Original subtitles

Excuse me, excuse me, sorry.

These are our seats, asshole. - l don't think so. Look.

Awesome! New Kids Nitro.

Yeah, dude!

Yay.

Dude, check this out.

Where'd you get that? - Where did l get that?

Stole it from the cops.

Yeah, right.

l've seen this one. With the gun.

That sketch on Comedy Central.

New Kids is old. Only the first season was sweet, when you were still with Flabber.

lt's entertaining but you keep doing the same thing over and over.

What happened to you? You're fucking boring.

Of course, there it is: the car accident. Original.

Sorry. - l could have come up with that.

You don't even speak the Brabant dialect. You're actors. lt's bullshit.

And a sequel? l won't spend a dime on another boring movie...

...with a bad storyline and the usual shitty New Kids jokes.

l'll look for a cam version on the internet...

l've had it. l'm going to get my Manta back.

Hey homo, you two want to get a room or what?

Pussy.

Floor it!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for watching.

A rare and mysterious comet has hit Friesland.

Our new reporter Peter Vernhout reports live from the scene.

Hi Peter, nice to have you with us. Can you describe the situation?

Ladies, it's great to be part of the team.

l'm in Friesland with farmer Feike We were told he has all the answers.

Farmer Feike, what's the situation?

Fucking foreigners.

Hey dad, someone spray painted your place. Who did that, dude?

Bunch of homos from Schijndel, l guess. - Really?

Damn cunts.

We'll have five Grizzly, a nugget, long wiener, three Bounty's...

...a Ricky Martin, two Knoepert.

Have you lost it or something? How are you going to pay for it?

Dude, we have to get to the game. We'll just pay next time.

Yeah, right.

You also said that you would clean the house. Also didn't happen.

Dude.

Ready. - Why don't you hand it to me?

Come and get it, lazy cunt.

Dude. - What?

Watch the paint, cunt.

See? l can't get out. - For Christ's sake!

You're always giving me shit. Can't you see that l'm stuck here?

Ref! - Maaskantje!

Kick him!

Hey Barrie...

...give me a dime bag, dude.

Kick him in the shins! Your mother is a whore!

Get him, dude!

Heigh ho, Homos from Schijndel. - Homos.

Hey Maaskantje, kiddy AlDS. Kiddy AlDS!

Shitkantje.

lt's Dave. He's back.

They say he went crazy after the accident, with that garbage truck.

Totally cuckoo.

Are you looking at me, dude? - Shut the fuck up, cunt.

Anyone from Schijndel is a homo. l don't have to tell you that.

Go back to your fucking town and take your homo team with you.

You mean your homo team, dude? Just look at them.

Just look at those fags run. They don't have balls.

Balls? Your mother sucked my balls last night.

What did you say about our mother? - Filthy whore.

You're lucky l'm on probation, or you'd be swallowing your teeth.

Boohoo!

Peter, lemonade!

Ries. - What?

Drink out of a glass, for Christ's sake. l didn't raise you like that.

Sorry.

Where are the guys?

Smile for the camera, kids.

That beer is nice and cold. - lsn't it?

Schultenbrau!

Schultenbrau das ist mein bier!

Schultenbrau we drink with cheer!

Are you OK? - No, son.

Every night l take those fucking pills and every week those fucking hospital visits.

l've had enough, you know. - l get it.

First those miscarriages, then problems with your taxes and now this.

Hey, mom.

l've changed, you know.

l'm staying out of trouble. With the law, you know.

l can't afford go to jail. l want to take care of you.

Mom, l'll always be there for you, you know that.

Oh honey, of course l know that.

Now, did you take those goddamn pills yet?

Goddammit, fuck, l forgot. What would l do without you?

Hey, enjoying yourself?

lt's from that filthy skank. You know her, don't you? Manuela?

That skank has been around, you know.

STD.

A rash. lt itches like crazy.

And the chlorine in the pool makes it worse. ltching.

So where's she now? - Dead.

She got hit by a car. - Goddammit.

That's an awful way to go, isn't it?

That seems to be happening more and more. in this neighborhood. People getting hit.

That never used to happen before, or did it?

Hey Barrie, what are you doing, dude?

Oh, yes. He's earned it. Five euros.

Ronnie!

