All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S04E01.480p.x264-mSD[EZTVx.to]

Here we go.

No, cows, don't do that!

Get back, get back!

Do you understand?

Get back.

I'm on my own, here.

Morning, pigs.

Stop!

I want to make it
absolutely plain

that I'm absolutely
thrilled to bits for Kaleb.

I'm not a socialist.

I want him to do well, I
want him to make money,

I want him, one day, to be
able to buy his own farm.

But...

he has left me just a
little bit in the lurch.

Good evening, Coventry!

Please give a huge
agricultural welcome

to the farmer on tour.

All the way from
Chipping Norton,

Kaleb Cooper!

Stop, no! Get off.

Welcome back
to Clarkson's Farm,

where things have gone
a bit topsy-turvy.

How are you doing,
mate? You all right?

- There we go.
- There we go. Pleasure.

Kaleb is
now in the spotlight.

There we go, look.

And I'm in the winter.

Outside, on the farm...

Doing all the jobs,

on my own.

Come on, rise and
shine. If I can get up, you can.

Come on.

Yeah, I know it's
raining. Come on.

Please, come on. Please. It's
freezing cold and soaking wet.

Come on!

Come on, out!

They say that one man

should be able to run

anything up to a thousand-acre farm
on his own, and that's probably true,

if the man is competent
and practical.

It's also probably true
if the farm is arable.

But this is mixed.
I've got all the crops.

And I've got pigs,

and cows,

and sheep,

and goats,

and the hens.

Egg.

Good.

Yes, I'm shovelling shit.

What's this?

Two and half tons
of wild bird feed.

Why have... Why is it...

Charlie Ireland here.

Sorry, I can't get to the phone
right now, but I'll call you back.

Here we go, goats.

Ah, ah, ah!

No, fuck! One's escaped!

Two's escaped.

For fuck's sake.

Back, otherwise you're gonna
be in an Indian restaurant.

Ah, ah, ah!

And sadly, Lisa wasn't
around to share the workload

because she was away on one of her
thin blonde Oxfordshire women projects,

learning how to make scent.

So you've got your top notes,

like oranges, like the
bergamot, like the lemons.

And the middles are like the
roses, the jasmins, the lavenders.

And then, you've got your
patchouli, you've got your...

You've got your musks,
which are much deeper...

Come on, pigs!

Oh no! Oh, God, no!

Oh, shit. Fuck.

Fuck.

Fucking hell.

Oh, God.

♪ They've got 20 acres ♪

♪ And you've got 43 ♪

♪ Now I've got a brand-new
combine harvester ♪

♪ And I'll give you the key ♪

♪ Come on now, let's get
together in perfect harmony ♪

♪ I've got 20 acres
and you've got 43... ♪

No.

Shit.

And there is my quest,

clearing away Kaleb's soggy hay.

Up you come.

Oh, shit...

No!

For fuck's sake.

Bollocks.

Hi, Charlie.

Yeah. I was just wondering why we've
got five bags of wild bird seed.

Ah! Erm...

We've got to do some
supplementary feeding

under the Countryside
Stewardship Scheme.

- So...
- What? Feeding the birds?

Yeah.

What do I put it into
to make it bird feed?

Hello?

Hello?

- Hello, can you hear me?
- Yeah?

Not really...

So, the rest of the day, I've
got to muck out the cows,

and in a little bit time,

I've got to collect more eggs.

And feed the goats, and
feed the pigs again.

And then...

Guess what I'm doing.

I'm gonna feed the pigs, feed
the goats, collect the eggs.

And on top of
all the animal husbandry,

we were now getting
to that time of year

when I'd have to start thinking
about planting the crops.

- This is winter wheat.
- Yeah.

- The durum wheat needs doing.
- Yeah.

- Spring barley, that needs doing.
- Spring barley.

And it wasn't just the
wheat and barley that needed sorting,

because the government had just
announced all the exciting new schemes

that would replace
the old EU subsidies.

And as Charlie explained,

this meant I'd have
to plant new crops

whose names were a blizzard
of Whitehall gobbledygook.

