.

I was alone a long time before Burton;

I'm going to be alone a long time after Burton.

Sad.

No, it's not sad. It's great.

I'm good alone, really.

I mean, in fact, in high school,

I was voted "most likely to be alone,"

and it was a big school.

Really sad.

Oh, it's fine. Okay, sweetie.

You got everything? All right, give me kiss.

See you later, alligator.

In a while, crocodile.

Okay. Bye.

Man, that was tough to watch.

Seeing your kid get hauled away

by your ex and his new, young lover.

I know what that's like.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Hi, Stan. No, it's not like that at all.

We just got our wires crossed, that's all.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Campbell.

Are you waiting for me?

Oh, no, she just had a mix-up with her kid,

but she's okay now.

I'm taking care of her.

We had a thing.

Yes, I, uh, think I heard something about that.

Oh, well, did you hear

she got dumped by her rebound guy?

No, I didn't hear that.

No, no, he wasn't my rebound guy,

and I broke up with him.

And we, uh, we didn't

have a thing... I don't really need an explanation.

I'm just going to clear out and let you two talk.

Good luck to you, Mrs. Campbell.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mrs. Belt.

Please, Stan,

please don't keep telling people about our thing.

I know breakups are hard.

I could write a book about it.

In fact, I did.

Just can't find a publisher, though.

You're in it. You come off okay.

Okay. I've got to go.

I-I-I'll-I'll see you, Stan.

Well, wait, wait.

Uh, I do want you to know

that I appreciate what a tough time this is,

and, you know, if the loneliness ever gets too much,

and you start feeling sad,

just remember I got big shoulders to cry on.

Well, Stan, let me tell you something, okay?

There is absolutely nothing sad

about the evening I have ahead of me.

Mrs. Campbell? Yes.

Don't forget your rat.

No, no, no, we're not together anymore.

Oh, the rat!

Marvin. Yes.

Okay, Marvin.

Well, I wish I could say you were the first rat

I brought home to spend the night...

but if you play your cards right,

you might be the first rat to make it till morning.

Hello.

God, Matthew!

Why didn't you tell me you had company?

God, I might have done something embarrassing.

Yeah, seducing a rodent doesn't qualify.

I wasn't seducing him. I was just breaking the ice.

This is my sister Christine.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Natalie.

Oh.

Matthew's told me so much about you.

I'm sorry about your breakup, but you know what?

You can't make someone love you.

What? No, no, no, he loved me.

I-I-I'm the one that didn't love...

Matthew, what are you doing

telling strangers personal things about my life?

Especially if you're not going to get it right.

I broke up with him.

Yeah, tell it to the rat.

Hey, where's Ritchie?

He's with Richard.

We got our wires crossed. I'm all alone tonight.

Alone? Uh-oh.

What? No, it's not "uh-oh."

I can be alone.

I've never been alone.

I've been with someone since the second grade.

I would die if I was ever alone.

Where are you going?

To the fridge.

Are you coming back?

I hope so.

So, are you going to be okay?

Yeah, of course I'm going to be okay.

Why? What do you think I'm going to do?

I don't know, fall apart, drink yourself to sleep,

make out with a crossing guard.

Okay, first of all, Matthew,

that was in high school.

And second of all,

Carl was not just a crossing guard.

He was also a bartender.

Which made his DUI all the more ironic.

Why'd he break up with you again?

I broke up with him.

Listen, I handle these things so much better now.

I really do.

I mean, the truth is,

I look forward to being alone.

I can't even remember the last time I had this house to myself.

Uh-oh.

( scoffs ): What's this "uh-oh"?

No, we didn't think you'd be here tonight.

We were going to make dinner, but I can do it in my room.

Just steam some vegetables with an iron.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, that's okay.

You-you can make your dinner.

I'll just, uh, go out. Where?

I don't know, anywhere.

That's what's so great about America.

You're going to do that all by yourself?

Yep. Just me, myself and I.

And who knows?

If myself has a couple of drinks,

me might just get lucky.

Keep moving, Ritchie. There's three of us.

One more, bud.

Okay, don't touch the floor; it's dirty.

No, no, those aren't your Milk Duds.

Your jacket's falling.

No, now move your drink.

It's going to spill.