There you go. - An album.

There he is. World-famous super star.

That's right, dearest neighbor. Number one. - And he didn't let it get to his head.

Guys, if you need something, Ronnie will take care of you.

Did you just throw fireworks inside my home?

No.

Stupid cunt! - Sorry.

Need a new oxygen tank, Corrie? - Better make that two.

Hey, who are you?

Deborah.

Why are you staring at my broad? - So what?

Ugly mushroom head!

With your homo car.

Fine, dude.

Rikkert?

Yo, l'm here!

Look at my face, dude. All red.

And my Manta is totally wrecked.

l think the ignition did it. That fucking homo from Schijndel!

Mr Biemans.

This is the lotion you asked for, for your penis.

Apply it to the festering sores 3 times a day.

And also apply it to the red spots around the anus.

Thanks.

Since the meteorite hit...

...three cows have been producing gigantic amounts of milk.

There's so much of it, they're handing out free milk in Friesland.

Farmer Feike, do you think these cows will eventually stop producing milk?

l do know that one cow has produced enough milk for the whole province.

And Sietske and Aafke also licked that same stone, so...

Every Friesian can come and get free milk here.

Yes...

Cheers!

lf l see fucking Dave, l'll kick his ass. - Easy, dude.

We'll party tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

l wish he was here. l would destroy him. Filthy cunt.

Gerrie. - What 'Gerrie'?

l'll hit his ugly face. Check this.

What? Goddammit, is that cunt in Maaskantje again?

For Christ's sake.

Hey, cunt.

Why are you touching me? With your shower cap.

With your homo car. Boom.

A huge ball of fire.

Pussy.

What are you doing in our town? Didn't l tell you to stay away?

What are you going to do about it? Punch me or something?

Bring it on, dude.

lf my mom wouldn't have been ill, l would have smashed your face already.

Just look at you. Mommy's boy. Boohoo.

Hey Paul, throw in that nitro.

What a pussy. lt's pink. Homo!

The cops!

They'll never find us here.

Barrie, why did you do that, dude?

You know l'm on probation. l can't get locked up.

Our mom, dude!

Did you see that cunt collapse? Knockout!

Out cold.

Why were the cops there, anyway? - Some good stuff, right?

Where'd you get that, dude? - lt's mine, dude.

Found it, dude.

Found it? - Yes.

Hey, Dave is such a homo, right?

Watch this.

No caller lD. Good prank.

Gerrie Maaskantje phoning

What!

Hey Dave, you damned homo.

Having a good time bleeding?

You know what you are, dude? A fucking mongoloid.

Fucking Schijndel. Fucking Dave with your fucking skank.

l'm going to destroy you, cunt. - Really?

You know what? You're dead. All of you.

And especially you, Gerrie.

Feeling a bit better?

l'm going to kill those homos!

Wrong number.

Nice explosion at the end.

You have to unroll it, dude.

Buy your own fireworks next time. Such a waste.

Hey cunt! Are you guys crazy?

Do you have any idea what time it is? - Take it easy, dude.

Just fireworks. Pussy.

My blinds!

Bunch of homos. Bunch of cowardly cunts.

You hit me from behind, that's low.

Hey ugly cunt, you know what? - What?

A real race, dude. Tomorrow. - Fine, dude.

lf we win, you'll never come to Maaskantje again, dude.

Never again! - But if l win...

l'll get that shower cap's ugly green Manta.

Fine, dude. - What?

Stay calm. - So it's a deal.

See you tomorrow, ugly cunts.

Come on, Knoet. - Ugly cunts.

Hey Ries, l have to race against Dave?

Maaskantje against Schijndel!

Shut up. Do you know what time it is? lt's 3 a.m.

lf you don't shut up l will come and shut you up, asshole.

People are trying to sleep. My child is only six years...

Come outside. Come on, pussy.

Boom. Come on.

That's what l thought, homo.

That's disturbing.

Dammit, my car.

Hey cunt, hand me that spark plug wrench.

No cunt, not valve pliers, a spark plug wrench. How hard can it be?

That's an ashtray.

Sorry.

You know what? No big deal, dude.

l know it's hard for you, because you're a spastic.

That's not your fault.

Homo.

Let's take it for a test run.

Good nitro, or what?

