All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S04E02.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta[EZTVx.to]

It was
now late February.

Charlie and I were now
both busy looking for pubs.

And as for the chuckle brother,

he was still on his
nationwide tour.

Thankfully, Harriet
was still around.

Today, building new pig pens

in preparation for
the boar I'd hired

to make some new piglets.

And, with that done,

I turned up with the farm's
perfume manufacturer.

Where's the
boar? Not you, not you.

Harriet's bringing him down.

And then, he's going
to service these three.

These are the ones we
gave birth to in March.

They're nearly one! We
can't get Ajax back,

you know, the boar
from last year?

- Obviously not 'cause that's their daddy.
- Exactly, he's their dad.

So we've got a new one
and he's called Josca.

- And he's on his way now.
- Josca.

He's going to
service these three,

but we've got to get
a move on, or he has.

We can have none of that "Oh,
I can't get it in" behaviour.

Because if we want Christmas
hams, which we do...

Yeah.

And we're already at
the end of February,

and it's three months, three
weeks and three days of pregnancy.

So I want him out of that,
"porkscrew" deployed,

and ready for
docking procedures.

Hey, Harriet. Morning.

I've
brought you a pig!

Oh, you're big enough.

- Hello, Josca.
- He's nice.

- Is he bigger than the last...
- Yes, he is.

- Bigger than Ajax? He is.
- Yes.

Come on, piggy
piggy! Down we go, piggy!

- Now there's a bit of food.
- Come on, Josca.

I don't want to
distract him from the ladies.

Yeah.

This is
what I want to see.

Come on, Josca. Let's have some action.

Let's have some "bébés".

He's frothing.

This is a one-night stand
we're looking for here, mate.

Come on, hurry up,
quicker. Get on with it.

Rotters Nightclub, Doncaster,
1978: keep that in your mind.

So I'm just... So, let me just...
You reckon these are the girls?

Look on the bums and you
can see the little...

Clitoris. Clitoris.

You can't! They don't
have clitorises.

Hey! I promise you, they do.

Pigs have clitorises?!

I didn't know that this morning.

There has been no morning in the
last 63 years that I've known that.

- The little flicky bit?
- Yeah?

That's the clitoris. And
he says you can't see it...

- They all have them. Look at this one!
- Oh Jesus!

He can't find it
either, I can tell you.

Why do they? Do
they? I thought humans...

Do you not know what
a clitoris looks like?

I know, I do.

Have you never found one?

- I know human girls have them.
- You've never seen one? All animals...

- They don't.
- It's the start of the vagina, love.

Yes, they do! Look,
look, look, this one!

You can see the
flick, the flick.

- See? It's a little bean.
- "A little bean"!

- I can't!
- You can!

It looks
like a little... Oh.

To be honest, biology wasn't
the main thing on my mind with the pigs.

My worry, along with all the
other pig farmers in the area,

such as Richard and Vanessa...

Hi, Jeremy.

Good to see you.

- Well...
- Not good, is it.

...was that
the local abattoir

had just shut down.

It's a very sad day
for all local farmers.

I did some research last night.

There are now only 49 local
abattoirs left in the whole country.

There were a hundred
small abattoirs in 2007.

Then it was 60,
and now there's 49.

And they say that by
2030, there won't be any.

The legislation from the
government on abattoirs changes

every five minutes.

Makes it virtually impossible
to run an abattoir.

Yes.

So all that farm-to-fork, you know,
the government's gone, "Yes, farm"...

It's utterly crazy.

Nobody local can buy our pork,
nobody local can buy any local pork,

because we can't get it
slaughtered locally, now.

All our pigs are now in
one basket, so to speak,

and going to the supermarket.

- But that's totally...
- Yeah, but who's slaughtering them?

They go on a
three-hour lorry trip.

So you just put yours
on a huge great lorry

which goes off to an
industrial slaughterhouse?

Exactly.

But when you've already got...
I've got 39 ready to go next week.

Yeah, the cost of the lorry and
the washing-out, that is just...

Exactly, it's
all just too expensive.

Oh, I don't know what to do. I've got
to work out something for next week,

'cause they're all ready to go.

- Good luck.
- Yeah, good luck.

Because my pig
enterprise was quite small,

there was no way I could
afford to hire my own lorry

to go to a far-away abattoir.

However,

I had to put that problem
on the back burner,

because I needed to show
Lisa a pub I'd found.

Have you got
a business plan?

Yeah. You know
an Irish pub, I'm not sure

it's the same now,
but it used to be...

Well, you tell me actually,
'cause you're Irish.

In Ireland, it seemed
to me to be a pub

and then on the other side,
you had like a village shop.

Oh, yeah!

The reason why they did that is 'cause
all the men would get paid on a Friday,

"Would
you get some bread and butter?"

And he'd go off with all
his wages, go to the pub,

and drink it all and come
home absolutely smashed and...