This,

which is all the land
around the farm shop...

Yeah.

Is Herbal Ley SAM3.

- Which sounds like a missile.
- Correct.

What's a herbal ley?

- A herbal ley is a GS4.
- What?

Herbal ley is GS4.

- The sustainable farming incentive.
- That's the SFI.

- Yes.
- That covers the GS4.

That covers... No. That...

The SFI has a code of
SAM3 for the herbal ley,

but Countryside Stewardship,
which is another scheme...

- That's CSS HT.
- Yes, the higher tier,

which covers this.

So... But I'm planting...

It's a SAM3, but
it's also a GS4.

And it's a herbal ley.

It is a herbal ley.

How many fucking meetings have
Defra had to come up with this?

The bottom line was that
the government would give me money

so long as I didn't grow food,

only stuff that would
make the soil healthier.

So, herbal ley is a mix of three
kinda key different species.

You've got grasses,
herbs and some legumes.

The point is, they all
root at different depths.

They create a
different sort of soil.

- This is "soil action", hence SAM.
- It makes the soil better.

Yeah.
Invest in the soil,

take it out of the rotation
for a couple of years...

- Yeah.
- And then you can also graze it.

I was about to say, we can
put sheep and cows on it?

- Yeah.
- So they get free food.

- Yeah.
- And the government guarantees

- £160 an acre.
- Correct.

And there
was more good news,

because the government had also
upped the amount they were paying me

to look after my
wildflower meadows.

So they were giving us £100.

Pretty much. Just under
£100 an acre, and now,

you're gonna get £240 an acre.

Bloody hell!

They're paying you properly now for
the environmental value of those.

There's loads of stats
about the reduction in area

of what are proper
wildflower meadows.

Is it 80%?

In the last 100 years,
80% of Britain's wild...

99%.

But we have had two wars
in that time, proper wars,

where...

"Korea wasn't a proper war.

Argentina wasn't a proper war.

Not until you're fighting Jerry
are you having a proper war."

Erm...

That's exactly
what I didn't mean.

Now, this is, I must be honest,
from my point of view, good news,

'cause this takes all
the risk out of farming.

Weather can do what it likes,

there can be a war and it
won't make any difference.

We know how much we're going
to earn, which is brilliant.

But here's the thing,

because Kaleb is presently
in York, I believe,

- on his tour...
- Mm-hmm.

I've got to drill this.

- Yes, you've got to get on and drill it.
- I've got to drill it.

So, the next morning...

Right...

After getting up in the
dark to feed all the animals...

Here you go, cow.

I loaded the hopper

with the GS4 SAM3 SFI herbal ley

and set off.

Good to be back
doing tractoring.

But I do feel a bit
like the pilot's out

for their first
ever solo flight.

They have an engine failure,

they radio the tower, and there's
always an instructor there

who can talk them in.

I don't have an instructor
in the tower today.

It's just me.

But as a bonus,

I'd no longer have to deal with
my most hated tractoring issue,

the stupid and useless
scratch marker.

Absolutely no idea, here.

Simply not visible.

Because I'd come
up with a new invention.

I'm so happy about this.

It's a water-based paint, so
it's not gonna harm the earth.

Thicken it up with flour.

Gordon Ramsay would
call that lumpy.

And I'd have to agree
with him, but...

Here we go.

Look at that. Look at it!

It's already
started to come out.

Can you see it just dribbling
out gently, exactly as I planned?

The paint will dribble
down over the brush.

The brush will then distribute
that paint onto the tyre,

which will leave a
mark that I can follow

in the field.

I'm not actually gonna do any drilling.
I just want to see if this works.

Okey-dokey.

Here we go.

Oh, my God! I've done
something properly and well!

I'm leaving a mark,

a mark that can
actually be seen.

Yes, yes, yes.

Every farmer, I was gonna say
in Britain, but in the world

is going to look at
this now and say,

"I must have that on my farm."

I am the new Jethro Tull,

and I don't mean the Jethro Tull

where he stands on one
leg and plays the flute,

that's Ian Anderson, I
mean the other Jethro Tull,

who revolutionised British
agriculture in the 18th century.

