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1
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,309
So sweetie,
today's the big day.
2
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,744
Your first
swimming lesson.
3
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,646
That's today?
Yup.
4
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,648
I'm not going
to my swimming lesson.
5
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,284
Ritchie, we have
talked about this.
6
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,718
You're eight years old.
7
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:18,852
We live in Los Angeles.
8
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:21,255
You have to learn
how to swim.
9
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:22,590
Why?
10
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,658
Because, honey, you can't
keep going to pool parties
11
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:28,129
telling people you're
having your period.
12
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:32,700
That's what you say.
13
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,569
That's because
I don't want to get
in a bathing suit
14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,705
in front of the
other mothers.
15
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:38,872
Tell you what.
16
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,874
If you go to your
swimming lesson,
17
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:43,644
I will write you
a check right now
18
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,347
for a million dollars.
19
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,918
You don't have
a million dollars.
20
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,621
I don't even have a check.
21
00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:54,788
What's going on?
22
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,024
Uncle Matthew,
Mom offered me a million dollars
23
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,659
to go to my swimming lesson.
24
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,328
Oh, don't do it.
She still owes me
a zillion dollars
25
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,330
for taking her
SATs for her.
26
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,965
Yeah, and thanks, by the way,
27
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:08,336
for that combined score of 400.
28
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:11,439
I was in third grade.
29
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,674
Ritchie, you have to go
to your swimming lesson.
30
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,475
No.
31
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:15,776
Hey, bud, do
you want me
32
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:16,944
to take you to
your swimming lesson?
33
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,147
I'll go get a towel.
34
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,949
How did you do that?
35
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,318
I don't know, but I do know
it doesn't work on women.
36
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,057
Mmm.
37
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,925
No, no. That's for my company.
38
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,594
Who's coming over?
39
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,563
Uh, Pete and Barb,
Richard and New Christine.
40
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:36,797
And me.
41
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:40,701
Ah, one of your famous
fifth wheel brunches.
42
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,503
Why do you invite
over your ex-husband
43
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:43,837
and his girlfriend
all the time?
44
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:44,938
( knock at door )
45
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:48,276
Because I'm nice
and civilized.
46
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,178
And Richard's
bringing the bagels.
47
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,679
And the Twinkie.
48
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:54,848
And by the Twinkie,
I mean his new girlfriend.
49
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,551
Oh, you are nice.
50
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,420
Hello.
Hello.
51
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,889
Hi, Christine.
Hey.
52
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,023
I'm sorry we're late.
53
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,425
We were talking
to your neighbor.
54
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,527
He's so lonely since the twins
went off to Cornell,
55
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,028
but his wife's
doing a lot better.
56
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,697
What a nice family, huh?
57
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,369
Somebody lives right there?
58
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,804
Thanks for doing this.
59
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,038
It should be fun.
60
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,040
Me and Christine,
Pete and Barb.
61
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,443
You and...
the bagels.
62
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,811
Ah.
63
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,446
Hey. There you are.
Sorry, we're late.
64
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,281
We got hung up talking
to your neighbor.
65
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,916
That man will
talk your ear off.
66
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,918
That guy is
friendly, huh?
67
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:35,323
Really? The house right there?
68
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:38,959
Oh, this is unbelievable.
69
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,694
What?
Get a load of this. Look at.
70
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,332
( scoffs ):
Is his hand
in her pocket?
71
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,900
PETE:
Yeah.
72
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,770
Let's say that's
where it is.
73
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,239
Shut up, Pete.
74
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,940
You're gross.
Gross.
75
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,208
Go-go over there
and break it up.
76
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:57,144
But be subtle.
77
00:02:57,211 --> 00:03:01,415
Gee, Richard, get your hands out
of that poor girl's pants.
78
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,919
Believe it or not,
that was subtle for him.
79
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,722
Ugh.
80
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,058
If it bothers you, why
did you invite them?
81
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,326
It doesn't bother me.
82
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:13,894
It's just so gross.