And not buy
the bread and butter.

No, forget everything.

So half of the pub
was a little shop.

And as soon as the man went in,

the barman would take his
shopping list, pack it all up,

take the money out and then give him
the rest of the money to drink away.

And as he was leaving, he'd leave...
As the man was stumbling out,

and he'd put the bag
in his hand and say:

"Take that back to
your wife, now."

That is
my business plan.

If we have a pub and a
shop in the same place.

- Probably a butcher shop as well.
- A butcher shop would be great!

I know. So you can then go...

You can go to the pub and
also do your weekly shop.

'Cause at the moment, people go and
buy petrol and do their weekly shop

in the supermarket at
the petrol station.

How much... How can civilisation
have reached a point

where you buy your food
from a petrol station?

You should buy it from a pub.

The only problem with
my plan is that in the UK,

if you want to put
a shop in a pub,

the government's pub police
say that it must be listed

by the planning police as
a Class E establishment.

Welcome, everyone,
to the free world.

You wait till
you see this place.

- It will blow your mind.
- Ouh!

The main-road
Class E pub I'd found

was in Bourton-on-the-Water...

The most visited tourist
town in the Cotswolds.

It was called The
Coach & Horses.

And like so many
pubs in the area,

it was going to ruin.

It's 400 years old.
It's fantastic.

Wow.

And it's shut.

It keeps going bankrupt.

Nobody has been able to make it work
as a business for donkey's years.

- Why?
- I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.

Look at it. Look at it.

That is a stone roof. It's
not slate, it's stone.

Wow.

And you don't just get
the pub. You get this,

which is presently, I
think, five bedrooms.

- Wow!
- Airbnb rooms.

- They look amazing.
- You get all this.

And follow me.

Look what else.

You get this

and you make a lovely garden.

And this.

Wow! That's a huge space.

- Old stone barn there.
- Yeah?

There's a stone barn
there with a wooden front,

look, all with stone
roofs. So you get the pub.

You get that stone barn
with the stone roof.

This stone barn...

Butcher shop.

I love that!

Your shop,
your Diddly Squat shop.

Amazing. With
those lovely big windows.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, lovely.

- For less...
- Yeah?

Than the price of a
three-bedroom bungalow

ten miles from Birmingham,
or a two-bedroom flat.

- Stop it!
- Two-bedroom flat in a suburb of London.

Stop the lights! How
is that possible?

- Because pubs, they're just so cheap.
- Yeah.

They're so cheap.

Wow!

I mean, hello! I have done well.

I think I
might agree with you.

- Anyway, do you want to see inside now?
- I'm so excited.

First, though,

we had to get past the
barrage of welcoming signs.

I can
see why it closed.

I've never ever been into
a pub that says "fuck off"

more clearly than this one does.

- Urgh!
- What do you mean "urgh"?

Oh my God, there's
something. I don't know if it's...

- What is it?
- Look.

- It's like it's really big...
- Oh, it's a sluggy thing!

It's not a slug.
It's bigger than a slug.

- Oh, it is a slug.
- It's got babies. That's disgusting.

- So you come in.
- Yeah?

You've got the low beams. You've
got the fireplace. A cosy bar.

Oh God. It's
just so badly laid out.

Well, apart from the staircase
going through the bar.

Now, why they run it through
the bar, I don't know.

That is a drawback.

Oh. Oh.

- This has changed since I was last...
- This doesn't look very...

Oh!

Oh, Jesus.

Now, I've gotta be honest,
when I first looked round,

that hadn't fallen down.

But now...

Oh my God,
look, that's rotten.

That is totally rotten.

You're so negative.

I mean...

Lovely light fittings.

You know it was an Indian
restaurant until...

Well, its most recent incarnation
was as an Indian restaurant.

I think it's a fixer upper.

For fuck's sake, Jeremy!

- What's the matter?
- Has that been in a fire?

Well, yes, it has been in a
fire because that's the point of it.

It stinks! There has been a
fire in here, you know that?

No wonder it...

- What I love...
- Is that what smells?

Everybody's business goes...

There is a moment when you're in
business and then you're not in business.

They were cooking this at that
precise moment and it's still there.

It's a saag aloo,
I believe. It's...

Oh, God.

You'd think, "Well, I'll just wash this
pan up, then I'll go out of business."

But they were just going: "I'm
just making the saag aloo."

"You're out of business."

Does upstairs get better?

She's not going to be very
pleased when she sees what's up there.

Oh, my God.

Jeremy!

The carpets have seen
better days, I will admit.

I mean...

Don't stand still too long
because you'll stick to the floor.

Urgh!

Urgh!

Man!

That is bad! They've... Urgh!

Look, "Fire
exit". It's just on a wall!

Which way?
This way or that way?

- It just says...
- "Fire exit".

- "Fire exit"!
- Run.

No arrow.

And then, it was decorated

by the laziest man

in the universe, okay?