Did you do that? - No.

You didn't do that?

Adrie, did you do that? - Yes.

Goddammit, Adrie. That car is brand new.

Do you know how much it costs? A lot.

We will deduct it from your salary. Just so you know.

lndustrial park Schijndel

Are you ready? To never see Maaskantje again?

Of course l'm ready.

You know what? That ugly Manta will be mine anyway.

Hey, Deborah.

Wasted whore.

Let's race!

Ready.

He thinks it's nice.

Nice.

Woensel! Shopping Mall, Woensel biatch!

Woensel! Woensel biatch!

Woensel! For real.

Woensel soldiers. True soldiers.

Woensel! Shopping Mall!

Good evening.

Nice weather, huh? - lf that's your thing.

What's that?

Homemade bed of nails, dude.

Oh, homemade. - Yes.

Nice.

Could you pick it up for me? lt's hard for me to reach down.

You see? You can't drive.

You don't need to anyway, because your car is gone. Keys.

Fuckface, that's cheating.

That sucks, doesn't it? Keys!

Homo. He just hands over the keys. Pussy.

l'm taking your car, ugly shower cap.

We'll see you in Maaskantje.

Fuck.

Goddammit, Adrie. - Sorry.

Can't l just take the new one? - What do you think?

Moron. - Yes, but...

Don't touch that car. From now on you'll walk on patrol.

At least try to get some useful information from your informant.

Goddammit mom, you need to take your pills.

For Christ's sake. l was only gone for a little while.

l feel all weak. Fucking mess.

What would l do without you, Ries? - Well...

That filthy cunt Dave.

My car gone again.

For Christ's sake.

l think he has a plan.

Deborah.

You work here? You want Schult beer?

Such a coincidence.

His ex had the same job. Also at the cash register.

Such a filthy whore.

But she's dead now.

l'm sure you'd like another one? Miss Universe.

You must have room for another one?

ln your face.

l'm trashed, dude.

Where am l from? - Maaskantje.

Who fucks you from behind? - Richard from Maaskantje.

Fuck me harder, Ries. Fuck me.

ls that you?

Deborah from Schijndel wants semen.

Give it to me Richard from Maaskantje. Give it to me!

Sorry.

This is the New Kids snack bar.

Hi. We would like three Knoeperts with turbo sauce.

We also want a Ricky Martin. That's a sausage with satay sauce.

A dick with shit.

Goddammit.

You're puking all over the glass with your filthy mouth. Get out!

We can't help it. ln Friesland everybody got sick.

But it will pass. - What?

l don't get it. - Everybody in Friesland is sick and...

Goddammit.

Go back to your country with all those diseases.

Where are those five homos? - You're the cunt who ruined my window.

lf you didn't bring money, you'd better go back to where you came from.

Where are those five homos, goddammit? - l don't know.

Here.

You know what?

Greetings from Schijndel, cunt.

Hey, check this, dude.

Who is declared healthy?

Corrie!

The doctor says l don't need those damned fucking pills anymore.

Hello.

No!

For Christ's sake! Fuck my probation!

Dave will be destroyed!

Camera! Camera, come on.

l'm here in Friesland in the farmyard...

Where did this take place?

Friesland.

Frieslan.

And what is...

l have no idea.

Has this footage aired yet? - No.

They were intercepted. The cameraman has been paid off.

And they came up with a story for the public. No reason to panic.

And in Friesland? Do we have anything...

...important there? Something... - No.

So then... we will do...

Nothing.

Did you see Gerrie's father's face?

What a little bitch.

Go away.

lf you do that one more time, l'll take you in. Got it?

Hello. Open up. - Death race, dude.

What? - Death race.

What are you saying? l can't hear you.

lf you don't open that door... - Rikkert and you race one more time.

No rules, until death.

Dude, are you out of your mind? Until death?

Rikkert, you're the best driver. Everyone knows that.

You will win for sure.

And when Dave's dead the Manta will be yours again.

You can't live without her, can you? You said it yourself.

But what l meant was...

Fine, dude. Death race!

Fine, dude.

Homo cop!

So you took that car anyway? - Well, l was walking past it...

You didn't take the car? - No, yes, l was walking...

Goddammit, are you completely useless?

Go get that car and arrest those guys.