That's me now.

21st century Jethro Tull.

Now, what I'm gonna do is stick out
the traditional farming marker...

Bollocks.

Which is on the other
side, for the round back...

You can see how
useless that is. Ready?

Where's my white line?

No.

Where the bloody
hell has it gone?

Where's the bloody...

I could see the paint going on
the field but it's not there now.

Oh, there it is! There
it is, I can see it,

here, when I started.

So it worked for about 40 yards.

And then it sort of didn't.

And to rub
salt in the wound,

the stupid metal scratcher
thing had chosen this day

to suddenly start working.

For fuck's sake.

This is irritating,
'cause you can see. Look.

The metal disk has made
a very, very clear mark.

Oh, shit. What's it doing?

Why is that beeping? Oh, God.

Fuse's gone.

This tractor is getting
Alzheimer's, I fear.

Where... The fuse's gone.

Because the fuse's blown,
I can't fold the flaps in.

But I can't drive back to
the farm with the flaps out,

because I can't get through
a gate or go down the road.

What I'd normally do at a
time like this is phone Kaleb

and ask him to bring
the fuse up here.

Kaleb isn't here.

Bollocks.

New fuse.

So get that in... No,
wait, hang on. Oh, God...

The old-fashioned disk that I need
to put back on is back at the farm.

Fuse in, fold it up,
back to the farm.

Take that off, put
the old one back on.

It's twenty past one.

Turns out, I'm not Jethro Tull.

I'm just a hapless fuckwit.

Come on! There...

By the time I'd
removed my new invention...

There we go.

Rolled around in the
dirt to calibrate the drill...

14, 13, 12...

And got back to the
field, it was almost 4 o'clock.

I'm drilling.

Totally solo drilling.

No, I need my glasses
to see the speed.

That's only 11 km/h.

Oh, I haven't put my
thing out. Oh, shit!

I forgot my thing.
Shit, shit, shit.

I forgot to put my marker
thing out, after all that.

Oh, it's beeping. What the hell?

And I haven't got
my markers out.

Do I have to go out to
put them out? Oh no...

And then... Oh, I'm rolling
backwards, now. Wait.

Do I put... "Markers"?

No, that's the wrong one!

Oh, come on!

Right, I've got that out, good.

Third gear.

I think I'm good.

Oh, I put...

Shit, I forgot to
lower the drill!

It won't lower.

Yes, down.

There we go, I'm drilling.

No.

Erm...

What?

I've got stuck.

Ah, there's the problem.

White box has come down.

God...

Yeah, get that up.

Right, now I'm going to
drill it. Now I'm drilling.

Oh, shit, the fan's not on.

Fucking hell.

God, there's a lot
to think about!

According to Charlie, the
government have satellites

that will be used to make sure
I've done a good enough job here.

Well, the government satellite is
going to look down on this field

and just go, "He was drunk."

I'd hardly done any drilling
before the winter darkness descended.

And then, the ageing
Lambo went wrong... again.

Where's my dashboard lights
gone? Oh no. That's not it.

So I've no dashboard lights now.

That's the new
problem, that's good.

That is pure guesswork.

I can't see the marker.

I don't know how fast I'm going

and I don't know
what gear I'm in.

Right...

The next thing, of course, is how
much seed have I got, because...

Was it one bag a hectare
or a bag an acre?

Oh, I don't even know. I
don't know, I'm just guessing.

This meant I didn't know
that my hopper had become empty

and that I was now driving up
and down planting nothing at all.

And when I discovered this
and was filling it up again,

His cheerfulness arrived.

Hi.

How's it going?

I'm gonna be honest, I'm
having a tottering time.

- A tottering time?
- A tottering time.

The fuses keep blowing
in the tractor.

And I don't know how...

I don't know when...
I don't know anything.

Literally, I was thinking,
well, a fuse has blown,

Lisa's in London,

Kaleb's wherever the
bloody hell he is,

it's now coming up
for six o'clock,

and all I've drilled
in a whole day...

a tenth of the field?

So after four years of farming?