"Go in there and give
that a lick of paint."

So he got to this little
"No Smoking" sign...

"I could
take that off the wall.

Or, I'll just paint over it."

What is this?

Attention.

Please do not interfere with
this alarm or any of its sensors.

To prevent security
officers arriving shortly...

What the fuck is that?

...put
your key on the light.

Oh, you've done
it now, haven't you?

See, I think
what we can do...

I haven't
got... We've got a key.

Look, why don't you
just throw it out the window?

No, no, no, don't
do that, this is not ours.

Oh!

It's not a very good burglar alarm if
it goes off after ten seconds, is it?

Finally, we
reached the attic,

where even I will admit
there was a bit of a problem.

I think of all the things I've
seen so far, this is the scariest.

Because, look, this is
obviously a supporting beam,

and somebody has just cut it

so they can get through there.

What? How?

Where was the...?
How did they enter?

If that
beam still existed,

you wouldn't be able to
get to this huge door...

- Yeah, but...
- Into this bedroom.

- Is it actually meant to be a door here?
- Yes, they've carpeted it.

This door, I'm fairly confident,

wouldn't pass muster with
the building inspector.

What have you
done? What have you done?

"What have I done?"
It's a good question!

- What have I done?
- What have you done? You fucking eejit!

With the
guided tour complete,

Lisa was very moderate
in her judgement.

The only thing that would help
this shithole is a wrecking ball.

It's not a shithole!

Well, so far, I haven't
seen anything redeeming.

The outside's nice.

- The outside's lovely.
- Exactly.

I judge a book by its cover.

If it's got, like, a speedboat
and a girl in a bikini on it

and some Nazi gold,
I'll buy the book.

Also, I had
one ace up my sleeve

that would hopefully
convince her.

Now, the best thing, this
isn't in Oxfordshire.

This is Gloucestershire.

So it's not West Oxfordshire
District Council!

While I was
trying to win Lisa over,

the farm was alive to the
sound of a very busy Harriet.

The one thing that wasn't getting
any TikTok treatment, though,

was my Lamborghini,

which, with its ever-growing
list of age-related problems,

was starting to
properly annoy her.

The splitters on the
gear stick are broken!

That's broken.

That's broken.

Pull, pull.

Come on!

And it throws up a fault
signal every two minutes.

Argh!

And again!

And again!

Argh! Fucking thing!

Unfortunately for me,

I ran into her in the middle
of all this frustration.

Can you help
me lift the bonnet?

What's
the matter with it?

Error
codes. Brakes don't work.

Now I can't get the PTO to start
to put that down on the floor.

How do you lift the
bonnet up? Do you know?

There's a catch on the
front, a black button.

You need to press that button
and then push it up. There, look.

- There?
- Yeah. Push it in.

And then push it up.

No, that's not it.

I can't.

It's everything else... No, no,
hold on. That's not releasing it.

You try. And I'll lift it
up if you can get that in.

Yeah, go.

I knew you'd be able
to do that. Now I'm embarrassed.

Okay.

So just tell me again,
what is the problem?

Error code 18.

"Hydraulic circuit
signal not valid.

The control unit detects a discrepancy
between the oil pressure reading

and the operating status
of the transmission."

Erm...

Yes.

And then, the PTO won't start.

Obviously I know this.

Which is the PTO button?

On this console on your right.

You mean these?

Yeah. So
that's your Auto PTO

and that's your Start PTO.

I think it must be a sensor,
like a pressure sensor somewhere.

Actually, while we're here,
shall we lift the hedge cutter up

and trim your eyebrows?

- What?
- The hedge cutter?

- What's the matter with my eyebrows?
- Are you kidding?

I'm not surprised you
can't see anything.

Says she with two caterpillars
crawling out of her eyelids.

Well, I know, take it from me.

But they literally come
halfway down your eyelids!

I'm just... What
are you on about?

They are long.

Well, I've never known anyone
say that my eyebrows are wrong.

They're a million other things
you could say are wrong but...

That's better.

- What's the matter with them?
- They are long.

- Have you got any scissors, then?
- Yeah, I've got some scissors.

Go on, then.

- Is this your TikTok equipment?
- Here, you hold this.

- What is it?
- It's a brush.

Right, stand very still.

Is this manscaping?

Yeah, I
do this to my dad.

Beautiful.

Okay, sir.

- Look at that! Shall we brush them?
- No!

- Can we just get back to farming?
- Yeah, let's go to farm now.

So, the brakes aren't working.

I want to check that it's
got brake fluid in it.

So we need to find
the break reservoir.

Honestly, Kaleb and I looked.

We had to ring somebody
up and they didn't know.

No one knows where the brake
reservoir is on this thing.

- I can remember this from four years...
- What's this?

- What?
- What's this?

Have you found it?

- Yeah.
- What?

Oh, it's got brake fluid in it.
The brakes are just shagged, then.