83
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,897
And, I mean, seeing them
be so gross together
84
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:20,934
makes me wonder if anybody will
ever be gross with me again.
85
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:25,205
Give Pete a second mimosa,
and your wish may come true.
86
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,075
Come on, let me set you up.
87
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,610
I know a lot of great guys.
88
00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:30,778
Please, Barb.
89
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,813
Oh, come on.
Pete and I have been dying to.
90
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,215
One call, and you can have
a hand down your pants
91
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,385
by Friday night.
92
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,055
Well, that is
very tempting really.
93
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,491
But you know how I feel.
94
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,560
I mean, setups are so phony,
you know?
95
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,729
You meet some stranger, you go,
you have a couple of drinks,
96
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,565
you make chit-chat about,
I don't know, where you parked,
97
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:55,469
why you don't eat bread,
how come you didn't vote.
98
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,605
I mean, you know,
if I meet somebody,
99
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,140
I want it to be spontaneous,
you know?
100
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,975
I want... I want the spark.
101
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,577
I want the magic, you know?
102
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,713
How is that working
out for you?
103
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,282
Pretty good.
104
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,384
Come on, sweetie,
105
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,119
you spend all your time
at Ritchie's school,
106
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:15,155
you live with your
brother, and you
own a women's gym.
107
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:19,026
You need a wand
and a rabbit to make
magic happen there.
108
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,432
I mean, come on, you got
to put yourself out there
109
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,166
to find what you want.
110
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:28,402
I think I'm looking for that.
111
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,838
You had that.
112
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,073
No, not that.
113
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,008
That.
114
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,176
This.
115
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,446
And a little of this.
116
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:41,682
You look like you're
shampooing a cat.
117
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,854
I want a relationship, okay?
118
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,356
I want what they have.
119
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,324
We gave them
what they have.
120
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,393
Pete and I-- we're the ones
who set them up.
121
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,727
You set them up?
122
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,128
Oh, don't look at me like that.
123
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,431
I've been asking to set you up
for two years.
124
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:58,599
You always say no.
125
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,401
Do you want me to set you up?
126
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,570
No.
See?
That's what I thought.
127
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,939
But when you're ready,
I'll hook you up.
128
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,941
You know,
find you a really nice guy.
129
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:10,478
Someone who knows what's
on the other end of all...
130
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:19,286
Forgot the cream cheese.
131
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,622
So Barb was telling me that
132
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,392
she and Pete set you
and Christine up, huh?
133
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,327
Yeah. Why? You're gonna
let her set you up?
134
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,430
No, no. That's not for me.
No, sir.
135
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,499
I am a naturalist.
136
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:34,201
You study nature?
137
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,503
No, I hate nature.
138
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,939
What do you call somebody
who believes
139
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,241
they should meet somebody
naturally, you know,
140
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:42,876
without being set up?
141
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,244
Lonely?
142
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,113
Ah. That's very nice.
143
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,147
No, no, no, no.
144
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,248
I mean, I don't need help.
145
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,783
I'm just waiting for magic.
146
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,084
How's that working out for you?
147
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,387
Pretty good.
148
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:08,068
Yeah, you don't need that.
149
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,070
You've got a bagel.
150
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,645
You're gonna love this, Ritchie.
151
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,847
You'll get out there,
do a little kicking,
152
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,048
a little splashing,
153
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,315
and before you know it,
154
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,585
you'll be peeing
in the deep end.
155
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,954
Hey, they're all babies!
156
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,658
I'm not taking swimming lessons
with babies.
157
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,626
Oh, I'm sure
they're in a different class.
158
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,695
They're not gonna put you
with the babies.
159
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:37,631
Hey, uh, excuse me, he's looking
for the 10:00 swim class.
160
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,800
This is it.
You get to be a guppy.
161
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,870
( baby talk ):
A guppy is a baby fish.
162
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,307
I'm not doing this.
163
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:48,542
Come on, Ritchie, your mom
164
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:49,977
really wants you
to learn how to swim.
165
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,445
Don't you want
to show off for her?
166
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,613
I can't get in the pool.