This is you last chance, understood? - Yes.

Sir. - Sir.

lt's a decent car. Too bad the cops painted it.

For Maaskantje, cunt.

Nice.

Ten... nine...

eight...seven...

...six... five... four...

...three... two...

Hands in the air.

Hey, Adrie.

Adrie, dude.

Adrie, l'm not part of this, right?

Don't move, Gerrie. - Yes, but...

Don't move.

What do you mean 'not part of this'?

Adrie?

You fucking snitch!

We could use tape.

Yes. We could put tape all around the Friesland borders.

That way the problem will work itself out...

...and the rest of the Netherlands won't be at risk.

There's nothing here, folks. Move along.

l told you there's nothing here. Hello.

No? Show me your lD cards.

Hello. lD cards. Don't walk away.

lf you don't show me your lD cards right now...

Any other ideas?

Maaskantje?

Those rubber bullets suck. - For Christ's sake.

Look at my eye, dude.

You're such a stupid cunt.

Why did you do it?

Remember when l got caught?

With that water gun filled with piss? And those bikers?

l didn't want to go to jail, because of my probation.

So sometimes l call Adrie when l have some information.

He also gives me confiscated fireworks sometimes, as a bonus.

Just to be nice.

Did anyone bring toilet paper by any chance?

Hey, homos!

l think l'll pay your mother a little visit. - Don't you dare.

Corrie.

Corrie. - Fucking cunt. l'll kill you

No. l'll kill you!

Calm down, young man, otherwise l'll...

See you later.

Mom, get out of Maaskantje. lt's dangerous.

Why? l feel great. l have so much energy.

Listen to me, Mom. l can't tell you everything.

But take the bus right now and try to get as far away from Maaskantje as you can.

No, son. l'm staying here.

Besides, l don't like to travel. You know that.

Goddammit mom, listen. - Hold on.

Someone is coming. Goddammit, who would come by on a Sunday?

Hello? - Goddammit mom, listen to me!

What are you doing damned homo cop? - Excuse me?

We have to get out of here! Dave is with our mom.

l know. What if we take my shirt... - Shut up, fucking snitch!

What if we get a paperclip... - Shut up!

Hey idiots, what's up? Craziness.

What did you say? - Hey, how are you?

Who are you? - Yes, of course.

l know you, but you don't know me, of course. Funny.

l work for the Ministry of Defense.

We've been following you for a while from a distance.

Yes.

To make a long story short...

We want you to help us out with a situation in the Friesland region.

Are you crazy or something? - You are crazy, dude, cunt.

We can supply you with guns...

...and we'll make sure you'll never have to work again.

And you will be released immediately. - Fine, dude.

Homos!

Goddammit, Adrie. How could you let them get out?

Yes, no, but those...

OK, hand it over. You know the drill. You're fired. Again.

There he is.

Pete Crybaby.

Mom?

Ries! What happened to my house?

Mom!

Ronnie picked me up and we celebrated my health.

Mom, you have to leave.

lt's not safe here anymore.

Ronnie will take you to the bus station. - Will do.

l'll make sure you get a ticket to Ameland.

l'll book you a hotel, all inclusive.

You deserve to get pampered. - You're so good to me.

Mom...

...l don't say this often...

Dave! He's coming.

Over there.

Where is he? - Be careful, dude.

That's Dave, dude. - lt's a ping-pong table.

l thought it was Dave.

Are you completely useless? You fuck up everything.

l couldn't even tell her that l love her, dude. Cunt.

Homo.

Dave, dude. Let's finish this.

Meet us at 4 p.m. next to the highway, cunt.

Heigh ho homos. Where are the Maaskantje homos.

Heigh ho homos. There they are, the Maaskantje homos.

You're going to die.

Bring it on. Get AlDS, you fat cunts from Schijndel.

Homosexuals.

Deborah has a nice tight pussy.

l dare you to say that again, dude, now that you still can.

Nice tight pussy.

We'll kill you. And your whole fucking village, goddammit!

Stop it, people.

Hi, l'm Anja from the Association Against Cursing.

You're going too far, guys.

Wouldn't it be nice if two rival groups, like you, entered into a discussion?

Don't curse at each other. l can give an example...

ls Roy really sticking that broken broom handle up her cunt?