All right, Gerald?

- Hello.
- Hello, Harriet.

You made a good job of the hedge,
considering the tractor you had to use.

Hang on a minute.

I distinctly
remember when I used

- this tractor and this machine...
- Yeah?

- ...on the same hedge two years ago?
- Yeah?

You said it was all my fault
that it had gone wrong.

But now...

Well, you didn't know how to do
that at the time properly, did you?

You just went along with
itself going like this.

You got a great big... Took
'em down as low as that.

We sat there drinking the
old champagne together.

You left one great mud heap
on the bottom of the grass!

Takes practise, hedge
cutting, big time.

If you start big stuff like this...

I actually thought, genuinely...

If you do the whole farm,

they're more natural there
than they are in the garden.

They got the old love
match, haven't they?

You know, they go too
fast...

After what may or may not
have been a ticking-off from Gerald,

it was a relief to get
back to The Coach & Horses.

So this would have been an open
fire, wouldn't it, back in its day?

Fucking great logs
thrown on there.

Convinced my
instincts were right,

I'd already put an offer in.

And now, Alan the builder had come over
to see what work would be necessary.

We're gonna knock this thing
down, ain't we? This half penny.

- Oh, it's a beauty.
- You love it? You love it?

- She's a beauty!
- Ain't that ever?

So just give us a list of what
you think is going to be a big problem.

I don't see a big problem.

- What?
- No, I don't see a big problem.

There's lots of little jobs,

but there's not a big problem.
Not a big problem here.

I can't see no damp.

And we can't move this staircase
that goes through the bar?

Well, we can, but
we'll have to put...

Yeah, it's just
accumulation, innit?

If you're gonna spend
400,000 to 500,000,

we don't need to move the stairs,
do we, for another two thousand.

Sorry, what did you just
say? "If I'm gonna spend"?

About 400,000, 500,000, 450,000.

- 450,000?
- Yeah.

You know my language
with 450,000!

- 450,000?
- Yeah!

- 450,000?
- To 500,000. A 50,000 contingency.

500,000, I know what that is. Is
there another way of saying that?

Yeah, well, there is, but,
yeah, no, there's not.

450,000 with a
50,000 contingency.

It's English! That's
the Cotswold talk!

The words are!

- Yes!
- The words are!

- So, let's have a...
- Hold on. Just a minute.

You reckon you could
get this operational

for 450,000

- with a £50,000 contingency?
- Leaving a fifty thousand... Yes.

I'm gonna be honest with
you, really honest with you.

I was expecting your number
to be bigger than that.

It's normal, ain't it? It's a normal
Cotswold old building needs a renovation.

Nothing deeply wrong with it.
It's just there's a lot of work.

Outside, we
discussed what we'd need to do

to make it into a restaurant
and a shop as well.

What are we doing about
planning, then, or building regs?

Well, I reckon...

- I talked to Neil, the planning man.
- Yeah?

- What Neil says we need is a pre-app.
- Yeah.

- Pre-application, I think it's.
- Yeah.

- So, but he said it can be very rough.
- Yeah, yeah, definitely.

It can just be, "We want to take this
bit down and replace it with this,

here's an aerial
view of the site."

What do we come under? What
council? Are we Witney...

- Cotswolds!
- It's Cotswolds, yeah.

- It's not West Oxfordshire!
- Cool, yeah.

But if we do the pre-app,

"That
looks like a good idea."

We go for it.

He said Cotswolds' a way different
animal to West Oxfordshire.

- He really rates them.
- We've gotta get into them, then.

Yeah, he just says it's a
good council. So that's great.

To be honest, it's
all in good nick, ain't it?

- That finial on the end...
- That's not what Lisa said!

No, but...

We'll put her right!

Given that the
pre-application plans were a priority,

my next meeting was
with Annie and Scott,

the couple who run the
burger van at the farm shop,

to get their advice on how
the pub should be laid out.

Our urgent problem is, if
we wanna catch the summer,

which we do, we've
gotta get the plans in.

The average rule of thumb is between
1.7 and 1.9 square metres per cover.

1.7 to 1.9...

If the goal is
to do food from the farm,

you need to maximise the
number of tables you've got.

Which you will need
a decent-sized kitchen for.

We're thinking
of pulling all this down.

- Right.
- We'll put one of those glass boxes up.

Lovely.

And this will
be a restaurant as well,

if the plans go as we want
them to.

With the layout
eventually sorted,

I now had to wait for
the plans to be drawn up.

This meant I could
get back to farming.

So, Harriet and I went to the
mushroom bunker to restock.

They take how long to grow?

- Two weeks and then they should be...
- Two weeks?

- ...sprouting.
- That's a quick turnaround.

Oh, yeah. And then
it's all hands on deck.

There's no time for any other
farming once these start growing.

There isn't!

Yeah, right!

Lisa would love to have
been helping us today

but she's working on a new scent,
which she's calling Silage.