167
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,048
I have my monthly visitor.
168
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:58,552
Shh. Shh. Don't say that.
169
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:02,623
You've got to stop hanging out
at your mom's gym.
170
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,758
Okay, can I have everyone
over here, please?
171
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,827
( baby talk ):
All my guppies.
172
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,162
Welcome,
baby fishies.
173
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:10,631
Okay, to start our lesson,
174
00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,533
if I could have all the parents
pick up their child?
175
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,134
Okay, now,
go ahead
176
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,169
and walk your children
into the pool.
177
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,404
Wait. What?
178
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:18,472
This is how we do it.
179
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,273
It makes the child feel safe.
180
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,309
Forget it.
He's not even my kid.
181
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,644
Just get in the pool.
182
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,445
You get in the pool.
I need you in the pool.
183
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,614
Let go of me.
184
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,717
I can't swim, all right?
I can't swim.
185
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,423
I don't see why I
have to go to a spa
186
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,125
to get ready for a date.
187
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,227
In the past, I'd just
shave up to my knees,
188
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,930
slap on a little Charlie,
and I was good to go.
189
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,066
Well, things have changed.
190
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:49,637
Unfortunately, men just aren't
into bumpy, scaly and hairy
191
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:52,305
as they used to be.
192
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:53,741
All right, but
you know what?
193
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,043
I am not getting one of
those Brazilian waxes.
194
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,646
I don't know why people
think that's so sexy.
195
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:01,682
I did that once, it
was like a hair arrow
196
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,617
pointing to my
C-section scar.
197
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,122
Okay, I'm gonna go.
198
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,091
Mm.
199
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,460
Uh, but when you're
on your date, please have fun.
200
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:14,595
Yeah, okay.
201
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,129
And one more thing.
Hmm.
202
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:21,334
Do not, under any circumstances,
use the term "hair arrow."
203
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,937
Okay, I won't... I won't.
204
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,107
That's a good tip.
205
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,942
Thank you very much.
206
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,611
Hello. I'm, uh,
Christine Campbell.
207
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,312
I have a 3:00
appointment.
208
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,547
Ah, yes.
Ms. Campbell, welcome.
209
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,682
Thank you.
210
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,416
Uh, it says here
you didn't pick
211
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,317
which treatment
you wanted.
212
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:38,552
Oh, yeah.
213
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,953
I didn't know
what you had, and...
214
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,255
I didn't think an hour
was long enough time
215
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,124
to attach a new body to my head.
216
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,694
( laughs )
217
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,532
But, um, I've-I've got
a date tonight, actually,
218
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,034
and I'm pretty excited,
you know?
219
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,970
I've got my outfit
all picked out and everything.
220
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,772
I'm being set up, actually,
221
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,540
and normally, I don't go
for setups,
222
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,142
but this time
I said that I would.
223
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,510
Usually, I like to believe
224
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,814
in magic and fate, 'cause
I call myself a naturalist.
225
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,749
You know, which means
that I like to believe
226
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,083
in things that are natural,
227
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,452
so I guess really
what I'm saying is,
228
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,955
is I'll take
the Brazilian wax?
229
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,060
( low, indistinct chatter )
230
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,068
( indistinct chatter )
231
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,811
Oh.
232
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,125
Can I help you?
233
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,026
Uh, yeah, um....
234
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,762
actually,
I'm meeting someone,
235
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,364
but I-I don't know
what she looks like.
236
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,732
It's a blind date.
237
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,034
Oh. Hi. Yes.
Blind date.
238
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,102
Yes, hello.
239
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,471
That's me.
240
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,239
Okay. That's not a thing, is it?
241
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,041
Like, if your foot touches
the ground,
242
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,810
your house is gonna blow up?
243
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,611
No. No, no, no,
it's not a thing.
244
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,446
I'm actually very normal.
245
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,848
I-I just thought
246
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,550
that you would be smaller
than you are.
247
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,886
I'm sorry.
248
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,755
Would you like me
to stand further away?
249
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,891
No, no. No, no. You're perfect.