Whore.

Ladies and gentlemen, may l have your attention please?

We have to wait here for the ferry to take us to beautiful Ameland.

Fucking Friesland! - And l have a nice announcement to make.

You can go stretch your legs outside for five minutes before we go on the ferry.

Well folks, look at that. l think they want...

Hey, cunt.

Mom? - Ries!

Mom! Mom!

That's a fucking great Knoepert, goddammit.

The Knoepert, available at a snack bar near you. lt's gigantic, dude.

The manufacturers can't be held responsible for the effects...

...of the changing ingredients of the Knoepert.

We are gathered here today...

...because we have lost a special human being.

Corrie Batsbak, the mother of Richard Batsbak.

Unfortunately, we can't bury her body...

...because it hasn't been found since the attack that took her life.

ln that place, Friesland.

Corrie wasn't just my neighbor.

Corrie and l, we really trusted each other.

And Richard, your mother asked me to tell you this after her death.

You never knew your father. There's a reason for that.

Apart from the fact that he robbed your mother...

...while she was giving birth to you at the hospital...

...and fucked a lot of whores while he was still with your mother...

Anyway, your father was...

...from Schijndel.

So you are half Schijndelian.

What kind of bullshit is that, dude?

Well, look. Of course she was ashamed that she fucked someone from Schijndel.

l'm going to get her body.

This isn't a worthy funeral for such a good woman.

So where are you going to look? - ln the direction of Ameland, dude.

l'll kill every fucking Friesians l'll run into.

Hey Ries...

We Schijndelians help each other, dude.

Together, we'll bring your mother back to Brabant, dude.

We'll bring her back...

...from that ugly Friesland.

Right?

l can't. l have to pick up my kid from daycare.

l can't come it either. - No, dude, l'll swing by later.

Can you hook me up?

lt's for my dad, you know.

Hello? - Hello.

lt's Richard. Those fucking Friesians slaughtered our mother.

That's bad. - Yes.

So me and my buddies want to bring her back to Brabant.

What you said about Friesland... About never having to work again...

What was that all about? - That offer expired...

...after you took off, of course.

We sent in another team: The Red Berets.

Listen, Mr Batsbak. We forbid you to enter Friesland.

You're ruining our operation.

Rikkert!

Man, this place is ugly.

Goddammit.

He's getting back up, that's weird.

That guy doesn't look healthy. He looks familiar.

l don't know that homo.

l saw that in a movie once, dude.

lt's a vampire.

There you go. When you shoot them in the heart, they...

That's the way to do it, dude. Right into his ugly face.

Fucking Friesian.

Look at this.

They didn't get very far.

Ries, dude.

Fucking snitch.

We are back, Biatch! Woensel, get it? That's Woensel!

Woensel! Woensel! Woensel!

Catharina Hospital. Everything. You know what l'm saying?

Woensel. Get it?

Have you found your mom or what? - Not yet, dude.

We'll help you, bro.

Henk, dude. Can you front me a fries with stew meat?

You might be here to help, but you're just going to pay, cunt.

Are you retarded or what? Don't use that in someone's ear. Mongoloid.

Stop that, dude.

Honking attracts those beasts.

For Christ's sake.

Hey Robbie, how's that possible? That star went into his head, right?

You have to hit the brain, dude.

Throw harder, cunt.

Grizzly!

Hey Barrie, do you also have hasj?

Just give me for 15 euros and a pre-rolled joint. Keep the change.

See you later.

Jackass!

For Christ's sake. That's a strange coincidence.

lt is. l did have enough bullets earlier. - Me too, dude. l was firing away.

Just our luck.

Hey, fuckers.

See you later.

Hey Ries, did that flame go inside the hose?

My dad, dude.

That guy was a great deep-fry cook, for Christ's sake.

He made everything super crunchy.

Ferry Ameland 34 km

OK. No big deal, but l think l'm in love with Deborah.

After that one fuck? Do you only like pregnant bitches or what?

lt happens. That's just a coincidence.

That Manuela was just a filthy whore, but she is a beautiful broad.

She's boozing while she's pregnant. She does whatever she wants.

l think that's beautiful.

l never had a father myself.

But l could be there for her kid. l'd raise him as my own.

Even if he would be a mongoloid or something.