Well, actually, she's calling
it... "Silage".

Having
restocked the mushrooms,

we had to deal with
Charlie's wild bird seed.

And the drive back to
the yard was, for me,

extremely and
unexpectedly enlightening.

So, on TikTok,
there's a lot of young farmers.

- There is.
- And all of you just dance.

I don't dance!

Well, you play music.

Yeah, I... Yeah.

But the whole reason I
started on TikTok was because

I was showing me...

It was literally just a video of
me just driving a tractor, rapping.

- Yeah.
- Erm...

And it was more so
to show, you know,

that why can't girls do the
exact same that the lads can do.

But is that what's going on?
Girls just going, "Look, we can do this"?

Well, yeah,
for the most part of it.

There's less girls
than there is lads.

There's a lot of lads that, you
know, are on it and showing it.

But that's why I think
girls need to go and do it,

because why can't they do it?

If you're sitting
on a tractor all day long,

it's quite lonely.

Yeah, it is very lonely
sitting on a tractor all the time.

But if you
do that, in some way,

- you're connecting with other people.
- Yeah, I think so.

So it doesn't feel like you're
out there all alone all day long.

And, to be fair,
for the majority of it,

people are really nice
and comment and say, like,

you know, "get on that a girl's
doing this" and la-de-da.

And it makes you feel a bit...

- Better.
- Yeah.

I know everybody talks
about "mental health".

I used to call it "being unhappy". But
apparently it's "mental health" now.

But it's bad in farming, so.

It's absolutely
awful in farming, yeah.

In our local young farmers,

there's been quite a few lads
that have taken their own lives.

- You're kidding?
- No.

- You knew people?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they
can't get on in farming?

Well, that, and the fact
that it's such a lonely thing.

And the fact that they never
have any money because...

- Well, they're farmers.
- They're farmers.

They never have the money
to do anything they want.

And, like, all we do
is work, work, work.

And it's not very often that
we go away and get a holiday,

one, because we don't
have the money for it,

two, because we don't
have time to do it.

So it's just... It's lonely.

But, yeah, no, it is a massive
thing, mental health in farming.

Hopefully, TikTok helps
a bit and brings...

It puts you in touch with other
people who are in the same boat as you.

- Yeah, for sure.
- And then somebody goes:

"It's pointless sitting there
doing that silly dance."

And of course it is
pointless if you're...

If you're the Grinch.

Well, I don't know
what the "grinch" is. But, yes.

So the bird seeds at
the back of this barn.

Yeah. Are you ready?

What for?

Are you ready?

What the fuck is that?

That is the best bit of
kit you will ever see.

Look at this and that!

I know, I know,
but where's it come from?

Chandlers.

- What?
- Chandlers.

What's that?

It's a dealer.

So you've borrowed
this on a trial loan?

Yeah. Demo.

- Yeah.
- Don't you love it?

Look at the exhaust pipe.

That's like out of a metro.

Well, why
do we need that?

Because
it's a proper engine.

Do you know how many
horsepower this is?

Oh, no, not enough. What is it?

- 155.
- Christ, that's...

That is perfect.

Can I just ask, why
have you got it in?

Because we need it for spraying.

Why don't you use
that for spraying?

'Cause the sprayer isn't
compatible with it.

- What?
- The hydraulic flow rate on that

will pump too much oil into the sprayer
and it'll just break the sprayer.

So your sprayer doesn't
actually fit on that tractor.

Well, how does Kaleb do it?

On his tractor.

Oh, so he's using... Oh.

- No, never fit, never will.
- Oh...

And you like...

Massey Ferguson.
They're my tractors.

Poor old Lamborghini. He's going
to be feeling a little bit put out by...

Well, I bet it looks...
It just looks poor, doesn't it, now.

You've only got two
buttons here. That's not enough.

- What?
- Well, I've got four.

Well... No,
that's the link arms.

Why would you have four
buttons for the link arms?

Up and down.

You can actually push out your
hitch from the other side.

- You can move the hitch with?
- You can, yeah. You push.

You know when you're
in there and you say,

"Oh, push it out" and
"I can't see anything"?

You can actually do
that from down here.

Okay, so it's got
that one feature.

No, it's got multiple more.

Sorry, Lamborghini.

The rep this morning said:

"See if Jeremy wants to buy
it!" And I was like, "erm..."

"See if Jeremy wants to..."
Why would I buy that?

Where does it say
"Lamborghini" on it?

Despite my
loyalty to Lamborghini,

I was secretly intrigued.

So, when Harriet went
off to kill some slugs...

I sneaked the Massey out
for a quick test-drive.

Christ, it's got brakes.
A turning circle...

Mirrors I can see out of.

I've got to be honest...

it's quite
easy to drive, this.

It's a lot easier
than the Lamborghini.

Even though I was feeling
desperately unfaithful to the Lambo,

my head was being turned.