250
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,192
You're the exact right size.
251
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,426
You're-you're...
252
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,595
Good arms.
Proportionate.
253
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:31,631
Head.
254
00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:33,000
I'm sorry.
255
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:36,870
I haven't been on a date
in a while, and, uh...
256
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:40,140
oh, I just got a wax today.
257
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,013
Sort of...
258
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:50,083
Sort of feels like I slid down
a sandpaper banister.
259
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,319
( chuckles ):
Yeah.
Oh!
260
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:56,123
Wow. I bet you're really
turned on right now.
261
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,858
Actually, a friend of mine
convinced me
262
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,427
to get a salt scrub today,
and let me just say
263
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:04,131
that, uh, certain things should
never be scrubbed with salt.
264
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,736
So, I guess we're not going
all the way tonight.
265
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,238
Not unless it's in a tub of ice.
266
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,707
( laughing )
267
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:14,942
Gosh, I was so nervous
about tonight.
268
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,109
You know, I got a...
269
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,978
my new date
outfit.
270
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,880
I know. Me, too.
Oh, really?
271
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,148
Yeah, about halfway over here,
272
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,850
I really regretted
the purple shirt.
273
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,417
Oh, no, it's...
274
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,319
Uh, it's just,
I hate blind dates.
Yeah.
275
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,588
I'm always afraid I'm gonna
get set up with some freak.
276
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:29,923
Yeah, I know, but I guess
277
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,391
Pete and Barb knew
what they were doing.
278
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,659
Who?
279
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,594
WOMAN:
Burton?
280
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,628
Yeah?
281
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,865
Hi, I'm Cerise.
282
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,233
Oh, you're Cerise.
Uh-huh.
283
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,935
Oh. Well, hi.
284
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,570
I was just talking
with my friend...
285
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,571
Christine.
286
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,840
You're
Christine? Hi.
287
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,577
I'm David.
288
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:51,779
Pete and Barb's friend?
289
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,613
Yes. Oh, hi.
Good, good.
290
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:54,915
You're David.
291
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,149
Yeah.
Yeah.
292
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,384
Wow. You're tall.
293
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,585
( laughs )
294
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:01,088
Not if you stand
further away.
295
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,863
It's a great company
to work for.
296
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,565
And the accounts payable gang
is just terrific.
297
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,435
Except for Neil.
I hate Neil.
298
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,736
No, wait, not Neil.
299
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:17,771
He bought me lunch.
300
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,473
Mark.
No. What's his name?
301
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,741
Link. No.
302
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:24,111
Something with a "K."
303
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,079
Kevin?
304
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:28,048
Who's Kevin?
305
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,183
No, the guy who always
whistles, what's his name?
306
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,820
I don't know.
307
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:38,358
I don't know any of the people
in your story.
308
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,393
John! That's it. John.
309
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:45,933
So what are you gonna have?
310
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,268
Oh, uh... I have this thing
where I can't eat food
311
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,804
that's been touched
by another person.
312
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:54,908
Of course you do.
313
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,310
Brought my own chicken.
314
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:07,554
I'm gonna have to get Pete
and Barb something real nice.
315
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,822
Let go.
316
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,090
Matthew!
317
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,592
You're never gonna learn
if you don't let go.
318
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:16,429
( baby talk ):
Don't you want to swim
like a big boy fishy?
319
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:19,299
Hey, that helium voice
would really work on me
320
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:20,968
in the bedroom,
but not out here.
321
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,269
If I'm gonna learn how to swim,
322
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,837
it's gonna be
in my own good time.
323
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,372
So back off!
324
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,240
Okay, you win.
325
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,341
Ow!
326
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,209
Help!
327
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,478
For the love of God, help me!
328
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,113
Stand up!
329
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,653
It's better. Good.
330
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,355
Hi, Ritchie.
331
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,623
Hi, Mom!
332
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:44,624
Hi, honey.
333
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:45,993
Hey, Matthew.
334
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,327
How's it going?
335
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,496
It's good.
I'm getting the hang of it.