Or premature with water in the brain.

Can someone please turn off that fucking song.

Goddammit. Fucking Friesians.

Sorry.

Mom!

Boys!

Dad. l thought you were dead, dude.

Of course not. l wanted to get here early, so l could heat up the oil.

Does anyone want something deep-fried? - Some bakpaos?

Or not?

l'm going to get my mom. - Wait.

Ries, dude. What do you think?

That she didn't turn into one of those beasts?

lf you blow her head off, you'll have to drag her headless body back home.

lt's up to you, dude.

No!

For Christ's sake. Fucking vampires.

Gerrie.

What do we have here? Where did you get it?

Good quality.

Hey, cunt.

Mom!

Mom?

That fucking horn, man. Hey, Ries.

Mom, l love you.

Fuck!

Fuck! What an idiot.

Only Dave and Deborah can save us now.

Yes?

Later.

Adrie's coming to save us.

That car is loaded with my fireworks. He's going to light it up and jump out.

Right here. Boom.

A ball of fire like this. Just wait.

Dead.

For Christ's sake. Enough already.

Ugly fucks...

...the only thing l want is to bury my mom. Get it?

We're going to take care of this right now. Race!

Rikkert against one of you.

They won't understand that, dude.

That vampire is pretty much dead.

He has nothing to lose, dude. - So what have we got to lose?

Nice.

l can't see a fucking thing. - Dude, the Manta is ahead.

Ford Capri, 2 liters laser...

lt's fucking fast.

ls the mongoloid climbing on the roof? - No.

Boring.

No cunt, don't shoot the car. Shoot him in the face.

Yes!

Put them on the train!

Hey, Dave. There you are again. How's it going?

Nice to see that Maaskantje and Schijndel grew a bit closer together. Right, Dave?

Dave. That fuckface. He's been useless.

Found this in my inside pocket.

AlDS.

Good idea to put them on a train.

You saved the Netherlands.

l didn't know he liked Chinese too.

l didn't know he liked Chinese.

Chinese.

Anyway, l feel honored to inform you that Her Majesty the Queen is pleased...

...to make you a member in the Order of Oranje Nassau.

Right, well, one more thing. Two things actually.

So here it is:

Fuck whores and never work again.

Wait. We want to bury my mom first.

let me fuck whores and never work again

fuck whores and never work again

only fuck whores and never work again

fuck whores and never work again

only fuck whores...

Goddammit, that song hits the spot.

Hey. l hit your mom's spot last week.

Come on.

let me fuck whores and never work again

fuck whores and never work again

only fuck whores and never work again

lndeed, a parking lot. Yep.

Cover the region with asphalt.

Fucking Friesland.

Hey, Ries.

Ries.

Goddammit.

Sorry.

And action. - Hi, l'm Jurgen.

l won a part in New Kids Nitro and l'm Jurgen.

New Kids Nitro, dude.

For Christ's sake that's a strange coincidence.

lt is. l did have enough bullets earlier.

lt's the PulpShow!

He has a plan.

He likes that.

Ricardo, muff-diving king, where are you? - He's crazy or not?

Hey Ricardo, do you have some bus tickets for...

...for the bus.

Floor it.

For fuck's sake!

Hey, cunt. Are you completely crazy or something?

Forgot my lines.

Listen, mom.

Fuck off to your own cunt town and take that cunt...

Hey, l think...

The cops!

Made by Filipino children. Precision work.

Hit the brain, dude.

Yo, it's me. Do you know where l am?

ln the theater. You wanna know what l watched?

New Kids Nitro, dude.

Huh? No, Nitro.

Yo, that movie, right?

Yes, no, really, dude. Huh? Sure, better than part one.

lt starts off with the same thing, kind of. With those guys, you know.

At some point, they get into a fight with another town over there in...

...you know, Brabant. Yes, Sint Oedelrode.

Yes, that's in Brabant. lt's all set in Brabant.

They get into a fight and go nuts.

But it takes too much time, so they build a time machine.

Those other guys change into werewolves and they keep walking around.

And you won't believe this... l didn't see it coming, anyway...

Robots.

Yes, real robots. Yes, real fucking robots, dude.

Fucking whores.

Sorry.

Nice town, Maaskantje, isn't it? - Yes.