It's got an iPad in it!

But, since the Massey was the
only modern tractor I'd ever driven,

I decided to be thorough

and test-drive some
others as well.

Before I could do
any of that, though,

I had to attend an important meeting
at Gloucestershire County Council

to talk to their highways
people about how we could deal

with the possible traffic
issues at the pub.

- How do you do? Neil Warner.
- Pete Bungard.

- Good to meet you.
- Hello, Pete. Charlie.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Jeremy Clarkson.

- How are you?
- Pete Bungard.

And Charlie and I were
accompanied by our planning expert,

Neil.

Context, I suppose.

It's an existing
restaurant, pub...

I think most recently
an Indian restaurant,

so the purpose of the pre-application
with Cotswold is to talk about

how we bring this pub,
which has been through

eight different operators
in the past ten years,

bring it back to life,
make it a viable business

and an asset for
Bourton-on-the-Water.

So this is why we're
coming to you guys,

because obviously the highways
is an important bit to talk about

and it's getting that bit right.

Given my experience of
council meetings in the past,

my hopes were not exactly high.

...knowledge as to where
we might go with the site.

However...

So, we're pro-development,
we're pro-tourism.

And the Highway Authority's job

is to try and say yes.

You know, our starting point is

we hope we can accommodate
the consequences of this.

If not, we'll suggest ways
you could make it safer.

We're really, really
keen to work with you,

understand what it is
that you want to achieve,

understand some of
your experiences

from your previous
endeavours at Diddly Squat,

and to see whether or not we
can take some of that learning

and make sure that we can mitigate
or avoid some of those issues

on what is, on the face of it,

a very exciting investment
opportunity that links in very much...

The meeting
continued in this vein

to a very promising conclusion.

It was very nice to
meet you. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Hopefully that was useful.

It was very
good, yes. Very good.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

And the following
day, there was more good news

because we'd finally found a way of
transporting the pigs to slaughter.

Charlie
has found a farmer

- near Banbury.
- Right.

And he's
organised a lorry

to go round all the farms with
animals that need slaughtering,

and it's sort of going round picking
them up and then takes them there.

And it's only a hundred quid.

That's incredible.

It's like the school run.

Animal-farm school run.

- Hey yup!
- Morning.

Morning, morning!

Piggies! Come on!

- Come on!
- Come on, piggies!

- Here we go. Come on, boys.
- Come on!

How many
have we got there?

- Is that ten?
- Ten.

Lovely job.

With the
pigs loaded up,

we scooted over to the yard

to wait for the school bus.

Bloody Nora!

- That's a big wagon.
- That's the biggest school bus.

That is a
school bus right there.

Morning.

- Morning.
- How are you?

- Good. How are you?
- Good.

So, do you
take cows, pigs,

- sheep, everything?
- Yeah.

- Is that a double-decker?
- Yeah.

Wow.

Come on, then! Up, up!

Bye, pigs.

You saved
our bacon, not theirs.

Thank you very much.

Movement order
for the pig police.

Thank you. See you soon.

It's a bloody
good idea. The Volvo XC90.

- School-run lorry.
- Of the livestock world!

It is! The XC90 of the
livestock world! Exactly right!

We'll see you
again. Thank you, guys.

Take care.

A couple of days later,

I suggested to Lisa that we should
go to our local pub for a date night.

So that I could romantically
explain the plans for my pub.

So, here it is.

It's a
pre-planning-application thing.

It just says to the council:

"This is what we've got in
mind, just so you know."

That's all it says.
So here's the pub.

That's that.

You put a glass wall here,
a glass wall there, roof.

So in the wintertime it will be freezing
and in the summer it will be boiling.

Well, no. I know
you're from Ireland,

but over here we have something
called central heating

and air conditioning.

And then, the kitchen is here.

And then, you come through
here, or through that,

into the drinking bit.

There's nothing that makes you feel,
"Oh, God, it's all a bit posh, this."

It's all very straightforward,
down-to-earth.

- Good food.
- Yeah.

No frills. Horse brasses,
definitely having those.

I'd love a bit of
patterned carpet somewhere.

With a big sign at the back
saying "Doncaster Rovers".

- Patterned carpet?
- Yeah, squirly-whirly.

The only reason they had patterned
carpet is when people vomited on them,

it wouldn't show. We're not
having patterned carpet.

- Anyway, that's the plan.
- Okay.

And I
want to make a pub

with really good food
from British farmers,

so we're supporting
British farmers,

that isn't expensive.

I'm gonna pay proper
money for their produce.

And then, I have to
somehow work out a way

of making this the
cheapest-to-run pub

ever.

You could hire convicts.

But if I close my
eyes I can see it.

I hear you, I hear you, but I
just think it's a great idea,

but you need to do some homework,
especially when you have to spend money.

- I know.
- You're not the best at spending money.

So that's all going
to be a shock.