336
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,563
How'd your date go?
337
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,432
What was Barb thinking?
338
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,334
How come Richard gets someone
cute and young?
339
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,103
I want someone cute and young.
If you're looking
340
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,204
for someone cute and young,
341
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,771
I might have someone for you.
342
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,308
Ooh. I really do
like cute and young.
343
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:04,244
I can't believe I'm going out
with Matthew's sister.
344
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,481
This is so hot.
345
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,285
Yeah, I'm divorced, too.
346
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,322
842 days.
347
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,026
But it's great, really.
348
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,461
It's the best thing
I've ever done in my life.
349
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,064
In fact, let's call her.
350
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:30,537
I mean, I know, dating is hard
for everyone, you know?
351
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:34,341
I should probably
just cut myself some slack,
352
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,144
but I'm not really
a slacky kind of person.
353
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,980
I bet you look great in slacks.
354
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:45,052
Actually, I look
dynamite in slacks.
355
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,220
Oh, thank you.
356
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,956
This is nice.
Yeah.
357
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,557
It's comfortable.
Yeah.
358
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,993
You're not gay, are you?
No.
359
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:54,794
I'm sorry,
360
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,729
but when my mom said "Sam,"
361
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,399
I didn't ask any questions.
362
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,401
Want to go back
to my house, anyway?
363
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:07,074
Well, I would love to see
the new deck that you built.
364
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:12,479
But that's really
gonna have to be it.
365
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,514
Probably.
366
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,024
There you go!
You're doing great!
367
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:24,924
Keep kicking!
368
00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:26,093
That's so good!
369
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,594
Keep kicking!
370
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,895
( chuckles )
371
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,063
So who you going
out with next?
372
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,664
No one. I'm done.
I quit.
373
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:35,335
Look, I know it's not easy, but
you've got to look at dating
374
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,970
like you're on a desert island.
375
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,706
What?
376
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,141
Every night, you build a fire.
377
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,044
And you hope a ship will
see it and come save you.
378
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,712
You do this for
months and months.
379
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,048
After a year, you're
tired of building the fire.
380
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,749
You figure, what's the use?
381
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,852
A ship hasn't come so far, why
should I think it'll come now?
382
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:54,621
So you stop.
383
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:55,955
But what if the ship comes
384
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,291
the day after you stop
building the fire?
385
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,028
You've got to keep
making the effort.
386
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,997
I mean, what's the alternative?
387
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:08,601
Wow. Where did that come from?
388
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,537
It was in an e-mail
from my Christian aunt.
389
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:14,441
Well, thank you, but I don't
want to build my own fire, okay?
390
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,010
I want to walk across my island
and come upon a fire
391
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,146
that's already been built.
392
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,181
And I don't want to know
how it got there, all right?
393
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:26,986
I just want it to be hot
and big, and maybe a mustache...
394
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,255
Where am I going with this?
395
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,656
Magic.
Right.
396
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,159
Magic. Because I do,
I do believe in magic.
397
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,827
And then, if it doesn't come,
I'm okay with it.
398
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:38,165
Besides, you know, I've got
a full life and a body pillow
399
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,699
that I can get dressed
in front of.
400
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,302
You know, I'm not
going to force it.
401
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:45,838
From now on, I dine alone.
402
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:46,839
That's so funny.
403
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,575
You sell cars for a living,
404
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,910
but you don't know
how to drive a stick?
405
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:52,379
A lot of people
can't drive a stick.
406
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:55,882
You know, only about 20%
of the cars in the United States
407
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,384
are manual transmission.
408
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:02,055
I heard that 80% of all cars
in the United States
409
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:04,357
are actually automatic.
410
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:10,497
You're saying the same
exact thing that I just said.
411
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,336
Yeah, I was making a joke.
412
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,938
You know, but only 20% of my
first date jokes
413
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,074
are actually funny.
414
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,976
How's your salad?
415
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,646
You know, I just got into Feta
for the first time this year.
416
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:30,317
And, so...
417
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:45,098
WOMAN:
I'm still in here!