Keep your shoes on.

This is fun, huh?

I'm excited about this.

I love movies with talking penguins.

But I hate it when they sing.

It seems so fake.

I'm worried about Christine.

She looked a little lost when we left her.

She's fine.

She's been through worse things than a breakup.

Look at the size of Ritchie's head.

They let her go through 60 hours of labor

before doing her C-section.

Oh, um, excuse me.

Hi. Oh, hi, Peter.

Hi. Can you help me?

Mrs. Campbell!

It's so nice to see you again.

Will Mr. Shaefer be joining you?

Uh, no.

No, he won't.

Actually, we're... we're not together anymore.

( gasps ): Oh, no!

Oh, I am sorry!

I can't believe he broke up with you.

What? Oh, no, no, he didn't, he didn't.

I broke up with him.

Yeah. I wonder why you would assume that he broke up with me?

Oh, I don't know, just 'cause he's so...

and you're so...

Well, don't you worry.

I'm going to take care of you.

You and I will make a night of it.

Oh, well, that is really not necessary.

Well... No, it's not,

because, you know, as I said,

I-I broke up with him.

Right. You did say that.

Anyway, um, let me get you a table

where you'll be comfortable.

Oh. I don't have anything small,

but you have to sit in my section.

Follow me.

Okay.

Wow.

That's a big table, isn't it?

God, that table's so big, it has its own area code.

You need a slingshot just to pass the salt.

You could land an F-14 on this baby.

That is one big table,

I'm going to tell you that right now... Shh...

Shh, shh, shh, shh. I know; it hurts.

No. Oh, no, no, it doesn't.

No, no, no, those were jokes.

Jokes, jokes.

I'm just trying to be funny, you know?

Tears of a clown.

I'll get the wine started.

Okay.

( sighs )

What to order, what to...?

Oh, uh, that looks good.

What-what is that?

Oh.

It's a rigatoni with a lamb ragout.

Oh, lamb? Ew, gross. I hate lamb.

( exhales deeply )

Boy, now that's a big table, isn't it?

You know it's big

when you get back to your seat, and your bread's a day old.

Am I right?

So, where you folks from?

Damn it.

I know. I'm lost, too.

No, you got me thinking about Christine,

and now I feel bad that we left her alone.

Breakups hurt. There's no way around it.

They were only going out for two months.

It's still a loss.

I mean, even though I was the one

that broke up with my last boyfriend,

it still hurt.

It still does. But I had to do it.

You can't just stay with someone

because the sex is fantastic.

That's a good story.

I'm feeling better. Thank you.

You know what I mean.

I'm not looking for that anymore.

I'm looking for what we have.

Like a brother/ sister thing.

Come on, don't pout.

You know how I feel about you.

We're incredibly lucky.

I mean, some people go through their whole lives alone,

just rattling around their empty houses,

talking to their pets

and complaining about the president.

Okay, I'm going to call Christine.

Darn it.

I know. I'm lost, too.

All the penguins look alike.

So he wound up moving in with his mother,

and, uh, eventually, he lost his mind...

( laughing )

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

I have a mother, too, and she drives me in-sane,

so when you said that he moved in with her

and he lost his mind, I can totally relate.

He said he lost his eyes.

He's blind.

Oh. He lost his eyes?

His actual eyes?

How?

We're not talking to you.

Geez.

Didn't know you owned the restaurant.

This one's on me.

Oh, thank you, Peter.

That's very generous.

( whimpering sigh )

What?

I just can't...

Gosh, you seemed so good together.

Oh, well, you know, things happen.

But he was so funny, and handsome, and smart...

successful.

What exactly was it about him you didn't like?

Uh, he... he was...

It was... uh...

I... I don't know.

Well... we all make mistakes.

( phone rings the tune of "Buffalo Gals" )

Oh, sorry, my...

my kid always changes the ring, and, uh...

I don't, uh...

It's a new phone, and I'm not really sure where the thing...

Are you familiar with this model?

You know where the...

off-- I mean, the on...?

But... oh, wait, oh, no, no, I think I have it.

This is... Yeah, never mind.

I-I got it. Hello?

RICHARD: Christine?

Oh, Burton!

Oh, hi! My gosh!