But, if we stay here and
get massively pissed,

it won't seem quite so daunting.

Sadly, though, we had
to go home for an early night.

Because the following morning,
we had the big tractor test.

Sad day.

I mean, it's 20...

So it's...

12, 13 years old.

I think it should have
retired a couple of years ago.

It's just
the brakes never work.

- They don't.
- It blows fuses all the time.

- It does.
- We paid forty thousand for this one

five years ago?

That's been really good. For
forty grand, that's been amazing.

I know, and everybody laughed at
me when I said I've spent £40,000.

"You've spent £40,000
on a Lamborghini?"

That's phenomenally cheap!

You know that Massey Ferguson

- that Harriet's borrowing?
- Yeah, it's very sweet.

Do you know how much that costs?

160,000.

- Wow.
- 160,000.

- That's a lot.
- But anyway.

So I'm going to look. If
this is a Lamborghini...

Yes?

I've decided to have a look at
the "Golf" range of tractors.

- Think of it in terms of underwear.
- Hm-mm.

This is Agent Provocateur.

I'm gonna look at the Bridget
Jones beige, big pants tractors.

Oh, look.

At that moment,

Bridget Jones came
trundling up the drive.

It's green, so
it's a John Deere.

Take a guess how much.

For this little thing?

- £223,000.
- Wow!

Morning, John.

- John Deere!
- Morning!

Do you know an interesting
thing about John Deere?

I don't.

- I do.
- Do you?

He never saw a
tractor in his life.

Did you know that?

- Yeah, that's true!
- It's a true fact.

It's only
got four cylinders.

Well, how many
cylinders do you need, though?

Well, eight, usually.

Uh-oh, we've
got a delivery.

Who's this? What's...

Oh, it's another tractor.

Why would you
get more than one?

I've got
them all. All of them.

What's "all of them"?

Eight.

Eight coming
today? Eight?

Ah, Jesus. What have you done?

You didn't realise they were
gonna come on trailers, did you?

Eejit.

God's sake.

Sensing the mood,

I hid in the nearest
tractor I could find,

which was a Fendt.

What the bloody hell?

- What do they all do?
- All very simple.

- You can make them do...
- It's not!

...whatever you want to do!

Oh, you can choose
what each button does?

Yeah, you can assign anything,
anywhere, to suit the job you're doing.

Oh, you've got some more coming.

Oh no, I have, yes.

Oh, shit, I've really
overdone this, haven't I?

Ah, Jesus.

Can you make it down there?

The new model of this
one now does 65 MPH.

Does it really?

Oi! Out!

- Now! And sort this calamity.
- Excuse me.

- Excuse me, sir.
- You're needed.

It's International Women's Day
tomorrow. She's practising.

International Women's Day!
It doesn't matter who!

The fucking eejit male!

Easiest one
to get in and out of.

That is actually
rather good, isn't it?

Can you make it down?

I won't get round.

You won't get round? Okay.

With the chaos growing,

I immediately hid in
another tractor cab.

This is the Italian tractor
you should have bought.

- Oh, it's Italian?
- Italian, yes.

Made in northern Italy.

Family-owned firm.

- We build 22,500 tractors a year.
- Oi!

Move it!

Sorry. Shut the door.

It's a good-looking tractor, this.
You can tell the Italians have had...

Oh, my giddy aunt. Oh
no, that's Harriet.

Oh. My. God.

Shit!

Jesus Christ!

I thought you'd be
like a kid in a Barbie shop.

- What have you done?
- Well, I got them all in,

which was, I think with
hindsight, a mistake.

How do you test-drive a tractor?

Well, put machinery on it.

For a week.

For a week!

We can't do that,
we've got a day.

What are you
gonna do with them all?

I don't know.

The only
solution I could think of

was to allow myself
to be engulfed

in a tidal wave of sales patter.

57 K semi-power shift.

All of the gear, engine and transmission
is all colour coded in orange.

Anything yellow's your PTO.

Anything blue is to do
with your hydraulics.

But instead of 1 to 4,
they're colour-coded

blue, orange, green and grey.

So in one hand, you
can have 27 controls

if you really wanted.

Dual-clutch technology,
like a racing car.

An odd
clutch and an even clutch.

So if you just put your foot down,
it'll work its way up from B1

all the way to D5.

And if you're really interested,

that gives you two more
sets of those nine controls.

So you've got a wheel on,
like, a hydraulic ram.

So you fire hydraulic
oil into the ram

and it will push the ram
up, extend it or retract it,

depending on which way
you send oil to it.

I didn't understand any of that.

An hour later, though,
I was more bewildered than ever.

So, I came up with a plan

to help me sort the
wheat from the chaff.

I'm gonna test one feature,

the one feature which has driven
me mental in the Lamborghini,

the trailer hitch,

which is...

this.

Now, you'd imagine

you'd push a button,
it would come out,

hook onto whatever
you're trying to attach,

and then you push a button,
and it goes back in again.