418
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,300
Oh. Sorry.
419
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,636
I didn't know if I turned
the knob the whole way.
420
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:50,937
And I didn't want to be
421
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,605
standing out here waiting
for an empty bathroom.
422
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:53,873
'Cause I have to tell you,
I've done that before...
423
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:54,907
Stop talking to me.
424
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,077
Oh, right.
425
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:06,119
WOMAN:
God bless it, what
is wrong with you?!
426
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,554
No, that wasn't me.
427
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,821
Sorry.
428
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,823
I guess we're having
a little thing, apparently.
429
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,161
You're still doing better
than I am on my date.
430
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,795
Oh, yeah, I noticed that.
431
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:20,833
She, uh... she knows
a lot of facts about cars.
432
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,502
Oh, not just cars.
433
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:27,073
No, trucks, SUVs, mopeds and,
for some reason, Palm Pilots.
434
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,808
( laughs )
435
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:31,077
Oh, the sound
of a woman's laughter.
436
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,413
It's been so long.
437
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,016
Well, what happened to, um...
Barbie from the other night?
438
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,218
You two seemed to be
hitting it off.
439
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,886
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
440
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,088
We got into a real heated debate
about the political direction
441
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:45,825
the country's moving in...
and I'm kidding, she was dumb.
442
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,728
She spent an hour talking about
her highlights in her hair.
443
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,097
Oh, really?
Those were highlights?
444
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,799
Wow, they looked great.
445
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,702
Did she happen to say
where she had them...
446
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:59,406
done, because, I mean,
as a country,
447
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,542
we are most certainly
veering off course.
448
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,177
You know, I mean,
people need to vote.
449
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,212
Yeah.
450
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,947
( both laughing )
451
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,316
How about you and your date?
452
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,117
I noticed
he brought his own food.
453
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,820
Oh, yeah, yeah.
454
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:14,821
You saw that, did you?
455
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:15,855
Good kisser?
456
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,857
Oh, the best.
Yeah.
457
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,860
( both laughing )
458
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:21,894
What about Barbie?
459
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:22,995
Is she a good kisser?
460
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,264
( laughs )
461
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,165
Yeah, yeah, she was, actually.
462
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,100
Oh, okay.
463
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,902
You know, but it
doesn't matter.
464
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,103
I'm through with setups.
465
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,939
Why can't I find
somebody on my own?
466
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,276
Without a bunch of friends
getting involved or my mother
467
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:40,347
handing out my phone number to
every woman between 18 and 63.
468
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,583
Whatever happened
to spontaneity?
469
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,518
Whatever happened to magic?
470
00:19:56,763 --> 00:20:01,534
I am so sorry.
471
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,803
I don't know why I did that.
472
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:04,837
No, no, it's okay.
473
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,873
I'm glad you did.
474
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:10,209
I've been wanting to do that
since our almost blind date.
475
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,379
Good kisser, by the way.
476
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:17,183
Oh, well...
you're a good kisser as well.
477
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,387
( both chuckle )
478
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:24,857
Well, I should probably
get back to my date.
479
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,025
Oh, right.
480
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,727
Oh, my God.
481
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,797
You're on a date.
482
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,098
Can I call you?
483
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,099
Oh, yes.
484
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,901
Oh, please, yeah.
485
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,470
I have a little thing
that I can give you.
486
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,439
Here. That's me right there.
487
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,773
I'm Christine Campbell.
488
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,208
Burton Schaefer.
489
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,343
But I don't have a card.
490
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:44,844
Oh, well, that's okay.
491
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,045
You know, I got a deal.
492
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:48,080
Thirty bucks for 10,000.
493
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:49,081
( chuckles )
494
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:50,049
You want another thousand?
495
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,117
Uh, no, I'm good.
496
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:52,719
Okay.
497
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,287
Well, it was nice
to meet you.
498
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:55,288
You, too.
499
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:58,791
Yes. Okay.
500
00:20:58,858 --> 00:20:59,859
I still have
to use the...
501
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:03,363
Yes, I do, too.
34751
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