Yes, but critically, only
four spells of drilling.

I've only done
drilling four times.

I'm not saying.

It's quite exposing being on your
own. This isolation is kinda...

I'm thinking, while Kaleb's
away, I'm going to need a hand.

That's probably a sensible...

- Particularly with...
- What I'm really worried...

The cash crop, the barley.

I can cock this up,
it doesn't matter,

- ultimately, really.
- As much. No.

- But if I cock the barley up...
- Yeah?

Would it possible for you

to go away...

- Just go away?
- Just go away.

And see if you can find somebody
to come and give me a hand?

'Cause I'm properly struggling.

There's a couple of good agencies.
We can find temporary staff.

- Happens all the time.
- Perfect.

- Okay.
- All right?

- All right, see you later.
- Cheerio.

A couple of days
later, there was good news,

because Charlie called to
say that a stand-in for Kaleb

would be arriving at lunchtime.

Sansa?

You've been at school, haven't you?
You've been learning how to be a dog!

She went away for a
month to be trained.

Total transformation.

A month at school
and she's mended.

Sansa!

Heel.

Heel, Sansa. Heel.

Heel.

No, Sansa.

You've been trained
now, come on.

Heel, Sansa...

Sansa!

Heel. No!

Sansa, heel.

I give in.

Later, after
I had fed the animals,

finished off the GS4 drilling

and gone back to the office to deal
with the daily government paperwork,

my new helper arrived,

a young farmer called Harriet.

Hello.

- Hi, Jeremy. How are you? Have a seat.
- I'm all right. Are you?

- Thank you.
- Oh, brilliant.

Did you have a
good trip? A good journey?

Well, kind of.

But I turned all the motorways
and toll roads off on my sat nav

so I ended up coming on B roads.

- Where have you come from?
- Derbyshire.

- Flat country.
- It's not flat at all.

It is flat. Do you want coffee?

No, thanks. I don't like
coffee. Have you got tea?

No.

- I'll be all right, then.
- Honestly, I haven't got any tea.

Sorry.

No, it's so good...

- So you can come and give me a hand.
- Yeah.

- Charlie says you are from a farm.
- Yeah.

It is your mum and dad's farm?

It was me grandad's farm and
then now my dad has it, yeah.

That's fantastic. I should explain.
You've seen Clarkson's Farm?

Yeah.

- Yeah... Have you?
- No.

Well, I've seen... You know, on
YouTube, you get them, like, short bits,

where it's, like, funny moments.

- Yeah.
- I've seen them.

The short...

- I ain't got time to watch all that.
- Well, anyway,

- we've got this guy called Kaleb.
- Yeah.

- Kaleb has been the farm manager.
- Okay.

And now, he's gone off to be Julian
Clary, or Lenny Henry, he's gone...

Do you know who Julian Clary is?

- No.
- Lenny Henry?

He's the bed man.

- What?
- The bed man.

- Bed?
- Lenny Henry does the bed advert.

Don't he?

I thought he did...
Doesn't he do hotels?

Where he's laying on a bed?

I don't think he's advertising the
beds, he's advertising the hotel.

Oh.

Anyway, he's doing a tour around
so he's disappeared for two months.

- Who? Lenny Henry? Oh, Kaleb!
- No, Kaleb.

- Kaleb's disappeared.
- Oh. Okay.

- Yeah.
- And I thought, "Well, I can manage."

- Okay.
- And I'm not. I'm properly struggling.

- With what?
- Everything.

I've got myself in such a pickle 'cause
I've been not making a very good job

of drilling GS4.

- Yeah.
- You know what GS4 is?

- Yeah.
- And then when I got...

It's just... Don't ask. But I don't
trust myself to do the barley.

Okay.

- Would you be okay to drill it?
- Yeah.

I then took Harriet
for a Diddly Squat tour.

That's
the tractor shed.

- That's full of seed and fert.
- Yeah.

Sounds like your cow brush could do
with some WD. It's a bit squeaky.

- The what?
- The cow brush.

- Can you hear it squeaking?
- Is that what that is?

Yeah.

- Could you also oil the cow brush?
- Yeah, I can oil the cow brush.