But it never works like that.

One of them will have a
trailer-hitch system that works.

If the trailer-hitch
system works,

- or works in a way that I can work it...
- Yes.

It's likely
everything else works.

Nice. So you want something
that speaks your language.

Yeah.

Once all the tractors
and drivers were lined up,

I took charge of giving
them their instructions.

Hello?

♪ Olé, Olé, Olé,
Olé We are the champions ♪

Jesus Christ!

- Does it actually work?
- Where's the thing?

Right,
sorry about that, everybody.

We're going to do a
tow-hitch release test.

First I want...
Hang on a minute.

Have they got to get...
What about their arms?

So, arms start on the floor.

Arms start on the floor.

- Yeah.
- And...?

Hitches out and
down and then stop.

No, they've
gotta start with their hitches in.

Yeah, so arms
on the floor. Lift your arms up.

Release your hitch.
Drop your hitch down.

It's the
first to get their hitch out.

And down.

- And down?
- Yeah.

First to get
your hitch out and down, okay?

Except for the Fastrac
'cause that can't go out.

Except
for the F... What?

The Fastrac can't go
out. It can only go down.

Apart from the
Fastrac. JCB, you can only go down.

Out.

Down.

Down.

With the rules
clearly explained,

we then broke out the stopwatch.

Ready, steady, go.

Oh, here it comes.

And...

- Stop.
- 13.6.

Right, Mr Case.

14.57.

Oh!

Go!

That is fast arms.

They are!

It's
still gotta go down.

- 19!
- 19 on the John Deere.

Right. Valtra.

Fastest finger first.

Go.

Look, you see?

My case rests.

It's not just me that
can't ever bloody do this.

- Ah, there we go.
- Finally. And then...

Nearly, nearly!

Stop.

Four days...

...eleven hours.

Right. New Holland. Go.

- Oh, this is quick!
- Bloody quick.

Stop.

12.04.

The New Holland
remained unbeaten.

And the test had given me a
top three from which to choose.

The Case,

the Fendt

and the New Holland.

Making that choice, though,

was filling me with
absolute dread.

- Who Wants to Be a Millionaire suit.
- That's it.

I wish I'd called and checked
on the dress code earlier.

Today was definitely
a suit-wearing day,

because Neil the planning guy and I had
to meet with another local authority,

Cotswold District Council,

to talk about my
planning application.

But, given how things had
gone with the Highways people,

the mood was good.

- I've made some notes.
- Yeah?

And we're
looking for what?

We're looking for them to be
helpful, to say yes to things,

- rather than a West-Oxfordshire no.
- Yeah.

Yeah, just have some agreement
that they're going to work with us,

and they think it's a good idea,
which it clearly is, isn't it, so.

Well, yeah.

The Cotswold Council
wouldn't allow us to film the meeting,

so we had to cut
cameras at this point.

But afterwards,

Charlie, Neil and
I met up in a café

to discuss how it had gone.

Okay, guys, come
on. I mean, I'm...

I'm just... I cannot believe

we're back where
we started from.

I have to tell the ladies and
gentlemen what's happened.

I genuinely looked for a pub

out of West Oxfordshire

to get away

from West Oxfordshire
District Council.

Turn up at the meeting,

and who should be
sitting there, on Zoom,

but Phil Shaw, our nemesis from
West Oxfordshire District Council,

who's also the planning officer
for over here in Gloucestershire.

And we had a man
from Bourton Council,

and he just didn't have a
single positive thing to say,

not one single positive thing.

He was very concerned, wasn't
he, about his residents.

"Well, people are going to come to
your pub. They're going to come."

I know they are, that's
the point of a pub.

I wrote down the
positives and...

Oh, well,
that's a short list.

Yeah! Well, there were some.

They did accept... I mean, the pub's
had eight owners in twelve years.

The guy said it's just
not doing very well.

Eight owners in twelve
years, all failed.

We come along, we'll
make a success of it.

"Oh, that's what
we're worried about."

That is genuinely what they're
worried about, because:

"Oh, you'll bring
a lot of people."

- Well, that's good.
- They said "theme park".

"You're gonna open a theme park." No,
it's a pub with a restaurant and a shop.

Disneyland does not have butcher
shops in it, as far as I know.

No.

I honestly believed,

because it is an existing pub and
because it will eventually crumble,

'cause nobody's gonna
buy it apart from us,

they would bite our hands off.

But I'm filled with
gloom after that.

I want to get this open by...

- the August Bank Holiday weekend.
- Hmm.

There's going to be nothing smooth about
this planning application, is there?

I think it might be time to have

a bit of a rethink.

No, Lisa.

When was the last time you gave
birth to anything? Shut up.

It has a good flow to it.

Very, very charming.

You're back!

You all right?

I had to get someone to help me.

You'll meet Harriet.
You'll like her.