I was going to call you, but then I thought I shouldn't.

Are you okay? I'm so happy to hear from you.

Oh, hi, Burton.

It's Richard.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I-I know it's Richard.

But you said "Burton."

Well, yes, because...

Richard Burton...

and, uh, Elizabeth Taylor...

in Night of the Iguana.

Geez, Richard.

What's happening with you?

Um, I'm-I'm good. I'm good.

I-I'm enjoying my night alone.

You should see this table they gave me.

It's just so big.

How big is it?

It's so big that, uh...

yeah, I don't care.

You don't sound good.

Oh, I'm good. I, um... Hey, um, oh, no.

Um, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Hello? Hello? No, no, no.

No, no, I'm not finished eating yet.

If you could just, um...

Ha-hang on

just a second, Richard.

Excuse me. Hi.

I-I know we had a thing before,

but, um, I'm just taking a call from my ex-husband.

Could you just watch this table here

so they don't clear it?

No.

"No"? Did you just say "no"?

That-that's very nice.

You're a very nice person.

I am through with you.

If you could just keep an eye on my bag...

Hi. Hi. Richard? I'm back.

Hi. Uh, look, I was talking to Christine,

and maybe it wasn't good that we took Ritchie tonight.

Richard, would you please stop talking to me

like I'm some sort of a mental patient?

Okay, no, no!

Don't touch my bag! Yoo-hoo!

That's my bag! That's my bag! That's my bag!

Okay, you just stay where you are.

I'm going to bring Ritchie to you.

No, Richard, I don't have time for this, all right?

I'm fine. Enjoy your movie.

I'll see you tomorrow morning.

( sighs )

All right.

Who took my bag?

Don't worry, we'll find your purse.

I'm sure the busboy cleared it

when he took your salad plate.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't sit over there anymore.

You know, all that negative energy.

I don't really need that right now.

Of course not.

You've been through a lot.

No, no, but I really am okay alone.

I really am.

We were only together for two months.

I mean, two months? That's like nothing.

Mm-hmm.

Kathy...

now that I've found love,

I'd be a fool to let it go.

Oh, my God!

I know it's only been two months...

...but I never want to be alone again.

I love you.

( squealing ) Will you marry me?

Yes!

Matthew.

Matthew!

Here. Is that enough? Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Who stole your purse?

I think it was the lamb eaters.

They were so mean,

and they made "eyes" sound like "mind."

Here we go. Tears and bad Merlot.

It's your crossing guard all over again.

Oh, shut up.

I'm sad.

Burton?

Yeah. How can I miss him so much?

God, I've been through a divorce.

I mean, this should be nothing.

I guess you liked him more than you thought.

He wrecked me.

You know, I was perfectly fine

all by myself for two years.

I enjoyed it.

And then Burton comes along,

and it's like he... defrosted me, you know?

Now I'm like this...

melty, drippy, freezer-burned mess.

Aw, Burton turned you into Mom's enchiladas.

How did this happen to me?

Matthew, I am the one who broke up with him.

Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple of 700 times.

Then I was going to call him,

but I can't figure out how to work this stupid phone.

They are complicated.

You press "on."

You can't call him.

You broke up with him for a reason.

Yeah, and what was that reason again?

You didn't love him. Yeah, I don't love this, either.

I know.

Look, the first night alone

is always the hardest,

but it's going to get better.

Yeah, whatever.

You going to be okay?

Yeah. I'm just going to drink my wine,

pay the bill and go home, okay?

Don't let this one get away.

Courage.

Yeah.

Hi.

I know I shouldn't be calling, but, um...

Ah... that was nice.

Yeah, it was...

but, Stan, I need you to know something.

Um... tonight was unusual for me.

I-I was in a very vulnerable position.

I'll say.

I thought your arm was going to snap off.

Stan, please, please.

I just... I just want to be clear, all right?

Tonight was... a one-time thing.

Well, technically, uh, one and a half times,

but if you give me 15 minutes, I can give you a solid two.

No, that's okay.

I mean, that's a very tempting offer, but I-I...

I-I do want you to know that I was having

a hard time tonight, and you helped me get through it,

so I just want to say thank you.

You're welcome.

Can I tell people?

No, you may not.

Can I put it in the book?

Okay.