- Erm... There's your house.
- My house!

It's a
house on wheels, nice!

- There's the mighty Lamborghini.
- Yeah.

It's... big.

Oh...

- It's not! It's powerful is what it is.
- Yeah.

And there's the drill on the
back of it that I keep breaking.

Oh, you're breaking?

- That's why I need you to get out there.
- Why is the drill covered in paint?

Paint? Ah. There's
a story behind that.

And the floor
is covered in paint.

Yeah, there is.

Right, let's go
for a spin around the farm.

- Oh! Look at that hedge!
- That isn't mine.

- This is my hedge.
- Yes.

It's like...

five-star, one-star.

- That is, I admit...
- If this was a Lenny Henry hotel.

They're a bit wild.

- Have you not hedge-cut them recently?
- I don't like to hedge-cut,

because it makes more space
for the birds to live in.

I don't like neatly trimmed
hedges, it looks like Surrey.

So, if you
thin out your hedges,

big birds can get in
and eat little birds,

whereas if your hedges are
nice and shaped and thick...

Mm?

The big birds can't get in to
eat the little birds' eggs.

- So what you're doing is allowing...
- I didn't know that.

Come on, look at them.

- Look where they live.
- Nice piggies.

Your electric fence is arcing out,
so your batteries will be dying.

- What?
- It's arcing out, look.

- What do you mean?
- When it's touching grass,

or shit, in that instance,

it will arc out and it
will kill your battery.

Oh...

Oh, look at your
screen saver. Just...

Come here.

Tell me you're a farmer without
telling me you're a farmer.

Ready?

- That's my tractor.
- Is that yours?

Yeah! That is a 6490.

- So have you got a boyfriend?
- Yeah.

- And he's not on there.
- No...

Next stop
was one of the woods,

which I was interested in seeing

because Charlie had
recently arranged

for some of its
trees to be removed.

Yeah? Nice little track.

I might have a quick look
at that. Do you mind? Sorry.

- No.
- I've not seen this.

Bleeding hell.

Christ on a bike,
that's a lot of wood.

That's
astounding, isn't it?

Anyone would think he'd
not seen trees before.

Do you see how many trees have
gone? Look. One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven...

Fucking trees!

Eight.

I'm gonna do
something with this.

Right, now, this... You
see this mound here?

- It goes all the way around.
- Yeah.

That is
a Neolithic fort.

What's a "Neolithic"?

- 4,000 years old.
- Oh!

- So when the baby Jesus...
- That's almost as old as you.

Yeah. When the baby
Jesus came along,

that had already been
there for 2,000 years.

So it's really old.

Lenny Henry.

Yeah. And that's the end
of my history lesson.

- Lenny Henry.
- We're back to Lenny Henry.

"Lenny Henry advert"?

The following day, Harriet
said she wanted to get cracking

with planting the barley.

- I'll load you up.
- Yeah.

Which meant I had to
attach the forks to the telehandler

so I could fetch the seed bags.

Drive forward.

- Is that right?
- No.

Up a little bit.
Come forward... Woah!

Too much! Down.

Forward.

Up a little bit! Up...

Put your boom up a tiny bit,

a tiny bit.

A bit more.

Right, stop. Drive forward.

Tilt back a bit.

- Back?
- Tilt back.

Those eyelashes and
what she's doing

don't necessarily go
together, do they?

Is that it?

Yeah, go get a bag.

Once she
loaded the seed...

Right.

And calibrated the drill
without rolling around in the dirt...

Okay, 220.

She was ready for her
maiden voyage in the Lambo.

- Have fun.
- Yeah.

You're in a proper tractor
for the first time in your life.

Definitely not.

I'll change down a gear
and give her some power.

It's got a turning point
of a fucking aircraft.

She's round.

So fucking big. Why do you
need anything this big?

Okey-dokey.

Seed in, 4 K.

Sick.

Happy days!

And then film this way.

- Hi.
- All right, Charlie?

How is it going?

- Well, she's brilliant, I think.
- Good.

- I mean, well found.
- Good.

I don't know what I'm looking for to
see whether she's doing it properly.

We'll go and
have a look out there.

There you go, that's good.

- Look at that!
- Oh yeah!

- Good depth.
- So that's well drilled?

Perfect.

- I'm bloody glad we've got her.
- Yeah.

Also, do you know
what TikTok is?

What? TikTok? I've heard of it.

- Is she...
- She's a TikToker.

Wait a minute.

Oh God, she's already
been TikToking.

There's you! You're here!

That's Diddly Squat, so
she's already... Yeah.

What?

I don't really
understand TikTok.

Over the next few days,

TikTok Harriet
worked like a Trojan.

Okay.

I hate it when hedges haven't been
cut, 'cause they never look neat.

And while she
was trimming the hedges,

she got to meet another member
of the Diddly Squat family.

- Hiya.
- Hi there.

- Harriet.
- Nice to meet you, Harriet.

You too.

He said he could get another one on
the top of there if he wanted to.

It's too fast. The tractor doesn't
go slow enough for me to cut hedges.

No, it wants a higher gear.

Yeah, I was saying do the sides right,
bear down tight on top on there,

just be narrow when going
over these ones as well.

There's no chance in
the world, is there?

- No.
- No.

No.

Whoo!

With Harriet now
doing all the usual jobs,

and a few we hadn't
even thought of...

A few more rows and
we'll have a clean yard.

I was made redundant

from the grind of
day-to-day farming duties.

This meant I had the brain space to
address the problem of overcrowding

at the farm shop.

Thank you.

Its popularity continued to
annoy both the council and the locals.

So I needed something that would
tempt some of the customers away.

With my thinking cap on,

I noodled away at the issue.

Ah-ah.

And eventually,

I had a eureka moment.

So I called Charlie in
for one of those meetings

which began with the
words he'd come to dread.

I've had a brilliant idea.

Gonna buy a pub.

But it's... Like a...
You're gonna buy a pub?

Yeah.

- But...
- Hear me out, here.

I've been thinking. I don't
want to buy a village pub.

Yeah.

Because the farm shop is
nowhere near a village

and the village went berserk
because of the traffic.

Don't want to have that anymore.

Don't want to fall out
with any more villagers.

Town centre pub?

Not really the farm
vibe I'm looking for.

Main road pub.

- But...
- Coaching inn.

What... Well...

Then we can take all the
produce from Diddly Squat...

- Yeah.
- And sell it all in a pub.

Which...

How do I phrase this?

"Brilliant idea,
Jeremy. Well done."

- Almost. I get the theory.
- Yeah.

'Cause in theory, it sounds
like a really good idea.

- Yeah.
- But the reality is very different.

Do you know how many pubs
have closed since 2000?

- No.
- A third of them.

20,000 pubs.

- Since 2000?
- Since 2000.

- That is...
- 20,000?

Yes.

That's a thousand a year.

So, you can see how tough
it is as a business.

The only pubs around here that
seem to be opening are the ones

where, frankly, nobody
can afford to eat.

I've got a plan, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm going to make affordable food.

How are you going to staff it?
Staffing's a massive problem.

Yeah, plenty of those.

If all the pubs are closing, think
of how many people are out of work.

But you're going to
sign up to more HR.

- What's HR?
- Human resources.

Oh, I don't have that.

You need to, to manage
all those people.

We didn't have HR when I was
on the Rotherham Advertiser,

which was the last
time I was employed.

So you're gonna have to... "Aw,
Jeremy, I've got a problem with..."

I'll tell them to pull
themselves together!

I can't... How hard can it be?

If you think about it, we've
got a great many pigs, now.

Yeah.

We're really good
on hens and eggs.

We've got all the usual:

bread, pasta, we've got
all of the things we need.

I mean, I cannot think of a
single reason to not do it.

It's farm to fork, it's
exactly what everyone wants.

Can British farming save itself

by saving the British pub?

Oh...

You wait till
you see this place.

It'll blow your mind.

Oh, man!

It stinks!

Right, stand very still.

Is this manscaping?

Look at that!

Can we just get back to farming?